Warning: Short chapter, long rant. I've had NO time to work on this and the muses are being cruel. I know what I want to do with it, but getting there is being a brat. Pay attention to the rant, enjoy the fic, and leave constructive reviews.
"Lemme guess. You also hated everything beyond the second book except the names of the characters, right?
Navigating the "intro" was a bit like trying to follow the Gordion Knot... after that, it got worse. You managed to get every canon character OOC, and royally screw with every bit of history written into the stories since... well, since page one of the first book. Your OCs are nothing more than self insertions of you and I'm guessing a good friend, and badly written at that.
Oh, right. I'm supposed to be constructive, not honest.
The first pargraph of the intro didn't make me sad, it made me crack up. Anthropomorphising one's eyes? Really. Not only that, but it seems to have absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the story. Disjointed introductions can work - but your's isn't one of the ones that can.
Why is snape american? Why is anyone american? Harry Potter books don't even touch on america, save one reference during the fourth book to a few american witches.
tattoo... ear piercing = dark side? What are you, 12?
Are they magical or not? You never really tell us... they know of the wizarding world, so I assume they are, but, then, why is nothing about their lives in america magical?
Give us a reason why Jamie only had 6 months magical education. Any reason. "Her wand was eaten by rats" is a reason.
Contest... Hogwarts... Worst Plot Device Ever. Seriously.
And the first "chapter"... I got no further than the WILDLY OOC Snape allowing a student to a) barge in late b) talk back to her, and c) outright threaten him without throwing them headfirst into Filch's office - or his own - for punishment. By that point my eyes were bleeding so much that I couldn't read.
Please - if you must destroy - because you do, completely, and utterly, destroy the HP universe - canon... keep it to yourself, for you're the only one that cares."
Okay, I received this "review" on the eighth of December… at first, I was rather… annoyed if you will, but now I'm at the point where I'm laughing. Really. Lovely grammar Cannonkeeper. Just… lovely.
I'm going to review this review for everyone, so they will understand what I believe is an appropriate review, and what's something better suited for the garbage can.
I don't give a damn about the Harry Potter characters being out of character. They are as I want them. Don't tell me they are OOC when it's fairly darn obvious I never tried to have them in character in the first place.
My OC's…. Very much not me other than the lusting after Remus, Sirius, Severus, and Draco… well, I'm sure there are more, but I'm far too lazy at the moment to go through and list them all.
All stories are influenced by something in someone's life. It can't be helped. My characters however, aren't based on my friends, or myself. Call them Mary Sue if you want… it's an ugly name, but it's your choice. Why not Billy Jo? Or something equally disgusting? Anyway, I'm not having a character that's weak and uninteresting. Deal.
Oh lord, here's where I laughed the hardest! "Anthropomorphising one's eyes?" Spell it with me, "A-n-t-h-r-o-p-o-m-o-r-p-h-i-z-i-n-g." If you're going to use a fifty-dollar word, spell it right. Secondly, use it properly. For those of us without a thesaurus, anthropomorphizing is a really fancy word for personification. That is, giving human features or personality to something that's not human. LOL! You can't anthropomorphize something that's human already.
Snape is American because I made him American. People are American because like me, they were born in the United States of America. JKR isn't writing this story, I am. And in this story, there are, guess this, Americans! Shocking isn't it?
Another hilarious thing: "tattoo... ear piercing = dark side? What are you, 12?" Someone read REAL far in this fic didn't they? I'm assuming you're talking about Aidan. I said he HAD a dark side. Not that those were his ways of expressing it. I happen to have my ears pierced several times and would probably get more if I wasn't planning on teaching. I'm also planning on getting a tattoo by the end of the year. So I need to ask, why the hell would you say that? And I'm 17!
Again, cannon keeper obviously didn't finish this story (which they admitted) as their questions are answered. There is a reason given for her not finishing her education.
Contest… Hogwarts…. My plot device… don't like it… bugger off! Seriously.
"Please - if you must destroy - because you do, completely, and utterly, destroy the HP universe - canon... keep it to yourself, for you're the only one that cares."
Destroy… hehe. Go me! It's such fun isn't it? Writing as I want and not bothering to think that some immature, yellowbellied, pansy might not like my story! I'm so inconsiderate for not giving a damn. Darn… I just want to say this… There's a handy little red box with an 'X' in it… It's in the top right hand corner of the screen. Don't like my story, Make real good friends with it…
If you're going to write me a review, be constructive, not stupid. I don't care if you tell me it's a good story and ask me to update, just tell me why you liked it. If you don't like my story, read it through. Give me specific, plausible reasons for your dislike… If you can't, don't review. Don't be rude, I'll just get pissy for a bit, then laugh. I will NEVER delete a review. Cannonkeeper's is even staying up. They're entitled to their… opinion, even though I think the way they chose to express it was about as well thought out and as mature as something a spurned three-year-old would write.
~~~Story~~~
Blaise growled, shifting in her flying robes. She HATED flying. Hated, abhorred, despised, detested, and LOATHED flying. It involved… well heights. And a broom… really, the muggles had the right idea… sweep the floor with one; don't bloody well be-spell it and then make innocent students fly on them!
She stood in line, waiting for role to be taken when she felt someone looking at her, only to look up and see Aidan Snape staring at her. Blaise met his gaze until he smirked, nodding at her.
She blinked, looking down at the broom to her side. Why was he looking at her? Perhaps her robes were undone? She checked, relieved to see that they were properly fastened.
Madame Hooch stepped forward and Blaise shivered as her eyes caught the sun. Honestly, the woman's eyes were scary, she looked like an owl or something.
"Now everyone, we've all flown before… or at least made an attempt that could be called flying under duress." The flying instructor aimed a pointed glance at Blaise, who blushed. Some of her class mates cat-called, teasing her.
"We're going to start off simple, just a couple of laps around the pitch, I'll correct what you're doing, perhaps work one-on-one." Hooch blew her whistle. "Get started!"
Sighing, Blaise held her hand over the broom and spoke strongly and clearly. "Up." It rolled over in a lazy motion.
Everyone else was up and flying, racing each other around. Blaise took a deep breath and tried again to no avail.
She glanced up, seeing Hooch flying in her direction and bit her lip.
"Need some help?"
Blaise jumped, turning towards the masculine voice. "Oh… Aidan. No, I'm fine, I just… flying isn't something I'm good at."
Aidan smirked, leaning on his broom. "Try again, let's see if you're doing anything wrong."
Swallowing hard, Blaise positioned her hand above the broom and said, "Up."
Aidan quirked a brow at the broom's actions. "That's weird… you did it right."
"I've never been good at flying…" she shrugged, biting her lip again.
Aidan observed with interest the way her little white teeth chewed her lip, soft and full already, though it was pinkened and beginning to swell like she'd been well and thoroughly kissed. "That shouldn't matter though…"
"Zabinni! Quit flirting with the new chap and get your arse in the air!" Hooch hollered as she watched Ray soar.
Blaise blushed again. "Sorry." Sighing, she commanded the broom again, relieved when it finally jumped up into her hand. "Thank Merlin."
Aidan smirked, deciding he liked the blush. "Let's go." He mounted his broom, watching as she did the same and took off shakily. He flew with her, happy to just watch her.
Blaise's robes fluttered as they rose, circling the pitch. She could feel his eyes on her, and found it vaguely disturbing, the skin on the back of her neck prickling.
Hooch blew her blasted whistle again. "Keep the laps up! Zabinni, you stick with the new chap! He's got you flying better!"
Aidan shook his head. "Seems physical education instructors are the same everywhere."
Blaise glanced at him. "What? This is flying…"
He laughed. "In my old school we had a gym class on top of flying… we learned to play other sports and how to keep fit."
"Oh." Blaise adjusted her seating Sounded like hell to her.
They were on their tenth circuit when Aidan stopped, hovering. "You should hold the broom like this," He reached across, adjusting her grip on the broom. "See?"
Blaise bit her lip as his hands touched hers. "Yes."
Aidan glanced up to see her bite her lip again and nearly groaned. Damn… that innocent gesture brought a hundred naughty thoughts to his mind. He looked away quickly, starting to fly again. "Come on slow poke!"
****************
Draco sighed, leaning back against the wall as he blinked back tears. Bloody hell.
He glanced down at the book in his hands, knowing he'd have to show Dumbledore, but couldn't bring himself to part with it as of yet. It was his father… all this time.
"Draco?" Ginny finally made it out of her study hall, well aware of the watchful eyes of her class mates. "What's wrong?"
"Gin…" He swallowed and she came forward, wrapping her arms around him.
She looked up at him, brown eyes concerned.
Slowly he raised the book. "It's a diary…"
****************
Jamie winced. She so shouldn't be doing this, but his face haunted her. Tentatively she reached out, knocking on the door.
"Come in."
Jamie bit her lip as she entered the room. "Hello."
Tom turned his head slowly. "Hello."
Jamie chewed her lip, her brow furrowed. "I just wanted to talk."
He lowered his gaze. "I don't like to talk about the past."
"Oh! I didn't mean the past! I just meant like talk… about anything… er… I'm sorry. I shouldn't have disturbed you." Jamie swallowed and made for the door.
The gaunt figure gripped his cane as he stood. "No… please stay."
She stopped as he made his way shakily to her. "I'd like to talk… Sometimes I think the world has forgotten me. Little Tommy was never very important."
Jamie shook her head. "No sir. Everyone is important, each of us have our own effect on the universe as a whole, no matter how insignificant we may appear."
Tom gave her a shaky smile. "What else do you believe?"
She smiled. "I believe in trust, faith, and love." Tom took her hand and led her toward the chairs, guiding her into one before he sat.
"It's been so long… it seems like I've forgotten those things exist." He sat slowly, setting his cane to the side.
Tucking one leg under her, Jamie shook her head. "They do, though it's hard to see sometimes. And you can't have one without the others."
Tom sighed. "Sometimes it's hard to trust those you should love… Especially when you have a past like mine."
She lowered her eyes, unsure of what to say. "I guess… then it's up to those you care for to work at forgiving you as you work for forgiveness."
*********
"Lemme guess. You also hated everything beyond the second book except the names of the characters, right?
Navigating the "intro" was a bit like trying to follow the Gordion Knot... after that, it got worse. You managed to get every canon character OOC, and royally screw with every bit of history written into the stories since... well, since page one of the first book. Your OCs are nothing more than self insertions of you and I'm guessing a good friend, and badly written at that.
Oh, right. I'm supposed to be constructive, not honest.
The first pargraph of the intro didn't make me sad, it made me crack up. Anthropomorphising one's eyes? Really. Not only that, but it seems to have absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the story. Disjointed introductions can work - but your's isn't one of the ones that can.
Why is snape american? Why is anyone american? Harry Potter books don't even touch on america, save one reference during the fourth book to a few american witches.
tattoo... ear piercing = dark side? What are you, 12?
Are they magical or not? You never really tell us... they know of the wizarding world, so I assume they are, but, then, why is nothing about their lives in america magical?
Give us a reason why Jamie only had 6 months magical education. Any reason. "Her wand was eaten by rats" is a reason.
Contest... Hogwarts... Worst Plot Device Ever. Seriously.
And the first "chapter"... I got no further than the WILDLY OOC Snape allowing a student to a) barge in late b) talk back to her, and c) outright threaten him without throwing them headfirst into Filch's office - or his own - for punishment. By that point my eyes were bleeding so much that I couldn't read.
Please - if you must destroy - because you do, completely, and utterly, destroy the HP universe - canon... keep it to yourself, for you're the only one that cares."
Okay, I received this "review" on the eighth of December… at first, I was rather… annoyed if you will, but now I'm at the point where I'm laughing. Really. Lovely grammar Cannonkeeper. Just… lovely.
I'm going to review this review for everyone, so they will understand what I believe is an appropriate review, and what's something better suited for the garbage can.
I don't give a damn about the Harry Potter characters being out of character. They are as I want them. Don't tell me they are OOC when it's fairly darn obvious I never tried to have them in character in the first place.
My OC's…. Very much not me other than the lusting after Remus, Sirius, Severus, and Draco… well, I'm sure there are more, but I'm far too lazy at the moment to go through and list them all.
All stories are influenced by something in someone's life. It can't be helped. My characters however, aren't based on my friends, or myself. Call them Mary Sue if you want… it's an ugly name, but it's your choice. Why not Billy Jo? Or something equally disgusting? Anyway, I'm not having a character that's weak and uninteresting. Deal.
Oh lord, here's where I laughed the hardest! "Anthropomorphising one's eyes?" Spell it with me, "A-n-t-h-r-o-p-o-m-o-r-p-h-i-z-i-n-g." If you're going to use a fifty-dollar word, spell it right. Secondly, use it properly. For those of us without a thesaurus, anthropomorphizing is a really fancy word for personification. That is, giving human features or personality to something that's not human. LOL! You can't anthropomorphize something that's human already.
Snape is American because I made him American. People are American because like me, they were born in the United States of America. JKR isn't writing this story, I am. And in this story, there are, guess this, Americans! Shocking isn't it?
Another hilarious thing: "tattoo... ear piercing = dark side? What are you, 12?" Someone read REAL far in this fic didn't they? I'm assuming you're talking about Aidan. I said he HAD a dark side. Not that those were his ways of expressing it. I happen to have my ears pierced several times and would probably get more if I wasn't planning on teaching. I'm also planning on getting a tattoo by the end of the year. So I need to ask, why the hell would you say that? And I'm 17!
Again, cannon keeper obviously didn't finish this story (which they admitted) as their questions are answered. There is a reason given for her not finishing her education.
Contest… Hogwarts…. My plot device… don't like it… bugger off! Seriously.
"Please - if you must destroy - because you do, completely, and utterly, destroy the HP universe - canon... keep it to yourself, for you're the only one that cares."
Destroy… hehe. Go me! It's such fun isn't it? Writing as I want and not bothering to think that some immature, yellowbellied, pansy might not like my story! I'm so inconsiderate for not giving a damn. Darn… I just want to say this… There's a handy little red box with an 'X' in it… It's in the top right hand corner of the screen. Don't like my story, Make real good friends with it…
If you're going to write me a review, be constructive, not stupid. I don't care if you tell me it's a good story and ask me to update, just tell me why you liked it. If you don't like my story, read it through. Give me specific, plausible reasons for your dislike… If you can't, don't review. Don't be rude, I'll just get pissy for a bit, then laugh. I will NEVER delete a review. Cannonkeeper's is even staying up. They're entitled to their… opinion, even though I think the way they chose to express it was about as well thought out and as mature as something a spurned three-year-old would write.
~~~Story~~~
Blaise growled, shifting in her flying robes. She HATED flying. Hated, abhorred, despised, detested, and LOATHED flying. It involved… well heights. And a broom… really, the muggles had the right idea… sweep the floor with one; don't bloody well be-spell it and then make innocent students fly on them!
She stood in line, waiting for role to be taken when she felt someone looking at her, only to look up and see Aidan Snape staring at her. Blaise met his gaze until he smirked, nodding at her.
She blinked, looking down at the broom to her side. Why was he looking at her? Perhaps her robes were undone? She checked, relieved to see that they were properly fastened.
Madame Hooch stepped forward and Blaise shivered as her eyes caught the sun. Honestly, the woman's eyes were scary, she looked like an owl or something.
"Now everyone, we've all flown before… or at least made an attempt that could be called flying under duress." The flying instructor aimed a pointed glance at Blaise, who blushed. Some of her class mates cat-called, teasing her.
"We're going to start off simple, just a couple of laps around the pitch, I'll correct what you're doing, perhaps work one-on-one." Hooch blew her whistle. "Get started!"
Sighing, Blaise held her hand over the broom and spoke strongly and clearly. "Up." It rolled over in a lazy motion.
Everyone else was up and flying, racing each other around. Blaise took a deep breath and tried again to no avail.
She glanced up, seeing Hooch flying in her direction and bit her lip.
"Need some help?"
Blaise jumped, turning towards the masculine voice. "Oh… Aidan. No, I'm fine, I just… flying isn't something I'm good at."
Aidan smirked, leaning on his broom. "Try again, let's see if you're doing anything wrong."
Swallowing hard, Blaise positioned her hand above the broom and said, "Up."
Aidan quirked a brow at the broom's actions. "That's weird… you did it right."
"I've never been good at flying…" she shrugged, biting her lip again.
Aidan observed with interest the way her little white teeth chewed her lip, soft and full already, though it was pinkened and beginning to swell like she'd been well and thoroughly kissed. "That shouldn't matter though…"
"Zabinni! Quit flirting with the new chap and get your arse in the air!" Hooch hollered as she watched Ray soar.
Blaise blushed again. "Sorry." Sighing, she commanded the broom again, relieved when it finally jumped up into her hand. "Thank Merlin."
Aidan smirked, deciding he liked the blush. "Let's go." He mounted his broom, watching as she did the same and took off shakily. He flew with her, happy to just watch her.
Blaise's robes fluttered as they rose, circling the pitch. She could feel his eyes on her, and found it vaguely disturbing, the skin on the back of her neck prickling.
Hooch blew her blasted whistle again. "Keep the laps up! Zabinni, you stick with the new chap! He's got you flying better!"
Aidan shook his head. "Seems physical education instructors are the same everywhere."
Blaise glanced at him. "What? This is flying…"
He laughed. "In my old school we had a gym class on top of flying… we learned to play other sports and how to keep fit."
"Oh." Blaise adjusted her seating Sounded like hell to her.
They were on their tenth circuit when Aidan stopped, hovering. "You should hold the broom like this," He reached across, adjusting her grip on the broom. "See?"
Blaise bit her lip as his hands touched hers. "Yes."
Aidan glanced up to see her bite her lip again and nearly groaned. Damn… that innocent gesture brought a hundred naughty thoughts to his mind. He looked away quickly, starting to fly again. "Come on slow poke!"
****************
Draco sighed, leaning back against the wall as he blinked back tears. Bloody hell.
He glanced down at the book in his hands, knowing he'd have to show Dumbledore, but couldn't bring himself to part with it as of yet. It was his father… all this time.
"Draco?" Ginny finally made it out of her study hall, well aware of the watchful eyes of her class mates. "What's wrong?"
"Gin…" He swallowed and she came forward, wrapping her arms around him.
She looked up at him, brown eyes concerned.
Slowly he raised the book. "It's a diary…"
****************
Jamie winced. She so shouldn't be doing this, but his face haunted her. Tentatively she reached out, knocking on the door.
"Come in."
Jamie bit her lip as she entered the room. "Hello."
Tom turned his head slowly. "Hello."
Jamie chewed her lip, her brow furrowed. "I just wanted to talk."
He lowered his gaze. "I don't like to talk about the past."
"Oh! I didn't mean the past! I just meant like talk… about anything… er… I'm sorry. I shouldn't have disturbed you." Jamie swallowed and made for the door.
The gaunt figure gripped his cane as he stood. "No… please stay."
She stopped as he made his way shakily to her. "I'd like to talk… Sometimes I think the world has forgotten me. Little Tommy was never very important."
Jamie shook her head. "No sir. Everyone is important, each of us have our own effect on the universe as a whole, no matter how insignificant we may appear."
Tom gave her a shaky smile. "What else do you believe?"
She smiled. "I believe in trust, faith, and love." Tom took her hand and led her toward the chairs, guiding her into one before he sat.
"It's been so long… it seems like I've forgotten those things exist." He sat slowly, setting his cane to the side.
Tucking one leg under her, Jamie shook her head. "They do, though it's hard to see sometimes. And you can't have one without the others."
Tom sighed. "Sometimes it's hard to trust those you should love… Especially when you have a past like mine."
She lowered her eyes, unsure of what to say. "I guess… then it's up to those you care for to work at forgiving you as you work for forgiveness."
*********