When Dreams Find Their Way Home
Dear Cameron,
It's me… you know… the bane of your existence. Or at least I used to be… I guess being flippant at this point is both irrelevant and pointless, isn't it? But you know me, I ramble when unsure of myself. It's no secret… at least it isn't to those who know me. I guess nothing I could say now would make a difference in the overall scheme of things. It's too late for apologies… recriminations… or even good-bye. But, there is so much of you left behind that haunts me. I imagine you would find that piece of news quite amusing. And I guess in a way it is.
As much as I would have liked the chance, I wasn't given the opportunity to say goodbye. And as I sit here thinking of you, I still cannot say good-bye… the words won't come. Even now I am still tied to you… There is a part of me still reaching for you and I can't stop it no matter how hard I try. There are so many things left unsaid… so many feelings left unresolved. And now with you gone… I can't see them ever being resolved. But, I need to try. I need to find a measure of peace where you're concerned. I need to stop seeing you sitting at my desk, or on my sofa, or holding my daughter… I need to stop feeling whatever this is that I'm feeling.
There is a river of anger racing through every vein of my body and it seems to be fueled by a constant ache that never leaves me. When I came home from your memorial today and opened the door to put away my coat… I found one of yours that you left behind. You did it on purpose, didn't you? Just another reminder of how much you infiltrated my life. And before I knew it… I was wrapped in it and even though a part of me was comforted, there was another part of me that just wanted to lash out at you. I am so angry with you and I don't understand the anger. Why Cameron? Why am I so angry with you? I know I shouldn't be, but it's there and I can't deny it.
I was sitting here remembering the last year and just how much you became a part of my life. You saw me at my worst… you witnessed first hand how much desperation steals from me. It is not something I am proud of and for anyone to see what lengths I am driven to as a result of such a loss of control on my part… You were a constant reminder of my inability to handle my emotions… my actions… the chaos of a life driven by misplaced arrogance and fear. Do you not find it ironic that the very thing that irritated me the most where you were concerned… I find so prominent in myself?
I talked to Luke today… or rather Luke talked to me. You know Luke. He is who he is and I've yet to find a way to shut him up. He and I… well, we have this… this thing between us. I'm loathe to know how to describe it, but whether we would choose to admit it or not… somehow over the years we've found our way into this arguably insane friendship and even though he frustrates the hell out of me… he's usually pretty sure of himself and can read people better than I would ever publicly give him credit for. An admission like that would only give him more ammunition against me the next time we tangle over anything. But he shared something today that I'm having a bit of trouble reconciling with everything that played out between us. He said you were in love with me. Were you, Cameron? Did you love me? Is that why you seemed to be just around the corner every time I turned around?
It was you who saved me in the park the night my daughter was born. You were the one who made it possible for me to finally hold my daughter for the first time. When her custody was stripped from me, it was you who orchestrated my first visit with her at the gatehouse. And that wasn't the only time you worked around the system to give me what I needed. My daughter was passed from hand to hand so many times; but it always seemed to be your hands that would find a way to again place her in mine. The more I look back the more I can see that you were always either reaching for me or reaching for my daughter on my behalf… and not necessarily in a physical sense… but in your words to anyone threatening us. And in the midst of it all we fought at every turn. It seemed that any words said between us were confrontational and at times hurtful. You were always calling my behavior irrational and you were right most of the time, but it didn't matter that you were right… what mattered was that I didn't want to hear it… didn't want anyone questioning my actions. So I focused on what you said rather than what you did. Even the most innocent of conversations could become a war zone in the blink of an eye. Nothing seemed easy… nothing was ever safe… Even the most innocent remarks could prove to be volatile. Why Cameron? Why couldn't we just talk? Why couldn't I just stop and look closer… at you… at us… what we were doing to each other… or perhaps what we were fighting?
We never really had a chance, did we? Maybe another place, another time… maybe we could have gotten past the mountains of baggage we both carried around with us. Do you think we could have put it all behind us and become something important to one another? Could we have gotten past our fears regarding intimacy and commitment? I think… with you… I would have liked to try. So many regrets to live with… so much that could have been and will now never be…
As I sit here and look toward my future… I again feel the ache of loss. You were my future and I didn't know it until it was too late. I can feel my heart reaching for you and it cries the tears I refuse. My tears will not fall until I am safely tucked away in the depths of my bed late tonight where my pillow can catch and hold them safe and no one will be the wiser. No one will know that once again my heart has been broken… only this time I will know that it was mostly by my own hand. Tonight I will grieve… tonight is yours and yours alone… and then tomorrow I will pick up the pieces and go on. It is what I do best… a learned response in which I excel.
Tomorrow will come, but it won't be as full… it won't be as bright… it will not be filled with the promise or potential that I took for granted. Because tomorrow I won't have you to challenge me… frustrate me… fight for me… care for me… or as Luke would say… love me. There were so many times that the constant turmoil inside would abate simply because I felt you standing behind me. You were always there whether I could see you or not. You became my strength so many times when my own failed… my conscience when fear sent me reeling into a world of desperation.
Is it okay if I wish that there were a tomorrow for you and I? Is it okay if I admit the words without voicing them aloud… they would be of no use to you now, but maybe I could find that measure of peace inside them… I did love you, Cameron. And as I write those words I find where the anger begins. But, in finally knowing where it begins, I must also confess that in my heart I know it is not anger towards you as I originally thought…but toward myself for so many missed opportunities… for the life I could have had… for what my daughter will never know… for the son who could have completed the picture. And once again… love slips through our fingers like sand. Two of a kind we were…
I missed you today, Cameron. And I will miss you tomorrow and for a lifetime of tomorrows that will follow… rest now my love and know that you found a place in my heart and you made a difference.
Always and forever in my dreams,
Alexis
Several days following the memorial for Cameron, Alexis was standing on the docks waiting for the launch to take her home to Wyndemere. A blinding reflection suddenly caught her attention and she looked down to see a corked bottle floating in the water in front of her. Looking around she noticed a fishing net propped against the building behind her. Retrieving it she then deftly pulled the bottle from the icy water. Uncorking it carefully she tilted the bottle just enough to allow a rolled sheet of paper to fall forward. Gently extracting it she opened it and began to read.
Dear Alexis,
Time heals all wounds and gives one a chance to start over. Would you care to start over with me? And would it help you decide if I were to tell you that I love you and I am waiting for you to come home to me. You may have moved… but I didn't.
Waiting impatiently,
Cameron
The Beginning
She stood in front of the door staring down at her trembling hands afraid that her legs would give way any moment. Eyes downcast in hope… in fear… in excitement and relief. Leaning just a bit closer she tilted her head toward the door and listened. Was he really just on the other side of her door? Was he really waiting for her just a few steps away?
Cameron. She reached toward the door with one trembling hand and lay her palm against its cool surface unaware of the small smile that appeared on her lips. Cameron. Tall, dark, handsome and infuriating!
Her eyes suddenly looked up as she heard footsteps. Her other hand reached up and settled beside the other as she leaned closer breathless… her ear almost touching the door between her hands. Was it really Cameron? A thought suddenly occurred to her. If she lifted up just slightly she could find out if it really was Cameron or if it was just another cruel joke that life was playing on her. Surely if she could see who was in the hall from inside… then why couldn't she see who was inside from out in the hall. It wasn't an invasion of privacy; it was her apartment. Pushing herself away from the door she shook her head back and forth at her ridiculous antics. She felt silly…
'Just open the damn door, Alexis and stop being so childish."
'So why is it childish if I want to know if someone is trespassing in my apartment.'
'You know that's not why you haven't opened that door, yet.'
Alexis stepped back angrily throwing her hands in the air as she muttered. "Oh great, now I'm talking to myself; and not just talking but actually answering myself." She stared at the door and took another step back and leaned heavily against the wall opposite her door.
"You know you want to open that door more than anything you've wanted in a long time other than your daughter, Alexis Davis. So what's the problem? Why are you hesitating?"
She slowly slid down the wall until she was seated on the floor her arms clutched tightly around her body as a tear slowly slid down her cheek.
"You know why, Alexis. Everything you ever wanted could be just on the other side of that door and you are scared out of your mind. You are terrified that you may be just around the corner from having a real family… a man that loves you… and that you are totally in love with. And you figure that one day you'll turn around and it will all be gone. That maybe it was all a dream and you'll be left picking up the pieces of your heart knowing that it will never be whole again."
She reached down and pulled the bottle from her coat pocket and shook the paper free once more from inside. Setting the bottle on the floor beside her, she unrolled the paper once more and began picking out certain phrases from it reading them aloud.
"Time heals all wounds… start over… with me… I am waiting…" and the words that rushed to her heart faster than all the others… "I love you".
"I do, you know? Love you, I mean."
She froze as soft quiet words penetrated her musings. Her eyes slowly left the plane of the paper in front of her and gradually lifted to find her door open and his beautiful face smiling down at her. Her breath caught in her lungs. He was alive. He was standing in front of her. And he was smiling. She couldn't stop the tears that began to travel down her cheeks. He leaned heavily on a cane and when she began to rise to help him he motioned her to stop. Any words she may have uttered were silenced as he lay his finger against his lips and slowly kneeled down painfully to sit down in her doorway allowing the doorframe to support his weight. When she saw him settle she relaxed a bit. A whisper finally found its way past her lips.
"Are you alright?"
"Other than missing you, I'm fine. It's just a couple of broken ribs and some scratches. Nothing that will keep me down long and nothing to keep me from reaching out for what I want. And I want you, Alexis. Facing death makes a man sees things he would not have seen otherwise. I'm through denying what I feel in favor of keeping my heart safe. You know about that as well as I do, Alexis. I've lost everything I ever loved in this world. I don't want to lose you too. If you're not sure of this… of what we could have together… or of what you may or may not feel; I'll wait, Alexis. I'll wait for as long as you need me to because you know as well as I do that there is something worth holding on to between us."
She gazed into his eyes and found his own fear releasing her to speak of her own.
"I'm afraid, Cameron."
"And you know I am as well. We both want so much and yet every time we've gotten close to what we want it's been ripped away from us. Alexis, we're staring another chance for happiness in the face and it terrifies us. All of a sudden we're at another fork in the road and we're once again questioning our worth… whether or not we deserve another chance to grab on to a little bit of happiness with both hands. And my question to you is why not? Why not us? Don't you think we've lost enough in our lives?"
"And what happens if it falls apart again, Cameron? What will happen to you? I will have Kristina to focus on… who will you have, Cameron?" Her voice lowered compassionately. "Peter is gone and now… so is Zander. Why would you want to put yourself in the position of possibly losing again?"
She felt her heart break for him as a tear slowly slipped down his cheek as thoughts of his youngest son invaded his mind. Her hand left the safety of its hiding place to reach and take hold of the hand he stretched out toward her. His words were thick with emotion as he tried to control them.
"I loved my son… I loved them both. And the only way I can honor them is to pick up the pieces of my life and keep on going. I don't want to do it alone. I want to share my life with you, Alexis. I want you to share yours with me. I need to know that I can still make a difference… that my sons didn't die in vain. They deserved so much more than I gave them."
Drawing her knees underneath her she leaned forward and slowly crawled over to Cameron and gently lay her lips against his then sat down beside him taking his hand in hers.
"You did make a difference, Cameron. You made a difference in my life… in my daughter's life. And you made a difference in Zander's life. In the final moments of his life he placed his trust in you. He died knowing that you loved him. Please don't ever question your worth."
His eyes raised from their entwined hands and met her eyes.
"I don't see any mistrust in your eyes… or indifference where I'm concerned. Have you had a change of heart, Alexis? Are you telling me in your own incomparable way that I'm not the pariah you thought me to be?"
His eyes were teasing her and she smiled.
"Let's just say that due to circumstances beyond our control we were both forced to re-evaluate our lives and in doing so may have come to a new understanding of… certain indisputable feelings."
Lifting his arm he drew it around her and pulled her closer.
"So if I were to again put my foot out on a precarious limb by verbally telling you that I love you… I could expect you to return the favor?"
She smiled slyly and put her arms around his waist.
"Well, since I had to originally learn that piece of news from Luke only to have it so romantically validated by pulling it from the water off the Port Charles dock. And then have it further validated by the horse's mouth himself; don't you think it only fair that I be given the same advantage?"
Looking into her twinkling eyes laughter rumbled in his chest until he threw his head back and let it have its freedom. Hearing her laugh beside him he looked back down at her and suddenly his laughter stilled.
"There's going to come a day when I am going to ask you to marry me… it will not be today… nor will it be tomorrow. It will be a sunny day full of laughter and love and it will be the last thing you expect to hear from me. And you won't think twice about answering yes, Alexis. Because we will have built a life together that is so real and true that we will suddenly realize that every fear and every doubt was somehow lost along the way. And marriage will miraculously be the one thing remaining that will complete our life together and neither one of us will want to deny ourselves that last treasure."
Listening to his hope of their future together sent a surge of warmth throughout her body and Alexis dipped her head to lay it against his shoulder until she regained control of the tears that threatened. Tears in this moment would concern him and she didn't want him concerned. His words were busy laying hold of her heart and they felt safe and sure and wanted. Later when she was sure her tears would not cause him to doubt her, she would tell him how beautiful they sounded to her, how loved and protected they made her feel. Later she would tell him how much she loved him… how much richer her life was because of him.
"Cameron, can we get out of the doorway and move this inside?"
"Are you uncomfortable, Alexis?"
"No, but if we don't move this inside my neighbors may become very uncomfortable."
He grinned delightedly and leaned down to kiss her before allowing her to help him to his feet. With her arm around him supporting him as he gained his footing he reached back and slowly closed the door behind them shutting out the world and all of its chaos. Tonight was reserved for just the two of them and they would spend it learning the intimacies of each other. Tomorrow would be soon enough to tell the world that Cameron Lewis and Alexis Davis had finally made their choice. They had chosen each other. They would face the world in the morning as friends… as lovers… and united as one.