Author's Note: Since Angel got the visions instead of Cordelia, and given
his condition in this story, Buffy hasn't seen Angel since The Yoko Factor
in season 4.
I have your picture that still haunts me like your memory
These things have I
Chapter Two
Wes ducked into the alley and peered into the darkened depths. The alley smelled like rotten garbage. It's deserted. He was certain the vampire came down here but there is no sign of anyone. He crept silently down the alley and paused at the T intersection of it. There was a tiny blond girl near the dumpster. She had her back turned to him and was bent over picking something up off the ground.
"Are you alright, Miss?" he asked.
The girl turned. She recognized that British accent. "Wes?"
"Buffy, good Heaven's, I didn't recognize you." Wes said. He viewed her with a critical eye. She was much thinner then she was the last time he saw her. She looked older, tired. Her hair was longer and her hazel eyes were much older then her years.
Buffy raised an eyebrow and looked Wes up and down. "I'm not the one who's changed here Ex-Watcher Mine." Wes was wearing a pair of rugged khaki's, a white shirt and a black canvas duster. He had at least three day's beard growth. His hair was rumpled and then there was the missing arm.
"Yes, well I haven't seen you since Sunnydale." Wes said.
"Yes, back when you had two arms." Buffy slapped her hand over her mouth. "Sorry that was, uhm, inconsiderate."
"No, quite alright, I lost it in a battle with a Kunjai demon a couple of years ago. You didn't happen to see a vampire come this way, did you?" Wes asked looking around the alley.
"Yup, that pile of dust that is undistinguishable from all the other piles of dust, well that was him." Buffy said
"So what brings you to LA? Apocalypse?" Wes asked.
Buffy shook her head. "Nope, just up visiting Dad. Of course he had to leave for an important business trip to Rome ten minutes after I got here."
"It's good to know you've taken up patrols in LA then. Gunn and I can use the help." Wes said.
Buffy wrinkled her nose. "I wasn't really patrolling. I went for a mocha chino." She held aloft a paper cup of the frothy drink. "What do you mean you and Gunn? Who's Gunn? I thought you worked with Angel." Buffy looked at Wes with narrowed eyes.
"We do work with Angel." Wes said, deliberately avoiding the situation.
"Then why the need for back up? Is Angel hurt? Or are things extra Hell mouthy, without the Hell mouth part, here?" Buffy asked.
"No, it's rather a long story." Wes said. He shifted uncomfortably and glanced around the alley again.
"Ok, get with the telling, Wes. You're scaring me."
"Angel is-well he is-"Wes stopped unsure how to proceed. One had to be careful when giving a slayer bad news.
Buffy closed her eyes and waited for Wes to finish. He's not dead, he's not dead, he's not dead, she chanted in her head. He can't be dead. I would know if he was dead. I think I would know if he was dead.
"Angel is rather ill." Wes finally spit out.
"Rather ill? Explain, Wes. You're English rather ill could mean a cold or dying." Buffy said impatiently, the mocha chino in her hand instantly forgotten.
"It's a long story. Perhaps you'd walk with me." Wes indicated the alley leading to the street.
"He's not-you know." Buffy said. She couldn't bring herself to say dead out loud.
"Dead? No." Wes said.
They walked toward the street and turned back toward the Hyperion at the sidewalk. Cars streaked by them. People passed them. Los Angeles never really slept.
"I believe you met Doyle, Angel's friend and associate." Wes said.
Buffy nodded. "Yeah, he's the man with the visions. It was a long time ago. He was English?"
"Irish and yes he was the man with the visions. Shortly after your visit to Angel they ran into a bit of a problem. There was an army in LA set on purging half demons from the world. Angel and Doyle saved an entire group of half demons from this army. Doyle died in the process, but before he did he passed his visions to Angel." Wes said.
Buffy nodded. "That sounds reasonable. I mean they were visions from the Powers meant to help Angel anyway, right?"
"Correct. However, the visions are extremely powerful. When Angel has one it's almost as if he is the person in the vision. He sees what they see, smells what they smell and feels what they are feeling. I'm afraid hundreds of visions over the past three years have taken their toll. Angel is-mentally unstable." Wes said, trying to think of a kind way to describe Angel's condition.
Buffy looked at him wide eyed. "Angel is what?" Insane vampires were never good. Not that she'd known many, only Drusilla and the one the Council wanted to lock her up with on her eighteenth birthday.
"He's-it's rather difficult to explain. "Wes said.
"Then take me to him." Buffy demanded.
I have these countless hours to fill
The void you left in me
Buffy and Wes walked in the Hyperion. The lobby was dim. Gunn was slumped on the couch. The only sounds in the place are the electronic beeps and blips from the hand held video game he played. He didn't even glance up when they walked in.
"Hey," Gunn said.
"Wow, I bet this was really beautiful at one time." Buffy said in awe. She turned a slow circle, taking in the worn grandness of the old hotel.
Gunn looked up at the sound of her voice. His eyes raked over her. "Hel-lo." He drew out, and rose to his feet. He was by her side in an instant. "I'm Charles Gunn, and you would be?"
"Buffy Summers," She said.
"Oh," Gunn said, his hand dropped to his side. His face fell.
Buffy quirked an eyebrow at him, "did I say something wrong?" she asked.
"No, I didn't realize you were her." Gunn said.
"And somehow I'm confused even more." Buffy said.
"When you died, Willow called us on the phone. Angel was still lucid enough at that point to realize what had happened. He was uncontrollable for days afterward." Wes said.
"Days?" Gunn said with a sharp laugh. "That was the beginning of the end. He rambled incoherently about you for months."
Buffy wrinkled her brow. She set the forgotten mocha chino on the desk. "Willow told me she called when I came back."
"She did. Angel was- He wasn't lucid enough to get the message, or perhaps he didn't believe it. For all we know he thought it was one of his visions." Wes said.
Buffy nodded. She set her mouth in a thin line and looked up at Wes. "Can I see him?"
Wes looked at Gunn. "Has he been fed yet?"
"Naw, you know that's the last thing I do before bed, gives me the wiggins and ruins the rest of the night." Gunn said.
"It's best to wait until he's been fed." Wes said.
Buffy looked at both men, shocked. "I'm not waiting one more minute to see him. Give me the damn blood, I'll go feed him. I can't believe you two. He's Angel, how can you-"She stopped and shook her head. "Never mind, where's the blood?"
"The kitchen is this way." Wes said. They walked toward the kitchen. "You should be aware. Angel bit me yesterday morning."
"He bit you?" Buffy said in disbelief. "What have you done to him?"
Wes got a container of blood out of the fridge and put it in the microwave. He watched the container as it made lazy circles in the microwave, unwilling to meet Buffy's eyes. "We haven't done anything. I've tried to find something to help him. I've had countless witches, shaman and mystical counselors here to look at him. No one knows what to for him." Wes paused a moment. He took a deep breath. "You need to be prepared for what you're going to see. Angel doesn't remember his own name most of the time. He sees things, people he killed, demons attacking him. When he bit me he didn't realize it was me. He didn't realize it was him. You should know, Buffy, there is nothing of Angel left. The Angel you knew is lost."
"Then I'll find him." She said.
"I'm not entirely sure that's possible." Wes said.
"Neither is coming back from the dead, twice." She said.
Wes just nodded. She'd find out soon enough and really there was no way to explain what Angel had become to her. It was something she had to see for herself. Wes took the container out of the microwave and handed it to Buffy. They walked out of the kitchen wordlessly. Wes stopped at the reception desk for the tranquilizer gun.
"What is that?" Buffy asked, even though she knew what it was.
"He gets, unmanageable sometimes. We have to tranquilize him on occasion." Wes said.
"You are not going to shoot him. If he gets unmanageable, I'm not going to need a tranq gun to subdue him." Buffy said.
"It's not you I'm worried about." Wes said.
Buffy took the tranq gun from him and patiently unloaded all the darts. "You are not going to shoot him." She put the empty gun on the desk. She stood with her arms crossed defiantly over her chest. She dared Wes to cross her on this. She was fairly sure even this new improved Wes didn't have the balls. She was right.
Wes merely sighed and beckoned her. They walked up the stairs. Gunn watched them from below. This was going to get very interesting, he thought.
"You lock him up?" Buffy exclaimed as Wes slide back the iron bar across the steel door.
"Buffy, you don't understand. We have no choice. Not only is he a danger to others in this state, he is a danger to himself. We kept him in manacles for a long time. When we saw that he wasn't getting any better, we decided it was inhumane to have him chained all the time. This was the only other option we had." Wes unlocked and opened the door.
The smell hit her before anything else. It smelled like a crypt that hadn't been opened in decades. Wes flipped a light switch and a dim bare bulb flickered on. Buffy stepped into the room and she was nearly knocked to her knees by the sight. She had to struggle not to retch. She reached out and grabbed onto Wes' shoulder for support.
"Oh, God." She breathed.
Angel was curled up in a corner. As soon as she stepped into the room, Angel looked toward them with eyes that didn't see. He sniffed the air and then drew even further into his corner. He started muttering to himself. Buffy could just barely make out the words. "Not here, not here, not here, not here, not here, just a dream, not here." She swallowed the tears that choked her.
"Wes, you can go now." Buffy said.
"Buffy, I don't-"Wes started.
"You. Can. Go. Now." She said.
She barely heard Wes leave, shutting the door behind him. She dropped to her haunches, balancing herself with the fingertips of one hand on the floor. "Angel," She whispered very softly. He made no move to show any recognition at his name. He just eyed her warily from his corner, occasionally sniffing at the air. His eyes kept flickering to the blood she held.
Buffy set the blood on the floor. She backed away from it, but not to far away. He crept toward it slowly. Buffy's heart broke with every crawling, shuffling movement he made. She remembered all to well the graceful, fluid creature he had been. He picked the container up and she held her breath. She tried to remain completely still. He gulped the blood messily and she bit back a sob. She remembered an Angel that refused to eat in front of her. Now he looked at her confused, blood dripping from his chin and the corners of his mouth.
She reached out a hand to him. "Angel,"
Again there was no recognition in his eyes.
"Angelus," She said.
He crouched in fear and scuttled back over to the corner. He drew himself in as tightly as possible and threw his arms over his head. "Not here, not here, not here, not here, can't be here, not here." He said over and over.
Buffy scooted back against a wall and pulled her knees up to her chest. She rested her chin on them and watched Angel, tears falling silently down her cheeks. She remembered when she was little. They had a cat that had gotten hit by a car. Her dad had taken it to the vet and had it's broken leg bandaged. When he'd brought it home, he wouldn't let her touch it. He'd said that when animals are in pain you can't go to them, you have to set back and let them come to you.
She had been waiting her whole life for Angel to come to her, a little while longer wasn't going to make a difference.
I have your picture that still haunts me like your memory
These things have I
Chapter Two
Wes ducked into the alley and peered into the darkened depths. The alley smelled like rotten garbage. It's deserted. He was certain the vampire came down here but there is no sign of anyone. He crept silently down the alley and paused at the T intersection of it. There was a tiny blond girl near the dumpster. She had her back turned to him and was bent over picking something up off the ground.
"Are you alright, Miss?" he asked.
The girl turned. She recognized that British accent. "Wes?"
"Buffy, good Heaven's, I didn't recognize you." Wes said. He viewed her with a critical eye. She was much thinner then she was the last time he saw her. She looked older, tired. Her hair was longer and her hazel eyes were much older then her years.
Buffy raised an eyebrow and looked Wes up and down. "I'm not the one who's changed here Ex-Watcher Mine." Wes was wearing a pair of rugged khaki's, a white shirt and a black canvas duster. He had at least three day's beard growth. His hair was rumpled and then there was the missing arm.
"Yes, well I haven't seen you since Sunnydale." Wes said.
"Yes, back when you had two arms." Buffy slapped her hand over her mouth. "Sorry that was, uhm, inconsiderate."
"No, quite alright, I lost it in a battle with a Kunjai demon a couple of years ago. You didn't happen to see a vampire come this way, did you?" Wes asked looking around the alley.
"Yup, that pile of dust that is undistinguishable from all the other piles of dust, well that was him." Buffy said
"So what brings you to LA? Apocalypse?" Wes asked.
Buffy shook her head. "Nope, just up visiting Dad. Of course he had to leave for an important business trip to Rome ten minutes after I got here."
"It's good to know you've taken up patrols in LA then. Gunn and I can use the help." Wes said.
Buffy wrinkled her nose. "I wasn't really patrolling. I went for a mocha chino." She held aloft a paper cup of the frothy drink. "What do you mean you and Gunn? Who's Gunn? I thought you worked with Angel." Buffy looked at Wes with narrowed eyes.
"We do work with Angel." Wes said, deliberately avoiding the situation.
"Then why the need for back up? Is Angel hurt? Or are things extra Hell mouthy, without the Hell mouth part, here?" Buffy asked.
"No, it's rather a long story." Wes said. He shifted uncomfortably and glanced around the alley again.
"Ok, get with the telling, Wes. You're scaring me."
"Angel is-well he is-"Wes stopped unsure how to proceed. One had to be careful when giving a slayer bad news.
Buffy closed her eyes and waited for Wes to finish. He's not dead, he's not dead, he's not dead, she chanted in her head. He can't be dead. I would know if he was dead. I think I would know if he was dead.
"Angel is rather ill." Wes finally spit out.
"Rather ill? Explain, Wes. You're English rather ill could mean a cold or dying." Buffy said impatiently, the mocha chino in her hand instantly forgotten.
"It's a long story. Perhaps you'd walk with me." Wes indicated the alley leading to the street.
"He's not-you know." Buffy said. She couldn't bring herself to say dead out loud.
"Dead? No." Wes said.
They walked toward the street and turned back toward the Hyperion at the sidewalk. Cars streaked by them. People passed them. Los Angeles never really slept.
"I believe you met Doyle, Angel's friend and associate." Wes said.
Buffy nodded. "Yeah, he's the man with the visions. It was a long time ago. He was English?"
"Irish and yes he was the man with the visions. Shortly after your visit to Angel they ran into a bit of a problem. There was an army in LA set on purging half demons from the world. Angel and Doyle saved an entire group of half demons from this army. Doyle died in the process, but before he did he passed his visions to Angel." Wes said.
Buffy nodded. "That sounds reasonable. I mean they were visions from the Powers meant to help Angel anyway, right?"
"Correct. However, the visions are extremely powerful. When Angel has one it's almost as if he is the person in the vision. He sees what they see, smells what they smell and feels what they are feeling. I'm afraid hundreds of visions over the past three years have taken their toll. Angel is-mentally unstable." Wes said, trying to think of a kind way to describe Angel's condition.
Buffy looked at him wide eyed. "Angel is what?" Insane vampires were never good. Not that she'd known many, only Drusilla and the one the Council wanted to lock her up with on her eighteenth birthday.
"He's-it's rather difficult to explain. "Wes said.
"Then take me to him." Buffy demanded.
I have these countless hours to fill
The void you left in me
Buffy and Wes walked in the Hyperion. The lobby was dim. Gunn was slumped on the couch. The only sounds in the place are the electronic beeps and blips from the hand held video game he played. He didn't even glance up when they walked in.
"Hey," Gunn said.
"Wow, I bet this was really beautiful at one time." Buffy said in awe. She turned a slow circle, taking in the worn grandness of the old hotel.
Gunn looked up at the sound of her voice. His eyes raked over her. "Hel-lo." He drew out, and rose to his feet. He was by her side in an instant. "I'm Charles Gunn, and you would be?"
"Buffy Summers," She said.
"Oh," Gunn said, his hand dropped to his side. His face fell.
Buffy quirked an eyebrow at him, "did I say something wrong?" she asked.
"No, I didn't realize you were her." Gunn said.
"And somehow I'm confused even more." Buffy said.
"When you died, Willow called us on the phone. Angel was still lucid enough at that point to realize what had happened. He was uncontrollable for days afterward." Wes said.
"Days?" Gunn said with a sharp laugh. "That was the beginning of the end. He rambled incoherently about you for months."
Buffy wrinkled her brow. She set the forgotten mocha chino on the desk. "Willow told me she called when I came back."
"She did. Angel was- He wasn't lucid enough to get the message, or perhaps he didn't believe it. For all we know he thought it was one of his visions." Wes said.
Buffy nodded. She set her mouth in a thin line and looked up at Wes. "Can I see him?"
Wes looked at Gunn. "Has he been fed yet?"
"Naw, you know that's the last thing I do before bed, gives me the wiggins and ruins the rest of the night." Gunn said.
"It's best to wait until he's been fed." Wes said.
Buffy looked at both men, shocked. "I'm not waiting one more minute to see him. Give me the damn blood, I'll go feed him. I can't believe you two. He's Angel, how can you-"She stopped and shook her head. "Never mind, where's the blood?"
"The kitchen is this way." Wes said. They walked toward the kitchen. "You should be aware. Angel bit me yesterday morning."
"He bit you?" Buffy said in disbelief. "What have you done to him?"
Wes got a container of blood out of the fridge and put it in the microwave. He watched the container as it made lazy circles in the microwave, unwilling to meet Buffy's eyes. "We haven't done anything. I've tried to find something to help him. I've had countless witches, shaman and mystical counselors here to look at him. No one knows what to for him." Wes paused a moment. He took a deep breath. "You need to be prepared for what you're going to see. Angel doesn't remember his own name most of the time. He sees things, people he killed, demons attacking him. When he bit me he didn't realize it was me. He didn't realize it was him. You should know, Buffy, there is nothing of Angel left. The Angel you knew is lost."
"Then I'll find him." She said.
"I'm not entirely sure that's possible." Wes said.
"Neither is coming back from the dead, twice." She said.
Wes just nodded. She'd find out soon enough and really there was no way to explain what Angel had become to her. It was something she had to see for herself. Wes took the container out of the microwave and handed it to Buffy. They walked out of the kitchen wordlessly. Wes stopped at the reception desk for the tranquilizer gun.
"What is that?" Buffy asked, even though she knew what it was.
"He gets, unmanageable sometimes. We have to tranquilize him on occasion." Wes said.
"You are not going to shoot him. If he gets unmanageable, I'm not going to need a tranq gun to subdue him." Buffy said.
"It's not you I'm worried about." Wes said.
Buffy took the tranq gun from him and patiently unloaded all the darts. "You are not going to shoot him." She put the empty gun on the desk. She stood with her arms crossed defiantly over her chest. She dared Wes to cross her on this. She was fairly sure even this new improved Wes didn't have the balls. She was right.
Wes merely sighed and beckoned her. They walked up the stairs. Gunn watched them from below. This was going to get very interesting, he thought.
"You lock him up?" Buffy exclaimed as Wes slide back the iron bar across the steel door.
"Buffy, you don't understand. We have no choice. Not only is he a danger to others in this state, he is a danger to himself. We kept him in manacles for a long time. When we saw that he wasn't getting any better, we decided it was inhumane to have him chained all the time. This was the only other option we had." Wes unlocked and opened the door.
The smell hit her before anything else. It smelled like a crypt that hadn't been opened in decades. Wes flipped a light switch and a dim bare bulb flickered on. Buffy stepped into the room and she was nearly knocked to her knees by the sight. She had to struggle not to retch. She reached out and grabbed onto Wes' shoulder for support.
"Oh, God." She breathed.
Angel was curled up in a corner. As soon as she stepped into the room, Angel looked toward them with eyes that didn't see. He sniffed the air and then drew even further into his corner. He started muttering to himself. Buffy could just barely make out the words. "Not here, not here, not here, not here, not here, just a dream, not here." She swallowed the tears that choked her.
"Wes, you can go now." Buffy said.
"Buffy, I don't-"Wes started.
"You. Can. Go. Now." She said.
She barely heard Wes leave, shutting the door behind him. She dropped to her haunches, balancing herself with the fingertips of one hand on the floor. "Angel," She whispered very softly. He made no move to show any recognition at his name. He just eyed her warily from his corner, occasionally sniffing at the air. His eyes kept flickering to the blood she held.
Buffy set the blood on the floor. She backed away from it, but not to far away. He crept toward it slowly. Buffy's heart broke with every crawling, shuffling movement he made. She remembered all to well the graceful, fluid creature he had been. He picked the container up and she held her breath. She tried to remain completely still. He gulped the blood messily and she bit back a sob. She remembered an Angel that refused to eat in front of her. Now he looked at her confused, blood dripping from his chin and the corners of his mouth.
She reached out a hand to him. "Angel,"
Again there was no recognition in his eyes.
"Angelus," She said.
He crouched in fear and scuttled back over to the corner. He drew himself in as tightly as possible and threw his arms over his head. "Not here, not here, not here, not here, can't be here, not here." He said over and over.
Buffy scooted back against a wall and pulled her knees up to her chest. She rested her chin on them and watched Angel, tears falling silently down her cheeks. She remembered when she was little. They had a cat that had gotten hit by a car. Her dad had taken it to the vet and had it's broken leg bandaged. When he'd brought it home, he wouldn't let her touch it. He'd said that when animals are in pain you can't go to them, you have to set back and let them come to you.
She had been waiting her whole life for Angel to come to her, a little while longer wasn't going to make a difference.