Spoilers for:  Stargate, The Movie, Children of the Gods, Cold Lazarus, ok, too many to name here…mostly just a quick mention anyway.

Disclaimer:  Still don't own anything relating to Stargate, etc.  Just entertaining myself and maybe a few others…

~~~~~~~~Jack~~~~~~~~

I hate this.  I really, really hate this.  Sharing my feelings is something that I don't want to do.  I am a career military man.  I am Special Black OP's - trained to kill the enemy and not be killed.  I lead these people into battle against unknown enemies and their lives depend on me making rational, unemotional judgments.  I don't complain when I get hurt (no, really, I don't - that would be the drugs that they pump you up with talking) and I certainly don't cry in public.  Ok, so maybe sometimes I'll cry, but only when the situation warrants it - like the Stanley Cup finals, when your team is 2 minutes away from winning and you are going into sudden death.  But, I digress.  When I got out of bed two days ago - I didn't think I'd be here, sitting on Carter's sofa with my team, seeking solace with them from a loss of this magnitude.  Being military, I should be used to saying good-bye.  People leave - they get reassigned or quit.  Soldiers die.  But, Janet was not just any soldier.  She was a friend.  A good friend.  According to Teal'c, she died in the way all Jaffa want to go - in battle.  "Hers was an honorable death, O'Neill," he had said.  "She gave her life protecting someone who could no longer protect themselves.  Do you think that she would have preferred it any other way?"

I don't know anymore. 

Earlier today, (or was it yesterday? The days seem to be running together.) I went up to the surface for a little me time before Janet's service.  There is this sweet little spot up there - you are up so high - you can see for miles and the sky just seems to go on and on.  I go up there to clear my mind sometimes - when I need a little break or breathing space.  Sitting there, you can imagine eternity.   I was there today when I heard someone stumbling through the bushes.  It was Daniel coming to find me.  He dropped down on the ground next to me and said nothing for a moment.  Then it was like someone had pulled a plug out of his mouth because all this stuff came gushing out. 

"I don't think I can do this anymore, Jack.  I have lost too many people in my life - Sha're, my parents, my family on Abydos, Nick, Reese and now Janet.  So many times we have come close to losing Teal'c and Sam - not to mention the countless times we've almost lost you," he said, staring out at the horizon.  "I can't deal with this.  My brain has actually frozen.  I feel numb inside.  I can't work.  I can't even eat.  I go the long way around Level 18 to avoid the infirmary because I know she's not there."  He pulled his glasses off and looked at them before rubbing his eyes with his other hand.  "Tell me how to deal with this.  Tell me how you deal with this, because I don't think that I can."  He shoved his glasses back on his face and looked at me.  "Say something, Jack," he pleaded.

I sighed.  "I don't know, Daniel," I said.  I couldn't look at him.  "I can't tell you how to deal with this.  I can't even say how I do it - I just keep moving, putting one foot in front of the other and before I know it - days have passed and the hurt has lessened a bit.  You don't think about it as much.  But you don't forget them.  You never forget."  I finally turned my head to look at him.  "How's Sam doing?"

"That's why I came up here, really," he said, biting the inside edge of his lip.  "She's not doing so well.  I went to check on her and she was crying in her lab.  She practically slammed the door in my face.  I think she needs you."

"Carter doesn't need me," I said, raising my hand when he began to reply, "but, I'll go and talk to her if you think that would help."

"I think it would, Jack," he said, getting to his feet.  "I really think it would."

"I'll be down in a minute," I said, looking back out to the horizon.  "I just need a minute."

Daniel nodded and walked back towards the foot of the hill and the entryway for the mountain. 

I was left alone with my thoughts.  

Later, I made my way back down into the mountain.  I stopped off at the commissary to grab some blue Jell-O - Carter's favorite.  I figured that she wouldn't slam the door in my face if I brought an offering.  If that failed, I could just order her to let me in.  Pulling rank can be sweet.  The door to her office was open.  She wasn't in it.  OK, let's see. - if I was Carter, where would I be.  I thought for a moment and picked up the phone.

"Control Room, Sergeant Siler speaking."

"Sergeant, this is Colonel O'Neill.  Is Major Carter up there?"    

"No, Sir, Colonel.  I haven't seen her in quite a while.  Would you like me to page her for you?"

"No, Sergeant.  That will be all."

"Colonel, I can let you..." Siler's voice died out as I hung up the phone.

I walked over to the locker room and met Lieutenant Jones coming out.  She snapped to attention.

"Good morning, Colonel, sir!"

"At ease, Lieutenant.  Have you seen Major Carter?" 

"No, Sir, Colonel, sir," she gulped.  I sighed.  She was new.  "I haven't seen Major Carter today.  There is no one in the locker rooms."

"Thank you, Lieutenant.  As you were," I said turning on my heel.  There was only one other place that I thought that she could be.

Walking into the Gate room, I paused as memories flooded through my mind.  The first time I saw the gate actually work.  Going through it the first time with Daniel, seeing Sam's first reaction to the formation of the event horizon and then pushing her through it, returning to Abydos for Daniel and coming back with Teal'c and the refugees from Chulak.  The time we were going to return that alien metal probe thingy it's planet and it shot the metal bar through my shoulder, pinned me to the wall and tried to take over my body (I almost died that time - and no complaining!!  Well, almost none.).   Taking the entity that looked like my son Charlie back to his planet.   The countless times that I have carried others or been carried myself through it.  Almost always with Janet waiting at the base of the ramp with her medical bag of tricks to fix what ever couldn't wait for us to get to the infirmary. 

At first look, it seemed that the Gate room was empty, but I knew better.  There's a spot off to one side of the Gate room that isn't visible from the control room windows above or to the security cameras that dot our facility.  I know because I have sat in that spot before - several times.  As I walked around the weapons trained at the gate, I could see her sitting there with her knees drawn up to her chest and her arms wrapped around them.  Her head was resting on her knees - I couldn't see her face.  I glanced up at the bank of windows into the control room, but could only see the top of Siler's head.  He hadn't noticed me coming into the Gate room. 

"Carter," I said softly, not wanting to startle her.  "I brought this for you."  I thrust out my hand still holding the cup of blue Jell-O in it.  "Jell-O, it's good for what ails ya."  

"Thank you, sir, but I'm not really hungry right now," she said, her voice muffled by her knees. 

I looked at her for a minute, sighed, and levered myself down next to her, my knees creaking in protest.

"Carter," I said, putting the Jell-O cup off to one side.  I laced my fingers together and looked at them.  "I'm sorry.  I know this is going to be rough on you, but we're gonna get through it."

Her head popped up at this.  She turned to look at me, her blue eyes full of unshed tears.  "We are," she said, "but it's just so hard right now."  Her bottom lip quavered and she bit it as one tear slipped out and ran down her cheek.  She looked down and sniffed as another slipped down to join it's brother.  "I just can't seem to stop crying."  She looked back up at me, her face a mask of pain.  I unlaced my fingers, put my arm around her and pulled her close, her head resting on my shoulder.  She turned into me, her arms coming around me.  She hid her face against my shoulder, her quiet sobs becoming more noticeable as her shoulders shook with the effort of restraining them.  I pulled her into a better position where she was almost sitting in my lap and wrapped my arms around her as she began to sob harder. 

"Shhh," I murmured, as I began to stroke her head.  "It's ok to cry.  You loved her.  We all did."  I began to rock her slowly back and forth.  I noticed Siler walk into the Gate room, obviously looking for the source of the noise that he could hear from the control room.  He caught sight of me, us, and I waved one hand at him, gesturing for him to go away.  He retreated and the blast door to the room slid shut.

She pulled back at the sound of the door closing and looked at me, her tear streaked face aghast.  "Oh God, Jack.  What are we going to tell Cassie?  Daniel says we can't reach her because she's on that retreat for a month.  She doesn't even know about Janet.  It will kill her if she misses this.  She's already lost one mother and now…" Fresh tears welled up and I pulled her back into my arms. 

"It's ok, Sam.  Hammond has sent Teal'c and a helicopter to get her.  She'll be here.  And we'll be here for her," I finished, patting her back.  "We're family and we will take care of each other."  Finally her sobs began to die down and she pushed away from me, sniffling softly.  She gave me a small smile.

"Thanks, Jack, I mean, Sir," she said, knuckling away the remnants of the tears that still wet her cheeks.  "You've made me feel better." She stood up and sighed heavily.  "I guess, I better go any work on my speech for the memorial service.  Teal'c gave me some good ideas of what to say." 

I stood up, wincing only slightly when my knees groaned in protest.  "Yeah, T should be here pretty soon with Cassie.  I'll let you know when they get here."  She nodded, looking back down at her feet.  "You know, Carter, we're gonna be ok."

She looked back up at me, her eyes still shining with moisture.  "I know, Jack.  Thanks."

"Anytime," I said, stretching my arms over my head.  "I guess I'd better change my clothes, as I seem to have gotten caught in a waterfall."  She smiled slightly at this as she turned towards to the exit door.

"You might want to catch Siler before the rumor mill starts churning about us again," she said over her shoulder as she hit the switch to open the door.  "You know how fast that thing runs."

"Nah," I shrugged, as I followed her out the door, "I'll just tell 'em you had something in your eye and I was helping you get it out."

She snorted.  "Like they'll believe that."  She turned to face me.  "Thanks again, Sir," she said seriously.  "It really meant a lot to me that you …well, you know…" Her voice trailed off.

"Think nothing of it," I quipped, breaking the obvious tension.  "I'd do it for anybody."  She smiled at that and turned to walk towards the lift that would take her back to her office.  "Anytime.  Day or night, I'll be there.  Yeah."  I turned to walk away and noticed an airman standing at attention next to the stairs that led to the control room.  "Hi, how ya doin'," I said as I sprinted up the stairs, hoping to get to Siler before the base was abuzz with this new bit of gossip.

It was going to be a long day.