Disclaimer: Don't own anything relating to Stargate or it's characters.
Spoilers: V. brief mention of 100 days and Heroes, Part 2
AN: Thanks for all your reviews – only one more chapter to go!!
The Journal of Major Doctor Samantha Carter, USAF
Entry # 102-2004
"Inevitably" is a word that I have come to use a lot. Inevitably, we are all born; most of us grow up and, inevitably, pay taxes. Some get married and, for most, inevitably, have kids. In the military there are three inevitabilities.
1. You will inevitably not like your drill sergeant.
2. You will inevitably do more push-ups in the rain than you ever though you could.
3. Inevitably, someone you know will die.
Actually, everyone dies - it's just inevitably a matter of when. Or as Jack would say, "when the Big Man calls your number."
I have lost my best friend. Cassie has lost her mother. The SGC has lost a valued doctor and team member. Daniel is quiet on the matter. I think he may have started to care for her more than he let on to the rest of us. Teal'c, more used to death than perhaps any of us, says that it is never easy - the lost ones are mourned for a season on Chulak and then life goes on. Their loved ones are in shock for a time, mourn them and then move on - not forgetting, perhaps, but just getting on with life. What was it that Laira said? She mourned her husband for 100 days. My dad has mourned the loss of my mother since I was thirteen and I'm, what, 29 now? Just kidding. Janet would have laughed at that joke. God, I miss her!
I have been sitting here staring at the ceiling for the past several hours, reliving the today's events. Cassie has gone to stay at a friend's house - they probably took her out to get drunk - that's what my brother's friends did when my mom died. I was too young to do anything like that, but I remember my dad screaming at him when he finally came home the next day - about lack of respect, and how could he and so on. As if my dad could talk - the Kentucky whiskey and bourbon that he loves were conspicuously absent from our liquor cabinet that day. I think he was sad than Mark couldn't share his grief with us. Their rift started there and has only recently begun to heal.
Today was such a messed up day. Teal'c found me crying in my lab. I think he was taken aback since I never let anyone see me cry. Earlier, General Hammond had asked me to say a few words at Janet's memorial service but my mind was blank and I could think of nothing to say that could sum up her life in a few short phrases. Teal'c told me that he had spoken to the general who had requested that he, Teal'c, pick up Cassie from the retreat that she was on so that I wouldn't have to do it. Teal'c also shared with me some thoughts that he had written down. Words that he might say at the service if given the chance, but thought it would sound better coming from me. I was so touched after reading his words - I just hugged him. Not usually being a demonstrative person, I was surprised and pleased when he hugged me back - sharing his strength with me when I needed it most. I finished the speech in record time after that. Dr Mackenzie came to me just after I had finished and asked me to help him sort through some of her stuff - apparently the military wanted her personal effects gathered and removed as soon as possible. Sometimes I hate the military for their compassionate non-existence, but this was something that I knew had to be done. Her office took little time - only a few pictures and various things were in her desk. It was her locker that set me off again.
As I opened the door, her perfume wafted out at me. The heart necklace that Cassie had given her on her last birthday was there along with her favorite earrings that had been her mothers. The uniform that she had been wearing that morning was on a padded hanger. Pictures…of Cassie and of SG-1, her parents - so many points of light from a life that was now over. I couldn't take it anymore. I slammed the door shut and ran out of there. I needed to be someplace where I could hide. Going topside was a thought, but I would have to sign out too many times and that would mean answer questions that would, inevitably, be asked. So I went to the only other place that I could not be seen by the security cameras - the Gate room. There is a place there that if the door is open and you keep tight to the wall you can enter undetected when the camera pans away to the other side. Underneath the control room windows, there is an opening - big enough to sit down in comfortably. Unseen by any security camera, it's right behind the big guns that are trained at the gate 24/7. I think it is used for ammo storage when there is a "situation". Anyway, it was to this place I went, knowing that Sergeant Siler was the only one in the control room and I could get into the Gate room without him seeing me – I've done it before. I had only been there for about 10 minutes, alternately crying and trying in vain to get myself together when salvation appeared…in the form of Jack O'Neill. How he knew I'd be there and that I needed him right then, I'll never know. But there he was…and bearing a feel better gift of Jell-o.
He sat down next to me and just sat there, quietly offering his support. I think that undid me even more than Janet's locker. I started to cry again and he pulled me onto his lap and rocked me like a baby while I cried. Oh, God! He felt so good and smelled so nice. He was so caring and wonderful - a little part of my mind was greedily gathering details to go over later when I'm alone. The feel of his hands caressing my back and the utter peace I feel when we are like this. It makes me wish that…ok, I'm torturing myself now. Anyway, he helped me get myself back together and walked me back towards my lab, leaving me with a casual "Anytime, Carter." as if what he had done carried little significance. If he only knew…
A few minutes later, Teal'c arrived with Cassie and we had the memorial service. Teal'c's and my words were well received - there wasn't a dry eye in the house - mine included. Cassie and I gathered up Janet's stuff and we went…home. Cassie is staying with me until we can decide what to do with the house - sell it or rent it until Cassie decides if she wants to live here or not. She'll be going off to college soon and the rental income might be good for her. Maybe we could rent it to one of the SG team families - that way we'd know it was in good hands - but those are thoughts for another day.
(End of Journal Entry)
I sighed and closed my journal. Pushing it away from me, I went into the kitchen and opened up a bottle of the red wine that Janet and I used to like to drink on our Girl's Night In. Carrying a glass, I went out into the garden that she had helped me plant earlier that spring. I laid out an old blanket on the grass and stretched out, the wine glass resting on my stomach. It was a clear night with a gentle breeze, the full moon just rising over the horizon. As I sipped my wine, I looked up at the multitude of stars and I remembered a conversation that we had once while sunbathing in this very yard.
"If the war with the Goa'uld were over tomorrow, what would you do the next day?" she had asked, sitting up to apply more lotion to her shoulders.
"Go fishing with Jack" was my initial thought, but I couldn't say that.
"Oh, I don't know," I said, "maybe sleep late and then go see my brother and his family, I guess. You?"
"I'd plant a tree," she said promptly.
"Plant a tree?" I questioned, raising my sunglasses up to see if she was serious.
"Yup. My mom was big into that. Our family owns this plot of land, you see, and every time something momentous happens, we plant a tree in honor of the occasion. My parents planted an Englewood Spruce – sort of rare, but sturdy - when they got married, a Hawthorn tree when I was born, and an Aspen tree when my dad came home from Vietnam. I planted a Ponderosa Pine when they died – the tree sometimes smells like vanilla, which was my mom's favorite scent - when I adopted Cassie, we planted a Chokecherry tree…the list goes on," she finished, lying back on the lounger. "My mom used to say that trees are eternal. They start from a seed and can grow into something huge. You can cut them down and dig the roots out of the ground, but something of the tree always remains, whether it is pieces of wood that will rot and feed the earth or leftover roots that will inevitably grow back into another tree."
I mulled this over for a few seconds. "Yeah, I guess you are right. Trees do seem to survive. Lord knows we see enough of them on almost every planet we visit."
Janet laughed and rolled over onto her stomach. "Daniel says that the Colonel loves to complain about them."
I laughed also. "That he does," I said. "That he does."
My memory ended here and I blink as I see a shooting star streak across my field of vision. I now know what to do. Tomorrow, Cassie and I will visit the nursery for a flowering tree and plant it on Janet's (now Cassie's) land. She would like that.
Finishing my wine, I got up and picked up the blanket. I went back inside the house and put the glass in the sink. Making sure that all the doors were locked, I went into my bedroom, changed into my favorite sleep shirt and sank down on the bed. Turning off the light, I thought about all that had happened that day. Worn out from several bouts of crying, I had no trouble falling asleep only to be woken a few hours later by an insistent pounding on my door. Daniel, later followed by Colonel O'Neill and Teal'c, descended upon my doorstep and invaded my house. Coffee and juice were passed out as we sat in front of the TV. The Colonel insisted on being in charge of the remote, so I just sat there, enjoying the feeling of being surrounded by my friends. Not much was said and I dozed off in my chair, waking to find myself being carried into my room by Jack (if he is in my bedroom, I refuse to think of him as the Colonel!). As he placed me on the bed, I opened my eyes and looked at him.
"Ok if we stay the night, Carter?" he asked softly, already knowing that I would not say no. "T 's taken the sunroom and Daniel is crashing on the sofa. I called dibs on the pull out in the study," he admitted with a shy smile.
I smiled sleepily at him and nodded. "Tomorrow we plant a tree for her," I said, before closing my eyes.
He pulled the comforter up over me and ran his hand over the side of my head, ruffling my hair slightly. Almost as an afterthought, he leaned down and placed a kiss on my forehead, murmuring, "Ok, Sam, whatever." and turned out the light. I heard him shut the door as he left and then say something to Daniel. I also heard him curse quietly when he stubbed his toe on the table outside my office door. Smiling in the darkness, I listened to the house settle into silence, my friends just a call away if I needed them. Rolling over, I snuggled down under the comforter and buried my head into the pillow. My long day was finally over.