Disclaimer: Don't own anything relating to Stargate, it's characters or parent companies…but I'm hoping for Mother's Day, maybe?
Spoilers: A few, but pretty minor ones.
AN: Thank you for all your reviews – this is the final chapter!! I can't believe I've actually finished one!!
~~~~~~~Daniel~~~~~~~
We buried Janet today. As I stood, watching her casket being lowered into the ground, I kept thinking, "This is so surreal. I can't imagine going into the infirmary and not seeing her there, coming out of her office, ready with her penlight, needles and a kind word to make it all better." It was hard to breathe as my eyes filled up with unshed tears and a hand slipped into mine. I looked down at Cassie who was watching me, her eyes large and troubled. I don't have words for her. I squeezed her hand as Sam put an arm around Cassie's shoulders. This has been the longest day.
I was talking to Jack earlier and I told him that I couldn't do this anymore. I told him that my mind was numb – I wasn't exaggerating. I haven't been able to hold onto a cohesive thought for what seems like days, but only may be hours. I keep remembering all the times that Janet and I shared, laughter over coffee in the commissary or long late night talks while I was cooped up in the infirmary after being patched up after one mishap or the other. I guess that is when I really got to know her.
Janet Frasier was not your normal military woman. She lived through a messy and painful divorce only to come out stronger. She spent time in Iraq during the Gulf War – something I did not know until one of our late night talks – and lived to tell about it. She had seen the pain of death, yet seemed untouched by it. Janet had a steel backbone, encased in a gentle, caring heart. She took Cassie into her home and heart when her family, hell, her whole planet, was killed by Nirrti's experimenting. She truly was a caring person.
She could, however, be ruthless when it came to our health and well being. Jack called her a "Napoleonic power monger", but he would say that about anyone who would confine him to his bed or stick him in the butt with those "big honkin' needles" that she so often seemed to be using on him. She was special – to me, to everyone who knew her, going beyond the call of duty and working long hours with little or no sleep to watch over us. That went for all the SGC personnel, be it military or civilian staff. She was our "Mother Hen", waiting at the end of the gate ramp when we returned from a mission, clucking us over and ushering whomever was injured to the infirmary – usually me.
Always ready to listen, Janet helped me through some of the most traumatic times in my life. She was there for me when Sha're died. I can never thank her enough for that. I wouldn't talk to anyone – not even Jack or Sam – but Janet just kept quiet, and was ready with a shoulder to cry on when I was ready to talk. The time that I was possessed by Ma'chello's Goa'uld killers, Janet tried everything she knew before MacKenzie had me committed to the insane asylum. I remember her holding my hand when I was dying from the radiation that I'd been exposed to on Kelowna. So many times, we were on the brink of dying, only to be brought back by her capable hands. She was our calm port in the tempest storm.
She never let me down.
I let her down.
I wasn't ready when she needed me the most. Maybe, if I had paid more attention to our surroundings rather than that stupid video camera, she'd still be alive. Teal'c and Jack have both said that it was not my fault, and I know this. I just wish that I could have done something different – anything – to keep her here. She's gone – she's not coming back. And I'll never be the same without her.
So, here I sit, in Sam's living room, watching Jack flip through channels, bemoaning the fact that there is nothing on TV at this hour. My coffee has grown cold, yet I still clutch the cup in my hands. Teal'c has gone off to the sunroom to kel'noreem and Sam has fallen asleep in her chair. I put my cup down on the table and motion to Jack to shut off the TV. He nods, stands and walks over to Sam.
"Carter," he murmurs. "Carter, it's bedtime."
She mumbles something incoherent and shifts in the chair.
Jack looks at me and sighs. He scoops her into his arms and turns to me. "I'll flip ya for the bed in the office," he says as he goes past me towards the hallway and Sam's bedroom door. He pauses and looks at me over his shoulder.
"That's ok, Jack," I say, dragging the blanket off the sofa. "I'll stay out here. You can have the bed. Just don't trip over the hall table in the dark and wake everybody up."
He looks at me for a minute more, shifting Sam into a better position in his arms. "You know, we're gonna be ok, Spacemonkey," he says, giving me a slight smile. "We're going to get through this – together."
I nod at him and he turns and walks down the hallway towards Sam's room. I stretch out on the recently vacated sofa and flip off the side table lamp as I hear Jack speaking softly to Sam and her bedroom door closing. He moves off further down the hall, swearing softly as he stubs his toe on the hall table. I smile, the first real smile since yesterday morning. The office door opens and shuts.
I lay here in the dark, my arms crossed behind my head. The house is now silent. I can hear the wind chimes on the patio tinkle as a gentle breeze blows in through the partially open patio door billowing the filmy curtains. The wind ruffles my hair slightly and it's as if she is there, letting me know that it is ok and she'll still be watching us from above. I smile at my slightly fanciful thought and roll onto my side facing the window. The curtains puff out again, as if waiting for a response from me. I say the only thing that I can.
"Thank you, Janet. For everything that you were and always will be to us, thank you."
The wind calms and I hear a bird call, sweetly heralding the coming dawn. Another day has begun.
~Fin.~