Title: Me, Mac and Sarah
Author: Chris
Rating: PG
Summary: Mac thinks about her relationships with Clay and Harm then takes
action.
Spoilers: set right after 'take it like a man'
Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue.
Feedback: appreciated but not required
Chapter 3
Mac's POV
As Harm holds me I think of how right it feels. He holds me with just the right amount of strength, tight enough that I feel safe but not so tight that I feel trapped. Clay doesn't do that, the times he does hold me it's like he's hanging on for his life.
I start thinking about what Clay said, that I was with him because Harm wasn't available. Maybe Clay is right, Harm is everything I want and Clay's the anti Harm. That way nothing he does reminds me of Harm. Only problem with that is that it means he does nearly everything wrong.
The most important thing is that Harm can recognize the difference between Sarah MacKenzie, Mac and Sarah but there are other things too. Probably the one I've noticed the most this week is the alcohol. I know Harm drinks but he doesn't do it around me. The only time I see him with alcohol is if I show up unannounced at his place. Even then he usually pours it down the sink. He has respect for my alcoholism, he knows I can control myself but he's not about to test or taunt me. Clay knows I'm an alcoholic but he doesn't seem to care unless I try to take a drink. He drinks around me constantly, but the worst part is he leaves his alcohol at my place when he leaves. Just because I've been sober for five years doesn't mean I won't be tempted by a glass of liquor, especially after a week like this one.
I need people to be there when I need them, Clay's out of town so much that he's almost never there at all, never mind when I need him the most. He's not just out of town or the country either, he's incommunicado. I have no way to get in touch with him, sometimes all I need is just to hear the sound of his voice. Harm is always there, if he's not physically nearby he's only a phone call away. Sometimes all I need is for someone to listen and Harm always does that.
Harm can somehow always tell when I'm restless, even if we're not sleeping in the same bed or even the same room. I move to get up and he's awake asking if there's anything wrong. I got out of bed and was staring out the window for over half an hour and Clay was dead to the world. I got dressed and left the apartment and he didn't wake up. When the man's not on a mission he sleeps like a log. I know that shouldn't be so important to me but it is.
I know I said 'never' in Paraguay but I was wrong, I need Harm, I always have. Clay was just a substitute, a relationship built out of pity and the need to not feel alone. This has to end, it's not fair to Clay, it's not fair to Harm and it's definitely not fair to me.
Chapter 3
Mac's POV
As Harm holds me I think of how right it feels. He holds me with just the right amount of strength, tight enough that I feel safe but not so tight that I feel trapped. Clay doesn't do that, the times he does hold me it's like he's hanging on for his life.
I start thinking about what Clay said, that I was with him because Harm wasn't available. Maybe Clay is right, Harm is everything I want and Clay's the anti Harm. That way nothing he does reminds me of Harm. Only problem with that is that it means he does nearly everything wrong.
The most important thing is that Harm can recognize the difference between Sarah MacKenzie, Mac and Sarah but there are other things too. Probably the one I've noticed the most this week is the alcohol. I know Harm drinks but he doesn't do it around me. The only time I see him with alcohol is if I show up unannounced at his place. Even then he usually pours it down the sink. He has respect for my alcoholism, he knows I can control myself but he's not about to test or taunt me. Clay knows I'm an alcoholic but he doesn't seem to care unless I try to take a drink. He drinks around me constantly, but the worst part is he leaves his alcohol at my place when he leaves. Just because I've been sober for five years doesn't mean I won't be tempted by a glass of liquor, especially after a week like this one.
I need people to be there when I need them, Clay's out of town so much that he's almost never there at all, never mind when I need him the most. He's not just out of town or the country either, he's incommunicado. I have no way to get in touch with him, sometimes all I need is just to hear the sound of his voice. Harm is always there, if he's not physically nearby he's only a phone call away. Sometimes all I need is for someone to listen and Harm always does that.
Harm can somehow always tell when I'm restless, even if we're not sleeping in the same bed or even the same room. I move to get up and he's awake asking if there's anything wrong. I got out of bed and was staring out the window for over half an hour and Clay was dead to the world. I got dressed and left the apartment and he didn't wake up. When the man's not on a mission he sleeps like a log. I know that shouldn't be so important to me but it is.
I know I said 'never' in Paraguay but I was wrong, I need Harm, I always have. Clay was just a substitute, a relationship built out of pity and the need to not feel alone. This has to end, it's not fair to Clay, it's not fair to Harm and it's definitely not fair to me.