Chapter Fourteen
Angel kneeled beside the hospital bed. He held Buffy's hand in both of his. His head was bowed and it looked for all world like he was praying. He had been there for two days. He never moved. He didn't get up to stretch or to rest. If one watched closely, like Willow was doing, he even forgot to breathe. It was true he didn't have to breathe but he had picked up the habit a couple of centuries ago because he found it made him fit in better with humans.
Willow walked in the hospital room. She laid her hand on Angel's shoulder. "Angel, the doctor wants to talk to us. They got her CAT scans back."
Angel nodded and rose stiffly. He bent over and kissed Buffy's forehead. "I'll be right back, Buffy," he whispered as if he expected her to nod or say okay. She didn't. She hadn't moved or made any sort of response in two days.
They followed the doctor into an empty room. He had Buffy's CAT scans already up on light boxes. He turned off the lights and switched on the boxes. "Mr. Giles has explained to me about the seizures Buffy gets. We have found no explanation for these seizures in any of the tests we've run. I know they result in horrible migraines for her and she took a number of pain pills to combat them." The doctor gestured to the scans on the light boxes. "These are Buffy's CAT Scans. I don't have prior scans to compare it too so I added a scan of a healthy brain, so you'd get an idea of what I'm talking about. The red areas are hot areas, what you'd normally expect of a healthy, functioning brain. The green and yellow areas signify dead brain tissue." The doctor allowed his words to sink in.
Angel swallowed hard and struggled against letting the demon out. Buffy's scans were primarily green and yellow.
"You're saying her brain is dying?" Giles said.
The doctor nodded. "Normally you wouldn't see a scan like this. I only assume from what I know that these seizures attack Buffy's brain. We can give her some anti seizure medicine, see if it helps."
"She-you can't live without a brain," Willow choked out.
Angel moved faster then anyone could track. One second he was standing next to Willow the next he had the doctor pinned the wall by his throat. "You're wrong. Find some way to help her. I don't care how, but you're wrong." He growled.
"Angel, let him go. It's not his fault, let him go." Giles said calmly in the same tone you use with a wild, rabid animal. He placed one hand on Angel's shoulder and pulled back a little, knowing there was no chance of him pulling the vampire off the doctor if he really wanted to hurt him.
"Angel, "Willow said and it sounded strangled. It was her soft voice and her gentle hand on Angel's shoulder that actually made the vampire move. He darted his gaze toward her, he had somehow managed to control the demon for the most part but his eyes were gold. He stared at Willow a moment and finally lowered his hand and stepped back. His eyes had gone back to their deep, chocolate brown. He mumbled something that sounded like I'm sorry and dashed out of the room. Willow and Xander followed him, leaving Giles to make apologies to the doctor.
"I'm terribly sorry. He-they've been separated for sometime by circumstances and they've just now gotten to make a life together." Giles trailed off. He wasn't sure how you apologized for choking someone.
The doctor nodded and rubbed his throat. He took a moment before speaking and when he did his voice was rough. "Yes, well I wish I had more hopeful news for him, for all of you. I don't. I'm going to order some more tests but for the most part if she wakes up, I'll send her home."
"How much time do you think she has?" Giles made himself ask. He couldn't say her name. It would bring it all home and he couldn't deal with his slayer dying and remain coherent at the same time.
The doctor shook his head. He refrained from referring to her by name also, as if he understood. "I don't know. She shouldn't be alive now these scans. She- I'd say it was impossible except that obviously it's not."
Giles chuckled and smiled slightly. Tears rushed to his eyes, "She's spent most of her life defying what most people define as impossible." He turned to go and stopped at the door. "Thank you, Doctor."
Giles walked back into the waiting room to find Xander and Willow gathered around Dawn. The brunette was sobbing in Xander's arms. Willow patted her back awkwardly. When she saw Giles she stood up and went to him. She caught him in a hug and Giles' arms went around her almost awkwardly. He had almost forgotten in the crisis that he had another daughter in all but name. Willow was his almost as much as Buffy was. He started to murmur nonsensical shallow things meant to be comforting like "It will be okay," but he realized it wouldn't be okay not now. Maybe in a few months, after Buffy-after it was all over, but now it wasn't okay and it wouldn't be for a long time.
"Where's Angel?" Giles asked.
Willow pulled away. "He said there were some people he had to talk to and then he ran out of here."
Giles looked at her perplexed and then glanced at his watch. "But it's broad daylight."
"I'm assuming he knew that G-man and took the sewers to whoever he's got such a mad on to see. Maybe it's someone about anger management because you know I don't like that doctor anymore then he does right now but choking, that's an anger management issue if I ever saw one." Xander babbled. He did that when he was distressed.
Giles glanced at Xander and Dawn sitting next to him. "Xander, why don't I take Dawn back to the hotel? You and Willow can stay here with Buffy. You'll call if there's any change."
"Sure thing," Xander said. He turned to Willow, "want to head up to the snack machine with me? This is going to require lots of sugar and preservatives that no human being can pronounce."
Willow nodded. She hugged Dawn briefly and waved a little at Giles.
"Someone will come back to relieve you two in a few hours. If Angel returns, please let us know." Giles said. He was worried about the vampire and what he might do.
*
Angel stood in front of the Oracles. Fury and rage rolled off of him and made the room seem small and claustrophobic somehow.
"Take them back. You can fold a day. Fold this all back to sometime before the visions started killing her." Angel said.
"We can not." The female said simply. Her voice seemed to hold regret and sympathy for he situation.
"You can't or you won't?" Angel asked.
"You heard her. We can not." The male said. "You do not realize what you are asking. She begin to die from the moment she had the very first vision. You are asking us to fold time back an entire year. We can not do that." His voice by contrast was cold and empty. Angel knew the only help he would get would come from the female.
Angel turned his gaze to the female. "Please, I'll give up anything. I'll give up my existence, my soul, anything just name your price."
The female shook her head and looked away. Angel would swear there were tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry. There is nothing we can do." She met his gaze again and there were tears glistening in her eyes. "Your pain is palatable. If there were anything I could do, I would."
"My shanshu, take my shanshu. Give the life I'm supposed to have to her." Angel pleaded.
The female shook her head slowly. She stepped closer to Angel and laid an outstretched hand on his cheek. A single tear trickled down her face. "Do you know how long it has been since a lower being's pain has brought me to tears? No, you can not. Let it suffice to say, I do not remember the last time and my memory is most excellent. If I could restore her, I would merely because your pain is so great I can feel it but I can't."
Angel stepped away from the Oracle's touch. Rage replaced pain in his eyes. "No! I don't accept that! Don't you understand the visions are killing her!" He screamed.
"She knew that would be the price when she took them." The male said.
Angel looked to the female for confirmation. She nodded. "It is the burden she chose to bear." Her voice was almost a whisper.
"Then I quit. If the almighty, great Powers that Be let her die, I quit." Angel spit out.
The female smiled slightly. "Don't you realize, she wasn't supposed to be here anyway? Her life, this time around, was a gift to her and to you. She's died twice before and twice before she was granted new life, you were granted a new chance. The Powers don't give gifts of such magnitude lightly."
"Then they can do it again." Angel said.
The female just looked at him, sympathy and sadness etching her face. The male watched her for a moment and then turned to Angel. "You have upset my sister. Now take your petty mortal problems and pain and be gone."
"I quit!" Angel screamed as the male threw him back through the gateway. He landed hard on the rock floor. He lay there and let sobs rack his body. After he cried himself dry he picked himself up and took the sewers back to the hospital.
Angel was kneeling beside her bed the next day when her eyes fluttered open. Buffy smiled slightly at him. "Hey," her voice was rough and quiet.
Angel smiled at her. "Morning, sleepyhead."
She stretched her arms above her head and yawned. "How long was I out?"
"Almost four days." Angel answered.
"Wow, so probably caught up on my sleep."
He smiled at her. "Can I get you anything?"
"Yeah, I want out of here. Take me home." Buffy said.
The doctor signed Buffy out quickly. Angel wasn't sure if he was afraid he was going to be choked again or not. He handed him a sheaf of papers and instructions along with a bottle of seizure medication. "I'm not sure what to tell you to expect because I've never encountered anything like this before. If anything happens that you're uncomfortable taking care of, my pager number is there. Feel free to call it any time day or night."
Angel nodded. "Th-thank you." He managed to say.
"For what it's worth, I am sorry." The doctor said.
Angel merely nodded. If he started speaking he was going to end up in tears again and Buffy didn't need that. He had to be strong, for her.
Buffy walked out of her room dressed in jeans that were too big and a bulky, pale blue sweater. Somehow in four days she seemed to have gotten smaller, more fragile. There were dark circles under her eyes and her face seemed hollowed out. Angel extended his hand and Buffy walked to him. Her fingers laced with his.
"Ready to go?" He asked.
She nodded. "Please,"
Willow threw a Welcome Home Buffy party. Everyone laughed and smiled and it sounded hollow. Dawn ran out in the middle of it. Giles went after her. They returned a little while later with red swollen eyes and too bright smiles.
Buffy kept having visions but she no longer made any pretense of going with Angel, Wes, Gunn and Xander, who went just to have something to do, to fight. She took a handful of pain pills and retreated to the dark of her and Angel's room until they returned, vision problem taken care of. The demons the visions led them too didn't have a chance. They were the only ones Angel could take his anger and rage out on. He knew every vision was killing her just a little more and that killed him. The only thing he could do to help was take care of the problem as quickly as possible so that she wouldn't be in pain any longer then necessary.
As if by some unspoken agreement, everyone stayed at the hotel. Angel knew they would be there until she was gone. She had brought them here, it was only appropriate that her leaving would mean they would leave also. The lobby of the hotel was a constant flurry of activity. Buffy tried to stay down there with everyone else as much as possible. She would fall asleep on that funny round couch and wake up with a crick in her neck. Angel had Gunn go buy the biggest, softest couch he could find. The delivery men parked it right in the middle of the lobby at Angel's instruction. It became known as Buffy's couch because she spent most of her time curled up on it amid blankets and pillows.
Wes, Giles and Willow spent all their spare time researching. There were piles upon piles of books in the lobby. There wasn't a lot of information on visions and the effects they had on humans and what there was wasn't hopeful. They kept looking. Wes was convinced that there had to be a way to save Buffy. In the mean time, she got weaker. She forgot things, events and one day she forgot Giles' name. She stumbled up the stairs and locked herself in the bedroom.
Angel stood outside the door for a little while, pleading with her to let him in. Finally he twisted the door latch and popped the lock. He went in quietly, shutting the door behind him. Buffy looked up at him from the bed with red swollen eyes.
"One of these days I'll forget your name." She said.
Tears rushed to his eyes. "Then I'll remind you." He walked to the bed and set down on the edge. Buffy had a yellow legal pad on her lap.
"Will you be my witness?" She asked.
"For what?" He said.
She gestured to the legal pad. "My will, I need to write it before I forget everything or you know, die."
"Buffy, you're not-"Angel started.
She held a hand up, palm out. "Angel, I know I'm dying. I can feel it. Besides, I've seen the CAT scans. The doctor doesn't know how my brain is even functioning with all the dead tissue that shows up. Please, I don't want to leave you. Don't make it harder then it has to be." Tears glistened in her eyes.
Angel nodded. He couldn't make the words come so he just nodded.
"Okay, so I'm leaving the house to Dawn. I'm going to see if Giles will be her guardian. I think if I leave it in my will, the court will respect it. She'll be eighteen in another year anyway. I'll leave the car to Dawn also, even though it scares me to think of her driving. She's as good with cars as I was at her age. The rest of my stuff is yours. It's mostly just stuff, but there's Mr. Gordo and I know you and he have something special together and my diaries, after you read them if you'd let Giles go through them for anything that will help the Council and the other slayers..." Buffy trailed off. She looked up at Angel and the tears that she'd been holding back burst forth. "Can you just hold me, please."
Angel wrapped his arms around her, drawing her into himself and laid down. She cried into his chest and his tears dripped into her hair. It was finally beginning to sink in that he was going to have to figure out life without his beautiful girl in it.
Angel kneeled beside the hospital bed. He held Buffy's hand in both of his. His head was bowed and it looked for all world like he was praying. He had been there for two days. He never moved. He didn't get up to stretch or to rest. If one watched closely, like Willow was doing, he even forgot to breathe. It was true he didn't have to breathe but he had picked up the habit a couple of centuries ago because he found it made him fit in better with humans.
Willow walked in the hospital room. She laid her hand on Angel's shoulder. "Angel, the doctor wants to talk to us. They got her CAT scans back."
Angel nodded and rose stiffly. He bent over and kissed Buffy's forehead. "I'll be right back, Buffy," he whispered as if he expected her to nod or say okay. She didn't. She hadn't moved or made any sort of response in two days.
They followed the doctor into an empty room. He had Buffy's CAT scans already up on light boxes. He turned off the lights and switched on the boxes. "Mr. Giles has explained to me about the seizures Buffy gets. We have found no explanation for these seizures in any of the tests we've run. I know they result in horrible migraines for her and she took a number of pain pills to combat them." The doctor gestured to the scans on the light boxes. "These are Buffy's CAT Scans. I don't have prior scans to compare it too so I added a scan of a healthy brain, so you'd get an idea of what I'm talking about. The red areas are hot areas, what you'd normally expect of a healthy, functioning brain. The green and yellow areas signify dead brain tissue." The doctor allowed his words to sink in.
Angel swallowed hard and struggled against letting the demon out. Buffy's scans were primarily green and yellow.
"You're saying her brain is dying?" Giles said.
The doctor nodded. "Normally you wouldn't see a scan like this. I only assume from what I know that these seizures attack Buffy's brain. We can give her some anti seizure medicine, see if it helps."
"She-you can't live without a brain," Willow choked out.
Angel moved faster then anyone could track. One second he was standing next to Willow the next he had the doctor pinned the wall by his throat. "You're wrong. Find some way to help her. I don't care how, but you're wrong." He growled.
"Angel, let him go. It's not his fault, let him go." Giles said calmly in the same tone you use with a wild, rabid animal. He placed one hand on Angel's shoulder and pulled back a little, knowing there was no chance of him pulling the vampire off the doctor if he really wanted to hurt him.
"Angel, "Willow said and it sounded strangled. It was her soft voice and her gentle hand on Angel's shoulder that actually made the vampire move. He darted his gaze toward her, he had somehow managed to control the demon for the most part but his eyes were gold. He stared at Willow a moment and finally lowered his hand and stepped back. His eyes had gone back to their deep, chocolate brown. He mumbled something that sounded like I'm sorry and dashed out of the room. Willow and Xander followed him, leaving Giles to make apologies to the doctor.
"I'm terribly sorry. He-they've been separated for sometime by circumstances and they've just now gotten to make a life together." Giles trailed off. He wasn't sure how you apologized for choking someone.
The doctor nodded and rubbed his throat. He took a moment before speaking and when he did his voice was rough. "Yes, well I wish I had more hopeful news for him, for all of you. I don't. I'm going to order some more tests but for the most part if she wakes up, I'll send her home."
"How much time do you think she has?" Giles made himself ask. He couldn't say her name. It would bring it all home and he couldn't deal with his slayer dying and remain coherent at the same time.
The doctor shook his head. He refrained from referring to her by name also, as if he understood. "I don't know. She shouldn't be alive now these scans. She- I'd say it was impossible except that obviously it's not."
Giles chuckled and smiled slightly. Tears rushed to his eyes, "She's spent most of her life defying what most people define as impossible." He turned to go and stopped at the door. "Thank you, Doctor."
Giles walked back into the waiting room to find Xander and Willow gathered around Dawn. The brunette was sobbing in Xander's arms. Willow patted her back awkwardly. When she saw Giles she stood up and went to him. She caught him in a hug and Giles' arms went around her almost awkwardly. He had almost forgotten in the crisis that he had another daughter in all but name. Willow was his almost as much as Buffy was. He started to murmur nonsensical shallow things meant to be comforting like "It will be okay," but he realized it wouldn't be okay not now. Maybe in a few months, after Buffy-after it was all over, but now it wasn't okay and it wouldn't be for a long time.
"Where's Angel?" Giles asked.
Willow pulled away. "He said there were some people he had to talk to and then he ran out of here."
Giles looked at her perplexed and then glanced at his watch. "But it's broad daylight."
"I'm assuming he knew that G-man and took the sewers to whoever he's got such a mad on to see. Maybe it's someone about anger management because you know I don't like that doctor anymore then he does right now but choking, that's an anger management issue if I ever saw one." Xander babbled. He did that when he was distressed.
Giles glanced at Xander and Dawn sitting next to him. "Xander, why don't I take Dawn back to the hotel? You and Willow can stay here with Buffy. You'll call if there's any change."
"Sure thing," Xander said. He turned to Willow, "want to head up to the snack machine with me? This is going to require lots of sugar and preservatives that no human being can pronounce."
Willow nodded. She hugged Dawn briefly and waved a little at Giles.
"Someone will come back to relieve you two in a few hours. If Angel returns, please let us know." Giles said. He was worried about the vampire and what he might do.
*
Angel stood in front of the Oracles. Fury and rage rolled off of him and made the room seem small and claustrophobic somehow.
"Take them back. You can fold a day. Fold this all back to sometime before the visions started killing her." Angel said.
"We can not." The female said simply. Her voice seemed to hold regret and sympathy for he situation.
"You can't or you won't?" Angel asked.
"You heard her. We can not." The male said. "You do not realize what you are asking. She begin to die from the moment she had the very first vision. You are asking us to fold time back an entire year. We can not do that." His voice by contrast was cold and empty. Angel knew the only help he would get would come from the female.
Angel turned his gaze to the female. "Please, I'll give up anything. I'll give up my existence, my soul, anything just name your price."
The female shook her head and looked away. Angel would swear there were tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry. There is nothing we can do." She met his gaze again and there were tears glistening in her eyes. "Your pain is palatable. If there were anything I could do, I would."
"My shanshu, take my shanshu. Give the life I'm supposed to have to her." Angel pleaded.
The female shook her head slowly. She stepped closer to Angel and laid an outstretched hand on his cheek. A single tear trickled down her face. "Do you know how long it has been since a lower being's pain has brought me to tears? No, you can not. Let it suffice to say, I do not remember the last time and my memory is most excellent. If I could restore her, I would merely because your pain is so great I can feel it but I can't."
Angel stepped away from the Oracle's touch. Rage replaced pain in his eyes. "No! I don't accept that! Don't you understand the visions are killing her!" He screamed.
"She knew that would be the price when she took them." The male said.
Angel looked to the female for confirmation. She nodded. "It is the burden she chose to bear." Her voice was almost a whisper.
"Then I quit. If the almighty, great Powers that Be let her die, I quit." Angel spit out.
The female smiled slightly. "Don't you realize, she wasn't supposed to be here anyway? Her life, this time around, was a gift to her and to you. She's died twice before and twice before she was granted new life, you were granted a new chance. The Powers don't give gifts of such magnitude lightly."
"Then they can do it again." Angel said.
The female just looked at him, sympathy and sadness etching her face. The male watched her for a moment and then turned to Angel. "You have upset my sister. Now take your petty mortal problems and pain and be gone."
"I quit!" Angel screamed as the male threw him back through the gateway. He landed hard on the rock floor. He lay there and let sobs rack his body. After he cried himself dry he picked himself up and took the sewers back to the hospital.
Angel was kneeling beside her bed the next day when her eyes fluttered open. Buffy smiled slightly at him. "Hey," her voice was rough and quiet.
Angel smiled at her. "Morning, sleepyhead."
She stretched her arms above her head and yawned. "How long was I out?"
"Almost four days." Angel answered.
"Wow, so probably caught up on my sleep."
He smiled at her. "Can I get you anything?"
"Yeah, I want out of here. Take me home." Buffy said.
The doctor signed Buffy out quickly. Angel wasn't sure if he was afraid he was going to be choked again or not. He handed him a sheaf of papers and instructions along with a bottle of seizure medication. "I'm not sure what to tell you to expect because I've never encountered anything like this before. If anything happens that you're uncomfortable taking care of, my pager number is there. Feel free to call it any time day or night."
Angel nodded. "Th-thank you." He managed to say.
"For what it's worth, I am sorry." The doctor said.
Angel merely nodded. If he started speaking he was going to end up in tears again and Buffy didn't need that. He had to be strong, for her.
Buffy walked out of her room dressed in jeans that were too big and a bulky, pale blue sweater. Somehow in four days she seemed to have gotten smaller, more fragile. There were dark circles under her eyes and her face seemed hollowed out. Angel extended his hand and Buffy walked to him. Her fingers laced with his.
"Ready to go?" He asked.
She nodded. "Please,"
Willow threw a Welcome Home Buffy party. Everyone laughed and smiled and it sounded hollow. Dawn ran out in the middle of it. Giles went after her. They returned a little while later with red swollen eyes and too bright smiles.
Buffy kept having visions but she no longer made any pretense of going with Angel, Wes, Gunn and Xander, who went just to have something to do, to fight. She took a handful of pain pills and retreated to the dark of her and Angel's room until they returned, vision problem taken care of. The demons the visions led them too didn't have a chance. They were the only ones Angel could take his anger and rage out on. He knew every vision was killing her just a little more and that killed him. The only thing he could do to help was take care of the problem as quickly as possible so that she wouldn't be in pain any longer then necessary.
As if by some unspoken agreement, everyone stayed at the hotel. Angel knew they would be there until she was gone. She had brought them here, it was only appropriate that her leaving would mean they would leave also. The lobby of the hotel was a constant flurry of activity. Buffy tried to stay down there with everyone else as much as possible. She would fall asleep on that funny round couch and wake up with a crick in her neck. Angel had Gunn go buy the biggest, softest couch he could find. The delivery men parked it right in the middle of the lobby at Angel's instruction. It became known as Buffy's couch because she spent most of her time curled up on it amid blankets and pillows.
Wes, Giles and Willow spent all their spare time researching. There were piles upon piles of books in the lobby. There wasn't a lot of information on visions and the effects they had on humans and what there was wasn't hopeful. They kept looking. Wes was convinced that there had to be a way to save Buffy. In the mean time, she got weaker. She forgot things, events and one day she forgot Giles' name. She stumbled up the stairs and locked herself in the bedroom.
Angel stood outside the door for a little while, pleading with her to let him in. Finally he twisted the door latch and popped the lock. He went in quietly, shutting the door behind him. Buffy looked up at him from the bed with red swollen eyes.
"One of these days I'll forget your name." She said.
Tears rushed to his eyes. "Then I'll remind you." He walked to the bed and set down on the edge. Buffy had a yellow legal pad on her lap.
"Will you be my witness?" She asked.
"For what?" He said.
She gestured to the legal pad. "My will, I need to write it before I forget everything or you know, die."
"Buffy, you're not-"Angel started.
She held a hand up, palm out. "Angel, I know I'm dying. I can feel it. Besides, I've seen the CAT scans. The doctor doesn't know how my brain is even functioning with all the dead tissue that shows up. Please, I don't want to leave you. Don't make it harder then it has to be." Tears glistened in her eyes.
Angel nodded. He couldn't make the words come so he just nodded.
"Okay, so I'm leaving the house to Dawn. I'm going to see if Giles will be her guardian. I think if I leave it in my will, the court will respect it. She'll be eighteen in another year anyway. I'll leave the car to Dawn also, even though it scares me to think of her driving. She's as good with cars as I was at her age. The rest of my stuff is yours. It's mostly just stuff, but there's Mr. Gordo and I know you and he have something special together and my diaries, after you read them if you'd let Giles go through them for anything that will help the Council and the other slayers..." Buffy trailed off. She looked up at Angel and the tears that she'd been holding back burst forth. "Can you just hold me, please."
Angel wrapped his arms around her, drawing her into himself and laid down. She cried into his chest and his tears dripped into her hair. It was finally beginning to sink in that he was going to have to figure out life without his beautiful girl in it.