"It's not my fault that these are the problems I've been put on this earth to deal with, right? They're petty, they piss me off, and they're all mine."—Jessica Darling, Sloppy Firsts, pg. 181
Paige tells me to stop moping and to stop being such a bitch. She tells me that I need to get some perspective. She says that if I keep this up, I'm going to become bitter.
I'm not bitter.
Life was so simple before grade eight, you know? Things get complicated near the end of junior high. Grade eight was a tip of the iceberg. Breaking up with Jimmy, the E incident, Paige, Hazel, and Terri shunning me… that was nothing. Piece of cake. If I could go through that again, I'd be fine.
I'm not bitter.
I'm not mad at Paige and everyone for treating me like a leper for most of grade nine. Really, I'm not. I had it coming. I wouldn't have done some soul searching that year if it hadn't been for that; I wouldn't have met Ellie if it hadn't been for that. I'm over it. I wasn't bitter about it then because I kind of understood. That was nothing.
I'm not bitter.
I'm glad Jimmy isn't mad at me anymore. I'm glad that even though we broke up because of misunderstanding, got back together, and broke up again because he thought that somewhere underneath that pixie cut, attempted Goth girl façade I had then that I was still perky little Ashley, the girl he'd loved for forever—and I wasn't—that he still cares. God bless Jimmy Brooks for being great, for smiling at me in the halls, for not mentioning anything that's happened. The drama of my relationship with Jimmy is miniscule compared to this year.
I'm not bitter.
Maybe I am a control freak. Maybe I'm a tease. Maybe I'm an antagonistic bitch. Toby called me that once. It was when I was still going out with Jimmy because I felt sorry for him. Maybe this is my fault.
Why am I blaming myself? It's their fault.
I loved Craig. I actually once considered Manny a friend. How could they? How dare they?
I've gotten screwed over a bit the past three years. My friends abandoned me. My ex-boyfriend called me a slut. People talked all kinds of shit about me. The boy I thought I loved slept with another girl.
I know that there are people with bigger problems than mine in this world. People starve every day. Kids in third world countries starve. Far more horrible things happen in this world, and here I am, being an unselfish brat. But I can't help it. These are MY problems.
I'm not bitter, I'm not bitter. No, I'm not bitter.
Who am I kidding? Of course I am.