Chapter 2

Now feeling sufficiently enlightened, and not a little queazy, Zim hung up the phone. 

Perfect.  Absolutely perfect.  It was a shame he hadn't acquired this knowledge until now – he'd have had earth under his thumb ages ago.  But it couldn't be helped – the custom of forbidding the information to children until they'd reached a certain age was probably a wise one.  One could only imagine what could be done with this power in the hands of the wrong person. 

It was so simple.  All he needed to do to enslave a human was to have sex with it. 

True, the procedure was a bit. . .distasteful.  Zim leafed through the notes he'd taken from his 'consultant.'  Irkens didn't have sex, so of course he didn't have the human appendages she'd described so luridly – or at least not a male appendage, though a quick check of the biological charts on his computer confirmed that he did have an entrance in the right place that would be serviceable as a female part.  Once he had a big enough cadre of human slaves at his command, he could use them to conquer the rest of earth through some other means.  

And who?  Who would he like to have at his very first human lapdog, to humiliate and torture as he chose? 

Zim's smile turned to a toothy grin, and soon his maniacal laughter could be heard echoing through the neighborhood. Across town, at the same moment, Spuddy shivered and clutched his teddy bear closer in the night, wetting it with his tears.

*******

Dib was woken up very suddenly when his sheets and then his pajama bottoms were torn off of him, leaving him exposed and undefended against Zim's rude fumbling. 

Screaming, Dib threw Zim halfway across the room with the strength of a person in mortal peril.  Zim rose up on his spider legs and tried again to bear down on him, but Dib grabbed his bedside lamp and, swinging it wildly, was able to keep Zim a few feet at bay.

"Daaad!!!  Gaaaz!!!!  Rape! – I mean – Fire!!!!  I mean - SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!"

            Zim grinned.  "It's no use, Dib.  Your father's staying the night at his lab, and I've sent Gir to dispatch with your sister."

            "What have you done to her, Zim?  Gaaaz!  Gaaaaz!!"

            *****

"Gaaaaz!!"

Burrowed in a glowing tent under her covers, Gaz glanced up from her GameSlave™ to Gir, who was seated across from her.  He'd removed the head of his doggie suit, and was using the flashlight glow of his eyes to read one of her Piggy Vampire Slayer comics. 

            "Is Zim doing something to my brother?" she asked, without the faintest hint of concern. 

            Gir turned a page nonchalantly.  "Nooooo."

            Gaz paused her game for a moment to do some thumb stretches.

            "Is it something horrible?"

            Gir turned the comic to read it upside down.

            "Yessss."

            Gaz finished her thumb exercises and resumed her game, the faintest flicker of a smile crossing her face.

            *****

            Making one last rush, Zim plucked the lamp from Dib's hands and flung it away.

            "It's just you and me, Dib."

            Dib threw everything within grabbing distance, but Zim dodged it all, and he found himself helplessly being backed into a corner – the one furthest from the door.  Finally, Zim dropped back to floor level and used his mechanical legs instead to draw Dib into a crushing embrace. 

            Dib squirmed and twisted wildly in an effort to free himself, but it was useless.  Zim walked them both to the bed and began to shred Dib's pajamas in preparation for what Dib assumed were the unspeakable acts he was about to perform.

            "No, wait!  Zim!  What are you doing?  In the name of all that's meaty, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?" 

            Zim loosened Dib enough to look him face to face. 

            "I thought that was obvious, stink-monkey."  Zim leaned over to lick Dib's ear, and even though they both shuddered, Zim recovered quickly enough.  "I thought making sex was one of you earthenoids' favourite sports." 

            Zim leaned in for another lick.

            "WAAIT!! WAAAIT!!!  You can't. . .you can't just. . ."  Panicked, Dib tried desperately to think quickly.  "You. . .you're doing it all wrong!"

            Loosing the embrace again just a bit, Zim leaned up. 

            "What?  Is this not the way that humans make sex?  We're on a bed, and the clothes are almost off.  Ah - you must be impatient for the wiggling part.  Very well."  Zim began to rub his body against Dib's own, causing the bed to rock ever so slightly.

            "Nooooo!!!" Dib cried, "I mean – no!  You have to. . .wait!  We can't just. . .make sex.  Don't you know anything, Zim?  We have to. . .have dinner first, at least.  And see a movie."

            "I've had dinner already.  And I saw a movie last week."

            "Together, I mean.  And we have to. . .hug first, and hold hands and all that. . .stuff in the video."  Zim loosened his grip ever so slightly, so Dib went on.  "Trust me, Zim, I'm a human I should know that this isn't the way that humans do this kind of thing."

            Zim stared at Dib for a moment, thinking.  Dib tried not to appear as desperate as he was. 

His decision made, Zim flung Dib towards the bedroom door. 

            "Fine.  There's still time to go to a late-at-night movie place.  And there are lots of greasefood-pits still open."

            Struggling to keep his shredded pajamas on, Dib stumbled and crawled his way out the door and through towards the stairs.  Zim followed at ever step, shoving and prodding mercilessly.  Finally, Dib got up and shoved Zim back.

            "Would you just hold on!  You obviously don't know what you're doing, so just listen before you really mess this up!"

            The two stared each other down, Dib panting and frightened, Zim annoyed and indignant.  Dib didn't know why Zim was suddenly so eager to wiggle around on the bed with him – franky he didn't care.  If he could only buy some time he was sure he could think of a way out of this.  When it seemed that Zim wasn't going to make the next move, Dib spoke. 

            "If we're going to do this, we need to do it properly.  That means we need some time to get ready – at the very least a day."  Dib wiped the sweat from his brow and tried to gather as much dignity as the scraps of his clothing would allow.  "Tomorrow night, 6-ish.  We meet for dinner.  Not fast food – someplace nice.  Chez Petey's, maybe.  Then we go out for a movie – it doesn't matter which. . ."

            "Why not?"  Zim demanded.

            "Why not what?"

            "Why does it matter where we go to eat but not where we go for a movie?"

            "Look, that's just the way it is, Zim," Dib snapped peevishly.  "After the movie we come back here and. . .do it.  We'll just have to be quiet - Dad will be down in his lab, if he's here at all, but Gaz will probably still be up playing her Gameslave™."

            Zim crossed his arms.

            "Acceptable.  It is, as you humans say, a deal."  He stuck out his hand, which Dib shook unflinchingly.

            "Actually, it's a date.  But whatever."

Zim pulled out his communicator and ordered Gir around to Dib's window.  Before he leapt out onto the hovering robot henchman, Zim turned from his perch on the windowsill, an unnerving grin spread across his face.

"One more thing, Dib.  When we shook hands I planted a microscopic poison bomb that's now burrowed it's way deep into your organs.  I fully expect to meet you tomorrow at Chez Petey's to have it deactivated, or you will face the poisoney consequences.  Mwahahahahahahahaaaa."

Zim's laughter faded into the night as he rode away on his plushie dog. 

Dib watched the exhaust trail dissipate.  Then he too smiled.  He had a plan.  For now, though, he was in dire need of a shower…