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Vogons and the Galactic Civil Service
Preface:
These notes were originally commissioned by the Galactic Civil Service Reform Society (GCSRS) and were primarily intended for those members of the Galactic Civil Service (GCS) of non-Vogon origin. Nevertheless, members of the general public, and organisations outside of official government bodies, may also benefit, the anonymous author believes, from a better overview of the origins, physiognomy, characteristics and culture (such as it is), of the Vogon race. Indeed, it was felt at the time of writing that Vogons had so permeated the GCS that few, if any individuals, enjoyed a life free from the insidious impact of Vogonity. The vitriolic tone of the original essay has been retained, by and large, as the timbre of the piece is unlikely to offend right-minded individuals, and the Vogons themselves are unlikely to take any notice.
Vogons:
The individuals comprising the species, Vogon Vogonblurtus, are typically large, heavy, and dark green. A Vogon's voluminous, thick, rubbery skin appears to be several sizes too large for the considerable bulk within, as if the individual has been on a diet (unlikely) and forgot to tell his epidermis. In short, Vogons are as ugly as sin, and would give the Bugblatter Beast of Traal a run for its money. This despite the fact that they tend to go in for a great deal of cosmetic and corrective surgery. Unfortunately, their sluggish brains cannot grasp the concept of aestheticism, and most of the surgery undertaken is to remove bits of their bodies no longer needed, rather than to improve their general appearance. Laudable in its own way, but disappointing nonetheless. Other species rely on evolution to do this for them. Unfortunately, for Vogons and all other races coming into contact with them, evolution took one look at the blubbery disarray emerging from the primeval slime of Vogsphere before bolting for the next planet to start over again.
The high-domed nose is positioned above the eyes, presumably because this was how Vogons breathed when they first appeared half submerged on the mud banks of Vogsphere. Another theory postulates that the Vogon nose has simply migrated up the face to get as far away as possible from the foul stench coming from the mouth every time a Vogon exhales.
Vogons originally hailed from the now largely abandoned planet, Vogsphere which circles Vogsol, the sun at the heart of the planetary system. No sooner had they discovered interstellar travel than they abandoned their home world to move en masse to the Megabrantis Cluster.
Some authorities insist that the Vogon race is undoubtedly the beneficiary of extra-vogspherical technology as they are clearly too stupid to have invented anything more mechanical than a mousetrap. On reaching the Megabrantis Cluster they quickly formed the backbone of the Galactic Civil Service, largely by dint of their apparent incomprehension with any part of the phrase, bugger off.
The Galactic Hyperspace Planning Council:
The Galactic Hyperspace Planning Council (GHPC) forms but a part of those areas of public service into which Vogonity has reached, with their fat grasping and unwelcome paws, but a part which gets the Bugblatter's share of the available funding. It is also the most controversial department.
The Council is notorious for the destruction of many outlying planets, to make way for hyperspatial express routes. Strictly speaking this work should no longer be necessary as the discovery of the Infinite Improbability Drive, and the more recent science of Bistromathics, has rendered the old hyperspatial technology redundant, for all but a few diehards, who believe the new interstellar propulsion technologies have yet to prove reliable, or for that matter, affordable. Vogons, however, are slow to change, and continue to blast away at populated worlds with their disintegrator beams.
Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz of the GHPC has stated that this course of action is unavoidable for a number of reasons. Firstly, the amount of paperwork necessary to reverse the process, would require the entire production of the paper mills, of the former forest planet of Arborea, for three local years. Secondly, if the GCS were to change its policies every time a new technology or invention became available, the implications for budgetary planning would be catastrophic, throwing the whole business of Government into disarray. And lastly, but not least, the cost of abandoning the programme would be prohibitively expensive given the investment already made. The biggest single expense from abandoning hyperspatial express routes altogether would be the redeployment of GHPC personnel, and the ships and equipment which make up the Constructor Fleets. It is a difficult problem, Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz concluded, and we can expect, therefore, to see the continued destruction of many outlying planets for some time to come, however regrettable such a course of action may be.
What the Vogon Captain fails to mention, of course, is that the bureaucratic nightmare which prevents change, is a deliberate policy introduced by the Vogons to prevent meddling in their corrupt money-making schemes.
Conversely, the opponents of express routes argue that as hyperspace is completely outside of normal space, and contains exactly nothing whatsoever, then the building of express routes through it is a complete nonsense as there is nothing there to go around, yet alone anything the size of a planet. There is, in short, they argue, no need for hyperspace bypasses as there is nothing to bypass. This argument further advances that Vogons just like blowing things up.
Culture:
A Vogon's favourite food is crabmeat, and in particular, the bejewelled scuttling variety to be found on Vogsphere. On the worlds of the Megabrantis Cluster the crabs are imported from the Vogons ancestral home world in their tens of thousands every year. On arrival the Vogons smash open their scintillating shells with the traditional crude iron mallets which they manufacture for the purpose.
A Vogon has no finesse, and could never be described as a gourmand - not by any stretch of the imagination. An ordinary unadorned crab would do just as well, but Vogons enjoy smashing beautiful things. They eat the finest foods and drink the finest wines from all over the Galaxy, but only because they can afford to. Put a bucket of swill in front of a Vogon and he wouldn't know the difference. The Dentrassis, whom the Vogons employ as in-flight caterers, know this and act accordingly.
Vogons are known throughout the Galaxy for their poetry. Few have heard it, and fewer still are stupid enough to subject themselves to it, but all believe it to be excruciatingly awful. Why do they write it? The most popular explanation is that they do not have the talent to learn to play a musical instrument, for which no doubt the rest of us should be eternally grateful. Some attempts have been made by individual Vogons to splash a bit of paint onto a canvass and call it art, but they soon realised that they weren't fooling anybody, least of all themselves. The advantage that poetry has over other fields of artistic endeavour is that it generally requires no talent whatsoever. A poem is shorter than a novel, and unlike longer works of prose doesn't have to make sense to the reader. For that matter it doesn't have to make any sense to the poet either. He can always claim that the work is self-explanatory and that any further commentary by the author is entirely superfluous. To be fair, Vogons aren't the only race to be found guilty of this particular deception.
Personality:
The personality of the average Vogon can best be described as nonexistent. Vogons are callous, officious, bureaucratic, bad tempered, short tempered, slow witted, stubborn, and like to shout a lot. A Vogon is never really happy unless he is thoroughly miserable. That is not to say that it would be a good idea to give a Vogon something to complain about. He may be grateful for the opportunity to vent his spleen, but he would still seize the chance to do you some mischief of the terminal variety.
They also have a natural affinity with dishonesty which they have turned into an art form, and will readily accept a bribe if offered, and demand one when it is not. Vogons wrote the rule book and then they threw it away.
Vogons, as a race, are irredeemably sexist, and the females are even more sexist than the males. Few have seen the female of the species, and those that have wish they hadn't. Females prefer to be cloistered away, and are only discernibly different from the males in that they are approximately twice the size. The preferred method of reproduction involves as much medical equipment as they can get their hands on, and as great a distance between the involved parties as they can manage. Sexual congress is now a thing of the past for Vogons of any standing, and a major spur to advancement for those who cannot as yet afford the alternative.
Career Preferences:
As a common example of a career plan, the young Vogon entering public administration, will begin his working life in one of the many armed auxiliary divisions of the Vogon Guard Corps, each of which is attached to a particular department of the Galactic Civil Service.
The most popular posting is not, as many intelligent beings might initially suppose, a position with the squadrons of Frogstar Fighters. A common misconception, but an understandable one. It is the purpose of the Frogstar Fighter squadrons to wage wars and generally discharge their weapons at anything remotely suspicious. The problem with the squadrons, from a Vogon perspective – they are a different type of problem for the general populace – is their over-reliance on robots. Scout robots identify targets, and massive flying robotic tanks shoot at the targets, thus leaving little or nothing for the Vogons to do but maintain the robots, and clear up the mess afterwards.
All of this gives little scope for individuals joining the squadrons to go about shouting and bullying – the two most popular pastimes for Vogons. Indeed, many a Vogon guard attached to the squadrons, has retired from the service without ever having taken his stun ray from his low-slung holster, except to clean it. Occasionally, Vogon Guards attached to the squadrons do threaten innocent members of the public, whilst on planet leave, but only to keep their hand in.
The best option for any Vogon, fortunate enough to survive the basic training with the Vogon Guard Academy, is to join the Military Police, where there are ample opportunities to go about poking their ugly noses into other peoples business, and inventing reasons to shout at them. In fact, no other branch of civil administration is so crammed with opportunities for bullying, violence, corruption and shouting. As the competition for places is so fierce, however, the only way a young Vogon can get into the Police Department, in the first place, is by having a natural talent for bullying, violence, corruption and shouting, regardless of additional training received in these subjects, and even then there is no guarantee of success.
Conclusion:
Barely a soul in the more densely populated sectors of the Galaxy has any cause for celebration since the Vogons left their home world. Everyone has a story to tell. If not of their own direct contact with that odious race, then a member of their family or a close friend.
The real question is: How did this situation develop? The answer, according to a policy statement released by the Galactic Civil Service Reform Society at its inaugural meeting, is two-fold. Firstly, the Vogons are a stubborn lot and will never take no for an answer, unless the question happens to be: Do you hate Vogons? Secondly, the Imperial Galactic Government (IGG), nominally the employers of all Vogons working within the GCS, clearly saw the advantages of having large powerful bullies in their employ at a time when widespread civil disobedience was threatening to tear the Galactic Alliance apart.
Conspiracy theorists maintain that it was the IGG itself which supplied the ships to the Vogons, allowing them to leave Vogsphere in the first place. This may or may not be true. But one thing is clear, the Government, apart from the Vogons themselves, is the main beneficiary of the Vogon Diaspora. The IGG would not have been able to maintain its authority without their help.
The Galactic Civil Service Reform Society believes that the best way to reverse the disastrous incursion of Vogonity into the affairs of government is to disseminate information as widely as possible. To this end the Society urges all concerned citizens throughout the Galaxy to discuss the issues with their neighbours and work colleagues. The Society also advocates shooting the ugly green bastards on sight.