Yesterday I should of been married. It's an almost laughable consept. Me walking down the ailse in a white dress, happy. I can't imagine it. I often wonder what it would of been liked if we'd stayed together, if we'd never gone to Adam's party, but I can't imagine it. It's safe to say I'm not the same person I was three and a half months ago. I did the usual 'post break up' things. Blew money on new clothes, hacked away my hair and dyed it the most vivid red I could find in a bottle. I took up smoking and spent most of my spare time staring down the neck of a bottle, as if all the alcohol could wash away all the hurt I was feeling. To be honest, I don't like the person it's turning me into. It seemed neither did most other people. People like Jeff who had told myself and others how I was rapidly becoming an alcoholic. He didn't agree with me wanting to leave and he made his perfectly cear during an argument we had. We where standing in the halls of the arena and it started out as a discussion on why Chris thought I was a bitch. It dissolved and became about us. Jeff was the first to lose his temper with me.

"Why are you leaving?" he deamnded angrily. "Why did you try and kill yourself? For attention, or sympathy?"

"You think I wany sympathy for not being good enough for you?" I shot back. "You think I want people to know you found a better model? No, I don't."

"Then why are you leaving?"

And it came to the crunch. It boiled down to the truth, I didn't have to keep it to myself. "Because I don't have a reason to stay!" I roared. "I don't have anyone who loves me and I don't have a best friend anymore. Jesus christ Jeff! I'm sick of watching everything slip through my fingers and not being able to stop it."

He softened slightly. "What do you mean?"

I sighed and shook my head, wishing I hadn't started this conversation. "You wouldn't understand."

"I'm trying!" he shouted and I wondered why he was getting so angry with me. His life was perfect, what had he lost? I could say me, but Jeff hadn't so much lost me as threw me aside. "But you're being defensive!"

"What the hell do you expect? You didn't even consider me in your master plan to get with Claire?"

"I wanted to be with her Brody! I liked her more then you!"

That gave me a stab of cold pain in the heart, my eyes filled up and I looked away from him.

"Do you think that you're going to make everything better by drinking yourself to death and becoming an alcoholic?"

"That's my life! Not your's Jeff!" I reminded him. "And I'm you're not part of my life anymore1 Remember!"

Funnily enough, he never mentioned it again.

Claire apologised to everyone, except me. At first I was STILL willing to rebuild our friendship. But Claire wasn't. She thought she was right. Claire even went as far to argue with me when I gave Chris all the pictures of us and the letter's she'd written me. I would of burnt them and I knew one day I want to look back on what we had.

"You threw four years of friendship in my face!" Claire screamed."You threw it all away! After all the times I was there for you!"

I laughed. I couldn't help it. If I didn't laugh I was going to kill her and I knew there was no way I would get away with first degree murder with so many witnesses.

"When where you there for me? I"ve needed you so badly over the last six months and I couldn't find you!"

"Because you went off with Jeff!"

"So you had to do the same?" I demanded so loud that people around us stopped to stare.

"I love him!"

"You don't know what love is!"

"Oh, and you do?"

"You never gave me the chance to find out!"

That wasn't true. But it sounded good. I walked away then, with Claire shouting after me I had to because I had a guilty consious. What did I have to be so guilty about? What had I done? Was Claire the one with a broken heart? Didn't think so.