a/n: after a mix of being inspired by all the writers here and my need for more furuba… i've finally decided to post a story! ^^ (haha… after making probably a hundred comments as babyblu XP)… basically a tangent story following the end of vol15 (except vol14… which I only got recently ^^)… I tend to do multiple flashblacks… (ummm… sometimes within each other… -.-;;) but if u notice a text change or brackets… assume it's a flashback! (unless its stated otherwise… for instance, 1st set of italicized lines make reference to the note she has in her hand) am I confusing? hehe
disclaimer: determined to own all of furuba one day! (haha… aka buy all the manga when it comes out XP) so far… ch89 has been the latest release… ;_; waiting desperately for a *ahemz* plot twister between yuki/tohru/kyou… hehe, anyways! On to the story…
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---one---
abyss
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with hands outstretched…
before fading away…
futile attempts…
to kiss the sky…
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************
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It'll be alright if you forgot the things I said…
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Tohru ran blindly past dark trees, breath coming out in harsh gasps. She clenched the note he had left her tightly in her right hand.
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It must have been a burden Honda-san… gomen…
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"Let me make it on time, onegai" she whispered desperately as tears threatened to fall. Although there were no clouds, slowly, it had begun to rain.
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If only one thing…
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In the distance she could make out the vague outline of Shigure's house, rising slightly above the trees. So close, it was so close.
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Please… remember me.
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The sun fell with a steady pace to somewhere unknown, hidden behind the house. It was too late. Deep within, she already knew. Her knees gave way as the unlighted house came into view. There was no one there.
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"Yuki-kun…" Tohru murmured as she turned towards the darkening sky. Her tears flowed unrestrained, fading into the falling rain.
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Honda-san…
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goodbye…
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***************
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"Yuki… you'll catch cold if you stay there…"
With his arm extended, Yuki sat silently, his right shoulder leaning against the threshold of the door.
"It's alright… Haru," he responded passively, eyes never leaving his upturned hand. "You should go… if Akito were to find out you were here…" Yuki trailed off. Although reluctant to leave, Haru knew that Yuki needed some time alone. Taking a blanket from the closet, he wordlessly draped it around Yuki's shoulders. Then, taking one last glance, he turned and exited the room.
Yuki vaguely heard the sound of Haru's retreating footsteps from a distant part of his consciousness. Expressionlessly, he continued to watch as the raindrops fell, seemingly from darkness onto his outreached hand, only to slide between his fingers and disappear again. There was no purpose in closing his hand to stop the rain from falling. For no matter what he did, he knew that he would never be able to grasp something that was not meant for him to keep.
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"Honda-san…"
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An early summer breeze blew, surrounding him with warmth. No one could have predicted it would rain later that day.
Tohru looked up from amidst her tears and found worried gray eyes gazing softly at her.
"Eh?! Yuki-kun! I wasn't expecting you to come up here!" she responded in surprise.
She had been crying. All alone on the roof of the school, Tohru was crying.
"Honda-san…" he whispered against the strong wind. Her tears had been hastily wiped away, but the sadness within her eyes remained.
"Ah, … ano, it-it's just that graduating made me so happy, I cried," she quickly explained. "Okaasan always wanted me to graduate from high school, so I feel like I've finally achieved her dream."
"It's alright, Honda-san… to say that you miss him…" Yuki said quietly as he took a seat next to her on the hard concrete. It had already been three days since school ended, two since Kyou had been locked away, and today… today… He didn't want to think about it just yet. If only for a moment, here together with Tohru… Although he knew it would hurt, she needed someone right now.
"Ah, it's just that… I-I don't want Kyou-kun to have to suffer like that… Kyou-kun must be so lonely…" Yuki averted his gaze at her words.
It was more than she let on. Yuki knew that her feelings for Kyou were much stronger. As he thought of this, something deep within him inexorably shattered.
"Soon… I promise, I'll bring him back to you." It didn't matter what he had to do. He would give anything as long as Honda-san wouldn't cry anymore…
Tohru turned suddenly at his words. "But Yuki-kun… what about you? What if Akito-san… what if…" you never come back from there…
"It'll be alright, Honda-san," He smiled gently to assure her. "There's no need for you to worry unnecessarily."
"It's not unnecessary, Yuki-kun!" Her sudden outburst caused him to turn towards her stunned. "Yuki-kun… Yuki-kun's important as well…"
"Honda-san…" he paused, contemplating what he could possibly say, to someone who meant so much to him. "Thank you…" for everything… "for thinking of me …" for always being so kind to the undeserving me…
"Yuki-kun… how much time… do you have left?" She asked uncertainly, fear etched across her features.
"Not long…" He watched as her face fell and felt a wave of guilt for causing her more pain. "Honda-san… for me, it won't be so bad… the main house had been my home after all. I'll be alright," he reassured her.
"Iie," she whispered softly. "It's much worse, isn't it? Because…" For him… there was no doubt that his greatest fear was… "Akito-san" escaped trembling from her lips. She quickly placed her hands over her mouth, as if to prevent it from reaching Yuki, but could only watch as his eyes widened slightly in response.
"Honda-san…" he whispered softly, after a slight pause. "I'll be alright… it had been lonely before…" the feeling of being abandoned and hated by all… his family… his only friends… even the one they called an outsider… amidst the snow the first time they met, his eyes burned with hatred…
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{You...
I won't forgive you...
I will never forgive you...
Everything's the mouse's fault
Because of you
Because you exist, everything...
Everything'd be fine
If you were gone from this world!!}
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Always… the hated mouse… an unwanted and worthless person…
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{You are my toy…
you're mother gave you to me…
you were essentially abandoned…}
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"I ended up doubting myself… feeling that I wasn't someone who deserved to be wanted" unable to escape who I was… "It was then that I realized, deep inside… Akito had become a part of me. With anything I do, I can hear his voice," whispering so softly in the dark recesses of my mind. "Although it's difficult, but I know I can always move forward… because you are here now, supporting me unconditionally…" never faltering to reach out your hand to my worthless self.
"I'll be okay, because I know you're close by…" even if you are forever out of reach…
"Yuki-kun…"
Before either realized it, they fell into a comforting silence. The sun bathed them in soothing warmth, providing a gentle peace before the incoming storm.
Yuki watched as the sun continued its inevitable fall, then turning gently towards the now sleeping Tohru, brushed away a few strands of light brown hair that had fallen over her eyes. She looked like an angel at that moment, with the sun illuminating her soft features. In a sense, she was… for without realizing it… she had saved him from the darkness so many times…
Careful not to wake her, Yuki bent over and allowed his lips to momentarily brush over her forehead. A single tear fell from his eyes and landed gently on her cheek. As the tear slid down her face, it almost seemed as if she were crying with him. Gently, he placed a note beside her. His eyes lingered on her face, unwilling to leave her side although he knew his time was up. With a final goodbye, Yuki turned and walked away.
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"Goodbye… Honda-san."
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************
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"Sohma-sama… I've brought you you're breakfast."
Yuki's eyes slowly blinked open and focused on the retreating form of the maid. Without realizing it, he had fallen asleep leaning against the doorframe. Pushing himself off from the hard floor, he took in his dripping hair and robe. Had it rained harder while he slept?
Yuki coughed slightly as he made his way to his dresser.
"I should have been more careful not to get sick," he murmured to himself as he began changing into a deep blue robe. "Honda-san always worries too much when the people around her get sick…" His words suddenly faded. It was odd how he still thought of her as being close by, when they were now in separate worlds.
With a somber smile, he pulled his arm through the wide sleeve and tied the front close.
"Yuki-sama, Akito-sama requests your presence," announced a second maid through the shouji. Yuki's eyes grew wide momentarily, before glazing over into a dull shade of acceptance.
"Hai," he replied before sliding open the door and following the servant out.
Silently, Yuki allowed the maid to lead him through familiar passageways, past gardens of memories, towards the dim room where he first met Akito.
"Akito-sama, Yuki-sama has arrived," she announced through the closed door.
"It's been a while," replied the same chilling voice that had always haunted Yuki's nightmares. "let him in."
The door slid open and God sat before them, surrounded by pools of dark red silk.
"I've missed you… Yuki," Akito said, slowly approaching Yuki with arms outstretched. Yuki stood immobilized as Akito gently wrapped his arms around him. He tried desperately to maintain the façade, but as he coughed slightly, a tremble inadvertently escaped.
Akito smiled deceptively as he felt the smaller figure in his arms quiver. Yuki had always been so weak… so breakable. Pulling apart, he watched as Yuki lowered his eyes, his futile attempts to stay strong.
"Tell me Yuki, did you miss me?" He whispered, fingers trailing gently down Yuki's pale face as Yuki continued to stare silently at the floor between them.
"Why won't you answer me, Yuki? I've missed hearing the sound of your frightened voice…" Akito's slender fingers moved downward, gently tracing the contours of Yuki's face down to the chin. There, he paused before unexpectedly pulling Yuki's chin forcefully upward. "It would be unwise not to speak to me…"
"Akito… let Kyou go…"
Surprised by Yuki's request, Akito pulled his arm back. "What is this all of a sudden? So it is true then… you even seek acceptance from that monster…"
"I-it's not that," Yuki replied in defense.
"Don't lie… I remember that hopeful expression of yours whenever anyone would speak of that cursed neko… the possibility of there being someone as pitiful as you… how pathetic…"
Yuki looked up suddenly with wide eyes. "H-how?"
"You think there could be anything the mouse does" Akito paused, savoring the petrified eyes he found before him, "that God doesn't know about?"
Yuki's eyes fell to the floor again, whispering silently to himself that it was impossible… repeatedly, holding desperately onto the idea that a separate self apart from Akito existed.
"Do you still seek his acceptance? To erase the pain your existence caused him with one good deed…"
It existed, he was sure. Deep within, although he knew he had no power to rebel against Akito, his own voice surely did exist.
"IT'S NOT!" Yuki responded defiantly. "It's not for him at all…"
Akito stared at the now silent figure before him, preparing to hit him for his insolence. However, as he was about to raise his hand, a realization occurred to him, causing his eyes to widen.
"Unless it's for that idiotic girl…" Yuki's eyes shifted away at his statement. "Are you doing this for her?? Has she fallen for the monster?!?"
Akito suddenly broke out in harsh laughter. "What a perfect match… two monsters…" Yuki stared at the floor without responding. Akito's laughter continued on maliciously, seemingly unending. When Akito's laughter finally subsided, Yuki watched him lean in closer, closing the gap between the two.
"You truly are an ugly person, Yuki." He whispered softly. "Is that why that idiotic girl chose the monstrous cat over you?"
Akito's hand gently stroked through Yuki's silver hair.
"No… that's not it is it?" Akito continued. "You probably haven't told her yet have you? Shown her your true weak and ugly self… you never told her about your past, how hated you were… how lonely you are now… because then you would truly become undependable to her… proving that you have nothing to offer her…" then softly, Akito whispered into Yuki's ear a single word, shattering him. "Useless…"
A shadow of resignation appeared in Yuki's gray eyes, causing a smile of satisfaction to appear on Akito's face.
"She couldn't love you, even though you only showed her a partial image of yourself…" Akito whispered venomously. "If you had completely let her in to your dark world… she would have hated you for it…"
Yuki realized with increasing clarity the truth of his words. Tohru would be sad if she ever found out, pulled alongside himself in this endless abyss of darkness.
Yuki opened his mouth slightly, as if to speak, but quickly covered it as a series of violent coughs wracked his body.
Immediately, Akito brought both hands up to his ears, attempting to block out the noise. "Stop it! That annoying coughing!"
No matter what Yuki tried, he couldn't suppress the coughing or that familiar constriction he now felt in his chest.
"I SAID STOP IT!" Akito screamed as he raised his right arm, striking out at Yuki harshly with the back of his hand.
Yuki saw the hand coming at him through blurry eyes, but his body refused to move. The hand hit him full on causing him to hit the back wall before falling onto his side, struggling to breathe through the incessant coughing.
"ALWAYS WITH THAT ANNOYING COUGH!" yelled Akito, pulling at his hair in annoyance. "HATORI! WHERE IS HATORI?!"
"Here," replied a calm voice, followed by a series of approaching footsteps from down the hall.
"HATORI! YOU SAID HIS COUGHING WOULD BE GONE BY THE TIME HE REACHED THIS AGE!!"
Hatori, maintaining his composure throughout, answered calmly. "It was, but I have reason to believe that Yuki is currently ill."
"Take him and fix him then!" Akito stormed, hands never leaving his ears.
"Hai," replied Hatori as he made his way over to the fallen figure.
Hatori gently supported him up, slinging one of Yuki's arms around his shoulders when he saw the mouse waver.
Yuki was vaguely aware of Hatori's supporting arm amidst the chaos of his mind. The coughing had stopped, but the pain that came with each trembling breath refused to subside. It wasn't long before the corners of his vision dimmed. Only one image of light remained before he was overcome by that all too familiar darkness once again.
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Honda-san…
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words for thought:
ano - umm
gomen – sorry
hai – yes/ok
iie - no
okaasan - mother
onegai – please
shouji – paper partitions used in Japanese-style doors
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a/n: yayz! Thnx for reading… gomen tho… kyou didn't appear in this chapter yet… not much of tohru either… but the next chapter should introduce kyou and include more tohru… hmmz… possibly some kyouru… not sure yet ^^;;;… haha i rilli am a yukiru fan but i am no longer certain of what the conclusion of this story will be ^^;;… gomen… even i am uncertain of who tohru will choose yet since it's not that I dislike kyou… please review if u liked this ^^