GUILTY GEAR
The Wedding Night
The Series
Conceived and Written by: Sheo Darren
Unfortunately, the previous weeks saw Sheo lose a lot of sleep. Beware.
Rated PG for some violence, inanity, confusion, multiple anime crossovers, commentary, author's self-inserts, dragging the good names and stories of other unsuspecting writers into the mess, advertisement of author's other stories, etc, etc.
Coupling: Ky Kiske and Dizzy.
Sheo Darren does not own Guilty Gear and all the stuff he's ripping off. He'd like to have Kirika Yuumura and Rei Ayanami and Tessa Testarossa as his girlfriends, though.
"Ah, Kirika-kun, Rei-sama, Tessa-chan…"
The Wedding Night Series
Arc One
Loveshorn Knight and Angel Wings
Episode 1: An Unabashedly Bashful Bashing of Ky Kiske
Ky Kiske –former leader of the Order of Holy Knights, bearer of the Thunderseal and local conservative prude– was not having a good day today. First off, he had been expelled from the police force in a most illogical and incredible development.
(Please see Blackheart ZERO's The Incredibly Zany Guilty Gear Story: Chapter 11. Some of the following text is lifted directly from the said fan fiction; burn Sheo on the stake for being a parasitical cut & paste scoundrel.)
The scene suddenly cuts to an eighteen year old Filipino high school youth wearing glasses and quietly typing on the computer: The newly infamous Sheo Darren himself. He gives the audience a long look.
"I resent that implication."
Suddenly another person appeared. This guy was older than Sheo and was dressed in a cool all-black pirate costume with skull-and-crossbones mark and all, sans parrot and eye patch: The even more infamous Blackheart ZERO!
"I told you to fear the ZERO Punch! Apparently your folly must be realized unto you! Now: Prepare to be served!"
"Excuse me for a moment…"
Anyway… back to the plagiarized story…
Despite author foibles, Ky could not accept his circumstances. Was it his fault if he had mistakenly but innocently answered a vague question/pun as how he translated it? How dare they accuse him of being uncultured in cinematography!
(Flashback)
Police Officer: Say, have you seen 'Jacob's Ladder'?
Ky: Why, did he lose it?
And was he not absolutely empowered by law to dispose justice as he deemed it fit? And what was this about incorrect translation? Spelling, man; spelling and diction and definition! Gender, too!
(Flashback again)
Captain Action: 2. You can't burn someone because you think their a witch!
Ky: For the record, I said he was a 'warlock' or a 'wizard of the evil arts'. Never did I say he was a witch.
And to be the victim of injustice that was racism!
(flashback for a third time)
Captain Action: 3. You're French, and as everyone knows, I am terribly racist.
Ky: By Kliff's beard, not that harping on the French again! That stupid The Wedding Night was too much!
long, silent pause
Ky: Well, at least that last bit wasn't ripped off from Blackheart's story.
Why, it had only been two weeks since that damnable Sheo Darren had come out of nowhere and utterly cast his name and reputation into the mud with that humiliation!
Out of nowhere comes an unharmed and alive Sheo, his presence surprising Ky. "I resent that implication."
"Still alive? Whatever happened to Blackheart?"
"Somewhere pleasant; I am a softie, after all."
The scene cuts to show Blackheart suddenly in Canada and inside a very surprised but cutely cute Athena Asamiya's room.
"Blackheart ZERO?! What are you doing here?"
"…This ain't half bad…"
But enough shameless quoting from other people's works of fan fiction! Ky had many more problems to heap upon himself. For example, he was a handsome young man of only 25 years and very much eligible. Unlike a certain fellow GG fighter who crosses-dresses and those Sayuki people, and despite the repeated beliefs of numerous fan girls and official art work suggesting that he and Sol were gay, Ky was also manly.
Which is why strolling down a street while there are half a dozen bored hookers hanging out on the sidewalks is a bad idea in his case.
"Well, hello, pretty boy. Got something to do?"
Mon Dieu…
Swearing under his breath and not wishing to get mixed up with such company, Ky tried to fend off the advances of these amorous women as best as he could. Unfortunately, the hookers outnumbered him and by virtue –or vice– their 'assets' and 'charm' were starting to eat away at his dignity and resolve. Ky could have used Thunderseal or invoked his power as a police officer, but it's hard to think when there are two pairs of size D, a triple C and three Es, plus a whole lovely set of legs to boot, are catching your attention.
Fortunately, someone came along to our hapless knight's rescue.
Unfortunately, it was the lesser of two evils in his life.
"CRANBERRY!"
Her high-pitched shriek shattering glass for miles away, Jam Cranberry skidded to a stop. "Ky!" Jam's eyes were heart-shaped and droopy as she looked at her object of adoration, but when she glared at the hookers her eyes burned hell fire. "Leave him alone, you grandmothers!"
What followed next is a short but vicious argument/squabble/cat fight that the author will no longer describe because it is pointless and stupid. Suffice it to say that Jam Ga-Sen-Kotsu'ed the competition to the next continent and took home Ky to tend and feed.
Unfortunately (again) Chinese food and Ky had never really reached an agreement.
"Ky! This… is… your meal…"
"NO! NEVER!"
To quote Geese Howard: "Predictable."
So, today, a very pale and weakly Ky shuffles down the empty street and happened to glance at a pair of youngsters at the fountain: A slightly familiar-looking boy dressed in blue and white, and a even more familiar-looking girl in red. They were very cute and looked only sixteen or fifteen and seemed to be boyfriend and girlfriend.
They also happened to be passionately making out with each other on a bench in a public place.
That blatant but very loving display of affection somehow grated on Ky. He stomped over to the two kids and cleared his throat diplomatically.
They didn't pay him any attention. They just kept on hugging and kissing each other.
Annoyed even more, Ky raised his voice. "Ahem? Excuse me? But don't you notice someone is standing in front of you and is not very happy with what you're doing at such a place and time and age?"
The loving couple still didn't pay him any attention.
"Do you have no shame at all? You are mere children and yet you act like you are– you are–"
The girl's right hand stopped ruffling the boy's hair long enough to flick Ky a dirty finger. Then they went on making out.
The knight blinked in shock at the obscene hand sign he had been flashed just a moment ago. It took a few more seconds for his brain to register that.
"YOU LITTLE–"
It should be said that Ky tried to make a grab for the girl. That is, 'tried' is the operative word: Before his hands could even get within half a foot of her, a Pacific bottlenose dolphin came out of nowhere and rammed Ky in the guts with the force of a rocket.
"Oof!"
If that weren't enough, the dolphin was followed by a giant teddy bear, a massive black-and-white killer whale, an even more humongous pink whale, about a dozen or so pirate girls, one big red mech, a cat and the old fat cook.
"Please insert French exclamations of pain here, Sheo being unfamiliar with the language!"
Everything went black.
"Is he still alive?"
"What a stupid way to end the first segment."
"I heard that."
When Ky regained consciousness, he felt quite a bit flat. There were two faces looking at him from above: The girl and the boy from earlier.
"Oh." The girl smirked at him. "It's the cop."
"That's disrespectful, May," scolded her companion. "He's an officer of the law and with rank. We should respect his person."
"And you using your Overdrive move on him were the height of gentility? Bridget, I bow down to your great reasoning."
"Both your whales are bigger than Roger by 10 times. And you added an Instant Kill Move, too. You figure."
May? The name clicked in Ky's mind. "You're the– the Jellyfish– pirate…"
"Actually," corrected May, "The Jellyfish Pirate is Johnny."
Wincing, Ky tried to stand up. His body did not respond to his mental commands.
"Oh, you'll be numb for about a couple more hours," May's blonde boyfriend said. "That was two whales, a dolphin, a grizzly bear and her whole posse, after all."
His voice seemed familiar but Ky could not place his face. "Who are you?"
The boy grinned. "I'm Bridget."
Ky stared at him for a long moment. Then the Frenchman shot up to his feet and half a dozen feet away from the boy.
"Back up so quickly?" May was impressed.
Bridget grinned sneakily. "Gets them every time."
"You're not Bridget!" Ky's finger stabbed at the direction of the grinning kids. "You don't look like her– err, him!"
Indeed. Though his clothes still followed the old blue-white color configuration and giant handcuff, Bridget was decked up in cool and manly gear. In fact, he now looked like a real boy, with his short hair cut a la Quatre Winner–
"Hey, Sheo!" Bridget protested to seemingly thin air. "Couldn't you give me a better hairstyle?"
A voice from above answered him. "Sorry, Bridget-kun. But PLAPLAMAN and S.T. say that if you get your hair cut, you'd look exactly like Quatre. Besides, the girls dig your new hairdo and looks."
To prove that point, a group of girls randomly passing them by giggled and waved at Bridget, who blushed and waved back. Aside, May pouted jealously, fastening herself on her boyfriend's arm to get his attention.
"And just what are you looking at, Mr. Bridget?"
"But, May, I was just saying hi…"
"Right. Well, why don't you say 'hi' to me?"
"Uh–hi, May?"
Seeing Bridget all manly and the object of adoration of girls, Ky became… envious. Well, who wouldn't be?
But more importantly, Ky realized something was wrong with him. He realized he was empty inside. All his hard work as a Holy Knight and a police officer were nothing; all his accomplishments and endeavors meant nothing.
Ky Kiske was a nothing.
(But we all knew that already, didn't we?)
Bridget and May were startled by Ky's sudden scream. They watched the poor man run down the street, sobbing all the way.
"Now what did you tell that poor man?"
"Me? I'm not the one who looks like Quatre Winner."
"Stop calling me that."
The first opening theme of Gundam Wing –Just Communication– began to play very loudly.
Nothing stopped Ky from his escape. Not even passing Venom, Eddie and the surviving Assassin Guildsmen –all wanted and dangerous criminals– attacking Millia and causing huge damage to the surroundings stopped him.
Not even Zappa and his ghosts causing mayhem down Fourth Avenue: Disturbance of public peace and holding an event without the required permit, both major breaches of the law.
Not even his worst archnemesis and the person he hated the most in the entire world standing there in the shade of a tree, peacefully having a Marlboro and not giving a damn about the world and God, could–
Wait a minute!
Ky skidded to a stop and turned around.
"SOL!"'
Sol Badguy –bounty hunter, Guilty Gear and all-around American bad guy– lifted his head to glance at the angry Frenchman in front of him. He smirked nastily through the smoke of his cigarette. Well, if it isn't the boy, he thought, not shifting his posture at all.
Ky, meanwhile, was ranting again about justice, how he and Sol were now truly enemies, how the latter should return the Fuenken he stole or else suffer the lawful consequences, and a challenge to stand up and fight.
With a long puff on his Marlboro, Sol straightened up. Ky got into his battle pose and prepared for a fight.
To his surprise, Sol very reluctantly turned around and began to walk away.
"Hey! Don't turn your back on me!"
Still Sol walked away.
Ky chased after him. "Damn it, Sol! Stand up and fight!"
Surprisingly, Sol spared his rival a glance. The Guilty Gear looked very annoyed, even a trifle –unhappy?
"Better get out of here now, Kiske," he muttered, looking around the landscape a bit cautiously. "You wouldn't want to be seen with me, trust me."
Ky's jaw dropped wide at this sort of remark. "Eh? What is this?"
"Go away. Now. Hurry." The gaze took on a slightly frantic edge.
"Explain yourself! I don't have all day to bandy guesswork with you!"
Sol rolled his eyes in exasperation and –despair? "You asked for it."
The cry that resounded from all around, startling Ky and making Sol cringe…
…was from a newly-arrived teenage girl, leanly lithe and buxomly cute, with flowing flame red hair and brightly contrasting cheerful blue eyes and decked up in a very tight-fitting leotard/shirt/short pants plus sneakers, a pair of big weird bracelets and a huge grin.
"SOL-CHAAAAANNNNN!!!!!!!!"
To Ky's unending shock, the girl dropped all the shopping bags she carried –lots of them; women seem to have it in their blood to shop-'til-you-drop– and threw herself onto Sol to glomp him.
"Miss me, Mister Badguy? Huh? I bet you did!"
Rolling his eyes again, Sol half-heartedly tried to unfasten the leech-like girl who was bubbling in delight over him. "Get off me."
"Not until you admit how much you missed me!"
Sol gritted his teeth and kept himself from reaching for Fuenken and inevitably starting a fight in the town that would burn it down to cinders. Not with Ky; with the girl. He didn't fear the Frenchman, and he certainly wasn't afraid of Justine Harrier, but starting a fight with the redhead adventurer/clone of You-Know-You-By-Virtue-Of-Her-Hair-And-Name-And-Moves could possible lead to very adverse circumstances for all bystanders.
Naturally, Sol just hated whatever little conscience his creator and alter ego Frederick had left him.
Instead, he forced himself to mutter: "Yeah, yeah, I missed you," his tone dripping with sarcasm but slightly –truthful?
The girl named Justine grinned. "Aw, I just love you so much, Freddie."
Sol's eyes flashed. "Don't call me that."
"So sorry." No hint of repentance in the girl's smiling face; Justine meant that remark.
Ky had had enough of loving events for the day. "This is all too sweet of you two," he growled at Sol, "But aren't we supposed to fight?"
"Fight?" the girl asked quizzically.
Sol smacked his forehead with his free hand. "Shit. Here we go."
"That man is a criminal who stole an artifact of the United Naions!"
"Oh, you mean Fuenken?" Justine's smile took on more of Sol's smirk. "Freddie's got every right to it: He made it, after all."
That got Ky confused. "Eh
Sol sighed deeply. "Kiske, get out of here. Trust me."
"Hey, Sol-chan! Tell this guy the Fireseal's yours!"
"No."
"Hey, isn't that Thunderseal? You made that, too, right? You should take it back from him!"
Ky had enough of this. "Never mind! I'm arresting the both of you! Come along quietly or I will use force!"
Sol looked very chagrined now and was not bothering to hide it. "Kiske, for the last time–"
"You want a fight?" Justine asked, all doe-like in innocence –but emitting just a tiny fraction of some hidden sort of immense menace.
"YES!" Ky howled. Finally, someone understood him perfectly…
"Your funeral," Sol grimly muttered.
Letting go of her beloved–
There was an abrupt and violent change in scenery, showing an outraged Sol Badguy stomping over to Sheo Darren, the latter typing quietly on his computer. Sol looked positively murderous while Sheo calmly sipped his mug of ice chocolate.
"I am so gonna kick your ass, Sheo!"
"Behave yourself."
There was a torrent of uncouth swearwords that only Americans could dish out so poisonously. "Why did you pair me up with that ditz!"
"This will not be the first time."
"You mean to say there's a serious story behind that twit?"
"To be revealed in good time."
There was yet another torrent of bad language from Sol as he raised Fuenken, obviously intending something violent.
"Behave," quietly scolded Sheo. "Go and drink tea with Koneko-chan and Yumiko-kun like a civilized person.
To Sol's surprise, the Guilty Gear found himself sitting at a table quietly and being very civilized in drinking tea the way the British and Japanese did, while Seras Victoria and Yumiko chatted gaily from across the table as Tomoyo Daidouji served them tea.
"I hate you," glowered Sol.
"The power of the Word," smiled Sheo. "Works like a charm.
"As I was saying…"
Letting go of her beloved, Justine gave Ky an engaging smile. "I seem to remember you from a previous lifetime and fan fiction." She put on a pensive look. "Where have I seen you the last time?"
"Are we going to fight?"
Ignoring him, Justine turned to Sol. "Hey, Sol-chan!"
"Don't call me that."
"Okay, Freddie. What's this guy's name again?"
"My name is Ky," proudly pronounced the knight. "Ky Kiske. Former leader of the Order of Holy Knights, former captain of the UN Police forces, bearer of the Thunderseal and–"
Justine snapped her fingers as the memory clicked inside her mind. "Now I remember you!"
"I do not remember meeting you before."
"I do." Grinning menacingly, Justine suddenly glowed with an evil red aura, floating a few inches over the ground, her long red hair–
Ky started. Red hair? Evil aura? Floating a few inches over the ground?
A raspy and all too familiar voice spoke, a voice dreaded a hundred years and more into the past and even just recently.
It came from Justine.
It also happened to be Justice's voice.
"What is Justice?"
Ky screamed.
Dizzy was going back to the Mayship, her arms laden with groceries and she herself humming a happy tune–
-When she came upon a battered mass of white, blue, and blonde.
Whatever or whoever it was, it or he was still smoking and irradiated from getting hit by a reality progression sword in the form of a halo, a rapid barrage of exploding high-energy laser feathers, a massive blast of concentrated solar-charged gamma particles, and then detonated in 'Gundam last space battle'-style pyrotechnics. Simply put, the person was barely alive.
He also happened to be Ky Kiske.
Pity was one of Dizzy's strong points. "Oh, poor man," she said as she knelt by the unconscious man side. "He's badly hurt."
"An understatement," Lone Wolf SIX said as he passed by.
"Exactly," Hibiki Takane added.
"I'd better bring him somewhere safe." So saying, Dizzy conjured an ice sled pulled by ice reindeer, put Ky in it and trudged home towards the Mayship.
The scene once more cuts back to Sheo, who is still quietly typing his story while looking over his back every now and then. He gives the readers a long look.
"What? I guess that since she can form ice demons and Artic Impalers, Dizzy making an ice sled and ice reindeer is logical. Besides, the Christmas season is coming. Have a heart."
"A cameo appearance?" asked Lone Wolf, who also happened to be there with Hibiki.
"You'll get a better one in the next chapter."
"Why am I with Lone Wolf-san, Sheo-san?" Hibiki curiously posed.
Sheo's spectacles gleamed. "Why do you think?"
Lone Wolf and Hibiki blushed.
Yuuki –known in the previous The Wedding Night as That Girl– is seated in her dark headquarters room, dressed up in black coat and orange-tinted glasses, her white-gloved hands clasped lightly together in front of her. Above her is a very large Sephirothic System painted in red. On her left side is I-Nou, looking very out of character in a white laboratory gown and a blue swimsuit underneath, her hair dyed blonde and eyes framed by spectacles that look so unlike her and an artificial mole below her left eye. On the right side is Raven dressed up in a dark military-like uniform, his hair dyed gray and looking much older than he really is.
"This is so stupid," I-Nou muttered.
"Quiet." That was Raven, none too happy himself.
"What? This swimsuit is far too skimpy for me!"
"And you're complaining about that?"
"It's too small! My wearing it is like The Big O fitting inside the Mother Vanguard!"
"For your information, Daitarn 3 fits inside Mother Vanguard, and Daitarn is bigger than The Big O. And they can fit all those other Super Robots and Real Robots inside, too."
"This is Guilty Gear, not Super Robot Wars! And do I look like Ikari's pillow-mate?"
"This is so unlike you, I-Nou. Where was the overly sensual and flirty woman who liked to flaunt her assets and make up with every man she met?"
"Shut up."
"I bet Millia never got that from you."
"Do you want to keep your two heads, or would you like one to get accidentally lost?"
Yuuki coughed, which silenced her minions. "If you're wondering why this scene is here and why the hell we're ripping off Evangelion, it's because the first chapter is finished and Sheo wants everything wrapped up. But as he is currently busy trying to attend to the needs of his 'harem'–" the word 'harem' pronounced with a slight smile…
"I heard that."
"But you would not obliterate me, would you, almighty author?" Yuuki was almost pleadingly cute. "I'm your greatest creation; the most silly translation of a person hidden in the darkness with only the face and the glasses seen."
"Just get it done with. I'm busy."
"Who is it now, if I may ask?"
"One: It's none of your business. Two: It's not what you think, you closet pervert. Three: It's Kirika and Tessa and Rei."
"Ooh, threesome? You're getting more daring, Sheo."
"Why did I ever implement free will in my creations?" There is a massive disconcerted grumbling from above. "Just get 'Sheo's Notes' done, all right?"
Smiling, Yuuki tipped her glasses and took out a thick ream of paper.
"Well, first things first: Sheo Darren does not own any of the things he's ripped off here."
"I already said that earlier."
"I'm just expanding on that. The quotes so brazenly plagiarized from the first part are from the great Blackheart ZERO's fan fiction The Incredibly Zany Guilty Gear Story, which Sheo advises his readers to read as it is very funny. He stands in perpetual awe of Blackheart ZERO and fears the ZERO punch, though he will not relate how he escaped that attack.
"Next: Lone Wolf SIX is a fellow GG writer dragged into this mess. Sheo wishes his immense thanks and admiration to be conveyed to Lone Wolf, and he hopes he likes his pairing well.
"Third," Yuuki said, nudging her glasses up a bit, "Athena Asamiya is another writer whose good name and identity Sheo had blatantly used. Sheo expresses his immense gratitude to her for having helped unintentionally in technical matters that pertain to the proper publication of his fan fiction in fanfiction.net.
"Basically, Sheo does not own those three people. He admires them and looks up to them –in his own twisted way–"
"Get to the point."
"Listening, huh? Well, Sheo promises more fulfilling and defined roles for you and other writers he may decide to include, such as TRUE Unknown, Kaiser Ryouga II (Sheo also pleads: Please spare May!!!) and Chisaii404.
"In relation to the last mentioned writer, Sheo begs Chisaii404 to forgive him for having misspelled her name, promising to construct many temple pavilions and pyramids in her name as an apology and penance. Silly boy."
"You were saying?"
"Proceeding to the next point, about the author-created character that appears in this story; namely, Justine Harrier. If the readers have not yet identified who she is supposed to be –more precisely, whose clone she's supposed to be– Sheo plans a more serious story to tackle that in detail."
"Good."
"Weren't you doing something with Kirika and Tessa and Rei?"
Silence. Yuuki smiles.
"Finally, Sheo wishes to express his thanks for all the people who actually choose to use their precious time in reading and reviewing his fan fiction, even to those who chose to flame him. He claims he gets such a cuddly feeling inside of him whenever he sees he's got a review in his e-mail bin, and that feeling multiplies like Gremlins in the rain when he reads the e-mail itself. He prays you to send him reviews concerning this chapter and thanks you for your support and admiration."
Stretching her arms out fully, Yuuki yawned. "That's all, folks. Until the next time: Please read and review."
"Wanna play Eternal Fighters Zero?" Raven was asking I-Nou.
In the darkness, a box sits alone. Evil eyes glare evilly out of one side.
"I need more sleep…"