Standard disclaimers apply
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"If you cared about anyone then things would be different. But all you care about is yourself..." Gippal's words resounded in my ears as I woke. They drew another angry sob from my soaking wet body; a short wretched sound that made me cringe.
This wasn't me. I didn't have breakdowns. I wasn't the type of girl who would fall in a ditch and cry. But still... here I was; broke down and crying in a ditch. In my mind, what made matters worse was why I was here... I'd dare say that it was because I had fallen in love with Baralai only to find out he loved Paine...
But could I really say I loved him out loud? Could I actually say those words? And how much could it really mean; honestly, I had only really been on one date with him! I pushed the matter far from my mind. The best course of action for me seems to linger on denial, and to tell the truth, I was getting good at it.
I realized that I was in a patch of mud. Talk about slimy and dirty. My face, clothes, and body were caked with the thick, wet brown dirt. Yuck! Definitely not my idea of a good time! Although, oddly enough the mud matched my mood.
My wrist was starting to bruise where Gippal had grabbed it. I stared at it silently, trying to pick out the purple and black colors from underneath the mud. Sigh I think that the whole situation was finally getting to me, and it wasn't my fault!
Honestly, I'm the victim here! One of Paine's victims, to be precise. She's ruthless and - Er... who the hell am I kidding. I'm as much to blame as the next person. (Although I'm not responsible for actions carried out due to teasing and probing my curiosity.... consider the world warned!)
I got out of the mud and trudged off to find some water. One thing that is almost guaranteed to up a person's self-esteem is being clean. Being spiritually clean is, of course, better than just being clean. By spiritually, I mean having all guilt cleaned away...
"Rikku."
I froze, hearing my name mentioned when I thought I was all alone. I turned slowly, eyes downcast, furiously attempting to rebuild myself in an instant. My eyes, puffy and red from crying, rested on a pair of familiar boots. I knew who was talking to me and his voice had sent little shivers up my mud-caked spine.
It was Baralai. He was gazing at me in concern, face as impassive as it had ever been. There was no hint of the smile and laugher he had shared with me before.
"What'cha up to?" I asked, aiming for bright and careless tones and failing. My voice sounded depressed, (Oh the horror!) and tear-ridden. I felt heat pooling in my eyes and knew that I was about to start crying again.
Baralai shook his head slightly. "I'm on my way to see Gippal," he said in typical serious tones.
"Are you in love with Paine?" Now just so this is understood... I didn't plan on saying anything, it just slipped out like tears that won't be contained. It was like the harder I tried NOT to say anything, the harder in got to keep my words in check. The same thing was true for the salty, hot tears seeping out of my eyes.
Once the words were out I regretted them, but I started getting some success at rebuilding myself. I felt my tears stop - they were pointless now anyway. An odd sort of calm had washed over me; just like - oh screw that, enough comparing my emotions to things. I got calm. That's really all there was to it.
"Sooooo?" I inquired, drawing my voice out in impatience. He wasn't talking and I really wanted to hear his answer and, to tell the truth, his voice.
"I..." Baralai started to say.
"Rikku!" another voice shouted. I heard running feet and felt the soft glimmer of a healing potion washing over me.
It was Gippal. He had bad timing, but seeing the worried look on his face, I couldn't help but forgive him for giving Baralai an excuse not to answer.
"I'm rebuilding," I told him. "Slowly, but surely."
"You shouldn't have to. What I said was out of line," Gippal said sharply. His drawl was gone, he wasn't calm, and he had called me by my first name again.
"Isn't that against the rules?" I asked. "Shouldn't you always have to treat me the same?" I flashback on his brutal assault of my wrist.
"What?" Gippal asked in confusion.
Baralai just stared silently at me; I'm not sure what he was thinking.
I saw understanding flash through the green eye mirroring my own. "Sometimes love makes you say and do stupid things. Yelling at you and hurting you was stupid. You can't help it if you're a little brat."
Yay! Gippal was rebuilding himself! No wait, he just called me a little brat again. I pouted my lips and glared at him.
I had a feeling that if I just held my tongue for once, everything would be fine between me and Gippal. I wanted that, but what was more was the desire to be guilt free.
I gave up - (it does happen) - trying to earn 'respect points'. All I really wanted right now was to get rid of my stupid guilt. "Baralai...?" I called out, drawing his attention towards me.
He nodded his head slightly. "I see that you're starting to feel partially better."
Well, I was, until he had spoken. Then my plans dissolved. I had wanted to just sphere-change to mascot and reveal myself fully to him. Since that wasn't working, I had to come up with a new plan.
"Rikku!"
I finally realized that I was standing in the middle of the road caked in drying mud. Yes, I should have spotted this earlier, but I had still been rebuilding my sense of self. Now it was too late to get clean and I was going to have to suffer. Paine and Yuna were approaching rapidly and it was hard to tell what they were thinking.
"What happened?" Paine asked stiffly, glancing over me and than turning a hostile gaze to Baralai and Gippal. She didn't say anything, but her eyes demanded an answer to her question.
Which question? Why, the one that Yuna asked, of course. "What did you do to Rikku!" Okay, so it was more of a demand.
"It's all my fault!" I exclaimed, happy to take the blame for something that I had actually done wrong.
"No... I made you," Gippal interrupted.
"Well, I suppose you can have some blame," I decided. Blame is something that I didn't mind sharing at all. "Baralai is innocent though..." I added for Paine and Yuna's benefit!
"Well," Yuna said, always trying to be reasonable, "what happened?"
"Gippal and I had an argument -"
"Hmph, you failed," Paine said shortly.
That hurt me, although I didn't show it. The truth was, I had failed. But all the same, that didn't mean that the silver haired, cold, composed, Paine had to rub it in. I felt a surge of grief that threatened to make me cry again.
My mind slipped back almost unconsciously to a time not long ago. I had watched the sphere of Paine's, hidden under my bed. Nooj had kissed her; she had stopped it from going further.
"I have feeling for Gippal. You might even call them love." They were her words, not mine. Right now, I found that I could understand her comments and the way her mind was turning (which was a first!).
Much to my surprise, it was working the same way that mine did, or did sometimes anyway. She loved Gippal. Why the hell would she want me to seduce him? The truth was, she hadn't wanted that, so she had suggested Baralai. When I told her I was going with Gippal - or going to seduce him for my date - she had hurt.
Then the little voice in my head started nagging at me about guilt again. I had deceived Baralai. I had hurt Paine (although that was slightly more forgivable, considering the fact that I hadn't known anything.) Regardless, it was time to make things right.
Conversation had sprang up around me. Yuna was talking to Baralai about the party in Luca. Paine was glaring at Gippal.
I slipped up close to the blond guy, close enough that he got muddy! Mwahhaha! Evil me! I stood up on my tip-toes and whispered in his ear, "The only way you'll ever know how she feels is to come clean and ask."
I smiled and stepped back from him. I had done what I could. Now it was time to show him what I meant, although, I think he was going to be one of the more surprised people. Maybe he'd understand how I felt when he told me Baralai loved Paine... maybe he'd understand better why I acted like I had.
I was still smiling, thinking about how nice everything would be when I was guilt free. That was when I realized I was stalling.
"Oh poopie!" I declared out loud. "Here I am, stalling again!"
Everyone had their attention fixed on me for a brief moment. I had been planning on sphere changing in front of everyone, so this was the perfect moment. "Sorry in advance," I told Baralai. Then I changed.
I was in the cursed outfit again. My breath was thick inside the suit and the mud was making the itching worse. My heart was pounding - Okay, enough with the details. "I -"
"Rikku?" Baralai asked, shocked. He turned away, but not before I saw the betrayed look on his face.
I started regretting doing this with everyone around, but since that's the course I had chosen.... "I'm sorry," I said softly. "This is why I turned you down. I felt guilty for deceiving you, you know."
He didn't say anything.
"I want to go with you - but as me! I don't want..." My voice trailed off and I flopped back on the road, sprawling carelessly. "I was supposed to seduce you, but you seduced me."
"Oh Rikku," Yuna said softly. I don't think she was aware of speaking. "I'm so sorry..."
"Baralai, I put her up to it," Paine said. "I figured you wouldn't -"
"You thought it was a fool's mission," Baralai said tightly. "You thought she would fail?" He turned to me and I caught a slight glimmer of tears in his eyes. Love could only go unrequited for so long, I had a feeling that he felt less for Paine than in the past.
Or maybe that's just wistful thinking and I'm a fool.
"Rikku, I'd still like to go to the dance in Luca with you," Baralai said softly. "You've already turned me down once. Why?"
"I told you... guilt."
He offered me a hand and helped me stand back up. "I felt something... back there at the festival," he said. "I'm not sure what it was, lust, love, attraction, or maybe I've just been alone too long..."
"I felt it too," I whispered. I kept catching myself too late. Think about it! Here I was being way out of character, confessing a 'spark' with Baralai. What we were saying was the type of stuff you said in private. I sure had picked the wrong place for my confession.
"I'd like to explore this feeling more," he said. He must have given some thought to how that sounded because he suddenly blushed.
"I didn't agree to go to the dance with you because I wanted to," I whispered. "I wanted to go with you and get to know you better. I've always thought of you as 'just another Yevonite.' But you're not like that."
"Will you go to the dance in Luca with me?" he asked.
"Hell yeah!" I exclaimed, my hand flew to my mouth almost instantly. For Baralai, I wanted a good impression.
"Just be yourself, don't you think?" Baralai inquired. "And I will.... I will do the same." He smiled for me then, and it was a nice smile.
I realized that I might love him then. I might want to spend the rest of my life with him, but that decision didn't have to be made right now. I could wait and he could wait. We would eventually figure out where to go with our relationship.
I smiled back at him. Kissing would have been more dramatic, but we weren't there yet.
It was an interesting chain of events to tell the truth. I would have never imagined losing all of my respect points could be a good thing.
I owed Paine a lot, but more than that, I owed myself. It's not really that selfish if you think about it. Paine had set the events in motion. It had been my choices that had gotten me where I was. I had been the one to decide where to stop.
I guess, in many ways, I had set things in motion for Paine and Gippal. Now it was up to them to figure out there relationship.
I wish them success.
~~~**owari**~~~
The end.
================================================================
Author's notes; This fic was longer in general then I ever intended it too be. Constructed as a One-shot, it dragged into a four-part mini-saga of romance. Then, as things turned out, that took forever to occur as well, so sorry for the slow updates!
I'm thrilled that everyone loves this story so much and really, really appreciate each and ever review that I have gotten and might get in the future. Thank-you so much!
Thanks for reading,
Kissa-chan
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"If you cared about anyone then things would be different. But all you care about is yourself..." Gippal's words resounded in my ears as I woke. They drew another angry sob from my soaking wet body; a short wretched sound that made me cringe.
This wasn't me. I didn't have breakdowns. I wasn't the type of girl who would fall in a ditch and cry. But still... here I was; broke down and crying in a ditch. In my mind, what made matters worse was why I was here... I'd dare say that it was because I had fallen in love with Baralai only to find out he loved Paine...
But could I really say I loved him out loud? Could I actually say those words? And how much could it really mean; honestly, I had only really been on one date with him! I pushed the matter far from my mind. The best course of action for me seems to linger on denial, and to tell the truth, I was getting good at it.
I realized that I was in a patch of mud. Talk about slimy and dirty. My face, clothes, and body were caked with the thick, wet brown dirt. Yuck! Definitely not my idea of a good time! Although, oddly enough the mud matched my mood.
My wrist was starting to bruise where Gippal had grabbed it. I stared at it silently, trying to pick out the purple and black colors from underneath the mud. Sigh I think that the whole situation was finally getting to me, and it wasn't my fault!
Honestly, I'm the victim here! One of Paine's victims, to be precise. She's ruthless and - Er... who the hell am I kidding. I'm as much to blame as the next person. (Although I'm not responsible for actions carried out due to teasing and probing my curiosity.... consider the world warned!)
I got out of the mud and trudged off to find some water. One thing that is almost guaranteed to up a person's self-esteem is being clean. Being spiritually clean is, of course, better than just being clean. By spiritually, I mean having all guilt cleaned away...
"Rikku."
I froze, hearing my name mentioned when I thought I was all alone. I turned slowly, eyes downcast, furiously attempting to rebuild myself in an instant. My eyes, puffy and red from crying, rested on a pair of familiar boots. I knew who was talking to me and his voice had sent little shivers up my mud-caked spine.
It was Baralai. He was gazing at me in concern, face as impassive as it had ever been. There was no hint of the smile and laugher he had shared with me before.
"What'cha up to?" I asked, aiming for bright and careless tones and failing. My voice sounded depressed, (Oh the horror!) and tear-ridden. I felt heat pooling in my eyes and knew that I was about to start crying again.
Baralai shook his head slightly. "I'm on my way to see Gippal," he said in typical serious tones.
"Are you in love with Paine?" Now just so this is understood... I didn't plan on saying anything, it just slipped out like tears that won't be contained. It was like the harder I tried NOT to say anything, the harder in got to keep my words in check. The same thing was true for the salty, hot tears seeping out of my eyes.
Once the words were out I regretted them, but I started getting some success at rebuilding myself. I felt my tears stop - they were pointless now anyway. An odd sort of calm had washed over me; just like - oh screw that, enough comparing my emotions to things. I got calm. That's really all there was to it.
"Sooooo?" I inquired, drawing my voice out in impatience. He wasn't talking and I really wanted to hear his answer and, to tell the truth, his voice.
"I..." Baralai started to say.
"Rikku!" another voice shouted. I heard running feet and felt the soft glimmer of a healing potion washing over me.
It was Gippal. He had bad timing, but seeing the worried look on his face, I couldn't help but forgive him for giving Baralai an excuse not to answer.
"I'm rebuilding," I told him. "Slowly, but surely."
"You shouldn't have to. What I said was out of line," Gippal said sharply. His drawl was gone, he wasn't calm, and he had called me by my first name again.
"Isn't that against the rules?" I asked. "Shouldn't you always have to treat me the same?" I flashback on his brutal assault of my wrist.
"What?" Gippal asked in confusion.
Baralai just stared silently at me; I'm not sure what he was thinking.
I saw understanding flash through the green eye mirroring my own. "Sometimes love makes you say and do stupid things. Yelling at you and hurting you was stupid. You can't help it if you're a little brat."
Yay! Gippal was rebuilding himself! No wait, he just called me a little brat again. I pouted my lips and glared at him.
I had a feeling that if I just held my tongue for once, everything would be fine between me and Gippal. I wanted that, but what was more was the desire to be guilt free.
I gave up - (it does happen) - trying to earn 'respect points'. All I really wanted right now was to get rid of my stupid guilt. "Baralai...?" I called out, drawing his attention towards me.
He nodded his head slightly. "I see that you're starting to feel partially better."
Well, I was, until he had spoken. Then my plans dissolved. I had wanted to just sphere-change to mascot and reveal myself fully to him. Since that wasn't working, I had to come up with a new plan.
"Rikku!"
I finally realized that I was standing in the middle of the road caked in drying mud. Yes, I should have spotted this earlier, but I had still been rebuilding my sense of self. Now it was too late to get clean and I was going to have to suffer. Paine and Yuna were approaching rapidly and it was hard to tell what they were thinking.
"What happened?" Paine asked stiffly, glancing over me and than turning a hostile gaze to Baralai and Gippal. She didn't say anything, but her eyes demanded an answer to her question.
Which question? Why, the one that Yuna asked, of course. "What did you do to Rikku!" Okay, so it was more of a demand.
"It's all my fault!" I exclaimed, happy to take the blame for something that I had actually done wrong.
"No... I made you," Gippal interrupted.
"Well, I suppose you can have some blame," I decided. Blame is something that I didn't mind sharing at all. "Baralai is innocent though..." I added for Paine and Yuna's benefit!
"Well," Yuna said, always trying to be reasonable, "what happened?"
"Gippal and I had an argument -"
"Hmph, you failed," Paine said shortly.
That hurt me, although I didn't show it. The truth was, I had failed. But all the same, that didn't mean that the silver haired, cold, composed, Paine had to rub it in. I felt a surge of grief that threatened to make me cry again.
My mind slipped back almost unconsciously to a time not long ago. I had watched the sphere of Paine's, hidden under my bed. Nooj had kissed her; she had stopped it from going further.
"I have feeling for Gippal. You might even call them love." They were her words, not mine. Right now, I found that I could understand her comments and the way her mind was turning (which was a first!).
Much to my surprise, it was working the same way that mine did, or did sometimes anyway. She loved Gippal. Why the hell would she want me to seduce him? The truth was, she hadn't wanted that, so she had suggested Baralai. When I told her I was going with Gippal - or going to seduce him for my date - she had hurt.
Then the little voice in my head started nagging at me about guilt again. I had deceived Baralai. I had hurt Paine (although that was slightly more forgivable, considering the fact that I hadn't known anything.) Regardless, it was time to make things right.
Conversation had sprang up around me. Yuna was talking to Baralai about the party in Luca. Paine was glaring at Gippal.
I slipped up close to the blond guy, close enough that he got muddy! Mwahhaha! Evil me! I stood up on my tip-toes and whispered in his ear, "The only way you'll ever know how she feels is to come clean and ask."
I smiled and stepped back from him. I had done what I could. Now it was time to show him what I meant, although, I think he was going to be one of the more surprised people. Maybe he'd understand how I felt when he told me Baralai loved Paine... maybe he'd understand better why I acted like I had.
I was still smiling, thinking about how nice everything would be when I was guilt free. That was when I realized I was stalling.
"Oh poopie!" I declared out loud. "Here I am, stalling again!"
Everyone had their attention fixed on me for a brief moment. I had been planning on sphere changing in front of everyone, so this was the perfect moment. "Sorry in advance," I told Baralai. Then I changed.
I was in the cursed outfit again. My breath was thick inside the suit and the mud was making the itching worse. My heart was pounding - Okay, enough with the details. "I -"
"Rikku?" Baralai asked, shocked. He turned away, but not before I saw the betrayed look on his face.
I started regretting doing this with everyone around, but since that's the course I had chosen.... "I'm sorry," I said softly. "This is why I turned you down. I felt guilty for deceiving you, you know."
He didn't say anything.
"I want to go with you - but as me! I don't want..." My voice trailed off and I flopped back on the road, sprawling carelessly. "I was supposed to seduce you, but you seduced me."
"Oh Rikku," Yuna said softly. I don't think she was aware of speaking. "I'm so sorry..."
"Baralai, I put her up to it," Paine said. "I figured you wouldn't -"
"You thought it was a fool's mission," Baralai said tightly. "You thought she would fail?" He turned to me and I caught a slight glimmer of tears in his eyes. Love could only go unrequited for so long, I had a feeling that he felt less for Paine than in the past.
Or maybe that's just wistful thinking and I'm a fool.
"Rikku, I'd still like to go to the dance in Luca with you," Baralai said softly. "You've already turned me down once. Why?"
"I told you... guilt."
He offered me a hand and helped me stand back up. "I felt something... back there at the festival," he said. "I'm not sure what it was, lust, love, attraction, or maybe I've just been alone too long..."
"I felt it too," I whispered. I kept catching myself too late. Think about it! Here I was being way out of character, confessing a 'spark' with Baralai. What we were saying was the type of stuff you said in private. I sure had picked the wrong place for my confession.
"I'd like to explore this feeling more," he said. He must have given some thought to how that sounded because he suddenly blushed.
"I didn't agree to go to the dance with you because I wanted to," I whispered. "I wanted to go with you and get to know you better. I've always thought of you as 'just another Yevonite.' But you're not like that."
"Will you go to the dance in Luca with me?" he asked.
"Hell yeah!" I exclaimed, my hand flew to my mouth almost instantly. For Baralai, I wanted a good impression.
"Just be yourself, don't you think?" Baralai inquired. "And I will.... I will do the same." He smiled for me then, and it was a nice smile.
I realized that I might love him then. I might want to spend the rest of my life with him, but that decision didn't have to be made right now. I could wait and he could wait. We would eventually figure out where to go with our relationship.
I smiled back at him. Kissing would have been more dramatic, but we weren't there yet.
It was an interesting chain of events to tell the truth. I would have never imagined losing all of my respect points could be a good thing.
I owed Paine a lot, but more than that, I owed myself. It's not really that selfish if you think about it. Paine had set the events in motion. It had been my choices that had gotten me where I was. I had been the one to decide where to stop.
I guess, in many ways, I had set things in motion for Paine and Gippal. Now it was up to them to figure out there relationship.
I wish them success.
~~~**owari**~~~
The end.
================================================================
Author's notes; This fic was longer in general then I ever intended it too be. Constructed as a One-shot, it dragged into a four-part mini-saga of romance. Then, as things turned out, that took forever to occur as well, so sorry for the slow updates!
I'm thrilled that everyone loves this story so much and really, really appreciate each and ever review that I have gotten and might get in the future. Thank-you so much!
Thanks for reading,
Kissa-chan