GUILTY GEAR
The Wedding Night
The Series
Conceived and Written by: Sheo Darren
Sheo needs even more sleep than before. It seems that if half a dozen plush toys of Tessa, Kirika and Rei don't work, a hundred units ought to do. Unfortunately, his buddies Shou Tsuzuku and Ebs have gotten some sort of inane idea into his head. Crazy…
Rated PG for some violence, inanity, confusion, multiple anime crossovers, commentary, author's self-inserts, dragging the good names and stories of other unsuspecting writers into the mess, advertisement of author's other stories, etc, etc.
Coupling: Ky Kiske and Dizzy.
Sheo Darren does not own Guilty Gear and all the stuff he's ripping off. He would like to state his gratitude to the people who intentionally or unintentionally helped his conceive and write this chapter. He apologizes to Sir G for turning this story into a convoluted crossover with little or less plot–but isn't it fun this way? He also wants to tell Shou Tsuzuku a.k.a. S.T. a big, "Yes, sir… my… buddy!" and wants to fry a certain epal fish who deserves to be canned. Also, as a personal favor to Lone Wolf SIX: "Just what are you up to with me in GG versus SNK? Can I get paired with–"
Tessa, Kirika, Rei and all the girls: "SHEO!!!"
Never mind…
The Wedding Night Series
Arc One
Loveshorn Knight and Angel Wings
Episode 3: Pinoy Invasion!
Somewhere in the seedier parts of a shopping mall in the Greenhills region of the Philippines –a place neglected by most decent people, save, that is, for those who need to buy bootleg items and pirated goods at insanely low prices, at the risk of being caught by the local killjoy bigots who call themselves the 'NRCB' and who pride themselves at wasting so much time in their air-conditioned rooms while trampling on the masses' desire to enjoy life at a progressively reduced cost at this place called Greenhills but which noticeably lacks any hill of any sort or color– but we miss the point.
Anyway: Somewhere in the seedier parts of the shopping mall known to Filipinos as Virra Mall, getting himself drunk on local booze and being utterly miserable, was a certain former Gear who was once the feared right hand to the most feared Gear in the world but who now was a sorry sob of a loser for having lost his most cherished ideal twice already at the hands of conniving blondes –one English, the latest French– and even sorrier in that he was nothing more, really, than a potato-loving faggot dressed up in a tight tube top and a closet pedophile and–
"I heard that," growled Testament at the ceiling.
There is the distinct sound of laughter coming somewhere above. Thankfully, the emboldened text representing the speech of the author of this fan fiction does not appear, meaning he had deigned to expand on his taunt.
Testament was not happy right now. Having lost Dizzy again to some all-powerful fan fiction writer who took glee in making him suffer by watching helplessly how his darling was exploited –or not, considering that there were many writers out there, the one writing this story included, were decent people– anyway, Testament was at the lowest ebb of his morale.
He was in a bar right now, where bartenders served out alcohol at ridiculous prices but which people nevertheless paid for without complaint because booze was booze. This being in the Philippines, the bar had its own unique attributes and occasions. Only a few minutes earlier, Testament had watched as a bunch of toughs approached a woman and lewdly asked for her companionship, then a lone guy who looked older than Kliff Undersn told the toughs to lay off and treat women better, then a fight commenced with the guy slamming the toughs into tables and doing some very fancy punches and one liners. The guy –his name were initials all; FPJ, was that it?– then did some very fancy shooting that would have impressed Dirty Harry or Private York, blasting the goons in rapid succession with a S&W long-barrel revolver with one bullet per baddie. Damn, if all Filipinos could shoot that way, they'd have come a long way in conquering the world. The incurious bartender off-handedly told Testament that that happened every week or so, with guys named Lito Lapid or Robin Padilla or the Revilla father-son tandem doing the clean-up. The bad guys never learned.
While the action scene was playing out he considered his attempts to do something about Dizzy's impeding damnation –err, wedding. He had tried. Oh, had he tried to stop the wedding before it got rolling. He had sent Zio over to seduce or kill Ky, but somehow his trusted succubus sidekick had failed to deliver on her mission. If fact, she hadn't come back yet, which troubled Testament to no end…
"This is very nice of you to treat me out, Necro-chan."
"Uh, yeah, um, right, of course, Miss Zio…"
"Call me Zio, dearie; I'm not that old, you know."
"Right…"
"You were saying something, Undine?"
"Oh, nothing. Shouldn't you be going back to Testament now, Zio?"
"But, Undine!"
"Bother that, Undine, you're such a spoilsport. Let him be for a while; I'm on vacation right now and I need relaxation."
"Maybe he's worried about you.?"
"There's no need for him worrying; I can't be touched or anything, remember?"
"Yeah, but you can give a lot of pleasure out, you could…"
"Eh? Were you saying something, Undine?"
"Nothing, Zio..."
"St. Tale like ice cream. Yummy!"
"And since Mr. Kiske did give you the money for that, I suppose you won't attack him any more, would you, St. Tale-chan?"
"St. Tale promise."
"Oh, just great…"
…And still Testament tried. He had tried teleporting, but to no avail. Though he had teleported without abandon in the first The Wedding Night, he wasn't able to do it anymore for some reason…
"Thank you very much for your help, Father Anderson. You don't know how much we are in your debt."
"All in the service of God, my boy! Besides, demons must not be allowed to corrupt the pure children of the Mother Church! And you a friend of my old friend Kliff Undersn, God rest his soul in peace. This is child's play, affixing those sacred writs in strategic locations and therefore depriving evil beings that use teleportation to move about in waiting ambush for the faithful!"
"Nevertheless, thank you very much for this, Father, and for agreeing to officiate at our wedding..."
"No problem, my boy! Although, I was thinking that weddings aren't really my field of work. Father Maxwell is far more suited to the role, you see, but he's absent now on some reunion of his. Something about five pilots who save the world piloting Gundams, a weird stalker 'chick' –his words, not mine– who kept following the main character around and the guy being stalked being Japanese but looking Polish, a guy with no name save for 'No Name' and a name he stole, a guy who's supposed to be Middle Eastern but is too white, and a fanatical Chink who's got as much common sense in his head as there is air in outer space. Whatever that means…"
…And the one time his teleport worked, Testament found himself in the wrong place –and under attack from a crazy guy in a Russian military combat uniform and wielding an AK-74S that never ran out of high explosive armor piercing radar guided homing laser bullets!
Earl Osborne howled his insane battle cry as he charged the weird-looking man who looked like a woman in leather. He hated people who looked like gays.
"Anak ng Ricky Reyes! Isang gagong bading na isip sepulturero! Marami ka pang kakaining bigas! Atsaka bad breath ka ah; etong sa iyo! Toothpaste!"
(Translation: "Son of a Ricky Reyes! Gay bastard who thinks like an undertaker! You have a lot more rice to eat! And you've bad breath, too; take this! Toothpaste!")
That was one of the strangest and craziest experiences the ex-Gear had had. Crazy Filipinos running amok with weapons of selective mass destruction: What was the world coming to?
As he drunk his San Mig Light and reminisced upon better times, Testament felt the presence of a person come over to his side. He heard a sleazy voice asking:
"Boss, VCD? DVD?"
"What is this?" Normally the Gear was disinterested in such things, but he was depressed today and in a forgiving mood. "A sales pitch?"
"Yes, boss," the man said in Pidgin English. "Boss, X?"
"X 1999?" Testament could not suppress a shudder at the mention of that anime. Horrid, horrid, just horrid, the way those gay bastards…
"No, boss. X, as in triple X."
"Huh?" It dawned on him suddenly: "Is this pornography?"
"Yes, boss."
A long moment of silence, before–
"How dare you blatantly offer me such garbage! I should strike you down and slay you all now for polluting the world with your very presence! In fact, I will do so right now, considering that my beloved Dizzy is about to be given off to a scoundrel and me unable to do anything about it!" Testament raised his scythe.
The guy shrugged casually. "Okay. You want other services?"
That comment made the Gear come to a stop. "What other services?"
"Many services, boss. We do kidnaps, hold-ups, assassinations, gunrunning, pimping, porn movies, stopping weddings from happening…"
That last item piqued Testament's interest and gave him a sudden spark of hope. "How much to stop a wedding?"
The guy told him. "Are you good?" Testament asked again.
"The best, boss." He pronounced the word 'the' as 'da' and with a crooked smile.
"Consider yourself hired, human. This is what I want you to do…"
The wedding of Ky Kiske and Dizzy was a big event inasmuch as to the nature of the nuptial couple and the bride's impressive array of friends and admirers. Included in the guest list were many Guilty Gear fan fiction writers, and at the top was the man who arranged the whole thing to occur: Sheo Darren.
Inside his room within the vast confines of the gigantic Ultrasaurus mobile headquarters carrier Zoid that was his home, this great writer was engaged in a crisis like no other, a crisis his power and genius could not solve.
Sheo sighed deeply as the bow he was attempting to tie loosened up and slipped down for the umpteenth time. "It isn't as easy as it looks like," he grumbled at his reflection in the mirror.
The door to his room resounded with knocks. Forgetting his problem with the tie, he went over and opened it.
Three very pretty girls were there in the doorway, all dressed up for the wedding and all with eyes for Sheo. Teletha 'Tessa' Testarossa was in front, charismatic and adorable even in a formal Mithril dress uniform that did nothing to detract her good looks and petite figure. Behind her was the infamous but sweetly cute assassin known as Noir: Kirika Yuumura, a sky blue sundress and white ribbon bow easily hanging upon her slim frame and a curious expression in her eyes. Finally but not the least of them was the reticently beautiful First Child herself, Ayanami Rei, her evening gown of delicate transparent lavender and deeper purple absolutely lovely.
Despite his trouble, Sheo could not help but smile at his three friends. "Well, now, is there anything you girls would need?"
Kirika pointed at Sheo's cause of trouble –the tie– and quietly remarked, "Your tie is undone."
"Oh, poor Sheo could never really live without us keeping an eye on him." Flirtatious as ever, Tessa moved in and began tending to it cheerfully while the owner of the tie slightly blushing at all the attention the gray-haired girl was giving him.
Not forgotten but content to remain at the sideline for the time being, Rei simply stood there and watched.
"There, there." Tessa gave the tie an ostentatious pat. "All done now, Sheo."
"How can I ever live without you girls tending me?" The Filipino writer grinned. Thanks a lot, Tessa-chan. Oh, and Kirika-kun, could you please hand me my cologne?"
Obediently the Japanese girl fetched the said item for the doubly grateful Sheo. "Arigatou."
It was Rei's turn as she carried over perhaps the most precious thing in the world for her: A small sky blue case containing Sheo's glasses.
"I was wondering where it went."
"I borrowed it last night."
"Oh. Okay." His glasses on at last, Sheo tipped them in flourish and asked: "Shall we?"
Aside, no one noticed a small figure sliding away from the P4 computer that Sheo used to type his fan fiction. It was only when she was pretending to be interested in an entirely different matter that Sheo noticed her.
"Hey, Yuuki! What are you up to now?"
That Girl tipped her glasses, gave her creator her most childlike smile and said, "Yes, sir, my Master?" in Japanese accented English. Nearby, Seras Victoria heard that and frowned a bit. She didn't like people ripping her lines off and was tempted to bite Yuuki for that transgression.
For a moment Sheo looked like he knew Yuuki was up to something; his interpretation of That Man was usually up to something, and it usually was no good. Then, remembering that they might be late for the wedding, simply reprimanded his created character, grumbled a bit about free will and the usual diatribe, and went off to the Ultrasaurus command center to make sure that Dana Sterling and Meia Gisborn had things in hand.
Certain that no one could see her smile, Yuuki allowed herself one. "To quote one of my Master's other created characters: 'The lights are on, the curtains are raised, and the act begins. It's show time!"
In another part of the world –specifically, Sheo's Shaman King fan fiction Iron Maiden and Dowser Knight– Rione Asuka Hunter sneezed.
"I wonder who's thinking of me? Kilig, sobra!"
The guy who had bothered Testament earlier entered a room inside an abandoned factory to gather his men. (For some obscure reason, Filipino bad guys liked to make their dens in remote locations that had no innocent bystanders nearby in case a firefight broke out with the attacking good guys.) In according to tradition both local and overseas, the goons were drinking and playing blackjack.
The boss did not mince words. "Hoy, mga ungas! Magsiayos kayo at me trabaho na naman tayo!" ('Get up, you imbeciles! Fix yourselves up; we've got a job to do!')
"Talaga, boss? Ayos, me kita na naman tayo!" ('Really boss? Great, we're gonna get some cash again!)
"Galeng." ('Wow.')
"Yehey." (Same as above.)
"Astig." (See above)
"Magmadali kayo at mayroon tayong kailangang i-arrange na kasal! Kunin ninyo yung mga anting-anting, mga kris at mga panangga. Hala, mga tanga, bilis! Lalakad na tayo!"
('Hurry up and we've got a wedding to 'arrange'! Get your anting-anting, swords and shields! Hurry up, morons! We go at once!')
"Anong ibig sabihin ng 'arrange'?" ('What does he mean by 'arrange'?')
"Ililigpit raw, tanga." ('Get rid off', dummy.)
"OK."
Preparations for the wedding were complete. As well as inviting relatives, friends and acquaintances as guests, there was also the matter of safety for the event. Considering that there were at least two people who'd make trouble if they can –one a Chinese cook, the other an ex-Gear; can you guess who?– it was decided to beef up security measures for the entire area. Therefore, various mercenary and military groups were asked to the occasion, among them being Mithril, AEGIS, the Federal Forces, UNSPACEY, SeeD, the Galaxy Police, and several Super Robots and their respective support bases.
There was only one serious problem: The father of the bride could not be found. Despite best efforts, there was still no trace of Sol Badguy. The last anyone had heard of him was when the Getbackers duo, Ginji Amano and Mido Ban, had tried looking for him. The pair came back toasted to a crisp. It appeared Sol didn't want to be bothered by anyone.
So, with the greatest of feigned reservations, Johnny got the honor of giving Dizzy away. He was wearing the most elegant of tuxedos and pants– but he was still shirtless.
"What?"
"Put a shirt on, Johnny."
"Aw, come on, May…"
"Johnny." Her mouth was a flat line of disapproval.
"Yes, ma'am." So much for wowing the ladies with my abs, Johnny thought as he went off to put on a shirt.
In the reception area that would later be used as the party grounds, a knot of Guilty Gear writers and a certain Last Blade 2 character are talking with each other.
"So how was your excursion chasing after that band you like?" Blackheart ZERO was saying.
"Pretty tiring, but it was a lot of fun." Athena Asamiya tossed her luxuriantly long hair up in the air. "They and yaoi and Sol Badguy own my soul, period."
Next to them, Hibiki Takane was examining her lovely red formal kimono. "Lone Wolf-san, I don't really think this kind of clothing fits me. It's rich and all, but I–" Here she made a gesture of frustration with the hand holding her pole sword.
"Of course it fits you, Hibiki, and it fits you well, I should say." Lone Wolf SIX was grinning reassuringly at his friend. "I should know; I bought it especially for you. Though I wish you'd have left your sword behind."
"Considering the likeliness of random battles happening right before us, I think this is wise to be armed. Forewarned is forearmed, Lone Wolf-san."
"Haii, Hibiki-kun."
Hibiki blushed. "That's my line."
"Hey, guys!" Chisaii404, Michiku and TRUE Unknown arrived just then, the first two very happy, the last looking a bit apprehensive but game.
"Hey, TRUE Unknown; what's with you?"
"May is back already, right?"
"Yes, she is… oh. I see."
"Don't worry," said Michiku. "She's forgiven you."
"Really? Who said that: Sheo?"
"No. Quatre did."
The annoyed Bridget appeared out of nowhere. "How many times do I have to tell you!" he fairly screamed before being yanked back by May into the bride's fitting room. "I AM NOT QUATRE!"
"At least it wasn't Sheo who said it," TRUE Unknown said.
"Where's Kaiser Ryouga II?"
"He probably got lost."
Somewhere in the reclusive woods of China, Kaiser Ryouga is fending off a swarm of Chinese Amazon warriors with his beam umbrella and Dark Side Force powers. Yes; he did get lost.
Athena noticed a group of people. "Hey, who are those?"
Chisaii looked in the direction and then shrugged. "I dunno. But they're the weirdest bunch I've seen."
"Hey! I know them!" Lone Wolf tapped his temple twice before remembering. "They're from Eternal Fighters Zero!"
"That new fighting game loosely based on Guilty Gear?"
"Yeah! That's the one!"
"The one with characters derived from hentai games?"
"They are?" Both Lone Wolf and Hibiki blushed.
Without giving the authors any sign of recognition or interest, the troop of girls – Mai Amasagawa, Ikumi Amasawa, Sayuri Kurata, Nayuki, Misaki, Shiori and Kaori Misaka – passed them by. They were carrying a palanquin, and upon that palanquin was–
"A box?" Everyone was in disbelief.
It was square and brown and had SBC Packaging written on a side. It also had eyes and a down-turned mouth set in a permanent glower and an evil aura.
The Box of Doom Mk II gave the GG writers an evil glare. Everyone shivered from the evil aura it radiated as it passed by.
"Just what the hell was that?" TRUE Unknown muttered when the Box was gone. "Yet another one of Sheo's little in-jokes?"
"No," answered a familiar voice, "He's actually an original idea –a self-insert representation of my friend for himself. I got permission to use him."
Sheo Darren himself was there now, Yuuki (a.k.a. That Girl) preceding him, with Tessa, Kirika and Rei following close behind him and–
"Who are they, Sheo-san?" Hibiki was phrasing her question politely, unlike the rest of her companions who were basically yelling, "What the hell?"
The people in question were about five dozen or so girls, all in Sheo's train. Included in the impressive group were Selphie Tilmitt, Serena Schezar, Nene Romanova, Hikaru Shidou and Nova, Maya Ibuki, Mana Kirishima, Tomoyo Daidouji, Tonette Macchi, Mariemeia Khushrenada and Mineva Lao Zabi, Barnette Orangello, Allenby Beardley, Mimiru, Minase Mai, Shinobu Maehara, Cagalli Yura Ashura, Lux Clyne, Seras Victoria and Yomiko Readman, to name a few.
Coughing delicately, Sheo introduced each and every girl. It took him a good while to finish. "My–" he searched for a diplomatic word, "Friends."
"Friends. Right."
"A lot of them seem to be younger than Sheo." TRUE Unknown considered. He asked Yuuki: "Would by any chance your master suffer from Lolita syndrome?"
"What do you think?" she replied in the same way Sheo teased Lone Wolf and Hibiki back in Chapter Two of this same fic.
"Thank you very much, Yuuki," growled Sheo. "How about I ground you?"
"Then why did you make me a cute ten year old girl?"
"You're based on Mariemeia, that's what. Although she's never given me the same kind of trouble you are giving me."
"Wait 'til later," mysteriously promised Yuuki.
"What does that mean?"
Laughter, as the light falls on a just right angle upon Yuuki's glasses, obscuring her eyes and reminding everyone that she is That Girl…
Dizzy was blushing badly as May and April fixed her up for her wedding. "I'm so nervous," she honestly admitted to her friends, "I think I'm going to faint or something."
"You didn't have this kind of problem back in the first The Wedding Night," April noted.
"Sheo probably forgot to put that in," suggested May.
"It's so nice of you guys to help out in my wedding: Johnny giving me away; May the bridesmaid; Bridget the best man; April and Jack the ring bearers–"
April's face had a look of disgust when her pet peeve was mentioned.
"Don't worry, Dizzy; your wedding will turn out fine. Johnny, Bridget and Potemkin are giving Ky last minute advice."
"And you'd better not make her cry," Bridget was sanctimoniously addressing the Frenchman, "Or else."
Flanking the blonde boy, massive Potemkin and suave Johnny cracked knuckles and bared swords. Bridget himself was fixing his yoyos –or maybe preparing for a very Bad Trick. Finally, Jack was shining a 12 gauge shotgun and inspecting a row of copper-colored 400 grain shotgun shells.
Ky rolled his eyes: "Shotgun wedding taken to new interpretations."
"You're just lucky Sol isn't here and that this isn't the original The Wedding Night." Bridget shuddered slightly as he remembered how he was virtually thrashed all across the world in that story. "Anyway, I doubt Sheo is up to something; he wants Dizzy to be happy."
"Well, what about That Girl? Yuuki looked like she knew something was going to happen."
"Relax. We've got it all under control."
The wedding ceremony was okay, by most standards. There was a bit of a last minute hassle considering that Sheo's extensive harem had to be assigned an entire row of chairs of their own. All the while the said author was protesting the term 'harem' as it supposedly had unpleasant and untrue connotations. Oddly enough, no one was aiming any comments at the Box of Doom Mk II, itself surrounded with a number of cute girls.
"It is a box, after all" Bridget decided. "I guess we can let it be."
"Thank you very much, Quatre," growled Sheo.
"Payback time…"
Dizzy was absolutely lovely in her wedding dress. Ky was okay enough, though he opted to wear his armor over his tuxedo and bore Thunderseal alongside him: "For security reasons."
Father Anderson was adept enough for the wedding. He was, however, too much of a war freak and a fanatic. When a random person in the front row had dozed off during the early part of the Mass, Father Anderson threw a knife at him. Luckily the blade missed –narrowly– and everyone kept awake and paid attention to the priest's lecture, if only to make sure that they had a chance of dodging the next projectile.
Gospel and Homily came, and everyone suffered. Father Anderson chose a reading about sin, death, punishment and the like that had nothing to do with weddings. He delivered a fiery and unnecessarily long homily that was mostly rants directed at people who wrote yaoi fan fiction, especially about him and his arch rival Alucard, and promised painful death of a delectably detailed nature and fiery eternal damnation to such writers ("Dust to dust. Amen.") In the audience, Athena Asamiya was taking discreet measures to hide from view; she was, after all, a yaoi writer. The only one who enjoyed the sermon was Ky. He had had enough of people pairing him with Sol in freaky stories and hoped this wedding would be the final nail on that slander's coffin.
At last the homily ended, and the rest of the ceremony passed swiftly. Finally, Father Anderson approached the most critical part of the ceremony. May unobtrusively signaled the security forces to be extra vigilant. She had a feeling something out of hand was about to happen.
Aside, Yuuki was smiling as she tipped her glasses up the bridge of her nose.
"So," Father Anderson continued in cheery enough manners, "If anyone has just cause to object to this wedding…" As he talked, his swords suddenly appeared in his hands while Ky unsheathed Thunderseal. Potemkin, Johnny, Bridget, May and the Jellyfish crew were also making overtly threatening displays with weapons.
No one answered. No one even moved.
Yuuki tipped her glasses. "All for nothing," she mysteriously murmured.
"Well, then." Father Anderson grinned as his swords disappeared and everyone sighed in relief. "Since no one disagrees, I now pronounce you– what the… A DOOR?"
It was, indeed, a door, appearing in thin air and looking perfectly normal. It opened and out tumbled Faust, laughing like mad because he was mad. Following closely on his heels was a very familiar Gothic drag queen decked up in a tube top and holding a blood-red scythe.
"Testament?"
Sheo blinked before grimacing. "Clever. I didn't expect a dimensional door."
"Unhand my darling Dizzy, boy, before I slay you for such misdeed!"
"Well, at least he didn't mistake Ky for a girl like with me…"
Ky immediately got between Testament and Dizzy. "Never! I will not let you stop our wedding!" Next to him, Father Anderson sprung from his spot near the altar, swords in hand. Potemkin, Johnny, May, April, Bridget, Jack ran from their seats and took places beside Ky.
"You seem to be outnumbered, friend," Johnny said as his katana appeared out of the folds of his trench coat like magic.
"Hah! I did not come here without preparation!" Testament gestured triumphantly. "Now, my minions! Show yourselves!"
No one appeared. All the fighters waited impatiently for the summoned minions to appear. Minutes passed. A big sweat drop formed on Testament's forehead.
"We're waiting," May grumpily said.
"Excuse me for a moment." The Gear rushed back into the dimensional door. Everyone heard him yelling and cursing whoever he meant to get a move one.
Finally, Testament came out with a look of annoyance and disenchantment in his face. Behind him were arrayed his minions, the most improbable bunch of warriors any American had ever seen. They were about a dozen men with brown skin and black hair, dressed up in bahag loincloth and armed with wavy kris and large shields. Weird little necklaces were draped over their necks.
"Ha! Meet my minions! They will slay you all and take Dizzy away from here!"
Behind him, the warrior 'primitives' all got into ragged formation and were yelling Tagalog battle cries like, "Mabuhay ang Pilipinas!" ("Long live the Philippines!"), "Nanlalamig ang puwit ko dahil sa tang-inang bahag ko…" ("My ass is getting cold because of my friggin' loincloth…") and "Uy, astig yung damit ng mama, a!" ("Wow, that guy's clothes are cool!")
"You mean those nutcases?" Everyone stared at the newcomers, and then they all broke into very loud laughter. Even Dizzy was laughing, which said a lot for the sheer stupidity of the situation.
"Filipinos? What is the world coming to?"
Testament got angry. "You dare toy with me?" He gestured grandly to his men. "Show them your power, men!"
One of the Filipinos took out a slingshot and opened fire, but accidentally hit one of the church's stained glass windows.
"Ay, patay…" ("Oh, sh#t...")
Now, that got Father Anderson's attention. "Sacrilegious infidels!" he howled in anger before throwing a swarm of knives at the offending Filipinos. To everyone's surprise, the knives harmlessly bounced off the Filipinos.
Testament laughed. "Hah! My men cannot be harmed by such weapons!"
Father Anderson wasn't so ready to agree quite yet. He threw himself at the Filipino warriors and was mobbed but put up a good fight, what with him being a regenerator and all that. But twelve-to-one odds and that invincibility overcame even him. It took the all of the Filipinos to take him down, but Father Anderson went down. Then there was a hail of holy writs as the paladin teleported.
"He'll be back," Blackheart said.
Sheo was already teleporting everyone outside the church, as he was leery of the potential property damage. The Jesuits were going to kill him for that single broken window (already patched up, but still!); what more if the entire church went down over their heads?
A battle commenced. Johnny used Mist Finer. No effect on the Filipinos.
Potemkin did his 'Heavenly Potemkin Buster' move: Still no effect on them.
Jack emptied his automatic shotgun's twenty-round magazine, lobbed a grenade, jumped up and hung himself on the chandelier and did a 'Desperado' Limit Break: Not a scratch.
May summoned Yamada the whale and sent him into the melee. The Filipinos caught Yamada and began cooking him, much to the horror of the pink whale's mistress.
"Waah! Yamada-san!"
Bridget looped his yoyo around one of the Filipino warriors' waist. "No one does that to my wife's pet whale! Shoot The Moon!"
On Mare Tranquilis on the moon, Chinese astronauts are horrified to find a homicidal amok Filipino in a loincloth chasing after them with a sword.
"Give up?" Testament taunted.
"Never!" Ky went into his battle pose. "You will not stop our wedding, potato-loving faggot! Prepare to be defeated!"
The Filipinos nudged one of their own forward. "You fight him," everyone said.
"Why are we talking in English now?"
"Because it's a bit clumsy to rely on translations, dummy."
"Okay."
Ky immediately powered up and launched his ultimate overdrive: "RIDE THE LIGHTNING!"
Unfortunately, his Filipino opponent was a gutter fighter who used cheap and dirty tactics in fighting. He tripped Ky in the middle of 'Ride The Lightning', beat him over the head with a shield until the Frenchman was senseless, and kept kicking the knight repeatedly while he was down on the ground.
"Ow. Ow. Ouch. Ow. OOOWWW…"
"None of our attacks are working on them," April realized a bit too late. Jack pointed her tardiness in a not so polite manner, which started another argument that degenerated into full-fledge war that Sheo is so fed up with, he teleports the two of them away from here.
"Mr. Darren!" Dizzy was in tears. "Why did you do this?"
"ME?" Sheo looked flabbergasted, as if he was truly caught by surprise. "I didn't do anything!"
"But you're the author," TRUE Unknown pointed out.
All the people there turned to glare at Sheo.
"But I never planned this! I really want Dizzy and Ky to get married and I certainly didn't plan this…" His last words trailed off as he realized who the culprit was–
"YUUKI!"
"Uh, oh." That Girl knew she was in trouble, so she flashed everyone one last grin, said, "Bye, bye," and then time-slipped out of the church and into safety before Sheo or any of the other guests could beat her up.
"Wonderful character design," TRUE Unknown snapped at Sheo. "Do make more of her in the future."
"She must have messed up with my computer; that would explain everything! The invincibility is due to their agimat –local magical amulets that protects the user from any sort of harm! Oh, I am so gonna kill her!"
"Forget Yuuki for a while!" Bridget gestured frantically to the advancing Testament and his phalanx of Filipinos, all heading for Dizzy.
"Dear Dizzy, come back to me now…"
"Yamete! Onegai, yamete! Ky-sama! Anyone, please help!"
"Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Help. Ow."
Sheo's eyes narrowed as he focused. "Here comes trouble," he swore beneath his breath as he used 'The Will and The Word'…
Suddenly, a girl in Japanese fuku and pleated skirt, her wild red hair flying, appeared: None other than Justine Harrier (see Chapter One). She rushed over to the choir and was relaying her message breathlessly. The choir all nodded and began playing out loud a certain Queen song that had led to the name of a certain prototype half-Gear: Queen's 'Hello, Mister Badguy'.
Who else came in but Sol Badguy?
"Sol!" Testament said in shock. That was all he managed to say, as Sol stomped over to him, grabbed him, head-butted him, Wild Threw him and then executed the ultra cheap combo that Ebs used on his opponents in Guilty Gear (▼-Slash-High Slash-Dust-Bandit Revolver and wait for attack's second hit-Roman Cancel-▼-HS-▲-S-Dust-repeat ▲-S-D until impossible to do). Naturally, that flattened Testament into a pulp before Justine could finish her pom-pom cheerleading routine.
(to the tune of the GaoGaiGar opening theme) "Go, go, go! Go, go, go, Sol Badguy! Go, go, go! Go, go, go, Sol Badguy!"
"Is this all?" Testament uttered before fainting.
"He has Venom's death quote, too?" Athena mumbled.
Sol turned to the Filipinos, who seemed surprised at the defeat of their leader but were still ready to accomplish their mission. Then, to everyone's surprise, Sol used his right hand to form the letter C, then flashed four fingers up, then five fingers. Then he said in very fluent Filipino:
"Kaya mo ba, 'tol?" ("Can you take it, bro?")
The Filipinos all burst into grins as they found a kindred soul who knew how to invite them to an alcohol drinking spree. Justine ran over carrying ice-cold bottles of Colt 45 (a Filipino pilsner drink, from whose advertisement commercials the line Sol uttered was taken from) and began serving out glasses.
"You know, this is stupid," TRUE Unknown told Sheo, who shrugged and replied:
"At least our raunchiest pilsner commercials somehow managed to stay at PG or PG-13 at the most. What about that media blitz by Miller a while back– the one with the catfight girls?"
"You saw it?"
"No, just read about it on the Internet. By the way: 'Great taste' or 'less filling'?"
"Of course I'd go for– never mind, forget I said anything…"
Aside, Blackheart ZERO was chuckling. He'd used that idea before (see The Incredibly Zany Guilty Gear Story Chapter 11).
Anyway, the Filipinos and Sol all did a toast and drink their glasses straight– and then the Filipinos all choked and toppled over dead.
"What the censored?" Sol muttered.
"They swallow their agimat stones earlier to make them work," explained Sheo. "The drink got stuck in their throats because of their agimat and choked them."
"So, hindi ninyo kaya pala, 'tol?" ("So, you couldn't take, huh, bro?") "Too bad." The disappointed Sol began drinking by himself while Justine happily plinked ice cubes into the empty glasses and refilled them.
"Stupid," TRUE Unknown repeated sullenly. Sheo was nodding in agreement.
"Where did Sol learn to speak Filipino?" Dizzy asked Bridget.
"Since he learned that booze was cheap and good in the Philippines, that's when. He gets around, after all."
Steven Seagal suddenly appears, says, "I found gold in the Philippines," holds up a bottle of Tanduay Rhum (yet another local alcoholic drink) and leaves.
"And what was that for?"
"That? That was for variety."
"Your fan fic is not only long; it's also pointless, crazy and confusing."
"I noticed."
Suddenly, a shrill shriek startles everyone –and shatters the half-full glass of beer Sol was about to down.
Unfortunately for Ky, his lesser bane of existence had again appeared.
"KURADOBERI!"
Cranberry Jam skidded to a halt, looking absolutely sexy but furious. "What is this? Why is Ky going to marry that girl?"
"Help," Ky was muttering.
Sol got up, scowled, "Stupid bitch with ugly assets," and did a Tyrant Wave: Version Beta that blasted Jam a hundred miles away.
"That was quick," said Sheo.
"Anyone else want to die?" Sol bellowed at everybody. "Step right up; I've got plenty of Napalm Death for everyone!"
A sudden and eerily cute peal of laughter makes everyone turn around to stare at Mai Amasagawa, the 'battoujitsu swordie' girl who was carrying the gasp of horror! Box of Doom Mk II.
Looking very tired all of a sudden, Sheo sighed deeply. "I forgot about him."
"Do you really think that you could make any fan fiction with no smear of perversion?" Mai's eyes glittered unnaturally. "Admit it; you were always a closet pervert and pedophile, just like the rest of us!"
Sheo felt a disturbance behind him as his entire 'harem' stirred at that remark. He began wondering just why this had to happen to him, of all people, and that he should really have gotten better friends than the ones he had.
"That's not true!"
"Sheo's not like that!"
"Take it back, or else!"
"Yeah!"
"Why is she talking like that?" Tessa asked indignantly. Beside her, Kirika was reaching for her 1938 Beretta while Rei was raising an AT Field.
"Possession," tiredly explained Sheo; "The Box itself can't talk, so it has to have someone to do the talking for it." Beneath his breath, he added: "And he took the one girl from that game who I kind of liked, too…"
Mai/The Box laughed as evilly as she could, though she sounded more cute than menacing in the process. "Prepare to meet your doom, Sheo Darren, for you will meet the ultimate evil to ever walk the Earth!"
With a very deep sigh, Sheo asked everyone to take at least fifty steps back as the Box was renowned for summoning very large and terrifying monsters. His sardonic smile underlined the word 'terrifying'. "Please," he added.
Knowing how crazy this entire story was, everyone ran off to relative safety.
The Box suddenly opened and out of it came–
"Horror of all horrors! It's a giant Barney doll!
It was indeed the purple dinosaur all decent people hate, now grown to monstrous proportions and singing his horrid lines, "I love you, you love me, we're one happy family!" Immediately an unholy wave of sickening aura swept through everyone in the vicinity, making them gag, retch or pass out from sheer revulsion. Even Sol looked ready to succumb in disgust while Father Anderson –newly returned and regenerated– was slowly decomposing. About the only people unaffected were all those within a fifty foot radius of Sheo, including the GG writers and his harem, plus Justine who broke into a big grin at the sight of Barney, ran over to it and glomped it.
"Kawaii!"
"Your girlfriend is weird," Father Anderson managed before he fainted.
"She's not my girlfriend," Sol snapped at him before fainting as well.
"Do you know," the bespectacled writer of this fan fiction glumly muttered, "That I am so going to get flamed because of you?"
Mai/The Box only laughed shrilly. "Giant Barney, destroy Sheo Darren!"
"Give me a big hug!" the giant Barney cackled as it stomped closer to Sheo.
"Fine." Sheo turned to his coterie of 'girl friends' ("They're girls and my friends but they're not my girlfriends.") and called out: "Talim!"
The petite High Priestess of the Wind from Soul Calibur II who was Sheo's official little sister rushed to him. "Ano 'yon, kuya?" ("What is it, big brother?")
He handed her a sheet of paper with lines on it. "Please read this. Aloud, if you may."
"Okay!" The Filipina teenager scanned the paper once and began reciting the lines. As she spoke, she did not notice the holy light that began shining from her.
"I don't remember the exact lines from that Silver Surfer comic book, but it did mention something about 'when the heart is at peace with itself, the purity of the inner essence will shine forth from it and purify the world of evil that cannot stand it' or something like that. Is that okay, kuya?"
Sheo was smiling now. "Yeah, 'tol; it's just fine."
The unholy giant Barney was screaming as it melted into a purple puddle and the puddle burst into purple fire that then vanished. It couldn't take the combination of Talim's pure innocence and the holy light.
"Curse you!" Mai/The Box was absolutely furious. "How could you have thought of such a counter to my unholy Barney?" She got into her battoujitsu pose. "You will learn to feel the fury of a Johnny/Hibiki clone that uses a Western sword in battoujitsu!"
"Just to set facts straight: Battoujitsu with a Western double-edged sword is impossible because of both the sword and the sword art involved."
Johnny was trying to convince himself that this was all just a bad dream.
The voice of the Eternal Fighters Zero narrator chimed in: "Ready: ATTACK!" (with the cute Japanese accent that makes 'Attack' sound like 'Attaku')
Mai/The Box charged forward to launch her version of Hibiki's ultimate move. Sheo dramatically tipped his glasses and murmured: "Now."
Suddenly, out of nowhere poured dozens of bishounen: Soujiro Seta, Aoshi Shinamori, Kenshin Himura, Trowa Barton, Kasuki, Hotohori–
"Wait a minute," Sheo muttered before erasing that last person; he disliked FY.
–Tamahome–
"Damn it, not again. Erase, erase…"
–Nakago–
"That's it." Sheo then blasts Nakago into oblivion. "Die."
–Kamui–
"What the–fine, fine, I'll let you live…"
–Fuma–
"On second thought…" Sheo atomized Fuma; he hated gay guys who killed their sisters. Then he killed Kamui, too. "No one is gonna destroy the Earth while I'm around…"
–Touya Kinimoto–
"Thank goodness; it's working again…"
–and the like, especially concentrating on CLAMP and RK bishies.
Mai stopped dead in her tracks. "What the?"
Sheo pointed at his opponent and grandly yelled: "BISHOUNEN NO JUTSU!!!"
All the bishies simultaneously unleashed their charm. The end result was that not only Mai was hit by the full force of the 'pretty boys' barrage, but also all the other girls in the area except Sheo's harem, Dizzy, May (all being protected by Sheo's will) and Justine, the last glomping the insensible Sol. Naturally, all the girls swooned to see all those cute guys.
"Curse– you– Sheo…" Mai managed before fainting from charm overload. Of course that was the Box talking; Mai herself was in bliss.
"I'm in heaven," Michiku mumbled before following Mai's lead. Next to her Chisaii404 was already deliriously unconscious.
"No yaoi?" The partly-affected Athena Asamiya looked disappointed. "Aw…"
Bridget was burying his face on May's shoulder, the latter patting his back comfortingly. "Why, why, why do people keep reminding me of the Harem no Jutsu I pulled off Broomhead? Why?"
"Sheo did it!" His harem mobbed the author, who was grinning in embarrassment from all the attention from Tessa, Kirika, Rei and all the other girls.
The dimensional door opened again and out stepped Kaiser Rouga II with Father Duo Maxwell, S.J. "Am I late?" the former asked.
"Father Maxwell, welcome back. We've missed you!"
"Ripping the Matrix off again, Sheo?"
"Maytrix? Why is it named after me?"
"Never mind…"
"And so I now pronounce you, man and wife." Duo beamed at the couple he married. "You may now kiss the bride."
Ky lifted the veil on Dizzy's head. As everyone cheered save Sol –the last fending off Justine's unwanted attentions– they kissed.
And that was that.
OMAKE
CHAPTER FOUR TRAILERS!!!
Yuuki gathered all her confidence as she paced in her secret headquarters. "They will pay; they will be made to pay! They will learn to feel the fury of That Girl scorned!"
She gestured to the darkness a la Mitsuki Rara from Dual. "True Child of Justice, come forth!"
Red eyes gleam evilly in the dark as a nine-foot tall shape towered over her mistress/creator: The ultimate weapon ever created.
"They will learn what justice means. And you will teach them that!"
A sibilant but frightening voice hisses:
"KYO-KUN…"
In the wastelands, forgotten, a box with the label of SBC Packaging lays upon its side on a pile of dirt. The side facedown in the dirt was the one bearing its face, so it is unable to do its evil glare.
"Well, now," a voice intrudes. "It seems that you were defeated again."
The box would have glared if it could.
"And since Sheo so conveniently forgot to deal with you, I think I'll do it myself."
Was that a pathetic wriggle coming from the box, as the person talking to it picked it up?
"The Philippine post office hasn't seen you in quite a while… so, it's time for a reunion. Let's go, Jer!"
The Box of Doom Mk II could only silently vent its ire as Shou Tsuzuku –whistling by himself– carried it off to its doom…
"Welcome to the aquarium channel. Tonight we feature the unique fish known as the PLAPLAMAN. It is a fish that lives in both fresh and salty water, has a dour expression on its face most of the time and likes being such an asshole to all of its neighbors. It is not good for eating and is pretty strong as it knows judo and wrestling. It also reads hentai. Again, ladies and gentlemen: The PLAPLAMAN."
On a deserted island somewhere off the coast of Mindanao, the conflict-stricken southernmost major island of the Philippines and home to Islamic fundamentalist rebels and kidnappers and trigger-happy AFP Marines galore…
Two people must set aside their differences…
"Loser brother to a bishie cross-dresser!"
"Tomboy best friend to a girl with squeaky shoes!"
…or not, if they can't– in order to survive daunting terrain…
"This is the, what, the fifteenth mountain we've climbed?"
"Twenty-first, moron. Can't you count?"
"Where's GPS when we need it?"
…hostile natives…
"Uh, cute mo naman, ha, iha." (Hey, you're cute, aren't you, girl?")
"Get away from me, old pervert."
"At anong gagawin mo?" ("And just what are you going to do?")
"ELECTRIC TORPEDO!!! PSYCHO CRUSHER!!!"
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
"Wow. She can do that?"
…getting caught in a running battle between the military and the MILF rebels…
Through a massive exchange of gunfire is heard the yells of a author-created character who's caught in the middle of the crossfire.
"Cease fire! Cease fire!"
"Uy, sino 'yun? Si Jericho Rosales ba?" ("Hey, who's that? Jericho Rosales?")
The gunfire ceases as cries of "Autograph!" resound.
"Thank you very much, Jack."
"Oh, shut up…"
…and other fearsome obstacles that lay before them…
"Yuck! They call this food?"
"I wonder how toasted chicken legs got to be called 'Adidas'? Hmm; doesn't taste bad…"
"Ew. You're disgusting, Jack."
"Hey, this is what they call balot!"
"Balot?"
"Partially cooked duck egg with the fetal duck inside mostly developed."
"YUCK!!!"
"And this is isaw!"
"Isaw?"
"Toasted chicken intestines."
"…Barf bag… need a barf bag…"
…without killing each other…
"That's my shirt!"
"Well, it's mine now!"
"It's my only clean shirt! Give it back!"
"Why you–"
…or accidentally doing a Naru-Keitaro situation…
"–PERVERT!!!"
This is the Sulu archipelago. And this game is…
Outlive… Outplay… Outlast…
SURVIVOR (BATTLE ROYALE): SULU
"Thank you very much, Sheo…"