GUILTY GEAR
The Wedding Night
The Series
Conceived and Written by: Sheo Darren
Unfortunately, it seems that the inanity of this story is not just due to his sleepiness or writing it at 4 AM on November 1. Sheo should have had gotten better friends and advisors. Of course they keep popping in and out of his stories; that's the bad news. The worse news? Sheo is still sleepy. You have been warned.
Rated PG for some violence, inanity, confusion, multiple anime crossovers, commentary, author's self-inserts, dragging the good names and stories of other unsuspecting writers into the mess, advertisement of author's other stories, etc, etc.
Coupling: Ky Kiske and Dizzy.
Sheo Darren does not own Guilty Gear and all the stuff he's ripping off. He wants to have Tessa, Kirika and Rei all to his own. And all of the other girls previously mentioned, too. And he also wants an Ultrasaurus, the real thing, the carrier Zoid with artillery cannon and triple A batteries and depth charges and Zoid minions. And he takes back all the bad things he said about Chloe before. CHLOE ROCKS! OH YEAH! And he sends this message to Sho Tsuzuku: "Wait."
The Wedding Night Series
Arc One
Loveshorn Knight and Angel Wings
Episode 4: Old Men Never Die; They Only Get Older!
Within the vast expanse of her temporary headquarters that hovered in space –and what a massive and mighty fortress it was, this artificial moon whose name will not yet be mentioned for plot purposes–, That Girl (also known as 'Yuuki' and 'the Mariemeia Khusrenada/Mineva Lao Zabi clone') ponders her next move as she analyses what resources are available to her. Revenge is first and foremost on her mind: She will teach the impudent older generation the power of an author-created character gone wrong, horribly wrong!
Fortunately she had acquired quite a substantial amount of cash, more than enough for her needs. She snickered at the thought of Bill Gates waking up and finding out that he had lost all of his bank accounts. Damn Microsoft, indeed, for back when she was still designing the Gears after the disaster with the future Sol Badguy, Yuuki had tried using Windows 95 as an experimental OS for her first flight of units. It was a disaster, to say the best, whose details will not be discussed here save for the terrifying frightening words 'Blue Screen of Death' (a problem also inherent in the Robot Ky and Robo Ky Mk 2 GGXX #Reloaded units save for that one rogue free-willed Robo Ky, but those weren't That Girl's creations, so why should she bother?) Her current Gear designs used Linux software on Macintosh platforms: Rock stable and excellent performance, if she could say so herself.
I-Nou and Raven were still loyal to her, and that foolish Brit boy who time-slips every now and then could be depended upon to play the trusting idiot who unconsciously carries out her plans. For that matter, Yuuki did not time-slip in the last chapter, as she did not have the time-slip power. She simply used a Town Portal scroll set to her personal retreat. Diablo II's gaming system rocks; she just wished she could somehow use that level 80 character of hers in the game for a minion in the real world.
And so she considers an issue of great importance, one that surpasses anything and everything in its sheer enormity and dire need of solution.
"The air conditioning sucks. I should have it fixed."
That was the problem with buying things second-hand at last-minute closing time 50%-off sales bargain shopping in Virra Mall while a fire was merrily burning down the entire place: You always got far less than what you bargained for. In fact, the guy who sold her this super space fortress was a shady-looking character, who kept keeping an eye out for whatever he feared: Cops, fellow cheapskates or his wife.
"I should have known buying the Death Star for a hundred bucks was a lousy deal. Bad air conditioning, no heaters, no hot water for the baths and no cable TV: What else can go wrong?"
On the surface of the planet, Piccolo looks up at the clearly visible shape of the Death Star hanging in the night sky… exactly like a full moon. "Oh, shit."
Behind him, a gigantic gorilla was spouting mega energy beams at everything in sight.
"Damn Saiyyajins…"
Yuuki tiredly tipped her glasses, though better of it and ditched the large spectacles aside, and leaned back on her chair's back rest for a minute's break, just to get rid of that annoying migraine inside her head…
…And found herself was looking up at a rather imposing cloaked figure who looked down on her with a sinisterly pleasant smile.
Yuuki rocketed over her desk and away from the mysterious man. "Who are you? How did you get here?'
"Ah," the sinister voice said, "But the question should be: Who are you? Why are you here?"
"Are you trying to mess with my head?" That Girl tipped her glasses back upon the bridge of her nose. "I do that to other people, but I don't like people doing it to me."
"True, true, but I am not an enemy so you need not fear me."
"I'll be the judge of that. Hey!" Her eyes practically jumped out of their sockets. "You're Sho Tsuzuku!"
"Finally, you have got the spelling of my name right. Indeed. I am Sho Tsuzuku."
"This encounter being cliché already, I have to ask: Why are you here?"
"You wish to defeat Sheo Darren, don't you? That is particularly difficult considering that this is his fan fiction– but it is a possibility."
"How did you know– never mind. Go ahead."
"You are indeed an apt pupil. Well, let me tell you this." Sho Tsuzuku made a grand gesture while doing his speech. "If you wish to defeat someone, you must know his strengths and weaknesses. Discover an opening, penetrate his defenses and so deliver your sweet revenge that will be born in good time thus while you enjoy your brutal domination of him!"
"The way you talk, it's like you're implying something sexual."
"What the–never mind. Next advice is this: If you wish to hurt someone like Sheo, you will achieve this not just by attacking him but by attacking those around him."
"That's easy. He's got lots of girls he likes, and three of them especially so."
"Teletha 'Tessa' Testarossa, Yumura Kirika and Ayanami Rei, right?"
"Yeah. So?"
"I'd suggest this plan." Sho explained his plans to the interested Yuuki, who was nodding at the logic of the idea. "You will need allies, of course."
"Already working on it."
"Any other weakness of Sheo's that you know?"
"Well, he does keep complaining about his computer, the one he uses to–" Yuuki's eyes light up. "Write his fan fiction…"
Sho Tsuzuku smiles just as evilly. "There's a start."
Newly-wed husband and wife Ky and Dizzy Kiske celebrated their successful wedding with all their friends and family. The party lasted quite well into the night and was, at the most, a peaceful occasion marred only by a few mishaps and incidents that could not be avoided.
For example:
"Chattanooga! Oh yeah, Japanese food! All mine!"
"What the–where did that ninja come from?"
"Stop him! He's taking the cake!"
"Hah! Find me!"
"Sheo, do something!"
"Let me pick up a random pebble first… okay…"
"Ow! Bull shit! God damn pebble! I'm dead…"
"SLASH!"
"Stupid drug addict ninja with no defense…"
Yes. Ninja are renowned for spoiling romantic situations.
And:
"SOL~CHAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNN!"
"What? Still alive after Omega Rugal beat you?"
"Yes! My love for you exceeds his power and so sustains me onwards! You are the true source of my power! And so, I come back to you!"
Cheesy romantic music plays out loud.
"Lone Wolf, Sheo, I am so gonna kill the two of you!"
"Sheo, are you sure that it's wise to let Sol go around armed like that?"
"He poses no threat to me."
"I know. The question is: What about me?"
There is a long pause. "Good question, Lone Wolf. But, hey, there's Hibiki waiting for your dance, and we got to get the plot moving now."
"Oh. Okay."
"And by the way…"
"Yeah?"
"How by Kirika, Tessa and Rei did Justine get beaten?"
"Um, Omega Rugal is pretty powerful. And Justine was distracted."
There is another long pause, while Lone Wolf is fidgeting and wondering what kind of temper Sheo has. "And I really needed a plot device…"
"Oh," the Filipino author said, much to his fellow writer's relief. "Okay. But you did give Omega Rugal a lot of firepower, you know. He's bound to cause trouble. Speaking of which, I think I'll deal with him later."
And still:
To the tune of Beauty and the Beast, Hibiki and Lone Wolf SIX are now dancing a romantic waltz. The latter gives Sheo Darren –inconspicuously tending to the stereo system– a look of suspicion:
"Sheo, are you trying to tell me something?"
"Perhaps; you did get Justine beaten up by Omega Rugal. Just kidding; wait for a moment while I switch CDs…"
The speakers loudly play Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody, much to everyone's consternation or amusement.
"Um, let me fix this for a while…"
Aside, Sol looked rather pleased, enough to start tapping his foot in rhythm or at least until Justine glomped him again.
"Let's dance, Sol-chan!"
"Damn it…"
"Ah, here it is!" His glasses flashing triumphantly, Sheo presses the play button. Appropriately for the event, the romantic ending theme of Gundam F91, Hohoemi wa Hikaru Kaze no Naka (Smiling Within The Eternal Wind), plays.
"That's better. Hey, everyone, let's start dancing!"
"Maru de kanashimi no kakera da wa, machi wo tozasu GARASU iro no yuki, ashita wo sagasu hitomi sae mo, kumorasete yuku no yami no kanata…"
Everyone got partners for the dance. Hibiki with Lone Wolf, Athena Asamiya went with Blackheart Zero, Chisaii404 paired with TRUE Unknown, Michiku with Kaiser Ryouga, May with Bridget, Ky and Dizzy, Father Anderson and his nun sidekick Yumiko, and the rest. Johnny was conspicuously without a date and wondering where Millia was: "I should have invited her."
"…Mishiranu chikara ni nagasarete kokoro ga dokoka e hagureteku, harisakesou na mune no oku de kodou dake ga tashika ni ikite iru…"
Additionally, Sheo had the problem of having about forty girls to spin around. He managed to convince them to line up by height and dance one by one with him before switching. Johnny tried to hitch even just one of the girls.
"Sheo, can I borrow one of your girls?"
"No, Johnny. You can't."
"Please?"
"No."
"Pretty please?"
"Still no."
"Final answer."
"Someone please hit this man very hard?"
"Selfish writer…"
"I also control much of what happens in this fiction, mister." With that a giant pink Haro from Gundam SEED appears and begins attacking Johnny.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
"HARO! HARO!"
"…Hikaru kaze no naka kikoete kuru anata no koe, "Pray don't break a peace forever" sono kagayaki wo shinjite iru…"
Not too surprisingly, April and Jack were missing. When Dizzy worried about them a bit, Ky reassured her: "Sheo told me they were fine. They're off on this Survivor rip-off in an exotic location and having the best of fun…"
Off somewhere within the Sulu archipelago off the southern island of Mindanao, amidst the occasional staccato burst of automatic weaponry and the rarer artillery fire and the even rarer air-to-mud missions, two battered and desperate souls are wearily trudging through the never-ending rain forest.
"That is it," April muttered as she stomped through the muddy excuse for a path up the steeply-inclined mountain. "The next time I see a Greenpeace guy clamoring to save the forest, I'm going to kill him."
"Show some spirit, April." Jack seemed cheerful enough despite their misfortune, intentionally slurring the first two letters of April's name to make it sound like a certain large bipedal primate. "After all, this is your home terrain, right?"
April's response will not be published due to severity of her wording.
Suddenly the bushes before them burst into activity as two dozen or so men, all heavily armed and looking dangerous, surrounded the two.
"Aha! May mga Kano na naligaw a!" (Aha! Looks like some Americans got lost, eh!"
"Ayos, boss, may kita na naman tayo!" (Great, boss! We're gonna get some cash again!)
"The Abu Sayyaf?" April asked Jack. "They're the local rebels, right?"
"No. Opportunistic criminals branded by the local government as terrorists."
Following his goons was the boss of them all, a guy who looked like a robot and was vaguely familiar. "WELL-DONE-MY-MINIONS. WE-WILL-GET-WHAT-WE-NEED-FROM-THEM."
"You look like Ky," April said.
"WHAT?" The guy seemed offended. "I-AM-NOT-KY!"
Jack noticed that the speaker's eyes glowed and that he seemed to have keys for ears as well as resembling Ky Kiske. Suddenly he realized who this was:
"Robo-Ky!"
"WHAT? HOW-DID-YOU-RECOGNIZE-ME?"
"Duh, it's like, easy. You have glowing eyes and weird ears and look like Ky. Who would mistake you for anyone else?"
"CURSES! I-MUST-GET-AN-UPGRADE-LIKE-ROBIN-WILLIAMS-IN-MILLENIUM-MAN!" Robo Ky gestured to his Abu Sayyaf minions. "TAKE-THEM-HOSTAGE. THEY-KNOW-WHO-WE-ARE!"
"But, Robo Ky!" April looked distressed. "Why are you doing all these evil things? I mean, you're the single free-willed Robo Ky, right? Why take up your lot with evil kidnappers?"
"IT-IS-NONE-OF-YOUR-CONCERN, HUMAN."
"Yes, it is! What will Sumomo say?"
The mechanical warrior came to a sudden halt. "SUMOMO…"
"Yes! What will she say sacrificing her life just for you to do all this?"
"See Lone Wolf SIX's Guilty Gear vs SNK Chapter 7: Steal This Gear) for more details," a voice from above suggested.
Jack blinked several times in surprise. "Took you some time to do that again, eh, Sheo?"
"Wouldn't Sumomo be sad if she saw you doing all this?" April was asking Robo Ky. Rob Ky seemed to do his version of an angst-laden blink before saying:
"THIS-IS-FOR-SUMOMO. SHE-NEEDS-MONEY-TO-BE-REPAIRED."
(Flashback shortly after Guilty Gear vs SNK Chapter 8 where Rikku was repairing the damaged Sumomo for Robo Ky.)
"She took damage, but she can be repaired. However, her new parts are pretty expensive. You'll need quite an amount to buy what you need."
"I-WILL-GET-THE-MONEY. YOU-REPAIR-HER. I-WILL-PAY-YOU."
"But Sumomo will be unhappy if she learns you are doing what is wrong!" April was in tears, and the Abu Sayyaf bunch was moved by her eloquence to start crying, too. "Consorting with bandits? I think she sacrificed herself so that you can be you: The one true Robo Ky with self-will!"
"SHE-WILL-BE-SAD?" Robo Ky thought of Sumomo sad. He didn't like that. "I-DO-NOT-WANT-SUMOMO-TO-BE-SAD."
"Then stop this at once! Onegai, Robo Ky! For Sumomo!"
"Tama yung bata! Oo nga!" the Abu Sayyaf bunch agreed. (The kid's right! Yeah!)
"BUT-HOW-WILL-I-GET-THE-MONEY-TO-BUY-HER-REPLACEMENT-PARTS?"
Jack seemed to be considering an idea. Grinning all of a sudden, he explained his brainchild to his companions.
Back to the wedding party:
Bridget caught up with Ky as Johnny temporarily danced with Dizzy. "Hey, Mr. Kiske, I need to tell you something."
"What is it?" Though he had gotten beaten up and that entire crap last chapter, Ky was in a good humor. To prove it, he added, "Quatre?"
"Don't call me Quatre. Anyway, I got to warn you about your nuptial night."
"What is it now?"
"Back in the first The Wedding Night, I got to marry Dizzy, right?"
Ky frowned. He didn't like that idea.
"Well, anyway, I got to tell you to be careful. If this story is like the first release, it's about to get crazy."
"And you consider the story to this point not crazy?"
"Trust me, Mr. Kiske; you haven't seen crazy yet. Don't be overconfident. I came in like that and look where it got me. Just be careful, okay? Like, lock the doors and make sure there isn't anyone in the closets. I don't know if that will make a difference, but I sure hope it will."
"Thanks for the advice. I'll keep that in mind. Oh, and by the way…"
"Yeah, what is it? So long as you don't call me Quatre…"
"Sure, Quattro."
"I AM NOT CHAR AZNABLE! EVEN LESS SO HIS ALTER EGO QUATTRO (Censored!)!"
"Fine, fine. Hawk of Endymion, I need some tips on the nuptial night."
"Tips? What for?"
"Hey, you're married, right? May's your wife. So I guess you already did it, did you?" Ky was blushing as he admitted all this. "Well, I haven't, so I need advice."
"After all that yaoi fan fiction featuring you and Sol plus the occasional Dizzy and Millia pairings, you still don't know how to do it?"
"Will you just tell me what I need to do?"
Bridget grinned mischievously. "Nah; It's a lot more fun when you don't know and try all sorts of things to get it right." I should know; I got to do all of that with May! Ooh, that was so fun!
"BRIDGET!"
"Suffer the consequences! And thanks for calling me by my real name again!" Bridget laughs as he runs away from Ky, making the latter wonder if all the people Sheo was encountering were affected by the said author's Field of Absolute Inanity. Taka Ichiku was right: This entire story was nothing more than a half-hearted repression of Sheo's perverted–
BONK!
"Ouch. Where did that anvil come from?"
"Apparently, Johnny's fate is not an object enough lesson. Now behave."
As the party wore to its end, Sheo –exhausted from having danced with all his girls at last and whacking people who kept on saying that this entire story was merely a barely-suppressed expression of his hentai tendencies– decided it was time to get some really badly needed sleep. Bidding the other authors and characters a good night plus a friendly goodbye kiss on Dizzy's cheek–
"SHEO!"
–and so was forced to give all of his girls kisses on their cheeks as well, he took his 'harem' out back to the waiting Ultrasaurus to rest.
Kirika Yuumura was dutifully following Sheo and the others when something caught her attention. Curious, she walked over to a shadowy part of the area and knelt down to look at the small white ball of fur sitting before her.
"Meow?"
"Miss Kirika!" The cherubic pair of Tomoyo Daidouji and Jeanne d'Arc –the former Princess of all Japan, the latter the Iron Maiden of the X-Laws– was bringing up their company's rearguard. "Let's go back, it's late already. Sheo wants us back at once."
"Haii. Go ahead; I'll follow."
"Wow, she talked to us!" Tomoyo was gushing happily. "I should have brought my camera so I could have recorded it!"
Jeanne shook her head gently in amusement at her friend.
Kirika looked around to see if there was anyone in the area before unobtrusively picking up her new object of interest and catching up to the rest of them.
With the guests gone, Ky and Dizzy retreated to the nuptial room Sheo had booked for them in the 5-star hotel. All the while the two were blushing in embarrassment at what they were going to do. There they were, newly-weds in their nuptial room in order to consummate their love for each other– and all they were doing were sitting side by side, glancing at each other shyly and blushing all the more.
"Well," Ky began to break the ice. "Shall we?"
Blushing, Dizzy nodded.
Very hesitantly Ky reached over to his wife to stroke her hair. This time, there weren't any overprotective Systems or gothic gay rocker dudes in tube tops to get in the way.
(At the Mayship a good distance and altitude away, Necro and Zio were having a date, Johnny was reading St. Tale a bed time story and Undine was being a bitch and all that. Meanwhile, a kid was poking the immobilized Testament with a stick.)
Then–
"Hey! Who the hell are you guys?"
This was Ky's outburst at a bunch of people who scurried into the room and began setting up video cameras, stage lights, idiot boards and chairs. "What the hell are you doing here?"
Who else, but the guys from Virra Mall; the porn salesmen? "Oh, didn't we tell you," the boss among them said, totally without shame as if he did this everyday–which he did. "We do porn movies, too."
"This is our nuptial night! Get out!"
"That's exactly why we're here! We got paid to video the wedding. The entire wedding, that is…"
In his room in the Mayship, Johnny –who arranged the entire thing– comes to a stop as he feels he had forgotten something yet again.
"What now, Johnny-san?" St. Tale asked.
"Uh, oh..."
The door to the room burst open yet again, surprising everyone in the room. In stomps this blonde man in martial arts fighting uniform and who's old enough to be Ky's father. He's also very familiar to all Fatal Fury and KOF fans as a duly hated boss character with cheap moves–
"Aha!"
–And his accented English is also very famous in the entire gaming world for being so silly. Yes, it is who you think he is!
Geese Howard –'The Most Powerful Man In The World'– glares at Ky. "So, Terry, you are just here!"
"Who the hell are you?" Ky was really perplexed now. "And why are you calling me Terry?"
"Hah! You think that after more than one and a half centuries I will be dead? No, Terry! I am Geese Howard, the 'Most Powerful Man In The World'! I cannot die!"
"Do you know this guy?"
"No, Mr. Ky, I've never seen him before. And why does he call you Terry?"
Geese's eyes bulged insanely as he saw Dizzy. "So," the man grated angrily at Ky, "You would think to take away my son's girl friend, eh?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Hah! You would dare take away the only cute girl in Garrou who is betrothed to my son?" Geese got into his arrogant fighting pose. "How dare you, Terry! With your record of getting your girlfriends killed off, you would think things will change? You pedophile! You're old enough to be her father!"
Dizzy began counting how many years old she was. She came up with four fingers, noted Ky's age was twenty-eight or something, blinked, and scratched her head.
In the frame of the blasted doorway, a handsome young man with blonde hair and jacket appears. "Uh, dad," he tells Geese, "There's something you need to know…"
"Later, Rock. You dad needs to inflict some pain upon the hero of the Fatal Fury game. Once I'm done, you can take him on next."
"Dad, that guy is not Terry Bogard and that girl is not Hotaru. Hotaru and I got married just earlier. We sent you an invitation."
"I did not receive one." Mentally, Geese was thinking: That must have been the letter I thought was from Terry that I shredded. "Well, if this girl is not your wife, so be it."
Ky sighed in relief.
"BUT! I will not let this opportunity pass me by!" Geese aimed his well-muscled arm at Ky. "Fight me, Terry! Let us see if you have gotten better after all these years!"
Ky face-palmed, sweat-dropped, the works. "I should have believed Bridget when I still could…"
"REPPUKEN!"
"Kawaii!"
"Aw, it's so cute!"
"Hey, let me look, too!"
"Like, totally adorable!"
It was not hard noticing the huddle of girls around Kirika. Curious at what was afoot, Sheo walked over to them, flanked by an equally interested Tessa and an equally disinterested Rei.
"Hey, girls! What's this?"
Kirika held up the object of their intense delight: A little white meowing ball of fluff and fur that was a cute and adorable kitten.
Sheo's smile vanished. "A kitten?"
"Haii. Can I keep him, Sheo?"
The author looked like he was rather unhappy, which made all the girls worry. If Sheo didn't want the kitten to stay, it had to go.
"I don't like cats," he said finally.
Kirika's face took on that angst-laden one she always sported when mourning her incapability to feel loss at killing people, a very effective tactic that she used without her knowing how effective it was or that she was doing it already. "Onegai? I only had one pet before, but he ran away from me." (see Episode 6 of Noir)
Uh, oh, Sheo thought, knowing what was going to happen.
"It's so cute!" Tessa petted the kitten on the head and it nuzzled her hand affectionately, meowing. "Oh, he likes me! Sheo, let's keep it!"
Looking to Rei for some sign of support, Sheo knew it was over the moment the blue-haired girl bent over the kitten to give it a cursory glance and then looked at him. Though the First Child, ice queen exemplar, had not been won over, neither was she interested in protesting.
Sighing immensely, Sheo nodded in surrender. "If you girls will promise to take care of him and make sure he's housebroken and all, I guess it's okay with me."
Everyone cheered. Smiling at the atmosphere the girls had created, Sheo shrugged off his melancholy and asked: "What do we call it, then?"
Kirika blinked just once and then asked: "How about Sammy?"
Sheo thought that was a great name, considering Guilty Gear was produced by Sammy and that Daisuke Ishiwatari just might forgive him yet for crossing the story over so crazily, as Sir G complained twice earlier. "Okay, Sammy it is. Welcome to the Ultrasaurus, Sammy." He reached down hesitantly to pet the kitten.
Chomp!
"Aray."
(Ouch.)
The first attack had blown up the entire room and everyone within it. Ky was just getting up again when Geese began to pummel his ass.
"REPPUKEN! DOUBLE REPPUKEN! MISOUGI! TATSUMAKI SENPUKYAKKU!" Geese paused for a moment after he executed that last move. "Wait, that's not a move of mine."
"Damn you!" This was his chance to even things up; Ky drew Thunderseal and attacked. "Ride The Lightning!"
Not batting an eyebrow or breaking a sweat drop, Geese caught Furaiken's blade as it came down and tossed Ky all across the entire screen with incredible force. "Predictable!"
Ky was slower to get up this time. "This is… impossible!"
Geese laughed. "What do you expect, Terry? I had grown in power ever since we last fought! Even though you use a sword now, you have actually decreased in power!"
Ky attacked again using rapid slashes. Geese did the 'Dragonball Z' rapid block with one hand while the other was sending a text message to Rock stating that all was fine, your daddy is enjoying himself and Terry is a loser. Then he Reppuken-ed Ky all over the screen again. Ky crashed down and stayed down.
"You are such a loser, Terry," Geese said. "Is this all you can do?"
Ky gasped: "How can an old man like you be so powerful?"
"Hah! In the fighting game universe, old men never die! We just get older and more powerful!"
The scene cuts to show M. Bison, his ugly square mug gloating as he charges up for Psycho Crusher.
The scene again cuts to show Akuma charging up for his super-cheap fireball move.
The scene once more cuts to show Dracula seated upon his throne of skulls, holding his glass of wine and doing his infamous lines.
The scene yet again cuts to show Heihachi Mishima practicing his Hammerhead Crusher moves on his pet bear.
The scene cuts for a fifth time to show Kliff Undersn, Ky's mentor, drinking tea with a red dragon.
And again: Cervantes is laughing evilly as he attacks Xianghua, Kilik and Talim.
You know what happens. This time it's Omega Rugal, enhanced by the Orochi system and laughing.
The scene (you guessed it) cuts to show Happosai stealing lingerie.
Suddenly 'Hello, Mr. Badguy' begins playing again out loud. Sol and Justine appeared. The former was toting Fuenken and an entire case of beer while the latter –Justice reborn as an Athena Asamiya remake who kept changing her clothes every appearance she made– was dressed up in a sexy short skirt and tank tops and beret and looked like a waitress at a bar.
Sol gave Ky a glare, said, "You loser," and walked away, Justine in adoring tow.
"Hey! Aren't you going to help your son-in-law?"
"Later. I've a drinking spree scheduled with Slayer. Damn cheater of a bloodsucker makes do with wine while I have to be content with beer."
Speaking of Slayer…
The scene cuts to show Slayer composing haiku while Sharon prepares the table for the late-night drinking marathon he and Sol will have. "Sharon, do please take out the 1895 I've been saving for this special occasion."
"With the cask, dear?'
"Ah, yes, please. It's the one in the old oak, the wine finely pressed by the feet of dancing fulsome maidens, though it's not very hygienic. But I'm a vampire, and my guests are Gears. Germs don't matter."
The scene cuts to show Sol glaring at the camera–
"F*** you."
"No! Do it to me, Freddie! Me! Me!"
Blackheart Zero appeared and began his explanation: "Justine has the Elissis syndrome –'you follow the person who can kill you if he wanted to'– while Sol is a pedophile. After all, he's all of 145 years old while Justine is how old? Seventeen or eighteen? Plus the latter is willing to give it to him. What a life."
"Hey! Physically, I'm seventeen; physiologically I'm just two; psychologically I'm usually a cheerful ditz but sometimes psychotically violent as my Justice phase; emotionally I'm Athena Asamiya (the fighter, not the authoress) but less chirpy and much cooler; and romantically I am Freddie's one true love!"
"I hate you. I hate you all."
"Hate begets love, hate leads to love, hate can actually be love disguised. Quoth the Blackheart: Nevermore!"
Sol just took a long slug out of his Colt 45 and wondered just how long this day would be.
Back to the fight scene: Geese laughed. "Even your allies refuse to help you! Now you will truly lose, Terry!"
Ky clenched his fists. "No! I will not lose!" He sees an image of Dizzy in her birthday suit–err, as he wipes away his nosebleed, Ky sees her in a really hot swimsuit– no, a dominatrix outfit– wait, why was he suffering sukebe fan boy syndrome? "Curses!"
He was seeing Dizzy unhappy because he lost and died and left her all alone. He saw Testament convincing Dizzy to come over to the Dark Side. He saw Dizzy blasting Testament with Gamma Ray and joining Yuuki's group instead and Sol forced to kill Dizzy like in the GG Drama CD. Now that last outcome got him out of his trauma!
"For Dizzy's sake! I need more power!" Ky dramatically reached out to the sky. "Master Kliff! Give me the power!"
The sky above, full of thunderclouds, answers by sending a huge lightning bolt to strike Ky.
KABOOM!
"Ouch."
Geese was laughing again. Then his laughter died when he saw Ky slowly rising from the smoking crater, the blonde knight radiating immense energy. Ky was now wearing a sakkat helm that hid his face and was holding a monk's holy staff in his hands.
"What? What is this?"
Ky raised his head to reveal his eyes glowing white with power. "I AM RAIDEN! GOD OF LIGHTNING! AND I~HAVE~THE POWE~R!"
The theme from the old He-Man cartoon begins playing out loud.
Next follows a fight scene so full of lightning blasts and explosions and Thundaga and Quetzalcoatl and Ixion and Mjolnir that the entire landscape was rearrange into something like a war zone. Needless to say, Ky whoops up Geese's ass big time.
"And prepare to be finished!" Ky charged up for his final ultimate attack, the Space Thunder (conveniently copied from UFO Grandizer.)
Geese suddenly got up. "Hah! You are going to use the Buster Wolf on me, ah, Terry?"
Ky's brow furrowed, but he kept on charging up. "No."
"Old men cannot be killed, Terry! Their defeats are always dramatic!" So saying, Geese runs over to a conventionally high place and throws himself down from it.
"Geese!" Ky yells, as Geese plummets to his doom laughing all the way.
The scene cuts to show M. Bison exploding because his Psycho powers overloaded.
The scene again cuts to show Akuma's island sinking into the waves because he self-destructed it.
The scene once more cuts to show Dracula's true form burning away as it gets clobbered by Richter's 'Maria Install' Ultimate Holy Tornado Full Of Glowing Cross attack.
The scene yet again cuts to show Heihachi Mishima being tossed into a volcano by Kazuya.
The scene cuts for a fifth time to show Kliff Undersn, Ky's mentor, being blasted into bits by the original Justice before she turns on Ky and clobbers him and then fights Sol and is sufficiently weakened to be sealed by Ky.
And again: Cervantes is stomped by the giant Ultrasaurus that appeared out of nowhere. "Nobody messes with Talim in my fiction," Sheo growled from the huge Zoid's bridge.
You know what happens. This time it's Omega Rugal, and here comes Justine for their rematch. "I sneaked a kiss off Sol!" the girl chirps before firing off her powered-up Gamma Ray (actually, Sheo calls it Angel Laser now since Justine doesn't have the armor anymore and just summons wings like I-Nou's) and since she got to kiss Sol and was all perked up with that, the Gamma Ray was more like the SDF-1 Macross' main gun reflex cannon in terms of firepower. Good bye to Rugal.
The scene (you guessed it) cuts to show Happosai destroyed by the Ultimate Doomsday Force Weapon Machine of Destruction That Rivals Even Perky Justine's Ultra Giga Cheese Laser Attack That Is Gamma Ray: Chii and Black Chii, singing a duet of "Chii!" and totally annihilating the old man through their sheer cuteness.
Having no use for the Space Thunder he charged up, Ky turned off his powers and looked around. "Dizzy?" It looked like his wife had run off when the battle started. Ky sighed and began looking for her.
When he entered the last undamaged room in the hotel he found a small form huddled beneath the sheets of the king-sized bed. The gentle sound of a girl sleeping could be heard emanating from the shape.
Ky smiled. Poor Dizzy, she must have gotten tired and nervous from all the stress from today. There was absolutely no reason why Ky would want to wake her up, not even for sex. "Tonight can wait," he decided as he simply slid underneath the covers, next to Dizzy, and slowly dropped off into slumber. He felt a bare arm reach out to him and wrap around his waist in a familiar and comfortable manner, and wet lips press slightly upon his cheek before withdrawing back into the cushiony comforts of the bed.
"I could get used to being married," Ky decided as he slowly drifted into sleep…
…Which was cut short when the door slid open, a guy snuck in and suddenly yelled: "Tadaima!"
Ky bolted straight of the bed. He caught sight of the blonde guy in the jacket just as the latter also caught sight of him.
"What the–who the hell are you?"
"I should be asking that question! What the hell are you doing in bed with my wife?"
"Your wife? What did Dizzy have to do with you?"
Beside Ky the form underneath the bed sheets stirred and mumbled.
"Dizzy? I don't know any Dizzy, pal, but if I were you, I'd slowly move away from Hotaru."
"Hotaru?" Ky was really confused now.
…And then behind the blonde guy in blue and white peeked in a familiar face with blue hair tied up in twin locks with yellow hair bows and sharply contrasting crimson eyes.
Dizzy.
"Mister Ky?"
Ky gaped at the sight of his wife staring at him. "Dizzy! But, if you're there, then who–"
Grumbling cutely from having had her fitful sleep disturbed, the girl beneath the bed sheets sat up and yawned, the covers sliding off her petite body. She had blue hair identical to Dizzy's –they were even tied up the same with wit hair bows, albeit the latter used red ones, not yellow– and the same cute face. However, she had blue eyes.
Hotaru yawned widely, rubbed at her still-sleepy eyes, blinked a few times and said: "What is it now, Rock?"
There was a long silence as it descended upon everyone that Ky looked like Rock and Dizzy looked like Hotaru and that the pairing was all wrong, horribly wrong.
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"
"Well done, kids and Robo Ky," the Army officer was telling April and Jack and Robo Ky. "You've rounded up these dangerous criminals pretty easily. Here's your reward."
He hands them lots of money for the capture of the Abu Sayyaf bunch. The kidnappers aren't unhappy about this all; they're actually posing for the cameras and enjoying their fifteen minutes of infamy.
"Won't they get into trouble for this?" April was asking Jack.
"Nah. Do you know how easy it is to escape from even the most secure prison in the Philippines? Ask al-Ghozi himself."
"I never knew you were actually clever and all that."
"Praise from you? Are you sure you aren't sick, April?"
"Shut up. So, is that enough to buy Sumomo's spare parts, Robo Ky?"
"YES-IT-IS. THANK-YOU-VERY-MUCH, APRIL-AND-JACK. I-OWE-YOU-IMMENSELY. ONE-DAY-IF-YOU-NEED-MY-HELP, I-WILL-COME." With that, Robo Ky breaks up into many pieces and flies away to buy what he needs to save Sumomo.
"That's one guy who has a happy ending," April observed, her new ponytail sort of attractive in a messy sort of way to Jack.
"The only self-willed Robo Ky?" Jack smiled, which made him look quite cute, actually, in April's mind. "I think we'll see him again some day."
"Yeah. So, Ash, should we get going?"
"Sure, Misty."
"Pika?" a yellow electric mouse asked from behind them. "Pii-Pikachu!"
"No more Pokemon inserts!" a chorus of voices in the background yell. "We told that to Lone Wolf years ago!"
Suddenly, out of the ocean rises a gigantic Godzilla-sized purple dinosaur. No, it is not Barney from the previous chapter; it is the Purple Dinosaur! A stupider and much more of a loser version than Barney, this creature projects an AR Field (Field of Absolute Riel-ity) which distorts reality all around it and makes everything stupid!
"Ah!" the Purple Dinosaur roars. "I am the Potato! Feel my fury!" It takes out a giant combat knife and begins slashing at Pikachu, who dodges and fights back using lightning. "Aray! You are hurting me!"
Suddenly a gigantic fish came out of the sea, takes out a similar knife and began backstabbing the Purple Dinosaur. "Ha ha, Potato mo ang sarili mo, Riel!" yells the giant PLAPLAMAN as he attacks. (Ha ha, Potato yourself, Riel!)
"Argh! Stop that! I am the Potato!"
At the same time, the sharp barks of an M1 Garand can be heard. "Ha, Riel, nakikita kita!" the unseen voice declares as he fires off his rifle (Ha, Riel, I see you!).
"Argh! Putangina mo, Taka Ichiku! Nasaan ka na!" (Argh! Damn you, Taka Ichiku! Where are you?"
The Purple Dinosaur goes down from a headshot from the Garand; Taka Ichiku had snuck up on it and shot it point blank with his rifle.
Taka Ichiku killed Potato with M1 Garand head shot.
"Argh!" the Purple Dinosaur swears as it dies. "I will not make libre (treat) to you anymore!"
April and Jack stare at the spectacle for a while longer, shake their head, shrug and walk away.
"Filipinos… crazy…"
OMAKE!!!
TRAILERS FOR CHAPTER FIVE!!!
Geese Howard was still falling when a strong gust of wind caught him and put him down on the ground gently.
"What? Who dares interrupt the awesome demise of the Stronger Man In The World?'
"Geese Howard?" the voice of a girl asks. "It appears that you need some help."
"Hah! The Strongest Man In The World does not need help from a cute little girl like you!"
"Actually, I'm not little and I'm one of the oldest girls in One. But I am cute, and I am powerful. Want me to prove it?"
"Do not make me laugh, little girl, for I am–"
"REPPUKEN!"
Geese just barely blocked the attack and did his counter throw on the girl. "Predictable!" He is surprised to find the girl landing on her feet unharmed. "Impressive, girl. You know my own move and how to react properly to the 'Predictable' throw unlike Terry. Who are you?"
"My name is Nayuki. I am from Eternal Fighters Zero. I am a servant of The Box."
"A what?"
"Not a box. The Box. We have need of you, Mister Howard. You would do well to join our group. We can offer you what you want the most if you ally with us."
"I have never joined a group; I have always led a group. But… this might be interesting. Will I get to fight Terry?"
"Yes."
"Excellent. I agree to your terms. And by the way–"
"Yes?"
"Your Reppuken is imperfect but shows much promise. Would you like to perfect it?"
"Yes."
"Then we will begin your training at once!"
"Are you okay, Sheo? The bite looks bad."
"Yeah, yeah. Stupid cat, biting me on the hand when I was just going to pet it…"
"Gomen, Sheo-san. I didn't expect Sammy to bite you."
"Don't worry, Kirika-kun, it isn't your fault. It's just that–OW!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry, Sheo! I overdid the antiseptic!"
"Tessa-chan, please don't overdo the cleaning…"
"It has to be cleaned regularly."
"I think that is just an excuse so you can hold my hand for a long time."
Tessa blushed while the other girls looked envious.
"But why did Sammy bite only Sheo?"
"If anyone here decides to start quoting Dual on me, I will spank her. Really."
A long pause, then: "Maybe he bites you because he likes you?"
Another long pause, then: "Rei-san, please hand me my slipper. Kirika, could you hold Nene for me; I'm just too tired to chase her down."
"Waah!" Sound of feet running away, plus feet running after her.
Sigh. "By the way, Skuld: How's the new armor unit going? The one I asked you to make a few weeks back?"
"Final installation is complete. The systems all checked out green. Live-fire weapons testing are 195% above pre-trial predictions. The Phase Shift II armor has proved to be as durable and capable as we envisioned it. My creations really rock!"
"Great. We'll need that Reinforce unit pretty soon for Justine in the big battle scene in the next chapter, so finish it ASAP, okay?"
"Yes, Sheo!"
"Meanwhile, I'd better start planning my next chapter. With Ky and Dizzy married off, I wonder who I can pair up…"
Baiken Seishino glared at the cameraman, said, "Die," and stabbed him a million times. "Damn paparazzi. What the hell am I doing here anyway?"
"Need a hand?" Axl asked and was promptly Instant Killed.
"Die!"
"Anyone need an eye?" a private eye asked. He, too, got Instant Killed.
"Die hard!"
TRUE Unknown appeared. "I thought you could only IK once?" Then he dodged Baiken's third IK and ran away. "Die harder!" he yelled at Baiken in amusement.
"TRUE Unknown, I'll kill you one day," Baiken promised fatefully. Fateful music begins to play, while the audience goes "Aaaahhh…"
"Die hard: With a vengeance."
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! We're dead."
"Kenshin! Kenshin! Kenshin clone with one eye and one arm!"
"Argh! Don't call me Kenshin! Die!"
The camera gets slashed, turning the entire screen black.
Blackheart ZERO poses against the limelight: "Quote the Blackheart: Nevermore!"
Again.
Meanwhile, a bunch of people are trying to hold down Anji Mito and making him wear Levi's jeans and Polo Sport shirts.
"But, Mr. Mito! You're a model! You must wear what the director wants you to wear!"
"AAAAAAHHHHH! KEEP AWAY FROM ME!"
"But, sir!"
In the ensuing melee, Anji's finger grazes the polo shirt; his reaction is like someone being electrocuted. "The pain! The agony! The horror! The tragedy!"
"Isn't that a rap song?"
Anji summons his spirit dragon and runs –err, flies away. "Normal clothes... the kind that hide my awesome abs… terrible!"
"Hmm, that idea poses promise."
"Meow?"
"Hello, Sammy."
"The cat again?" A groan from Sheo.
"Say sorry to Sheo, please."
"Hiss!"
"Stupid cat. I ought to–"
"Sheo!"
"Fine, fine. By the way, can someone check my e-mail for me? Bloody cat bit my bloody writing hand. Thanks, Rei."
A few minutes of idle chitchat pass. Sammy the kitten is giving Sheo the death glare and Sheo is suppressing an urge to violate the law concerning animal rights and just doing something violent.
"Sheo, the computer is not there."
"What? What do you mean it's not there?"
"It's gone."
A rush of feet out of the room, then back into the room rushed Sheo. "Where the hell is it? Who moved it?"
"Meow."
"I wasn't asking you, feline. Damn it, just when Yuuki decided to run off and play evil, the whole story is going– wait a minute! YUUKI!"
In the Death Star –the air conditioning having been repaired to a usable extent– That Girl reviewed the women and mecha arrayed before her very seriously. Behind her was Sho Tsuzuku, rather pleased with himself. Behind them was a certain 4 computer recently taken from the Ultrasaurus: Sheo's very own P computer, the same one with lots of pictures of Rei Ayanami and a dozen of Kirika's and exactly four pictures of Tessa.
"You have been here for a purpose. That purpose is revenge. In the next chapter of this fan fiction we will launch a crusade against the great evils that all of you struggle against! We will teach your respective foes the meaning of fear, terror, weakness and justice!"
There is a massive explosion nearby; Justice Mk II (Kagura Version) is going berserk and picking on anything nearby. Currently her target is Raven, who is being prepared now for 'Orbital Destruction' a.k.a. X-Laser. Nearby, I-Nou is lying senseless on the floor, victim of an SBC combo.
"KYO-KUN! ANATA MO SUKEBE WA! SUKEBE, SUKEBE, SUKEBE!"
"Um, excuse me for a while." Yuuki ran off to tend to her errant minion while two of her three new troopers sported sweat-drops on their foreheads. Sho decided to pick up on his ally's dialogue and said:
"Well, we are basically here to kick the ass of the people who annoy you. Are there any questions?"
The redhead with long hair raised a hand. "Are we going to be limited by rules?"
"No. Do your worst."
"Good."
The Oriental woman with pinkish eyes asked: "No holding back?"
"Yes."
"Understood."
The girl in the hunting cloak said: "Will I get to see Noir?"
"Yes."
She simply smiled and said, "Noir."
In the darkness, it waits.
While the Box of Doom Mk II was being forcibly dismantled by the Philippine postal service –the postal equivalent of getting raped by the same sex– it had returned to life in order to temporarily replace its now abandoned and arguably inferior body for a new one.
This is an upgrade. Upon its side are the words 'balikbayan' (home comer), signifying its new shape and power. An even more evil aura emits from it.
In the darkness, two new eyes gleam evilly.
Sammy the cat meowed, scratched himself, and then his eyes gleamed meaningfully. "Meow…"
"Putsa, nawawala na naman ako." (Damn it, I'm lost again.)
Earl Osborne chomped down on his unlighted cigarette and swallowed it whole as he shouldered his AK-74S and grumbled: "Boss Sheo, nasaan na kayo?" (Boss Sheo, where are you?)
Music from Saving Private Ryan begins to loudly play as the Ultrasaurus changes course.
"This means war…"