GUILTY GEAR
The Wedding Night
The Series
Conceived and Written by: Sheo Darren
Did you really think that, with Ky and Dizzy married off, the insanity would end? Sheo certainly doesn't think so. If you want him to stop, send him exact real-life versions of Kirika, Tessa and Rei plus the Ultrasaurus he keeps on harping about and maybe Chloe too. It's worth a try.
Rated PG for some violence, inanity, confusion, multiple anime crossovers, commentary, author's self-inserts, dragging the good names and stories of other unsuspecting writers into the mess, advertisement of author's other stories, etc, etc.
Coupling: Baiken Seishino and Anji Mito.
Sheo Darren does not own Guilty Gear and all the stuff he's ripping off. He's very full of energy (and by that he doesn't mean it in a Chii-like way) but could use more sleep. Does anyone out there know of a cheap and safe sleeping pill for him to use? No, Chipp, he is certainly not going to buy from you. And just for that, this chapter will be a Chipp-bashing galore… though Sheo feels that there's something bad waiting for him towards the end of this story. He just can't put his finger on it.
The Wedding Night Series
Arc Two
Pink Katana and Stopping Fans
Episode 1: Flashbacks Galore!
Baiken Seishino –disabled (but in no way helpless and incapable) swordswoman in that she was missing an eye and an arm, grumpy Japanese wanderer driven by her hatred towards Gears and That Man (actually, That Girl), and GG's Kenshin Himura clone– was not having a good day. And seeing how the opening for this chapter having been almost perfectly lifted from the first chapter of The Wedding Night 2, everyone who has read the previous arc's four chapters know what this means: Trouble with a capital T, as in Mr. T.
First off, at the ending of the previous chapter, Baiken had been forced to waste a lot of time and energy Instant Killing a bunch of annoying people: A brave martyr of a cameraman, ready to die for his network's scoop or merely because he was unlucky enough that the author dumped him there for no reason at all asides to be a target of the latest reincarnation of Hibiki Takane's overdrive move–
(Guess what? Flashback time again!)
Baiken Seishino glared at the cameraman, said, "Die," and stabbed him a million times. "Damn paparazzi. What the hell am I doing here anyway?"
–That Brit kid who time-slips, was decked up in such silly colorful clothes and named after that guy from Guns 'N Roses that Daisuke Ishiwatari so admired–
(Here we go again!)
"Need a hand?" Axl asked and was promptly Instant Killed.
"Die!"
–A private investigator, whose very role and lines were again lifted from a forgotten chapter of Blackheart ZERO's fan fiction The Incredibly Zany Guilty Gear Story–
(Hurray! Just like TWN2's Chapter 1!)
"Anyone need an eye?" a private eye asked. He, too, got Instant Killed.
"Die hard!"
–Guilty Gear fan fiction writer TRUE Unknown, who was the first guy to flame the original The Wedding Night and who gives Sheo Darren a minor problem typing-wise in that the second part of his name almost always gets misspelled before this story's author notices and is forced to correct it–
Sheo Darren blinked as the camera focused on him. "Wait a minute; we're supposed to do a flashback here. And I don't have the computer, so quit bothering me."
"You really keep on misspelling my name?' TRUE Unknown asked.
"Yes. Now go away, the story has to go on now…"
(Here's the flashback now…)
TRUE Unknown appeared. "I thought you could only IK once?" Then he dodged Baiken's third IK and ran away. "Die harder!" he yelled at her in amusement.
"TRUE Unknown, I'll kill you one day," Baiken promised fatefully.
–The whole audience of the story, as they had made the mistake of murmuring fatefully "Aaaahhh…" for emotional and dramatic effect while Baiken was pissed off and so died senselessly, innocent of any serious wrong, really, save that Sheo is a sadistic person indeed–
"And I thought that with Yuuki gone, I'd have a saner story." Sheo drank deeply from his mug of water and sighed even more deeply. "Guess not…"
(Yes, we're still not done with the flashbacks…)
Fateful music begins to play, while the audience goes "Aaaahhh…"
"Die hard: With a vengeance."
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! We're dead."
–And the final, tragic victim: Rurouni Kenshin's Kaoru Kamiya, struck with the misfortune to have mistaken Baiken for someone the latter's character design is, at the very least inspired, the legendary hitokiri battousai who does pose a striking resemblance in physical terms and in fighting style–
(And yet another flashback…)
"Kenshin! Kenshin! Kenshin clone with one eye and one arm!"
"Argh! Don't call me Kenshin! Die!"
And then Blackheart ZERO got to appear again and pose, increasing his visibility with the readers and giving him a new incentive to drag Sheo into his own stories in repatriation: Eye for an eye?
(The last flashback? Aw.)
Blackheart ZERO poses against the limelight: "Quote the Blackheart: Nevermore!"
Again.
(End of flashback…_
Indeed, Ebs and Sho Tsuzuku had told Sheo that the reason this story is popular with Blackheart and Lone Wolf SIX is that it caters to their images and makes them feel good. Plus, it doesn't hurt to be kind to 'special appearance' people.
(Wow! There's an extra flashback! Yippee!)
From The Wedding Night 2: Arc 1, Chapter 1
"Still alive? Whatever happened to Blackheart?"
"Somewhere pleasant; I am a softie, after all."
The scene cuts to show Blackheart suddenly in Canada and inside a very surprised but cutely cute Athena Asamiya's room.
"Blackheart ZERO?! What are you doing here?"
"…This ain't half bad…"
(Okay, end of flashbacks. For real, this time… we hope…)
"And he ripped off Die Hard too," Baiken grumbled to herself. "What is the matter with this world? More so, what is the matter with this author? Next thing he'll do is throw that arrogant twerp who thinks he's Japanese at–"
Before she could finish, her words magically prophetic, out of thin air popped Chipp Zanuff, American druggie-turned-high-speed-ninja-with-no-defense-whatsoever.
"Hey! I can block!"
"Right," the voice of Sheo Darren echoed across the sky. Apparently, even without his computer, the author can still project his voice.
Baiken picked up a pebble and threw it at Chipp. Chipp dodged and made a face at her.
"Hah! You're not Sheo Darren! You can't hit me!"
"Damn Japanese wanna-be…"
"Bullshit! I am so Japanese! Maybe I was born in America, but my homeland is Japan! It is the birthplace of my spirit, and my true home!"
"And now you rip off TheArchimage as well, Sheo? Die."
"Find me!" Chip vanished in a jiffy, leaving only leaves in his wake.
"Damned day," Baiken growled to herself, sheathing her sword. "What next?"
"Oi, Baiken nee-chan!"
Baiken was tempted to bury the good side of her face into her remaining hand at that call–or to bury her sword into the speaker's guts. "Kami-sama, what had I done in my previous lives to deserve this?"
As Ky had two evils in his life, one greater (Sol) and the other lesser (Jam), so did our 'Pink Katana' (to lift the title of a fan fiction in this same segment) have two such evils. One was, as already mentioned, That Girl. The other was a certain pompous fellow Japanese, neo-politician, potential boardwalk model and the only person who somehow managed to get the better out of his regular encounters with her without having to lose too much blood or getting too many bones broken –in fact, he relied on wit alone, and that made Baiken wonder why she let this twit stay alive so long…
As his gigantic makeshift transport came to a stop, Anji Mito jumped off gracefully, a hand snatching up the rapidly shrinking Stopping Fan and slipped it back into his costume's sleeves. Sashaying like he had no care in the world, he gave Baiken a companionable and cheerful grin. "Ohayou, Seishino-san. It's an absolutely wonderful day, isn't it?"
"You hadn't thought to read the first pages of this chapter, did you, Mito?" When he looked puzzled at that remark, Baiken shrugged off her sarcastic commentary and added: "What is it now?"
"You don't look happy."
"The day I look happy is when That Man is dead –or the world ends or I'm your wife, the last of which is impossibility, so don't get your hopes up."
"Just you wait!" The invisible Chipp's voice ominously echoed from nearby. "This story was not called 'The Wedding Night' for nothing!"
"Still there?" Baiken picked up a lot of pebbles and threw them in the air. By chance, one of them fell squarely on Chipp's head and knocked him out. "Die."
"Ugh! I'm dead…"
"Slashed!" announced the GG fight announcer, before retiring to the cafeteria to have a drink with the KOF and the Capcom vs SNK announcer.
Baiken grumbled at her exertion and told her fellow Japanese: "Of course I don't look happy, you moron. What do you expect? You've read my character profile, right? Today sucks unless I get a chance to kill That Girl"
"Well, to tell the truth, today didn't start out so well for me, either. Some psychotic nut at the models office tried to make me wear ordinary clothes." Anji shuddered at the memory.
An impatient-looking Sheo glared at the camera. "I may not be writing this story right now, but can we just get on with this? Eh, Yuuki?"
(In the confines of her headquarters at the Death Star, Yuuki grins at finally getting the chance to manipulate the story's flow for her own purposes. She loved 'flashback' scenes, to the point of abusing them like hell. But since the scene in particular is a bit long, she decided not to follow up anymore.)
"To quote Jack," grumbled Sheo, "Waste of good bandwidth space. Well, Yuuki, I'll get you this time…"
Below and around the Filipino author, the mighty Ultrasaurus lumbered towards its target: The Death Star.
"So," Anji piped up happily. "What do we do now?"
"How about this," suggested Baiken, eyeing her companion the same way one who hadn't gotten enough sleep would regard a particularly chatty songbird who didn't know how to sing but still sung, and at in the wee hours of the morning. "You shut up and grant me peace of mind this morning, and I'll let you stay in one piece and without damage?"
He grinned sheepishly and a bit apprehensively. "Now, now, no need to get violent for nothing…"
Suddenly there was an eerie sound above their heads. Baiken and Anji looked up and saw, of all things–
"A giant yellow rubber ducky?"
It was, indeed, the ubiquitous bath toy, swollen to gigantic proportions and blotting out a good portion of the sky and quacking. As Baiken and Anji stared, struck dumb and wondering what kind of sick mind dreamed this all up, a panel within the bottom of the 'giant rubber ducky from hell' opened and a weird beam shot out. The beam caught Baiken within it and dragged her up into the sky and into the giant duck's single opening.
"Ah! That woman needs saving!" So saying, Anji went into his 'superman' mood (from his second GGXX ending: "I must protect that woman!") and flew to Baiken's rescue upon his flying fan.
Out of nowhere and into his way came a swarm of MiGs, Sukhois, Yaks, LaGGs, Mirages, American fighters starting with the letter F and ending with lots of numbers, Star Wars spacefighters with names using the letters of the alphabet and ending in -Wing, Veritech Fighters, Core Fighters, and one lone red Fokker 'Red Baron' tri-plane from World War I, all there to stop him. Anji easily shot down all of them–
"Hah! Can you say Marianas Turkey Shoot, anyone? Wait; the Americans won that one. Oh, well…"
–except for the Fokker, which somehow got behind him despite its inferiority in speed and agility, opened fire with its piffling machine guns and blotted Anji out of the sky.
"There is something wrong with this picture," the Japanese man commented as his Stopping Fan fell towards the ground.
Lone Wolf SIX watched the speck in the sky trail smoke as it plummeted to the ground. He had witnessed the entire air battle and was surprised to see Anji lose out to the grossly outdated Fokker. A grimace creased over his face as he turned to face his companion.
Takane Hibiki uncrossed her arms and raised one knowing eyebrow, smiling as she did. "I believe I won, Lone Wolf-san?"
"Yeah, you did, Hibiki. I guess dinner tonight is on me, then."
"Arigatou."
"How the heck did you know the Fokker would win?"
"I didn't."
"Then why'd you bet on it, then?"
She shrugged her shoulders companionably. "Nothing, really. It was colored red, after all. I'm biased."
"So a whim got you to start our bet?"
"Haii."
"Right… So, where do you want our date for tonight?"
"Jam's restaurant, I guess. I'll be filling orders until eight, and then I'm free for the week."
"I'll hold you to that, Hibiki-chan. But before that, I'm just have to attend to something right now–"
"LONE WOLF!"
The GG author gave his girlfriend –yes, you read it right; girlfriend– a sheepish grin as two familiar and almost identical couples stomped over to him. "Here we go…"
"Lone Wolf!" Ky Kiske was one very outraged Frenchman. "I demand a fight in your GG Versus SNK fan fiction in order to restore my honor!"
"Yeah, we want a match!" This was from Rock Howard, who looked just as pissed off. "I'm going to teach this French punk not to mess with Hotaru!"
Behind them were Dizzy and Hotaru, each giving the other the best death stare they could come up with but still somehow looking cute. It seemed that their quarrel back in the seventh chapter of GG VS SNK hadn't fully blown over, not yet.
Lone Wolf pretended to give the matter consideration, but since angry Ky and angry Rock combined was enough to pose a threat to him –notwithstanding that they both had powerful girlfriends as back-up, plus Ky getting Raiden powers just recently– he was forced to agree. "Well, I haven't featured you guys yet in any match, so I guess it's doable. But," and here he paused dramatically, "I don't know if I can put you in the next chapter yet, so you have to wait."
"You'd better," growled both blondes.
"Yeah, yeah." Aiming a glance at the ceiling, Lone Wolf added: "Thanks a lot, Sheo. I needed an idea for that particular story."
"Don't thank me," returned the story voice. "It's Yuuki's fault! She has the computer; she's the one messing the fan fiction up…"
"Silly Sheo," Hibiki commented. "Just when did you start thinking of these excuses to exempt yourself from your responsibilities?"
"Since Sho Tsuzuku persuaded me not to make myself such an almighty powerful guy in my own fan fiction. Damn you, Rocky, you hypocrite: You suggest all sorts of advice but never follow them yourself!"
"Sheo, are you sure you're not delusional or schizophrenic?"
"I was going to say 'I hate you', Hibiki, but since I don't hate you –in fact I like you a lot, save that Lone Wolf got to you already so I can't add you to my harem –err, my buddies… ah, what the hell…"
Lone Wolf shrugged. "Oh, well. Let's just see what happens next…"
Baiken was both asleep and awake. She could see, but her sight was dazed and dim, and there were bright lights shining right into her eye, disorienting her. She could hear voices all around her, but she couldn't feel her body or make herself move, drugged as she was into near-insensibility. She had, however, enough perceptions despite her sluggish condition to realize that whoever had captured her was messing with her body through whatever horrible medical means they took.
Basically, it was several hours of 'the worst things to hear when you're in the operating room'…
"All right, students, today we study how to dissect a human body in preparation for drastic surgery. Since all of you flunked the last exam –not to mention your patients died due to your imbecility– we will once more try again, this time with a live specimen…"
"Quit joking like that, Sho. You should know surgical operations like this make me nervous. And I'm a bit squeamish, too..."
"And you're a mad professor who created the Gears?"
"At least I'm not Faust."
"WHATTA SAYKO! Lemme give her the anesthetic up her ass!"
That last exclamation was enough to make Baiken wonder if she would survive this operation.
An hour passed by…
"I thought you had the arm?" a chorus of voices simultaneously exclaimed.
Later…
"Wow! That was cool! Can you make her leg twitch, too?"
Later yet…
"Scissors… scalpel… magic wand… Super Glue… Scotch tape… spit and bubble gum… Side-effects include a long list of debilitating conditions, plus you start seeing dead people. Surgeon General's Warning: Magical healing is not for everyone. Please consult your doctor before you contemplate this. The doctor is in: Doogie Howser, MD. Doctor, Doctor, I am sick…"
"Faust, will you just shut up, please? We're trying to work here…"
And still later…
"Uh, oh. Everyone, step back: I think I dropped my contact lens!"
Finally, after what seemed like eternity, the unfeeling helplessness began to fade away. Baiken dropped into drowsiness, but not before she heard a voice saying:
"This should be fun…"
April and Jack looked up at the source of the whooshing sound and found –not to their surprise, since this story is clearly insane, but it did make them gape in disbelief– the giant rubber ducky flying over them and off to wherever it meant to go.
"Now, that," April said, "Was the weirdest thing I've seen this past chapter."
Jack could only nod in agreement.
They were in a marketplace in Sulu, looking for food to buy. There was a pretty decent stall there whose vendor knew some English (April: "Thank God for that. I'm tired of hearing 'Ja ka mawatan' one too many times, whatever that means.") The man also sold real food –enough of the taho and balot and adidas, hurray! A decent meal at last!
As Jack reached into his pocket to pay for the supplies, he went very still. "Um, April?"
"Yeah, Jack?"
"We've been getting along pretty well enough since the past chapter. I've been considering that this period of truce between us is quite useful in that I don't have to expend too much energy unnecessarily, and I'd like it to go on, if you don't mind."
"Fine. What else?"
"Promise me you'll stay calm."
"For what?"
"Just promise me; the reason doesn't matter."
"You're weird. Fine: I promise."
"Something more solid?"
"Okay: I promise by Johnny and May's good name that I will stay calm and not go berserk."
Jack forced a grimace and said: "I lost our money."
Long moment of silence.
"WHAT???"
He backed away slowly as the furious girl advanced on him. "You promised you'd keep calm…"
"Promises were made to be broken," she growled. "You total IDIOT!"
"No money?" the vendor asked.
"YES!" April shrieked at him.
"Oh, okay." The man had a toothy grin. "You need money, you get money easy."
Both April and Jack paused and stared at him. "Really? How?"
"Easy." He gestured at the Jellyfish pirate girl. "How much girl cost?"
April and Jack stared at him even deeper. "Excuse me?" the former demanded.
"How much she cost?" the vendor asked Jack again.
He was blushing and of a mind not to agree for, despite being in debt and hating April a lot, Jack was after all a pretty decent lad. So: "Sorry, she's not for sale."
"Oh." The man had a conniving look on his face. "She your wife?"
"NO!" both youngsters exclaimed in shock and embarrassment.
"She your concubine?"
April was really tempted to rearrange the vendor's features while Jack was as red as a tomato. "NO!"
"Oh, well." The vendor shrugged again. "There is other way to pay off debt. Follow me now…"
"As long as it doesn't involve selling me," Jack mumbled, as he and April followed the vendor deeper into the market's crush.
When Baiken woke up, her head throbbed like a gong hit a million times, her body ached just as badly, and her vision was spinning wildly as if on a Mach 5 carousel. But she seemed to be whole –as whole as someone who was missing an arm and an eye– though she was not yet sure she was still alive.
"Kami-sama, am I in Rekai (Heaven) now?"
"Breezy mo' fo's!"
"Correction: I'm in hell."
Somehow Baiken managed to get up and stagger off and away, all the while ignoring Chipp who was in one of his druggie rages and throwing shuriken at the winds. She was feeling so bad that she swayed worse than ten drunks loaded on vodka and given a hundred go-around spins before being directed down a zigzag road, and her vision see-sawed between okay and fish lens images. She was lucky to spot the familiar restaurant by the ways.
"I need a drink," Baiken grumbled as she half-crawled, half-lurched towards the Kuradoberi Restaurant…
Inside the Death Star, Yuuki grinned to herself: "Ha! Unlike Sheo and Lone Wolf, I can spell Jam's last name right!"
That Girl was so happy, she didn't notice her long range radar monitor blinking a warning as something huge was coming her headquarters' way…
Inside the bridge of the Ultrasaurus, Sheo Darren gave the Death Star in his view port's sights a grim smile. "Here we go…"
Jam Kuradoberi was being unhappy in the corner of her restaurant. Having lost her darling Ky Kiske to some half-Gear girl and just having repaired her restaurant from getting a beating when she crash-landed on it following Sol's Tyrant Rave Air Express, she was understandably depressed.
Her restaurant was quite full tonight. At one corner were Lone Wolf and Hibiki, being so romantic and all in their date. At another spot were two local GG fighters who didn't wear shirts: Johnny and Potemkin. Testament hogged an entire table and seemed to have been drinking for quite some time now: There were at least three dozen bottles of beer on the table, and the former Gear was still slugging away. He was still depressed after losing Dizzy. The pedophile…
At a shadier and darker table were six cute and familiar girls who were seated all around a large box. Yes, the six were the infamous Eternal Fighters Zero retinue to the Box of Doom Mk II, but they had informed Jam that their master was no longer to be called Box of Doom. It appears that the SBC package had seen its last days in its old guise and had gotten an 'upgrade': Bigger, meaner and nastier, with the words 'Balikbayan' on its side now and a more evil glare and even more insane powers.
"Weren't there seven of you?" Jam had thought to ask when she wasn't in her funk.
Mai Amasagawa, the speaker for the group, shrugged. "One of our companions is currently preoccupied."
"Come on, little girl, I know you can do better than that."
"I'm not a little girl. I'm one of the oldest in our group, in fact. Now: REPPUKEN!"
Insane laughter precedes the response of "Predictable–huh?"
"DELAYED REPUKKEN FOLLOW-UP STRIKE!"
"Impressive. I never thought anyone could actually chain my Reppuken move, much less somehow defeat my 'Predictable' throw."
"Am I doing better now?"
"Much, very much." Geese Howard laughs companionably. "You are the daughter that I never had, girl."
Misaki shrugged. "At least this time no one mistook me for a certain sleepy-head teammate of mine."
Beside Mai, Nayuki stirred slightly, murmured "Who called me?" and then promptly fell asleep again on her huge Keroppi plush toy pillow. The last chapter, Sheo had mistaken her for Misaki.
Just then, Baiken stumbled into the restaurant. She was feeling slightly better now and decided a drink would help out a lot, so she stomped over to Jam's counter.
"Welcome to Kuradoberi Restaurant." The Chinese cook was not her happy self right now. "What would you like the order?"
Baiken grunted and said, "The usual."
"Which is?"
A vein began to throb on the Japanese swordswoman's forehead. "You know."
Jam was unimpressed. "Lady, I haven't the time and patience to dawdle with you. What would you like to order?"
Baiken so wanted to chop her into bits right now, but she didn't trust her sword hand to be up to it. So she decided to humor this stupid girl and said: "Sake. The strong, heady one."
"Why didn't you say so at once?" Jam turned away to get the order, muttering: "Weird woman. Looks and acts exactly like Baiken; even orders the same thing in the same gruff way…"
Though the object of that remark heard that, her head was hurting far too much to let her think it over. Jam came back a few minutes later with the order, and Baiken began her usual hobby of drinking by her solitary self, a moment of self-reflection that usually was interrupted when–
Being his playboy self tonight, Johnny suavely slid over to her side and said: "Hello, lovely lady. My name is Johnny, and that's the name of my Overdrive as well. Want to see it in action?"
Baiken grumbled to herself. Apparently the Jellyfish Pirate had forgotten all too soon the recent lesson she had given him in swordsmanship and in leaving alone people who want to just be by themselves and drink.
"Johnny, if you had half the balls you claim to have, I wouldn't be surprised if you'd scored on Millia already a hundred times."
He blinked in surprise at that comment. "Err, do I know you? Since it seems that you know me quite well enough…"
Baiken smacked herself on the forehead. "Go away. I'm not in the mood to play this silly joke you and the Chink are up to. Or would you like to have a date with my sword instead?"
Perplexed, Johnny walked away. Baiken could hear him tell Potemkin: "She acts almost exactly like Baiken the last time…"
"Da," the big man told his friend. "Women are all like that… save Dizzy…"
The throbbing vein on her forehead grew marginally bigger.
The sliding doors to the restaurant opened yet again; Baiken felt her senses prickle and knew just who had entered. When she heard the cheerful voice still chattering away despite having been shot down earlier this chapter, she wondered if God was making fun of her.
A bit bruised and scratched but nothing serious, Anji pranced into the restaurant. "Hey, good evening, everyone!"
The entire restaurant fell unnaturally silent as everyone inside gave him withering stares, save for Hibiki who briefly waved at her fellow Japanese in greeting before returning to feeding Lone Wolf a forkful of meatballs.
"What a bunch of prepossessing fellows," Anji mumbled. As Baiken would not want to have it, he went over to her side of the bar, right beside her. The pink-haired woman prepared herself for yet another hour or so of arrogant prattle–
"Excuse me, onna-san," Anji asked respectfully, "But could I sit here?"
Baiken blinked. No 'Hey, Baiken nee-san, how's it doing' crap from him?
"Uh, sure."
"Thanks." He ordered a drink then said: "Mind if I talk with you a bit, friend?"
Here we go, she thought. "Go ahead," Baiken grumpily said. I wonder why I tolerate this dummy–and what's with the different approach this time? Friend?
"Well, for starters, I've got this girl I like. I like her very much, but she doesn't like me. As in, most girls are still okay when they don't like you, but with here, you have to start running or risk getting disemboweled. I don't mind getting kicked around by her, though. It's a quirk of hers, makes her what she is, and I guess I like that too. No sense in getting a totally compliant wife; where's the fun in that?"
Baiken was very much taken aback by the straightforward way Anji described her and the way she acted, like he didn't know the person he was talking to was the very one he was talking about. Not to mention the fact that he wasn't angry at her or anything for pummeling his ass the last year or so. He even liked it, and though Baiken had seen it expressed a lot of times before, this took masochism to the limits…
"Err, Anji," she delicately began, trying on a friendly advising voice for a change. "Aren't you like, intimidated by this girl?"
"No, of course not! Her attitude is refreshing compared to my fellow countrymen in the reserves! Plus, I get to travel around with her and look for That Girl. Adventure beckons!"
"She doesn't seem to like you," Baiken said in a faltering voice.
"Well, one day she'll like me. I just have to keep proving myself to her."
This guy is obsessed with me, she thought. Maybe love does make the world go around. Baiken caught her thoughts then and:
What the hell am I saying?
"Okay. Okay. That's it." Standing up and glaring at the curious Anji, she snapped: "That's it. Enough with this."
"That's it what?"
"That's it. I've had it with this joke on me. Can the person who thought it up please stand up so you can die right now?" As she spoke, Baiken drew her razor-sharp katana from her sheath and waved it, just to underline her point. "Or are you too afraid to own up to your silly gossiping excuse for a mouth?"
"See?" Johnny gestured to Potemkin. "She threatens just like Baiken."
"Damn it, you chauvinistic pig!" The Japanese swordswoman was very, very angry now, and for good reason. "There you go again!"
"What is it with you, miss?" the confused Anji asked. "What's wrong?"
"And you!" She brought her free hand, the one that was not holding her sword, to form a fist a few centimeters away from his face. "You're in cahoots with this bastard, too, aren't you?"
"Now that you mention it," Anji drawled carefully, wary of the sword, "Johnny's right: You do act like Baiken."
"I AM BAIKEN!" she shrieked at them.
The entire restaurant fell silent. Everyone stared at her, even Lone Wolf and Hibiki.
"No way," the GG writer said.
"Yes way," growled Baiken. "Now, I've had a very bad day and had had enough with this little joke."
"What joke?" Jam snapped at her.
"What joke?" She was practically on fire and could have cooked anything put on her head; that was how angry she was. "All of you are pretending you don't know me! Now, who came up with that crazy joke: Sheo? Lone Wolf? TRUE Unknown? Tell me so I can kill him now!"
"Miss, we don't know you."
Baiken whirled on Anji, deciding that since he was the nearest to her and the one she hated the most then he'd suffice for her first victim. As she did, she caught sight of the large mirror behind Jam, reflecting much of the entire room and its occupants in its smooth polish.
The first thing she noticed was that of the Eternal Fighters girls gathered around their liege lord of a box, only five had reflections. Ikumi, the vampire girl, did not have a reflection since she was nosferatu. Also lacking was the Box's reflection.
But the most startling thing she noticed, the one that gave her pause, was of the strikingly familiar woman in the mirror.
Just like Baiken, the woman had pink hair and was dressed in a kimono that was partly open in front, allowing anyone who'd have the mind and the galls to look closely earn some serious fan service points. However, unlike her, this woman had two eyes, an undamaged and very beautiful face without any sort of markings, and two healthy and normal arms and hands.
She did have a sword in hand: A katana, exactly like Baiken's. And she was very much surprised to see her reflection as it was.
You see, the woman Baiken was seeing in the mirror was her own reflection.
She gaped at the image before her, unable to believe that this was her. A question ran through her head: How did I get my eye and my arm and my face back?
(What? There's another flashback?)
"This should be fun," announced That Girl as Baiken slowly fell into a deep sleep. "I hope she likes her new looks. I know that Japanese guy would."
"A clever ploy indeed, Yuuki." Sho Tsuzuku was quite impressed. "You decided to repair an error made by Justice in the past and so eliminated a formidable enemy from your list."
"Indeed." Their dialogue was cut short when alarms began to sound.
WARNING. WARNING. UNIDENTIFIED OBJECT APPROACHING DEATH STAR. DEFINITE ATTACK VECTOR. THIS IS NOT A DRILL, I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
"So," Sho said calmly. "He's finally here."
"Uh, oh," Yuuki mumbled, calling for red alert all over her base as the giant Ultrasaurus came into the outer kill zones of the Death Star.
"It's payback time, Yuuki!" Sheo Darren gestured dramatically at the Death Star. "Fire mission!"
Baiken was stunned by the fact that she was no longer disabled or maimed in any way, at least until Anji piped up:
"Baiken nee-san? Is that really you?"
Something inside Baiken's mind snapped. With a howl of pure fury, she swung her sword around to decapitate the annoying pest–
–and promptly lost her grip on her sword and fell backwards. Apparently, she had not recovered sufficiently from her exhausting surgical operation.
Anji caught her around the waist as she fell. The two Japanese were therefore in a position notable from cinematographic history as one where the debonair guy made the maiden in question swoon before giving her a smooch on the lips.
"What the–Mito?"
"A-Anou, Baiken…"
She couldn't help it, couldn't stop herself despite how wrong and out of character she seemed. Baiken didn't resist, not even as Anji's face dipped down towards hers and his lips approach hers for a kiss. She could smell his scent, though, and for the first time she noted that it wasn't as bad as she claimed it was. So Baiken simply went still as Anji bent down to kiss her…
"Damn," Johnny cursed. "Mito got one before I ever did."
"At least you don't have May bugging you around anymore," Potemkin told him.
Just as Anji was millimeters away from getting to kiss Baiken at last, just as everyone was breathlessly poised at the drama, a spoiler appeared to ruin the romantic moment, a spoiler known to everyone as the greatest bane to romantics everywhere and as a zero-defense shinobi on speed drugs.
Yep. Ninja were the enemy of romantics, the spoilers. And this particular ninja was even more so.
Chipp Zanuff teleported over Anji, stomped hard on the Japanese's head in order to stop his downward fall and fell gracelessly upon his feet. "Oi!" he exclaimed, then turned to look at where Anji was plastered all over Baiken and the floor due his entrance. "Hey, what's the matter with the Japanese boss?"
Baiken got up, eyes blazing. "You STUPID-", she began angrily, then decided to forego the usual exclamation of anger and drew her sword– and then remembered that she had lost it earlier.
"Hah! Find me!" Chipp was going to vanish, but not before Lone Wolf –scowling at the disappearing ninja for having interrupted the romantic scene that could have been him and Hibiki– promptly said:
"To the abyss you go."
A portal rimmed with fire opened beneath Chipp, sucking him into it. The last everyone heard from him was a scream of, "Goddamn bullshit of a Chattanooga-Alpha Blade-Beta Blade-Gamma Blade-Delta End-blind turtle bumps head-aw, what the hell, why am I saying nonsense like this?"
"Because you're Chipp," Lone Wolf yelled down the portal, "The guy who speaks bad Japanese! So, off you go to Blackheart's created characters! Have fun!"
Axl suddenly appeared behind Lone Wolf. "You're gonna pay for doing that to me earlier, Lone Wolf!" He prepared to attack, but then Hibiki was behind him and–
There was a gust of wind blowing dramatically as the 'Innocent Swordswoman' sheathed her pole sword. "Shinu."
Axl had time for one yelp of pain before he too fell into the abyss.
"That was close," Lone Wolf said, grinning at Hibiki who smiled back.
"Still going to do the Ky versus Rock match?"
"I guess, as soon as I can think of a story for it."
"What a crazy turn of events," Johnny said.
Baiken turned around and yanked Anji to his feet. "Err, Baiken," he was sheepishly offering, "I'm really sorry for trying to kiss you, but–"
"Shut up, Anji. There's plenty of time for that later."
"Eh? What?"
"You are going to marry me, right?" She arched the brow of her newly-restored eye in a petulant but refreshing way.
Anji blinked, sweat-dropped, swallowed, gulped, mumbled, "Yes, dear," and then fainted.
Grinning, Baiken then dared anyone to comment. "I like my men compliant and soft. Anybody want to dispute that?"
Johnny raised his wine glass. "Not from this end. Cheers to the soon-to-be-weds!"
"Cheers!"
At his table, Testament broke into tears. "Not again… weddings always made me cry, and for the wrong reasons…"
Everyone in the room PWNed him.
OMAKE!!! Well, not really, considering that this is actually just a continuation of the above. Ah, the hell… Well, here is the big bang last space battle a la Gundam style!
The Death Star shuddered as more explosions resounded from the outside, where the Ultrasaurus was systematically pounding it. Yuuki, however, had only one question in mind:
"How the hell did an Ultrasaurus fly into space???"
"Apparently, Sheo commands a significant amount of power than we expected, even without his computer."
"And you didn't tell me that?"
"You didn't tell it to me either, and you should know him better."
"Right. So sorry, except that to quote Jar-Jar Binks–"
"Don't–"
"–Wesa all gonna die now!"
Sho Tsuzuku wanted to grimace, but managed to restrain himself. "Well, better get our allies here at once to do battle, before Sheo–"
A massive explosion blew the huge blast doors into smithereens and sent billowing smoke into Sho and Yuuki's way.
Into the smashed doors and dressed in black clothes strode the determined Sheo Darren, with Tessa Testarossa, Kirika Yuumura and Rei Ayanami following close upon him. "Miss Yuuki," he greeted coldly, "Welcome back. We've missed you."
Yuuki glared at her former master. "It ends here, Sheo."
"Can we stop ripping the Matrix off now? I'd rather do that in Iron Maiden and Dowser Knight."
"Do you really think just because you're here, the victory is yours?"
Out of nowhere popped a possessed Zappa, screaming as Raoh bellowed: "RAOH IS THE VICTORY!" and running all across the screen.
Sheo smirked. "I see you have not mastered at all the wiles of the P4 computer. And you kept making flashbacks. I expected that."
"So it wasn't as much your insanity as it was your computer?" Sho looked interested.
"Hah! Well, prepare yourself, Sheo, for I have prepared well for our battle!" So saying, Yuuki gestured behind her.
Sheo looked surprised as Sohryu Asuka Langley from Evangelion, Chidori Kaname from Full Metal Panic and Chloe from Noir appeared.
"I'm gonna beat you into pulp, First Child," Asuka threatened before summoning her Evangelion and trying to stomp Rei, who blocked with her AT Field.
"Same for me," Chidori agreed as she got into an Arm Slave and started chasing after Tessa.
Chloe simply gave Kirika a tearful look, cried, "Why? You and Mireille in Paris! It should have been me!" and attacked.
Yuuki pumped her fists into the air exuberantly. "And not only that!" From behind her emerged Justice Mk 2, the Kagura version, screeching, "KYO-KUN," all the while it stalked towards Sheo. Behind her were I-Nou and Raven, and even Sho Tsuzuku seemed ready to fight. All in all, things looked grim for Sheo–
–until new explosions belied that statement.
"What the–"
Into the room came the Box of Doom Mk 3 (Balikbayan version), surrounded by the EFZ girls save for Misaki, the last still training with Geese Howard. "Prepare to die, Sho Tsuzuku!" the Box-possessed Mai Amasagawa declared.
"Why are you on my side?" Sheo asked.
"Sho sent me to the Philippine postal office!" Mai/The Box screeched angrily.
"Oh." That was the Box's equivalent of it getting raped by the same sex. It was pissed off.
"And to prove my good intentions," the Box opened, and out of it came a very surprised Sol Badguy, with Justine Harrier following closely after, the latter in pajamas.
"What the–" Sol then saw Yuuki, glared, and immediately went Dragon Install mode before Riot Stomping I-Nou and Wild Throwing Raven.
Justine rubbed at her sleepy eyes, mumbling, "Slumber party, Sol-chan's slumber party," then saw Justice/Kagura bearing down on her. "Huh?"
"KYO-KUN!"
Sheo gestured. "Now! Skuld!"
Suddenly a beam of light enveloped Justine. Before the stunned girl could react, she was encased within cool-looking body armor that looked like her old armor as Justice save that it was smaller, sleeker and–
"You took out the spike, too," Justine noted happily. "How kind."
"Time for that later on," Sheo told her. "Handle Kagura, please." As an afterthought, he added: "But don't hurt her too much."
Kagura screeched as she opened up with Gamma Ray.
Grinning, Justine powered her new armor up and countered: "FIRAH ANGEH LASAH (GAMMAH RAY MOD ONE)!!!" And since she was the real Justice and had the more powerful weapons, her attack defeated Kagura's and blew the latter's armor off her. Kagura was reduced to this cute girl wailing for Kyo to come and save her from this scary girl.
"Why am I talking like Slayer in Chapter 11 of The Incredibly Zany Guilty Gear Story?" Justine asked curiously. "That should have been 'Fire Angel Laser (Gamma Ray Mod One)…"
Sheo didn't have the time to answer as he was already pulling out an electric guitar with two-stroke motor, yanked at the starter and felt the satisfactory whirr of the appliance. He went directly for Chidori's Arm Slave and smacked it insanely hard on the head: "Itadekimasu!"
Naturally, the Arm Slave went down. "Thanks, Sheo!" chirped Tessa at the assist.
Next Sheo went for Asuka's Unit-02. Tension Gauge at maximum, anyone? The guitar in his hands disintegrated and transformed into mega laser cannon a la Oji The Section Chief, powered up briefly and blasted through the AT Field and turned the Evangelion into scrap metal.
"Two down, one more to go–Kirika!"
Kirika was down on the ground and helpless as Chloe prepared to deliver her last attack. But before Sheo could even react, a small ball of fur ran over to his mistress and put himself protectively in front of Kirika.
"Huh?" Chloe went as Sammy the kitten hissed at her–
–Before he transformed into a feline humanoid with Gatling guns and rocket launchers for arms and opened up with weapons blazing, totally defeating Chloe with Gundam Heavyarms Custom-style firepower.
Sheo blinked. "The cat can do that?"
Beaten, Chloe was crying: "And now I'll never get Kirika anymore! It should have been me with her in Paris! Waah!"
"You could come to live with us on the Ultrasaurus," Kirika suggested.
Chloe blinked, asked, "Really?" then hugged Kirika in joy.
Sheo was wondering if Mawsi Dans would ever forgive him if she ever got to read this fan fiction; she was one scary lady, especially concerning Chloe and Ami Mizuno. Then he saw Yuuki sneaking away. "And just where are you going, little missy?"
That Girl gulped. "Yikes…"
"I'm in a mind to give you a traditional Filipino spanking," Sheo was saying as he cornered his erring creation, "But then again, I could always have the girls do it for me."
Desperate, Yuuki wailed: "You don't get it, do you, Sheo? All the girls you like are imperfect and all!"
The author's eyes narrowed. "That's not true."
"Yes, it is!" She pointed at Kirika and Chloe: "Look: Noir and Shin Noir are a yuri couple–"
"No!"
"And Tessa got dominated by Mao in that hentai fan fiction–"
"Stop it!"
"–And Rei is nothing more than Gendou Ikari's doll!"
His outrage scream got everyone to stop in their tracks. "NO!!! You're lying! They are pure, innocent, beautiful, kind and without any kind of imperfection that you claim they have! My girls are not like that!"
Kirika, Chloe, Tessa and Rei were all blushing. "Um, Sheo, she is sort of telling the truth," they all ventured honestly.
Sheo screamed like a silly girl, startling everyone: "NO!!!!!!" Then he crumpled to the floor and curled up in a fetal position, murmuring, "Kirika, Tessa, Rei… all the girls I like… are not like that… they're not… like that…"
Yuuki blinked and stared at her creator, reduced to a Camille Vidan-like vegetable trance and mumbling self-consoling assurances about his girls. "That was all we needed to stop him?"
Sho Tsuzuku appeared behind her. "Very good, Yuuki. You used the girls he valued the most against him. You've won!"
"I thought you were fighting the Box and its girls?"
"I'm done with the Box. If you think the Philippine postal service is horrid, you haven't seen the provincial Philippine postal service. As for the girls…"
Aside, the EFZ girls were all unconscious, barely alive, their faces twisted up even worse than Sadako/Samarra's victims in The Ring. The Box of Doom was missing. Blackheart ZERO was examining them. "What kind of evil did this? Brr, I feel the cold aura of evil…"
Chii and Black Chii appeared and gave him a warm hug. "Chii!"
"Huh-This ain't half bad… not bad at all…"
"And now to finish the task," Sho Tsuzuku was saying when yet another explosion came. "Huh?"
"Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! Andito na ang baliw na paksiw!"
("Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! The insane curry has arrived!")
Earl Osborne, a.k.a. Baliw Na Paksiw, Terorista Espesyal (Special Terrorist) and all-around crazy Russkie-wanna-be Filipino with AK-74S unlimited ammo, crashed into the scene and began raking the entire place with his machine gun. "Um! Applause!" Big explosion followed.
Sho Tsuzuku looked off-guard, even wary. "Wait… my power doesn't seem to be working on him. Yuuki, who is he?"
That Girl was frightened beyond her wits. "Oh, no! It's him, the Filipino action-hero guy! He's not just un-killable, he's also unaffected by author powers! He's chaos and insanity personified! He's also Sheo's younger brother," she added with a touch of fear.
"We must retreat!" Sho opened a portal and entered it, Yuuki and her minions following him quickly. The battle was over.
"Um, Sheo? Are you okay?"
"Boss? Anong nangyari sa iyo?"
"No… Kirika… Tessa… Rei... Chloe… Miss Mawsi… I want to share… Chloe… Death to hentai… death to Melissa Mao… ah…"
"We'd better get him back to the Ultrasaurus…"
"What the hell is this?"
April was aghast, embarrassed, angry and murderous all at the same time. She glared at both the vendor and Jack, the former unaffected, the latter cringing.
"Why the hell am I going to do this?"
"Because you owe money, need money and this only way to get money." The vendor looked serious.
"Not my idea," Jack began, but April sent him a vicious stare.
"You probably had a hand in this, you pervert!"
"Hey, don't say that! I really did have nothing to do with this!"
"And you're not protesting since it's not your ass on the line, is that it?"
"Yep." His cocky smile reminded April that they were, technically, still at war with each other. "Go get 'em, April!"
"I am going to kill you, Jack. One of these days, I am going to kill you."
"Oh, well," the vendor said. He gave them her costume and a crooked smile. "Fifteen minutes." He left.
The brown-haired Jellyfish pirate groaned. "The humiliation I have to endure for a stupid cross-dresser's brother's mistake. Why did this every happen to me?"
"Hey, if it means anything to you, I'm sorry for losing the money, okay?"
"Go to hell, Jack. Just go to hell."
"April, if it bothers you this much, it's just a wrestling match–"
"Mud wrestling," lamely corrected the unhappy girl.
"–And you will get a lot of cash if you win –or even if you don't–"
"My pride is not worth the money and the disgrace."
"And maybe you'll have fun–"
"In this costume?" April angrily dangled the slinky outfit in front of Jack's admittedly blushing face. "For Johnny's sake, this must have been lifted straight out of Morrigan's wardrobe! I'm going to wrestle another girl in mud while we're wearing this kind of costume while a bunch of testosterone-driven men are drooling over us?"
"I brought my shotgun. If it makes any difference, I'll shoot the perverts for you. Just point them out."
"Shoot me now. Before I die of shame. Please."
"Look, we need the money for the food you like. I can live on balot and adidas; you can't. So put up or keep shut, okay?"
April looked resigned to it already, but she did aim a venomous glance at her smart-ass companion. "You'd better not nosebleed on me during the match, you punk."
"Yes, ma'am." Secretly Jack was avidly looking forward to the event. He did have a healthy libido, after all, and a bout of girls' mud wrestling ought to do...
THWACK.
"Ouch."
"I heard that. Perv…"
"Hey, what's this?"
The postal office employee examined the large Balikbayan box before him. "It's another of those weird unmarked boxes, just like the last time." He looked around to see if there was anyone else in the room. "It wouldn't hurt to open it. After all, the last time I saw one of these, I got a lot of porn magazines from it…"
So saying, the Filipino took out a knife and prepared to mutilate the box–
–Which, of course, was the Box of Doom Mk3, screaming silently for his minions to rescue him before he was dismembered and violated, but too late…
"This story is crazy," Tessa was voicing out the apparent fact.
All the girls plus Sammy the cat nodded. Earl was off on the bridge piloting the Ultrasaurus while the girls kept an eye on the insensible Sheo, stuck in what seemed a semi-lucid trance and mumbling their names one by one in dreamy happiness.
"Poor Sheo; I wonder what he's dreaming of?"
"Probably us," Rei spoke up. Everyone stared at her. She gave them a serene look and said: "I'm not mute, you know."
"Meow?" Kirika scratched Sammy's tummy, while Chloe –warily keeping her distance from the kitten– was giving Noir a look of adoration.
"So, what do we do now?"
"More to the point, who's going to write the next chapter?"
Behind them, the P4 computer was whirring away, keyboard keys and mouse moving even though no one was using it…