I remember wakening up in the night to hear Sirius scream for Krecher to get away. He was dreaming of course. Well most of the time anyways.
"You little fucking arse! Get out of my house damnit!" Sirius would scream. I'd sit awake and wait for someone else to go and wake him and tell him it's just a dream, but I knew no one would. Either because they were to scarred, or they never really heard him. I'm guessing a combination of both.
I'd open his bedroom to find him tossing and turning, blanket thrown off the bed and pillows near by them. I stare for a few more moments, thinking that perhaps my mere presence would make the dreams fade. But it doesn't. Not that I truly expected it to.
I let my hand fall slowly to Sirius's pale shoulder. I freeze and few inches above it , hoping his face would fall peaceful again, but it clenches and his hands dug into his mattress, in a cry of distress. I have no choice but to wake him.
"Come on Sirius, it's just a dream." I whisper. He never heard me the first few times. I was used to repeating my self by now. "Come on, Sirius, wake...." He surprises me, by shooting up suddenly, looking around lost and confused. My stomach twists in a knot.
What happened to you Sirius? Why aren't you brave and free anymore? Why don't you smile and light up the whole room? Why are you the one who needs help now?
Of course I never really ask you these things; but I do repeat them in my mind, nearly everyday.
Your eyes finally rest on me, and you grab your shoulders and take a deep breath." I woke you again." He whispers looking about the room, his eyes never really meeting mine truly. I think he might be scarred. Scarred of what he might find in their depths. "You know I never fall asleep before midnight Sirius, It's fine." I say Moving my hand back his shoulder in a comfort gesture and nothing more.
At least thats what I tell myself.
"Thats right. You never did take care of yourself when it came to sleeping." He says letting go of whatever dreams were haunting his mind minutes ago. "And you never took care of yourself in anything else." I whisper back. Sirius snorts and I smile. Everythings okay. Everything will always be okay, somehow.
"You think I'm, insane don't you?" He says letting his own hands fall from his now bony shoulders. "No , not insane. " I tell him. It's true, for the most part. "You can't be much worse off then me." I say dryly just to have something to say really.
Sirius snorts. "You're not insane Moony." He says looking at me. I find myself caught in Blue sliver. I look down , wanting to get up and leave. Wanting to shut the door I know is about to open. I find myself stuck in the middle of opening of the past and embracing the future. Neither , which seems fit for me to explore.
"How do you know?" I ask looking at my dry , cracked hands. Sirius shrugs and shivers with his loss of blankets. "No one with your intelligence could be worse off then me." Sirius says mockingly. I smile and clasp his shoulder with my hand once more.
Sirius turns his head towards me and picked up my hands. "What did you do?" He asks looking at the dry cracks. "Nothing." I say pulling away from him. "Is it from Snape's New potion?"
I sigh and stand up. " Yes." I say shoving my hands in my pockets. Don't look at me, stop staring....
"Christ Moony, is it really worth that?" I want he ask him what kind of a question that is. Is not remembering all the pain of Transformation worth Dry hands? "Yes, Sirius." I say heading towards the door. I hear the bed springs squeak as he lays down again. "Night then." He says as I walk from the room . I closed more then one door that night.
**
I offered to Ask Snape to make a sleeping draught for him, But Sirius refused. It would be no trouble at all , But Sirius already feels hopeless enough without Snape doing another thing for him. I understand I guess, but yet somehow I don't. Sirius said he could stay up with me and give my company. Like old times. I want to say something like, It would never be like old times; But I think somehow he already knows that.
He does stay up with me, sometimes later then I do actually. I went to bed early , the night before the full moon. Sirius didn't question it, he knew , it was something that didn't need words. Pointless words that would mean nothing to either of us.
I was surprised when I woke up to Sirius shaking me. I sat up quickly and wondered if he was alright. "Are you okay?" I ask in rushed feeling ; cold sweat on my face. "I should be asking you that." Sirius says. I look over into my mirror to see it is I who looks scarred and confused now. It seems I had a nightmare I wasn't even aware of.
"You sure can scream." Sirius says shuddering. I bit my lip hard, wishing he hadn't said that. Now all I can think is how many people tomorrow will ask me if my dreams are acting up again. "I'm sorry, you should be sleeping you should....."
Sirius growls and stands up. "I'm not sick Moony. Or dieing for that fact. Why does everyone treat me like I'm some sort of Glass vase that will break at any moment?"
I ponder what Sirius just asked me. But I find myself unable to reply right away.
"Maybe....Maybe we don't want you to break." I say suddenly looking at him, wishing more then anything in the world, that he were as strong as he claims to be. Sirius sighs and sits down on my bed once more. He leans forward and for a moment I think he might kiss me. But somehow I know better. There is no going back.
He lets his forehead touch mine, and I shudder, feeling his warm skin against my cold flesh. "I will not break."
Somehow I believed him.
**
I find myself shivering next to the fire side, when a warm cup of tea is pushed in my eye sight. I snort and take the cup , no questions asked. I hear Sirius pull a chair so he is directly behind my sitting form on the rug.
I sip my tea in silence and think about the war. About how we probably won't survive, about how much I want to kill Peter, about how Much I don't want to watch Sirius leave again. "Moony, you think to much, I mean look at your hair." Sirius says setting down his tea to thread his fingers in the gray and light brown strands. I shiver and try to concentrate on the burning flames, but somehow I find it impossible.
I give up and lean my back against his legs. I smile and sigh.
I wonder if things will be okay, maybe We'll both be okay. Everything will work out. I feel Sirius's hands fall and come to rest on my shoulders. He leans down and lets his cheek rest on the top of my head. I bite the inside of my cheek and wonder how many times I have thought about being this close to Sirius since I moved into the Order House.
"I love you." Sirius whispers into my hair. I want to pretend I didn't hear it. I want to pretend I don't feel the same way, But all I can do is turn around and let my cheek rest against his leg. "Shut up." I mumbled pressing my lips into the fabric of his trousers.
Sirius snorts and kisses the spot right below my ear. "It's to late to be an arse."
I nod silently . You're right. We're in to deep now.
**
I wish I could promise you forever. But honestly whats forever now? Whats forever when you don't now whats going to happen tomorrow? Whats forever? Forever is nothing. Forever is a lie, that everyone is attached too. Because Forever is an amount of time that only exist in Fairy tales.
I think you know this too. Thats why you make no promises. You kiss me, and say nothing, because anything you have to say now, is far to late said to make a difference. So you don't waste your time. And neither do I.
I step out of my past and embrace the future which it turns out, is you. You catch my chin in your hand and rest your forehead against mine, like those many days ago. I shiver and you wrap your arms tighter around mine. You mumbled words that really make no sense to me. But without them I would be lost and confused.
"I love you..." You whisper again. I bite my lip, but this time you save it, with you own, coaxing my angry teeth away from the sore flesh. You have always been my savior.
I don't remember the tangle of limbs, or the shooting pain. All I can remember is my soul breaking and yours' shattering in return. All I can think of is the soft lips against mine and the feeling of your hands on every inch of my body they can reach. "I love you so much...." You whisper into my ear, and I think that maybe forever is something that can be formed into one word.
**
"He's not James , Sirius." I tell him one afternoon after I caught him calling Harry , James. You take a deep breath. "Don't you think I know that?" He hisses. "Don't you think I realize that? Harry could never be James no matter how much he looks like him." Sirius says bitterly.
"But he can be Harry. " I tell Sirius. Because really, he can be nothing more. "Of course he can." Sirius says walking slowly up the stairs. I don't follow him, because I think for once that he wants to be alone. For once I think Sirius understands all too well.
**
He falls through the veil. And I hold Harry back, as he shouts words that never make it to my ears. That isn't Sirius. He said he was unbreakable.
**
"Would you like some more Tea Remus?" Molly asks one day . I look up at her and see her pity. Pity I never wanted. " No thank-you." I say politely. They all try their best. To not talk about him , to not look me in the eye, to not speak of everything that might slightly remind me of him. Because in their minds remembering Sirius is the worst thing for me.
So they make other conversations.
"I bought a new Vase Remus, for spring. I expect there to be a lot of nice flowers this year with all the rain. " Molly tells me. I smile and nod, she continues smiling back. "It was a bargain too, the man said it would never break!" Molly says looking over at the vase sitting empty in the middle of the table. I sigh. Nothing is unbreakable.
"You little fucking arse! Get out of my house damnit!" Sirius would scream. I'd sit awake and wait for someone else to go and wake him and tell him it's just a dream, but I knew no one would. Either because they were to scarred, or they never really heard him. I'm guessing a combination of both.
I'd open his bedroom to find him tossing and turning, blanket thrown off the bed and pillows near by them. I stare for a few more moments, thinking that perhaps my mere presence would make the dreams fade. But it doesn't. Not that I truly expected it to.
I let my hand fall slowly to Sirius's pale shoulder. I freeze and few inches above it , hoping his face would fall peaceful again, but it clenches and his hands dug into his mattress, in a cry of distress. I have no choice but to wake him.
"Come on Sirius, it's just a dream." I whisper. He never heard me the first few times. I was used to repeating my self by now. "Come on, Sirius, wake...." He surprises me, by shooting up suddenly, looking around lost and confused. My stomach twists in a knot.
What happened to you Sirius? Why aren't you brave and free anymore? Why don't you smile and light up the whole room? Why are you the one who needs help now?
Of course I never really ask you these things; but I do repeat them in my mind, nearly everyday.
Your eyes finally rest on me, and you grab your shoulders and take a deep breath." I woke you again." He whispers looking about the room, his eyes never really meeting mine truly. I think he might be scarred. Scarred of what he might find in their depths. "You know I never fall asleep before midnight Sirius, It's fine." I say Moving my hand back his shoulder in a comfort gesture and nothing more.
At least thats what I tell myself.
"Thats right. You never did take care of yourself when it came to sleeping." He says letting go of whatever dreams were haunting his mind minutes ago. "And you never took care of yourself in anything else." I whisper back. Sirius snorts and I smile. Everythings okay. Everything will always be okay, somehow.
"You think I'm, insane don't you?" He says letting his own hands fall from his now bony shoulders. "No , not insane. " I tell him. It's true, for the most part. "You can't be much worse off then me." I say dryly just to have something to say really.
Sirius snorts. "You're not insane Moony." He says looking at me. I find myself caught in Blue sliver. I look down , wanting to get up and leave. Wanting to shut the door I know is about to open. I find myself stuck in the middle of opening of the past and embracing the future. Neither , which seems fit for me to explore.
"How do you know?" I ask looking at my dry , cracked hands. Sirius shrugs and shivers with his loss of blankets. "No one with your intelligence could be worse off then me." Sirius says mockingly. I smile and clasp his shoulder with my hand once more.
Sirius turns his head towards me and picked up my hands. "What did you do?" He asks looking at the dry cracks. "Nothing." I say pulling away from him. "Is it from Snape's New potion?"
I sigh and stand up. " Yes." I say shoving my hands in my pockets. Don't look at me, stop staring....
"Christ Moony, is it really worth that?" I want he ask him what kind of a question that is. Is not remembering all the pain of Transformation worth Dry hands? "Yes, Sirius." I say heading towards the door. I hear the bed springs squeak as he lays down again. "Night then." He says as I walk from the room . I closed more then one door that night.
**
I offered to Ask Snape to make a sleeping draught for him, But Sirius refused. It would be no trouble at all , But Sirius already feels hopeless enough without Snape doing another thing for him. I understand I guess, but yet somehow I don't. Sirius said he could stay up with me and give my company. Like old times. I want to say something like, It would never be like old times; But I think somehow he already knows that.
He does stay up with me, sometimes later then I do actually. I went to bed early , the night before the full moon. Sirius didn't question it, he knew , it was something that didn't need words. Pointless words that would mean nothing to either of us.
I was surprised when I woke up to Sirius shaking me. I sat up quickly and wondered if he was alright. "Are you okay?" I ask in rushed feeling ; cold sweat on my face. "I should be asking you that." Sirius says. I look over into my mirror to see it is I who looks scarred and confused now. It seems I had a nightmare I wasn't even aware of.
"You sure can scream." Sirius says shuddering. I bit my lip hard, wishing he hadn't said that. Now all I can think is how many people tomorrow will ask me if my dreams are acting up again. "I'm sorry, you should be sleeping you should....."
Sirius growls and stands up. "I'm not sick Moony. Or dieing for that fact. Why does everyone treat me like I'm some sort of Glass vase that will break at any moment?"
I ponder what Sirius just asked me. But I find myself unable to reply right away.
"Maybe....Maybe we don't want you to break." I say suddenly looking at him, wishing more then anything in the world, that he were as strong as he claims to be. Sirius sighs and sits down on my bed once more. He leans forward and for a moment I think he might kiss me. But somehow I know better. There is no going back.
He lets his forehead touch mine, and I shudder, feeling his warm skin against my cold flesh. "I will not break."
Somehow I believed him.
**
I find myself shivering next to the fire side, when a warm cup of tea is pushed in my eye sight. I snort and take the cup , no questions asked. I hear Sirius pull a chair so he is directly behind my sitting form on the rug.
I sip my tea in silence and think about the war. About how we probably won't survive, about how much I want to kill Peter, about how Much I don't want to watch Sirius leave again. "Moony, you think to much, I mean look at your hair." Sirius says setting down his tea to thread his fingers in the gray and light brown strands. I shiver and try to concentrate on the burning flames, but somehow I find it impossible.
I give up and lean my back against his legs. I smile and sigh.
I wonder if things will be okay, maybe We'll both be okay. Everything will work out. I feel Sirius's hands fall and come to rest on my shoulders. He leans down and lets his cheek rest on the top of my head. I bite the inside of my cheek and wonder how many times I have thought about being this close to Sirius since I moved into the Order House.
"I love you." Sirius whispers into my hair. I want to pretend I didn't hear it. I want to pretend I don't feel the same way, But all I can do is turn around and let my cheek rest against his leg. "Shut up." I mumbled pressing my lips into the fabric of his trousers.
Sirius snorts and kisses the spot right below my ear. "It's to late to be an arse."
I nod silently . You're right. We're in to deep now.
**
I wish I could promise you forever. But honestly whats forever now? Whats forever when you don't now whats going to happen tomorrow? Whats forever? Forever is nothing. Forever is a lie, that everyone is attached too. Because Forever is an amount of time that only exist in Fairy tales.
I think you know this too. Thats why you make no promises. You kiss me, and say nothing, because anything you have to say now, is far to late said to make a difference. So you don't waste your time. And neither do I.
I step out of my past and embrace the future which it turns out, is you. You catch my chin in your hand and rest your forehead against mine, like those many days ago. I shiver and you wrap your arms tighter around mine. You mumbled words that really make no sense to me. But without them I would be lost and confused.
"I love you..." You whisper again. I bite my lip, but this time you save it, with you own, coaxing my angry teeth away from the sore flesh. You have always been my savior.
I don't remember the tangle of limbs, or the shooting pain. All I can remember is my soul breaking and yours' shattering in return. All I can think of is the soft lips against mine and the feeling of your hands on every inch of my body they can reach. "I love you so much...." You whisper into my ear, and I think that maybe forever is something that can be formed into one word.
**
"He's not James , Sirius." I tell him one afternoon after I caught him calling Harry , James. You take a deep breath. "Don't you think I know that?" He hisses. "Don't you think I realize that? Harry could never be James no matter how much he looks like him." Sirius says bitterly.
"But he can be Harry. " I tell Sirius. Because really, he can be nothing more. "Of course he can." Sirius says walking slowly up the stairs. I don't follow him, because I think for once that he wants to be alone. For once I think Sirius understands all too well.
**
He falls through the veil. And I hold Harry back, as he shouts words that never make it to my ears. That isn't Sirius. He said he was unbreakable.
**
"Would you like some more Tea Remus?" Molly asks one day . I look up at her and see her pity. Pity I never wanted. " No thank-you." I say politely. They all try their best. To not talk about him , to not look me in the eye, to not speak of everything that might slightly remind me of him. Because in their minds remembering Sirius is the worst thing for me.
So they make other conversations.
"I bought a new Vase Remus, for spring. I expect there to be a lot of nice flowers this year with all the rain. " Molly tells me. I smile and nod, she continues smiling back. "It was a bargain too, the man said it would never break!" Molly says looking over at the vase sitting empty in the middle of the table. I sigh. Nothing is unbreakable.