GUILTY GEAR
The Wedding Night
The Series
Conceived By: The P4 Computer
Written By: The P4 computer
This chapter, the introduction style has changed.
In the last chapter of The Wedding Night 2:
Sheo Darren is still missing. The P4 is in Lone Wolf SIX's Abyss. Dizzy and Hotaru are still at war. Ky and Rock go to stop them. Kagura has Sol. Sho Tsuzuku stands unopposed and has a strange evil girl as his secret weapon. Chloe is in dire straits. May is still missing. A mysterious swordsman called the Wanderer has arrived to help Justine and Athena. The Boob Tube of Doom Mk II is back. Mai Amasagawa and Yuuki are lost in their unconsciousness. Bridget meets Sister Rosette. Some characters are out of character. The story is getting darker and darker, so much that the reader needs a flashlight. Much of the previous chapter was also a rant.
FINALLY! The story is now truly Rated PG 13 (shows Sir G dancing in joy) for some violence, inanity, confusion, multiple anime crossovers, commentary, author's self-inserts, dragging the good names and stories of other unsuspecting writers into the mess, advertisement of author's other stories, etc, etc. Oh, and especially for the fan service and ecchi to be featured here.
Coupling: Sol Badguy and Kagura/Justine Harrier/Athena Asamiya.
Sheo Darren and the P4 do not own Guilty Gear and all the stuff he's ripping off. Please send adulations and protestations a.k.a. reviews by way of the dinky little button at the lower left side of the bottom of the web page. A review would be appreciated; flames, even more.
Oh, and by the way: Lumiere will hack into your world and Sister Rosette will proselytize your ass. Kiddy Grade and Chrno Crusade rock.
And now for Chapter Nine: Let's Rock!
The Wedding Night Series
Arc Two
Two Gears, A Goddess And A Little Piggy Who Went 'Kyoh-kun'…
Episode 2: Advance of Fan Service
As Nazareth –courtesy TRUE Unknown's fan fiction– plunged down the seemingly infinite length of the portal, he had a lot of time to ponder upon the random silliness of this story –or maybe not, as he came towards the exit of the portal and prepared to enter whatever world he was supposed to enter–
"Aw, come on; give me a break or something…"
–When all of a sudden, his falling motion slowed to an absolute crawl.
Nazareth blinked in surprise at this reprieve, then shrugged and decided to see what he could do with the short time allowed him.
"Well, I'm supposed to whet the audience's appetite for the story. So, to summarize the contents without spoiling the plot: Kagura had taken Sol and plans to marry him. Justine and Athena are going to try to stop her, with the help of the mysterious man who calls himself the Wanderer (and with whom I've got a few suspicions as to just who he is…) In between, there will be fan service, lots of battle scenes and the usual serving of insanity as far as Sheo Darren or the P4 is concerned. With that, I bid you all adieu as I now plunge to my doom."
The time-freeze stopped and Nazareth freely fell into the portal.
And now, the story proper finally begins to play…
When Sol Badguy woke up, he found himself the center of the story once more, in a bed –but thankfully with all of his clothes still on– and Kagura in her pajamas draped over him, asleep and snoring lightly in a charming manner.
"I have the impression that this scene is supposed to suggest something," growled Sol under his breath.
Kagura woke up and yawned cutely. "Ohayou, Sol-kun," she greeted sleepily, rubbing at her eyes to clear them. "What do you want for breakfast?"
Though what he really wanted was to get the hell out of here, Kagura's endearing concern for him sort of got to Sol. So, he tried using a less threatening tone as he asked: "How about some bacon, kid?"
The way Kagura stared in horror at him, Sol was reminded of Dracula reacting to a cross. If Dracula was cute, fifteen and a girl, that is.
"What's the matter?" the Guilty Gear growled, then knew he made a mistake when tears began to pool in Kagura's eyes.
"But, Sol-kun, I turn into a pig."
Despite the way it was so uncharacteristic of him, Sol smacked himself on the forehead. What was he thinking: Forcing a girl who turns into a pig to eat pork? That was morally or philosophically the equivalent of cannibalism.
"But," Kagura then added shyly and softly even on the verge of tears, "If Sol-kun wants to have bacon for breakfast, Kagura-chan can get some for him."
"Nah, forget it." Then Sol noticed how sober and serious the story was becoming and asked aloud: "I thought this was a humorous story. Where's the humor in making Kagura cry?"
A piece of paper fell out of nowhere and onto Sol's face.
Well, Mr. Badguy, the printed text read, considering that your comment is well-founded and reasonable, the P4 has decided to oblige you.
"What the–"
Out of nowhere came a swarm of people with lights, video cameras, make-up kits, costume hangers, props and stuff used to make a movie: It's the Virra Mall guys from Dizzy and Ky's wedding night in Chapter Five! Without any concern for the dazed owners of the bedroom they invaded, the stage people began preparing the entire room for a scene shooting. There was even a director who had a moustache and dark shades and beret (like all directors do) and was terrorizing his assistant, who happened to be lovely but luckless Miss Kiritsubame from Furi Kuri.
"What did I ever do to deserve this?" Kiritsubame complained to the sky, then cringed and waited for the almighty voice of Sheo Darren to echo out of nowhere. When no such scolding came, she sighed and got to work. "He's still not back…"
Kagura being shocked by the impromptu invasion of her bedroom, she burrowed herself into Sol's clothes and whimpered. "Who are they, Sol-kun? Why are they here?"
Almost breaking into a rash of curses –but wisely remembering Kagura was still a kid, plus Sheo being protective of the girls he liked and quite vindictive if he put himself to it– Sol settled for an angry glare at the stage people. "What the hell is this?"
When no one answered him and everyone kept on doing their duties, Sol went for more immediate and vigorous action. He Wild Threw a props man out the window, Bandit Revolver-ed a light man, introduced two make-up artists to the ceiling via Volcanic Viper and Dusted half a dozen people who approached Kagura with rather distracted looks in their eyes.
"We… were just… gonna fit her clothes… on her…"
"censored Virra Mall guys," Sol growled under his breath. "Where the censored did these guys come from? What're they doing here?" Then, he also noted: "Why the hell does this damn story keep on censoring me?"
Kiritsubame offered, "Because Sheo doesn't like that word."
"Why are you here?" Kagura asked artlessly.
"Um, the P4 contracted us to shoot a sexy scene of you and Sol. If you didn't mind, that is?"
Kagura was all wide-eyed and doe-like. Sol, however, was not happy.
"Oh, Kagura-chan?" The director was holding up a really skimpy outfit that brought to mind a lot of ecchi series. "If you don't mind, we'd like to shoot you dressed in this before you permanently undress. Oh, and Mr. Badguy? Strip off your clothes, will you?"
"What the censored –ah, shit, not again; hey, why isn't the S-word censored?"
"Oh, come on now, Mr. Badguy, I'm sure you'd have lots of practice with Ky in all those fan-girl-written yaoi hentai fiction."
Sol wanted to flip the finger, but found that plot devices were holding him back. Then he noticed that beside him, the innocent Kagura was cutely fumbling with the buttons of her pajama polo.
There was the image of a young man running in his mind now, a Filipino youth with glasses and an aversion to hentai, and what that young man could do with his God-like powers of controlling reality's outcomes, and what that young man's friends could put inside his head every now and then, and what the young man did to people who messed with his favorite characters. And believe the P4; Sol didn't like that idea.
Besides, he had another reason for doing this.
"TYRANT RAVE: VERSION THETA!"
"What's the difference of Tyrant Rave: Version Theta from the Beta Version–err, Version Beta?" the luckless director asked even as he and his goons got hit by the massive fireball and were flung a million miles away.
"It's nuclear," Sol smugly revealed.
Far off into the horizon, a massive atomic mushroom cloud could be discerned.
"Bye, bye." Kagura waved at the departed souls of the Filipino stage perverts, now all being dragged down an ADV monster demon from hell into a portal rimmed by fire by. "Poor guys; I wonder if they'll be okay there?"
"Believe me: They will."
"Sol-knn, why did you stand up for me earlier?"
Sol fell silent.
"Sol-kun?"
The half-Gear who was once human sighed like his old self Frederick Mercury. "Okay, maybe I kind of like you, that's why." Mentally, Sol was thinking, Out of character, out of character…
There was a long moment of silence. Sol expectantly waited for the glomp.
Instead, Kagura smiled and said, "Arigatou," before lightly kissing his cheek and then running off to prepare breakfast.
Sol watched her leave before he muttered: "That's wasn't half bad…"
"Yah! Take this!"
"Quoting Geese Howard-san: 'Predictable'."
"Ouch."
Justine and Athena had been training for the better part of two days now under the mysterious man who called himself the Wanderer. The man in black proved to be very experienced in fighting and very gifted when it came to swordsmanship. Even though Justine was the most powerful command Gear and Athena practically a Goddess, the Wanderer easily defeated them. Score was Girls 0-Wanderer 100 and the latter not looking like he was even working hard.
"Damn author-created characters," Justine was gasping to herself as she was making great inbound in relating to the grass (read: She was down on the ground). "Why do you people have to be so powerful and all that stuff?"
"Because," the Wanderer said as he effortlessly disarmed Athena, "Our creator is biased. It is the same principle explaining why Sol is so cheap in Guilty Gear. Daisuke Ishiwatari is biased."
"Then what's with Yuuki?"
"Sheo Darren wondered what it would be if he made a self-willed character who didn't answer to him. He was curious about the outcome, so he tried it out."
"And regretted it," Athena managed as she landed next to Justine.
The Wanderer smiled. "Perhaps not..."
"How's our training going?" Justine asked as she wiped off sweat from her brow.
"Pretty well, actually, but you need much more than what I can teach you in a few days' span." The Wanderer tipped his shades up the bridge of his nose, an action that got Athena's notice. "Perhaps there is a way to give you the power you need. It will be very difficult to do so, and you will not be assured you will get it."
"Tell us."
Both girls eagerly paid attention to what the Swordsman told them.
"YOU!?!"
Bridget didn't know who this nun was, but he did know that she looked a lot like him: The blonde-blue-white combination so prevalent in Guilty Gear and Gundam color configurations with Bridget/Ky/Millia. Considering the idea behind Ky/Kuro Ky/Robo Ky, it was safe to bet that this nun was an evil version of him. For some reason, authors liked to make alternate versions –not to mention evil– of popular characters. Examples would be:
1. Kuro Ky, the fan-created evil version of Ky Kiske. Self-explanatory.
2. Robo Ky and Robo Ky Mk II, official evil mass-produced robot version of Ky Kiske. Also self-explanatory.
3. Jack: Not Bridget's brother but Blackheart ZERO's creation, a girl who was a clone of Bridget in all but hair color and gender.
4. That Guy, the late copy of Thaddeus/That Man in Blackheart ZERO's The Incredibly Zany Guilty Gear Story, killed by Deathwing Omega just recently. May his soul rest in peace.
5. Hikki, Lone Wolf SIX's creation who cross-dresses like Jam and manages Yuna, Rikku and Paine in their concerts.
6. Nazareth: This new kid from TRUE Unknown was a Dizzy clone out and out. Heck, he even had a wing called Undine!
7. Yuuki: Sheo Darren would not be left out on the craze. A Mariemeia Khushrenada/That Man clone with moves like K', That Girl was one scary child.
8. Justine Harrier: And again! Meet the Child of Justice, ultimate command Gear reborn into a leaner, meaner and cuter girl.
9. And Jack, Bridget's own twin brother and Sheo's tongue-in-cheek translation of a character that was mentioned but never ever shown in the game and thus was freely transformed into this nice but ecchi boy.
So, Bridget tried his best to pretend he was helpless and all –forgetting that he was dressed as a real boy now and his moves and pose were all out of place– even as he took out Roger in order to attack or block–
On Sister Rosette's part, the kid who looked like Quatre Winner didn't seem threatening. He was cute as a button and obviously bishie: Toting a teddy bear protectively, as if the toy could actually defend him against– wait!
She couldn't believe it! The teddy bear had a dangerous aura! She could feel the pseudo-evil from it!
"Could it be," Sister Rosette murmured under her breath, "Could it be possessed by a demon? Then –if it is– I must exorcise it and save the child it corrupts!"
So saying, she slowly let her hand drop towards her handgun, taking care not to be noticed, hoping she could get at least one clear shot off before–
Blue eyes met blue eyes, realized the intent behind the other, and they acted all at once.
Sho Tsuzuku grinned as he watched the inevitable battle finally start. "Well, now," the evil insert character noted as Bridget and Sister Rosette began fighting, "Without Sheo or the P4 to get in the way, I seem to be messing with people's minds pretty easily."
"Weren't you supposed to be just a guest character here?"
"I aim to manipulate whatever I can into my evil sphere of influence. Since my own story has not yet been published, I need an outlet for my evil brilliance. Thus: Behold!"
The girl at his side miffed: "You are a very disturbed individual, you know that?"
"And you aren't?"
She had to smile at that. The girl who was once someone else entirely smiled impishly as she watched the battle between the boy she waited for and the interfering nun.
"Bridget… win this battle… win it for me…"
"Where's the fan service part?" a fan boy demanded before the crack of a rifle signaled that his head had just disappeared.
Taka Ichiko killed Random Demanding Fan Boy with Mauser rifle head shot.
"He, he, he; chalk up kill number fifteen." Then the sniper's cell phone began ringing.
"Hey, Taka," the voice on the phone said, "Do you mind coming over to the Ultrasaurus? I'll need some back-up for the coming GG Authors Versus Sheo's Insert Characters War later on."
"Sure thing."
In Russia, Sir G shrugged and said: "At least the rating is now PG-13. Still! Fan service? Fan service? I haven't seen one strip of fan service yet!" He then laughed. "Get it? Strip of fan service?"
And here follows a long rant the story will no longer publish; in fact, it will ignore Sir G for the while as more important developments. Namely: The fan service part.
Fan boys all around cheered happily before out of nowhere a Nazgul swoops in and eats them for this chapter's dose of senseless violence.
To quote Seijyuro Hiko the 13th: "Death no longer terrifies man. The smell of blood is as common as the smell of white plums. So, he creates slavery and savagery, which surpass the horror of dying. These can be fought only with more bloodshed, and the cycle never ends."
Advancing at the head of his mighty military forces and towards the P4's entrenched forces, Lone Wolf SIX momentarily stopped in his tracks. "Hey; that's from my story. Quit plagiarizing my stuff, you stupid computer!"
Make me, foolish carbon-based life form who really wants to peek in on Hibiki while she takes a bath. Rise of the Machines…
"Damn you!" Lone Wolf SIX gestured. "Attack!"
Behind him, the Soviet armored juggernaut –Kirovs, Apocalipses, Rhinos, V3s the heroes Boris and Soviet Soldier Volkov and Chitzkoi the Cyborg Attack Dog, and a lone GDI Mammoth Mk II from Tiberian Sun which was really, really lost– ground its way towards the killing fields prepared by the P4's Allied army. All the while, they could hear Pippin's voice singing that sad song he sang when Faramir was leading the suicide mission in the Lord of the Rings movie Return of the King, a really depressing thing considering that they were all going to die...
In the world of Gundam Wing fan fiction Reminiscent Memories, Relena Darlian was saying: "This is a senselessly violent story. Why doesn't Sheo work on something more sane and sensible –like our story that he promised the Jin Zapper he'd continue it this month?"
"Because," author-created character Daryl Ikazuchi told her rival for Heero Yuy's affection, "Sheo likes Guilty Gear and Shaman King right now, and he currently dislikes Gundam Wing. He's also finding it very hard to regularly update just one fan fiction; what more with three active fan fiction and one on the suspension list and a ton of concepts in his mind?"
"Besides," author-created character Rei Grant/Quaterine Winner advised, "He doesn't like to be rushed into doing something he'd do when he gets into the proper state of mind. Give him a break. After all, he hasn't driven you insane… yet…"
"He was going to drive me insane in his fan fiction?" Relena looked horrified.
Daryl and Rei shrugged. "Fear the P4."
And since there are a multitude of author-created characters in this chapter alone, one more insert wouldn't' really hurt:
"Please also read and review the Shaman King fan fiction Sheo wrote," Rione Asuka Hunter was saying as a plug-in scene. "It's called Iron Maiden and Dowser Knight, a romantic comedy that comes nowhere near the craziness of this story. Sheo's supposed to update it before the end of this month. Hoy, Sheo, nangako ka na gagawin mo 'yon, ha? 'Wag mong papakuin ang pangako mo!"
And now, the story turns to the Bicol region in the Philippines for the fan service. Really; the story will be about the fan service. The P4 swears.
April sighed contentedly as she let the waters of the hot spring soak into her weary body. "It feels so good," she murmured happily.
The hot spring resort was the last thing she expected to come upon, but it was arguably the best surprise in quite a long time. After trekking half a day in mud and skimpy outfit with a perverted traveling companion, this was the karma to balance out all of her earlier spates of bad luck.
Despite the knowledge of what was coming for them, the foursome decided to enjoy what they could of their stay. Luckily, the hot spring's single large pool had a sturdy bamboo wall separating the boys' section from the girls'. Much to Jack's chagrin but April and Jackie's relief, the wall was solid, tough and had no holes or cracks in it.
"Foiled again," Jack muttered under his breath as he disappeared into the changing room.
But back to April relaxing in the pool in just her birthday suit –yes, yes, she isn't wearing anything; what kind of stupid idiot would want to take a hot spring bath wearing clothes? It's a damned bath, for fan boys' sake. But since this story is not a lemon, there is no need to go into details.
When the motley collection of fan boys protests, a giant Purple Dinosaur surfaces and eats them. "Die! Wait; why did I attack my fellow hentai lovers? Darn the P4; it's toying with me again!"
Then: "Uh, oh; I'm about to die again," even as the same Nazgul from earlier flies in and its rider –Taka Ichiko, the Purple Dinosaur's arch-nemesis– wastes it with a single Mauser round.
What a senseless world they live in…
Perhaps the story should continue now…
"Whoa." This was from Jackie –Blackheart ZERO's Jack– as she admired April's long brown hair. "April, I didn't know your hair was long."
"I keep it tied up under my bandanna most of the time. It gets in the way when the day is really windy or the Mayship is flying."
"It's so long and soft." Jackie was dreamy with awe. "It's even longer than mine. You should always keep it untied, you know, so that guys will notice you a lot more."
"Really?" This perked up a special interest. Like all of the Jellyfish girls, April had been chasing after Johnny's affection but had had disappointing results so far. But if letting her hair unbound could do the trick–
"You think it'd work? Say, with Bridget?"
"May would kill you, of course, but I guess it'd work."
"Interesting idea…"
On the other side of the tall bamboo fence that separated the girls' section from the boys', Jack was keeping a measurable distance from Hikki, the latter rather amused at his companion's efforts.
"What's with you, Jack? You act like I've got the plague or something."
"Sorry. Cross-dressers do that to me."
"This comes from the brother of Bridget."
"Knock it off. And to tell the truth, I've never taken a bath with another guy before."
"Not even with your own brother?"
"Bridget is really a boy, but I'm still sort of leery around him."
Hikki looked thoughtful. "Are you gay?" he asked.
"Look who's talking!" Jack was infuriated by the accusation. "I'm not the cross-dresser around here!"
"You Westerners really have some odd perceptions."
"We didn't invent yaoi; you Japanese did."
"May I point out that the West was also into that kind of thing, including some notable figures such as Achilles and Alexander the Great. The problem was not only ours."
"Yeah, but CLAMP published X 1999."
"Point taken."
And now back to the girls' side:
"Some say one's hair is the reflection of the owner's innermost being," Jackie was saying while she shampooed April's hair. "Your hair is soft, luxuriously so but not fragile. What that means is that you are both soft and strong: Caring and cuddly but not helpless, able to fend for herself when needed but open to being loved as you are–"
"Jackie, what I asked for was shampoo. What you're giving me is a lecture."
"–You don't like being the person in the bottom of things but at the same time you're not the dominative type who likes to take control of things; you're perfectly happy receiving and not doing much work and just enjoying things–"
"Are you implying something sexual?"
"Your interest and participation are quite normal; but you do occasionally dip into things you'd never dream of, and actually enjoy these illegal things because they are admittedly fun–"
"I really think you're trying to tell me something..."
"–You're a fine balance, nothing absurdly large or nonexistent, with a good but understated and totally normal figure, not a ditz or a nerd–"
April sighed and decided to endure the faintly suggestive speech for a while longer. Then she remembered something.
Despite Hikki's teasing, Jack was beginning to enjoy his bath when he heard April call out to him. "Hey, Jack!"
"What is it?"
"Could you pass me some body shampoo? We're all out of it."
Even as he dutifully went off to fetch some, warning bells was ringing inside the Brit boy's head. Why did Evangelion and loser boy Shinji Ikari suddenly come to mind?
"Here you go." Jack tossed the bottle of body shampoo over the fence.
Behind the curtain of bamboo came an exclamation of surprise and anger.
"Ow!" April sounded like she'd got hit on the head or somewhere. "You idiot! Watch it where you throw stuff, moron!"
A vein throbbed slightly on Jack's forehead. "How the hell should I know where'd I toss things? I can't see thanks to the damn fence, stupid!"
He could clearly hear Jackie consoling April on the other side of the barrier –and the warning bells inside his head went to full crescendo.
"You okay, April? It's just a bottle."
"Yeah, but he hit me in my sensitive part with it..."
A slow blush crept up Jack's cheeks as he imagined just what part he had hit by accident.
"Aw, poor April; let Jackie tend it for you…"
"Hey! It tickles!"
"Well, how about this?"
"Jackie!"
Hikki found the ashamed Jack trying to drown himself in the warm waters, bubbles breaking the surface in a steady stream. "Let me guess: Eva fan service?"
Each bubble that popped expelled a single word. "I-thought-that-Sheo-hated-hentai…"
"It's not Sheo; it's the P4 to blame for all this."
"The-hell. And-now-I-talk-like-Robo-Ky. I-wish-it-dies…"
"You might just get that wish in the next chapter," Hikki said mysteriously.
On the other side of the fence, April and Jackie were laughing with their voice-over spoof of Evangelion. They hadn't been doing what Jack had imagined, but they were convincing voice actors.
When all of a sudden, a portal opened above them and someone fell down from it.
"Eh? What the–"
Very wet from taking an unexpected dive into a pool and not happy at all to think he was expecting immediate annihilation upon his exit, Nazareth reluctantly stood up. "Sometimes," he grumbled as he wrung his clothes dry, "I really regret my existence."
Then he noticed that he was not alone.
"NAZARETH…"
The scene cuts to show the following images in succession:
A huge rocket engine roaring; the Titanic smashing into the iceberg; a nuclear explosion; a Jerry Bruckenheimer/Michael Bay movie (take your pick); a soprano hitting her highest note and breaking all paper cups within fifty paces; the P4's Allied lightning storm going off in the middle of Lone Wolf SIX's army; Blackheart ZERO's ZERO Punch/Swordo; Person WMA's Flying Ninja Kick connecting with a random fan boy (fourth time to die); and other scenes of sudden, inescapable scenes of overwhelming power and destruction.
And back to Justine and Athena:
"Are you serious about this?"
"It is undoubtedly very strange." The Wanderer grinned sheepishly even as he admitted the fact. "But it is what you must accomplish in order to gain the power you need."
"Let me get this straight." Athena put on her most studious look as she recited their instructions from memory. "We need: Three Santa Porings for the Elf lords under the night sky, seven Majin-Porings for the Dwarf-kings in their halls of stone, nine Ghostrings for mortal Men doomed to die. One Angelring to rule them, one Angelring find them, one Angelring to rule them all and in the darkness bind them, in the land of Mordor where the shadows lie..."
"Why does it all sound so familiar?" Justine wondered. "And what's a Majin-Poring?"
The Wanderer coughed apologetically. "It's a Poring with Oriental slanted eyes. A Majin-Boo (Dragonball Z GT) version of a Poring, if you may…"
Both girls gave him bewildered looks. They knew absolutely nothing about Dragonball Z GT. Which was, the man in black reflected, something to be thankful for. Twenty-plus episodes for a single five-minute battle scene were a stretch of audience limits. Why the hell Toei went for that entire stuff hook, line and sinker was beyond even an immortal swordsman such as the Wanderer.
More diplomatic coughs followed. "Well, basically, you have to collect all those rings, bring them to Mount Doom and throw them into the volcano's fiery pits. Oh, and whatever you do, don't give in to the temptation the Angelring will offer you. Don't worry; I'll be guiding you girls most of the way." So saying, the Wanderer smiled. "Any questions?"
"Well," Justine offered gamely, "At least you didn't make us collect 100 rings and then jump like Blackheart ZERO did with Solcoon-chan."
"I thought there weren't any more Pokemon jokes to be made?"
"Sorry."
When Chloe sat up, all the girls knew what she was going to say.
"We know, Chloe; it's time for the section known as OMAKE."
"Actually, I was going to ask for a glass of water."
"Oh. Sorry."
"By the way: OMAKE."
"CHLOE!"
The entire forest was afire from the fierce battle raging within it. Most of the animals had already fled at the first explosions; those that didn't were now classified as 'extinct', collateral damage', 'blue-on-blue incidents' and the like. In simpler terms, they were toast.
Dizzy was losing the fight. She didn't have Necro, Undine or St. Tale to back her up –she had left her Systems at the Mayship for her honeymoon with Ky– and so lacked almost all of her moves. She was a half Gear and so was not entirely helpless, but against Hotaru who wasn't handicapped in any way and fighting with her utmost, Dizzy was almost not match at all.
"Sharingan!" Hotaru yelled, unleashing a rippling wave of flaming chi that broke through Dizzy's block and did a lot of damage, reducing the half-Gear girl's life to 10%. "Hah! You will lose now, Dizzy-chan!"
"I find the suffix –chan demeaning."
Hotaru rushed in for a martial arts combo and drained Dizzy's life to 1%. In desperation Dizzy began using the Square/Punch button rapidly, pushing Hotaru back a while. Dizzy then triggered a Psych Burst Counter, gaining some Tension and time. But:
"If I don't come up with something, Hotaru-chan will beat me. I must not lose and shame Mister Ky! I musn't!"
A little shaken but game, Hotaru got back up. "That was a clever move, Dizzy-chan but now you're finished!" She activated her Instant Kill mode and closed in for the finis.
Dizzy recoiled in fear, helpless. Then she noticed that her Tension Gauge was full. But what could she launch? Even if she used Hell Flame, Hotaru had enough HP to shrug it off and defeat her. Gamma Ray and Necro's Anger were unavailable.
"Here I come!" Hotaru launched her Instant Kill, just as Ky and Rock arrived.
Mezamete, Dizzy-chan." The voice drifted into her consciousness all of a sudden, gentle and protective. "Awaken and claim what is truly yours."
A bright light suddenly arose from Dizzy and a pillar of light came down from the sky to envelope her, shielding her from Hotaru's Destroy. As everyone stared in surprise, the Flame Seal, Thunder Seal, Stopping Fans and the other Outrage weapons all appeared about her and danced around Dizzy before merging into–
"It's the Heaven Omni Katana!"
Yes, it was the Ultimate Outrage, sum of all the Outrage weapons and work of Blackheart ZERO's genius. The awesome weapon drifted gently down into Dizzy's hands, its mirror-sheen length beautiful in the sunlight.
"Wow," was all she could say.
Hotaru gathered herself for one last attack. "You may have the Heaven Omni Katana, Dizzy-chan," she admitted, "But I only need just one last hit to defeat you."
"And I only need one hit to defeat you," Dizzy replied. She held the Heaven Omni Katana lightly before her.
Then, Hotaru smiled. "I'd rather have fought you fairly if you had your Systems."
Dizzy smiled too. "I'd rather fight you unfairly without this."
Both girls broke into laughter and, forgetting their fight, just hugged each other happily.
Puzzled, Ky and Rock exchanged looks. "We miss something?"
Sammy the kitten was having his dinner that consisted of a cup of orange juice –he adamantly refused to drink from a saucer and didn't like milk– and roast beef –fish had too many bones and didn't taste good– when he heard footsteps behind him.
"Well, well, well. Look who we have here."
Sammy looked up and found Blackheart ZERO, TRUE Unknown and his OOFWWTSBADGATLR, Person With Many Aliases and Kaiser Ryouga II.
"We seem to remember that you bad-mouthed us in Chapter Seven." Blackheart gave the kitten a slow smile. "Now, let's see if you can put your money where your mouth is, kitty-cat."
"Hah!" Sammy hissed. "Even combined, you authors cannot hope to stand against the fury of the great cat warrior of the Nibbles Empire! Fear me, for I am the Lord of the Night of the Thousand Cats: Mittens!"
The authors all broke into laughter.
"What's so funny?" Sammy/Mittens demanded angrily.
"Your name, for one thing," TRUE Unknown said. "Have you ever given thought to how silly it is?"
"You dare insult my name? And you!" The kitten pointed at Kaiser Ryouga II. "I didn't mention you in my rant! Why are you here?"
Kaiser Ryouga II shrugged. "Senseless insert to waste time and bandwidth."
"Well, fear me and my allies!" Suddenly, out of nowhere came Taka Ichiko, Leon Winchester and Deathwing Omega, flaking Sammy. "You see, I have formed an alliance with Sho Tsuzuku, the ultimate evil! And so I have evil allies of my own!"
"Hey, Mittens," greeted Taka Ichiko with a 'Seig Jion' salute. "And I'm not evil; just sarcastic."
"What the hell am I doing here?' Leon Winchester thought to ask. "Oh. I'm pro-Millia. No one turns Millia into a Nazi soldier and lives to tell the tale." He took out two Winchester rifles.
"It was only a matter of time before evil found evil and tag-teamed," Blackheart said in reference to Deathwing Omega.
Deathwing Omega gestured grandly. "We are the Lockdown to your Carriers, the Spawn Broodling to your Siege Tanks, the Irradiate to any Zerg, and the detectors to any stealth units! And now I'll pay you back for that prank call you sent me ages ago!"
(Hurray! A flashback once more! At last, after four chapters without them… but wait: Yuuki's unconscious. She's the one who makes the flashbacks. Looks like the flashbacks are going to be skipped. Aww…)
Anyway: Who would win: The alliance of the good guy authors, or the evil kitten/sarcastic man/Starcraft junkie trio?
The Author Wars now truly begins, Master Blackheart.
Can you stand the heat of this kitchen?
More importantly: Can you stand the Zerg-rush-every-five-minutes (known locally in the Philippines as the gripo (running faucet) strategy)?
"Hindi mamamatay ang gripo," the section of 4-F sings such, "Hindi mamamatay ang gripo! Gripo will never die!"
And to end this chapter, the story returns to the hot spring where just recently, Nazareth had gotten clobbered.
"That was one hell of a hit you took, buddy," the rather envious Jack noted. "The way the girls were going berserk, we were expecting to be picking pieces of you all across the hot spring."
"Fortunately," added Hikki with more compassion, "It seems you have the Keitaro Urashima power of practical invincibility. A rather useful ability, especially when surrounded by a lot of girls and having what Blackheart ZERO calls the 'Sheo Darren' effect."
"Which is?" Nazareth wasn't in the mood for humor, having just been beaten up within an inch of his life by the infuriated April and Jackie. It was just his second guest appearance in a fan fiction aside from his story, and this was happening to him already? He didn't deserve this rude parody of Green Green…
"Insanity, and by that, we mean lots of random insanity. Not to mention the ecchi tendencies so prevalent in this entire concept."
"I just drop in by accident –no plan at all, just the plot device–, and I get nuked?"
"Basically? Yes."
"Thank you very much, Hikki-san. I appreciate your answers very much. They just might save my life one day."
"That was so politely said, I don't know whether to consider it as insult or praise."
"Bosh." Jack got up and headed towards the dressing room. "I'm going to put some clothes on and get some food in my stomach. If you want to come, drop all pretensions of ecchi fan-boyishness and follow me."
Hikki and Nazareth exchanged knowing looks. "He's jealous," the former advised.
In fact, Jack was jealous. Nazareth had stolen the show from him. Jack was supposed to be the one who got his rocks off the girls, not some Dizzy clone who just dropped in by accident. He was annoyed like hell, taking to muttering by and kicking the door open to the dressing room–
April and Jackie were taken by surprise. The door just burst open on them.
In walked the visibly down Jack, grumbling, "Ishouldhavehadthatfanservicestuff," or something that sounded like that. Then, hearing the gasp of the girls, he looked up.
April and Jackie stared at Jack. Jack stared at April and Jackie.
It took a long moment for the reality of the girls being in lingerie and Jack in boxers to sink into the heads of their respective thinkers.
When Hikki and Nazareth entered the dressing room, they found April chasing after Jack. April was totally furious and she was also dressed in nothing but her underwear. In marked contrast, Jack was madly laughing like Taka Ichiko did whenever the latter was watching a hentai movie.
"I think we interrupted something," Hikki offered. 'What do you think?"
Nazareth shrugged. "I'm staying out of this mess."
"Good idea."
Jack took on a new burst of both laughter and speed even as he left taunts in his wake. "I didn't know pink looks so good on you, April! Maybe you should color all your clothes pink? Or maybe you'd look best dressed in just that!"
"Just wait, you–you–" April was hard-pressed to find a swear word that would express her anger but not get censored. She was, however, driven by a rage greater than any before. "Oh, I'm so gonna kill you, Jack! I swear by Johnny and May and the Great Whale Yamada! I'll kill you!"
"Catch me if you can!"
"Di Caprio?" Nazareth wondered.
"Lots of views –err, reviews," suggested Hikki. "Sheo really is perverted."
The two then felt a powerful aura looming behind them.
"Just what are you two doing here?" icily inquired Jackie. She was in her undies and very angry to have more boys in the vicinity while she was undressed. She also had a gigantic Piko Piko Mallet of Doom to Perverted Characters, which was materialized death for fan boys.
Hikki did not elaborate; he merely told Nazareth: "Run."
They had a head start of one second. Jackie was hot on their heels. "Mighty Mjolnir, smash them into pieces! And smash those pieces into pieces!"
Jack was maintaining his distance from April, was even getting away even farther, when he finally noticed what he was going to step on in the next moments.
"Oh, shit, not a soap bar, not a soap bar, not a–"
Reminder to all the kids at home, the P4 advised calmly, even as all around it GIs were blown sky-high out of their foxholes by V3 missiles and Prism Towers collapsed into piles of scrap from bombs dropped by Kirovs and the Mammoth MK II ate up whatever was in its way. Do not run in the bathroom or any other room, especially if the floor is wet. Also, do not leave bars of soap or other items just lying around. People might slip on them and end up in ecchi situations.
Ecchi is bad. See the same-titled Shaman King story in the Anime section. Do not follow the example of the P4, Sheo Darren, Lone Wolf SIX–
"I heard that! Prepare to die!"
–and all of the sukebe found in fanfiction.net. This is a public service reminder from your local chaotic neutral P4 Allied Commander. Good night, and have a nice day.
"–soap bar–, aw, darn it…"
The moment that Jack's foot hit the bar of soap, he knew he was going to get it now. He went spinning out of control and was flung in the last direction he wanted to go: Headed right towards April.
There was a long slow-motion Matrix bullet-time period where Jack fairly flew towards a very unprepared April. Then:
BONK.
"Ouch."
"Ditto ouch."
When the stars cleared and the little birds all fled the coop, Jack and April realized several things:
1. Just like in Chapter 6: Jack was sprawled on top of April.
2. Just like in Chapter 6: It was a nice little hentai position.
3. Just like –oh, you get the idea–: Our faces are really close together.
4. Now this is not like Chapter 6: Green Green!
There was something different this time, though. Where they had hated each others guts the last time, where they had immediately tried to kill each other the last time, this time was different. The graphics softened and improved in quality. Cherry blossom petals fell all around them. Soft music played. A narrator was voicing over the background:
A long time ago, a man and a woman loved each other a lot…
(Shows outlines of guy and girl reaching out for each other. They're both naked, but they're just outlines. Still…)
…But their love was forbidden by their clans…
(Shows outlines of guy and girl hugging each other. Yes, they're still naked and this is all so suggestive…)
…So, they promised to find each other when they lived their next lives…
(Obviously, these people are Buddhists. Or Hindu. Or do Shintoists also have the entire reincarnation philosophy… Oh, the scene itself? There were the usual anime effects of glistening tear drops falling off into the nether unknown at such poignant separation scenes.)
"Jack."
"April."
For no reason at all, Jack dipped his mouth towards April's, April tilted her face to meet Jack's, and they were all set to kiss and make up and you know, the things Bridget and May did when May was not yet missing and turned ev–but on to the story.
"A-HAH!"
Three guys, all of them perverts, had appeared. One was this blonde guy who the P4 can't really describe and so will be confined to such lack of description, the second this tall guy with weird eyebrows and who liked to sniff at girls, and the third was a really fat guy who called himself the E-Cup Guy. Go figure the last one out.
"You sneaky traitor!"
"You've already beaten us all to a girl!"
"And we thought you were the most normal guy in our school!"
The three perverts a.k.a. the hentai trio from Green Green all shook their fists at Jack. "Jack! You already was going to say a bad word but then it would get censored so changes word instead to less offensive term made out with this girl, didn't you? Admit it! You're as much a pervert as Sheo Darren is!"
"Do you know these guys?' April asked.
Sweat-dropping, Jack said: "Never seen them before in my life."
Then there was his teacher staring at them in shock, and then all of Jack's classmates staring at them in shock, and practically everyone he knew were staring at them in shock. And the worst part of it all? Jack couldn't bring himself to counter those accusing stares, not so long as he was still pinning April to the floor in that stupidly ecchi position of theirs that for some silly anime reason they just didn't want to–
And then in the tradition of the story focus shifting rapidly a la Sheo Darren, a savior arrives: Ikari no Ken, Ebs: Metal Freak's original character who was the local war freak fist fighter guy who just hated perverts.
"DIE, PERVERTED SCUM! YOU FOUL FIENDS WILL FEEL MY FLAMING FIST OF FIGHTING FURY!"
"Who came up with such a lame alliterating one-liner?" April asked Jack as they stealthily snuck away from the martial arts madman mauling the maliciously-minded monstrosities of men.
"Try taking a crack at Serious Sam 2."
"Why not?' Then, April added: "You owe me one."
"Eh?" That was when, out of sight of everyone, April kissed Jack full on the lips.
Ebs: Metal Freak, Tanabe Akihiro, Arvi, De Balucard, Leon Winchester, Doctor Thrax, the Purple Dinosaur (alive again, or at least just for this moment), Justin, Carlo, the yaoi loving schoolgirls (what schoolgirl doesn't love yaoi?) and basically everyone who had watched Green Green all throw various objects at the TV screen.
(Wait; that rhymed…)
"You dumb ass!" everyone was yelling. "Quoting TRUE Unknown: What the hell kind of idea was this, Sheo? Lifting the entire episode 1 of Green Green? Sheo, you really are a pervert like all of us!"
"And you took my original created character," accused Ebs. "Damn you, Sheo!"
Laughter resounded from the TV they were using– it was actually the Boob Tube of Doom Mk II! "I have tricked you all! Now: Prepare to be destroyed!"
As the TV screen shifts into Evil Mode, Zangief (from the Street Fighter live-action movie ruined by the Americans) urged: "Quick; change the channel!"
Everyone stared at him.
"Uh, am I going to die now?"
"Kill Riel and we will let you live."
"Okay. Spinning Clothesliner!"
Zangief took off Purple Dinosaur's head with Spinning Clothesliner. Of course it's dead. It lost its head. Respawn point in next chapter…
"Argh! Not again! Second time in this chapter! Why always me? And why doesn't death let me smell the feather of an angel like Noir says in the opening song? Damn you, P4!"
The ball pen came to a stop at last, as the writer reviewed the summary of this entire insane chapter. He read the lines solemnly, enunciating each word with the same love he felt for so many girls he had been forced to leave behind for a short while.
"Sol and Kagura must realize they share something special. Bridget must defeat Sister Rosette for a clue to May's whereabouts. Sho Tsuzuku is spreading his dark evil with the help of a girl whose identity is a bit too obvious. The Wanderer will lead Justine and Athena to the source of their inspiration. Lone Wolf SIX is at war, but he will not defeat the P4. Green Green is ecchi and a bad influence. Dizzy and Hotaru are now friends. The Author Wars are finally in motion; may Blackheart ZERO be praised. Nazareth and Hikki and Jackie are dragged into this mess. Finally, Jack and April kiss.
"Personal note: Kill every fan boy and created character I meet."
He glances at the picture of all his girls and smiles, his strength renewed. He would come back a new man, changed. His return would herald a new promise.
He would be back. He promised.