It was disgusting! Day after day, she had to clean up after two spoiled,
selfish hogs! It made her wonder sometimes how she ever ended up with her
life this way. Marrying Vernon Dursley may have been a strategic move for
her, providing her a life of economic convenience, but sometimes she wished
she had just thrown her bowl of banana pudding in his face when he
proposed. And now, she was stuck with Vernon and his clone!
As if the life itself wasn't bad enough. It had been years since Vernon had done anything for her in bed. ANYTHING! It was something that helped her through the nights in the early years of her marriage. Vernon was willing to do anything and everything Petunia asked of him. He really wasn't all that bad at some of it, either. But now, it was over. In his mid-thirties, Vernon just lost it. Honestly, he was just a limp noodle. Petunia sometimes worried that she was doomed to a life of celibacy.
Then, in the winter 1996, Petunia found what she needed. She found a sex god. The best thing about this sex god was that he couldn't remember a single thing. She secretly took Harry to St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies to visit one of his strange little friends, and ran into Gilderoy Lockhart. He asked if he knew her (he didn't at the time ;-)) and then asked if she was "busy." Petunia felt it odd that someone like this should ask her for anything, but she figured "why the hell not?"
It took one visit to St. Mungo's to cure Petunia's fear of celibacy. Gilderoy knew exactly where to touch her, exactly what pressure to use, with perfect timing and accuracy. He was everything Vernon would have dreamed he could be, if only Vernon wasn't so stubborn about his fear of imagination. Petunia vowed that she would visit Gilderoy again and again.
The sweetest thing about the entire situation was that she could never get caught. She had her tubes tied years ago (you don't think she'd want another Dursley running around terrorizing people?!?!?!?), and Gilderoy couldn't remember a thing, so he couldn't blackmail her and tell anyone. She had found a satisfying, dirty little secret. Boy, was it a good secret!
As if the life itself wasn't bad enough. It had been years since Vernon had done anything for her in bed. ANYTHING! It was something that helped her through the nights in the early years of her marriage. Vernon was willing to do anything and everything Petunia asked of him. He really wasn't all that bad at some of it, either. But now, it was over. In his mid-thirties, Vernon just lost it. Honestly, he was just a limp noodle. Petunia sometimes worried that she was doomed to a life of celibacy.
Then, in the winter 1996, Petunia found what she needed. She found a sex god. The best thing about this sex god was that he couldn't remember a single thing. She secretly took Harry to St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies to visit one of his strange little friends, and ran into Gilderoy Lockhart. He asked if he knew her (he didn't at the time ;-)) and then asked if she was "busy." Petunia felt it odd that someone like this should ask her for anything, but she figured "why the hell not?"
It took one visit to St. Mungo's to cure Petunia's fear of celibacy. Gilderoy knew exactly where to touch her, exactly what pressure to use, with perfect timing and accuracy. He was everything Vernon would have dreamed he could be, if only Vernon wasn't so stubborn about his fear of imagination. Petunia vowed that she would visit Gilderoy again and again.
The sweetest thing about the entire situation was that she could never get caught. She had her tubes tied years ago (you don't think she'd want another Dursley running around terrorizing people?!?!?!?), and Gilderoy couldn't remember a thing, so he couldn't blackmail her and tell anyone. She had found a satisfying, dirty little secret. Boy, was it a good secret!