Return to Insanity
Chapter Two: Imperial Command
"There are so many things wrong with this situation." Bakura thought but out loud he asked. "Marik... what exactly did you just say?"
"Mellon means 'friend' in Elvish." Ryou said and Bakura stared at his hikari as if the boy had grown a third head.
"...What?" he managed to get out.
"Haven't read Lord of the Rings have you Bakura?" Malik asked skeptically. The Tomb Robber looked at Malik pointedly.
"Do I look like I have read it?"
"No."
"There's your answer."
"Oh, but you should read it 'Kura! It is soooo good!"
Bakura looked down at the thing which looked like Marik but couldn't possibly be Marik because Marik did not act like this.
"When I was trapped in the Shadow Realm I got soooo bored so I started watching everything through Hikari-pretty's eyes. He read these books and they were what allowed me to keep whatever sanity I had left." Marik said matter-of-factly and Bakura looked as if he seriously doubted that the books had kept Marik's sanity but didn't mention it.
"Did Yami say he was going home?" Bakura asked, his face caught between grim determination and sadistic malice.
Malik shrugged. "I don't know. Probably."
Bakura grinned and untangled his arm from Marik's grasp. "Good. Then I am going to go and-"
"Bakura." Ryou's voice was threatening.
The Yami glared at his hikari but said nothing heading towards the door.
"Mellen 'Kura, can I come and help you sadistically torture the Pharaoh?" Marik asked hopefully.
"No."
"But-"
"Thinking, no."
Marik pouted as Bakura walked out the door.
"You have to unpack always Marik." Ryou pointed out helpfully.
"You mean I can stay?" Marik asked, turning to look at the lighter Bakura.
"You mean he can stay?" Malik was looking at the other hikari in shock.
"I think it would be good for Bakura to have a friend around here." was all Ryou said in answer.
"Yea right." Malik muttered. "It'll kill Bakura to have a friend around here."
Yugi normally was not one to leave everything until last minute, but well, one paper he had let go and it took staying up all night two days in a row to finish it. But he had persevered and handed it in on time, so now all he wanted to do was sleep. This shouldn't have been a problem with Joey out somewhere and Yami watching TV (procrastinating again). But it was not to be.
"PHARAOH I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU!"
Yugi started out of sleep to see Yami actually back into his bedroom looking scared. Wait... Yami scared... of Bakura?
The Tomb Robber did not wait for a sign of welcome but walked right through the wall (one of his talents that had made robbing pyramids ever so much easier). He spotted Yugi who was blinking groggily at the newcomer. "Where's your other?" he asked, his voice deadly soft.
"In his bedroom." Yugi said sleepily, not really paying attention to the sounds coming from his link with his yami.
The Tomb Robber grinned sadistically and then entered Yami's bedroom in the same manner that he had entered the dorm to begin with. There were a few seconds of quiet before:
"AND IT'S ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT!"
"HOW IS IT MY FAULT?"
"YOU SENT HIM THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!"
"SO WOULD HAVE ANYONE ELSE AT THE TIME! AND I DID ALLOW HIM TO COME BACK!"
Yugi groaned. His yami had said that the two of them were not ever going to become... allies any time soon but this was really getting annoying to the two hikaris.
"YOU ONLY ALLOWED MARIK BACK BECAUSE MALIK COULDN'T EXIST WITHOUT THE OTHER HALF OF HIS SOUL. FACE IT PHARAOH IT'S YOUR FAULT!"
Yugi mentally pleaded with Yami to just give in to Bakura so the Tomb Robber would leave and he could then get some sleep. Yami grumbled but agreed.
"All right Tomb Robber. Let's say hypothetically say it's my fault. What do I do about it now? You saw him. He's content enough to make jokes about my hair is he not?"
"Yes, but everyone could make a remark about your hair. And plus what happened when you were there isn't the point. HE WANTS TO LEARN TO TANGO FOR RA'S SAKE!"
Yami was silent for many long moments. "Putting aside that... disturbing fact, what do you expect me to do about it? I can't change his mindset you know.
"I don't know what I want you to do about it!" Bakura snapped, walking out of the bedroom to leave. "BUT I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING!"
Yugi sighed in relief as Bakura left. Finally some sleep.
"Yugi... I think we may have a problem." Yami spoke to him through the link.
"Can't it wait until after I get some sleep, Yami?"
"I don't know. Can you kill anyone by tango-ing?"
"I suppose so, but you would really have to try."
"Then it can't wait."
Bakura had come home that night very late, so late that the only one still around was Malik (who was avidly engaged in watching the Yu-Yu-Hakusho marathon) and had barricaded himself in his room with a bottle of ketchup, not to reappear in the house until the next morning. And it was very late the next morning when he appeared in the kitchen and grabbed a nutrition bar from its box in the cupboard. Because of everyone in the house's amazing cooking skills, (Ryou wasn't the best cook but at least he was better than his yami) the three of them were used to starting the day on something that didn't have to be cooked and then buying a hot meal later. But as Bakura passed the sink he saw something strange. Dirty dishes. Dishes? There shouldn't be any dishes because to have dishes one needs a cooking ability. But low and behold there were four dishes sitting in the sink. But Bakura shrugged it off. Maybe Ryou had felt in a cooking mood this morning before he headed off for class.
The Tomb Robber moved to the dining room next and sat down in one of the chairs munching on the bar nonchalantly.
"Morning, Bakura." Malik said between mouthfuls of scrambled egg.
Bakura looked at Malik strangely. Sure he was used to Malik sitting in the dinning room typing furiously in order to get his late assignment done. But he was not used to Malik typing furiously with one hand while shoveling a cooked breakfast down his throat with another.
The Tomb Robber watched Marik silently for a moment. "Did Ryou feel like cooking this morning?"
"No he left for class early, said he'd get something after class. I think there's breakfast on the stove for you though."
Bakura was puzzled as he walked into the kitchen. Sure enough there were three plates laid out on the stove to warm. They only puzzled Bakura more as Ryou was always trying to get him to cook his meat before he ate it, but there it was, uncooked bacon lying next to scrambled eggs. And a nicely raw steak sitting by itself on another, and a batch of pancakes on the third, covered in red ketchup instead of syrup. All was exactly the way Bakura would have liked to make his breakfast, if he could get over his issues with the stove. He set the plates on the kitchen table and got out a fork but for some reason stood there starring at the food. Malik couldn't have made it because the food would have been blackened to a harder-than-brick state. Ryou would have cooked his meat. And he most definitely did not do any cooking that morning. Then it hit him... literally.
"Good-MORNING 'KURA!"
"Good. Morning. Marik." Bakura wheezed out as he disentangled Marik's arms from his person.
"Oh, did I interrupt you from breakfast?" Marik looked down at the table where Bakura had placed the plates. "I will stop."
Bakura sighed and sat down. "What poisons did you put in it Marik?"
Marik giggled, sitting down across from Bakura. "I did not poison the food Bakura. I cooked it! Well... in your case I didn't have to cook much."
Bakura rolled his eyes as he began eating. Surprisingly the food was really good... more than eatable good. Really good.
"Where did you learn to cook Marik?" Bakura asked, mentally adding, "Especially since Malik can't cook at all."
"Isis taught me." Marik said. "She said that if I wasn't going to work I could at least do all the cooking and cleaning."
Bakura was starring at Marik strangely but the Egyptian didn't seem to notice, to caught up in his narrative.
"I told her I could provide money, but she said that thievery was out of the question, but I said it wasn't steeling if the people gave the money to you, and she said-"
"I get the picture Marik." Bakura muttered, thankful when the phone rang which gave Marik something else to do.
"Hel-lo! Bakura-Ishtar Residence!"
"Um, Malik... Have you been mixing sugar and ketchup again?"
Marik's eye twitched as he heard Tea's voice. "Malik is not on the phone at the moment." he chirped. "Would you like me to get him for you?"
"... ... Is this Ryou?"
"Nope."
"... ... Bakura?"
"Wrong again!"
Bakura could barely hold in his laughter as Marik waited for Tea's next guess.
"Um... then who is this?"
"I'm sorry we already subscribe to this magazine. Good-bye!" Marik hung up the phone and Bakura let out a bark of laughter.
The phone rang again, a few seconds later and this time it was Malik who answered.
"Hello? Oh, Tea... no that was my yami. Yes... don't remind me... oh right. Sorry I forgot."
Bakura seemed to know what was going on in the phone conversation because he suddenly became very vocal. "NO! I will NOT allow that woman to ANALYZE me!"
Marik was very confused by now so he asked what was going on. However, Bakura was busy ranting about how he would not let Tea near him with a clipboard, and Malik was busy ignoring said Tomb Robber while assuring Tea that it was okay to perform said analyzation on Bakura, so neither of them explained the situation to Marik. Therefore, the Egyptian was still quite lost when the doorbell rang.
"I'll just go get that..." he muttered, backing out of the room. He made a bee-line to the door and opened it to see a brunette standing on the doorstep, dressed mostly in pink and holding a pink cell-phone.
"Sorry, Girl Scout cookies aren't on my diet." Marik said going to close the door.
"Marik who is it?" Malik asked from the kitchen where one could still hear the mutterings of one tomb robber.
"I don't know." Marik shut the door going back towards the kitchen. "Some Girl Scout I think... looked like a Girl Scout."
Malik sighed as the person on the phone had started making comments in his ear about his yami. "Marik. Go open the door and let her in."
"NO! LOCK THE DOOR MARIK!" Bakura yelled.
"Okay!" Marik grinned, locking the door.
The tomb robber smirked triumphantly at the disheveled hikari. Malik sighed, hanging up the phone and forcefully opening the door to admit the girl into the house.
"Sorry about that Tea."
"Oh, that's okay Malik. You can't expect Marik to remember me... I doubt my name was even really mentioned in his presence." Tea said cheerfully, digging through her pink backpack and taking out a clipboard. "Now, where's that elusive tomb robber."
"Probably hiding in the the bomb shelter out back." Malik said sarcastically.
"We have a bomb shelter?!?" Bakura demanded. "WHY was I not informed?"
Marik thought for a moment. "Bakura-mellon... I think my hikari was joking."
"Oh." Bakura pouted then realized that Tea was in the room. "See ya later." he muttered, heading for the stairs.
"NO BAKURA GET BACK HERE!" Malik yelled, grabbing onto the tomb robber's arm. "We all took the personality quiz/questionnaire thing and now it's your turn."
"NO! I have SEEN those questions Malik! I don't want to be ANALYZED!" Bakura shrieked.
"I don't understand." Marik pouted. "What's wrong with Bakura-mellon?"
"Well Marik." Tea said cheerfully. "In order to pass my psychology class I have to have a certain number of people answer the questions on this sheet so I can have data to analyze in class. And it turns out that I have the exact number of friends that I need to fill out the sheet! But Bakura does not want to be analyzed..."
"Damn right!" Bakura muttered, attempting to break free of Malik's grasp.
"Was I included in this?" Marik asked, looking at the sheet of paper. It seemed harmless enough.
"Well, no. You weren't' around when this was assigned." Tea said.
"Oh, then I could take this... thing instead of Bakura!" Marik smiled at Bakura who looked stunned.
"That's a great idea Marik!" Tea said, pushing the clipboard and a pencil at the blond.
"Okay... but before I fill this out I have a few questions. One, what is psychology and two... how do you know my name when I have no recollection of you?"
A few minutes later Marik sat filling out the questionnaire. It was actually quite easy and Marik was enjoying it.
"Hmmm... burn things up... watch things die... destroy stuff... DONE!" Marik chirped.
His hikari looked over the questionnaire and sweatdropped. "Well Tea, this will certainly give your teacher something to think about..."
"That's good then, it means less homework for me." Tea smiled. "Thanks again Marik!" And the brunette left the house.
"Hikari... I'm still confused about who exactly was that person... was she some mind slave that you turned without me knowing?"
"Yea... something like that." Marik said, not wanting to go into detail about the conditions of Tea's enslavement.
"BAKURA!" Ryou's voice broke out through the house, his fury evident.
"WHAT?" Bakura shot back with just as much force after taking a gulp of ketchup.
"YOU ARE SO PATHETIC! YOU CAN'T EVEN TAKE A SIMPLE PSYCHOLOGY QUESTIONNAIRE TO HELP ONE OF OUR FRIENDS-"
"Your friend not mine, hikari." Bakura pointed out.
"I don't know what I'm going to do with you Bakura." Ryou sighed.
"How about you leave me alone. You already took away my knives and other sharp and pointy objects, what more can you do to ruin my life?"
"Bakura, you threatened to kill our neighbor because their cat looked at you wrong! I had to take away your knives or we would have had the police breathing down our necks."
"Heh, I could have killed them too."
"BAKURA!" Ryou groaned. "Fine then... I'll just have to take away your Jerry Springer privileges then."
"WHAT?!?!"
"It's either that or your ketchup, but if I removed your ketchup I could be accused of starving you." Ryou remarked, heading up the stairs towards his and Malik's room. "And if I catch you even thinking about watching Jerry Springer I'll kick you out of the house so the only place you could go would be to Yami and Yugi."
"WHAT?!?"
Marik headed downstairs to the kitchen to hear the entire conversation and to see a shell shocked Bakura sitting at the kitchen table.
"Oh, poor Bakura. You did not tell me that Ryou took away your entire collection of sharp and pointy things! I would have shared mine with you!" Marik sobbed into Bakura's shoulder.
"You have a collection of sharp and pointy things?" Bakura asked, momentarily forgetting the loss of his beloved Jerry.
"Yes! Isis bought them for me so that I would have no reason not to cook for her. Butcher knives, scalpels, butter spreaders, machete knives- you name it, I've got it."
A devious smile crossed Bakura's face. "I'll have to remember that later." He filled the information away for future reference. Then he had a brilliant idea.
"Hey Marik?"
"Yes Bakura-mellon-who-is-so-deprived-of-living-necessities-right-now?"
"Do you know what channel Jerry Springer is on?"
"Yes."
"Hmmm... then do you think you could go into the living room and turn the TV on to that channel and watch it?"
"But how will that help you Bakura-mellon?" Marik cocked his head in confusion.
"Don't worry, Marik, it will. You'll see."
"OKAY!"
In a few seconds Bakura could hear the tell-tale signs of Jerry Springer. Grinning like a maniac, Bakura sauntered into the living room. "Oh look." he said in a dramatic voice. "Marik just happens to be watching Jerry Springer, OH WELL, I guess if I'm going to sit in the living room I have no choice but to watch it!" Bakura sat down contentedly on the living room couch on the opposite side as Marik.
Ten minutes later:
"Bakura I don't get why you like this so much." Marik's head had somehow found it's way onto Bakura's lap but he was to enthralled in the show to notice. "I mean, just look at him! It's obvious that he's a transsexual!"
"I know, that's the brilliance of it! Those idiots didn't realize it and know their mad! Hah! Serves them right."
"... ... Bakura... do you have any raisins?"
"I think we might in the refrigerator." Bakura muttered, still watching the show avidly.
Marik moved off into the kitchen in search of his snack.
"Bakura..." Ryou's voice sounded in warning tones as the hikari saw Bakura watching Jerry Springer.
"It wasn't my fault Ryou, Marik turned on the TV and was watching it. I actually came in here to do crossword puzzles." Bakura brandished a newspaper at Ryou that had been lying on the coffee table.
"Bakura, that's the sport's section."
"Exactly. I was looking up an answer."
The hikari sighed as Marik walked out into the room with a very large bag of raisins.
"You didn't have any. Lucky I brought my own."
"You brought raisins all the way from Egypt?" Bakura was momentarily distracted from the TV during a commercial at Ryou's comment.
"Yup. Love Raisins. Their so chewy!" Marik chirped sitting back on the couch and again laying his head back into the tomb robber's lap as said tomb robber was currently enthralled with his television show. "I could eat only raisins for the rest of my life and be perfectly content. Raisins for breakfast, raisins for lunch, and raisins for dinner-"
"Am I the only one in this house without a strange fascination for a certain food?!?" Ryou asked, looking up to the ceiling as if looking to heaven.
"Probably." Bakura muttered "You're abnormal enough not to have one", finally realizing where Marik's head was he pushed the blond off his lap.
"Hey!" said blond pouted. Bakura glared at him and went back to watching his show.
Marik pouted, curling up at his end of the sofa and eating his raisins.
Ryou raised an eyebrow at their actions and mentally wished Marik the best of luck. Bakura was not easy to get through to.
Author's Note:
Rio: Whew, well there it is... such a long chapter that turned out to be!
Rio: *aplaudes* I knew you could do it Rio!
Rio: ^.^ Please review... you know you want to.