LINK ON TRIAL
Act I: Scene 2
(ENTER Mido, dressed in a green blazer. Following him is his fairy)
Mido: (Impatiently) Okay, I'm here. What do you want me to do?
Darunia: (Picks up a rather large book) Place your right hand on the ancient book of Hylian creation and law, the book of Mudora, and say the usual.
Mido: What usual? I have no clue what's the system here. I'm from the forest.
Darunia: (Confused) F-ORE-S-T? What's that?
Mido: A place surrounded by trees.
Darunia: (Even more so confused) Trees? What are trees?
Mido: You can't be serious. How thick are you Gorons? You're as about as dense as a deku nut.
Darunia: Nut?
Mido: Never mind, tell me what to say..
Darunia: (He seems slightly glazed over by the facts about forests.) Sure, (snaps out of it) do you swear to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Din, goddess of fire and power, Farore, goddess of wind and wisdom, and Nayrua goddess (coughs loudly for a couple of seconds) of courage. Otherwise, may my soul rot in the deseret for all eternity.
Mido: You can't be serious. You expect me to say all of...
Darunia: My eyes to burn, my heart to break, my feet to grow icky calluses, my family to plagued with the bubonic plague, my village to be over ran with ravage, savage, possessed, mean-hearted, disrespectable.
Mido: I'll recite it. I guess . . .
Darunia: Most evil, god forsakened creature ever: THE CUCKOU!
(The crowd gasps in fear. Malon faints. Her father, Talon, helps her to her feet.)
Mido: You can't expect me to bring such a curse upon the forest. (He catches himself and looks around the room.) Not that I would lie, so that Link would be imprisoned and I have a chance to score with Saria. (The court looks at him.) I couldn't bring myself to it! I can't falsely accuse Link. It's against my morals! We were best of buds when he was a kid!
Rauru: If you expect us to trust you then say the sacred oath! (A herald of choir like music is heard in the distance.)
Mido: (Sweating feverishly) I'll do it. I swear to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Din, goddess of fire and power, Farore, goddess of wind and wisdom, and Nayrua goddess (coughs loudly to emulate Darunia) of courage. Otherwise, may my soul rot in the deseret for all eternity. My eyes to burn, my heart to break, my feet to grow icky calluses, my family to plagued with the bubonic plague, my village to be over ran with ravage, savage, possessed, mean-hearted, disrespectable, most evil, god forsaken creature ever: THE CUCKOU!
Malon: (Regains consciousness briefly) NOOOO! (She faints once more.)
Raura: Good, now you can't lie. For you have taken the sacred oath. (Another herald of choir like music is heard in the distance.) Ganondorf, please begin your questioning of the witness.
Ganondorf: It shall be my extreme pleasure. Mido, please to us in awesome superb detail what Link did before leaving the Koriki forest.
Mido: It started when the great Hero of Time, Link began to act up in the forest. He was always a little uppity. But ever since he got a "destiny" we all became like crap to him. Shows how much he cares, the little bas... bass guitar playing guy, because he, uh, played bass or something while in Terminia. (He adlibs, trying to cover himself)
Ganondorf: Cough, sword, cough.
Mido: Getting back to my main point, one day he decided to steal our sword! A beloved treasure to the forest.
Ganondorf: Could you please describe this sword to us. Spare no detail.
Mido: Yes, it was small and stubby. Small so you could stab people with its stubbiness, or extremely stubby so you could poke people with its smallness. The very design is absolute genius. It took years for our people to develop the weapon. So precious was its smallness and stubbiness, we decided to put it in chest to make sure the blade would remain whetted. To make sure it still remained upon to the public, we put it behind a clove with ever-rolling boulders behind an impossibly small tunnel, which is the usual custom of our people.
Ganondorf: Jury, please take note of what he just said. Especially the part about Mido's sword being small and stubby. (Snickers traverse around the courtroom, and Mido becomes insulted.) Excuse me, I meant the Koriki sword, not Mido's sword.
Darunia: Zing!
Ganondorf: Now Mido, could you please describe to us what happened after Link stole the sword.
Mido: I was protecting the entrance to the Deku Tree's Lair, and Link threatened me with the beloved Koriki sword! (He starts to cry.) And when he came back, the Deku tree was dead! He killed it! I tried to stop him, but he left the forest. That's when I relinquished my pursuit of him, because at the time I thought Link would die after when leaving the forest, like all Koriki (He regains his composure). It turns out he was Hylian, the stupid wank.
Navi: Wait, if Koriki can't leave the forest, then how did you get in this courtroom?
Mido: (Confused) Why, I don't know. In fact I shouldn't...
(POP! Mido suddenly disappears from existence. The whole court room looks around in shock)
Ganondorf: Sh#t, the little devil must have thought himself out of existence. Unless... (He walks to Darunia and opens his mouth.) Da*n. He isn't in there (closes it). Your honor, I'm done questing the witness.
Rarua: Huh? (He snaps out of his daydream.) Oh, Navi you may proceed to cross-examine the witness.
Navi: (Stressed) This is going to be a long day.
End of Act I: Scene II
Act I: Scene 2
(ENTER Mido, dressed in a green blazer. Following him is his fairy)
Mido: (Impatiently) Okay, I'm here. What do you want me to do?
Darunia: (Picks up a rather large book) Place your right hand on the ancient book of Hylian creation and law, the book of Mudora, and say the usual.
Mido: What usual? I have no clue what's the system here. I'm from the forest.
Darunia: (Confused) F-ORE-S-T? What's that?
Mido: A place surrounded by trees.
Darunia: (Even more so confused) Trees? What are trees?
Mido: You can't be serious. How thick are you Gorons? You're as about as dense as a deku nut.
Darunia: Nut?
Mido: Never mind, tell me what to say..
Darunia: (He seems slightly glazed over by the facts about forests.) Sure, (snaps out of it) do you swear to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Din, goddess of fire and power, Farore, goddess of wind and wisdom, and Nayrua goddess (coughs loudly for a couple of seconds) of courage. Otherwise, may my soul rot in the deseret for all eternity.
Mido: You can't be serious. You expect me to say all of...
Darunia: My eyes to burn, my heart to break, my feet to grow icky calluses, my family to plagued with the bubonic plague, my village to be over ran with ravage, savage, possessed, mean-hearted, disrespectable.
Mido: I'll recite it. I guess . . .
Darunia: Most evil, god forsakened creature ever: THE CUCKOU!
(The crowd gasps in fear. Malon faints. Her father, Talon, helps her to her feet.)
Mido: You can't expect me to bring such a curse upon the forest. (He catches himself and looks around the room.) Not that I would lie, so that Link would be imprisoned and I have a chance to score with Saria. (The court looks at him.) I couldn't bring myself to it! I can't falsely accuse Link. It's against my morals! We were best of buds when he was a kid!
Rauru: If you expect us to trust you then say the sacred oath! (A herald of choir like music is heard in the distance.)
Mido: (Sweating feverishly) I'll do it. I swear to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Din, goddess of fire and power, Farore, goddess of wind and wisdom, and Nayrua goddess (coughs loudly to emulate Darunia) of courage. Otherwise, may my soul rot in the deseret for all eternity. My eyes to burn, my heart to break, my feet to grow icky calluses, my family to plagued with the bubonic plague, my village to be over ran with ravage, savage, possessed, mean-hearted, disrespectable, most evil, god forsaken creature ever: THE CUCKOU!
Malon: (Regains consciousness briefly) NOOOO! (She faints once more.)
Raura: Good, now you can't lie. For you have taken the sacred oath. (Another herald of choir like music is heard in the distance.) Ganondorf, please begin your questioning of the witness.
Ganondorf: It shall be my extreme pleasure. Mido, please to us in awesome superb detail what Link did before leaving the Koriki forest.
Mido: It started when the great Hero of Time, Link began to act up in the forest. He was always a little uppity. But ever since he got a "destiny" we all became like crap to him. Shows how much he cares, the little bas... bass guitar playing guy, because he, uh, played bass or something while in Terminia. (He adlibs, trying to cover himself)
Ganondorf: Cough, sword, cough.
Mido: Getting back to my main point, one day he decided to steal our sword! A beloved treasure to the forest.
Ganondorf: Could you please describe this sword to us. Spare no detail.
Mido: Yes, it was small and stubby. Small so you could stab people with its stubbiness, or extremely stubby so you could poke people with its smallness. The very design is absolute genius. It took years for our people to develop the weapon. So precious was its smallness and stubbiness, we decided to put it in chest to make sure the blade would remain whetted. To make sure it still remained upon to the public, we put it behind a clove with ever-rolling boulders behind an impossibly small tunnel, which is the usual custom of our people.
Ganondorf: Jury, please take note of what he just said. Especially the part about Mido's sword being small and stubby. (Snickers traverse around the courtroom, and Mido becomes insulted.) Excuse me, I meant the Koriki sword, not Mido's sword.
Darunia: Zing!
Ganondorf: Now Mido, could you please describe to us what happened after Link stole the sword.
Mido: I was protecting the entrance to the Deku Tree's Lair, and Link threatened me with the beloved Koriki sword! (He starts to cry.) And when he came back, the Deku tree was dead! He killed it! I tried to stop him, but he left the forest. That's when I relinquished my pursuit of him, because at the time I thought Link would die after when leaving the forest, like all Koriki (He regains his composure). It turns out he was Hylian, the stupid wank.
Navi: Wait, if Koriki can't leave the forest, then how did you get in this courtroom?
Mido: (Confused) Why, I don't know. In fact I shouldn't...
(POP! Mido suddenly disappears from existence. The whole court room looks around in shock)
Ganondorf: Sh#t, the little devil must have thought himself out of existence. Unless... (He walks to Darunia and opens his mouth.) Da*n. He isn't in there (closes it). Your honor, I'm done questing the witness.
Rarua: Huh? (He snaps out of his daydream.) Oh, Navi you may proceed to cross-examine the witness.
Navi: (Stressed) This is going to be a long day.
End of Act I: Scene II