Behold! It is Chapter Two!
All CC and praise very much appreciated, flames accepted but they must be good, amusing flames as opposed to ones with no good content. They must also have a beginning, middle and end.
DISCLAIMER: 'Lord of the Rings' is not my property, and I do not claim it or its characters as my own. Any references to any persons living or dead in this parody is purely coincidental.
CHAPTER TWO: The Not-So-Mysterious Plothole
The party had been and gone, mildly successfully. Bilbo was planning another for his birthday in four months' time, and was snowed under in paperwork as he attempted to find a venue for the proposed party.
Meanwhile, Frodo Baggins was lamenting his loss of childhood innocence in prose-and-angst-ridden monologues (in the rhyming sequence ABABABABABAB, because he wasn't very imaginative and couldn't work out how to write a sonnet.). He was feeling quite philosophical, so he was pondering the meaning of life when he received an unwelcome shock to his system...
"And so, that's how I got to Hobbiton!" The blonde-haired girl, now at the end of her explanation after a good twenty minutes of 'background history', as she called it, squealed. I would give you her explanation, but it's far too long and utterly pointless- save to say all you really need to know is that she came out of a mirror, and she is now stuck in Hobbiton, which she's devastated about. Not.
"Uh... Okay," Frodo Baggins smiled warily, "But why are you here at Bag End? And most importantly, when do you propose to go home?"
Frodo Baggins' IQ, as you can probably tell, has inexplicably risen by a few hundred points in the last paragraph or so, but since it was in the minus numbers before, no one really bothered about it that much.
"Never!" The blonde-haired girl grinned, "Because I am going to help you with your Quest! I'm better than all those other stupid walkers put together! Plus I speak nearly fluent Japanese, because I can say Chibi- Chan! And I have the ability to overuse exclamation marks and stupid figures of speech in an annoying manner consistently throughout my monologues! And I'm really, really good at going off the point. And I'm beautiful. And I can say 'And' a lot. And I can write in really short sentences much better than you can. And-"
"Shut up!" Frodo cried, traumatised, "Can you just tell me your name? Then I'll introduce you to Bilbo."
"Oh my GOD! Bilbo! He's freaky, right? He is in the movie!" The girl squealed.
"Uh... yeah," Frodo grimaced. He needed to get away from this girl as fast as possible.
"My name's Ella Moonflower,"The girl smiled. Frodo started to relax- at least he could pronounce her name, "But that's only for short," She continued. Frodo groaned.
"I'll stick with the short version," Frodo winced, "Look! It's Pippin!" He ran away faster than he'd ever run before. This was about equivalent to the speed of a slow-moving slug, but it was fast enough to get away from the maniac trying to 'seduce' him.
"Where's the cute Scottish guy?" Ella Moonflower pouted, "I wanna see... Aaaaahhhh!" She screamed as she vanished into a gaping plothole already clogged up with other random chunks of this story. Thank Eru she didn't have time to tell us about her eyes- they changed colour, and we would have been here all day. Well, I would. You can choose if you read this or not.
"'Ello, Mister Frodo," Samwise Gamgee exclaimed cheerfully in his strange accent which originates either from Yorkshire or some distant corner of Scotland. Or perhaps the Shetland Isles.
"Hello Sam," Frodo said, obviously thrilled by this exciting conversation.
"Do you want to go on a Quest?" Same asked, getting to the point.
"No," Frodo frowned, "We have to wait for Gandalf to tell us before we go on a quest. Do you remember the last one, when we discovered fanfic? I'm not going through that again. Remember the one about us in High School? Whatever High School is..."
"Yes!" Sam was angered at the memory, "Of course I do! We were comic relief whilst someone called Legolas-"
"He appears in Chapter Four of this thing," Frodo interrupted, flicking through a sheaf of printed-out pages.
"Well, anyway," Sam continued, "He courted an angst-ridden Goth-Punk-Poser girl with no personality!"
"And that's why we shouldn't go on a quest without Gandalf again," Frodo nodded sagely.
"Yes," Sam said, "Only I read on through this awful excuse for a parody and we get asked on a Quest-"
"With a capital 'Q'?" Frodo asked, stunned.
"With a capital 'Q'," Sam nodded. "Anyway, we get asked on a Quest in a few seco-"Sam was not able to finish his sentence, because at that moment Gandalf the Grey himself emerged from a plothole, flustered and adjusting his all-conquering pointy hat.
"I am Gandalf the Grey, also known as He-Who-Insists-That-Every-Alternate- Word-Must-Be-Capitalised. Do you want to go on a Quest?"
"Why would I want to do that?" Frodo laughed.
"You'll find out in the next chapter of this parody," Gandalf said, trying in vain to perfect his mysterious look. He needed to please his female fans, after all. A cynical part of Sam wondered, 'What female fans?', but he told himself he was just jealous of Gandalf's ability to 'perfect' many different facial expressions.
You will indeed find out the purpose of the Quest next chapter. Although if you've either read the books or seen the movies you'll no what it is anyway, and if you haven't I'd have a tendency to wonder why you're reading 'Lord of the Rings' fanfiction. The clue is in the title, anyway.
All CC and praise very much appreciated, flames accepted but they must be good, amusing flames as opposed to ones with no good content. They must also have a beginning, middle and end.
DISCLAIMER: 'Lord of the Rings' is not my property, and I do not claim it or its characters as my own. Any references to any persons living or dead in this parody is purely coincidental.
CHAPTER TWO: The Not-So-Mysterious Plothole
The party had been and gone, mildly successfully. Bilbo was planning another for his birthday in four months' time, and was snowed under in paperwork as he attempted to find a venue for the proposed party.
Meanwhile, Frodo Baggins was lamenting his loss of childhood innocence in prose-and-angst-ridden monologues (in the rhyming sequence ABABABABABAB, because he wasn't very imaginative and couldn't work out how to write a sonnet.). He was feeling quite philosophical, so he was pondering the meaning of life when he received an unwelcome shock to his system...
"And so, that's how I got to Hobbiton!" The blonde-haired girl, now at the end of her explanation after a good twenty minutes of 'background history', as she called it, squealed. I would give you her explanation, but it's far too long and utterly pointless- save to say all you really need to know is that she came out of a mirror, and she is now stuck in Hobbiton, which she's devastated about. Not.
"Uh... Okay," Frodo Baggins smiled warily, "But why are you here at Bag End? And most importantly, when do you propose to go home?"
Frodo Baggins' IQ, as you can probably tell, has inexplicably risen by a few hundred points in the last paragraph or so, but since it was in the minus numbers before, no one really bothered about it that much.
"Never!" The blonde-haired girl grinned, "Because I am going to help you with your Quest! I'm better than all those other stupid walkers put together! Plus I speak nearly fluent Japanese, because I can say Chibi- Chan! And I have the ability to overuse exclamation marks and stupid figures of speech in an annoying manner consistently throughout my monologues! And I'm really, really good at going off the point. And I'm beautiful. And I can say 'And' a lot. And I can write in really short sentences much better than you can. And-"
"Shut up!" Frodo cried, traumatised, "Can you just tell me your name? Then I'll introduce you to Bilbo."
"Oh my GOD! Bilbo! He's freaky, right? He is in the movie!" The girl squealed.
"Uh... yeah," Frodo grimaced. He needed to get away from this girl as fast as possible.
"My name's Ella Moonflower,"The girl smiled. Frodo started to relax- at least he could pronounce her name, "But that's only for short," She continued. Frodo groaned.
"I'll stick with the short version," Frodo winced, "Look! It's Pippin!" He ran away faster than he'd ever run before. This was about equivalent to the speed of a slow-moving slug, but it was fast enough to get away from the maniac trying to 'seduce' him.
"Where's the cute Scottish guy?" Ella Moonflower pouted, "I wanna see... Aaaaahhhh!" She screamed as she vanished into a gaping plothole already clogged up with other random chunks of this story. Thank Eru she didn't have time to tell us about her eyes- they changed colour, and we would have been here all day. Well, I would. You can choose if you read this or not.
"'Ello, Mister Frodo," Samwise Gamgee exclaimed cheerfully in his strange accent which originates either from Yorkshire or some distant corner of Scotland. Or perhaps the Shetland Isles.
"Hello Sam," Frodo said, obviously thrilled by this exciting conversation.
"Do you want to go on a Quest?" Same asked, getting to the point.
"No," Frodo frowned, "We have to wait for Gandalf to tell us before we go on a quest. Do you remember the last one, when we discovered fanfic? I'm not going through that again. Remember the one about us in High School? Whatever High School is..."
"Yes!" Sam was angered at the memory, "Of course I do! We were comic relief whilst someone called Legolas-"
"He appears in Chapter Four of this thing," Frodo interrupted, flicking through a sheaf of printed-out pages.
"Well, anyway," Sam continued, "He courted an angst-ridden Goth-Punk-Poser girl with no personality!"
"And that's why we shouldn't go on a quest without Gandalf again," Frodo nodded sagely.
"Yes," Sam said, "Only I read on through this awful excuse for a parody and we get asked on a Quest-"
"With a capital 'Q'?" Frodo asked, stunned.
"With a capital 'Q'," Sam nodded. "Anyway, we get asked on a Quest in a few seco-"Sam was not able to finish his sentence, because at that moment Gandalf the Grey himself emerged from a plothole, flustered and adjusting his all-conquering pointy hat.
"I am Gandalf the Grey, also known as He-Who-Insists-That-Every-Alternate- Word-Must-Be-Capitalised. Do you want to go on a Quest?"
"Why would I want to do that?" Frodo laughed.
"You'll find out in the next chapter of this parody," Gandalf said, trying in vain to perfect his mysterious look. He needed to please his female fans, after all. A cynical part of Sam wondered, 'What female fans?', but he told himself he was just jealous of Gandalf's ability to 'perfect' many different facial expressions.
You will indeed find out the purpose of the Quest next chapter. Although if you've either read the books or seen the movies you'll no what it is anyway, and if you haven't I'd have a tendency to wonder why you're reading 'Lord of the Rings' fanfiction. The clue is in the title, anyway.