Twenty one chapters and the poor boy still isn't in therapy (Sorry,
Walter.). He's on his way though. (Fictional, dammit, fictional!). I
still don't own anything. All the legal stuff has been addressed in
previous chapters and they still apply.
Chapter Twenty One.
Monday, January 19
For the first time ever, Ryan Atwood was nervous about going to school. Even his first morning at Harbour didn't worry him. It was just a school wrapped up in a pretty package...a very expensive package.
He sat at the kitchen island, staring into the half filled coffee mug Kirsten allowed him to have. She was determined that if there was any room in his stomach at all, then it would be filled with something relatively healthy. He refused to drink the liquid meal replacement that had played a large part of his diet during his recovery anymore. His gag reflex would activate even at the suggestion of the stuff which of course amused Seth to no end. His clothes still hung loosely from his body. He looked pale and tired. There was still evidence of bruising on his face and torso, and the sandy blonde stubble merely provided a back drop for the vicious scars on his head.
Kirsten hovered over Ryan, her maternal instincts in overdrive. She placed Ryan's antibiotic and multi vitamin down in front of him beside the glass of soy milk she poured for him. That stuff tasted almost as bad as the meal replacement did, but he knew it would be a losing battle if he fought Kirsten on this. He swallowed the pills and chased them back with a swallow of chocolate flavoured soy milk. He closed his eyes, not daring to breathe until he was sure it would all stay down. A generous sip of coffee helped get the taste out of his mouth. Kirsten watched him, a smirk lining her face.
Seth entered the kitchen, book bag and jacket in his hand. He looked at Ryan.
"What did mom make you eat this time..?"
Ryan held up his partially filled glass of soy milk.
Seth shook his head.
"That's harsh dude...."
A wet dish cloth caught Seth in the side of the face.
"Mom.....My hair was working for me.....Now you've...you've..."
Sandy joined them in the kitchen, briefcase in one hand and trying to adjust his tie with the other. Kirsten moved towards her husband and helped him with his tie. After she finished, Kirsten kissed Sandy. Seth rolled his eyes.
"Will you guys knock it off....That's so not the visual image I want to carry around with me today.....You're going to scar me for life with all of this....this....."
Kirsten and Sandy ignored Seth. He sighed and turned to Ryan.
"You ready to go dude....?"
Ryan nodded.
"Yeah....I j-just need my....my knapsack"
He reached for his cane and went upstairs to his bedroom. He was getting used to the room, but he was worried when his recurring nightmares would wake everyone. It had happened three times since he came home from the hospital. Each time he woke up screaming from his terrors, Kirsten and Sandy would be on either side of the bed, gently reassuring him he was safe. Seth would always be in the doorway, worried. The other nights, when the screams occurred only in his dreams, Ryan would crawl out of bed and huddle in the corner, retreating into the dark recesses of his mind, where his nightmares couldn't find him. The dreams came every night now. No matter how much he re-enforced his mental vault, the smeared images always managed to escape.... invading his sleep..... holding him down...... groping hands painfully caressing him......whispering to him.....owning him.
Ryan didn't know why the dreams were attacking him. He hadn't had them very often in Chino, in his previous life. They occurred more when he arrived in Newport, but the walls of the pool house would muffle his terror. Since the accident, his nightmares became routine. They didn't give him a reprieve. The missing pieces of his nightmares were always just out of reach. What he did know was there was no way in hell he was going to talk to Dr. Rodriguez about them. He would bury these dreams so deep that they wouldn't surface again. All he needed to do was concentrate. He could do this......
"Ryan.....bud......You ready to go?"
Seth gently touched Ryan's elbow. He opened his eyes and looked at Seth, puzzled.
"Y-yeah...l-let's do this...."
* * * *
Sandy dropped Seth off in the quad and then made his way to Dr. Kim's office with Ryan. Ryan insisted on carrying his knapsack. He was getting quite adept at using his cane, even venturing to take a few steps without it. He was far from being able to ditch it though. He still held the rails of the treadmill in a death grip as he used it everyday, dizziness engulfing him if he tried to go faster than 5km per hour.
His nervousness at being back in school had almost developed into full blown panic by the time they made it to the dean's office. The stares and whispers had started. Again, Ryan's eyes betrayed nothing. Sandy only knew how his son was feeling by the change in his breathing patterns. Sandy squeezed Ryan's shoulder in an effort to calm him down. He gave Sandy a shaky smile as they entered Dr. Kim's office. She was waiting for them.
"Mr. Cohen....Ryan.....Good morning. It's so nice to have you back at school. You're absence was felt by all the faculty and students....."
Ryan's face remained impassive and Sandy fought the urge to laugh.
"That's very kind of you Dr. Kim.....I trust everything is in order for Ryan to receive his class work form his afternoon teachers before he leaves?
"Yes.."
Before Dr. Kim could continue, Sandy cut her off.
Good.....Either Mrs. Cohen or I will pick Ryan up at 12:30 everyday this week.
Dr. Kim nodded and offered Sandy a stilted smile. She picked up something from her desk and turned to Ryan. She had a 'Pirates' hat in her hands and held it out to him.
"You might feel a little more comfortable wearing this....."
Ryan looked at the dean. Comfortable for whom, he thought?
"N-no thank.....you...I d-d-don't wear h-hats.
Dr. Kim was about to speak again when Sandy interrupted.
"I'm surprised Dr. Kim..." Sandy's voice was dripping with sarcasm.
"Even Ryan, who received the first two years of his high school education at a public school in Chino that was certainly not up to the 'standards' of Harbour was taught not to wear a hat indoors....It's just not done in polite society, and we both know that there are no manners or civility in Chino....."
Sandy stole a glance at Ryan who was doing his best not to snicker. Dean Kim was speechless. Sandy continued, the sarcasm waning.
"Thank-you Dr. Kim for making Ryan feel so welcome. You have my phone numbers and Kirsten's cell phone and office numbers....." He nodded to Ryan. "We don't want Ryan to be late for class his first day back....."
"We will take good care of him, Mr. Cohen....." Dr. Kim finally found her voice.
Sandy waved at her and walked Ryan to his class.
"I'll be here at 12:30......Call me if it gets too much for you...."
"I'll be o-okay.....S-s-seth's got m-my back..."
The words were meant to reassure Sandy, but they didn't help much. He felt like he was throwing Ryan to the lions, at the very least, he was throwing him to the 'preppy little savages'. He knew Ryan heard the whispers and saw the finger pointing. Sandy looked at his watch. It was going to be a long morning and he had little patience on the best of days for dealing with overgrown hedges, bad manicures and what ever petty differences the royalty of Orange County couldn't work out for themselves. This morning would be a true test for him.
* * * *
Ryan tentatively walked to his seat, ignoring the stares. A few of his classmates smiled at him, but the bulk of his world lit class was made up of friends of Brad and Merlin. Merlin was in this class as well. As Ryan sat down, he could feel Merlin staring at him. He leaned his cane against the large desk and took out his books. His report on "What's Bred in the Bone" was printed off and in a folder, waiting to be handed in. As the class started, Ryan was grateful that the teacher had only acknowledged him with a "Welcome back, Mr. Atwood....." and went on with the lesson.
It was a relatively easy class that morning. The teacher had collected the essays and assigned the next report. Ryan opened the Robertson Davies novel. He still felt Merlin's eyes on him. This time, instead of looking back down, Ryan met the other boy's stare and held it. This time, Merlin looked away.
By the time Ryan's calc class ended, he was exhausted physically and mentally. He still needed to prepare for his session with Dr. Rodriguez. He sat outside for lunch, finding an empty table that faced the back wall. It was as private as he was going to get. He let his brain shut out everything around him.
Ryan followed the well worn path to his mental vault. He inspected it closely. The voices were silent except for one. The low guttural voice that proclaimed ownership of him. He could barely hear it, but it was there. He searched for the voice, hoping to silence it, trying to ignore the cold, rough fingers that now danced over his shoulders, back and....He started to run, falling and twisting to escape the icy hands that threatened him. He was unable to catch his breath...What the fuck was happening?............He was in control here in this place of his own design.....He was supposed to have command over what went on. Why was he unable to contain his fears when he needed to the most? He couldn't afford to give in to them now, not when he had so much to lose.....Why was it falling apart now?................Suck it up Atwood.......Pull it together.....Pull yourself together.......You can't lose it now.....you don't have that luxury...."
"Ryan......?"
It was spoken softly, but it still had the strength to penetrate his frantic thoughts.
"Ryan......It's okay.....C'mon back...."
Ryan blinked. Seth was sitting across from him, trying to remain nonchalant at witnessing another one of Ryan's 'exit from reality'.
"Dude, you are seriously freaking me out....." Seth's attempt at nonchalance went out the proverbial window as Ryan refocused on the world around him.
"Are you okay now...?"
Ryan looked down at his lunch tray.
"Yeah.....j-just trying....trying to d-d-deal...."
Seth studied Ryan for a second and decided to let the matter drop for now.
"Mom is so gonna kick your ass if you don't eat your lunch. Even worse, she's still got a couple cans of that......."
Seth stopped and watched Ryan's face turn a pasty white as he struggled not to gag. Ryan closed his eyes and waited for the feeling to pass. He opened his eyes and glared at Seth.
"N-not funny..."
Seth leaned closer to Ryan.
"Neither was that little 'zone out' I witnessed..."
Ryan picked up his sandwich. He had no appetite, but he knew he needed to eat something, Seth's threats aside.
By the time he finished his lunch, he had 5 minutes to get to the main entrance to meet Sandy. Seth walked with him, carrying Ryan's knapsack. He had tried to take it from Seth, but Seth just slung it over his back.
"Dude, if you want it, you're going to have to take it from me and I can confidently say that my ass is not going to get kicked by you today, or even the next few days unless of course you decide to fall over on me, which of course does not play into my fantasies at all because if someone is going to land on me 'she's' going to have long, dark brown hair and a nice set of...."
"Shut up Seth....."
Ryan tried to glare at Seth, but his eyes were laughing.
Seth grinned.
"Shutting up now......Let's go 'tripod'...." He said, gesturing to Ryan's cane. "Dad's probably waiting now...."
Sandy watched as Seth and Ryan walked towards him. Seth was waving his hands animatedly, talking a mile a minute. Sandy couldn't hear what his dark haired son was saying. He studied Ryan's face for a moment. He seemed composed and sure of himself. It always amazed Sandy to see his two sons together, how close they were. Seeing the two of them would always re- enforce that he'd done the right thing in bringing Ryan home with him that summer evening. There were times when he struggled if he really had done the right thing. He knew Ryan couldn't stay with his drunk, drug-addled mother and her parade of boyfriends, but he hadn't appreciated the difficulty Ryan had adjusting to a totally different lifestyle. A lifestyle where he wasn't expected to remain invisible, where dinner was a nightly event and not just something saved from the free lunch program at school and where hands would only be used to hug and reassure, not to inflict pain. It was a lifestyle that Sandy sometimes took for granted, despite his own troubling history.
He had no time to finish those thoughts. Seth opened the car door for Ryan and tossed the knapsack in the back seat. Ryan slid in the front. Seth looked at his dad.
"Take care of the 'boy wonder' here....He's not as indestructible as he thinks he is..."
Sandy looked at Ryan, who merely rolled his eyes and shook his head.....He looked back at Seth.
"You keep teasing him like this and your mother and I are not going to protect you once he's feeling better...."
"Dad...I've got weeks before 'little brother' here is in any condition to rip my head off.....besides.....I'm sure I'll do something nice for him before then and all will be forgiven.....If not, Summer will protect me...."
Ryan looked at Seth.
"I'm s-sitting right here and I'm h-h-holding a....a weapon......" he said, holding up his cane.
"Yeah, well, you're gonna need it for your 'song and dance' routine with Dr. Rodriguez..."
"Seth!.........." Sandy said sharply. He then looked over at Ryan.
Ryan looked amused.
"P-puttin' on the r-ritz...."
Sandy remembered the movie 'Young Frankenstein" they all watched last night and how the boys giggled at Peter Boyle's rendition of the musical number. He relaxed and looked at Seth.
"We'll see you at home....Have a good afternoon..."
"You too..." Seth responded, knocking on the roof of the black BMW as it was leaving the parking lot.
Sandy glanced over at Ryan again.
"You okay with this.....? Seeing Dr. Rodriguez....?''
Ryan shrugged.
"I d-don't really have a ch-choice d-do I....?"
Sandy was about to tell Ryan he did have a choice, but...."
"No.....not this time....."
Ryan turned and looked out the passenger side window.
"Then we....we b-better not b-be late..... 'cause th-that's just not d-done in polite society......."
Chapter Twenty One.
Monday, January 19
For the first time ever, Ryan Atwood was nervous about going to school. Even his first morning at Harbour didn't worry him. It was just a school wrapped up in a pretty package...a very expensive package.
He sat at the kitchen island, staring into the half filled coffee mug Kirsten allowed him to have. She was determined that if there was any room in his stomach at all, then it would be filled with something relatively healthy. He refused to drink the liquid meal replacement that had played a large part of his diet during his recovery anymore. His gag reflex would activate even at the suggestion of the stuff which of course amused Seth to no end. His clothes still hung loosely from his body. He looked pale and tired. There was still evidence of bruising on his face and torso, and the sandy blonde stubble merely provided a back drop for the vicious scars on his head.
Kirsten hovered over Ryan, her maternal instincts in overdrive. She placed Ryan's antibiotic and multi vitamin down in front of him beside the glass of soy milk she poured for him. That stuff tasted almost as bad as the meal replacement did, but he knew it would be a losing battle if he fought Kirsten on this. He swallowed the pills and chased them back with a swallow of chocolate flavoured soy milk. He closed his eyes, not daring to breathe until he was sure it would all stay down. A generous sip of coffee helped get the taste out of his mouth. Kirsten watched him, a smirk lining her face.
Seth entered the kitchen, book bag and jacket in his hand. He looked at Ryan.
"What did mom make you eat this time..?"
Ryan held up his partially filled glass of soy milk.
Seth shook his head.
"That's harsh dude...."
A wet dish cloth caught Seth in the side of the face.
"Mom.....My hair was working for me.....Now you've...you've..."
Sandy joined them in the kitchen, briefcase in one hand and trying to adjust his tie with the other. Kirsten moved towards her husband and helped him with his tie. After she finished, Kirsten kissed Sandy. Seth rolled his eyes.
"Will you guys knock it off....That's so not the visual image I want to carry around with me today.....You're going to scar me for life with all of this....this....."
Kirsten and Sandy ignored Seth. He sighed and turned to Ryan.
"You ready to go dude....?"
Ryan nodded.
"Yeah....I j-just need my....my knapsack"
He reached for his cane and went upstairs to his bedroom. He was getting used to the room, but he was worried when his recurring nightmares would wake everyone. It had happened three times since he came home from the hospital. Each time he woke up screaming from his terrors, Kirsten and Sandy would be on either side of the bed, gently reassuring him he was safe. Seth would always be in the doorway, worried. The other nights, when the screams occurred only in his dreams, Ryan would crawl out of bed and huddle in the corner, retreating into the dark recesses of his mind, where his nightmares couldn't find him. The dreams came every night now. No matter how much he re-enforced his mental vault, the smeared images always managed to escape.... invading his sleep..... holding him down...... groping hands painfully caressing him......whispering to him.....owning him.
Ryan didn't know why the dreams were attacking him. He hadn't had them very often in Chino, in his previous life. They occurred more when he arrived in Newport, but the walls of the pool house would muffle his terror. Since the accident, his nightmares became routine. They didn't give him a reprieve. The missing pieces of his nightmares were always just out of reach. What he did know was there was no way in hell he was going to talk to Dr. Rodriguez about them. He would bury these dreams so deep that they wouldn't surface again. All he needed to do was concentrate. He could do this......
"Ryan.....bud......You ready to go?"
Seth gently touched Ryan's elbow. He opened his eyes and looked at Seth, puzzled.
"Y-yeah...l-let's do this...."
* * * *
Sandy dropped Seth off in the quad and then made his way to Dr. Kim's office with Ryan. Ryan insisted on carrying his knapsack. He was getting quite adept at using his cane, even venturing to take a few steps without it. He was far from being able to ditch it though. He still held the rails of the treadmill in a death grip as he used it everyday, dizziness engulfing him if he tried to go faster than 5km per hour.
His nervousness at being back in school had almost developed into full blown panic by the time they made it to the dean's office. The stares and whispers had started. Again, Ryan's eyes betrayed nothing. Sandy only knew how his son was feeling by the change in his breathing patterns. Sandy squeezed Ryan's shoulder in an effort to calm him down. He gave Sandy a shaky smile as they entered Dr. Kim's office. She was waiting for them.
"Mr. Cohen....Ryan.....Good morning. It's so nice to have you back at school. You're absence was felt by all the faculty and students....."
Ryan's face remained impassive and Sandy fought the urge to laugh.
"That's very kind of you Dr. Kim.....I trust everything is in order for Ryan to receive his class work form his afternoon teachers before he leaves?
"Yes.."
Before Dr. Kim could continue, Sandy cut her off.
Good.....Either Mrs. Cohen or I will pick Ryan up at 12:30 everyday this week.
Dr. Kim nodded and offered Sandy a stilted smile. She picked up something from her desk and turned to Ryan. She had a 'Pirates' hat in her hands and held it out to him.
"You might feel a little more comfortable wearing this....."
Ryan looked at the dean. Comfortable for whom, he thought?
"N-no thank.....you...I d-d-don't wear h-hats.
Dr. Kim was about to speak again when Sandy interrupted.
"I'm surprised Dr. Kim..." Sandy's voice was dripping with sarcasm.
"Even Ryan, who received the first two years of his high school education at a public school in Chino that was certainly not up to the 'standards' of Harbour was taught not to wear a hat indoors....It's just not done in polite society, and we both know that there are no manners or civility in Chino....."
Sandy stole a glance at Ryan who was doing his best not to snicker. Dean Kim was speechless. Sandy continued, the sarcasm waning.
"Thank-you Dr. Kim for making Ryan feel so welcome. You have my phone numbers and Kirsten's cell phone and office numbers....." He nodded to Ryan. "We don't want Ryan to be late for class his first day back....."
"We will take good care of him, Mr. Cohen....." Dr. Kim finally found her voice.
Sandy waved at her and walked Ryan to his class.
"I'll be here at 12:30......Call me if it gets too much for you...."
"I'll be o-okay.....S-s-seth's got m-my back..."
The words were meant to reassure Sandy, but they didn't help much. He felt like he was throwing Ryan to the lions, at the very least, he was throwing him to the 'preppy little savages'. He knew Ryan heard the whispers and saw the finger pointing. Sandy looked at his watch. It was going to be a long morning and he had little patience on the best of days for dealing with overgrown hedges, bad manicures and what ever petty differences the royalty of Orange County couldn't work out for themselves. This morning would be a true test for him.
* * * *
Ryan tentatively walked to his seat, ignoring the stares. A few of his classmates smiled at him, but the bulk of his world lit class was made up of friends of Brad and Merlin. Merlin was in this class as well. As Ryan sat down, he could feel Merlin staring at him. He leaned his cane against the large desk and took out his books. His report on "What's Bred in the Bone" was printed off and in a folder, waiting to be handed in. As the class started, Ryan was grateful that the teacher had only acknowledged him with a "Welcome back, Mr. Atwood....." and went on with the lesson.
It was a relatively easy class that morning. The teacher had collected the essays and assigned the next report. Ryan opened the Robertson Davies novel. He still felt Merlin's eyes on him. This time, instead of looking back down, Ryan met the other boy's stare and held it. This time, Merlin looked away.
By the time Ryan's calc class ended, he was exhausted physically and mentally. He still needed to prepare for his session with Dr. Rodriguez. He sat outside for lunch, finding an empty table that faced the back wall. It was as private as he was going to get. He let his brain shut out everything around him.
Ryan followed the well worn path to his mental vault. He inspected it closely. The voices were silent except for one. The low guttural voice that proclaimed ownership of him. He could barely hear it, but it was there. He searched for the voice, hoping to silence it, trying to ignore the cold, rough fingers that now danced over his shoulders, back and....He started to run, falling and twisting to escape the icy hands that threatened him. He was unable to catch his breath...What the fuck was happening?............He was in control here in this place of his own design.....He was supposed to have command over what went on. Why was he unable to contain his fears when he needed to the most? He couldn't afford to give in to them now, not when he had so much to lose.....Why was it falling apart now?................Suck it up Atwood.......Pull it together.....Pull yourself together.......You can't lose it now.....you don't have that luxury...."
"Ryan......?"
It was spoken softly, but it still had the strength to penetrate his frantic thoughts.
"Ryan......It's okay.....C'mon back...."
Ryan blinked. Seth was sitting across from him, trying to remain nonchalant at witnessing another one of Ryan's 'exit from reality'.
"Dude, you are seriously freaking me out....." Seth's attempt at nonchalance went out the proverbial window as Ryan refocused on the world around him.
"Are you okay now...?"
Ryan looked down at his lunch tray.
"Yeah.....j-just trying....trying to d-d-deal...."
Seth studied Ryan for a second and decided to let the matter drop for now.
"Mom is so gonna kick your ass if you don't eat your lunch. Even worse, she's still got a couple cans of that......."
Seth stopped and watched Ryan's face turn a pasty white as he struggled not to gag. Ryan closed his eyes and waited for the feeling to pass. He opened his eyes and glared at Seth.
"N-not funny..."
Seth leaned closer to Ryan.
"Neither was that little 'zone out' I witnessed..."
Ryan picked up his sandwich. He had no appetite, but he knew he needed to eat something, Seth's threats aside.
By the time he finished his lunch, he had 5 minutes to get to the main entrance to meet Sandy. Seth walked with him, carrying Ryan's knapsack. He had tried to take it from Seth, but Seth just slung it over his back.
"Dude, if you want it, you're going to have to take it from me and I can confidently say that my ass is not going to get kicked by you today, or even the next few days unless of course you decide to fall over on me, which of course does not play into my fantasies at all because if someone is going to land on me 'she's' going to have long, dark brown hair and a nice set of...."
"Shut up Seth....."
Ryan tried to glare at Seth, but his eyes were laughing.
Seth grinned.
"Shutting up now......Let's go 'tripod'...." He said, gesturing to Ryan's cane. "Dad's probably waiting now...."
Sandy watched as Seth and Ryan walked towards him. Seth was waving his hands animatedly, talking a mile a minute. Sandy couldn't hear what his dark haired son was saying. He studied Ryan's face for a moment. He seemed composed and sure of himself. It always amazed Sandy to see his two sons together, how close they were. Seeing the two of them would always re- enforce that he'd done the right thing in bringing Ryan home with him that summer evening. There were times when he struggled if he really had done the right thing. He knew Ryan couldn't stay with his drunk, drug-addled mother and her parade of boyfriends, but he hadn't appreciated the difficulty Ryan had adjusting to a totally different lifestyle. A lifestyle where he wasn't expected to remain invisible, where dinner was a nightly event and not just something saved from the free lunch program at school and where hands would only be used to hug and reassure, not to inflict pain. It was a lifestyle that Sandy sometimes took for granted, despite his own troubling history.
He had no time to finish those thoughts. Seth opened the car door for Ryan and tossed the knapsack in the back seat. Ryan slid in the front. Seth looked at his dad.
"Take care of the 'boy wonder' here....He's not as indestructible as he thinks he is..."
Sandy looked at Ryan, who merely rolled his eyes and shook his head.....He looked back at Seth.
"You keep teasing him like this and your mother and I are not going to protect you once he's feeling better...."
"Dad...I've got weeks before 'little brother' here is in any condition to rip my head off.....besides.....I'm sure I'll do something nice for him before then and all will be forgiven.....If not, Summer will protect me...."
Ryan looked at Seth.
"I'm s-sitting right here and I'm h-h-holding a....a weapon......" he said, holding up his cane.
"Yeah, well, you're gonna need it for your 'song and dance' routine with Dr. Rodriguez..."
"Seth!.........." Sandy said sharply. He then looked over at Ryan.
Ryan looked amused.
"P-puttin' on the r-ritz...."
Sandy remembered the movie 'Young Frankenstein" they all watched last night and how the boys giggled at Peter Boyle's rendition of the musical number. He relaxed and looked at Seth.
"We'll see you at home....Have a good afternoon..."
"You too..." Seth responded, knocking on the roof of the black BMW as it was leaving the parking lot.
Sandy glanced over at Ryan again.
"You okay with this.....? Seeing Dr. Rodriguez....?''
Ryan shrugged.
"I d-don't really have a ch-choice d-do I....?"
Sandy was about to tell Ryan he did have a choice, but...."
"No.....not this time....."
Ryan turned and looked out the passenger side window.
"Then we....we b-better not b-be late..... 'cause th-that's just not d-done in polite society......."