"This is a Dark Ride..."
Say it with me. "I don't own squat!"
Chapter Twenty-three.
Seth didn't take the news very well. Not that Sandy expected him too. Hell, he could barely deal with it. Now he stood in the family room, watching Seth sit on the edge of the pool, staring into the water. Seth asked to be left alone and as much as Sandy wanted to comfort his son, he respected his wishes.
Sandy felt a pair of arms around his waist. He smelled the perfume he had given Kirsten for Chrismukkah. The smell always reminded him of when life was uncomplicated. "April Fields". It was a cheap cologne available at discount stores. He had given it to Kirsten when they were dating and she'd worn it everyday since.
"Is Seth okay...?"
Sandy shook his head, not taking his eyes off Seth.
"I don't know... He won't talk about it. I think he's beating himself up for not realizing how bad off Ryan is."
Kirsten wrapped her arms tighter.
"You are too..."
"Kirsten... I should have seen it coming." Sandy said, his voice catching. "I have his file... I should have realized..."
Kirsten let go of Sandy and stepped in front of her husband, facing him.
"Sandy... I will not let you go there... You told me his file wasn't complete. You've never told me all of what's in there and as his mother, I'm going to have to read it. I should have read it before, but I wanted to get to know Ryan, our son, not Ryan, the file."
"Kirsten... we might lose him... He may never trust us again..."
She held Sandy's face in her hands.
"I can accept him hating us for a while, but I can't accept him hurting. I can't accept him being terrified by his past or scared stiff that we're going to find out about it. He needs to deal with it and we need to deal with it..."
They both stood there silently, watching Seth as he absently kicked his feet in the water. Kirsten kissed Sandy.
"I'm going to check on Ryan and then go out and talk to Seth... Are you going to be okay...?"
Sandy shook his head. He felt so tired.
"No..."
Kirsten wasn't sure what to say. Sandy continued.
"I should go and finish up the paperwork for Ryan's... for..." He couldn't finish the sentence. "I don't want to lose him, Kirsten..."
"Sandy... Stop..." Kirsten took his face again in her hands. "Listen to me... We are not going to lose him... We will work through this as a family and we will be stronger for it..."
Sandy held on to Kirsten tightly.
"Have I told you how much I love you?"
Kirsten offered up a small smile, looking into her husband's blue eyes.
"Not for about 18 hours, so I think you're due..."
* *
Kirsten wanted nothing more than to pick Ryan up and hold him close to her as she watched him sleep. She sent up a quiet prayer of thanks as she watched his peaceful slumber. She also asked for strength and wisdom for the days to come. She wondered if Dawn ever held Ryan and comforted him when he was small, when he was hurt or scared. She prayed that they could help make up for the previous 16 plus years of his life. When Ryan was around them, it was so hard to believe that he was only almost 17. He acted so much older, yet when he was asleep like this, he looked so much younger...
* *
Seth aimlessly kicked his feet around in the pool, watching the water ripple on the surface. He stared at his reflection, distorted by the water's movement. He saw his mother's refection in the water.
"Can I sit down?" She asked softly.
Seth just shrugged. Kirsten pulled off her shoes and sat beside Seth, lowering her feet in the warm water.
"Everything's going to be alright you know..."
Seth looked at his mother. She could see his eyes were red and swollen.
"How can you say that?" Seth struggled not to scream. "You and Dad are sending Ryan away... You're dumping him and I'm supposed to be alright with that?"
"Seth...! Stop it...! That's enough...!"
Seth was ready to get up and take off, but Kirsten held on to his arm.
"I want you to listen to me. We are not 'dumping' Ryan. His issues are more than your dad and I can safely handle. He wouldn't be safe here. Ryan needs help, sweetie, and we can't do it alone... We're not leaving him... We want him to get well so our family will be whole again...You, your dad, Ryan and me... But he needs to go to the clinic to get better..."
"He's gonna think we're abandoning him too... Like his dad... his m-m... Dawn..."
Kirsten released Seth's arm and put her arm around his shoulder.
"I know he's going to think that, but we'll just have to show him it's not true... We'll be staying in San Diego at your Grandfather's beach house while Ryan is in the clinic there. I called Dr. Kim while I was at the office and made arrangements for your school work."
"Did you tell her about Ryan...?"
Kirsten shook her head.
"No... All she knows is we're taking a family vacation to help Ryan's physical recovery."
"So we'll get to see him at this clinic?" Seth sounded hopeful.
"Sweetie, part of Ryan's therapy is going to include all of us. There's going to be things in his past that will come out and they'll be awful to hear..."
"I know that someone his mom knew would mess around with him..." Seth said quietly.
Kirsten held her son tighter.
"There's more to it than that." Kirsten said softly. "There's going to be some horrible things Ryan's going to have to deal with and I need to know if you think you can handle it."
I'm going to handle it... I have to..." Seth's voice was barely a whisper now.
Kirsten drew her son closer to her.
"Seth, your dad and I want nothing more than to protect you from stuff like this, but we can't. Instead, we have to treat you as an adult in this situation..."
"C'mon Mom.... I'm so close to 17, I can taste it..."
"Not for another two weeks you're not... You're still my baby..." Kirsten smiled.
Seth offered up a small smile of his own.
"Ryan's is 12 days after mine..."
"I know... He's our Valentines baby..."
"Mom... No more 'baby' talk, okay?"
Kirsten leaned over and kissed Seth on his forehead.
"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be..." crooned Kirsten, reciting a line from one of Seth's favourite childhood books.
"Robert Munsch, Mom? That's not playing fair..."
Seth and Kirsten sat by the pool in silence, each wrapped up in their own thoughts. Seth was the first one to speak again.
"When are you and Dad going to tell Ryan?"
Kirsten thought for a moment.
"We'll talk to him tonight, after dinner. Your dad is filling out the paperwork now. It's tearing him up inside... He's having a really hard time dealing with this... We all are..."
More silence.
"I should get dinner started..."
Seth looked dubiously at his mother. Kirsten silenced him with a look.
"The meatballs are from Costco. The sauce is from a jar. The salad is out of a bag. I think I can handle boiling the pasta..."
"Well, at least the sauce should be edible..."
Seth wasn't expecting his mom to shove him into the pool.
* *
Ryan entered the kitchen as Seth was setting the table. Kirsten looked up and smiled at him. He looked so sweet, his hair tousled, his eyes heavy with sleep. His balance was compromised as he started leaning to one side. Seth dropped the cutlery on the table as he rushed over to straighten his brother up.
"Th-thanks..." Ryan mumbled as Seth led him to a kitchen chair. "Still k- kind of sleepy..."
Seth finished placing the knives and forks.
"That's okay dude... Mom's cooking'll keep you awake tonight..."
"Seth...!" Kirsten warned.
Seth ignored his mom.
"Most of this stuff is store bought, so the meatballs might really be meat..."
"They m-might b-be cake...." Ryan deadpanned.
"They might be 'meat-cake'..." they said in unison.
"Hey... Have you two been watching my George Carlin videos again?" Sandy snarked as he walked into the kitchen. This was another image he wanted imprinted on his brain.
Kirsten glanced at her husband. He looked tired and drawn. She knew he was putting on a brave front... They all were...
* *
Conversation was stilted during dinner. For the first time, Sandy found himself wishing Seth would start his inane chatter. Kirsten, Sandy and Seth kept stealing glances at Ryan, who was just rolling pasta around his fork. He hadn't eaten anything.
"Ryan... Is your dinner okay?" Kirsten asked.
"Y-yeah.... It's... it's f-fine..."
Kirsten started talking about the housing development that was nearing completion. Ryan tuned out the conversation, staring at his plate. His mom used to make spaghetti. She'd made it a lot, especially after Gavin moved in.
The voice proclaiming ownership over him started. The nausea was building. He always felt sick the day after his mom would make it... spaghetti... He hated it, but he didn't know why. He could feel the cold fingers running up his spine.
("I own you... I've bought and paid for you... You belong to me...")
Ryan struggled to drown out that voice. He tried to focus on the conversation the Cohen's were having.
"Haddassah Bazaar...? C'mon Dad... Do we have to go? Help me out Ryan..."
Ryan looked at Seth. He had no clue what they were talking about.
"No way..." Said Sandy, reaching for Ryan's shoulder, pretending not to notice when he moved away from his touch.
"Ryan, you haven't lived until you've had a real blueberry blintz..."
("I OWN YOU..." the voice screamed in his head. "I'VE BOUGHT AND PAID
FOR YOU... YOU BELONG TO ME!")
"Okay Dad, I admit the food's good, but there's not a whole lot else to do... They don't sell video games or graphic novels. They..."
The voice was so close now. Ryan fought to keep his composure.
It's not real... it's not real... it's not real. He closed his eyes.
"Laugh if you want." Sandy said to Seth. "But it's where your mom and I got you... I own you.... I bought and paid for you... You belong to me..."
Ryan's head snapped up. The voice was real. It was here. He sent his plate flying as he bolted from the table. Kirsten was instantly on her feet.
"Ryan!"
"NO!!" He screamed as he tried to get away. "I WON'T LET YOU! GET YOUR MONEY BACK!"
Ryan only managed a few steps before he fell. He twisted out of Sandy's grasp and crawled away. He had to get away from the hands that only wanted to hurt him...to cause him pain. He tried to stand again, but fell hard on the ceramic tile floor. Sandy tried to hold on to Ryan. The boy's hysteria was mounting. Ryan's foot shot out, catching Sandy in the stomach. As Sandy doubled over, Ryan scrambled to his feet. This time Seth stood in front of him.
"Ryan... It's okay...No one's going to hurt you..."
Ryan propelled himself into Seth, knocking them both to the ground. He pushed himself off Seth. He saw his escape. He managed to crawl to the front door.
Kirsten ran to get to the door before Ryan. She stood in front of it. Ryan looked at her from the floor. He sat up.
"WHY D-D-DID YOU D-D-DO TH-THIS TO M-M-ME?" He screamed.
"Ryan... It's me... Kirsten... I won't hurt you... I won't let anyone hurt you...It's alright now..."
She crouched down to his eye level. Sandy and Seth ran to the front hall and skidded to a stop. Kirsten reached out to touch Ryan's face. His eyes were blank. He started rocking back and forth, staring at nothing.
* *
Ryan finally crawled to the darkest corner he could find. He had never gone this far down the path before. It was so quiet. There were no harsh voices. No brutal hands grabbing him. No pain to be felt. There was a peace he never had before. He let the dark envelop him. He felt safe. Nothing could hurt him in here. No one would ever find him. The light was gone. Now he could sleep.
Chapter Twenty-three.
Seth didn't take the news very well. Not that Sandy expected him too. Hell, he could barely deal with it. Now he stood in the family room, watching Seth sit on the edge of the pool, staring into the water. Seth asked to be left alone and as much as Sandy wanted to comfort his son, he respected his wishes.
Sandy felt a pair of arms around his waist. He smelled the perfume he had given Kirsten for Chrismukkah. The smell always reminded him of when life was uncomplicated. "April Fields". It was a cheap cologne available at discount stores. He had given it to Kirsten when they were dating and she'd worn it everyday since.
"Is Seth okay...?"
Sandy shook his head, not taking his eyes off Seth.
"I don't know... He won't talk about it. I think he's beating himself up for not realizing how bad off Ryan is."
Kirsten wrapped her arms tighter.
"You are too..."
"Kirsten... I should have seen it coming." Sandy said, his voice catching. "I have his file... I should have realized..."
Kirsten let go of Sandy and stepped in front of her husband, facing him.
"Sandy... I will not let you go there... You told me his file wasn't complete. You've never told me all of what's in there and as his mother, I'm going to have to read it. I should have read it before, but I wanted to get to know Ryan, our son, not Ryan, the file."
"Kirsten... we might lose him... He may never trust us again..."
She held Sandy's face in her hands.
"I can accept him hating us for a while, but I can't accept him hurting. I can't accept him being terrified by his past or scared stiff that we're going to find out about it. He needs to deal with it and we need to deal with it..."
They both stood there silently, watching Seth as he absently kicked his feet in the water. Kirsten kissed Sandy.
"I'm going to check on Ryan and then go out and talk to Seth... Are you going to be okay...?"
Sandy shook his head. He felt so tired.
"No..."
Kirsten wasn't sure what to say. Sandy continued.
"I should go and finish up the paperwork for Ryan's... for..." He couldn't finish the sentence. "I don't want to lose him, Kirsten..."
"Sandy... Stop..." Kirsten took his face again in her hands. "Listen to me... We are not going to lose him... We will work through this as a family and we will be stronger for it..."
Sandy held on to Kirsten tightly.
"Have I told you how much I love you?"
Kirsten offered up a small smile, looking into her husband's blue eyes.
"Not for about 18 hours, so I think you're due..."
* *
Kirsten wanted nothing more than to pick Ryan up and hold him close to her as she watched him sleep. She sent up a quiet prayer of thanks as she watched his peaceful slumber. She also asked for strength and wisdom for the days to come. She wondered if Dawn ever held Ryan and comforted him when he was small, when he was hurt or scared. She prayed that they could help make up for the previous 16 plus years of his life. When Ryan was around them, it was so hard to believe that he was only almost 17. He acted so much older, yet when he was asleep like this, he looked so much younger...
* *
Seth aimlessly kicked his feet around in the pool, watching the water ripple on the surface. He stared at his reflection, distorted by the water's movement. He saw his mother's refection in the water.
"Can I sit down?" She asked softly.
Seth just shrugged. Kirsten pulled off her shoes and sat beside Seth, lowering her feet in the warm water.
"Everything's going to be alright you know..."
Seth looked at his mother. She could see his eyes were red and swollen.
"How can you say that?" Seth struggled not to scream. "You and Dad are sending Ryan away... You're dumping him and I'm supposed to be alright with that?"
"Seth...! Stop it...! That's enough...!"
Seth was ready to get up and take off, but Kirsten held on to his arm.
"I want you to listen to me. We are not 'dumping' Ryan. His issues are more than your dad and I can safely handle. He wouldn't be safe here. Ryan needs help, sweetie, and we can't do it alone... We're not leaving him... We want him to get well so our family will be whole again...You, your dad, Ryan and me... But he needs to go to the clinic to get better..."
"He's gonna think we're abandoning him too... Like his dad... his m-m... Dawn..."
Kirsten released Seth's arm and put her arm around his shoulder.
"I know he's going to think that, but we'll just have to show him it's not true... We'll be staying in San Diego at your Grandfather's beach house while Ryan is in the clinic there. I called Dr. Kim while I was at the office and made arrangements for your school work."
"Did you tell her about Ryan...?"
Kirsten shook her head.
"No... All she knows is we're taking a family vacation to help Ryan's physical recovery."
"So we'll get to see him at this clinic?" Seth sounded hopeful.
"Sweetie, part of Ryan's therapy is going to include all of us. There's going to be things in his past that will come out and they'll be awful to hear..."
"I know that someone his mom knew would mess around with him..." Seth said quietly.
Kirsten held her son tighter.
"There's more to it than that." Kirsten said softly. "There's going to be some horrible things Ryan's going to have to deal with and I need to know if you think you can handle it."
I'm going to handle it... I have to..." Seth's voice was barely a whisper now.
Kirsten drew her son closer to her.
"Seth, your dad and I want nothing more than to protect you from stuff like this, but we can't. Instead, we have to treat you as an adult in this situation..."
"C'mon Mom.... I'm so close to 17, I can taste it..."
"Not for another two weeks you're not... You're still my baby..." Kirsten smiled.
Seth offered up a small smile of his own.
"Ryan's is 12 days after mine..."
"I know... He's our Valentines baby..."
"Mom... No more 'baby' talk, okay?"
Kirsten leaned over and kissed Seth on his forehead.
"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be..." crooned Kirsten, reciting a line from one of Seth's favourite childhood books.
"Robert Munsch, Mom? That's not playing fair..."
Seth and Kirsten sat by the pool in silence, each wrapped up in their own thoughts. Seth was the first one to speak again.
"When are you and Dad going to tell Ryan?"
Kirsten thought for a moment.
"We'll talk to him tonight, after dinner. Your dad is filling out the paperwork now. It's tearing him up inside... He's having a really hard time dealing with this... We all are..."
More silence.
"I should get dinner started..."
Seth looked dubiously at his mother. Kirsten silenced him with a look.
"The meatballs are from Costco. The sauce is from a jar. The salad is out of a bag. I think I can handle boiling the pasta..."
"Well, at least the sauce should be edible..."
Seth wasn't expecting his mom to shove him into the pool.
* *
Ryan entered the kitchen as Seth was setting the table. Kirsten looked up and smiled at him. He looked so sweet, his hair tousled, his eyes heavy with sleep. His balance was compromised as he started leaning to one side. Seth dropped the cutlery on the table as he rushed over to straighten his brother up.
"Th-thanks..." Ryan mumbled as Seth led him to a kitchen chair. "Still k- kind of sleepy..."
Seth finished placing the knives and forks.
"That's okay dude... Mom's cooking'll keep you awake tonight..."
"Seth...!" Kirsten warned.
Seth ignored his mom.
"Most of this stuff is store bought, so the meatballs might really be meat..."
"They m-might b-be cake...." Ryan deadpanned.
"They might be 'meat-cake'..." they said in unison.
"Hey... Have you two been watching my George Carlin videos again?" Sandy snarked as he walked into the kitchen. This was another image he wanted imprinted on his brain.
Kirsten glanced at her husband. He looked tired and drawn. She knew he was putting on a brave front... They all were...
* *
Conversation was stilted during dinner. For the first time, Sandy found himself wishing Seth would start his inane chatter. Kirsten, Sandy and Seth kept stealing glances at Ryan, who was just rolling pasta around his fork. He hadn't eaten anything.
"Ryan... Is your dinner okay?" Kirsten asked.
"Y-yeah.... It's... it's f-fine..."
Kirsten started talking about the housing development that was nearing completion. Ryan tuned out the conversation, staring at his plate. His mom used to make spaghetti. She'd made it a lot, especially after Gavin moved in.
The voice proclaiming ownership over him started. The nausea was building. He always felt sick the day after his mom would make it... spaghetti... He hated it, but he didn't know why. He could feel the cold fingers running up his spine.
("I own you... I've bought and paid for you... You belong to me...")
Ryan struggled to drown out that voice. He tried to focus on the conversation the Cohen's were having.
"Haddassah Bazaar...? C'mon Dad... Do we have to go? Help me out Ryan..."
Ryan looked at Seth. He had no clue what they were talking about.
"No way..." Said Sandy, reaching for Ryan's shoulder, pretending not to notice when he moved away from his touch.
"Ryan, you haven't lived until you've had a real blueberry blintz..."
("I OWN YOU..." the voice screamed in his head. "I'VE BOUGHT AND PAID
FOR YOU... YOU BELONG TO ME!")
"Okay Dad, I admit the food's good, but there's not a whole lot else to do... They don't sell video games or graphic novels. They..."
The voice was so close now. Ryan fought to keep his composure.
It's not real... it's not real... it's not real. He closed his eyes.
"Laugh if you want." Sandy said to Seth. "But it's where your mom and I got you... I own you.... I bought and paid for you... You belong to me..."
Ryan's head snapped up. The voice was real. It was here. He sent his plate flying as he bolted from the table. Kirsten was instantly on her feet.
"Ryan!"
"NO!!" He screamed as he tried to get away. "I WON'T LET YOU! GET YOUR MONEY BACK!"
Ryan only managed a few steps before he fell. He twisted out of Sandy's grasp and crawled away. He had to get away from the hands that only wanted to hurt him...to cause him pain. He tried to stand again, but fell hard on the ceramic tile floor. Sandy tried to hold on to Ryan. The boy's hysteria was mounting. Ryan's foot shot out, catching Sandy in the stomach. As Sandy doubled over, Ryan scrambled to his feet. This time Seth stood in front of him.
"Ryan... It's okay...No one's going to hurt you..."
Ryan propelled himself into Seth, knocking them both to the ground. He pushed himself off Seth. He saw his escape. He managed to crawl to the front door.
Kirsten ran to get to the door before Ryan. She stood in front of it. Ryan looked at her from the floor. He sat up.
"WHY D-D-DID YOU D-D-DO TH-THIS TO M-M-ME?" He screamed.
"Ryan... It's me... Kirsten... I won't hurt you... I won't let anyone hurt you...It's alright now..."
She crouched down to his eye level. Sandy and Seth ran to the front hall and skidded to a stop. Kirsten reached out to touch Ryan's face. His eyes were blank. He started rocking back and forth, staring at nothing.
* *
Ryan finally crawled to the darkest corner he could find. He had never gone this far down the path before. It was so quiet. There were no harsh voices. No brutal hands grabbing him. No pain to be felt. There was a peace he never had before. He let the dark envelop him. He felt safe. Nothing could hurt him in here. No one would ever find him. The light was gone. Now he could sleep.