My better beta betta is kind of slow. I get absolutely no feed back from
him. In fact, I have to feed him. Good help is so hard to find.
Just taking Josh's creations out for a quick spin around my synaptic
playground. I'll give them back unscathed.
Chapter 26
Sandy remained in the car as it sat in the driveway of Caleb's beach house. He felt guilty over leaving Kirsten and Ryan. He couldn't be there any longer. It felt like the walls were closing in around him.
The Lorazepam didn't seem to be working. They had gambled on the injections and Ryan lost. Sandy fought to ignore the voice in his head that told him everything would be okay. He was tired of that voice. Things weren't okay and Sandy felt that they wouldn't ever be okay again.
Seth's head snapped up from the book he was reading when he heard the front door open. He closed the novel and stood up to meet his dad. Seth could tell by the look on his father's face that there was no change in Ryan's condition. Sandy sank into the couch. Seth sat beside him, resting his head on his dad's shoulder.
"He's just being stubborn, Dad..."
Sandy gave Seth a wry smile and put his arm around his son.
"He picked up that trait from your mother..."
* * *
Kirsten gave up reading. She leaned over and gently ran her fingers down the side of Ryan's cheek. There was no response from the vacant, unblinking eyes. Sandy had left shortly after the last injection. He looked so defeated. Kirsten knew Sandy blamed himself for Ryan's breakdown. He blamed himself for not insisting Ryan move into the main house after they took legal guardianship of him. She knew Sandy felt that if Ryan had been in one of the bedrooms inside they might have found out about the nightmares and night terrors earlier and done something about them. She knew how Sandy felt because those were the same feelings she had. Kirsten knew it wasn't rational and she knew Ryan liked the pool house...his room...his space...
* * *
Ryan wrapped the blanket tighter around his shoulders. Every few minutes there would be a strange feeling on his upper arm... like something was squeezing it. It would get tighter and tighter and then stop. Each time it started, he stopped walking and tried to see what it was, but there was nothing there. He tried to ignore it. What he couldn't ignore was the growing pain in his stomach. It felt like it was burning. He pulled up his shirt to take a look at it. Sure enough, there were red marks across his abdomen. They felt hot to the touch. Pushing aside his discomfort he moved forward. He didn't realize he had run so far down the path. Nothing looked familiar yet, but he followed the light.
The voices stopped a little while ago, but the gold haze he followed seemed to glow a little brighter. He was so tired. He wondered if he could return to his bed and try to find his way home later. It would just be a short nap. Maybe his stomach would feel better. His nose was starting to itch and his throat felt weird, kind of like something was stuck in there. He tried to clear his throat but nothing came out, no sound, nothing. He tried to go back... back to bed, but the path had disappeared behind him. There was nothing... No sense of warmth, no feeling of safety... Just a forlorn emptiness. Everything was gone... He couldn't go back. The light just waited there. It hadn't moved forward.
Ryan leaned against the cool wall and slid down. As soon as he brought his knees up, he started to rock, swaying back and forth. He closed his eyes. It would just be for a few minutes... He just needed to rest.
The light stayed with him, standing guard.
* * *
The nursing staff came to check in on Ryan before shift change. Dr. Rodriguez had already been in and tried to convince Kirsten to go home for the evening.
"I can't... Ryan's going to need someone here when he wakes up... I don't want him to be alone..."
* * *
Ryan had no idea how long he slept. There was no concept of time in the labyrinth of his mind. The pain in his stomach increased, the nausea making its presence known. It churned in his gut, trying to escape. He was frantic now. There was no way back. His safe place was gone and he desperately wanted it back. The hell with the path... He'd find his way without it. He turned and tried to run. He got no further than a couple of steps before he fell. He tried again...He fell again... One more time... Falling...
Ryan curled up into a ball. He was lost. It hurt to go forward and he couldn't go back. All he wanted to do now was sleep. If only he could. He wanted to sleep forever. A dreamless sleep from which he would never wake up. He squeezed his eyes shut. He heard the quiet voice again.
"Ryan's going to need someone here when he wakes up... I don't want him to be
alone..."
He knew that voice. He had heard it before. It was soft and strong. That voice had made him feel safe before. He had to find it. Ryan struggled to his feet. The voice was gone now, but he knew it hadn't left for good. He knew it would come back. It had before. Maybe he could find it first. He ignored the pain that grew with every step. He wrapped his arms around his stomach as he forced himself to move forward. The blanket slid from his shoulders and landed on the ground. Ryan faltered, wanting to stop and retrieve it, but it faded and disappeared as well. He couldn't think about that... He needed to push forward. He was getting closer.
* * *
Another nurse came in to check on Kirsten and Ryan. She placed a blanket over Kirsten's sleeping form. She picked up the chenille throw that had been in Ryan's hands since the day he arrived. It had somehow fallen on the floor. She folded it and placed it over the other chair in the room. Checking the readout from the blood pressure monitor, she made a notation of the slight increase in Ryan's pressure. It was still low, and this was the first time there had been any sort of change. She went into the washroom and came out with a wash cloth she'd rinsed in warm water. She gently wiped down Ryan's face and neck, throwing the cloth into a laundry bin when she was finished.
"There we go..." she whispered. "That has to feel better... It's time to come back now... We're all waiting for you..."
* * *
Ryan stopped and looked at the mountain of rubble that stood before him. All that was left of his cement vault was a twisted steel frame and broken pieces of concrete. He bent down and picked up a jagged piece. As it crumbled further, it ran like sand through his fingers. It was eerily quiet. As he stared at the devastation in front of him, he remembered what he had locked away in there. The images came back. They competed with the pain, the nausea and the dizziness that threatened to overwhelm him. He couldn't rebuild his fortress. The memories were too strong... He couldn't run away from them anymore.
The dust was thick. It had settled into a heavy layer on his face. He tried to brush it off, but only succeeded smearing it. The pounding and spinning in his head made it impossible to see. He lost the light...It left him alone to deal with his demons. They would wake up soon and add voices to the pictures in his brain. He stumbled over a piece of concrete and fell hard.
"HELP ME!" He screamed. "WHERE ARE YOU?"
"Please..." Ryan's voice became very weak. "I need you..."
He felt the warm cloth wipe his cheeks, cleaning the concrete powder from his face and eyes.
"There you go..." a voice whispered. "That has to feel better... It's time to come
back now... We're all waiting for you..."
Ryan looked up and saw the heavy curtain that separated the light from the dark. The light called to him, giving him the momentum to crash through the barrier...
* * *
Ryan blinked several times and looked around. It was dark and the only illumination to be had came from afar. Despite the lack of light, he was able to see Kirsten sleeping in a chair. He wasn't sure where he was, but judging from the raised metal rails on the side of the bed, he was probably in the hospital again. He lowered his legs. The tingling sensation that ran up and down them just added to the pain he was already feeling. He gingerly rolled onto his side. He couldn't fight the exhaustion. He felt his eyes slide shut. Ryan knew Kirsten would still be there when he woke up. She told him so. She said she didn't want him to be alone.
Friday, January 23
Seth woke up feeling somewhat disoriented. He was still on the couch. His dad was crammed into the corner of it, looking like he invented a new yoga move. It was nothing a week or two with the chiropractor wouldn't fix.
Rummaging in the kitchen he found something that might pass for breakfast. He opened the pantry and pulled out a bag of pre-sliced bagels. Well, calling them bagels was being generous. Yes, they were round, yes, they had a hole in the middle, but so did doughnuts. He looked at the bag. These things needed a little work.
The smell of fresh coffee and the sensation of warmth under his nose caused Sandy to open his eyes. He was greeted by the sight of Seth holding a large mug of coffee right in front of his face. He struggled to straighten up. His back protested at the change in position. He couldn't hide his grimace from Seth.
"What do you need Dad? Some Tylenol, muscle relaxants.....smoke some of "the weed" as Grandpa so fondly puts it...?"
"Not funny Seth..." Sandy growled as he accepted the coffee mug from his son by birth.
"I'll grab a couple of Robaxacet in a few minutes. I don't think I can move around just yet..."
"Sorry Dad..." Seth tried to look contrite, but it would have helped if he didn't have to fight so hard to keep from laughing.
"It's not funny Seth..." Sandy snapped.
"You're right Dad... The "Green Acres" marathon you made me watch last night was funny..."
"I didn't see you changing the channel..."
"I would have actually had to get up to do it... You hid the remote..."
"I did not..." Sandy snarked. "You..."
Sandy shifted slightly. As he did, the pain in his hip subsided. He reached down and pulled the tv remote from underneath him, holding it up as they both started to laugh. It felt so good to laugh.
Sandy had managed to get off the couch and grab a couple of muscle relaxants. He swallowed them with his coffee and ate the egg and cheese breakfast sandwich Seth had made.
Sandy looked at his son.
"You want to come with me to see Ryan this morning?"
Seth hesitated for a second. He held his coffee mug tightly.
"Yeah..."
* * *
It was nearly 8am when Sandy and Seth arrived at the clinic. There were no set visiting hours. Family was allowed access 24 hours a day. The clinic was still fairly quiet. The only noise came from support staff setting the table in the dining room and polishing the main entrance with a buffer. They walked down the impeccably clean hallway to Ryan's room. Kirsten was still asleep, bundled into an oversized chair. Sandy kissed his wife on her forehead, smiling as she woke up. He was finally able to bring himself to look at Ryan's bed. Seth was already there, his eyes wide.
Their son and brother by choice was curled on his right side, facing them...his eyes were closed, sleeping peacefully.
Kirsten pushed the blankets off her and scrambled to Ryan's bedside.
"Ryan... Ryan, sweetie... It's time to wake up..."
Ryan slowly opened his eyes and waited for the fuzzy images to come into focus. The Cohens were rewarded with the smallest of smiles and a hoarse voice.
"I....I knew y-you'd be h-h-here..."
Chapter 26
Sandy remained in the car as it sat in the driveway of Caleb's beach house. He felt guilty over leaving Kirsten and Ryan. He couldn't be there any longer. It felt like the walls were closing in around him.
The Lorazepam didn't seem to be working. They had gambled on the injections and Ryan lost. Sandy fought to ignore the voice in his head that told him everything would be okay. He was tired of that voice. Things weren't okay and Sandy felt that they wouldn't ever be okay again.
Seth's head snapped up from the book he was reading when he heard the front door open. He closed the novel and stood up to meet his dad. Seth could tell by the look on his father's face that there was no change in Ryan's condition. Sandy sank into the couch. Seth sat beside him, resting his head on his dad's shoulder.
"He's just being stubborn, Dad..."
Sandy gave Seth a wry smile and put his arm around his son.
"He picked up that trait from your mother..."
* * *
Kirsten gave up reading. She leaned over and gently ran her fingers down the side of Ryan's cheek. There was no response from the vacant, unblinking eyes. Sandy had left shortly after the last injection. He looked so defeated. Kirsten knew Sandy blamed himself for Ryan's breakdown. He blamed himself for not insisting Ryan move into the main house after they took legal guardianship of him. She knew Sandy felt that if Ryan had been in one of the bedrooms inside they might have found out about the nightmares and night terrors earlier and done something about them. She knew how Sandy felt because those were the same feelings she had. Kirsten knew it wasn't rational and she knew Ryan liked the pool house...his room...his space...
* * *
Ryan wrapped the blanket tighter around his shoulders. Every few minutes there would be a strange feeling on his upper arm... like something was squeezing it. It would get tighter and tighter and then stop. Each time it started, he stopped walking and tried to see what it was, but there was nothing there. He tried to ignore it. What he couldn't ignore was the growing pain in his stomach. It felt like it was burning. He pulled up his shirt to take a look at it. Sure enough, there were red marks across his abdomen. They felt hot to the touch. Pushing aside his discomfort he moved forward. He didn't realize he had run so far down the path. Nothing looked familiar yet, but he followed the light.
The voices stopped a little while ago, but the gold haze he followed seemed to glow a little brighter. He was so tired. He wondered if he could return to his bed and try to find his way home later. It would just be a short nap. Maybe his stomach would feel better. His nose was starting to itch and his throat felt weird, kind of like something was stuck in there. He tried to clear his throat but nothing came out, no sound, nothing. He tried to go back... back to bed, but the path had disappeared behind him. There was nothing... No sense of warmth, no feeling of safety... Just a forlorn emptiness. Everything was gone... He couldn't go back. The light just waited there. It hadn't moved forward.
Ryan leaned against the cool wall and slid down. As soon as he brought his knees up, he started to rock, swaying back and forth. He closed his eyes. It would just be for a few minutes... He just needed to rest.
The light stayed with him, standing guard.
* * *
The nursing staff came to check in on Ryan before shift change. Dr. Rodriguez had already been in and tried to convince Kirsten to go home for the evening.
"I can't... Ryan's going to need someone here when he wakes up... I don't want him to be alone..."
* * *
Ryan had no idea how long he slept. There was no concept of time in the labyrinth of his mind. The pain in his stomach increased, the nausea making its presence known. It churned in his gut, trying to escape. He was frantic now. There was no way back. His safe place was gone and he desperately wanted it back. The hell with the path... He'd find his way without it. He turned and tried to run. He got no further than a couple of steps before he fell. He tried again...He fell again... One more time... Falling...
Ryan curled up into a ball. He was lost. It hurt to go forward and he couldn't go back. All he wanted to do now was sleep. If only he could. He wanted to sleep forever. A dreamless sleep from which he would never wake up. He squeezed his eyes shut. He heard the quiet voice again.
"Ryan's going to need someone here when he wakes up... I don't want him to be
alone..."
He knew that voice. He had heard it before. It was soft and strong. That voice had made him feel safe before. He had to find it. Ryan struggled to his feet. The voice was gone now, but he knew it hadn't left for good. He knew it would come back. It had before. Maybe he could find it first. He ignored the pain that grew with every step. He wrapped his arms around his stomach as he forced himself to move forward. The blanket slid from his shoulders and landed on the ground. Ryan faltered, wanting to stop and retrieve it, but it faded and disappeared as well. He couldn't think about that... He needed to push forward. He was getting closer.
* * *
Another nurse came in to check on Kirsten and Ryan. She placed a blanket over Kirsten's sleeping form. She picked up the chenille throw that had been in Ryan's hands since the day he arrived. It had somehow fallen on the floor. She folded it and placed it over the other chair in the room. Checking the readout from the blood pressure monitor, she made a notation of the slight increase in Ryan's pressure. It was still low, and this was the first time there had been any sort of change. She went into the washroom and came out with a wash cloth she'd rinsed in warm water. She gently wiped down Ryan's face and neck, throwing the cloth into a laundry bin when she was finished.
"There we go..." she whispered. "That has to feel better... It's time to come back now... We're all waiting for you..."
* * *
Ryan stopped and looked at the mountain of rubble that stood before him. All that was left of his cement vault was a twisted steel frame and broken pieces of concrete. He bent down and picked up a jagged piece. As it crumbled further, it ran like sand through his fingers. It was eerily quiet. As he stared at the devastation in front of him, he remembered what he had locked away in there. The images came back. They competed with the pain, the nausea and the dizziness that threatened to overwhelm him. He couldn't rebuild his fortress. The memories were too strong... He couldn't run away from them anymore.
The dust was thick. It had settled into a heavy layer on his face. He tried to brush it off, but only succeeded smearing it. The pounding and spinning in his head made it impossible to see. He lost the light...It left him alone to deal with his demons. They would wake up soon and add voices to the pictures in his brain. He stumbled over a piece of concrete and fell hard.
"HELP ME!" He screamed. "WHERE ARE YOU?"
"Please..." Ryan's voice became very weak. "I need you..."
He felt the warm cloth wipe his cheeks, cleaning the concrete powder from his face and eyes.
"There you go..." a voice whispered. "That has to feel better... It's time to come
back now... We're all waiting for you..."
Ryan looked up and saw the heavy curtain that separated the light from the dark. The light called to him, giving him the momentum to crash through the barrier...
* * *
Ryan blinked several times and looked around. It was dark and the only illumination to be had came from afar. Despite the lack of light, he was able to see Kirsten sleeping in a chair. He wasn't sure where he was, but judging from the raised metal rails on the side of the bed, he was probably in the hospital again. He lowered his legs. The tingling sensation that ran up and down them just added to the pain he was already feeling. He gingerly rolled onto his side. He couldn't fight the exhaustion. He felt his eyes slide shut. Ryan knew Kirsten would still be there when he woke up. She told him so. She said she didn't want him to be alone.
Friday, January 23
Seth woke up feeling somewhat disoriented. He was still on the couch. His dad was crammed into the corner of it, looking like he invented a new yoga move. It was nothing a week or two with the chiropractor wouldn't fix.
Rummaging in the kitchen he found something that might pass for breakfast. He opened the pantry and pulled out a bag of pre-sliced bagels. Well, calling them bagels was being generous. Yes, they were round, yes, they had a hole in the middle, but so did doughnuts. He looked at the bag. These things needed a little work.
The smell of fresh coffee and the sensation of warmth under his nose caused Sandy to open his eyes. He was greeted by the sight of Seth holding a large mug of coffee right in front of his face. He struggled to straighten up. His back protested at the change in position. He couldn't hide his grimace from Seth.
"What do you need Dad? Some Tylenol, muscle relaxants.....smoke some of "the weed" as Grandpa so fondly puts it...?"
"Not funny Seth..." Sandy growled as he accepted the coffee mug from his son by birth.
"I'll grab a couple of Robaxacet in a few minutes. I don't think I can move around just yet..."
"Sorry Dad..." Seth tried to look contrite, but it would have helped if he didn't have to fight so hard to keep from laughing.
"It's not funny Seth..." Sandy snapped.
"You're right Dad... The "Green Acres" marathon you made me watch last night was funny..."
"I didn't see you changing the channel..."
"I would have actually had to get up to do it... You hid the remote..."
"I did not..." Sandy snarked. "You..."
Sandy shifted slightly. As he did, the pain in his hip subsided. He reached down and pulled the tv remote from underneath him, holding it up as they both started to laugh. It felt so good to laugh.
Sandy had managed to get off the couch and grab a couple of muscle relaxants. He swallowed them with his coffee and ate the egg and cheese breakfast sandwich Seth had made.
Sandy looked at his son.
"You want to come with me to see Ryan this morning?"
Seth hesitated for a second. He held his coffee mug tightly.
"Yeah..."
* * *
It was nearly 8am when Sandy and Seth arrived at the clinic. There were no set visiting hours. Family was allowed access 24 hours a day. The clinic was still fairly quiet. The only noise came from support staff setting the table in the dining room and polishing the main entrance with a buffer. They walked down the impeccably clean hallway to Ryan's room. Kirsten was still asleep, bundled into an oversized chair. Sandy kissed his wife on her forehead, smiling as she woke up. He was finally able to bring himself to look at Ryan's bed. Seth was already there, his eyes wide.
Their son and brother by choice was curled on his right side, facing them...his eyes were closed, sleeping peacefully.
Kirsten pushed the blankets off her and scrambled to Ryan's bedside.
"Ryan... Ryan, sweetie... It's time to wake up..."
Ryan slowly opened his eyes and waited for the fuzzy images to come into focus. The Cohens were rewarded with the smallest of smiles and a hoarse voice.
"I....I knew y-you'd be h-h-here..."