Still chugging Buckley's. I swear I've burned off all my tastebuds. The
only good thing about that is I can no longer taste the stuff.
Again, I will direct all legalities to Ghoti. He's a damn good betta beta.
Chapter Twenty-nine
17 hours, 14 minutes, 9 seconds.
Sandy dumped his briefcase and keys on the kitchen counter. He opened the fridge and reached for a bottle of Grolsch. He hesitated. It felt too much like a need. He moved his hand and pulled out a bottle of Fiji water instead. He looked at the square bottle. Why the fuck were they buying "artisan" water anyway? He put the bottle back in the fridge, retrieved a glass from the cupboard and turned on the tap, waiting for the water to cool. He took a large drink and then swallowed, refilling the glass. Sandy wandered through the house they had lived in for the past 10 years. Rosa had been there. The house was immaculate and without Kirsten and the boys, the house seemed as hollow and empty as one of Caleb's show homes. He kicked off his shoes and settled into the couch in the family room, the tv remote strangled in his hand.
Kirsten had checked in with Seth. She sat with him for a few minutes as he worked really hard to hide the "leave me the fuck alone" vibe he was sending out. She kissed the top of his head and reminded him to let her know if he needed anything. Seth surprised her when he stood up and gave her a hug before she left the room. No additional words were spoken, but the embrace conveyed his feelings perfectly. She visited "Brunhilde" and poured herself a large mug of the swiss water processed decaf she had secretly substituted for the high octane brew they usually drank. Mug in hand, she went back to the office, prepared to win the next round of "minesweeper".
Seth had visualized Dawn Atwood's face on the last 197 troll kills. It stopped being fun about 160 times previous. Now it was just therapeutic. He tossed the controller onto a pile of pillows and stretched his legs. He made his way to the kitchen and looked for something to eat that didn't consist of kudos, goldfish or mountain dew. He pulled out a package of baby carrots and returned to the living room. He turned on the tv, finally settling on the game show channel. Stupid people, stupid prizes, stupid "Z" list celebrities. Might be good for a laugh...
* * * * *
"A wall of denial, is falling down.
It's fallin' so hard, down to the ground.
Never knew something so strong,
Could be washed away by tears
But this wall of denial, was just built on fear.
Ryan swallowed hard when Dr. Rodriguez asked her question. He closed his eyes and tried to find a place in his mind he could hide. All the pathways were blocked by huge barriers. The surfaces too slick to climb over, too deeply set in to dig under, a never ending expanse of polished granite. Bright lights shone on the rubble of his concrete vault, its ugliness exposed.
"Ryan?"
He finally looked at her. Dr. Rodriguez met his eyes. His were frightened, hers were safe.
"H-h-his name was Tim. He seemed o-okay... He had a job. M-mom was working. I just t-tried to stay out of the way..."
Ryan was looking at the belt from his robe, untying the knots again.
"How long did he live with you and your Mom?"
Ryan shrugged.
"I don't know... s-s-six months maybe...H-h-he was al-always staring at me. He'd c-c-come into m-my room at night..."
Ryan twisted the belt around his fingers. He glanced back at the doctor.
"He didn't d-do anything... All he did was watch m-me when he thought I was asleep. Mm-m-mom caught him coming out of my room and th-threw him out."
He smiled wryly.
"Then she b-beat the crap out of m-me... said it was my f-fault... I always screwed things up for her..."
Dr. Rodriguez watched as Ryan reached for the glass of ginger-ale in front of him. He took a few small sips and put the glass back.
The switch had been turned on. The wall was coming down.
"Mom wasn't home m-much after that. Tr-trey was gone most of the time. I'd wait up f-f-for her. Sometimes she'd bring a guy home... Other t-times she wouldn't come home. I th-thought if I did everything right, she'd stay home... If I-I- I took care of her, she'd w-w-want to stay home with me..."
He quickly wiped at the tears that were starting to form.
"The next guy she brought home was B-b-bill... He made life inter- interesting. I fell down the stairs a lot when he lived with us..."
The knots were pulled at violently.
"We... we didn't have any stairs..."
Dr. Rodriguez shifted slightly, waiting for Ryan to continue.
"Mom didn't c-care he was kicking m-my ass... 'cause if he was k-kicking mine, he wasn't kicking hers. He liked... liked to use my arms to put out his smokes... She started sm-smoking crack when he c-came to live with us... She was wasted m-most of the time... Once... she twisted m-m-my arm... she broke it..."
Ryan was now picking at a loose thread on the belt from the housecoat.
"T-told the doctor at the free clinic I f-fell off the bunk bed... We d-d- didn't have one of those either..."
"Trey would try to g-g-get me out of the house some nights. A couple of his fr-friends were okay. Arturo... Eddie... Th-they looked out f-for me. Arturo's mom... she was always trying t-t-to feed me... If they weren't around, Tr-trey would tell me to g-go home or stay in the p-park... Cops brought me home a couple of times for sleeping there... B-bill didn't like cops at the house and he m-made sure I remembered that... He g-g-got b-b-busted trying to sell coke to an undercover cop... That was my fault too. D-dawn t-told me if I hadn't pissed him off, he wouldn't have g-gone out... I ended up p-paying for that as well..."
The switch from 'mom' to 'Dawn' was not unnoticed by Dr. Rodriguez. Ryan took a shaky breath and exhaled. Dr. Rodriguez looked at the clock. It was after 6.
"Do you want to take a break?"
"Yeah... but if I-I-I stop now... I don't know if I c-can start again..." His voice was barely a whisper.
Ryan was now shredding the end of the belt, pulling threads, leaving a deep fringe. Blue lint decorated the couch. He cleared his throat and started speaking again.
"Dawn seemed t-to pull herself together after B-bill was arrested. She started working again, she g-got clean. It was g-good for a while... She said things would be different... They'd be b-better. She told me I was a good kid..."
Ryan closed his eyes again. He brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them.
"We've all had our demons, from the garden of white lies
Dressed them, amused them, pullin' wool over our eyes.
Go so far as to love them, to keep from letting them go.
All the while they were killing us, but we couldn't let it show."
When he opened his eyes, Dr. Rodriguez saw there was no emotion in them. They were cold and lifeless. This time, instead of looking away from her, Ryan stared at the doctor and continued speaking, not taking his eyes off hers.
"That fairy t-tale ended when she hooked up with Gavin... It t-t-took about two weeks before she qu-quit her job and started using again. I was in my f-first year of high school. Trey had already fl-flunked out a couple years b-b-back... I l-liked school. I was on the soc-soccer team...staying out of trouble... One d-day, I came home af-after soccer practice... Dawn was making supper...She hadn't made it f-for a long time... Even when she was clean...she-she was usually working. I-I-I had to look after myself... Gavin t-told me it was his idea... We were going t-to start acting like a 'family' and that m-m-meant eating dinner together..."
"I started feeling sick after we ate...Gavin laughed and s-s-said it was Dawn's cooking and I'd g-g-get used to it... The next thing I know, I wake up in m-my b-bed... My head was k-k-killing me... everything hurt. I got 'sick' a lot that year... M-m-missed a lot of school, so I got sus-suspended for it... I started having nightmares... being held d-down... I kept dreaming someone was m-messing with me....They seemed s-s-so real..."
Ryan faltered. It took a moment before he could go on. His eyes never left the doctor's.
"I t-told Dawn about the dreams... She just...she just laughed and said it w- was wishful thinking on m-m-my part..."
"I started g-getting into fights at school... Got suspended for that too..."
Ryan hugged his knees tighter, almost like he was trying to make himself smaller. Pain clouded his eyes, but he still refused to look away from Dr. Rodriguez.
"I w-woke up in the middle of a nightmare... It wasn't a d-dream... It was real...This guy was on t-top of me... I tried to-to fight... He wouldn't stop... said he p-p-paid Dawn... She let him d-d-do it to me... He'd been doing it for months..."
Tears were now streaming down Ryan's face. He made no effort to brush them away.
"I b-b-begged him to st-stop... He told me to relax and en-en-enjoy it... I c-c- couldn't push him off m-me... I tried... I wanted him to stop... I c-could hear Dawn and Gavin laughing... I...I wanted her t-to help me... She j-just kept laughing... Trey br-broke the door in and pulled the guy off me... I-I-I don't re-remember anything else... I pr-pretended it never happened... I j-just remember that Gavin was g-gone and Dawn said it-it was my fault... Again..."
Ryan started to rock back and forth, the tears were gone.
"She m-met up with AJ... I'm n-not sure when, exactly... I w-wanted to leave so many t-times... She'd g-get drunk, tell me she loved me... Sh-she'd get drunk again, t-tell me I ruined her life... She'd g-get sober, t-t-tell me she was sorry and ask for another chance... I j-just wanted her to love me..."
Ryan's voice became hard.
"AJ was just like all the other p-p-parasites she brought home, only he al- already had a wife and k-k-kid somewhere... He th-thought he owned the place. He'd b-b-beat on Dawn... I'd try to stop him... He'd beat on me and Dawn would leave the room..."
Ryan let go of his knees.
"You wanna know why I-I-I- didn't leave? I wanted t-t-to finish school... I t-took my SAT 1's and I did pretty good. I figured I could d-do better the next time around... Try for a scholarship. I couldn't d-do that if I left home..."
"No matter what the trouble we carry 'round inside.
We're never safe from the truth, but in the truth we can survive.
When this wall of denial comes tumblin' down, down to the ground"**
Ryan leaned back and let out a long breath. He smiled weakly. He was done talking.
"There you have it... I-I-I think I'd l-like to take a break now..."
Dr. Rodriguez looked at the clock. It was nearly 7:30. She was exhausted. Ryan was drained, emotionally and physically.
"Let's get something to eat..."
Ryan shook his head and reached for his walker.
"I'm not hungry..."
Dr. Rodriguez watched as Ryan pulled himself up from the couch.
"You're mistaken if you think you have a choice in the matter..."
She led Ryan into the dining room and disappeared into the kitchen, returning with two bowls of soup. After a few minutes of watching Ryan play with it, she gave up and brought him back to his room. She waited for him to come out of the washroom. Once he was in bed, Dr. Rodriguez handed him a small paper cup containing his pill. She smiled at him.
"Same deal as lunch time... Under your tongue for 2 minutes."
Ryan was too tired to do anything but comply. When he was finally allowed to swallow, he leaned back and closed his eyes. Dr. Rodriguez watched as Ryan's breathing deepened and evened out. She arranged to have a nurse sit with him all night. After she picked up the tape recorder from the lounge, she went outside and pulled a pack of Du Maurier lights from her pocket. She watched the sun cast dying shadows on the water. She lit a cigarette, inhaling deeply. Her mind flashed to an image of a cigarette being put out on a boy's arm. She stepped on the cigarette and crumpled the pack. Tomorrow she'd start putting Ryan back together again.
12 hours, 31 minutes, 8 seconds.
*~*~*~*~
**Lyrics to "Wall of Denial" written by Stevie Ray Vaughan. No infringement intended.
Chapter Twenty-nine
17 hours, 14 minutes, 9 seconds.
Sandy dumped his briefcase and keys on the kitchen counter. He opened the fridge and reached for a bottle of Grolsch. He hesitated. It felt too much like a need. He moved his hand and pulled out a bottle of Fiji water instead. He looked at the square bottle. Why the fuck were they buying "artisan" water anyway? He put the bottle back in the fridge, retrieved a glass from the cupboard and turned on the tap, waiting for the water to cool. He took a large drink and then swallowed, refilling the glass. Sandy wandered through the house they had lived in for the past 10 years. Rosa had been there. The house was immaculate and without Kirsten and the boys, the house seemed as hollow and empty as one of Caleb's show homes. He kicked off his shoes and settled into the couch in the family room, the tv remote strangled in his hand.
Kirsten had checked in with Seth. She sat with him for a few minutes as he worked really hard to hide the "leave me the fuck alone" vibe he was sending out. She kissed the top of his head and reminded him to let her know if he needed anything. Seth surprised her when he stood up and gave her a hug before she left the room. No additional words were spoken, but the embrace conveyed his feelings perfectly. She visited "Brunhilde" and poured herself a large mug of the swiss water processed decaf she had secretly substituted for the high octane brew they usually drank. Mug in hand, she went back to the office, prepared to win the next round of "minesweeper".
Seth had visualized Dawn Atwood's face on the last 197 troll kills. It stopped being fun about 160 times previous. Now it was just therapeutic. He tossed the controller onto a pile of pillows and stretched his legs. He made his way to the kitchen and looked for something to eat that didn't consist of kudos, goldfish or mountain dew. He pulled out a package of baby carrots and returned to the living room. He turned on the tv, finally settling on the game show channel. Stupid people, stupid prizes, stupid "Z" list celebrities. Might be good for a laugh...
* * * * *
"A wall of denial, is falling down.
It's fallin' so hard, down to the ground.
Never knew something so strong,
Could be washed away by tears
But this wall of denial, was just built on fear.
Ryan swallowed hard when Dr. Rodriguez asked her question. He closed his eyes and tried to find a place in his mind he could hide. All the pathways were blocked by huge barriers. The surfaces too slick to climb over, too deeply set in to dig under, a never ending expanse of polished granite. Bright lights shone on the rubble of his concrete vault, its ugliness exposed.
"Ryan?"
He finally looked at her. Dr. Rodriguez met his eyes. His were frightened, hers were safe.
"H-h-his name was Tim. He seemed o-okay... He had a job. M-mom was working. I just t-tried to stay out of the way..."
Ryan was looking at the belt from his robe, untying the knots again.
"How long did he live with you and your Mom?"
Ryan shrugged.
"I don't know... s-s-six months maybe...H-h-he was al-always staring at me. He'd c-c-come into m-my room at night..."
Ryan twisted the belt around his fingers. He glanced back at the doctor.
"He didn't d-do anything... All he did was watch m-me when he thought I was asleep. Mm-m-mom caught him coming out of my room and th-threw him out."
He smiled wryly.
"Then she b-beat the crap out of m-me... said it was my f-fault... I always screwed things up for her..."
Dr. Rodriguez watched as Ryan reached for the glass of ginger-ale in front of him. He took a few small sips and put the glass back.
The switch had been turned on. The wall was coming down.
"Mom wasn't home m-much after that. Tr-trey was gone most of the time. I'd wait up f-f-for her. Sometimes she'd bring a guy home... Other t-times she wouldn't come home. I th-thought if I did everything right, she'd stay home... If I-I- I took care of her, she'd w-w-want to stay home with me..."
He quickly wiped at the tears that were starting to form.
"The next guy she brought home was B-b-bill... He made life inter- interesting. I fell down the stairs a lot when he lived with us..."
The knots were pulled at violently.
"We... we didn't have any stairs..."
Dr. Rodriguez shifted slightly, waiting for Ryan to continue.
"Mom didn't c-care he was kicking m-my ass... 'cause if he was k-kicking mine, he wasn't kicking hers. He liked... liked to use my arms to put out his smokes... She started sm-smoking crack when he c-came to live with us... She was wasted m-most of the time... Once... she twisted m-m-my arm... she broke it..."
Ryan was now picking at a loose thread on the belt from the housecoat.
"T-told the doctor at the free clinic I f-fell off the bunk bed... We d-d- didn't have one of those either..."
"Trey would try to g-g-get me out of the house some nights. A couple of his fr-friends were okay. Arturo... Eddie... Th-they looked out f-for me. Arturo's mom... she was always trying t-t-to feed me... If they weren't around, Tr-trey would tell me to g-go home or stay in the p-park... Cops brought me home a couple of times for sleeping there... B-bill didn't like cops at the house and he m-made sure I remembered that... He g-g-got b-b-busted trying to sell coke to an undercover cop... That was my fault too. D-dawn t-told me if I hadn't pissed him off, he wouldn't have g-gone out... I ended up p-paying for that as well..."
The switch from 'mom' to 'Dawn' was not unnoticed by Dr. Rodriguez. Ryan took a shaky breath and exhaled. Dr. Rodriguez looked at the clock. It was after 6.
"Do you want to take a break?"
"Yeah... but if I-I-I stop now... I don't know if I c-can start again..." His voice was barely a whisper.
Ryan was now shredding the end of the belt, pulling threads, leaving a deep fringe. Blue lint decorated the couch. He cleared his throat and started speaking again.
"Dawn seemed t-to pull herself together after B-bill was arrested. She started working again, she g-got clean. It was g-good for a while... She said things would be different... They'd be b-better. She told me I was a good kid..."
Ryan closed his eyes again. He brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them.
"We've all had our demons, from the garden of white lies
Dressed them, amused them, pullin' wool over our eyes.
Go so far as to love them, to keep from letting them go.
All the while they were killing us, but we couldn't let it show."
When he opened his eyes, Dr. Rodriguez saw there was no emotion in them. They were cold and lifeless. This time, instead of looking away from her, Ryan stared at the doctor and continued speaking, not taking his eyes off hers.
"That fairy t-tale ended when she hooked up with Gavin... It t-t-took about two weeks before she qu-quit her job and started using again. I was in my f-first year of high school. Trey had already fl-flunked out a couple years b-b-back... I l-liked school. I was on the soc-soccer team...staying out of trouble... One d-day, I came home af-after soccer practice... Dawn was making supper...She hadn't made it f-for a long time... Even when she was clean...she-she was usually working. I-I-I had to look after myself... Gavin t-told me it was his idea... We were going t-to start acting like a 'family' and that m-m-meant eating dinner together..."
"I started feeling sick after we ate...Gavin laughed and s-s-said it was Dawn's cooking and I'd g-g-get used to it... The next thing I know, I wake up in m-my b-bed... My head was k-k-killing me... everything hurt. I got 'sick' a lot that year... M-m-missed a lot of school, so I got sus-suspended for it... I started having nightmares... being held d-down... I kept dreaming someone was m-messing with me....They seemed s-s-so real..."
Ryan faltered. It took a moment before he could go on. His eyes never left the doctor's.
"I t-told Dawn about the dreams... She just...she just laughed and said it w- was wishful thinking on m-m-my part..."
"I started g-getting into fights at school... Got suspended for that too..."
Ryan hugged his knees tighter, almost like he was trying to make himself smaller. Pain clouded his eyes, but he still refused to look away from Dr. Rodriguez.
"I w-woke up in the middle of a nightmare... It wasn't a d-dream... It was real...This guy was on t-top of me... I tried to-to fight... He wouldn't stop... said he p-p-paid Dawn... She let him d-d-do it to me... He'd been doing it for months..."
Tears were now streaming down Ryan's face. He made no effort to brush them away.
"I b-b-begged him to st-stop... He told me to relax and en-en-enjoy it... I c-c- couldn't push him off m-me... I tried... I wanted him to stop... I c-could hear Dawn and Gavin laughing... I...I wanted her t-to help me... She j-just kept laughing... Trey br-broke the door in and pulled the guy off me... I-I-I don't re-remember anything else... I pr-pretended it never happened... I j-just remember that Gavin was g-gone and Dawn said it-it was my fault... Again..."
Ryan started to rock back and forth, the tears were gone.
"She m-met up with AJ... I'm n-not sure when, exactly... I w-wanted to leave so many t-times... She'd g-get drunk, tell me she loved me... Sh-she'd get drunk again, t-tell me I ruined her life... She'd g-get sober, t-t-tell me she was sorry and ask for another chance... I j-just wanted her to love me..."
Ryan's voice became hard.
"AJ was just like all the other p-p-parasites she brought home, only he al- already had a wife and k-k-kid somewhere... He th-thought he owned the place. He'd b-b-beat on Dawn... I'd try to stop him... He'd beat on me and Dawn would leave the room..."
Ryan let go of his knees.
"You wanna know why I-I-I- didn't leave? I wanted t-t-to finish school... I t-took my SAT 1's and I did pretty good. I figured I could d-do better the next time around... Try for a scholarship. I couldn't d-do that if I left home..."
"No matter what the trouble we carry 'round inside.
We're never safe from the truth, but in the truth we can survive.
When this wall of denial comes tumblin' down, down to the ground"**
Ryan leaned back and let out a long breath. He smiled weakly. He was done talking.
"There you have it... I-I-I think I'd l-like to take a break now..."
Dr. Rodriguez looked at the clock. It was nearly 7:30. She was exhausted. Ryan was drained, emotionally and physically.
"Let's get something to eat..."
Ryan shook his head and reached for his walker.
"I'm not hungry..."
Dr. Rodriguez watched as Ryan pulled himself up from the couch.
"You're mistaken if you think you have a choice in the matter..."
She led Ryan into the dining room and disappeared into the kitchen, returning with two bowls of soup. After a few minutes of watching Ryan play with it, she gave up and brought him back to his room. She waited for him to come out of the washroom. Once he was in bed, Dr. Rodriguez handed him a small paper cup containing his pill. She smiled at him.
"Same deal as lunch time... Under your tongue for 2 minutes."
Ryan was too tired to do anything but comply. When he was finally allowed to swallow, he leaned back and closed his eyes. Dr. Rodriguez watched as Ryan's breathing deepened and evened out. She arranged to have a nurse sit with him all night. After she picked up the tape recorder from the lounge, she went outside and pulled a pack of Du Maurier lights from her pocket. She watched the sun cast dying shadows on the water. She lit a cigarette, inhaling deeply. Her mind flashed to an image of a cigarette being put out on a boy's arm. She stepped on the cigarette and crumpled the pack. Tomorrow she'd start putting Ryan back together again.
12 hours, 31 minutes, 8 seconds.
*~*~*~*~
**Lyrics to "Wall of Denial" written by Stevie Ray Vaughan. No infringement intended.