Dealing
He has passed the graveyard hundreds of times since the day. Circling it, but never actually driving inside. Passing every day after work even though it is not on the route home, it is like the light in the bug zapper, it pulls him in and at the last moment he is able to disregard it and continue on his journey home. It calls to him at night in his sleep. He wakes with cold sweat and when Kate was around she would ask what he was dreaming about he lied about the dream making it to something else. He swore he would never go back there, never. But it continually calls to him. Like the killer who has to revisit the spot he killed his last victim. It is his reminder of what he has done.
Jacks hands started to shake as he drove towards the grave. It has been years since he has been here. This place to him is like the monster in the closet to the child. Jack was a man who has seen death, and will not visit it. He promised he would visit for Kim's sake. She was getting tired of his moping so he would do it. He was Jack Bauer he could stop terrorist, but he couldn't visit his wife's grave. It is funny how the small things in life can scare you the most. The grave held all of the memories he did not want to remember. It held the one person who made the world a better place for him, and now it was a prison for his guilt. As long as it existed and the person he loved lived within it he would have the guilt of causing it.
He turned into the grave yard. His mind else where hoping the car would break down or something would stop him before he reached the grave. He drove on though. He had to he did not fear anything in life, but this, and he would not let it run his life. He stopped the car. His body began to shake in fear of getting out of the car. The child in his mind screamed, "Drive away now. Drive." He got out of the car. His legs not wanting to work. He walked up the little hill and looked around. It was a beautiful graveyard, yet all grave yards were. It was depressing to think of this place of death it as being beautiful. Her death was not beautiful, and this place seemed beautiful at first glance, but for him it was not.
He walked to the grave. His body trying to fight it the entire way. He had to though. It was time he tried to deal with the pain and guilt. As much as he didn't want to he had deal for Kim's sake. She was tried of him waking up screaming in the night, she was tired fearing going home thinking she might find him dead, finally going into that black night. She was tired of looking in his eyes and seeing the pain. He did not understand how his pain could hurt her.
He looked at her headstone. He wasn't sure what her sister had picked out. It was a headstone with two hands in prayer. On it said something about being a good friend, and had Kim's, Teri's sister, and his name on it. He noticed the tears running down his cheeks. He has not cried in public since the night he found Teri. He looked at the grave, and his body became very heavy so he sat down by it. He felt like he had to say something, as stupid as it was. He began to apologize.
"Teri I'm so sorry. It is all my fault. I should be there not you. Please forgive me. I'm so sorry honey. I would trade you in a heart beat." His tears were coming down his cheeks quicker.
"Sometimes I wish I were with you. I'm so sorry. I have failed you again. I'm so sorry." His body was shaking as he cried. He kept saying "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry"
He felt someone put their hand on his shoulder. Through his teared eyes he looked up and saw Kim behind him. She had tears in her eyes.
He looked at her, and his heart hurt. He failed them both. "I'm so sorry Kim."
"Why dad? What are you sorry about?" Kim asked through her tears.
"I'm sorry I let you and your mom down. Everything that happen was because of me. I was selfish, with the life I have lived I do not deserve you guys and that is what they were trying to tell me. If I had never of done the things I had done your mom would still be here and we would be happy."
"Dad it was not your fault. You were protecting the country. It is your job to do it. That is what you are good at. You tried hard and did a great job getting us free. It wasn't your fault no one could have known. Mom understands that. She does and she understands you wanting to be with Kate." Kim said tears running down her face.
"How do you know?" Jack asked trying not to sound angry.
"What did she use to say when you would ask you what would you do if she died? She would want you to find someone new. You had a big heart she said, and you had a duty to share it. She understood. She understands. Kate is a lovely person dad and so are you. You deserve her. You have not done anything wrong."
They sat in silence. Crying together Kim holding her father and trying to comfort him. Inside she felt sadness and joy at the same time; sadness for her mother being dead and the present state of her father, and joy for her father finally facing the past. She held him and rocked. "Everything is fine. Take your time." She encouraged him. She wanted so much to make his pain go away.
After awhile he stopped and looked at Kim. He had a half smile on his face, "Don't tell anyone or I'll have to tell Chase about the fish from your childhood."
"You wouldn't dare." She said smiling. "Don't want anyone to know that the big mean brave Jack Bauer has a soft side to him. That's to late dad they all already know. Let's go."
He has passed the graveyard hundreds of times since the day. Circling it, but never actually driving inside. Passing every day after work even though it is not on the route home, it is like the light in the bug zapper, it pulls him in and at the last moment he is able to disregard it and continue on his journey home. It calls to him at night in his sleep. He wakes with cold sweat and when Kate was around she would ask what he was dreaming about he lied about the dream making it to something else. He swore he would never go back there, never. But it continually calls to him. Like the killer who has to revisit the spot he killed his last victim. It is his reminder of what he has done.
Jacks hands started to shake as he drove towards the grave. It has been years since he has been here. This place to him is like the monster in the closet to the child. Jack was a man who has seen death, and will not visit it. He promised he would visit for Kim's sake. She was getting tired of his moping so he would do it. He was Jack Bauer he could stop terrorist, but he couldn't visit his wife's grave. It is funny how the small things in life can scare you the most. The grave held all of the memories he did not want to remember. It held the one person who made the world a better place for him, and now it was a prison for his guilt. As long as it existed and the person he loved lived within it he would have the guilt of causing it.
He turned into the grave yard. His mind else where hoping the car would break down or something would stop him before he reached the grave. He drove on though. He had to he did not fear anything in life, but this, and he would not let it run his life. He stopped the car. His body began to shake in fear of getting out of the car. The child in his mind screamed, "Drive away now. Drive." He got out of the car. His legs not wanting to work. He walked up the little hill and looked around. It was a beautiful graveyard, yet all grave yards were. It was depressing to think of this place of death it as being beautiful. Her death was not beautiful, and this place seemed beautiful at first glance, but for him it was not.
He walked to the grave. His body trying to fight it the entire way. He had to though. It was time he tried to deal with the pain and guilt. As much as he didn't want to he had deal for Kim's sake. She was tried of him waking up screaming in the night, she was tired fearing going home thinking she might find him dead, finally going into that black night. She was tired of looking in his eyes and seeing the pain. He did not understand how his pain could hurt her.
He looked at her headstone. He wasn't sure what her sister had picked out. It was a headstone with two hands in prayer. On it said something about being a good friend, and had Kim's, Teri's sister, and his name on it. He noticed the tears running down his cheeks. He has not cried in public since the night he found Teri. He looked at the grave, and his body became very heavy so he sat down by it. He felt like he had to say something, as stupid as it was. He began to apologize.
"Teri I'm so sorry. It is all my fault. I should be there not you. Please forgive me. I'm so sorry honey. I would trade you in a heart beat." His tears were coming down his cheeks quicker.
"Sometimes I wish I were with you. I'm so sorry. I have failed you again. I'm so sorry." His body was shaking as he cried. He kept saying "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry"
He felt someone put their hand on his shoulder. Through his teared eyes he looked up and saw Kim behind him. She had tears in her eyes.
He looked at her, and his heart hurt. He failed them both. "I'm so sorry Kim."
"Why dad? What are you sorry about?" Kim asked through her tears.
"I'm sorry I let you and your mom down. Everything that happen was because of me. I was selfish, with the life I have lived I do not deserve you guys and that is what they were trying to tell me. If I had never of done the things I had done your mom would still be here and we would be happy."
"Dad it was not your fault. You were protecting the country. It is your job to do it. That is what you are good at. You tried hard and did a great job getting us free. It wasn't your fault no one could have known. Mom understands that. She does and she understands you wanting to be with Kate." Kim said tears running down her face.
"How do you know?" Jack asked trying not to sound angry.
"What did she use to say when you would ask you what would you do if she died? She would want you to find someone new. You had a big heart she said, and you had a duty to share it. She understood. She understands. Kate is a lovely person dad and so are you. You deserve her. You have not done anything wrong."
They sat in silence. Crying together Kim holding her father and trying to comfort him. Inside she felt sadness and joy at the same time; sadness for her mother being dead and the present state of her father, and joy for her father finally facing the past. She held him and rocked. "Everything is fine. Take your time." She encouraged him. She wanted so much to make his pain go away.
After awhile he stopped and looked at Kim. He had a half smile on his face, "Don't tell anyone or I'll have to tell Chase about the fish from your childhood."
"You wouldn't dare." She said smiling. "Don't want anyone to know that the big mean brave Jack Bauer has a soft side to him. That's to late dad they all already know. Let's go."