Chapter 3
Just a brief note first. Yes, I know I haven't updated this story is years, but I've finally figured out what I want to do with it. In order to do this, I've had to move it from the Discworld section, but don't worry, it's still the same story. It's just a bit longer, and a lot stranger.
It's also become a bigger x-over than it was, involving more people. But that just makes it more fun…
Incidentally, the Hitchhiker's Guide bits are set after Mostly Harmless. If you haven't read this one, you're not missing much. It's confusing and ends annoyingly. This point is, the Earth just got blown up by Vogons and Arthur and Ford and everybody are all dead. Or so they thought…
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Arthur Dent struggled to remain unconscious despite his pounding head. In some distant region of his mind he was certain he was dead. The mind is said to form peculiar connections when one has a near-death experience, so Arthur reasoned that he was allowed to form strange connections now. After all, how much nearer to death could you get than being dead?
He thought about things for a while, with his eyes shut. He'd led a good, if more than a little confusing, life. He'd met aliens, been shot at by aliens, nearly killed hundreds of times, seen the wonders of the galaxy, met the man who ruled the universe, ridden mysterious phase-shifting buffalo. He'd been to the restaurant at the end of the universe, listened(he shuddered at the memory) to Vogon poetry, heard Elvis live in a burger bar… He stopped a minute, then shook his head. Whatever, that point was, he'd had a good, long life, or at least it had seemed long, and now he was dead.
Well, his inner voice said, that's not so bad. You should be somewhere better anyway. He smiled, sat up and opened his eyes.
And screamed. There was something horrible in front of him. A huge, terrible lumpy monstrosity with patterns of light and shade highlighting terrible tufts of frazzled hair and a sort of lumpish thing in the middle which seemed oddly familiar.
It was a nose.
He stared at it. His brain wasn't working terribly well, what with all the thumping and everything. Was it his nose? Was that why it seemed familiar?
He reached up to check if it was in fact his nose, and it swam out of view again.
He stared some more, and gradually it came back into focus. It was a nose, and it had a face. Or rather, the face surrounding it had a nose. He stared at the face for a moment, and it broke into a wide grin at him.
"Oh god, no…" He recognised that face.
"Hey! Arthur! You're awake!" Ford Prefect grinned at him some more, liking the effect, then stopped. Arthur sighed. He couldn't be dead. He had led, he reasoned, a relatively blameless life*, and didn't expect things like this to happen after he was dead.
"So. We're not dead." Ford rolled his eyes at him. One of the most irritating habits which most humans shared was their amazing ability to blindly state the obvious, and despite years of Arthur being forced into absurd situations, time and again, he still hadn't broken the habit.
"No, we're not. But I don't know where we are." Arthur frowned.
"On a ship?"
"Well, obviously, but I don't know what kind of ship. I've never seen a ship like this before. And look at this." He passed a mug to Arthur. There was a logo on it, one he'd never seen before. It said 'Jupiter Mining Corporation'. He frowned.
"What's so odd about that?" Ford rolled his eyes again. He really was quite good at it.
"Just look at it, will you?" Arthur obediently looked, then shrugged.
"It's just a mug. Says 'Jupiter Mining Corporation' on the side."
"Exactly!" Ford waved his arms excitedly, and Arthur looked blank.
"So, it's a mining ship. Is that good or bad?" Ford groaned.
"It's not just any mining ship. Just look at the mug. Tell me what's strange about it." Arthur turned it over in his hands.
"Says 'made in Taiwan' on the bottom." He observed.
"Yes! And that means…" He grinned at Arthur expectantly.
Arthur shrugged helplessly.
"They buy their crockery cheap?" Ford had had enough.
"You really are an idiot, aren't you? It's written in English, you pillock. That's why you can read it. And made in Taiwan, which is a place on Earth."
"This is an Earth ship?" Ford nodded.
"Must be. All the signs are in English, too. We must have travelled sideways again."
"Sideways?"
"Through space, time and the alternate dimensions." Arthur nodded slowly. That was probably right, it made sense.
Then he frowned.
"Why?"
"How the hell should I know? I think we're owed a drink." He added, then brightened. "There's half a can of lager over there, on the table."
Arthur shrugged, then froze. There had been a strange, peculiar little noise. The sort of strange little noise that could be produced by, say-
"SO, how are you guys getting along? Feeling better?"
A door opening, maybe.
They both turned to stare at the intruder. He was a robot. That much was blindingly obvious, from his metallic body to his pink plastic head. He smiled disarmingly, and walked in. He walked like a robot, too, as if he had a couple of extra knees in each leg, and maybe an elbow too for good measure.
Ford blinked at him. Arthur shrugged.
"Uh, hi. Do you-" The robot smiled in what was obviously meant to be a reassuring way.
"Good afternoon, sirs. My name is Kryten and you are on the mining ship Red Dwarf. Now, things may get a little complicated in a while so I'll just take a minute to answer any questions you might have." He nodded encouragingly at them and Arthur smiled back.
"So. You're a robot, then." Kryten nodded.
"Series four thousand mechanoid, sir."
"And this is a ship. An Earth ship?" Kryten nodded again.
"Arthur?" Ford glared at him pointedly. "Stop stating the obvious and let me ask the questions. Where are we?"
"On the mining ship Red Dwarf, sirs. Six million years and we don't know how far away from Earth." Ford nodded knowingly.
"I see. And, not that I'm saying I'm ungrateful for your timely rescue of me and my friend here, but just exactly why did you rescue us?" Kryten looked flakily surprised.
"But surely sirs you didn't expect us to just leave you to die on that hideous planet?"
Arthur groaned.
"That hideous planet," he muttered annoyed, "was Earth."
"No, no of course not." Ford continued, ignoring him. "But why, I mean, surely you want us for some reason or another? I mean-" He grinned again. "I'm a pretty wanted guy."
"Actually, sir, we were only really after him." He gestured at Arthur. "I suppose it was just luck that we managed to grab you as well."
As Ford choked quietly on that unsettling news Arthur gaped in semi-horror.
"You want me? What for?"
"That's what I was going to ask." Ford mumbled sulkily.
"Well, we should be getting on now. I'll just call the others, now that you're awake. I'm sure you'll get on fine." With that Kryten strode to the door and was gone.
Arthur looked worriedly at Ford. "What do you think he wants?" Ford shrugged.
"Hey, the door's not locked…."
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* I daresay Aragog would disagree with that one.
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Well, here you go. The next chapter is nearly ready too, I'll update again in a few days. Enjoy, and REVIEW!
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