Chapter 5
"Curry stains?" Arthur looked down at the screen as Rincewind pointed, and swallowed.
"Uh, Ford, could you come here a minute? Please?" He backed away from the screen as though it was just about to bite him.
Ford stared at the screen, then tapped the glass thoughtfully.
"So, I take it we're the green blob then?" he pointedly ignored Rimmer's exasperated snort. "and the red one is a planet, so the yellow ones are…" he trailed off and turned to look at Arthur. "Relax; it's probably just a glitch. You people aren't very good at building this kind of stuff." Arthur nodded, looking relieved.
"Well, that's fort-" then his brain caught up with his ears. "What do you mean 'you people'?" Ford shrugged.
"Don't take the wrong way, I'm sure it's not your fault. You're just not very good at this whole space kind of thing."
There was a diplomatic* pause, which Cat interrupted.
"You know," he said thoughtfully, "I don't think it is a glitch. I'm getting something. Something big." He sniffed the air. Arthur and Rincewind looked at him weirdly, whilst Ford just looked weird. "Something big and ugly. Eeeow! It stinks!" Rimmer swallowed.
"I knew it!" he grinned triumphantly at Lister. "Hah!" Lister sighed.
"Not again, Rimmer we've done this millions of times…"
"Aliens!"
"Rimmer, for the last time. There are no aliens. There never were." Rimmer glared at him whilst behind him Ford and Arthur exchanged incredulous looks.
"And how do you know? For all you know there's aliens on this ship right now!" Ford choked.
"Rimmer, for smeg's sake. Every time something slightly weird happens on this ship you say its aliens. Used up all the toilet paper? Aliens. Someone hid your Hammond Organ c.d. collection? Aliens. Huge garbage disposal pod in space? Aliens. Give it a rest! There are no smegging aliens!"
Rimmer shook his head.
"You don't believe in anything, do you Listy? You know that's a terrible way to-"
Finally Arthur could stand it no more. He interrupted.
"SO what are they anyway?" Cat shrugged.
"Beats me, bud. I've never smelt anything like it before." Rimmer grinned excitedly.
"Of course not! They're aliens. They're, you know, alien. You wouldn't have smelt anything like them because they're alien." Ford smirked at Rimmer.
"SO, you're pretty well informed on this alien thing then?" Rimmer smiled smugly.
"Well, I-"
There was a noise. Underneath screeching static a voice that could easily belong to a cross between Godzilla and the swamp monster spoke.
"Hello Earth people." Rimmer frowned.
"What did he say?" Lister shrugged and Arthur motioned to him to be quiet.
"Hello Earth people." The voice said again. "Hello Ford." It added. Ford swallowed. "We are from the Intergalactic Bypass Commission on Vogon. There has been a minor clerical error." – there was a pause and the sound of rustling paper. " A minor clerical error resulting in the unfortunate survival of a number of component parts of the computer Earth. In order for us to collect payment for it's demolition, I'm afraid we will have to destroy your ship and everyone on it." Ford frowned.
"What about me?" he asked unhappily.
"I said everyone on the ship, you wazzock. That includes you. We have been paid a small fortune by the Guide to make certain that you can never charge expenses to them ever again." The transmission cut off. Arthur made a small unhappy noise and Ford grinned at the Red Dwarf crew apologetically.
"Aliens!" Rimmer grinned. "I told you! Aliens-"
"Aliens are about to blow up your ship, yes. Well done." Ford added sourly.
"What? What the hell are you talking about?" Cat looked confused (okay, more so than normal).
"Didn't you-" Ford began.
"Of course! No fish! They don't have any fish!" Arthur grinned at having worked out the communication problem, then remembered that he was about to get blown up into little bits.
Lister stared at the two of them.
"Okay. Let's all sit down and you two can tell us what the smeg is going on."
Arthur looked at Ford. "How long-"
"It should take them about fifteen minutes to warm up the Mega-Xterminatator Ray. We've got time." He looked at his watch. "I think."
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Ford quickly told them what the Vogons had said, hindered only briefly by Arthur's attempt to tell them about the Babel fish. Finally, he'd finished and Rimmer spoke.
"So. They are aliens then." He smirked at Lister. "I was right." Ford rolled his eyes.
"I don't know why you're getting so excited about this whole alien thing anyway. I mean, we're all aliens in a way
"Some of us more so than others." Arthur interjected. Rimmer frowned.
"But just think of the amazing technological advances we could make with the help of aliens! We could build a better-" Arthur rolled his eyes.
"Look, just because they're aliens doesn't mean they're all wise and have this wonderful technology and stuff. It's not like bloody Star-Trek, you know. Most of them have deep-seated psychological problems, and they're annoying and crazy like people everywhere. And most of the technology's just useless and annoying anyway." He wound down gradually and stopped. Ford looked hurt.
"You never said you felt like that about it." He accused. Arthur shrugged.
"Yes I did, all the time. You just never shut up long enough to actually listen to what I was saying."
There was an embarrassed silence, then Kryten spoke.
"Uh, sirs, I don't wish to alarm you at all, but there appears to be another ship approaching."
"Is it the Wildfire?" Lister asked hopefully. Rimmer snorted.
"Uh, no sir. I cannot read the identification code. It appears to be written in another language. The ship seems to be distorting space around itself."
"Distorting space? Are you sure it's not the Wildfire."
"Quite certain. But, there's something odd going on around it's hull."
"Show me." A picture of a big silver impressive-looking ship filled the screen on the wall of the cabin.
"It appears to be firing some sort of beam at the, uh, Vogon ship."
"It's a weapon?"
"It doesn't appear to be. The space around the Vogon ship is being distorted."
There was a noise like a deflated balloon popping. They stared at the screen in disbelief.
Kryten tutted.
"The Vogon ship appears to have turned into a giant gelatinous mass, consisting of glucose syrup, flour and-" Rincewind rolled his eyes.
"It's a giant marshmallow." Ford suddenly broke into a grin. He nudged Arthur.
"Hey, uh, robot guy-"
"Kryten."
"Yeah, Kryten. Could you tell me what the probability of that happening is?" Kryten shrugged.
"Approximately a million to one, sirs." Ford grinned some more and Arthur, catching on finally, groaned and banged his head on the table. Rincewind began a little countdown in his head.
"A giant marshmallow? Why did it do that?" Rimmer looked baffled. Lister shrugged.
"Maybe million to one chances crop up sometimes. What the chance that the ship is friendly?" Kryten looked thoughtful.
"Oddly, the probability is almost exactly a million to one sir."
"It's a million to one chance, but it just might work.."
"Three." Muttered Rincewind darkly. They ignored him.
"Can we talk to them? Find out who they are?" Kryten nodded.
"We're broadcasting now sirs." Rimmer cleared his throat importantly.
"Greetings unidentified alien vessel. We-" A crackle of static interrupted him.
"Stow it, monkeyman. Hey Ford, you there?" Arthur swore quietly.
"Hey, Zaphod, how you been?"
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End of chapter.
Authors note= Well, it had to happen. Incidentally, yes, I did mean Agrajag, thanks to Ponder Stibbons for pointing that out. I do appreciate you telling me when I make these annoying little mistakes. Thanks also Trillium, I did mean Wizzard.
Thank you to everyone who is reviewing my stuff, you're great and I love you too, raw salmon notwithstanding. Apologies to everyone who's waiting impatiently for something exciting to happen to Rincewind, I know I've been concentrating mostly on Arthur and Ford at the moment. I promise, things will happen in the next chapter.