Romeo and Juliet- With a Hogwarts Twist A parody by Erin Purdy
Starring:
-Harry Potter as Romeo
-Hermione Granger as Juliet
-Ronald Weasley as Mercutio
-Neville Longbottom as Benvolio
-Draco Malfoy as Tybalt
-Madame Pomfry as The Nurse
-Prof. Dumbledor as Friar Lawrence
-Lucius Malfoy as Capulet
-Mrs. Malfoy as Lady Capulet
-Vernon Dursley as Montague
-Petunia Dursley as Lady Montague
-Gilderoy Lockhart as Prince Escalus
-Oliver Wood as Paris
-Fred and George Weasley as Montague Servants
-Dobby and Winky as Capulet servants
-Prof. Snape as Chorus
[Enter Chorus]
Snape: Here follows the story of two insubordinate students,
Both doomed to die by the end of the play,
If you came to the play
Expecting a happy end,
Then you should go boil your head.
Audience: NO SPOILERS!
[Audience throws Blast-Ended Skrewts at Snape]
Snape: FINE! You'll be back...
[Exit Chorus]
Act One- Scene One
[Curtain opens to reveal busy street of Hogsmeade bustling with Harry Potter characters in a market. Enter Fred and George stage right, Dobby and Winky stage left]
Fred: The Capulets are bloody cowards,
And I would prove it given the chance,
For hence come the servants of their house.
George: You sound like a Shakespearian actor, Fred.
Fred: Maybe because this is a Shakespearian play, eh?
George: Oh, is that what it is? I just wanted in on it to get a seat next to Angelina.
[George growls in a suggestive manner]
Fred: Oy! This is a family play! Take that suggestive noise back!
[Fred makes to punch George in the mouth, only to find that George has bitten his thumb]
Fred: OW! That was my thumb!
Dobby: [angry] Does sir bite his thumb at Dobby?
George: No, no, we don't bite our thumb at you, Dobby.
Fred: But you bit my thumb!
Dobby: So sir does bite his thumb at Dobby and Winky! Sir is a Montague and will pay for biting his thumb! [Dobby draws rapier]
George: But I didn't even bite my own thumb! [Draws rapier to block blow from Dobby]
[Fred glances at Winky]
Fred: You do realize that he bit my thumb, don't you?
Winky: How dare sir speak to Winky that way! [Winky draws. Both pairs fight. Enter Neville stage right.]
Neville: Oh, not you four again! Put up your swords!
[Enter Draco]
Draco: Draw, Neville! Face thy death!
George: [still fighting Dobby] See, now HE'S doing it! How do you blokes DO that?
Neville: Draco, you gotta stop these guys fighting, or Prince Lockhart will come and do something horrible to us!
Draco: You always were a wimp, Neville.
Neville: Oh that's it! [Draws]
[Both the Malfoys and the Dursleys hear the commotion and run into the square, prepared to defend their kinsmen]
Draco: Say it! Say it! [Poking Neville in the ribs with his rapier]
Neville: I'm a weenie! I'M A WEENIE!!
[With a clatter of hooves, Prince Lockhart and his entourage arrive in the square, breaking up the fighting immediately]
Lockhart: Apart! Apart! Look upon me now!
Yes, look upon... [grins widely] me!
Montagues, Capulets... Now, you're just being silly! Why now do you fight in the streets of fair Hogsmeade?
Fred: He bit my blinkin' thumb, that's why! And, by-the-by, Prince Lockhart, have you got a bandage about you? I think I'm bleeding.
Lockhart: Be still! [throws Fred a bandage] Now you really must stop this, you know. You're frightening us! I'll say... If ever any of you are found fighting in public again, I shall feed you to the Norwegian Ridgebacks!
[Exit Lockhart and entourage. Exit Capulets]
Vernon: I say, Neville, how did all this hullabaloo come about?
Neville: Well, as far as I can tell, Fred and George met Dobby and Winky, George bit Fred's thumb, Dobby took it the wrong way, and they began to fight. As I tried to stop them, Draco called me a wimp, and I defended my honor and myself with my rapier.
Fred: How come Neville gets all the lines?
Petunia: Hush, servant!
[Exit Fred]
Vernon: By the way, have you seen Harry today? He's eluded our sight the whole day!
Neville: He's probably whining over Cho. She dumped him yesterday for Cedric Diggory. I'll go look for him though.
George: Well, my scene is done. Where's Angelina?
[Exit George, Vernon and Petunia]
[Enter Harry, depressed]
Neville: Oy! Harry! Your dad was just looking for you!
Harry: [groans] Life is so cruel and unfair! Cho, the one I love, doesn't return my love! Plus I have a Potions Final tomorrow.
Neville: You really have got to stop thinking about Cho. She's really not all that great, you know.
Harry: ARGH!! Cho! I love you Cho!
Neville: [sighs] We've got a long day ahead of us.
[Exit all, curtain closes]
[Enter Chorus]
Snape: This first scene was boring,
The rest will be worse.
I alone saved this play,
And those who disagree will receive detention.
[Exit Chorus]
Starring:
-Harry Potter as Romeo
-Hermione Granger as Juliet
-Ronald Weasley as Mercutio
-Neville Longbottom as Benvolio
-Draco Malfoy as Tybalt
-Madame Pomfry as The Nurse
-Prof. Dumbledor as Friar Lawrence
-Lucius Malfoy as Capulet
-Mrs. Malfoy as Lady Capulet
-Vernon Dursley as Montague
-Petunia Dursley as Lady Montague
-Gilderoy Lockhart as Prince Escalus
-Oliver Wood as Paris
-Fred and George Weasley as Montague Servants
-Dobby and Winky as Capulet servants
-Prof. Snape as Chorus
[Enter Chorus]
Snape: Here follows the story of two insubordinate students,
Both doomed to die by the end of the play,
If you came to the play
Expecting a happy end,
Then you should go boil your head.
Audience: NO SPOILERS!
[Audience throws Blast-Ended Skrewts at Snape]
Snape: FINE! You'll be back...
[Exit Chorus]
Act One- Scene One
[Curtain opens to reveal busy street of Hogsmeade bustling with Harry Potter characters in a market. Enter Fred and George stage right, Dobby and Winky stage left]
Fred: The Capulets are bloody cowards,
And I would prove it given the chance,
For hence come the servants of their house.
George: You sound like a Shakespearian actor, Fred.
Fred: Maybe because this is a Shakespearian play, eh?
George: Oh, is that what it is? I just wanted in on it to get a seat next to Angelina.
[George growls in a suggestive manner]
Fred: Oy! This is a family play! Take that suggestive noise back!
[Fred makes to punch George in the mouth, only to find that George has bitten his thumb]
Fred: OW! That was my thumb!
Dobby: [angry] Does sir bite his thumb at Dobby?
George: No, no, we don't bite our thumb at you, Dobby.
Fred: But you bit my thumb!
Dobby: So sir does bite his thumb at Dobby and Winky! Sir is a Montague and will pay for biting his thumb! [Dobby draws rapier]
George: But I didn't even bite my own thumb! [Draws rapier to block blow from Dobby]
[Fred glances at Winky]
Fred: You do realize that he bit my thumb, don't you?
Winky: How dare sir speak to Winky that way! [Winky draws. Both pairs fight. Enter Neville stage right.]
Neville: Oh, not you four again! Put up your swords!
[Enter Draco]
Draco: Draw, Neville! Face thy death!
George: [still fighting Dobby] See, now HE'S doing it! How do you blokes DO that?
Neville: Draco, you gotta stop these guys fighting, or Prince Lockhart will come and do something horrible to us!
Draco: You always were a wimp, Neville.
Neville: Oh that's it! [Draws]
[Both the Malfoys and the Dursleys hear the commotion and run into the square, prepared to defend their kinsmen]
Draco: Say it! Say it! [Poking Neville in the ribs with his rapier]
Neville: I'm a weenie! I'M A WEENIE!!
[With a clatter of hooves, Prince Lockhart and his entourage arrive in the square, breaking up the fighting immediately]
Lockhart: Apart! Apart! Look upon me now!
Yes, look upon... [grins widely] me!
Montagues, Capulets... Now, you're just being silly! Why now do you fight in the streets of fair Hogsmeade?
Fred: He bit my blinkin' thumb, that's why! And, by-the-by, Prince Lockhart, have you got a bandage about you? I think I'm bleeding.
Lockhart: Be still! [throws Fred a bandage] Now you really must stop this, you know. You're frightening us! I'll say... If ever any of you are found fighting in public again, I shall feed you to the Norwegian Ridgebacks!
[Exit Lockhart and entourage. Exit Capulets]
Vernon: I say, Neville, how did all this hullabaloo come about?
Neville: Well, as far as I can tell, Fred and George met Dobby and Winky, George bit Fred's thumb, Dobby took it the wrong way, and they began to fight. As I tried to stop them, Draco called me a wimp, and I defended my honor and myself with my rapier.
Fred: How come Neville gets all the lines?
Petunia: Hush, servant!
[Exit Fred]
Vernon: By the way, have you seen Harry today? He's eluded our sight the whole day!
Neville: He's probably whining over Cho. She dumped him yesterday for Cedric Diggory. I'll go look for him though.
George: Well, my scene is done. Where's Angelina?
[Exit George, Vernon and Petunia]
[Enter Harry, depressed]
Neville: Oy! Harry! Your dad was just looking for you!
Harry: [groans] Life is so cruel and unfair! Cho, the one I love, doesn't return my love! Plus I have a Potions Final tomorrow.
Neville: You really have got to stop thinking about Cho. She's really not all that great, you know.
Harry: ARGH!! Cho! I love you Cho!
Neville: [sighs] We've got a long day ahead of us.
[Exit all, curtain closes]
[Enter Chorus]
Snape: This first scene was boring,
The rest will be worse.
I alone saved this play,
And those who disagree will receive detention.
[Exit Chorus]