Full of Grace
A/N: Last chapter was from Baralai's POV. I am continuing this at the request of Peeping Shadow Monkey, because she will kill me if I do not continue this story. So there will be this chapter, told from the POV of Tidus, and one last chapter, to wrap it all up, with a POV of Gippal. Depending on this chapter there might be another chapter with a different character's POV. We'll see, though... :) Enjoy!
the winter here's cold, and bitter
it's chilled us to the bone
we haven't seen the sun for weeks
too long too far from home
I feel just like I'm sinking
and I claw for solid ground
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go
I ran. The night air was cold against my face and my bare skin. I dashed through Macalania woods to where my hut had been set up. Where I lived, where I had to run to. I did not care if anyone saw me nude, I just had to get out of there. Baralai had gone crazy, he was mad, and I thought he was the one that could bring some sanity back into me. I did not know who I was, only that my name was Tidus, and I did not belong here.
I slept with Baralai to get answers, but I was weak and came to rely on him. I needed him, as much as he thought he needed Gippal. Didn't he know that he was everything to me when I was only a sex toy to him? Does he know how badly the wounds no one can see bleed? I feel that I deserve more than this, but something tells me this is where I belong.
There is no more reality that makes sense. I ran, feeling the crisp air around me, and fled back to my hut. Only Baralai knew of me, only he knew where I lived. Or so he thought. There was another, and when I entered my hut I sensed that he was there. That he was waiting for me, waiting for me to go to bed with him. It wasn't wrong, I told myself, over and over, walking to the bedroom. There was no need to turn on the light as I slipped through the shadows to my bed.
He was there, pulling me in, bringing my naked body to his, and I let him, I let myself be used by someone else, when my mind was elsewhere. I knew what I was doing, how I was ruining them all, and I could not stop. If it was one thing I wanted, it would be for this confusion to stop.
"Tidus," he whispered, biting my ear, pulling my body underneath his, dominating me. Despite myself I reacted to his touch, I yearned to feel the release I so needed, I so yearned for.
"Fuck me," I whispered back, wrapping my legs around his waist. "Fuck me, Shuyin."
if all of the strength and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I can love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace
my love
I ruin lives. That is all that I do. There is nothing left in this world for me to live for. As I was leaving Baralai, knowing that with each step I was adding fuel to the fire that was burning that bridge, I saw him return. Gippal. Dumb fucking bastard. Why would you take Rikku when you could have Baralai?
Shuyin put himself in me and I cried out, in pleasure, although I was not really happy. I clenched the sheets beside me in anger, feeling hatred for the Al Bhed rise and fall with the beating of my heart and the rocking of my body.
They all thought I was the innocent one, the careless one. They all thought I was weak. But I was not. Baralai controlled me, but if I hadn't been so blind or so dependent when I first went to him then I would have been the one on top, I would have been the one who came out victorious, I wouldn't have been the one to run.
With a sudden burst of anger I pulled away from Shuyin before he could climax, before he could finish what he started. At first he thought it a game, and growled, "You teasing fucker," under his breath as he tried to pin me back down. I pushed his arms away, shoving him back, and then I threw myself on top of him.
"You want a bitch!? I'M NOT THAT PERSON!"
If possible he grew harder against me, a smile broke out on his lips. "Take me, then," he challenged.
Fool, I thought. He did not understand. "I don't love you, and I never will," I whispered, my breath hot against his skin. In the moonlight the sheen of sweat on his skin made him seem to glow, and when he turned his eyes, forcing them into mine, I had to turn away. I did not have the strength to go through with this.
"What are you saying? You can not be serious!"
I slumped off him, falling onto the bed. "Take me, hard," I said softly, nearly a wimper. I was so fucking pathetic. There was no more strength in me, no more fight, no more passion. Something inside me has finally cracked, something inside my heart died. I was nothing. I was shit.
so it's better this way, I said
having seen this place before
where everything we say and do
hurts us all the more
its just that we stayed, too long
in the same old sickly skin
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go
Everything I say, everything I do, digs my grave deeper. There is no place left to turn. The memories from what I thought should have been my life are gone, and I remember nothing. My fingers trail to my lips and I place two of them between the red lines. I blow out, hard, sending a shrill pitch into the air.
A whistle.
It scares Shuyin, catches him off-guard, and he falls off the bed. I made no effort to see whether or not he was alright. He would be fine; he was like a cat -- he always landed on his feet.
A whistle.
Was that all I had? All I had to remember my old life, the way things used to be? I can feel in the deepest caverns of my heart a lingering sensation of joy. I can remember things now that I could not then, and maybe if I knew them then it would have changed things, but maybe not. There was nothing left at all, nothing left!
NOTHING FUCKING LEFT! NOTHING FUCKING LEFT!!! NOTHING!!!!!
I climb out of the bed, make my way for the bathroom. This is the end, I thought, and reached for the razor on the sink. Shuyin ran towards the door, screaming, calling out for me, but I slammed the door in his face.
Nothing left...
if all of the strength
and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace
my love
A/N: Last chapter was from Baralai's POV. I am continuing this at the request of Peeping Shadow Monkey, because she will kill me if I do not continue this story. So there will be this chapter, told from the POV of Tidus, and one last chapter, to wrap it all up, with a POV of Gippal. Depending on this chapter there might be another chapter with a different character's POV. We'll see, though... :) Enjoy!
the winter here's cold, and bitter
it's chilled us to the bone
we haven't seen the sun for weeks
too long too far from home
I feel just like I'm sinking
and I claw for solid ground
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go
I ran. The night air was cold against my face and my bare skin. I dashed through Macalania woods to where my hut had been set up. Where I lived, where I had to run to. I did not care if anyone saw me nude, I just had to get out of there. Baralai had gone crazy, he was mad, and I thought he was the one that could bring some sanity back into me. I did not know who I was, only that my name was Tidus, and I did not belong here.
I slept with Baralai to get answers, but I was weak and came to rely on him. I needed him, as much as he thought he needed Gippal. Didn't he know that he was everything to me when I was only a sex toy to him? Does he know how badly the wounds no one can see bleed? I feel that I deserve more than this, but something tells me this is where I belong.
There is no more reality that makes sense. I ran, feeling the crisp air around me, and fled back to my hut. Only Baralai knew of me, only he knew where I lived. Or so he thought. There was another, and when I entered my hut I sensed that he was there. That he was waiting for me, waiting for me to go to bed with him. It wasn't wrong, I told myself, over and over, walking to the bedroom. There was no need to turn on the light as I slipped through the shadows to my bed.
He was there, pulling me in, bringing my naked body to his, and I let him, I let myself be used by someone else, when my mind was elsewhere. I knew what I was doing, how I was ruining them all, and I could not stop. If it was one thing I wanted, it would be for this confusion to stop.
"Tidus," he whispered, biting my ear, pulling my body underneath his, dominating me. Despite myself I reacted to his touch, I yearned to feel the release I so needed, I so yearned for.
"Fuck me," I whispered back, wrapping my legs around his waist. "Fuck me, Shuyin."
if all of the strength and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I can love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace
my love
I ruin lives. That is all that I do. There is nothing left in this world for me to live for. As I was leaving Baralai, knowing that with each step I was adding fuel to the fire that was burning that bridge, I saw him return. Gippal. Dumb fucking bastard. Why would you take Rikku when you could have Baralai?
Shuyin put himself in me and I cried out, in pleasure, although I was not really happy. I clenched the sheets beside me in anger, feeling hatred for the Al Bhed rise and fall with the beating of my heart and the rocking of my body.
They all thought I was the innocent one, the careless one. They all thought I was weak. But I was not. Baralai controlled me, but if I hadn't been so blind or so dependent when I first went to him then I would have been the one on top, I would have been the one who came out victorious, I wouldn't have been the one to run.
With a sudden burst of anger I pulled away from Shuyin before he could climax, before he could finish what he started. At first he thought it a game, and growled, "You teasing fucker," under his breath as he tried to pin me back down. I pushed his arms away, shoving him back, and then I threw myself on top of him.
"You want a bitch!? I'M NOT THAT PERSON!"
If possible he grew harder against me, a smile broke out on his lips. "Take me, then," he challenged.
Fool, I thought. He did not understand. "I don't love you, and I never will," I whispered, my breath hot against his skin. In the moonlight the sheen of sweat on his skin made him seem to glow, and when he turned his eyes, forcing them into mine, I had to turn away. I did not have the strength to go through with this.
"What are you saying? You can not be serious!"
I slumped off him, falling onto the bed. "Take me, hard," I said softly, nearly a wimper. I was so fucking pathetic. There was no more strength in me, no more fight, no more passion. Something inside me has finally cracked, something inside my heart died. I was nothing. I was shit.
so it's better this way, I said
having seen this place before
where everything we say and do
hurts us all the more
its just that we stayed, too long
in the same old sickly skin
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go
Everything I say, everything I do, digs my grave deeper. There is no place left to turn. The memories from what I thought should have been my life are gone, and I remember nothing. My fingers trail to my lips and I place two of them between the red lines. I blow out, hard, sending a shrill pitch into the air.
A whistle.
It scares Shuyin, catches him off-guard, and he falls off the bed. I made no effort to see whether or not he was alright. He would be fine; he was like a cat -- he always landed on his feet.
A whistle.
Was that all I had? All I had to remember my old life, the way things used to be? I can feel in the deepest caverns of my heart a lingering sensation of joy. I can remember things now that I could not then, and maybe if I knew them then it would have changed things, but maybe not. There was nothing left at all, nothing left!
NOTHING FUCKING LEFT! NOTHING FUCKING LEFT!!! NOTHING!!!!!
I climb out of the bed, make my way for the bathroom. This is the end, I thought, and reached for the razor on the sink. Shuyin ran towards the door, screaming, calling out for me, but I slammed the door in his face.
Nothing left...
if all of the strength
and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
full of grace
full of grace
my love