Act Two- Scene Four
Ron: God, I'm hungover...
Neville: That's what you get for drinking so bloody much!
Ron: How is it that YOU don't have a hangover?
Neville: [Pats his round stomach] Alcohol storage.
Ron: Say what?!
Neville: Alcohol storage!
Ron: Ugh... Ladies and gentlemen, we have a comedian...
Neville: Say, Ron, aren't you a bit worried about Harry? I didn't see him come back from the mask. His father's been asking about him all night and through the day.
Ron: If the boy wants to get himself hammered and fall into a drunken stupor in some back alley, I'm not stopping him...
Neville: Oh, speaking of Harry...
[Neville reaches into his pocket and pulls out a large manila envelope.]
Neville: Draco sent Harry a letter.
Ron: Are you in the habit of searching through other peoples' mail?
Neville: No! I mean, well-
Ron: I'll bet you anything it's a challenge. That bloody coward can bite me, for all I care. And, hell, maybe if I muss him up a bit, Harry might have a chance.
Neville: Win or not, Harry'll take the challenge.
Ron: Because he's a STUPID LOVE-CRAZED BUGGER!!
[Enter Harry]
Harry: Hey... that wasn't very nice...
Ron: I know it wasn't, but that's my character's trait.
Harry: Just like mine is naive and love-crazed.
Neville: And mine's the best-friend stereotype.
Ron: Y'know, Harry, I'd challenge you to a battle of wits, but my head feels like it's being crushed by an army of angry anvils.
Harry: It's for the best, because I'm not exactly the brightest crayon in the box.
[Enter Pomfry and Dobby]
Ron: Oh, God, someone gouge out my eyes! She's hideous!
Pomfry: Dobby, hand me my fan.
Ron: Yes, for God's sake, Dobby, give her the fan! I can't stand the horror for much longer!
Pomfry: Is one of you fine-looking gentlemen Harry?
Harry: [frightened] I-I-I'm sorry, but my heart belongs to another!
Ron: Run, man! She wants your flesh!
Pomfry: Now calm down! I'm just here to deliver a message from my sweet, wonderful, caring, beautiful, gentile, budding, well-groomed-
Harry: Okay, you can stop! I know you're talking about Hermione! [Turns to Ron and Neville] Don't you two have poor innocent rats to chase?
Ron: Why, I had completely forgotten! Come on Neville!
[Exit Ron and Neville]
Harry: So, what says my lady?
Pomfry: My lady Hermione, the adoring and fabulous girl she is, says that she will meet you wherever you arrange -ai me!- and that she'll give her life to you -ai me!- and she'll have plenty of tiny Hermiones -ai me!-
Harry: Can you just shut up for once?! Just tell Hermione to meet me behind Friar Dumbledor's and we'll get hitched. And tell her to bring... a... rope... ladder...
Pomfry: Rope ladder?
Harry: Don't question me, woman! Tonight! Hermione! Friar Dumbledor's! ROPE. LADDER.
[Exit Harry]
Pomfry: .......... I wonder what she sees in him...
[Exit all, curtain closes]
[Enter Chorus]
Snape: And so the plot thickens
Or is it "thick plottens?"
Oh, who really cares?
What the hell rhymes with "plottens?"
Audience: That's not fair! We expect a REAL rhyme!
Snape: ... It's been almost a year since we've done this. Give us a break!
[Exit Chorus]
AN: So, what did you think about my triumphant return? It's been so long, I don't think anyone will remember me. Oh well. Enjoy the new chapter for now, and the next one soon to come!
Ron: God, I'm hungover...
Neville: That's what you get for drinking so bloody much!
Ron: How is it that YOU don't have a hangover?
Neville: [Pats his round stomach] Alcohol storage.
Ron: Say what?!
Neville: Alcohol storage!
Ron: Ugh... Ladies and gentlemen, we have a comedian...
Neville: Say, Ron, aren't you a bit worried about Harry? I didn't see him come back from the mask. His father's been asking about him all night and through the day.
Ron: If the boy wants to get himself hammered and fall into a drunken stupor in some back alley, I'm not stopping him...
Neville: Oh, speaking of Harry...
[Neville reaches into his pocket and pulls out a large manila envelope.]
Neville: Draco sent Harry a letter.
Ron: Are you in the habit of searching through other peoples' mail?
Neville: No! I mean, well-
Ron: I'll bet you anything it's a challenge. That bloody coward can bite me, for all I care. And, hell, maybe if I muss him up a bit, Harry might have a chance.
Neville: Win or not, Harry'll take the challenge.
Ron: Because he's a STUPID LOVE-CRAZED BUGGER!!
[Enter Harry]
Harry: Hey... that wasn't very nice...
Ron: I know it wasn't, but that's my character's trait.
Harry: Just like mine is naive and love-crazed.
Neville: And mine's the best-friend stereotype.
Ron: Y'know, Harry, I'd challenge you to a battle of wits, but my head feels like it's being crushed by an army of angry anvils.
Harry: It's for the best, because I'm not exactly the brightest crayon in the box.
[Enter Pomfry and Dobby]
Ron: Oh, God, someone gouge out my eyes! She's hideous!
Pomfry: Dobby, hand me my fan.
Ron: Yes, for God's sake, Dobby, give her the fan! I can't stand the horror for much longer!
Pomfry: Is one of you fine-looking gentlemen Harry?
Harry: [frightened] I-I-I'm sorry, but my heart belongs to another!
Ron: Run, man! She wants your flesh!
Pomfry: Now calm down! I'm just here to deliver a message from my sweet, wonderful, caring, beautiful, gentile, budding, well-groomed-
Harry: Okay, you can stop! I know you're talking about Hermione! [Turns to Ron and Neville] Don't you two have poor innocent rats to chase?
Ron: Why, I had completely forgotten! Come on Neville!
[Exit Ron and Neville]
Harry: So, what says my lady?
Pomfry: My lady Hermione, the adoring and fabulous girl she is, says that she will meet you wherever you arrange -ai me!- and that she'll give her life to you -ai me!- and she'll have plenty of tiny Hermiones -ai me!-
Harry: Can you just shut up for once?! Just tell Hermione to meet me behind Friar Dumbledor's and we'll get hitched. And tell her to bring... a... rope... ladder...
Pomfry: Rope ladder?
Harry: Don't question me, woman! Tonight! Hermione! Friar Dumbledor's! ROPE. LADDER.
[Exit Harry]
Pomfry: .......... I wonder what she sees in him...
[Exit all, curtain closes]
[Enter Chorus]
Snape: And so the plot thickens
Or is it "thick plottens?"
Oh, who really cares?
What the hell rhymes with "plottens?"
Audience: That's not fair! We expect a REAL rhyme!
Snape: ... It's been almost a year since we've done this. Give us a break!
[Exit Chorus]
AN: So, what did you think about my triumphant return? It's been so long, I don't think anyone will remember me. Oh well. Enjoy the new chapter for now, and the next one soon to come!