Sandy and Kirsten met with Dr. Colefield at 3:30 on Wednesday to discuss
how they could help Ryan. They quickly found that it wasn't what they
expected. They thought they would be going to talk, but instead they got
grilled.
Dr. Colefield studied her file for a few minutes while Sandy and Kirsten sat there and then looked up at Sandy,
"From our initial conversation, Mr. Cohen, you said you originally met Ryan when you were assigned to represent him. He and his brother were arrested for stealing a car. Is that correct?"
"Yes, that's right." Sandy responded.
"How long have you worked as a Public Defender?" she asked.
Sandy explained, "Fifteen years. I left in August and joined a private practice."
Dr. Colefield nodded her head, made a note in her file and then asked,
"And in fifteen years, how many other foster kids have you taken in?"
"None. Ryan is the first." He answered.
"Why Ryan?" Dr. Colefield asked, "He couldn't have been the first kid you met who needed help, foster care. What was it about Ryan?"
Sandy thought about it for a minute. He wasn't sure how to put it into words, which was strange for him since he usually never had a problem with words.
"At first?" he started, "He was a smart kid who had a number of bad breaks, who really needed someone to help him. He had no one who believed in him. His father was gone. His brother was trouble, and his mother was both physically and emotionally abusive. We originally took him in to give him a chance at a better life."
Sandy knew he didn't explain it right, but Dr. Colefield just nodded and made another note in her file before turning to Kirsten,
"Mrs. Cohen, why did you want to take him in?"
Kirsten did what Sandy did. She thought about it for a minute before trying to explain. But she really couldn't so she admitted,
"It's hard to put it into words. There's something about Ryan. He's just........special."
"And you always thought that?" Dr. Colefield asked. She seriously doubted it was true, and wanted to see how Kirsten would answer. She was curious to see how honest these people were willing to be with her, and with themselves.
She was surprised when Kirsten admitted,
"No, not at first. At first I was mad at Sandy for bringing Ryan home. And even though I knew Ryan was being abused, I made Sandy take him back to Chino two days later when there was some trouble. I blamed Ryan. I was also the one who insisted that Sandy turn Ryan over to Child Services, and the one who insisted we find his mother, even though Ryan told us he didn't want to."
Sandy quickly added,
"But you were also the one who got him out of juvie after the fire, and the one who made the final decision to let Ryan live with us. Don't forget that."
Dr. Colefield noted that Kirsten seemed to have some tremendous feelings of guilt over her initial treatment of Ryan, and Sandy must have spent a lot of time trying to help her get over it.
"What changed?" Dr. Colefield asked.
"What changed?" Kirsten repeated.
"Yes," Dr. Colefield explained, "When did your feelings for Ryan change? At what point did you decide he was 'special' as you called it?"
"I'm not exactly sure." Kirsten answered, surprising herself that she really didn't know.
"Well then," Dr. Colefield prompted, "Tell me how you came around to deciding that you wanted Ryan to stay with you."
"The day his mother left him for the second time," Kirsten began to explain, "I knew he needed us. He had been with us for a little while before we found Dawn, and he seemed like such a good kid. A really nice kid. Then we found Dawn, and I watched what she did to him, how she treated him. It was just so sad, and it was just so wrong. So when she left again, we decided that he deserved a chance to be with a real family."
"You both have said that you wanted to give Ryan a chance, as if you were only doing this as a favor." Dr. Colefield stated, "Is he a member of your family or not?"
It was a shock to both Kirsten and Sandy to have Dr. Colefield put it in such a coldhearted way.
Sandy answered, "Of course," while Kirsten responded, "Yes."
"Since when?" Dr. Colefield asked. Demanded was a better way to put it.
"I think over time he became an important part of our family," Kirsten tried to explain, "You have to know Ryan. He just fits with us. He belongs."
Sandy agreed,
"Yes. It's hard to put into words, to explain. I think that's what Kirsten means by he's special. It's hard to remember what our family was like before Ryan, that it's only been seven months. He's become very important to us. Whenever I think of my family, I think of Kirsten, Seth and Ryan."
"I know we're not explaining ourselves very well," Kirsten continued, "We love Ryan. It's that simple. How to explain why is not so simple. Because we do. Because he's Ryan."
Dr. Colefield was actually satisfied with the answers. Textbook answers as to what love is usually meant the person didn't mean it and certainly didn't understand it. The fact that neither Cohen could spout off that textbook answer actually meant something very important.
"And have you tried to explain this to Ryan?" she asked.
"We tried, we think," Sandy said, "Both with words and with our actions, we think. We've tried to get him to understand that we love him, and that he's very important to us."
"But you don't think he believes you?" Dr. Colefield asked.
Kirsten admitted,
"No. We think he keeps waiting for us to disappoint him, to fail him, to abandon him."
"Honestly, he does," Dr. Colefield told them.
"How can we change that?" Sandy asked.
"Just keep telling him, showing him, over and over. He may accept it, believe it eventually." Dr. Colefield explained.
"He may accept it?" Kirsten repeated, "You mean, he may never believe us?"
"Maybe, maybe not," Dr. Colefield explained, "It all depends on Ryan, and how much he wants to be a part of your family"
Sandy didn't want to accept that answer. There had to be more they could do,
"But is there anything else that we can do to help Ryan over come his past and to accept this and us as his life now?"
"What do you know about his past?" Dr. Colefield asked.
"Pretty much what you know," Sandy explained, "I've given you all the information we have. His mother is an alcoholic. She was abusive and had abusive boyfriends. Ryan has admitted that much to us. His father is in prison and has been for a large part of Ryan's life. He has a brother Trey, the one who got Ryan arrested initially. Trey apparently has been trouble for years. Prior arrests, drugs, weapons charges. Right now he's in jail for 3 – 5 years."
"So no history of a stable family?" Dr. Colefield concluded.
"Not that we know of." Kirsten said.
Dr. Colefield nodded and made another note in her file. She told the Cohens,
"Give him time and a lot of love, understanding, and proper discipline. But like I said, it will be up to Ryan. Ultimately, this is all about Ryan. How much help he's willing to accept, how much he believes in you as his family and how much he believes in himself. Right now, he has no self confidence. He doesn't know why you would want him as a part of your family. He doesn't feel worthy. It appears to have been made worse by everything that recently happened. He doesn't believe any one trusts him or believes in him."
"But we've told him over and over," Sandy said, almost pleading, "We believed him when he said there was something wrong with Oliver, but we were upset and angry at his behavior, how he handled the situation. That's what we want to help him with. We want him to learn that there are better ways to handle his anger and his trust issues."
"And that's why you brought him to me?" Dr. Colefield asked.
"Yes," Kirsten told her, "Are you going to be able to help him?"
Dr. Colefield smiled, for the first time since Sandy and Kirsten met with her,
"Yes," she told them, "I think so. I think all of us together will be able to help him. Again, provided Ryan will accept our help. And in my opinion, he will. I think he wants to over come his past. I think he really wants to accept you as his family and be accepted by you. But there are many trust issues that he will need to over come. It won't be easy, but I believe it will be possible."
Kirsten and Sandy were both very relieved to hear this, but Kirsten wanted to know something,
"Dr. Colefield, I need to ask," she said, "why didn't you tell us this when we first came in. Why all the questions, the third degree?"
Dr. Colefield smiled again and admitted,
"You'd be surprised how many foster parents come in and just want me to mold them the perfect child. Many biological parents are the same way. They don't want to take the time or the energy to help, to be part of the solution. They don't see it as a lifetime commitment. They just want a quick fix. I first had to make sure you weren't like that."
"There may be a problem with this life time commitment," Sandy explained, "As much as we want Ryan to be a permanent member of our family, Child Services may have a different opinion."
Dr. Colefield nodded,
"Let me guess, an investigation into Ryan's care is underway."
"Well, sort of," Sandy told her, "An investigation is being started. I have a friend who notified me of the impending investigation."
"I guess being in the PD's office does have its advantages." Dr. Colefield said.
"Not really," Sandy told her, "I know they're starting an investigation, but I can't say or do anything about it."
"Is that why you brought Ryan to me? To help your case?" Dr. Colefield demanded to know. She wasn't happy at the thought that she misjudged these people.
But Sandy told her,
"No. We made the appointment with you before we knew about the investigation. We honestly want what's best for Ryan, and we were told that was you. There isn't much we can do about the investigation. We plan on cooperating fully. But besides that, all we can do is hope and pray that it goes our way."
"And have you told Ryan yet?" Dr. Colefield asked.
This time Kirsten answered,
"No. We wanted to talk to you first. Find out how and when we should tell him. He's been through so much already, and we're worried what his reaction will be. We don't want him to think we're giving up on him. Even if, God Forbid, we lose custody, we want him to know we'll always be there. But we don't know how to explain it to him."
"I was told the investigation wouldn't be starting for at least a week," Sandy explained, "There isn't a Social Worker assigned to the case as of yet."
"Then don't tell Ryan yet." Dr. Colefield explained to him, "We have some time. Ryan needs to work through some other issues right now without adding to his worries. We need to give him as much time as possible. I'd also like to make some calls first. See what I can find out. Whoever is assigned to investigate will want my opinion as Ryan's therapist. Plus I would like to meet with Ryan again. See if he thought about what we discussed yesterday, and see how his week went."
But Sandy asked Dr. Colefield,
"Isn't that going to hurt Ryan's trust issues with us even more when he finds out that we knew about the investigation but didn't tell him right away?"
"Sometimes parents have to decide what's best, whether the child believes it or not," Dr. Colefield explained, "And as Ryan's parents, you are taking his emotional state into consideration. This is what you felt was best for Ryan. When I talk to him, I will explain that to him."
"But you're not going to tell him?" Sandy asked.
Dr. Colefield shook her head and explained,
"No. That will have to come from you. He has to know that you will handle this together as a family."
She then added,
"This may come as a surprise to you, but if you don't lose custody, this will actually make your relationship stronger."
"God, I hope so." Kirsten told her.
"If we don't lose custody," she then repeated, "That's all we think about. Losing custody."
Sandy reached over and gave Kirsten's hand a squeeze. He asked Dr. Colefield,
"If we aren't going to tell Ryan about the investigation, what should we talk to him about? He knows we're here today. He's going to be curious."
"Be honest," Dr. Colefield explained, "Tell him we agreed to continue with his counseling. Tell him what you told me about loving him and wanting to be his parents. Also, tell him about the money you receive as foster parents."
"Money?" Kirsten asked. They had been with Dr. Colefield almost an hour, and now she's bringing up money?
But Dr. Colefield explained,
"Ryan is hooked on the checks you receive as foster parents. In Ryan's mind, it justifies why he really isn't a real member of your family. As long as you get paid to take care of him, you don't really want him."
Kirsten was shocked,
"We didn't even know he knew about the checks!" She said.
Before Dr. Colefield said anything, Sandy answered,
"But we should have. This is Ryan. He misses nothing."
"We are sent that money," Sandy continued, "because that's the way its done, but Dr. Colefield, every one of those checks is deposited into an account in Ryan's name. When he turns 18, we're turning the money over to him. We don't want or need money to love Ryan."
"Well," Dr. Colefield said, "That will go a long way in removing one of the obstacles in Ryan's mind. You need to tell him."
"What else should we talk to him about?" Kirsten asked. "We don't know how far to push him to talk. He's very quiet, and when we push him too far, he completely shuts down and pushes us away."
"Don't push him too hard to open up if he doesn't want to," Dr. Colefield explained, "But don't let him shut everyone out either. Talk, always be there to listen, ask him questions, encourage answers, but don't get upset if his answers are short. Eventually, I believe he will start to come to you more and more when he wants to talk. Just don't expect him to suddenly become out going and gregarious. He may always be quiet. That may just be his nature. Never let him forget that you love him, trust him and will always be there for him."
"Speaking of trust," Sandy brought up, "There is something I'd like to ask you. See, Ryan has become friendly with some kids from his soccer team that Kirsten really doesn't like, and doesn't want Ryan to socialize with."
"Why don't you like them?" Dr. Colefield asked Kirsten
"They've been known to get into some trouble," Kirsten explained, "They gave Ryan a really hard time when he first moved here, plus they've never been very nice to Seth. They're just a group of rich, spoiled kids."
"And Seth is?" Dr. Colefield knew the answer, but wanted Kirsten's response.
"Our other son." She said.
"Well, what does Ryan say about this friendship?" Dr. Colefield asked.
"Not much," Kirsten admitted. "When I told him I didn't want him hanging out with them, he got mad and hasn't said much to me since then."
"Talk to him then," Dr. Colefield told her, "Find out what it is about these kids. Why Ryan wants to be friends with them. It may just be that you don't know them very well. Have they ever been arrested, jailed, any thing like that?"
"Well, not exactly," Sandy explained, "Luke was arrested with Ryan back in August, but it was a huge misunderstanding. All charges were dropped."
"That was the fire you told me about?" Dr. Colefield asked.
When Sandy just nodded, she continued,
"Then ask Ryan. Whatever differences he had with these boys, Ryan was able to work through. That's actually a good thing. It shows that Ryan is able to forgive and move on."
"But Seth says......" Kirsten started to say.
But Dr. Colefield interrupted her,
"Ryan is not Seth, and you can't expect him to be. If Ryan likes these kids, and they aren't going to get him arrested or in any serious trouble, then Ryan should be allowed to make his own friends. It'll help him fit in better, adjust to his new life."
With that Dr. Colefield closed her file and told the Cohens,
"I'd like to talk to you on Monday, on the phone to see how your talk with Ryan went, and how his week went before I meet with him on Tuesday. I will also see what I can find out about the Child Services investigation, and will let you know."
After Kirsten and Sandy left, Dr. Colefield read over her notes. After she was done, she knew that her first reaction to these people was right. They genuinely loved and wanted Ryan. It was not an act. They would truly be surprised to know what convinced Dr. Colefield of this the most. It was when Kirsten Cohen absentmindedly referred to Seth as their "other son." Dr. Colefield was so used to people making huge efforts to say what they thought she wanted to hear. It was those comments they made without thinking that usually told Dr. Colefield what she needed to know. And she knew Kirsten Cohen saw both Ryan and Seth as her sons.
Knowing that, Dr. Colefield picked up the phone to call over to Child Services to see who she needed to talk to in order to help insure that Ryan stayed with the Cohens permanently.
Dr. Colefield studied her file for a few minutes while Sandy and Kirsten sat there and then looked up at Sandy,
"From our initial conversation, Mr. Cohen, you said you originally met Ryan when you were assigned to represent him. He and his brother were arrested for stealing a car. Is that correct?"
"Yes, that's right." Sandy responded.
"How long have you worked as a Public Defender?" she asked.
Sandy explained, "Fifteen years. I left in August and joined a private practice."
Dr. Colefield nodded her head, made a note in her file and then asked,
"And in fifteen years, how many other foster kids have you taken in?"
"None. Ryan is the first." He answered.
"Why Ryan?" Dr. Colefield asked, "He couldn't have been the first kid you met who needed help, foster care. What was it about Ryan?"
Sandy thought about it for a minute. He wasn't sure how to put it into words, which was strange for him since he usually never had a problem with words.
"At first?" he started, "He was a smart kid who had a number of bad breaks, who really needed someone to help him. He had no one who believed in him. His father was gone. His brother was trouble, and his mother was both physically and emotionally abusive. We originally took him in to give him a chance at a better life."
Sandy knew he didn't explain it right, but Dr. Colefield just nodded and made another note in her file before turning to Kirsten,
"Mrs. Cohen, why did you want to take him in?"
Kirsten did what Sandy did. She thought about it for a minute before trying to explain. But she really couldn't so she admitted,
"It's hard to put it into words. There's something about Ryan. He's just........special."
"And you always thought that?" Dr. Colefield asked. She seriously doubted it was true, and wanted to see how Kirsten would answer. She was curious to see how honest these people were willing to be with her, and with themselves.
She was surprised when Kirsten admitted,
"No, not at first. At first I was mad at Sandy for bringing Ryan home. And even though I knew Ryan was being abused, I made Sandy take him back to Chino two days later when there was some trouble. I blamed Ryan. I was also the one who insisted that Sandy turn Ryan over to Child Services, and the one who insisted we find his mother, even though Ryan told us he didn't want to."
Sandy quickly added,
"But you were also the one who got him out of juvie after the fire, and the one who made the final decision to let Ryan live with us. Don't forget that."
Dr. Colefield noted that Kirsten seemed to have some tremendous feelings of guilt over her initial treatment of Ryan, and Sandy must have spent a lot of time trying to help her get over it.
"What changed?" Dr. Colefield asked.
"What changed?" Kirsten repeated.
"Yes," Dr. Colefield explained, "When did your feelings for Ryan change? At what point did you decide he was 'special' as you called it?"
"I'm not exactly sure." Kirsten answered, surprising herself that she really didn't know.
"Well then," Dr. Colefield prompted, "Tell me how you came around to deciding that you wanted Ryan to stay with you."
"The day his mother left him for the second time," Kirsten began to explain, "I knew he needed us. He had been with us for a little while before we found Dawn, and he seemed like such a good kid. A really nice kid. Then we found Dawn, and I watched what she did to him, how she treated him. It was just so sad, and it was just so wrong. So when she left again, we decided that he deserved a chance to be with a real family."
"You both have said that you wanted to give Ryan a chance, as if you were only doing this as a favor." Dr. Colefield stated, "Is he a member of your family or not?"
It was a shock to both Kirsten and Sandy to have Dr. Colefield put it in such a coldhearted way.
Sandy answered, "Of course," while Kirsten responded, "Yes."
"Since when?" Dr. Colefield asked. Demanded was a better way to put it.
"I think over time he became an important part of our family," Kirsten tried to explain, "You have to know Ryan. He just fits with us. He belongs."
Sandy agreed,
"Yes. It's hard to put into words, to explain. I think that's what Kirsten means by he's special. It's hard to remember what our family was like before Ryan, that it's only been seven months. He's become very important to us. Whenever I think of my family, I think of Kirsten, Seth and Ryan."
"I know we're not explaining ourselves very well," Kirsten continued, "We love Ryan. It's that simple. How to explain why is not so simple. Because we do. Because he's Ryan."
Dr. Colefield was actually satisfied with the answers. Textbook answers as to what love is usually meant the person didn't mean it and certainly didn't understand it. The fact that neither Cohen could spout off that textbook answer actually meant something very important.
"And have you tried to explain this to Ryan?" she asked.
"We tried, we think," Sandy said, "Both with words and with our actions, we think. We've tried to get him to understand that we love him, and that he's very important to us."
"But you don't think he believes you?" Dr. Colefield asked.
Kirsten admitted,
"No. We think he keeps waiting for us to disappoint him, to fail him, to abandon him."
"Honestly, he does," Dr. Colefield told them.
"How can we change that?" Sandy asked.
"Just keep telling him, showing him, over and over. He may accept it, believe it eventually." Dr. Colefield explained.
"He may accept it?" Kirsten repeated, "You mean, he may never believe us?"
"Maybe, maybe not," Dr. Colefield explained, "It all depends on Ryan, and how much he wants to be a part of your family"
Sandy didn't want to accept that answer. There had to be more they could do,
"But is there anything else that we can do to help Ryan over come his past and to accept this and us as his life now?"
"What do you know about his past?" Dr. Colefield asked.
"Pretty much what you know," Sandy explained, "I've given you all the information we have. His mother is an alcoholic. She was abusive and had abusive boyfriends. Ryan has admitted that much to us. His father is in prison and has been for a large part of Ryan's life. He has a brother Trey, the one who got Ryan arrested initially. Trey apparently has been trouble for years. Prior arrests, drugs, weapons charges. Right now he's in jail for 3 – 5 years."
"So no history of a stable family?" Dr. Colefield concluded.
"Not that we know of." Kirsten said.
Dr. Colefield nodded and made another note in her file. She told the Cohens,
"Give him time and a lot of love, understanding, and proper discipline. But like I said, it will be up to Ryan. Ultimately, this is all about Ryan. How much help he's willing to accept, how much he believes in you as his family and how much he believes in himself. Right now, he has no self confidence. He doesn't know why you would want him as a part of your family. He doesn't feel worthy. It appears to have been made worse by everything that recently happened. He doesn't believe any one trusts him or believes in him."
"But we've told him over and over," Sandy said, almost pleading, "We believed him when he said there was something wrong with Oliver, but we were upset and angry at his behavior, how he handled the situation. That's what we want to help him with. We want him to learn that there are better ways to handle his anger and his trust issues."
"And that's why you brought him to me?" Dr. Colefield asked.
"Yes," Kirsten told her, "Are you going to be able to help him?"
Dr. Colefield smiled, for the first time since Sandy and Kirsten met with her,
"Yes," she told them, "I think so. I think all of us together will be able to help him. Again, provided Ryan will accept our help. And in my opinion, he will. I think he wants to over come his past. I think he really wants to accept you as his family and be accepted by you. But there are many trust issues that he will need to over come. It won't be easy, but I believe it will be possible."
Kirsten and Sandy were both very relieved to hear this, but Kirsten wanted to know something,
"Dr. Colefield, I need to ask," she said, "why didn't you tell us this when we first came in. Why all the questions, the third degree?"
Dr. Colefield smiled again and admitted,
"You'd be surprised how many foster parents come in and just want me to mold them the perfect child. Many biological parents are the same way. They don't want to take the time or the energy to help, to be part of the solution. They don't see it as a lifetime commitment. They just want a quick fix. I first had to make sure you weren't like that."
"There may be a problem with this life time commitment," Sandy explained, "As much as we want Ryan to be a permanent member of our family, Child Services may have a different opinion."
Dr. Colefield nodded,
"Let me guess, an investigation into Ryan's care is underway."
"Well, sort of," Sandy told her, "An investigation is being started. I have a friend who notified me of the impending investigation."
"I guess being in the PD's office does have its advantages." Dr. Colefield said.
"Not really," Sandy told her, "I know they're starting an investigation, but I can't say or do anything about it."
"Is that why you brought Ryan to me? To help your case?" Dr. Colefield demanded to know. She wasn't happy at the thought that she misjudged these people.
But Sandy told her,
"No. We made the appointment with you before we knew about the investigation. We honestly want what's best for Ryan, and we were told that was you. There isn't much we can do about the investigation. We plan on cooperating fully. But besides that, all we can do is hope and pray that it goes our way."
"And have you told Ryan yet?" Dr. Colefield asked.
This time Kirsten answered,
"No. We wanted to talk to you first. Find out how and when we should tell him. He's been through so much already, and we're worried what his reaction will be. We don't want him to think we're giving up on him. Even if, God Forbid, we lose custody, we want him to know we'll always be there. But we don't know how to explain it to him."
"I was told the investigation wouldn't be starting for at least a week," Sandy explained, "There isn't a Social Worker assigned to the case as of yet."
"Then don't tell Ryan yet." Dr. Colefield explained to him, "We have some time. Ryan needs to work through some other issues right now without adding to his worries. We need to give him as much time as possible. I'd also like to make some calls first. See what I can find out. Whoever is assigned to investigate will want my opinion as Ryan's therapist. Plus I would like to meet with Ryan again. See if he thought about what we discussed yesterday, and see how his week went."
But Sandy asked Dr. Colefield,
"Isn't that going to hurt Ryan's trust issues with us even more when he finds out that we knew about the investigation but didn't tell him right away?"
"Sometimes parents have to decide what's best, whether the child believes it or not," Dr. Colefield explained, "And as Ryan's parents, you are taking his emotional state into consideration. This is what you felt was best for Ryan. When I talk to him, I will explain that to him."
"But you're not going to tell him?" Sandy asked.
Dr. Colefield shook her head and explained,
"No. That will have to come from you. He has to know that you will handle this together as a family."
She then added,
"This may come as a surprise to you, but if you don't lose custody, this will actually make your relationship stronger."
"God, I hope so." Kirsten told her.
"If we don't lose custody," she then repeated, "That's all we think about. Losing custody."
Sandy reached over and gave Kirsten's hand a squeeze. He asked Dr. Colefield,
"If we aren't going to tell Ryan about the investigation, what should we talk to him about? He knows we're here today. He's going to be curious."
"Be honest," Dr. Colefield explained, "Tell him we agreed to continue with his counseling. Tell him what you told me about loving him and wanting to be his parents. Also, tell him about the money you receive as foster parents."
"Money?" Kirsten asked. They had been with Dr. Colefield almost an hour, and now she's bringing up money?
But Dr. Colefield explained,
"Ryan is hooked on the checks you receive as foster parents. In Ryan's mind, it justifies why he really isn't a real member of your family. As long as you get paid to take care of him, you don't really want him."
Kirsten was shocked,
"We didn't even know he knew about the checks!" She said.
Before Dr. Colefield said anything, Sandy answered,
"But we should have. This is Ryan. He misses nothing."
"We are sent that money," Sandy continued, "because that's the way its done, but Dr. Colefield, every one of those checks is deposited into an account in Ryan's name. When he turns 18, we're turning the money over to him. We don't want or need money to love Ryan."
"Well," Dr. Colefield said, "That will go a long way in removing one of the obstacles in Ryan's mind. You need to tell him."
"What else should we talk to him about?" Kirsten asked. "We don't know how far to push him to talk. He's very quiet, and when we push him too far, he completely shuts down and pushes us away."
"Don't push him too hard to open up if he doesn't want to," Dr. Colefield explained, "But don't let him shut everyone out either. Talk, always be there to listen, ask him questions, encourage answers, but don't get upset if his answers are short. Eventually, I believe he will start to come to you more and more when he wants to talk. Just don't expect him to suddenly become out going and gregarious. He may always be quiet. That may just be his nature. Never let him forget that you love him, trust him and will always be there for him."
"Speaking of trust," Sandy brought up, "There is something I'd like to ask you. See, Ryan has become friendly with some kids from his soccer team that Kirsten really doesn't like, and doesn't want Ryan to socialize with."
"Why don't you like them?" Dr. Colefield asked Kirsten
"They've been known to get into some trouble," Kirsten explained, "They gave Ryan a really hard time when he first moved here, plus they've never been very nice to Seth. They're just a group of rich, spoiled kids."
"And Seth is?" Dr. Colefield knew the answer, but wanted Kirsten's response.
"Our other son." She said.
"Well, what does Ryan say about this friendship?" Dr. Colefield asked.
"Not much," Kirsten admitted. "When I told him I didn't want him hanging out with them, he got mad and hasn't said much to me since then."
"Talk to him then," Dr. Colefield told her, "Find out what it is about these kids. Why Ryan wants to be friends with them. It may just be that you don't know them very well. Have they ever been arrested, jailed, any thing like that?"
"Well, not exactly," Sandy explained, "Luke was arrested with Ryan back in August, but it was a huge misunderstanding. All charges were dropped."
"That was the fire you told me about?" Dr. Colefield asked.
When Sandy just nodded, she continued,
"Then ask Ryan. Whatever differences he had with these boys, Ryan was able to work through. That's actually a good thing. It shows that Ryan is able to forgive and move on."
"But Seth says......" Kirsten started to say.
But Dr. Colefield interrupted her,
"Ryan is not Seth, and you can't expect him to be. If Ryan likes these kids, and they aren't going to get him arrested or in any serious trouble, then Ryan should be allowed to make his own friends. It'll help him fit in better, adjust to his new life."
With that Dr. Colefield closed her file and told the Cohens,
"I'd like to talk to you on Monday, on the phone to see how your talk with Ryan went, and how his week went before I meet with him on Tuesday. I will also see what I can find out about the Child Services investigation, and will let you know."
After Kirsten and Sandy left, Dr. Colefield read over her notes. After she was done, she knew that her first reaction to these people was right. They genuinely loved and wanted Ryan. It was not an act. They would truly be surprised to know what convinced Dr. Colefield of this the most. It was when Kirsten Cohen absentmindedly referred to Seth as their "other son." Dr. Colefield was so used to people making huge efforts to say what they thought she wanted to hear. It was those comments they made without thinking that usually told Dr. Colefield what she needed to know. And she knew Kirsten Cohen saw both Ryan and Seth as her sons.
Knowing that, Dr. Colefield picked up the phone to call over to Child Services to see who she needed to talk to in order to help insure that Ryan stayed with the Cohens permanently.