I must comply with laws of royalties and create a disclaimer, ok, I
announce that I do not own Rayearth, I do own the plot story line and most
to do with that, oh, and I do not own the song I am using in this chapter.
NOTE: Caldina will be very OOC (out of character) in the rest of this fan fiction, and most of the others will be the same.
The Curse of Love: Chapter 2
It's easier to go replacing this pain with something more
It's so much easer to go, then face all this pain here all alone,
'Smile and nod, just smile and nod,' I told myself as I listened to Ascot go on about how beautiful she is, I can't stand her name! I envy her so, I wish that for just one day I could know what it felt like to have the one that you love gush over you to someone else, I wish I was as pretty as her.
Something has been taken from deep inside of me, a secret I've kept locked
away no one can ever see, wounds so deep they never show, they never go away, like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played
"—and Umi looks just like a—huh? Caldina? Caldina? Are you listening? Hello?" I looked up and saw a worried expression on Ascot's face, my heart just about floated away, "were you even listening to what I was saying?" I shook my head calmly, and truthfully, I could never lie to Ascot!
If I could change, I would
Take back the pain I would retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave
"Sorry Ascot, I was thinking," before he could ask what I was thinking about, I changed the subject, not that it mattered, when he was thinking about her he never had time to think of anything else, "how was the beach with the others last weekend, you never did say anything about it?"
If I could change, I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I mad I would
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would
I would take all my shame to the grave
He looked at me with a blush on his face and a goofy smile played across his lips, "well, I'd rather not say..." which implied that he was looking at her in a bikini. I couldn't stand it! It wasn't fair! Why couldn't he think about me? I mumbled something along the lines of, 'my head hurts, I'm going to go lay down,' and walked upstairs running into the one person that I did not want to see, Umi.
It's easier to go replacing this pain with something more
It's so much easer to go, then face all this pain here all alone,
Umi smiled, "hi Caldina, I was on my way to find you! Do you want to go out to the market with me? Clef says that I shouldn't go alone, so I wanted you to go with me, is that okay?" wow, this girl talks a mile a minute!
I shook my head, "no thanks," I couldn't say her name, "I don't fell too well," that should get her away!
"That's too bad, another time then? Hey! Maybe tomorrow? That sounds good we'll go then, ok? Good," that sounded too final, I looked at her oddly, as she descended the remainder of the stairs.
Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past, bringing back these
memories I wish I didn't have, sometimes I think of letting go and
never looking back, and never looking forward so they'll never be a
past
Later as I lay in bed all that I could think of was Ascot and her, she had no clue how lucky she was, nearly every man in Cefero was drooling over her, but that wasn't enough, no she had to get Clef to fall for her as Ascot had, she didn't care that Ascot was in—NO! I can't say it! I won't, it hurts too much. Perhaps, yes, perhaps this may help.
If I could change, I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave
I got up and walked over to my vanity, there was the knife that Lafarga had given me; before he had cheated on me with some whore at a local tavern two years ago. I picked it up, brought it to my arm and smiled, I dug it slowly into my right arm—not my vein, just my arm—it hurt, but not nearly as badly as it hurt to see Ascot and her. I switched to my other arm, this time I made small cuts down my arm, a deep one on my shoulder. I then walked into the bathroom and turned on the water; making it scalding hot, I undressed and climbed in. I hissed, it was painful still but it washed away all the blood stopping my bleeding. After my shower, I got into a long-sleeve shirt and I pair of pants, and then went out of my room and down the stairs to dinner.
If I could change, I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I mad I would
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would
I would take all my shame to the grave
~~~~~
I walked into the dining room and it became quiet, it was obvious that they were talking about me; I sat at my normal place at the table, next to Clef; at the end of the table; and Hikaru. I filled my plate and ate silently, not meeting anyone's gaze, until, "Caldina, what's wrong?" Hikaru's voice rang out in the dining hall.
I shook my head, "nothing's wrong Hikaru, why do you ask?" the look on her face stated that she knew that I was lying but she also knew that I did not want to be bothered, so she smiled weakly, gave me a pat on the back and continued eating.
Once I finished eating I got up to leave, when I heard Clef say, "Caldina, remain here for a moment longer, I must speak to you," I sighed and nodded, sitting back down in my place.
After about five minutes Clef finished eating and took me upstairs to his study, opening the door he said, "Caldina, tell me what is wrong, it won't leave this room, I swear, no matter what it is."
Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
Is so much simpler then changing
I shook my head again, "it's nothing really—"
"Caldina, it isn't nothing, it can't passed off as nothing, you don't speak to people anymore, you hardy eat, I have to wonder if it has anything to do with Laf—"
"NO! Don't you even say his name! It has absolutely NOTHING to do with him; I don't want to think about him at all!"
It's easier to go replacing this pain with something more
It's so much easer to go, then face all this pain here all alone,
"Well then, if it has nothing to do with him then tell me what it does have to do with."
Damn, he got me, "it has to do with Ascot, okay?"
He looked surprised, "did Ascot do something to you?"
"No, he didn't do anything," then I added almost silently, "anything but fall in love with Umi."
"I think I understand; you are in love with Ascot, am I right?" I saw something flash across his face; sadness.
"NO! I am NOT in love with him!" I panicked.
"Yes you are, don't deny it, Caldina."
It's easier to go
If I could change, I would take back the pain I would,
Retrace every wrong move that I made
"FINE!" I stomped out of the room, heading down the hall towards my room, slamming the door I locked it, I then walked to my vanity picking up the knife that I had carelessly flung into it's sheathe. Once again I caused myself the pain and misery that has been going though me for the past two years, the betrayal that I felt when Lafarga got home that one day, the day that ruined my life.
*Flash Back*
"Lafarga? Where could he be?" I asked myself after searching the whole tavern. We went there to celebrate out anniversary, four years ago today was the day we met, the best day ever.
As I walked home a heard some whores swooning over someone, I didn't think much of it, so I went home. I asked around the palace if they had seen Lafarga but they just shook their head, a few girls blushed and shook their heads clueless, but once again, I didn't really take note, not until later when he came home.
It's easier to go
If I could change, I would take back the pain I would,
Retrace every wrong move that I made
When he walked through the door, I smiled, for his back was turned, but my smile soon disappeared when he turned around, he had a whore so deep into a lip lock that he didn't even take any notice of me whatsoever. He dragged the girl up into a room—mine I realized later—and I followed as if waiting for him to take her out of the lock and tell me, 'surprise! April fools day!' but he never did, he just made out with her, in front of me, for I was in shock; unable to move from my place in the corner near my dresser. I watched, as if helpless, as he eagerly pulled of her clothing, and then his own, soon my eyes were too blinded by my tears to see anything else so I closed my eyes listening to the loud moans of pleasure coming from the bed. The bad that I could no longer call my own, I cried more as I opened my eyes to see him give her money, more then likely the money that I had given him before heading off to the bathroom, he said he was going to buy something extra special for us later. That's when I heard him say, "Same time tomorrow, May?" I saw her nod and dress slowly as she still made out with Lafarga.
*End Flash Back*
The knife dug deeper into my skin as I remembered it all, as I remembered how Ascot comforted me, I felt better, well until Umi came back anyway.
It's easier to go,
If I could change, I would
Take back the pain I would,
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
I would take all my shame to the grave
~~~~~~
The next morning I walked down the street to the same tavern, I walked inside, "give me your strongest Mr." the man behind the counter nodded, filled a glass, a small one, I shook my head and pointed to a pint- sized one, wordlessly. I saw his surprise and before he could ask I glared at him, again pointing to the pint-sized glass, this time he complied, "thanks Mr." I then added to myself, "well, this would be seven years, wouldn't it, Lafarga?" I took a swig, long and deep, I chugged it, down it went, one sip and it was gone, I handed it to the bartender again, and he refilled it and went to help another customer, as I sat drowning my miseries in brandy.
I spent the day this way, until the bartender decided to shove a stick up his ass and say that they were out of what I was drinking, I knew they had more, the guy next to me just ordered—and received—that drink! Never the less I walked back home to the castle, running into Umi on the way inside.
"Oh thank Selece! We couldn't find you anywhere! I swear, you had us so worried! I told them that you would have a good reason for being gone all day, I mean you really wanted to go on our shopping excursion today and—"
"No Umi, I didn't actually," I hiccupped, "you decided who, what," hiccup, "when, and where, I never," hiccup, "agreed to it." She looked shocked as I walked upstairs into my room, my sanctuary and slammed the door; hard and loud.
I moved quickly to my vanity, picked up the knife, slicing my arms once more, I hit the vein; slicing up my arm where the vein was located, I knew that my time would now be limited. Next, I walked into the bathroom, connected to my room, and pulled out a bottle of sleeping pills, I took a handful and, with water, swallowed them, I believe there were around twenty or so in the bottle, after all, it was a sample pack. I took most of the contents of the bottle, maybe fifteen; I lay down on my bed falling into a deep sleep—hopefully one from which I would never rouse.
~*~*~*~*~*~ WOW! This chapter was long, oh well; don't expect it all the time, after all, this was a cliffhanger.
Note: I'd like to add that I am not suicidal nor do I cut myself, I just had an idea to write this, if you have any comments then please review, I'd like to hear them. Flames will be accepted and appreciated, perhaps even used to improve my story.
Thank you to anyone who may have reviewed already. To those whom like my story: I am glad you like it, and in this chapter you will see why it was put into the tragedy section.
-DeathPixie
NOTE: Caldina will be very OOC (out of character) in the rest of this fan fiction, and most of the others will be the same.
The Curse of Love: Chapter 2
It's easier to go replacing this pain with something more
It's so much easer to go, then face all this pain here all alone,
'Smile and nod, just smile and nod,' I told myself as I listened to Ascot go on about how beautiful she is, I can't stand her name! I envy her so, I wish that for just one day I could know what it felt like to have the one that you love gush over you to someone else, I wish I was as pretty as her.
Something has been taken from deep inside of me, a secret I've kept locked
away no one can ever see, wounds so deep they never show, they never go away, like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played
"—and Umi looks just like a—huh? Caldina? Caldina? Are you listening? Hello?" I looked up and saw a worried expression on Ascot's face, my heart just about floated away, "were you even listening to what I was saying?" I shook my head calmly, and truthfully, I could never lie to Ascot!
If I could change, I would
Take back the pain I would retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave
"Sorry Ascot, I was thinking," before he could ask what I was thinking about, I changed the subject, not that it mattered, when he was thinking about her he never had time to think of anything else, "how was the beach with the others last weekend, you never did say anything about it?"
If I could change, I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I mad I would
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would
I would take all my shame to the grave
He looked at me with a blush on his face and a goofy smile played across his lips, "well, I'd rather not say..." which implied that he was looking at her in a bikini. I couldn't stand it! It wasn't fair! Why couldn't he think about me? I mumbled something along the lines of, 'my head hurts, I'm going to go lay down,' and walked upstairs running into the one person that I did not want to see, Umi.
It's easier to go replacing this pain with something more
It's so much easer to go, then face all this pain here all alone,
Umi smiled, "hi Caldina, I was on my way to find you! Do you want to go out to the market with me? Clef says that I shouldn't go alone, so I wanted you to go with me, is that okay?" wow, this girl talks a mile a minute!
I shook my head, "no thanks," I couldn't say her name, "I don't fell too well," that should get her away!
"That's too bad, another time then? Hey! Maybe tomorrow? That sounds good we'll go then, ok? Good," that sounded too final, I looked at her oddly, as she descended the remainder of the stairs.
Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past, bringing back these
memories I wish I didn't have, sometimes I think of letting go and
never looking back, and never looking forward so they'll never be a
past
Later as I lay in bed all that I could think of was Ascot and her, she had no clue how lucky she was, nearly every man in Cefero was drooling over her, but that wasn't enough, no she had to get Clef to fall for her as Ascot had, she didn't care that Ascot was in—NO! I can't say it! I won't, it hurts too much. Perhaps, yes, perhaps this may help.
If I could change, I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave
I got up and walked over to my vanity, there was the knife that Lafarga had given me; before he had cheated on me with some whore at a local tavern two years ago. I picked it up, brought it to my arm and smiled, I dug it slowly into my right arm—not my vein, just my arm—it hurt, but not nearly as badly as it hurt to see Ascot and her. I switched to my other arm, this time I made small cuts down my arm, a deep one on my shoulder. I then walked into the bathroom and turned on the water; making it scalding hot, I undressed and climbed in. I hissed, it was painful still but it washed away all the blood stopping my bleeding. After my shower, I got into a long-sleeve shirt and I pair of pants, and then went out of my room and down the stairs to dinner.
If I could change, I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I mad I would
If I could stand up and take the blame, I would
I would take all my shame to the grave
~~~~~
I walked into the dining room and it became quiet, it was obvious that they were talking about me; I sat at my normal place at the table, next to Clef; at the end of the table; and Hikaru. I filled my plate and ate silently, not meeting anyone's gaze, until, "Caldina, what's wrong?" Hikaru's voice rang out in the dining hall.
I shook my head, "nothing's wrong Hikaru, why do you ask?" the look on her face stated that she knew that I was lying but she also knew that I did not want to be bothered, so she smiled weakly, gave me a pat on the back and continued eating.
Once I finished eating I got up to leave, when I heard Clef say, "Caldina, remain here for a moment longer, I must speak to you," I sighed and nodded, sitting back down in my place.
After about five minutes Clef finished eating and took me upstairs to his study, opening the door he said, "Caldina, tell me what is wrong, it won't leave this room, I swear, no matter what it is."
Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
Is so much simpler then changing
I shook my head again, "it's nothing really—"
"Caldina, it isn't nothing, it can't passed off as nothing, you don't speak to people anymore, you hardy eat, I have to wonder if it has anything to do with Laf—"
"NO! Don't you even say his name! It has absolutely NOTHING to do with him; I don't want to think about him at all!"
It's easier to go replacing this pain with something more
It's so much easer to go, then face all this pain here all alone,
"Well then, if it has nothing to do with him then tell me what it does have to do with."
Damn, he got me, "it has to do with Ascot, okay?"
He looked surprised, "did Ascot do something to you?"
"No, he didn't do anything," then I added almost silently, "anything but fall in love with Umi."
"I think I understand; you are in love with Ascot, am I right?" I saw something flash across his face; sadness.
"NO! I am NOT in love with him!" I panicked.
"Yes you are, don't deny it, Caldina."
It's easier to go
If I could change, I would take back the pain I would,
Retrace every wrong move that I made
"FINE!" I stomped out of the room, heading down the hall towards my room, slamming the door I locked it, I then walked to my vanity picking up the knife that I had carelessly flung into it's sheathe. Once again I caused myself the pain and misery that has been going though me for the past two years, the betrayal that I felt when Lafarga got home that one day, the day that ruined my life.
*Flash Back*
"Lafarga? Where could he be?" I asked myself after searching the whole tavern. We went there to celebrate out anniversary, four years ago today was the day we met, the best day ever.
As I walked home a heard some whores swooning over someone, I didn't think much of it, so I went home. I asked around the palace if they had seen Lafarga but they just shook their head, a few girls blushed and shook their heads clueless, but once again, I didn't really take note, not until later when he came home.
It's easier to go
If I could change, I would take back the pain I would,
Retrace every wrong move that I made
When he walked through the door, I smiled, for his back was turned, but my smile soon disappeared when he turned around, he had a whore so deep into a lip lock that he didn't even take any notice of me whatsoever. He dragged the girl up into a room—mine I realized later—and I followed as if waiting for him to take her out of the lock and tell me, 'surprise! April fools day!' but he never did, he just made out with her, in front of me, for I was in shock; unable to move from my place in the corner near my dresser. I watched, as if helpless, as he eagerly pulled of her clothing, and then his own, soon my eyes were too blinded by my tears to see anything else so I closed my eyes listening to the loud moans of pleasure coming from the bed. The bad that I could no longer call my own, I cried more as I opened my eyes to see him give her money, more then likely the money that I had given him before heading off to the bathroom, he said he was going to buy something extra special for us later. That's when I heard him say, "Same time tomorrow, May?" I saw her nod and dress slowly as she still made out with Lafarga.
*End Flash Back*
The knife dug deeper into my skin as I remembered it all, as I remembered how Ascot comforted me, I felt better, well until Umi came back anyway.
It's easier to go,
If I could change, I would
Take back the pain I would,
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
I would take all my shame to the grave
~~~~~~
The next morning I walked down the street to the same tavern, I walked inside, "give me your strongest Mr." the man behind the counter nodded, filled a glass, a small one, I shook my head and pointed to a pint- sized one, wordlessly. I saw his surprise and before he could ask I glared at him, again pointing to the pint-sized glass, this time he complied, "thanks Mr." I then added to myself, "well, this would be seven years, wouldn't it, Lafarga?" I took a swig, long and deep, I chugged it, down it went, one sip and it was gone, I handed it to the bartender again, and he refilled it and went to help another customer, as I sat drowning my miseries in brandy.
I spent the day this way, until the bartender decided to shove a stick up his ass and say that they were out of what I was drinking, I knew they had more, the guy next to me just ordered—and received—that drink! Never the less I walked back home to the castle, running into Umi on the way inside.
"Oh thank Selece! We couldn't find you anywhere! I swear, you had us so worried! I told them that you would have a good reason for being gone all day, I mean you really wanted to go on our shopping excursion today and—"
"No Umi, I didn't actually," I hiccupped, "you decided who, what," hiccup, "when, and where, I never," hiccup, "agreed to it." She looked shocked as I walked upstairs into my room, my sanctuary and slammed the door; hard and loud.
I moved quickly to my vanity, picked up the knife, slicing my arms once more, I hit the vein; slicing up my arm where the vein was located, I knew that my time would now be limited. Next, I walked into the bathroom, connected to my room, and pulled out a bottle of sleeping pills, I took a handful and, with water, swallowed them, I believe there were around twenty or so in the bottle, after all, it was a sample pack. I took most of the contents of the bottle, maybe fifteen; I lay down on my bed falling into a deep sleep—hopefully one from which I would never rouse.
~*~*~*~*~*~ WOW! This chapter was long, oh well; don't expect it all the time, after all, this was a cliffhanger.
Note: I'd like to add that I am not suicidal nor do I cut myself, I just had an idea to write this, if you have any comments then please review, I'd like to hear them. Flames will be accepted and appreciated, perhaps even used to improve my story.
Thank you to anyone who may have reviewed already. To those whom like my story: I am glad you like it, and in this chapter you will see why it was put into the tragedy section.
-DeathPixie