The moonlight streamed in through the tattered curtains back at that
bedroom in the house in the countryside. It cast a gentle blue haze over
the things in its pathway, highlighting the two bodies lying on the bed
side by side.
Ram was lying on his back, propped up against the headboard where pillows rested behind his back. He was watching the boy next to him carefully, who was lying on his stomach and had his ankles hooked and raised up like a kid. It pained him that Lex was completely on edge now, flinching and tensing, and it had only been a few hours since the whole...incident.
Lex felt just as pained. Still unable to believe the new side he saw to Ram that night, and how much it had scared him. He just wanted things to be like how they had been that morning, but he knew they couldn't. Things had been said, and done. And as much as he wished so hard that things could be alright between him and Ram, that fear was still clear in his mind and heart, and he felt that maybe that fear would never completely go away. In some way he felt he had to desperately work hard now to please Ram and not anger him. Sure Ram had promised he'd never do anything like that again, but those kinds of promises had lost their meaning to Lex a long time ago.
"I don't understand how you could just...let it go like that" Ram spoke quietly, yet it seemed to break the loud silence in the room. "I mean, after what I'd just done and you want to act like everything was...like it hadn't happened... don't you hate me for it?" in a way he wanted Lex to, he deserved it.
Lex tilted his head as he looked up at Ram, and moonlight glinted off the dark marble like orbs. Ram couldn't help but look at the dark bruise on Lex's face. Lex glanced away momentarily as he took a moment before answering "You were upset. You didn't mean it". But to Ram it sounded like the boy was trying to convince himself.
"What I did was terrible! You should want to desperately get away from me, you should hate me, and you should want to kill me for what I did. But instead you just..." Ram shook his head. "And look at you. You're terrified. You flinch and you're tense whenever I make any sudden movements or am near you"
Lex chewed on his lip and looked down as he picked at his thumb nail and fidgeted. "When...wh-when I was a kid, my dad, um, he used to...used to hit me" he admitted quietly. Ram felt a crush in his heart and the pieces sinking inside him, as he thought shit, I've really messed things up. Lex bit his lip as all he got was silence and Ram continued to watch him, so he continued. "He did, terrible things, but...it wasn't his fault, because he'd just, he got stressed out sometimes, with work and stuff, and sometimes I, well it was my fault, I'd do something to make him mad" Lex rambled -
"How can you make excuses for what he did?" Ram cut in snapping. "No-one should hit their kid! Stressed or not, there's no excuse for it, and its not your fault! Don't ever blame yourself, blame that bastard!"
"But, you weren't there, I... I fuck things up all the time, I don't mean to, but it always happens, so I'm used to you know, the, the consequences and so I'm just saying I don't...mind if you get mad its not your fault"-
"You do" Ram sat up and shifted closer to Lex. "You do mind Lex, you got so hysterical and like I said, look how you react to me now... You're always trying to please the ones who you think will hurt you the most because you're scared. Like me, you're scared of me"
"I'm, I'm not scared of you" Lex muttered.
Ram moved and Lex flinched, so Ram cast him a knowing look. "Lex, you were begging for me to stop and not hurt you...you jump at everything and have this wild scared look in your eyes...so don't lie to me. I did this to you, I've made you like this"
"I'm sorry"-
"Don't apologise!" Ram snapped annoyed and Lex blushed and looked away. "I should be the one apologising"-
"You don't have to"-
"Stop it! Stop trying to make excuses and trying to pretend things are fine when they're not. Christ Lex, things haven't been really fine between us from the whole start of this"
Lex swallowed and looked up with wide nervous eyes. "You regret it all?"
Ram sighed, "No" he slowly reached out a hand, pretending not to notice Lex's flinch when he began to stroke his long raven hair, "Not about the us bit...but the, the some things I've done and said, which I probably shouldn't have. I should've probably started it different and then things may be different now"
Lex licked his lips, "If you'd been great from the start then I would've been scared" he blushed at the look Ram gave him, "I mean, I don't mind you being all in control and stuff, it's just how you are and its..nice" he fidgeted while blushing madly for a long moment then suddenly looked up at Ram questioningly, "did you intend to get with me? I mean, like, wanted to..." he trailed off guessing he was making no sense.
Ram got the drift though and gave a short nod. "You were always going to end up mine in the end" he grinned then stopped. "I mean...when I saw you I knew I had to have you" he thought well that didn't make it sound better.
Lex gave a small smile, "ah, lust at first sight?"
"Something like that" Ram sighed, continuing to run his hand over Lex's hair.
"So you do care then?" Lex asked hesitantly.
Ram paused. "Would I be feeling this guilty and disgusted with myself if I didn't?" he raised an eyebrow. "I didn't mean it when I said I didn't care. Of course I do. I care about all things precious to me"
Lex smiled, "well that's enough for me"
"Is it?" Ram raised an eyebrow. He sighed and sat back, leaning against the headboard again. "You've had enough abuse in your life Lex, do you really need this as well? You're really looking for some kind of love and"-
"I have you" Lex cut in and sat up. "And I'm yours. That's what, that's what matters. You seemed pretty certain of that before" he slowly moved up the bed, as if scared Ram might lash out suddenly again, as he cautiously knelt by Ram's side on the bed.
"But Lex, I hit you! I hit you and was going to.." Ram choked and glanced away, sickened by the quick flashback scene in front of his eyes, Lex sobbing, bleeding and bruised, begging for him to stop.
"Forget about it"
"I can't! You can't!" Ram snapped and Lex flinched back slightly with a frown.
"Please? I don't want to talk about all this stuff" Lex asked and bit his lip.
Ram looked over at him and sighed. He guessed if he did continue to 'argue' with the boy and keep going on about the issue, it would only upset Lex more, and he was already near paranoid and traumatised enough as it was. "If that's what you want" he shrugged.
Lex nodded and looked down as he continued to fidget with his hands on his lap.
"Do you want a hug?" Ram asked raising an eyebrow and moving his arm sensing that was what Lex would want. Lex blinked up and gave a small nod and smile before cautiously sliding over and rested his face on Ram's chest and placed his arm across his stomach. Ram let out a soft sigh as he placed his arm around Lex and stroked the boys tanned arm gently with his other hand. "We should get some sleep soon, it's been a damn long and dramatic day" he said, thinking it was understatement of the year.
"Ram?" Lex spoke very quietly and hesitantly almost in a whisper.
"Hmm?"
Lex glanced away nervously then shifted so he could make some kind of eye contact with Ram. "Can we go back to the city?"
Ram blinked, "what?"
"I don't mean now, but...sometime, soon... the last time the mallrat's saw me I was off to find you and kick your ass. Which I did, and then you spanked mine" he blushed, "and things have happened...so..." Lex trailed off.
"What? You want us to go back so you can say 'hi guys, you'll never believe who's my new fuck buddy!'?" Ram said.
"No!" Lex bit his lip to try hide the smile forming from that imagery. "I've been gone a while, some of them have probably noticed by now and might be wondering if I'm dead or not"
"Would it be so bad if they did?" Ram asked and saw Lex's expression, "I don't mean they'd like the idea of you dead, I mean up until earlier our little sexcapades out of the city have been fun, do we really have a good reason to go back?"
"Sex in the city can be fun too" Lex smirked.
Ram grinned back. "Yes, but murdering Ram in the city isn't quite so fun" he said petting Lex, "do you really think they'll just let me walk into the mall casually and accept me, or accept our whole thing?"
"Ah, no" Lex admitted, "but we don't have to tell them straight away, if you want I mean, it's not like it's their business anyway"
"But they will have a problem with two psychos shacked up in the mall in the same bed.... But you're right that they don't necessarily have to know much. They might start suspecting something though if certain noises are ringing throughout the mall, and the girls start wondering where their underwear is going"-
"RAM!" Lex hit him in the chest, "that's disgusting! Oh god, eww, I don't want to be thinking of that, have you seen the female mallrats?! Imagery, not good"
Ram laughed at Lex's reaction. "Well hopefully that's enough incentive to keep you being a good boy for a while" he kissed Lex on the forehead.
"It's more than enough, really" Lex muttered.
Ram sighed and smiled lazily, "so you really want to go back to the city, and the mall then?"
"As..interesting, as it is being alone with you, I'll have to go back sometime. In some weird way I miss the mall and the people there, I miss the arguments, and Salene makes great sandwiches"
Ram grinned "well...if that's what you want, and you're really sure about it. We'll go back when you want to. But we're going to have to be prepared for some hostility and wild times. They're not going to like this"
"Like I care" Lex shrugged, "if they don't like it, we'll leave"
"Really?" Ram raised an eyebrow. "You'd leave with me?"
"No, I'll ditch you for Jack, we'll elope and join the circus" Lex rolled his eyes.
Ram's eyebrows raised, "I'm really going to assume that was sarcasm boy" he ran his hands down Lex's back, "And you wouldn't dare ditch me. It's pretty hard to run away when you're all chained up"
Lex's mouth picked up at the corners into a smile that had faint traces of nerves. "Oh? But you can't keep me chained up forever"
"True...I'm sure I can find a collar and leash from somewhere"
Lex's eyebrows shot up, "But, but that's impractical!" he blushed.
Ram laughed, "how so?"
"What about when we need to take baths together?"
Ram smirked and Lex's blush deepened. "Oh together? You liked that then, even after all that bitching and whining like a petulant child"
"Well I wasn't particularly horny at the time" Lex muttered.
"Could have fooled me" Ram chuckled.
"No Ram, that was you who was all turned on and ready to go"
"Would you have complained?" Ram raised an eyebrow. "Keep up with this cheeky banter boy and I might just have to" He stopped himself and suddenly frowned sitting up more.
"What?" Lex asked nervously sitting up too, eyes flickering with worry.
"This. This kind of talk isn't right, not after what happened, and what I did" Ram looked away.
"Ram" Lex sighed, "It's alright. We're just messing around, having some fun, its no harm"
"We should be getting to sleep now anyway" Ram said, hedging the issue.
"Ram I want things to go back to normal, I thought you did too. We always used to talk like that before, it's just a bit of fun" Lex whined.
"Bed" Ram stated, shifting away from Lex and grabbing the sheets he'd laid down at the end of the bed and began to unfold and spread them.
"Ram"-
"Fine, go into bed for sleep now or act like a brat about it and be punished like one" Ram said shifting back and re-arranging the pillows.
Lex pursed his lips and glanced away. I've annoyed him again he thought, I always fuck things up, the important things.
Ram glanced over at Lex, "well what are you waiting for? For me to scream at you, maybe force you down onto the bed before"- he stopped and swallowed, feeling guilty immediately and frowning at Lex's hurt expression. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that, I shouldn't have, sorry" Ram mumbled.
"It's fine. I'm sorry, you're right. Sleep now" Lex gave a small nod and had this childish look on his face, almost like a sorry child as he lay down and shifted under the covers.
Ram sighed and shifted to lie down under the covers too before reaching over to Lex. Lex flinched away with a gasp from the sudden contact on his arm.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you" Ram whispered moving closer to Lex, "I just thought you might want..." he trailed off. A moment later Lex was pressed up against him in close embrace, before shifting to get into a more comfortable sleeping position with Ram.
"Things will be alright Lex" Ram whispered, pressing a kiss to the side of Lex's face.
Ram was lying on his back, propped up against the headboard where pillows rested behind his back. He was watching the boy next to him carefully, who was lying on his stomach and had his ankles hooked and raised up like a kid. It pained him that Lex was completely on edge now, flinching and tensing, and it had only been a few hours since the whole...incident.
Lex felt just as pained. Still unable to believe the new side he saw to Ram that night, and how much it had scared him. He just wanted things to be like how they had been that morning, but he knew they couldn't. Things had been said, and done. And as much as he wished so hard that things could be alright between him and Ram, that fear was still clear in his mind and heart, and he felt that maybe that fear would never completely go away. In some way he felt he had to desperately work hard now to please Ram and not anger him. Sure Ram had promised he'd never do anything like that again, but those kinds of promises had lost their meaning to Lex a long time ago.
"I don't understand how you could just...let it go like that" Ram spoke quietly, yet it seemed to break the loud silence in the room. "I mean, after what I'd just done and you want to act like everything was...like it hadn't happened... don't you hate me for it?" in a way he wanted Lex to, he deserved it.
Lex tilted his head as he looked up at Ram, and moonlight glinted off the dark marble like orbs. Ram couldn't help but look at the dark bruise on Lex's face. Lex glanced away momentarily as he took a moment before answering "You were upset. You didn't mean it". But to Ram it sounded like the boy was trying to convince himself.
"What I did was terrible! You should want to desperately get away from me, you should hate me, and you should want to kill me for what I did. But instead you just..." Ram shook his head. "And look at you. You're terrified. You flinch and you're tense whenever I make any sudden movements or am near you"
Lex chewed on his lip and looked down as he picked at his thumb nail and fidgeted. "When...wh-when I was a kid, my dad, um, he used to...used to hit me" he admitted quietly. Ram felt a crush in his heart and the pieces sinking inside him, as he thought shit, I've really messed things up. Lex bit his lip as all he got was silence and Ram continued to watch him, so he continued. "He did, terrible things, but...it wasn't his fault, because he'd just, he got stressed out sometimes, with work and stuff, and sometimes I, well it was my fault, I'd do something to make him mad" Lex rambled -
"How can you make excuses for what he did?" Ram cut in snapping. "No-one should hit their kid! Stressed or not, there's no excuse for it, and its not your fault! Don't ever blame yourself, blame that bastard!"
"But, you weren't there, I... I fuck things up all the time, I don't mean to, but it always happens, so I'm used to you know, the, the consequences and so I'm just saying I don't...mind if you get mad its not your fault"-
"You do" Ram sat up and shifted closer to Lex. "You do mind Lex, you got so hysterical and like I said, look how you react to me now... You're always trying to please the ones who you think will hurt you the most because you're scared. Like me, you're scared of me"
"I'm, I'm not scared of you" Lex muttered.
Ram moved and Lex flinched, so Ram cast him a knowing look. "Lex, you were begging for me to stop and not hurt you...you jump at everything and have this wild scared look in your eyes...so don't lie to me. I did this to you, I've made you like this"
"I'm sorry"-
"Don't apologise!" Ram snapped annoyed and Lex blushed and looked away. "I should be the one apologising"-
"You don't have to"-
"Stop it! Stop trying to make excuses and trying to pretend things are fine when they're not. Christ Lex, things haven't been really fine between us from the whole start of this"
Lex swallowed and looked up with wide nervous eyes. "You regret it all?"
Ram sighed, "No" he slowly reached out a hand, pretending not to notice Lex's flinch when he began to stroke his long raven hair, "Not about the us bit...but the, the some things I've done and said, which I probably shouldn't have. I should've probably started it different and then things may be different now"
Lex licked his lips, "If you'd been great from the start then I would've been scared" he blushed at the look Ram gave him, "I mean, I don't mind you being all in control and stuff, it's just how you are and its..nice" he fidgeted while blushing madly for a long moment then suddenly looked up at Ram questioningly, "did you intend to get with me? I mean, like, wanted to..." he trailed off guessing he was making no sense.
Ram got the drift though and gave a short nod. "You were always going to end up mine in the end" he grinned then stopped. "I mean...when I saw you I knew I had to have you" he thought well that didn't make it sound better.
Lex gave a small smile, "ah, lust at first sight?"
"Something like that" Ram sighed, continuing to run his hand over Lex's hair.
"So you do care then?" Lex asked hesitantly.
Ram paused. "Would I be feeling this guilty and disgusted with myself if I didn't?" he raised an eyebrow. "I didn't mean it when I said I didn't care. Of course I do. I care about all things precious to me"
Lex smiled, "well that's enough for me"
"Is it?" Ram raised an eyebrow. He sighed and sat back, leaning against the headboard again. "You've had enough abuse in your life Lex, do you really need this as well? You're really looking for some kind of love and"-
"I have you" Lex cut in and sat up. "And I'm yours. That's what, that's what matters. You seemed pretty certain of that before" he slowly moved up the bed, as if scared Ram might lash out suddenly again, as he cautiously knelt by Ram's side on the bed.
"But Lex, I hit you! I hit you and was going to.." Ram choked and glanced away, sickened by the quick flashback scene in front of his eyes, Lex sobbing, bleeding and bruised, begging for him to stop.
"Forget about it"
"I can't! You can't!" Ram snapped and Lex flinched back slightly with a frown.
"Please? I don't want to talk about all this stuff" Lex asked and bit his lip.
Ram looked over at him and sighed. He guessed if he did continue to 'argue' with the boy and keep going on about the issue, it would only upset Lex more, and he was already near paranoid and traumatised enough as it was. "If that's what you want" he shrugged.
Lex nodded and looked down as he continued to fidget with his hands on his lap.
"Do you want a hug?" Ram asked raising an eyebrow and moving his arm sensing that was what Lex would want. Lex blinked up and gave a small nod and smile before cautiously sliding over and rested his face on Ram's chest and placed his arm across his stomach. Ram let out a soft sigh as he placed his arm around Lex and stroked the boys tanned arm gently with his other hand. "We should get some sleep soon, it's been a damn long and dramatic day" he said, thinking it was understatement of the year.
"Ram?" Lex spoke very quietly and hesitantly almost in a whisper.
"Hmm?"
Lex glanced away nervously then shifted so he could make some kind of eye contact with Ram. "Can we go back to the city?"
Ram blinked, "what?"
"I don't mean now, but...sometime, soon... the last time the mallrat's saw me I was off to find you and kick your ass. Which I did, and then you spanked mine" he blushed, "and things have happened...so..." Lex trailed off.
"What? You want us to go back so you can say 'hi guys, you'll never believe who's my new fuck buddy!'?" Ram said.
"No!" Lex bit his lip to try hide the smile forming from that imagery. "I've been gone a while, some of them have probably noticed by now and might be wondering if I'm dead or not"
"Would it be so bad if they did?" Ram asked and saw Lex's expression, "I don't mean they'd like the idea of you dead, I mean up until earlier our little sexcapades out of the city have been fun, do we really have a good reason to go back?"
"Sex in the city can be fun too" Lex smirked.
Ram grinned back. "Yes, but murdering Ram in the city isn't quite so fun" he said petting Lex, "do you really think they'll just let me walk into the mall casually and accept me, or accept our whole thing?"
"Ah, no" Lex admitted, "but we don't have to tell them straight away, if you want I mean, it's not like it's their business anyway"
"But they will have a problem with two psychos shacked up in the mall in the same bed.... But you're right that they don't necessarily have to know much. They might start suspecting something though if certain noises are ringing throughout the mall, and the girls start wondering where their underwear is going"-
"RAM!" Lex hit him in the chest, "that's disgusting! Oh god, eww, I don't want to be thinking of that, have you seen the female mallrats?! Imagery, not good"
Ram laughed at Lex's reaction. "Well hopefully that's enough incentive to keep you being a good boy for a while" he kissed Lex on the forehead.
"It's more than enough, really" Lex muttered.
Ram sighed and smiled lazily, "so you really want to go back to the city, and the mall then?"
"As..interesting, as it is being alone with you, I'll have to go back sometime. In some weird way I miss the mall and the people there, I miss the arguments, and Salene makes great sandwiches"
Ram grinned "well...if that's what you want, and you're really sure about it. We'll go back when you want to. But we're going to have to be prepared for some hostility and wild times. They're not going to like this"
"Like I care" Lex shrugged, "if they don't like it, we'll leave"
"Really?" Ram raised an eyebrow. "You'd leave with me?"
"No, I'll ditch you for Jack, we'll elope and join the circus" Lex rolled his eyes.
Ram's eyebrows raised, "I'm really going to assume that was sarcasm boy" he ran his hands down Lex's back, "And you wouldn't dare ditch me. It's pretty hard to run away when you're all chained up"
Lex's mouth picked up at the corners into a smile that had faint traces of nerves. "Oh? But you can't keep me chained up forever"
"True...I'm sure I can find a collar and leash from somewhere"
Lex's eyebrows shot up, "But, but that's impractical!" he blushed.
Ram laughed, "how so?"
"What about when we need to take baths together?"
Ram smirked and Lex's blush deepened. "Oh together? You liked that then, even after all that bitching and whining like a petulant child"
"Well I wasn't particularly horny at the time" Lex muttered.
"Could have fooled me" Ram chuckled.
"No Ram, that was you who was all turned on and ready to go"
"Would you have complained?" Ram raised an eyebrow. "Keep up with this cheeky banter boy and I might just have to" He stopped himself and suddenly frowned sitting up more.
"What?" Lex asked nervously sitting up too, eyes flickering with worry.
"This. This kind of talk isn't right, not after what happened, and what I did" Ram looked away.
"Ram" Lex sighed, "It's alright. We're just messing around, having some fun, its no harm"
"We should be getting to sleep now anyway" Ram said, hedging the issue.
"Ram I want things to go back to normal, I thought you did too. We always used to talk like that before, it's just a bit of fun" Lex whined.
"Bed" Ram stated, shifting away from Lex and grabbing the sheets he'd laid down at the end of the bed and began to unfold and spread them.
"Ram"-
"Fine, go into bed for sleep now or act like a brat about it and be punished like one" Ram said shifting back and re-arranging the pillows.
Lex pursed his lips and glanced away. I've annoyed him again he thought, I always fuck things up, the important things.
Ram glanced over at Lex, "well what are you waiting for? For me to scream at you, maybe force you down onto the bed before"- he stopped and swallowed, feeling guilty immediately and frowning at Lex's hurt expression. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that, I shouldn't have, sorry" Ram mumbled.
"It's fine. I'm sorry, you're right. Sleep now" Lex gave a small nod and had this childish look on his face, almost like a sorry child as he lay down and shifted under the covers.
Ram sighed and shifted to lie down under the covers too before reaching over to Lex. Lex flinched away with a gasp from the sudden contact on his arm.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you" Ram whispered moving closer to Lex, "I just thought you might want..." he trailed off. A moment later Lex was pressed up against him in close embrace, before shifting to get into a more comfortable sleeping position with Ram.
"Things will be alright Lex" Ram whispered, pressing a kiss to the side of Lex's face.