Instert standard disclaimer here. Everyone should know that I don't own these characters. Also chopped the story up into chapters. Sorry if the transitions are rough. If you want to read it without chapters, head over to vejiitasei.com.
Absolution- Part 1, Chapter 8
by the Prime Minister
As she sat in the warm water, flicking idly at the surface with her fingers, memories began to come to her unbidden. It seemed as if every single moment she had ever shared with Gourry was passing before her eyes. Tears rolled down her cheeks and into the water, her sadness feeling hollow. They had been through so much together, had cared for one another so deeply. She had been through most of life's trials with him at her side, and yet now she was alone. He would never be with her again, no matter how much she might wish it. She understood that now; seeing the house they had shared briefly standing dark and quiet had driven the situation straight into her heart. Still, she couldn't just forget about him. Her love was too long-lived for that. He had been her first love, and she tried hard to forget that he was not the only man she had cared about.
Pushing thoughts of the present from her mind, she closed her eyes and plunged below the surface of the water, letting the warm liquid cradle her and bear her away from her reality. She would try and remember only the good things, like when he had called her for the first time instead of little girl, or when he had done his best to come to her rescue. She especially remembered the first time they had made love, her first time ever, and smiled sadly to herself.
The memory was as vivid as if it had happened yesterday. They had lost their supplies, and it had started to rain. With only one blanket between them, Gourry had gallantly given it to her, but then his shivering had kept her awake. Not wanting to lose sleep, she had invited him under the blanket, which proved to be her undoing. She should have known that two people, as close as they were and as attracted to one another as they were, could never have shared the same blanket without something happening. Yet she had done it anyway.The scent of him had been clean and airy that night, like wind across a field in the spring, with a hint of something darker, something strong and manly. It made her insides go all funny, as did his touch when his large, strong hands squeezed her gently. She had looked up into his face to see him smiling at her, his handsome features kind and his sparkling blue eyes fixed upon her as if she were the only thing that existed in the entire world. In that moment it truly felt like they made the universe, and their pressed-together bodies were the essence of eternity. His battle-roughened hand reached up and stroked her cheeks, clearing away the fiery red tendrils of hair that clung to her face. She blinked her huge ruby-colored eyes, and before she could react he was kissing her, his lips warm and soft on hers. To her surprise she kissed him back, feeling his mouth becoming more insistent. Her body answered his, and she sighed as his tongue slid into her mouth. The temperature inside of her rose and she found herself gripping his muscular back tightly as he rolled her over, his hand sliding to her lithe waist. he whispered against her neck, pulling at the fabric of her shirt. She grunted in reply and suddenly wanted to be out of her clothes very, very much. Her hands snaked her way down the cleft of his spine and clutched at his firm buttocks, feeling his powerful muscles move as he repositioned himself. In spite of her better judgment, she grabbed his face between her hands and kissed him roughly, wondering why he was taking so long in getting her clothes off. He broke away from her lips and tore her shirt down the front, lowering his head to her burning skin and caressing her with his lips. An electric thrill ran the length of her body and she arched her back. Never in a million years would she have guessed Gourry would make her feel this way. Still, he was taking too long, and so she reached down and rid herself of her remaining clothing, smiling as he struggled to take off his trousers. Soon the warm length of their bodies were pressed together in a consuming embrace, his golden hair spilling over her as he held her.
His passionate kiss when he entered her had distracted her from the initial burning pain of having him inside of her, and within mere minutes it was over, his weight crushing her as he panted atop her, spent. She was tired and achy and did not care about the brevity of the encounter, but felt pure bliss as he rolled to the side and folded her into her arms. I love you, Lina, he murmured into her ear, kissing the lobe tenderly.
I know, Gourry, she had whispered, but he was already asleep.
Lina broke the surface of the water with a gasp as the memory faded and bled into a more recent one, a recollection of a dark-haired man with fire in his eyes as he clutched her to him in the candlelight. She remembered her first time with Xellos even more clearly, if that was possible. The memory was so vivid, in fact, that when she shut her eyes she could feel his mouth on the back of her neck and his thin, muscular arms wrapping around her from behind. That first time with Xellos had taken much longer that it ever had with Gourry, and she would never forget how it felt to be pressed to his body above her as he held her off the mattress, only his strength suspending her as he moved within her. He had taken her to heights of pleasure she had never imagined, let alone experienced before, and he was matchless in his inventiveness. Still, love with Gourry had given her something that made up for the lack of creativity, even though she couldn't put her finger on it. She doubted that anyone would ever make her feel the way Gourry had, and she didn't even want to try to look.
She scrubbed her face in an effort to rid herself of tears, and before long she found that her thoughts combined with her solitude were too much for her. She was tired of weeping over something she couldn't change, but the pain hadn't gone away yet, either. It didn't seem as if it ever would. Sighing, she climbed out of the bath and wrapped herself in one of the luxurious towels Xellos had laid out for her, thinking that for a heartless Monster he was a pretty good host. As she slipped the robe around her body and slid the door open, a wonderful sound filled her ears. It was a man's voice, a lovely tenor, singing a tune she thought she recognized. The music held her spellbound, and before she knew what she was doing, she found her feet taking her to the source of the melody. She padded down the hall and to the kitchen and dining area, stopping short when she entered the room. Xellos had her back to her, sitting in a chair as he held a spoon up to the baby's mouth. The baby was strapped into a highchair, looking quizzically at the food. It took her but a moment to realize that the beautiful singing was coming from Xellos, the haunting tones rising and falling as he tried to feed the child. The baby also seemed enchanted by the tune, for she fed with ease, staring at her father the entire time.
Then Lina recognized the melody, the insight slicing through her like a heated blade. Gourry had hummed that song all the time, telling her the tune had been passed down in his family, although no one knew the words anymore. It had been his favorite song, and she couldn't hear it without being reminded of him. Xellos, however, wasn't humming, he was singing, the tones clear and beautiful as they echoed throughout the house and into the sunlight, and he was singing words.
Her breath caught in her throat and she made a faint choking noise, tears pooling in her eyes. Xellos must have heard the sound, for he paused in feeding the baby and turned to her, the melody fading upon his lips. That song, she murmured, What is it?
Xellos slowly put down the baby spoon and inclined his head politely. It's an ancient song, Miss Lina, he said gently. It's an elven song.
How do you know the words?
A faint smile crossed his face. I've had a thousand years to learn many things, he replied softly.
The tears gathering in her eyes overflowed, tracing the lines of her cheeks and landing on the collar of her thick robe. What do they mean?
Xellos stood slowly and walked up to her, his sharp features almost tender as he raised a gloved hand and wiped a tear off of her cheek with his thumb. It's about letting go and being carried along wherever life takes you, he explained. It says that there's no use worrying about the past, because we can't change it.
It's so beautiful, she murmured, looking away.
The elves were a wise people, Xellos breathed, caressing her face with the back of his hand.
She couldn't take it, having him so close, so familiar, and yet so alien. It occurred to her to wonder if he was gathering power from her pain at that very moment. He reminded her of all the things that passed between them that could never be again, and of all that she had lost when Gourry left her. Before her stood a man, not even a man, really, not anymore, who would never be able to understand the anguish she felt. He was a Monster, he lived to cause anguish, and she refused to be a meal for him. Does it make you happy? she grated through her tears, staring at his face and hating the fact that she wished he was human, so that he could take her into his arms and offer her familiar comfort against her pain.
Does what make me happy?
My agony?
His head jerked back slightly, as if she had taken him off-guard. Why would it? he asked, dark eyebrows furrowing slightly.
You're a damn Monster.
If she hadn't known better, she would have thought he looked pained. Miss Lina, your suffering does not cause me pleasure. In fact, in merely serves to make me feel powerless, since I cannot help the one I most desire to please, he said softly, gently wiping strands of wet hair out of her face.
She looked up at him and couldn't stand the honesty in his face, couldn't deal with the truth she saw in his usually-devious features. she whimpered, and turned away from him, leaving him standing with his hand reaching out to her as she padded back to her room.
The days dragged into weeks and before long she felt as if the life she had lived was no longer her own. Everything that had happened to her seemed so incredibly distant. She tried to think back, but the effort was almost painful. It seemed like ages ago she stood in front of the resurrected piece of Shabranigdo, facing him down with Gourry's Sword of Light and the Giga Slave. So much had happened since then. She had defeated Shabranigdo, Zanaffar, numerous lesser Monsters, Hellmaster Phibrizzo himself, and the twisted beast born of the merging of Darkstar and Volphied. Kanzel, Mazenda, Orkalym, Anemony. . . It was all behind her. Zelgadis and Amelia were married, and very likely happily so, and Gourry was forever beyond her reach. They had all chosen, she realized as she stared out the window at the sea. She had sat in that chair every day since Xellos coaxed her out of bed, watching the ocean day and night, and yet it had just dawned on her that everyone was living with the choices they had made. Not her, though. She was living because of Gourry's choice, because of Xellos' choice.
As soon as she had the thought she realized it was false. They had been forced into making decisions because of her actions. What had Xellos once told her? Something about her acting without thinking about the consequences? Her mind drifted back to Zelgadis' and Amelia's wedding, to when she had left Gourry in the night. How must have he felt, to have her gone without a reason? He, at least, had told her why he had to leave her. Leaving him had been her decision, just as it had been her choice to take up with Xellos. She had willingly made love to him over and over again, reveling in every moment of it. She had not been careful, and had gotten pregnant. Her hand slowly traveled downward to lay on her abdomen, resting where the swell of her womb had been. Perhaps it would have been better if she had chosen differently. Perhaps she would have been happy to have the baby if Xellos had stayed human. If she hadn't wanted to find the texts for her spells so badly, perhaps he would have been human still. Xellos, too, had made decisions. He had opted to take Monster power to save her life, and to care for their daughter even though he was not human any longer. She wasn't even sure he was pure Monster anymore. What had happened to all of them, and what part had she played in it?
She shook her head and slowly rose from her chair. It was her turn to own up to her decisions. She had fled from the consequences long enough. Lecia was her daughter, no one else's, and Xellos was the father of that child. Gourry had made the most painful decision of his life in order to give her the family she had unwittingly created, and she wasn't sure that she could let his sacrifice be in vain. I'll always love you, Gourry, she whispered into the sea air, and stepped out onto the porch.
Lina walked in the shadows of the thatched roof until she came to the railing of the porch. It was the first time she had stepped outside of the house since the night she had nearly drowned herself in the ocean. Leaning against the wooden railing, she wrapped an arm around a pillar and looked across the white sands of the beach. Palm trees softly swayed in the breeze as the waves rolled gently in, the smell of salt and tropical flowers in the air. The sound of the waves and the cries of birds in the distance made her feel as if the world was standing still for a moment, and for the first time in a long while she felt as if she could breathe again.
Then she spotted them, and her insides went all funny. There were the fruits of her decisions, down there near the water's edge. Xellos stood ankle-deep in the water, his baggy trousers rolled up to mid-calf, the bare skin of his toned back turned to the sun. The muscles of his lithe, naked torso rippled as he moved along the edge of the surf, bent over to hold the hands of his daughter. Lecia tottered between his legs, her tiny hands gripping his fingers as her chubby little legs pumped along. Xellos gently pulled his hands away and Lecia staggered a few steps before beginning to topple. Suddenly his hands were beneath the child, catching her before she hit the sand. Lecia squealed and grasped at his fingers again, and the process began anew. Snippets of Xellos' voice floated up to her on the breeze, and she could barely make out his words of encouragement. The dark hair of his head shone in the sunlight, and the girl's hair promised to be the same texture and glossy color. Xellos was teaching their little girl to walk, and the sight touched her somehow. A smile graced her lips, rare in its genuine nature, and she leaned her head against the pillar. So what if the father of her child was a Monster, and a conniving, evil one at that; he might not be capable of loving them, but he would care for them. The least she could do was try.
It was then that Xellos turned his head towards her, letting go of Lecia's hands as he stood to face her. Even from such a distance she could feel his eyes upon her, studying every detail of her. The child, deprived of her father's balancing hands, lurched forward across the packed sand and, miraculously, began to walk. Lecia's eyes went wide and round, as if her locomotion surprised even her, and then her clear child's giggle rang out triumphantly across the sand. Xellos was immediately at her side, grinning so widely that Lina thought his face would split. His exuberant laugh wrapped around his daughter's voice as the sound was carried off by the sea wind, and Lina couldn't help but smile in return. Her first steps! Xellos crowed, then caught Lecia as she finally toppled. The little girls squealed and squirmed in her father's embrace, laughing again as he rained kisses down upon her tiny face. Who's the most talented girl in the world? he chortled, rubbing his nose against hers as he walked towards Lina.
By the time they reached her, Lecia had hauled herself up to sitting in Xellos' arms, a small hand pressed flat against his bare chest. The baby blinked up at Lina with wide, amethyst eyes, and for the first time Lina saw herself in the child, mixed forever with Xellos. Did you see? Xellos asked, face settling into his usual smile. Our daughter just took her first steps!
I saw, Lina said softly. As much as she hated to admit it, there was something magical about watching someone walk for the first time, and she couldn't help feeling oddly proud to know that it was her flesh and blood that accomplished such a feat.
Lecia squealed, reaching little arms out to Lina and waving them about. Bah bah aaah!
Xellos chuckled and bounced the girl lightly. I think she's proud of herself, he said brightly. He turned his closed eyes toward Lina, face even more passive than usual. I also think she'd like you to hold her. She's starting to recognize you, you know.
She is? Lina asked, a little uncertain. She had never been comfortable around other people's babies, and most certainly hadn't wanted her own, especially this one. To have a child on accident with a man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with was one thing, but to have mothered a Monster's child...
If you're not ready I'll understand, Xellos said softly, turning his head to the side. Lecia will, too.
Lecia belted out, the tones of her voice seeming to disagree with her father's words.
Lina eyed the child, whose brow furrowed as she reached out. Chubby hands waved in the air almost desperately, and Lina, despite her wishes, reached out in return. She held her breath as Xellos gently handed the child over, an unreadable expression on her face as she wrapped her arms around the child for the first time in nearly a year. The baby's skin was unbelievably soft, and a bit of wonder sparked in the middle of her chest as she realized that this little thing had actually come from her body. Lina said awkwardly, looking down into the child's face. Lecia didn't reply, just wrapped her hands in the long, red strands of Lina's hair and laid her head against Lina's breast.
Lina started as she felt a tentative touch on her bare shoulder, quickly turning her head to see Xellos standing next to her. I think she has become tired, he murmured, slowly edging nearer to her. Isn't she a pretty baby?
Lina's face scrunched up, not knowing if she liked the situation or not. There she was, standing in a place she didn't necessarily want to be in, holding a baby she didn't want, next to the man she didn't really want to be with. Yet there was an odd peace to the scene, she noticed, and having Xellos standing so near wasn't entirely bad. Was this her fate? Was this truly what she had brought upon herself?
Lina sighed and looked down at the child, who really did seem to be tired. Yes, she's beautiful, Lina breathed.
Xellos nodded once and smiled. Not nearly as becoming as her mother, he murmured, and gently took the baby from Lina's embrace. Here, I'll put her down. If you'd care to wait here I will bring refreshments.
Lina looked around at the porch and decided that it was a beautiful day to sit outside and sip a drink. She hadn't done such a thing in a very, very long time. Gourry hadn't been the type to sit and chat for long hours. In fact, she and Gourry had rarely conversed at length, since he usually couldn't understand what she was talking about. How things had changed. When she thought about it, she realized that the last time she had just sat around and talked with one other person was over a year ago. The person she had chatted with then was the man who was fetching them drinks at that very moment.
Just the thought of it made all the old feelings swirl up inside of her. The emotions were almost painful as they rose within her chest, and she quickly sought a seat. She sat down heavily in the wooden chair and rested her arm against the table, blinking into the patches of light the thatched roof of the porch let through. The things she had felt back then... It was one of the few times in her life she didn't have to explain herself. Xellos had understood everything about her, it had seemed, even things she wasn't sure she understood about herself. However, what was that compared to Gourry's unconditional love?
Here you are, Miss Lina, his silky voice said, intruding on her thoughts. She felt the blood rush to her face, feeling a little guilty for thinking about her previous relationship with Xellos. The fact that Lecia existed at all was painful enough without remembering how things had been before the child was conceived.
Uh, thanks, she mumbled as he set the tray down and sat across the small circular table from her. He nodded and smiled benignly at her, graciously pouring her a glass of ice tea, fresh raspberries swirling in the liquid. Damn him, he had even remembered her favorite summertime drink. Well, she wasn't going to magically forget about Gourry, no matter how nice Xellos was being to her. She was just going to stop thinking about men altogether. That would certainly fix her problem.
She sipped her tea for several moments, lost in her attempt to think about anything and everything but Gourry or Xellos. Eventually, however, she realized how quiet it was. The only sounds were those of distant birds and the ocean wind. Xellos usually would have been yammering on about something or other by now. Slowly she became aware of his gaze upon her, but when she turned to look at him his eyes were closed. The usual mild expression he wore was nowhere to be seen; instead his brows were furrowed slightly, and he looked more serious than usual. Miss Lina, if you would like to leave. . . he murmured, trailing off.
She looked at him askance, a bit confounded. Xellos never faltered in his words, why was he doing so now?
If your wish is to leave, I will make it so, he replied.
For long moments she studied his face, searching for any sort of hidden trick or meaning, but he seemed to be genuine. Leaving would let her get on with her life, to start anew yet again. However, she couldn't get the image of Lecia's first tottering steps out of her mind, nor the vision of Xellos, standing shirtless under the sun, surf rolling about his ankles as their daughter lurched forward. I'll let you know when I'm ready, she said softly, and he merely nodded in reply.