Author's Note: I'm still a little sick right now, but I can manage. I don't want to keep you waiting too long. This is the second to the last chapter and I can't help but notice you guys are still a little confused. I made this chapter to clarify everything that's been going on with Rinoa, so you would understand her and won't be so annoyed with her anymore. Okay, here are the thanks you notes!
Lymaris – Thank you for reviewing. Glad you liked the chapter. I expected everybody to get mad or get really confused or something…
The wise – She won't be so fickle in this chapter. I think. Anyway, thank you for reviewing. Hope you like this chapter.
Tai-Style – I'm not one to break a promise. I remember telling all of you – or at least one of you - it will be a Squinoa…I think, so it will. You'll see in this chappie. Thanks for reviewing.
PasifiKStaR – So sorry for making you wait. And…I just didn't want to be too mean to Seifer. I don't know. And I love Angelo, too. Hehe! Thanks for the review.
renika – Little snippets are good…just kidding. Don't be impatient anymore. With one more chapter to go…well, just go ahead and read. Thank you for reviewing.
Peanut Gallery – Alaska's Own – I wish I could make it longer and put even more indecisiveness, but I can't. The story must end because it's getting too long for my comfort. Anyway, thank you for reviewing.
lostfallenangel – Thank you for reviewing and for delaying your sleep to read my story. That makes me feel…hm…I lost the word….good? Anyway, enjoy the chapter.
DBGTfool – Thanks for reviewing. Here's the update. I'm glad you like the story. I'm sorry it'll end soon…but I really can't make it longer.
Barr – You know, maybe she does like the idea of being in love. But she will make up her mind and it'll all be good. Thanks for reviewing.
Flare Draco – Thank you for reviewing. And relax, she will make up her mind. Sorry this chapter was a little rushed. I still feel a little woozy. I hope you won't find this chapter confusing.
Mystic Azure Girl – I'm glad you chose to read my fic and that you like it and think it's sweet. So uh…thanks for reviewing. I hope you like this chapter.
SquallsGIRL – Thank you so much for reviewing and for the concern. Fortunately, I am feeling a little better. Though, to be honest, it's rare that I'm actually perfectly well. My illness goes on and off. Anyway, enjoy the chapter.
LionHeart823 – Sorry for that confusing chapter. I hope this chapter will clarify some things, if not all. I summarized it all up, including confusing and seemingly insignificant parts in previous chapters. So enjoy the read and thank you for reviewing.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Rinoa sprawled on the bed, her arms outstretched at her sides. A sigh escaped her lips as she smiled. After her talk with Squall everything seemed to have just gotten clearer. She sat up and took the chocobo doll into her arms. "He really is the right guy for me, isn't he?" she asked the doll. "I've just been fooling myself this whole time, haven't I?"
Suddenly, she laughed. "Wait a minute, why am I talking to a doll?" She only laughed more and tightly hugged the doll.
She sighed again. 'What will I tell Seifer?' she thought to herself. 'I…I can't just flat out tell him…can I? Oh great, so now I'm confused again…I don't want to be so stupid and indecisive anymore!" A frown formed on her lips and her eyes fell on the study desk in the hotel room. Her diary, the one she had let Squall read, was on the desk. She hadn't written anything in it since Squall returned it.
Rinoa rose from bed and sat down at the desk, placing the chocobo doll on the desk and opening the diary to a blank page. "Perhaps if I write down how I'm feeling right now, it would all be clear again…" she said to herself. Taking a pen, she started.
Dear Diary,
It's been so long since I last wrote, hasn't it? Well, I've been acting strange and stupid the past few…I don't know, months? Anyway, earlier today, I was able to speak with Squall. We talked for…well, it seemed to me like forever. I bet I could just sit down and listen to his voice for years without getting tired of hearing him talk. He still loves me, even though I've been trying to make him forget me.
He said, 'I've never been good at voicing out my feelings…heck, I've never been good at just simply knowing how I feel…but, Rinoa, I'm sure of this: I love you.' He told me that it didn't matter whether I still loved him, too, or not. And it didn't matter that I was marrying someone else. He said he would always love me, no matter what. He told me he had never needed anyone as much as he needed me. He never wanted to be with anyone as much as he wanted to be with me.
I believed him, every word he said, and I considered what his sister told me. I guess…I guess I really should choose Squall. Seifer doesn't love me as much as Squall does. If he did, then he would be satisfied with me and he wouldn't need to go out and see other girls all the time If he did, he wouldn't be so forceful and so insensitive. If he did, he would be patient with me and wait on me. He doesn't do that. And when I look at him…I feel more lust than love. I'm messing it all up, aren't I? I know he loves me, I can tell, but there's just something else, too. Something less desirable.
Ellone was right, in everything she said. She once told me that a lot of people would rather be pleased by others than to be the one pleasing others. And there are some who are the opposite: the ones that would rather please, people that are too selfless, you know, bleeding-heart lovers. She said I was one of the few people in between. I would strive to please but my heart craves attention and care, too, I just often push it aside because I am selfless.
She told me that was why I needed Squall. My selflessness would be satisfied because Squall needs so much, so I would have to do a lot of things for him. But the silent longing for affection I am hiding would be satisfied, too, because Squall would never leave me on my own and would be there whenever I would call for him. I have to laugh, you know? She's just so right all the time! I find it hard to say, but I always knew who I loved more. It was never a case that I cared about Seifer more than I did Squall.
The problem was that Seifer…well, when I first knew him, he cared for me so much that I had forgotten what it was like when I needed to do things, too. But after I had gotten better and my amnesia had faded, he…changed. He needed more from me and he got angry more easily and more often. I started to get confused because…well, I wanted Seifer to be the way he was before. Then I got angry because the more I kept wanting Seifer to be better, the more I compared him to Squall. The more I compared him to Squall, the more my mind forced me to think that I should choose Squall over Seifer.
I suppose I was also afraid that if I chose Squall, I would reflect on that choice for the rest of my life, feeling some kind of regret or remorse, you know, knowing that I was actually engaged to Seifer. I was afraid that if I went with Squall and we married or something, he would change, like Seifer did. I was afraid that would happen…but now, I feel like the risk is worth it. I think…
I remember when I was a child, when I knew Squall as Leon and he knew me as Julia, he was what I considered my best friend. We talked about this earlier. Seifer was always bossy and he always got to decide what we would play. I often snuck out of the house to see Squall – Leon – and spend hours talking. He was never the type to play. But there was this one time we got out of the city and a monster came. He wrestled with that monster bare-handed. Surprisingly, he won, but he was really hurt. When we got back to the city, he told me he would train harder so that next time he could protect me better. But our friendship didn't last long since he was an orphan and he had to go to an orphanage.
You see, I just realized he had been protecting me even as a child. And even now he has done so much for me. I guess that was why I was hesitant when Seifer and I became engaged. I was looking for something more, something like Squall. Funny, huh? I have been denying it all along because of my own fears and my own uncertainty. And I bet because of that Squall has been having a hard time, too. I've really been stupid, that's the only word for it.
So now, I'm going to tell Seifer how I really feel. I've decided now and I'm not going to change anything anymore. I'm not going to be hesitant and uncertain anymore. Besides, I owe this honesty to Seifer, to Squall and to myself. I'll just have to tell Seifer that I love Squall…that's all…I suppose he would understand…I hope he will…
Sincerely,
Rinoa
Rinoa got up from the chair and stretched a little, feeling somewhat sleepy. She went to the bathroom, deciding to take a shower before bed, or before talking to Seifer. The moment she got in the shower, however, Seifer entered the room.
He could hear water running and was about to knock on the bathroom door to see if Rinoa was inside but an open book on the desk made him change his mind. He didn't know what made him want to see it, but he had a gut feeling he had to. He walked towards the desk and saw it was Rinoa's diary. She had written a new entry, though as far as he knew she hadn't written anything in it the last months.
He began to read everything she wrote and as he did, he could feel himself trembling. That was how she really felt? Once he was finished reading, he stepped out of the room, not wanting to face her just yet, not wanting her to say anything just yet. He went into Raijin and Fujin's room. Only Hyne knows why they don't mind sharing a room. He went inside and found Raijin watching TV and Fujin just standing there.
Slamming the door behind him, he caught Raijin and Fujin's attention. "What's up, ya know?" asked Raijin. "You look bummed."
"It's Rinoa," he said. Then he told them basically what he read in her diary. What Raijin said afterwards didn't help at all. He said Seifer should just forget about it. If Rinoa doesn't like him, then Rinoa doesn't like him.
More infuriated than comforted, he stepped out of the room only to be followed by Fujin. She looked at him and said simply, "If you love her, let her be with the one she loves, even if that man isn't you." He smirked at Fujin. He knew she was right…and he knew she was pressing it on him to do just that. After all, she did speak in a normal voice, which was rare.
"I guess I'll go to my room now…" he said. He went back to the room and saw Rinoa was getting dressed. As soon as she slipped her nightdress on, she climbed into bed. Seifer saw that she had already kept the diary.
"Seifer," she said. "There's something I have to tell you."
Seifer felt his heart skip a beat then race endlessly. He won't be able to bear what she has to say. "Can't it wait?" he asked.
"No, sorry," she said. "It's very important."
He got into bed with her and lay down, cuddling her. "Tell me some other time. I'm tired. Let's just go to sleep okay?"
"But…" she began. When she looked at him, though, and he smiled at her, she sighed. "Tomorrow then…" she said, stifling a yawn, before closing her eyes and falling asleep.
- : - : - : -
In Balamb Garden, Squall was busy in the Training Center, killing off T-Rexaurs to clear his mind. Rinoa hadn't hinted at all whether she was going to call off the wedding or anything…he wanted so desperately to know. But just in case she wasn't, should he go to the wedding or should he just forget about it?
He had asked the others. Selphie and Quistis said he should, pointing out that it would mean a lot to Rinoa. Irvine and Zell said he shouldn't on the count that he would just be hurting his own feelings.
Now Squall had to decide for himself. A part of him says he should, agreeing with Quistis and Selphie. It really would mean a lot to Rinoa…but would he able to handle watching the girl he loved marrying another man?
"Think Rinny noticed that we set things up so she really had to talk to Squall? Think she'll be mad at us?" asked Selphie as she, Quistis, Irvine and Zell were playing cards.
"No," Zell said. "Rinoa's not the type to get mad like that."
Quistis smiled. "Besides, Rinoa doesn't know. I'm sure."
"You know, I'm more worried about Squall finding out and getting angry than Rinoa," said Irvine. "We all know what Squall's like."
The others nodded. "But it wasn't that bad…I mean, all we got them to do is talk. And it wasn't like anybody was hurt," said Zell. "Am I right?"
"I guess you are," said Selphie.
"Anyway, it doesn't matter. We got what we wanted. I called Rin earlier and she was all about Squall," said Quistis. "If we're lucky, she might call off the wedding."