Disclaimer: Hellblazer is the property of DC Comics and The Discworld is
the property of Terry Pratchett.
The Shite Fantastic
A Hellblazer/Discworld Crossover
By: Mozphoto
Chapter 3: SCREAMING IN THE BATH-TUB
A bath, thought Rincewind. A nice, steaming, hot bath should be just the thing. He let himself into his rooms* at the University, closed and locked the door, and began to very carefully undress.
Once he had filled the tub, he picked up a staff and began cautiously poking around in the water**. His paranoia satisfied, he slowly, carefully eased into the foamy water with a sigh.
Yes the bath was just the trick.
The whole problem with the underwear had truly gotten out of hand. Normally, Rincewind would have his laundry taken care of by chucking it all into the Luggage. The next time he'd open it, he'd find all he's laundry cleaned, neatly folded, and smelling faintly of lavender. Unfortunately, the Luggage had disappeared a month ago. Rincewind had thought that he would simply have his laundry done by the university's house-keeping staff, just like the rest of the faculty. This plan was completely defeated by Mrs. Whitlow, the supervisor of the of the university's non-teaching staff.
As far as Mrs. Whitlow was concerned if any member of the faculty didn't make use of her staff's services, she would make known her displeasure in no uncertain terms. It wouldn't happen right away, but when it happened, you knew.
And Rincewind knew the first time he put on a freshly laundered pair of underwear. After two weeks, other members of the faculty had begun to comment on the similarities between the ways that Rincewind and the Librarian walked.
Then two nights ago, Mrs. Whitlow gave the kitchen staff the evening off and had ordered the faculty's dinner from the Curry Gardens.
To say that Rincewind was uncomfortable was an understatement of biblical proportions.
But now he lay in the bath and soaked. He had just begun to dose when the window of his bathroom snapped open. In a movement of acrobatic grace that would have impressed the Librarian, Rincewind somersaulted out of the tub, wrapped a towel around his midsection, grabbed the staff, and landed in a crouch***.
The Luggage leapt through the window.
"Where in the eight hells have you been?" Rincewind struck the Luggage with his staff on every syllable. "It's been so long since I've had a proper pair of underwear that my privates are beginning to resemble a slab of corned beef!"
The Luggage stared at him woodenly.
"All right," Rincewind sighed, "open up and let me have them."
Its lid swung open to reveal his underwear and an unconscious man. Rincewind grabbed a pair of underwear and slammed the lid shut. He then slipped on the soft, clean underwear on with relish and sighed with relief. Then he sat down to think.
Whoever it was in the Luggage was wearing clothing that even Rincewind didn't recognize, so it was fair to assume he wasn't from the Disc. But that wasn't the worrying thing about him.
The stranger tangled up in Rincewind's clean laundry had such an intense octarine aura emanating from him that it was almost a certainty that he was a sourcerer.
Rincewind came to a decision and stood up. "Come on," he said, "let's take him to the Arch-Chancellor."
* When Rincewind had returned from XXXX, he had been elected to be Unseen University's new professor of Cruel and Unusual Geography. A position that Arch-Chancellor Ridcully had felt Rincewind was most qualified for because he had been to more parts of the Disc than any living wizard. The fact that he spent the majority of his time at all these locales running away from certain (and in some cases, uncertain) death was beside the point.
** The rooms of the professor of Cruel and Unusual Geography had many portals which led to other parts of the Disc and even other worlds. The portal that used to be in the bath-tub's drain had once let in a fanged, tentacled creature during Rincewind's first bath since taking up residence there. The memory of its tentacles latching on to his testicles still had him waking up screaming. The faculty had spent the better part of a week casting every spell the Librarian could find in order to close that portal and the Arch-Chancellor had Guaranteed Rincewind that he was safe from any further bath time brouhahas but still felt nervous.
*** Wincing noticeably.
The Shite Fantastic
A Hellblazer/Discworld Crossover
By: Mozphoto
Chapter 3: SCREAMING IN THE BATH-TUB
A bath, thought Rincewind. A nice, steaming, hot bath should be just the thing. He let himself into his rooms* at the University, closed and locked the door, and began to very carefully undress.
Once he had filled the tub, he picked up a staff and began cautiously poking around in the water**. His paranoia satisfied, he slowly, carefully eased into the foamy water with a sigh.
Yes the bath was just the trick.
The whole problem with the underwear had truly gotten out of hand. Normally, Rincewind would have his laundry taken care of by chucking it all into the Luggage. The next time he'd open it, he'd find all he's laundry cleaned, neatly folded, and smelling faintly of lavender. Unfortunately, the Luggage had disappeared a month ago. Rincewind had thought that he would simply have his laundry done by the university's house-keeping staff, just like the rest of the faculty. This plan was completely defeated by Mrs. Whitlow, the supervisor of the of the university's non-teaching staff.
As far as Mrs. Whitlow was concerned if any member of the faculty didn't make use of her staff's services, she would make known her displeasure in no uncertain terms. It wouldn't happen right away, but when it happened, you knew.
And Rincewind knew the first time he put on a freshly laundered pair of underwear. After two weeks, other members of the faculty had begun to comment on the similarities between the ways that Rincewind and the Librarian walked.
Then two nights ago, Mrs. Whitlow gave the kitchen staff the evening off and had ordered the faculty's dinner from the Curry Gardens.
To say that Rincewind was uncomfortable was an understatement of biblical proportions.
But now he lay in the bath and soaked. He had just begun to dose when the window of his bathroom snapped open. In a movement of acrobatic grace that would have impressed the Librarian, Rincewind somersaulted out of the tub, wrapped a towel around his midsection, grabbed the staff, and landed in a crouch***.
The Luggage leapt through the window.
"Where in the eight hells have you been?" Rincewind struck the Luggage with his staff on every syllable. "It's been so long since I've had a proper pair of underwear that my privates are beginning to resemble a slab of corned beef!"
The Luggage stared at him woodenly.
"All right," Rincewind sighed, "open up and let me have them."
Its lid swung open to reveal his underwear and an unconscious man. Rincewind grabbed a pair of underwear and slammed the lid shut. He then slipped on the soft, clean underwear on with relish and sighed with relief. Then he sat down to think.
Whoever it was in the Luggage was wearing clothing that even Rincewind didn't recognize, so it was fair to assume he wasn't from the Disc. But that wasn't the worrying thing about him.
The stranger tangled up in Rincewind's clean laundry had such an intense octarine aura emanating from him that it was almost a certainty that he was a sourcerer.
Rincewind came to a decision and stood up. "Come on," he said, "let's take him to the Arch-Chancellor."
* When Rincewind had returned from XXXX, he had been elected to be Unseen University's new professor of Cruel and Unusual Geography. A position that Arch-Chancellor Ridcully had felt Rincewind was most qualified for because he had been to more parts of the Disc than any living wizard. The fact that he spent the majority of his time at all these locales running away from certain (and in some cases, uncertain) death was beside the point.
** The rooms of the professor of Cruel and Unusual Geography had many portals which led to other parts of the Disc and even other worlds. The portal that used to be in the bath-tub's drain had once let in a fanged, tentacled creature during Rincewind's first bath since taking up residence there. The memory of its tentacles latching on to his testicles still had him waking up screaming. The faculty had spent the better part of a week casting every spell the Librarian could find in order to close that portal and the Arch-Chancellor had Guaranteed Rincewind that he was safe from any further bath time brouhahas but still felt nervous.
*** Wincing noticeably.