Sorry for the delay folks! Got hit with a virus and had to wipe my HD.
But now, on with the story!
Disclaimer: Hellblazer is the property of DC Comics and The Discworld is the property of Pterry Pratchett.
The Shite Fantastic
A Hellblazer/Discworld Crossover
By: Mozphoto
Chapter 5: Anyone Got a Fag?
John slowly regained consciousness. The first thing he noticed is that someone was wiping his forehead with a cool, damp cloth. The next thing he noticed, as he opened his eyes, was that it wasn't someone, it was something.
"YAAAAAA! BUGGER ME WITH A SPOON! GET THIS FUCKING M-"
Someone had clamped a hand over his mouth and was whispering urgently in his ear.
"I don't know who you are or where you came from, but if you don't want your head used for a game of handball by a 300 pound orangutan, I would strongly recommend that you don't call him a monkey," he hissed. "Besides, he's a first class librarian. By the way, my name's Rincewind, what's yours?"
Rincewind slowly removed his hand from John's mouth. "Constantine, John Constantine," John replied. "Where the fuck am I?"
"Unseen University, sir!" Boomed a voice from the doorway.
John gaped. Standing in the doorway was a wizard. Only a much more robust version of a wizard than John had ever seen in the movies, or even any woodcuts he had procured.* But then, not even the highest level wizards on the Disc had ever expected Arch-Chancellor Mustrum Ridcully, a.k.a. Ridcully the Brown.**
John sat down. "Right, I need to get to grips with things. Any chance of a cup of tea? Oh, er, thank you." This to the Librarian, who had just handed him a cup of tea. "Anyone got a fag? Ah, yes, thanks again." The Librarian had offered him a cigarette. "Well, you are a useful geezer, aintcha?" John pointed at the cigarette held between his lips, "How about a light?"
FWOOSH
It had been a long time since anyone had seen a wizard try to light a cigarette with a fireball. The last time Ridcully had seen such a thing was when old "Blue Flame"**** Brantley had tried it. Wizards speak of that day in hushed tones. So it astonished him that this strange wizard had tried to do so. What astonished him even more was that aside from a slightly singed nose, John was quite unscathed.
*John very rarely cared about ownership when it came to other people's
belongings. If he needed it, especially for occult purposes, he would
lie, connive, seduce, and even steal the item in question.
**There has been a great deal of speculation*** that this title is a
reference to Ridcully being full of shit.
***Not in his presence, of course.
****That nickname did not come about because of the fireball incident,
but rather because of the time, during Rag Week of course, that a young
Brantley had decided to experiment with a fireball spell, a very long
corridor, and an extremely large meal consisting mostly of beans.
Wizards who witnessed the event generally wish they hadn't.
Disclaimer: Hellblazer is the property of DC Comics and The Discworld is the property of Pterry Pratchett.
The Shite Fantastic
A Hellblazer/Discworld Crossover
By: Mozphoto
Chapter 5: Anyone Got a Fag?
John slowly regained consciousness. The first thing he noticed is that someone was wiping his forehead with a cool, damp cloth. The next thing he noticed, as he opened his eyes, was that it wasn't someone, it was something.
"YAAAAAA! BUGGER ME WITH A SPOON! GET THIS FUCKING M-"
Someone had clamped a hand over his mouth and was whispering urgently in his ear.
"I don't know who you are or where you came from, but if you don't want your head used for a game of handball by a 300 pound orangutan, I would strongly recommend that you don't call him a monkey," he hissed. "Besides, he's a first class librarian. By the way, my name's Rincewind, what's yours?"
Rincewind slowly removed his hand from John's mouth. "Constantine, John Constantine," John replied. "Where the fuck am I?"
"Unseen University, sir!" Boomed a voice from the doorway.
John gaped. Standing in the doorway was a wizard. Only a much more robust version of a wizard than John had ever seen in the movies, or even any woodcuts he had procured.* But then, not even the highest level wizards on the Disc had ever expected Arch-Chancellor Mustrum Ridcully, a.k.a. Ridcully the Brown.**
John sat down. "Right, I need to get to grips with things. Any chance of a cup of tea? Oh, er, thank you." This to the Librarian, who had just handed him a cup of tea. "Anyone got a fag? Ah, yes, thanks again." The Librarian had offered him a cigarette. "Well, you are a useful geezer, aintcha?" John pointed at the cigarette held between his lips, "How about a light?"
FWOOSH
It had been a long time since anyone had seen a wizard try to light a cigarette with a fireball. The last time Ridcully had seen such a thing was when old "Blue Flame"**** Brantley had tried it. Wizards speak of that day in hushed tones. So it astonished him that this strange wizard had tried to do so. What astonished him even more was that aside from a slightly singed nose, John was quite unscathed.
*John very rarely cared about ownership when it came to other people's
belongings. If he needed it, especially for occult purposes, he would
lie, connive, seduce, and even steal the item in question.
**There has been a great deal of speculation*** that this title is a
reference to Ridcully being full of shit.
***Not in his presence, of course.
****That nickname did not come about because of the fireball incident,
but rather because of the time, during Rag Week of course, that a young
Brantley had decided to experiment with a fireball spell, a very long
corridor, and an extremely large meal consisting mostly of beans.
Wizards who witnessed the event generally wish they hadn't.