Disclaimer: Hellblazer is the property of DC Comics and The Discworld is
the property of Pterry Pratchett.
The Shite Fantastic
A Hellblazer/Discworld Crossover
By: Mozphoto
Chapter 6: Ridcully Must Die! Granny Fights Alone!
The Bursar sat in his office and did paperwork.
It was one of the few times that he could actually function without the dried frog pills, because he really did enjoy handling the day-to-day red tape of keeping U.U. running. All his files, and records, how he adored them! He hummed contentedly as he opened Mrs. Whitlow's monthly expense report.
There was a knock at the door.
"Enter," he called.
A boy walked in wearing the uniform cap of the clacks service. "Message from Lancre, sir." He handed the Bursar an envelope and waited.
The Bursar tore open the envelope and began to read:
"PLEASE SEND IMMEDIATE ASSISTANCE. STENCH BECOMING UNBEARABLE-"
The boy leapt forward and snatched the message out of his hand. "Terribly sorry sir, wrong message." He rummaged around in a shoulder bag and produced another envelope. "Here you are sir."
The Bursar began to read again.
(Later in the Arch-Chancellor's office)
"Hell's bells man, I must go to Lancre right away!" He was already packing a bag. "Summon the faculty to the High Energy Magic building!" He pulled a cigar out of a desk drawer and began to pat his pockets.
"Yes Arch-Chancellor," the Bursar took a deep breath and soldiered on. "Before you leave though, if you would please just sign these documents so that the monthly expenses can be dealt with?"
Ridcully puffed on his cigar and looked around. "What documents?"
The Bursar looked in horror at the sheets of paper that were rolled up and flaming in Ridcully's hand.
(Later again)
The Bursar shook with rage.
Not only did the Arch-Chancellor constantly ignore the necessary protocols in running the university, he regularly ignored the university altogether.
But this time he had gone too far. Ridcully had to be made to pay for what he had done. And pay he would.
The Bursar opened the drawer of his desk and carefully removed a box. He placed it gently on the desk and opened it. Inside was a billiard ball.*
The Bursar sniggered. All he had to do was toss the ball at Ridcully while the rest of the faculty was concentrating on teleporting him to Lancre and only his smoking hat would arrive at Lancre castle.
(In Lancre)
Shawn Ogg was exiting the clacks tower when he saw his mother. He immediately attempted to execute a 500 metre nonchalant in the other direction and walked right into Granny Weatherwax.
"Er, um, heh heh," Shawn quivered under the cold-steel stare of Granny.
Nanny caught up to them. "Now Shawn, what are you looking all guilty for? Come on now, you can tell your old mum."
(In the Castle)
The First of the Fallen could feel his power growing and was greatly relieved. At least now he was able to change his own diaper. Any minute now, he'd be strong enough to kill. In a week, he would be able to suck this world dry of all it's power and return to his own reality, where he would be unstoppable.
Such thoughts were pushed away when the door was kicked open by Granny Weatherwax.
She stepped into the room and then spun around and slammed the door in Nanny Oggs face. A muffled "ow" could be heard through the door.
Granny needed to work fast. That old fool Mustrum would show up at any time, thinking he could save the day. She couldn't be having with that!
"Right! I don't know who you are or where you came from," she growled, "and truth be told, I don't really care." She began to roll up her sleeves. "But that's MY god-daughter your possessin', so one way or another, you're being evicted even if it kills me!"
Granny took a step back as the baby smiled at her in a most unsettling way. Then she saw the aura of octarine.
"As you wish, hag!"
*Some time ago, the alchemists had experimented with billiard balls made from artificial ivory. The results were, of course, explosive.
The Shite Fantastic
A Hellblazer/Discworld Crossover
By: Mozphoto
Chapter 6: Ridcully Must Die! Granny Fights Alone!
The Bursar sat in his office and did paperwork.
It was one of the few times that he could actually function without the dried frog pills, because he really did enjoy handling the day-to-day red tape of keeping U.U. running. All his files, and records, how he adored them! He hummed contentedly as he opened Mrs. Whitlow's monthly expense report.
There was a knock at the door.
"Enter," he called.
A boy walked in wearing the uniform cap of the clacks service. "Message from Lancre, sir." He handed the Bursar an envelope and waited.
The Bursar tore open the envelope and began to read:
"PLEASE SEND IMMEDIATE ASSISTANCE. STENCH BECOMING UNBEARABLE-"
The boy leapt forward and snatched the message out of his hand. "Terribly sorry sir, wrong message." He rummaged around in a shoulder bag and produced another envelope. "Here you are sir."
The Bursar began to read again.
(Later in the Arch-Chancellor's office)
"Hell's bells man, I must go to Lancre right away!" He was already packing a bag. "Summon the faculty to the High Energy Magic building!" He pulled a cigar out of a desk drawer and began to pat his pockets.
"Yes Arch-Chancellor," the Bursar took a deep breath and soldiered on. "Before you leave though, if you would please just sign these documents so that the monthly expenses can be dealt with?"
Ridcully puffed on his cigar and looked around. "What documents?"
The Bursar looked in horror at the sheets of paper that were rolled up and flaming in Ridcully's hand.
(Later again)
The Bursar shook with rage.
Not only did the Arch-Chancellor constantly ignore the necessary protocols in running the university, he regularly ignored the university altogether.
But this time he had gone too far. Ridcully had to be made to pay for what he had done. And pay he would.
The Bursar opened the drawer of his desk and carefully removed a box. He placed it gently on the desk and opened it. Inside was a billiard ball.*
The Bursar sniggered. All he had to do was toss the ball at Ridcully while the rest of the faculty was concentrating on teleporting him to Lancre and only his smoking hat would arrive at Lancre castle.
(In Lancre)
Shawn Ogg was exiting the clacks tower when he saw his mother. He immediately attempted to execute a 500 metre nonchalant in the other direction and walked right into Granny Weatherwax.
"Er, um, heh heh," Shawn quivered under the cold-steel stare of Granny.
Nanny caught up to them. "Now Shawn, what are you looking all guilty for? Come on now, you can tell your old mum."
(In the Castle)
The First of the Fallen could feel his power growing and was greatly relieved. At least now he was able to change his own diaper. Any minute now, he'd be strong enough to kill. In a week, he would be able to suck this world dry of all it's power and return to his own reality, where he would be unstoppable.
Such thoughts were pushed away when the door was kicked open by Granny Weatherwax.
She stepped into the room and then spun around and slammed the door in Nanny Oggs face. A muffled "ow" could be heard through the door.
Granny needed to work fast. That old fool Mustrum would show up at any time, thinking he could save the day. She couldn't be having with that!
"Right! I don't know who you are or where you came from," she growled, "and truth be told, I don't really care." She began to roll up her sleeves. "But that's MY god-daughter your possessin', so one way or another, you're being evicted even if it kills me!"
Granny took a step back as the baby smiled at her in a most unsettling way. Then she saw the aura of octarine.
"As you wish, hag!"
*Some time ago, the alchemists had experimented with billiard balls made from artificial ivory. The results were, of course, explosive.