Part II: Don't Mess With A Health Instructor
Saitoh pulled out a cigarette and began smoking. All of a sudden a little health class instructor appeared.
"Smoking is bad for your health," She informed him. "It can give you lung cancer which can kill you."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," He grumbled, continuing to puff away.
"Really," She insisted. "You would leave your children and wife behind to fend for themselves."
"So?" He asked, starting to get ticked off.
"Do you want your family to end up in poverty because you couldn't stop smoking?" She persisted. Finally he snapped. Pulling out his sword he attempted to gatosui her, but suddenly she wasn't there. A light tap on his shoulder startled him.
"The first step to quitting is admitting you need to," She said seriously. Slashing, she dodged.
"Why won't you stay still?" He hissed.
"Your children would grow up without knowing their father," She said sadly. "And all because you couldn't stop smoking."
"Would you shut the f*** up!" Saitoh roared. She thought about it for a second.
"No," She decided. Taking out her "No Smoking" sigh, she bonked him over the head, causing him to drop his cigarettes.
"Who am I?" He asked in a dazed voice.
"A non-smoker named I-Quit-Because-I-Was-Almost-Litteratly-Annoyed-To-Death-By-A-Health-Teacher," She told him wisely. "Or I.Q.B.I.W.A.L.A.T.D.B.A.H.T. for short."
"Thank you," He said. "I think I'll go home to my wife and children and not smoke."
"Good idea," She agreed. He started to walk off. She grabbed him, turning him in the opposite direction.
"It's this way," She told him. He nodded and continued off. She disappeared with his cigarettes. On the way home he conked his head into a tree and suddenly he remembered everything.
"I want my cigarettes!" He howled. Then he slumped to the ground, sobbing his 'ittle heart out.
End
After:
Saitoh: How dare you do that to me you b****!
Remo (innocently): Who, me?
Sano: When do I get to beat Saitoh up?
Saitoh: You couldn't beat me if I was dead. (Sano's faces crumples up and he begins to sob)
Remo (patting Sano on the back): It's okay. (Glaring at Saitoh) You can beat up Mister Mibu Wolf in a couple episodes.
Saitoh (choking): What?
Tokio: You can't hurt my hunny buns! (Leaning up against Saitoh) Nobody can beat my snuggle-wuggums. (Everyone on set falls down anime style)
Remo (rubbing her head and grinning evilly): I'm gonna have to work that in somehow.
Saitoh (pleading): No! I'll do anything! Just don't do it!
Remo: Anything? (Saitoh nods foolishly)
A few seconds later:
Saitoh comes on stage wearing a sailor moon costume, singing Hit Me Baby One More Time.
Remo (sipping a lemonade): He did say anything. (Claps her hands) Are you getting this on tape?
Camera dude (shows thumbs up sign): Yup!
Remo: Sing louder my pet! Sing louder! (Cackles evilly) (Saitoh gulps but doesn't have the courage to disobey his master)
Tokio: How dare you insult my pookey-wookey in this way? I demand this to stop!
Remo (pausing): Okay, that's all for now. Camera dude, give me the film. (Camera dude does so) Everybody go to the next set, I'll be right there.
(When everyone is gone Remo sneaks onto the computer and uploads the tape. Then she sends it to everyone in the universe.)
On some far off distant planet in some unknown system: Gaka blak me! Translation: What an idiot. Then aliens laugh until they're eyes pop out of their sockets and they're forced to get on the ground and feel around for them.