Joyce was pleasantly surprised. She'd never had a man cook for her before now. Ted seemed so accomplished in everything he did. He also had an excellent job. Admittedly, he was mainly involved in computers which had never interested her much beyond using their capabilities as a website for her gallery. But he merely specialized in selling the things and didn't bore her with droning on and on like a geek about RAM or software.
He was soft-spoken, tender, funny, neat without being fussy and genuinely nice. He also was in no hurry to get her into the sack, something for which she was profoundly grateful. She hadn't dated anyone since the divorce and she was leery of any relationship that rushed into the physical too soon. So far, they'd indulged in nothing more sexual than a few kisses. All in all, Ted was the perfect gentleman. She was sure Buffy would like him. She hoped so, anyway.
Now said gentleman was kissing her again—very thoroughly as a matter of fact. "No!" She'd protested, laughing, because she didn't want the food to burn. But Ted was making it really hard to concentrate on dinner. Not noticing that he'd pushed her against the table, she jostled it and a wineglass wobbled, crashing to the floor.
Buffy darted in, Willow and Xander on her heels, and halted as she saw her mother kissing a strange man. Joyce and the guy jumped apart, her mother looking really guilty. "Mom. I'm sorry. I heard glass breaking. I thought…"
Joyce was deeply flustered. She straightened, brushing down her mussed hair. "It's okay, Buffy. I-I was a little careless. I broke a wineglass. Y-you're home early."
Early? Buffy didn't think so. In fact, she figured she'd gotten here just in the nick of time. She smiled wanly at the guy, glad she hadn't come rushing in, stake in hand. "Hi."
"Hi," he replied. He appeared completely unembarrassed at being caught in kissage with her mother and Buffy felt her hackles rise slightly.
Joyce said hurriedly, "Uh, this is my daughter Buffy. Buffy, this is Ted, Ted Buchanan."
Ted stepped forward, extending a hand and a friendly smile. "So you're little Buffy Summers! I've been eager to meet you. Your mother has told me so much about you. What does she mean by coming in early? It's late for a school night, isn't it? Did they keep you after classes or something?"
"I-I had tutoring. In history." She paused awkwardly and looked around the kitchen. There was an unfamiliar food smell coming from the stove and Buffy wondered what her mom could be making.
"That's right. We've been helping her," Willow threw in.
"We have?" Xander asked. Willow glared at him and he hurried to correct himself. "We have! Actually, it's been more of a study group. We get together and study and correct each other's mistakes or at least not try to make them any worse. That way, if we screw up on tests and such, we've got at least two other people to blame." Ignoring the two girls' rolled eyes, he sniffed at the air. "Is that pizza I smell?"
"Homemade," Ted replied. "Want to try some? I made plenty. I think there's more than enough to go around. I know how teenagers eat."
"You haven't seen Xander," Willow said. "He's like a vacuum cleaner with legs." Ted and her friends went to the dining room and Buffy sidled up to her mother.
Joyce avoided looking at Buffy for a moment while she scooped up the broken glass. She just knew there were questions coming and her daughter didn't disappoint her.
Buffy cleared her throat. "So, Ted, huh? Where'd you meet him?"
"He sells computer software. He, um, redid my entire system at the gallery, freed up a lot of my time."
"Time to meet new people. And smooch them in my kitchen."
"Excuse me. My kitchen, young lady. Last I checked, I'm the one who pays the bills around here," Joyce retorted, her voice tart. She was feeling guilty, yes, but she was hardly going to let Buffy walk all over her. She relented when she noticed Buffy's tight expression. "He's very nice."
"I guess. I mean, I could hardly tell. I just met him and my first impression was a backside and lips on my mom." She heard a squeal from the living room and paused, peering out at Ted and her friends. Willow had a rapturous look on her face. Either Ted had just sold her on some computer hardware or Xander had pinched her on the butt. Buffy was betting on the former. Xander had a dreamy look on his face as he crammed a mini pizza into his mouth. Buffy wondered why he didn't choke; he practically inhaled the darn thing.
Ted came back in and saw the two Summers's women. "Buffy, I want to apologize. That wasn't how I wanted us to meet. I wanted it to be…perfect. I'm very fond of your mother. I guess that's pretty obvious. I know you're the most important thing in her life, and, well, gosh, that makes you pretty important to me, too."
Joyce Summers drifted closer to the taller man. "Buffy, I really want you to be okay with this."
Ted wrapped his arm around her like it was the most natural thing in the world. "Beg to differ. We really want you to be okay with this."
To Buffy, the stiff smile she was wearing had to be glued onto her face; it felt so tight. "I am. Really."
Joyce smiled dreamily at Ted and Buffy had to fight the urge to throw up. Her mother had such a weird look on her face. She looked so, so, idiotically, foolishly…happy as if Ted were the greatest thing since sliced pizza. The next moment she gave herself a sharp mental kick in the head. Her mother looked happy, really happy, in a way she hadn't since Dad left, since she learned her daughter might die before she got out of college. Who was Buffy to stand in the way of that?
So why did being around Ted give her the heeby jeebies?
__________
The vampire she was pummeling was hardly a challenge. But Buffy didn't let that stop her from punching it repeatedly, slamming its head with a metal trashcan lid and delivering several crippling jabs to the body and knees before finally staking it. She stood up, barely breathing hard from the exertion, and whirled around at the familiar tingling in her gut.
Angel threw up his hands at the sight of Buffy's upraised stake. "Whoa! Easy there, Buffy. It's just me."
"Oh. Right." She lowered the stake and stomped through the park.
Angel fell into step beside her. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing. I just wonder where all the vampires are tonight. I know we racked up major kill points when we crashed the Anointed One's place but you'd think there'd be other demons out there. Xander was right; evil is not even trying any more."
"I meant what's wrong with you. You're unusually…tense. I saw the way you pounded that vampire."
She grinned. "Impressed?"
"Terrified was more like it," he responded dryly. "You were out of control. One false move and he would have gotten you."
She scowled. She really didn't need Angel criticizing her performance. "But he didn't," she snapped. She peered through the darkness as she tried to spot other demons coming her way.
"Come on, Buffy. I know there's something on your mind. Why not tell me what it is?" Angel asked.
As always his soft voice melted her heart. That probing intense stare wasn't helping to keep her thoughts to herself either. Thinking about Ted after he'd left the house had made her seriously PO'd but she couldn't voice what was digging at her without sounding petty. "I—it's silly. Just stupid Buffy nonsense."
"Well, let me be the judge of that. Please, Buffy. You don't like it when I hold things back," Angel reminded her.
"Oh, sure. Rub Buffy's past speeches in her face. Believe me, oh souled one, this is way more serious than gypsy curses. I mean, I thought things were under control with the vampire slayage and even though Kendra threw me for a loop, I took that in stride. So what if the 'one girl in all the world' speech Giles gave me was so much garbage? She came, she slayed, she left, I dealed. Then just when things are settling down—bam! I get hit with more vampires who just come into my life and swarm over my mom with tentacled, squidy arms and try bribing my so-called friends with free upgrades and mini pizzas and it's totally not fair!"
Angel had said nothing only nodded sympathetically. Even as a lad in 18th-century Galway, he'd understood the value of indulging a lady's urge to prattle. Sometimes the surest way to a woman's heart was letting her talk to her heart's content. It was an easy way for a man to seem tender and caring without putting much effort into it.
However, he seriously wanted to get to the bottom of his sweetheart's discontent. But that last sentence threw him a curve ball. "What? What was that about vampires and pizzas?"
Buffy continued, heedless of her baffled boyfriend. "Sure, the pizzas may be great but what do we really know about him?"
"Either I nodded off partway through that speech or I'm missing something. This isn't about vampires, is it?"
She heaved a great sigh of frustration. Where were all the vampires tonight? Buffy knew she wasn't one of the world's greatest thinkers so she could have used an undead punching bag or ten to take out her Ted-anger on. Instead she had to struggle to put her unease in words. "It's about…it's about…"
"Yes?" Angel prompted.
Her shoulders sagged. "My mom's new boyfriend."
Angel's lips twitched but he was careful not to smile in the face of her obvious distress. "Your mother's seeing someone?"
"No! I mean, I think she's seeing him. I don't know how old this thing between her and Ted is."
"That's his name? Ted? What's he like?"
"Mom met him at work and he seems really…okay. But I don't trust him," she added hastily.
"Why not?"
"He's too nice. I don't know anything about him and neither does Mom. But she's inviting him into our home and he could have been a vampire or demon for all she knew."
The vampire could understand Buffy's concern. But he was certain Joyce was sufficiently aware of the Hellmouth and its dangers not to be that careless ever again and he told Buffy this. "You're mother's more careful than that, Buffy. I'm certain she's seen this guy in the daylight if she met him at her job, right?"
She glared at him. "Hey, whose side are you on, anyway?"
"I'm not choosing sides here, Buffy. I'm just wondering if there isn't something else behind this. Maybe you dislike this Ted because you see him as a threat to your happy home, the home you've just managed to make your own after all the difficulties you've been facing."
"That's not it!" Buffy protested.
"Are you sure? You were comparing Ted to vampires, the bane of your existence, a moment ago. You said your mother doesn't really know him. But you didn't really know anything about me when you invited me into your house," Angel reminded her.
"That's right. Use logic on me," she groused. He sounded too close to the mark and she felt compelled to defend herself. "It's just nobody knows anything about Ted and they're falling all over him. Mom's mooning like a teenager and the teenagers are giggling like little kids. You should have heard Willow and Xander going gaga over hard drives and fast foods. It was creepy. I would have thought Xander would be more on the ball after those Incan mummy girl and bug lady disasters."
That was the second time Angel had heard about Xander's involvement with weird creatures. So far nobody had seen fit to enlighten him. "Bug lady? Xander was involved with—?"
"Oops. Save it, Angel. Vamps at ten o'clock. Woohoo!" Buffy spotted a couple of vampires attacking a smooching pair of teens and raced after them. Clenching his teeth in irritation, he jogged effortlessly after her. He was going to hear the tale of Xander Harris's humiliating romantic defeats if he had to shake it out of Buffy himself.
__________
School was unbearable the next day. In spite of the vampire killings, which usually tired her out so that she slept soundly, Buffy was one grouchy little camper. The thought of her mom—her aging-far-too-old-and-over-the-hill-to-be-dating-again mom—locking lips with a stranger had made her toss and turn all night. Thus she was in no mood to listen to Xander and Willow ramble on and on about wonderful Teddy.
"All I'm saying, Buffy, is that you could have at least tried those pizzas! I thought I'd died and gone to Heaven!" Xander sighed and smacked his lips.
"I can't believe you'd be won over by cheese toppings, Xander. I'd think you of all people would be more careful. Aren't you the guy who was doped up by a mantis lady and her drugged cocktails?"
"It was only one martini and that hit me right away. Those pizzas were hours ago and I'm feeling just fine, thank you." Xander let out a belch. When the two girls "ewwed" and moved away from him pointedly, he said, "I'll have you know that was breakfast. Pop Tarts can be really burpifying on an empty stomach."
"What have you got against Ted, Buffy? He seemed an okay guy for an adult. Not as stuffy as Giles…" Willow ventured.
"Or as dead as Deadboy," Xander finished. He never lost an opportunity to take a swipe at Angel if he could help it.
"Guys, I'm just saying that we don't know him. It's too soon to be given him all our love, trust and support," Buffy pointed out. "I mean, so far all I see is someone who apparently has a good job, seems nice and polite and my mother really likes him."
Xander rolled his eyes. "Oh, yeah. He's a real monster, all right."
Willow tried to get to the heart of Buffy's worry. "Are you sure you're not just going into Sigmund Freud territory, Buffy? You know, separation anxiety, the mother figure being taken away, conflict with the father figure…"
"Except he's not my father," Buffy said with a frown.
"Someone's got parental issues, someone's got parental issues…" Xander chanted in a singsong voice.
"You shouldn't throw stones, Xander," Willow murmured with a pointed stare. Xander's chant came to an abrupt halt and a shadow passed over his face. Buffy didn't notice as she pondered the problem of Ted.
"Guys, I'm usually good at sensing when something's not right and I'm telling you there's an offness about him. He's giving me a creepy vibe."
Xander's eyes widened as the man in question came down the school stairs behind Buffy. "Ted!"
Buffy blinked at the interruption. "Of course, Ted. Who'd you think I was talking about?"
Xander waved crazily at the computer salesman. "Hi, Ted! Ted, who's here."
Buffy spun around, too startled by his appearance on her turf to be polite. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm updating the software in the guidance department. Which reminds me." He pulled Willow aside and handed her several disks from his pocket. "These are the upgrades I promised."
Willow's eyes lit up like green sparklers and she let out another excited squeal. Xander winced. "Willow, please. Somewhere dogs are howling."
"I'm sorry. It's just so good to get nice things on the Hell…that is high school," she covered as both Xander and Buffy shot her identical "shut up" looks.
"Buffy, I want to apologize again for last night. It must have been hard for you to see your mother and me like that and I want to give us a chance to get to know each other better under better circumstances. How do you feel about miniature golf?"
Miniature golf? As a sport, she ranked that right down there with tiddlywinks and foosball. She opened her mouth to refuse when Ted continued, running roughshod over her unspoken protests. "I'll fix a picnic basket."
Xander grinned. "With more of those pizzas?"
"They're not so much afternoon snacks. I was thinking ham and cheese sandwiches with pickles, homemade potato chips and home baked chocolate chip cookies."
"Chocolate chip cookies? Count me in," Xander said, his enthusiasm for Ted's home cooking get the better of his judgment. "When's this little outdoorsy shindig?"
"Your mother was thinking we could go on Sunday and make a day of it. Whaddaya say, Buffy?"
Willow danced up and down a little, her enthusiasm carrying her away. "Oh, let's. Please, Buffy?"
"Actually, I had something else planned for Sunday," Buffy stammered.
"Something else?" Ted frowned slightly. "Like what?"
"Like…a date! Yeah, I'm spending the time with my boyfriend. Sorry, we rarely get time to ourselves so I can't afford to cancel. I'll just have to take a rain check, Ted!" Buffy gave him a brilliant smile and was about to leave when the salesman's thoughtful voice stopped her.
"Joyce didn't mention that you had a boyfriend. Is it possible for me to meet him?" Ted asked.
"Meet? Don't you think it's too soon for meetings? I mean, mom only met him a few weeks ago and you just showed up in my life last night. I don't think you're in the parental role of meeting and greeting my significant other just yet."
"Beg to differ. I told you, Buffy. You're important to your mother and so you're important to me. I see no reason why your boyfriend and I shouldn't be acquainted. Invite him to join us on Sunday."
"Um, n-no can do. He sleeps during the day and works at night. Also, he's kinda shy." Xander snorted at that. Buffy paid him no attention.
"Really? Then maybe we should just forget about the miniature golf and your boyfriend can join us for Sunday dinner."
Buffy's face stretched in a tight smile again. "Swell."
__________
Buffy's feet dragged as she walked home. She'd tried to delay this as long as possible. [Me. My mom. My mom's boyfriend and my undead boyfriend. Ho boy.] If the thought of the upcoming meeting between her mom's squeeze and hers made her this tense, then she would need serious unwinding after it. The demons of Sunnydale were going to be in for a rough night of it.
Angel drifted out of the shadows in his stealthy way and she smiled without turning her head. She was always able to sense him now, a weird buzzing that said "vampire" but was subtly different from other members of the undead. She glanced at him critically. His attire was slightly more formal with a black shirt under his coat but otherwise he didn't appear much different than usual. She glanced at the bouquet in his hand and smiled. "Is that for me?"
He looked embarrassed. "Uh, no. It's for your mother."
Her eyes widened. "You mean you're hitting on my mom, too? Boy, she's getting all the action around here. And everyone else wonders why I'm so testy lately."
Angel smiled at the fake hurt in her tone. "Seriously, Buffy. I thought your mother would like them. Plus it'd be a nice gesture. It looks better than arriving empty-handed."
They were a block away from the house at 1630 Revello Drive and Buffy heaved a shaky breath. "I-it's not too late to turn back, you know. I can always make an excuse like you got sick or broke an ankle or…"
"It'll be okay, Buffy. You told your mother to take down and hide all the mirrors, right?"
"Yep. You sure you can handle the eating thing?" she asked.
"Relax. I told you; vampires can eat human food. We just don't get any nourishment from it. I'll be fine. I may have to throw up in the bathroom, though."
"Yikes. Really?" Seeing a sly grin flitting around his mouth, she swatted him on the arm. "Ha. Funny."
Angel was the soul of politeness and at another time Joyce would have appreciated the in-joke. Yet she couldn't help but remember that this was a vampire. The fact that Angel looked so normal was more bothersome than if he'd had horns or a tail. It was as if he was practicing a kind of deception. How many such creatures had she blithely passed in the streets at night without realizing what they were? How could she let something like that be familiar with her daughter?
Angel didn't display any of that familiarity this evening, thank goodness. He smiled at Buffy and their hands brushed a couple of times but affectionate displays were kept to a minimum. She couldn't help contrasting him with Ted, though. Ted with his wholesome, all-American, good-guy, ordinary looks and grace was a model boyfriend and she was feeling less guilty about having him around.
"So, Angel. What is it you do, exactly?" Ted refused to sit down to the table, busying himself with bustling back and forth to the kitchen to bring food to the table—and a new question with each plate.
"I'm a research assistant for Mr. Giles, Buffy's librarian," Angel said, his tone smooth. Angel, Buffy and Joyce had decided this was the perfect cover story. It would explain Angel's closeness to Buffy and her friends, how they met and his "shyness." It would make sense that someone who worked in a library would be a bookworm and awkward with people.
Ted set a tray of biscuits on the table. "That sounds fascinating. I've always wished I were more book literate myself. Nice way to learn about the world without having to bother with pesky traveling. What kind of software do you use?"
Angel looked at Ted uncertainly. "Excuse me? Software?"
"You must do your cataloging on a computer somewhere. What system do you use?"
Buffy spoke up before Angel could make a major blunder. "Uh, they don't really need computers for what they do. Giles tends to keep it low tech."
Ted wagged his finger at Angel. "That's a rather backward attitude to take. Here, take my card in case your Mr. Giles wants to come into the 20th century." Ted pressed the small rectangle into Angel's palm. Buffy's gaze sharpened as she saw the business card but Ted missed her and Angel's wordless exchange. "So, what kind of research do you do?"
"Arcane things, mostly. The study of old languages, translation of obscure texts, cataloging of esoteric books—those sorts of things. These are great biscuits, by the way, Mrs. Summers," Angel added. He'd actually only taken a little of the food. Anything other than blood tasted like cardboard to his vampire taste buds. He merely hoped to deflect the conversation into a safe area.
"I'd love to take the credit. But Ted actually baked them," Joyce said with a deferential smile. "In fact, he cooked everything you see on this table. He's a wonderful cook." She sighed and resumed eating her food with gusto.
"Really? I'm impressed, Ted. They're very good," Angel murmured.
"Well, when you've been a lonely bachelor as long as I've been, learning to cook is a necessity. Speaking of bachelors, I imagine a strapping fellow like you has no problem with the ladies," Ted hinted.
Angel didn't allow a single sign of unease to cross his face. "Not really. They're interested at first. Then I tell them what I do for a living and how little money I make at it and their eyes practically glaze over. The next thing I know, they're turning away and talking to some guy who says he's in the stock market or practicing law."
Ted chuckled. "Ouch. I guess I'm lucky to be in computers. Everybody's into those. But I wouldn't have thought a research assistant would be somebody to catch Buffy's eye."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Buffy snapped. She realized how hostile she sounded when her mother frowned at her.
But Ted took it in his stride. "Well, your mother tells me you're not really a scholastic girl. You prefer hanging out with your other young friends." Ted placed a slight emphasis on the word "young." "You just don't seem the bookworm type. So I'm wondering how someone as youthful and pretty as you winds up with an older man who prefers dusty, musty old books as company."
"Angel's not that old," Buffy replied defensively.
"Beg to differ. You're only 16, right? And Angel's, what, 22, 23? I know a six-year gap isn't much. But you two seem poles apart. I'm just wondering how the two of you could get together like this."
"Well, Ted, you know how it is. It's that whole 'opposites attract' thing. Look at you and mom. She's into old stuff like antiques, Kabuki masks, Renaissance-y art and, and, other kinds of art. And you're about reboots and computer upgrades and all those Bill Gates-y modern-day geeky, I mean, tech-y things. Where's the connection? And yet, here you are, feeding us homemade biscuits." Buffy waved at the dinner, which she'd barely touched, and managed a feeble grin.
The computer salesman wasn't to be put off. "We're two adults. You're still a child, Buffy."
[A child? This child could kick your ass into the next street, buddy.] Buffy opened her mouth to snap out a retort when Joyce spoke up.
"You know, Ted's right, Buffy," she said calmly as she buttered another roll. "No offense, Angel. But you are a bit old for her." Joyce gave him a pointed stare before she took a bite out of her doughy treat.
Buffy's face went pale as she stared at her mother. "H-he is? But, Mom, Angel's different. He's not like other guys. You know that."
Ted chimed in. "Of course he would seem special to you, Buffy. However, even you must admit it's a little worrisome to see a man of his age with a minor. Maybe I'm being old fashioned. But there should be rules for dating girls your age. If you were my daughter—"
"But I'm not. So let's not go rushing things, Ted." Buffy knew she was being unfriendly but it was getting impossible to be decent towards this guy. She leaned pointedly towards her mother. "Mom, may I be excused? I've got—homework and studying to do."
"Why'd you leave it so late?" Ted asked, his eyebrows raised.
Buffy shrugged. "I wanted to keep my weekend clutter free. So sue me." She stood up from the table and practically ran to her room. Angel followed and caught up to her at the bottom of the stairs.
"Buffy, I think you're right about this Ted guy," he muttered, pitching his voice low so as not to catch his attention.
Her expression turned fiercely triumphant. "Aha! I knew it. He's a demon, isn't he?"
Angel's face was a study in caution and confusion. "No. I don't think so."
"But…? There's a but, isn't there? I can see it in your face."
"I can hear a heartbeat. But it's too regular. It doesn't fluctuate even the slightest bit. His body heat's at least a couple of degrees below what I'd call human temperature. He also doesn't smell."
Buffy couldn't hide her disappointment. "That's it? He's got no B.O. and he's running a low temp? I was hoping for something a little more on the solid-y side, Angel."
"I'm not talking about a stink. There's no distinct human smell about him. No soap, no aftershave, no hair care products, no human aroma at all. He doesn't project any emotions either. Somehow my inner senses are telling me he's not what he seems."
"Okay, so your vampy senses are tingling. That's not enough to go on." Buffy heard stirring in the living room. "I'd better get to my room. Meet me later." She kissed him once and darted quickly up the stairs. Once there, she packed for patrol although she never felt less like doing so. Would Ted stay with her mother while she was out? Would she come back from patrol and walk in on more kissing? Her stomach roiled when she thought about it. Pausing, she picked up her phone and called Willow.
"Willow? Hey, it's me." She listened with half an ear to the talk on the other end. "How'd things go? Not great. Ted got snitty defending my honor against my child-molesting boyfriend and my mom suddenly does a one eighty on me and decides Angel's not fit to be with me. It's like my boyfriend's suddenly no good now that she's got Peter Perfect. I mean, she's been jawing my ear off about Ted all week. 'Ted's so nice.' 'Ted wants to take us on a museum trip.' 'Ted's seen so much of the world. He wants to go with us to Montana!' I tell you, Wills, if I heard anything more about Ted, I was going to throw up."
She paused and listened to the gabble on the other end. "Angel? Well, he said he's not getting any human scent off him." There was a shorter pause. "No, Ted's not a demon but he isn't actually of the human species either. Can you run a background check on him?" She read the information off the business card Angel had slipped to her. "Yeah. Look into his record with his company and check for parking tickets, outstanding warrants for his arrest—you know, something juicy like that. Thanks, Wills. I'm heading out to patrol."
She hung up the phone and halted, a sliver of ice sliding down her spine. She'd felt…for a moment she was certain she was being watched. She shot a glance towards the window but there was no one there. Then she walked as quietly to her door as she could and yanked it open. A quick peek into the hallway revealed no one and, after a moment's hesitation, she closed the door.
__________
Willow's fingers tapped swiftly over the keys as she pulled up files on Ted. There was nothing much on him at work. He was indeed registered as an employee at the company stated on his business card so no surprises there. She'd have to go digging a little deeper.
After half an hour, she was ready to give up. Darn, if this Ted Buchanan didn't lead a boring life. No outstanding parking tickets, bad credit records, bounced checks, unpaid utility bills, speeding tickets—not even so much as an overdue library book. She sat back and huffed, her fingers tapping on the desk.
Maybe Buffy was just being paranoid. He was a nice guy. But Angel had felt something off about him and Angel had been right about Billy Fordham. Yet so far there'd been nothing on Ted. So maybe she was looking in the wrong direction. Instead of searching for crimes, maybe she should just check out something completely ordinary…
Struck by an idea, Willow managed to hack into tax records. They were the boring but usual pieces of information, the sort of things that civilians always forgot about after awhile. Several files were pulled up. Willow idly looked at the spaces for marital status and her eyes widened. She went through different years and they all said the same thing. She snatched up the phone and hurriedly punched in Buffy's number. "Buffy? Buffy, are you there?" There was no answer but maybe Buffy was still on patrol. She guessed this news could wait; it wasn't going anywhere.
__________
Xander and Willow were arguing strenuously. Actually, only Willow was feeling the strain. Xander thought she was being way too tense about things and since when was being previously married a crime anyway? Willow was just about to argue the point when they saw Buffy slumped on a school bench staring listlessly at the ground. Willow ran up to her while Xander trailed behind, blissfully munching on a cookie.
"Buffy, there you are! You were right about Ted. I pulled up these files and found out he's been married like…" She trailed off as she noticed her friend's listless posture. "Buffy, a-are you all right? I tried calling you about this last night but nobody picked up the phone."
"Huh? Oh, I was either out patrolling or being arrested. Take your pick," she muttered.
"Being…?" Xander blinked and swallowed a mouthful of cookie. "Okay, either the sugar's gone to my head or she said something about being arrested. Or was that tested? You thinking about the upcoming test in history, Buff? Chill. Don't sweat it. Everything's going to be…"
"Xander, will you quit saying that!" Willow snapped. Honestly, what was wrong with him today? He didn't act as if he was interested in anything except those darned cookies. "Buffy, what's wrong?"
The blonde Slayer lifted her head and Willow was sobered by the blank shock and horror that was stamped on her face. "I killed Ted."
__________
Joyce had called in sick to work without giving them the reason. It seemed obscene to work after what had happened. How could Buffy have done it? She'd seen the horror on her daughter's face as Joyce leaned over Ted's lifeless body. It hadn't been intentional; she wanted to believe that. But how could she given Buffy's unrelenting assault on him right in front of her?
Joyce felt tears sting her eyes and dashed them angrily away. She could feel strange tremors throughout her body and her hands were shaking slightly…understandable given the circumstances.
She should have talked more with Buffy about this; she should have said something before Buffy walked in on her kissing another man. Wasn't this very behavior what she'd been chastising her daughter for—hiding things until people learned the truth the hard way? Buffy hadn't been able to cope with the sudden revelation that her mother was a sexual person like anybody else and this was the result.
Joyce shook her head and stood up shakily. No, that was a terrible thing to think. It made it sound as if Buffy's attack on Ted had been premeditated, that her little girl had planned on killing this man and she refused to believe that.
The older Summers woman looked at the bottom of the stairs and shuddered. She could still see Ted's body lying there, lifeless and broken from his fall. Her daughter's white face loomed before her as she heard herself once more scream that Buffy had killed him. True, it had been in the heat of the moment but she'd never forget the wounded, hollow look in the eyes of her only child.
They'd said nothing else to each other as Joyce had called an ambulance or when the Detective Stein had questioned her about Ted's supposed attack. The detective had been skeptical about Buffy's statement that Ted had assaulted her and Joyce understood Buffy's frustration that her daughter couldn't reveal the truth about her miraculous healing abilities. She had glimpsed the bruises on Buffy's face but they hadn't registered and, by the time the police had shown, the black and blue marks had vanished as if they'd never been.
Joyce had backed her daughter. She'd only seen the end of the fight, when Buffy had repeatedly hit Ted, and wasn't sure events had happened as Buffy had claimed. Yet, in the police station, she had taken her daughter's side. She'd been running on autopilot and confirming Buffy's side of the story had been automatic. Now she was secretly wondering if that had been the right thing to do.
It was odd—after the initial shock, she had been curiously numb and distant as if she couldn't summon the energy to be grief-stricken or sick. That was a natural reaction, she supposed. However, the lethargy had worn off by the time they came home. Buffy had sunk into herself and Joyce had found herself worrying about the grim silence. Where were the explanations, the remorse? Was Buffy even sorry that she'd taken a life? When Buffy trudged up the stairs, Joyce had asked, "Where are you going?"
"I-I'm going out—t-to patrol. I can't stay here in this house, m-my room. I have to get out of here."
"No, Buffy. You shouldn't be out, not in your frame of mind. Why don't you get Angel to…"
"I can't call him. He doesn't have a phone," Buffy replied, tiredly.
"He doesn't? Well, then, call the others. Surely they can fill in for you."
"And what excuse do I give? 'Guys, I'm not in the mood for slayage on account of I killed somebody?' I can't tell them that—not yet." Buffy hugged herself hard. When Joyce looked closer, she could see that Buffy was shivering.
"I still don't think you should go out."
"Why not? I already did. That's how Ted and I got into a fight," Buffy muttered.
"You were patrolling? I thought you were doing your homework."
"That's what I told him. Couldn't tell him the truth, could I? When I came back he was in my room reading my diary."
"Is that why you attacked him? Because he was going through your things?" Joyce said. She realized a second later how cold this sounded.
Buffy's lips thinned as she reacted to the implied and overt accusation. "I didn't attack him. He talked about taking it and showing it to you, about getting me locked up in a psych ward. He meant to use it as a trick to get me away from you so the two of you could get together without me in the picture."
"He was going to do that?" That didn't sound like the Ted she knew. "But what was—" Joyce stopped as she considered what Buffy would have written about to make her sound like a candidate for the loony bin. "The slaying. That's what's in your diary?"
"Mostly, yeah."
That still didn't explain how she'd wound up throwing Ted down a flight of stairs. "But I know all about that! It wouldn't have made any difference if he'd shown it to me."
"I know. It-it's just…" Buffy paused and drew a deep breath. "He talked about having me sent away and he was touching my th-things. When he tried to take my diary, I told him he wasn't leaving with it and when I grabbed him—"
"You grabbed him? I thought you said he attacked you!" Buffy hadn't told her this and she hadn't mentioned it to the detective either.
"He did! He told me to let go, I refused a-and then he smacked me across the room. Really hard. Way too hard for somebody human," Buffy added.
Joyce's gaze sharpened. "Human? Buffy, what are you talking about?"
"It's something Angel said. He said Ted doesn't have any human smell to him or any emotions. He was getting this non-human vibe from him all evening."
"Non-? Buffy, are you serious? What are you trying to tell me? That Angel found out Ted's some kind of demon?"
"N-no. Angel just thought he was off. I'd been feeling that, too, and, after being a Slayer for so long, I've learned to trust my instincts," Buffy said. She tried to sound sure of herself but she knew she wasn't pulling it off.
"Really? Because he seemed mortal and frail enough to me after you threw him—" Seeing Buffy's stricken look, Joyce wiped her hand over her face. "Why didn't you just call for help?"
"I-I thought I could handle it, that Ted wasn't…I didn't expect him to try to steal from me or hit me! It just threw me that he was in my room at all." What Buffy couldn't tell her was that Ted had overheard her talking to Willow about investigating him, that his rummaging through her things and reading of her diary had been an attempt to get dirt on her like she was trying to dig up on him. Without that part of the story, everything pointed to Buffy as the bad guy here. "Mom, don't you get it? He hit me first and then he was smacking me around the room…"
"So that was true?" Joyce ventured.
Buffy gaped at her. "You thought I was lying about that? Mom, he tried to kill me!"
"Buffy, all I saw was that you kept on hitting Ted even after I yelled at you to stop. It was like you were in a blind rage. Didn't you hear me?"
"It's…he was hurting me and all of a sudden I was just so pissed off and when things are pounding me, I don't run, scream or s-stop. I just keep on fighting until…" Buffy bit her lip and looked down at the floor.
"Until they're dead," Joyce finished. "But, Buffy, don't you see? Ted wasn't a thing; he was a person. And now he's dead because you couldn't make yourself stop."
__________
Buffy finished talking and for a moment neither of her friends spoke. Then Willow asked, "What did you say then, Buffy?"
"Nothing. What could I say? She was right. I was totally out of control. It was like all I could think of was punching in Ted's big fat face."
"Oh, man. This is such a downer. It's totally wrecking my morning happy," Xander said gloomily. He fished out another cookie and Willow swatted it out of his hand. "Hey, watch it! I was gonna to eat that!"
"Xander, how about focusing on real emotional pain, here?" She turned to the dejected girl. "Buffy, you're being too hard on yourself. Doesn't your mother get that Ted started it?" Willow asked.
Buffy shook her head. "That defense only works in six-year-old court, Will."
"But you're not guilty! You didn't set out to kill this guy! It was self-defense. You said he was in your room, going through your things. That's invasion of privacy and, and, so not right!"
"Sorta like what you were doing to him, Willow? That's still no excuse for punching him over and over and knocking him down a flight of stairs." Buffy got up and Willow belatedly remembered what she'd had to tell her.
"Buffy, wait! I found out something on the Internet last night. You've got to see this. Come on, Cookie Monster." She hurried off to the school library while Xander mumbled around another cookie.
"I am in no way like the Cookie Monster. For one thing, I have hardly any body hair. Wow, did I just say that out loud?" Xander chuckled while Willow rolled her eyes in exasperation.
Giles was saying goodbye to a strange man when Buffy and the others came up to him. Willow peered after the departing figure. "Giles, who was that?"
"Hmm? Oh, h-he was from the police department. They're going a-around, asking questions about B-Buffy's behavior and all that. N-naturally, I told them…" He ran his hand through his hair, his agitation evident. "Buffy, are you all right?" Seeing the strained expression on her ashen face, he muttered, "Sorry. Silly question, of course."
Willow shooed them all into the library. "Giles, I found out something about Ted. Buffy asked me to do some digging and I came up with these." She spread the sheets onto the library table.
Giles picked up one and examined it. "A marriage license? This is rather innocuous."
"I'll say," Buffy responded. "Or I would if I knew what 'innocuous' meant."
"It means harmless or innocent. In this case, I fail to see what's so terrible about the fact that Mr. Buchanan has been married—" Giles slid his glance over the other papers. "Good Lord. Four times? That's rather excessive, isn't it? Even for an American. And how did you get these any way?"
"I hacked into these files to pull up tax records."
"Oh dear." Giles pulled off his glasses and began the tedious business of polishing them. "More illegal computer activity, I suppose?"
"Uh yeah," Willow replied sheepishly. "Anyway, back to Ted. He's had four marriages and not a single divorce among 'em and the records all show them living at the same address. And Teddy must have married young 'cause the earliest one is in 1957 which makes him really good looking for his age or he was forced into a shotgun marriage when he was, like, six."
"Wonder if that's how he learned how to cook—being exposed to all those womenfolk," Xander responded, taking another bite of cookie.
Willow peered at him. "Xander, do you have food on the brain or something? Buffy's in serious trouble here and our Teddy's turning out to be some kind of serial marrying guy and all you can think about is stuffing your face."
Buffy was equally upset at her friend's uncaring attitude. "Where did you get those things anyway? Your mom's not what I would call Suzy Homemaker."
"Ted gave 'em to me day before yesterday. Said he wanted to make up for lack of picnic taking." Xander took another bite and held one out to Giles. "Cookie, G-man?"
"Xander, I must agree with Willow. Your attitude is hardly appropriate considering Buffy's dilemma," Giles said, a frown creasing his forehead.
"I'm just thinking we should all relax. Our gal Wills is on it. Worrying is not going to solve anything." Xander ruffled Willow's hair.
Willow snatched at the bag of cookies, pulling one out and looking it over thoughtfully. "Buffy, I think you should get back home. The place is crawling with cops and m-maybe you should keep a low profile 'till this all blows over. I need to take these to my chem class." She held up the bag of cookies and Xander grabbed at them, protesting the loss of his sugary, chocolate-y treat.
"Hey, no way! Get your own cookies!"
"Just one then," she amended, keeping hold of her pilfered prize.
"I can't just hole up and hide," Buffy protested. "What about the slaying?"
"I-I can handle that. If Angel is willing, perhaps he could accompany me," Giles added.
"Oh. Good idea. I guess everybody's covered then," Buffy stated morosely.
"Y-yes. Quite. Given the police presence on campus, it would be best if you were to vacate the premises until we've cleared up the enigma of Mr. Buchanan and his multiple marital relationships."
"Whatever you say, G-man—whatever it was you said," Xander replied with a shrug.
Giles spoke with asperity. "What I said was—"
"Relax! Just teasing. Man, you have got to learn to take a joke," Xander responded, noshing on another cookie.
__________
Willow looked surreptitiously into her microscope. She was supposed to be watching the progress of a catalyst but what she was seeing now was far more interesting. Xander scooted over and whispered, "So what have we got?"
"Well, the secret ingredient isn't love. I'm not sure but I think it's Dematorin."
"Demerol?" Xander said. He licked his lips. They felt dry. Maybe he was just craving another cookie. Willow's sharp voice drew him back to the mystery at hand.
"NO. Dematorin. It's a kind of tranquilizer, keeps you all mellow and compliant. It explains Mrs. Summers's happy happy joy joy attitude all week and you practically drooling over Ted."
"You were drooling over him as much as I was!" Willow shushed him and Xander lowered his voice again. "So Ted has been doping us up and playing the Mormon. That is so uncool," Xander whispered back. "What do we do now? Bring this in to the cops?"
"Not sure they'd care. After all, he is the victim. They might not listen about our finding this out now that he's dead. First I want to find out what happened with all those Mrs. Ted Buchanans," Willow whispered. "Those marriage certificates all had the same address on them. I say after school, we take a ride over there and see what's what."
"How do we do that? Giles is going cemetery hopping with tall and lifeless. Where are we gonna get wheels?" Xander returned.
Willow sighed. "Much as I hate the idea, why not ask Cordelia?"
Xander scrunched up his face. "Nuh uh. She's still bitching over her shoe loss and wet seats from when Kendra was here. You'd think somebody died in her car the way she went on."
"So who else should we ask? Jenny Calendar?" Willow asked.
Xander stared at her. "You're brilliant, Wills. I knew you'd come up with something. You're her fave, numero uno student and she knows about the slaying. So you could ask her and we can take off after school."
Willow beamed at the compliment and was about to respond when the teacher noticed their lack of attention and spoke sharply to them. "Ms. Rosenberg. Mr. Harris. Is there something you want to share with the class?"
Xander grinned feebly and held up the bag of forbidden snack treats. "Uh, cookie?"
__________
Joyce poured herself a glass of water and drank thirstily. Her mouth was so dry; for the last few hours she hadn't been able to stay away from the faucet. She wondered if that was the aftereffects of shock kicking in. She hadn't thought they included dehydration.
Buffy had come home mumbling about the cops roaming through the school interrogating the students and faculty. She could just imagine what that rotten Principal Snyder would have told them. But what if they had a point?
She'd never thought of Buffy as being particularly violent. She'd insisted on thinking of her as this tiny, fragile girl who needed her friends and Angel to protect her. Joyce had thought the calling of the Slayer such a cruel one because her daughter and countless other girls throughout the ages were doomed to die young. She'd never considered any adverse effects it might have on Buffy herself other than an early death. But perhaps the slaying had changed her daughter, made her so vicious and dangerous she was capable of taking human life.
Was she a rotten mother for allowing this to continue? She'd asked herself that over and over again since she found out about this, thinking only of the inevitable outcome for Buffy if she permitted her to go on in this eternal struggle against evil. For the first time, she realized the danger Buffy posed to innocent people at large. "Poor Ted," she whispered.
"Joyce," said a familiar voice. Joyce spun around and the glass dropped from her nerveless fingers. For the second time in a week a glass shattered on the kitchen tiles.
Ted stood before her beaming, remarkably whole and well considering his ordeal. "It's so nice to know you care."
She backed up until her back was against the sink. "T-Ted? Y-you're…how is this…?"
He became sober at once. The sad expression after his earlier happy greeting didn't jibe and Joyce wondered if his mind had been affected by the fall. "They said I must've been dead for six minutes. They said any longer and it would've caused brain damage."
"O-of course. That must have been it." [No, Joyce, think!] She'd heard about people being trapped under the ice for an hour who'd been revived. But the brain couldn't survive for more than four minutes without oxygen without incurring severe brain trauma. She'd read that somewhere. There was also no way he could have survived a fall like that if he were an ordinary person and she remembered what Buffy had told her about Ted being other than human. She managed a tremulous smile. "T-this is so wonderful, Ted. But why didn't they tell us?"
"Nobody knew! They took me to the morgue. I was unconscious for almost a day. An intern found me. It's a miracle, Joyce. A miracle." He opened his arms and gathered her to him for a massive bear hug.
Joyce hugged him back, hiding her anxious face against Ted's shirt. His story didn't ring true. He was lying to her and that meant that Buffy had been right in her suspicions. She had to lull him into a false sense of security so she could get Buffy. If Ted was really a monster, she stood no chance against him. "Do you want to sit down? You had a really bad fall. You should rest."
He grinned again and she felt her flesh crawl. "I've never been better! Besides, I've spent a whole day resting. I'm fit as a fiddle and want a little gravy with that?"
Joyce stuttered, "W-what? Ted, I'm concerned about you. Did you let the doctors examine you? You may be concussed or bleeding inside. You really should sit down."
"And you really should stop telling me what to do!" His hands flew to her arms and she gasped as they tightened painfully. "I don't take orders from women! I'm not wired that way!" His face twitched spastically and Joyce could distinctly hear the whirring of—gears?
"All right, Ted. But I'd like a drink. You know, to c-celebrate your return." Joyce smiled again but she could tell she was having no impact on him.
Ted's face went curiously blank as he spoke. "We really should be hitting the road."
"Hitting the road?" Joyce listened in mounting horror as Ted or whatever he was jerkily outlined his plans to spirit her away, how she didn't need to pack because he had everything she'd ever need or want. Oh god, he was some creepy serial killer who abducted women and hid them in a hole somewhere; she just knew it. Buffy had been right not to trust him. And where was Buffy? There was an eerie silence from upstairs and Joyce fought the increasing panic surging inside her.
"Fine. But I'd prefer to pack my own things, Ted. After all, you've known me less than a month. You don't really know my style." She tried to move only to find his grip didn't loosen at all. "Ted, let go, please." When he started pulling her towards the front door, she raised one shoe and dragged it down the entire front of his shin and stomped hard on his instep. Buffy had demonstrated a few basic moves of self defense once she decided her mother could handle it and she had recommended this one as a sure-fire way to cripple an attacker.
Evidently it made little or no impression on a man who'd survived a fall down a flight of stairs. Ted shoved her hard into a wall and she smacked into it and lost consciousness.
"Mom?" The girl's voice was anxious, afraid. Why was she afraid?
"Mom?" The voice became annoyingly loud and the throbbing in her head got worse as the girl continued to needle her. She didn't want to wake up but she knew she'd have to in order to stop that talking.
"Mom, can you hear me?"
Wait, she knew that voice. "Buffy?" Her throat hurt and her voice came out as a dry croak. Her lips were parched, too. She opened her eyes and focused blearily on the fuzzy face she could just make out hovering over her. "Water," she rasped.
"Mom, you're okay!" The voice got louder in its relief and Joyce Summers flinched, both from the light and her daughter's cry.
"Buffy? Oh, my head. What happened?" Suddenly her memory came rushing back and she struggled to sit up. "Ted! He came back…"
"I know. But I think his batteries finally ran down." Her eyes focused on Buffy's face and she followed her daughter's gaze. Lying in a twisted pose was Ted's body. She swallowed as she saw the ruin of his face—metal and wires exposed by ripped flesh, the eyes staring sightlessly at the ceiling.
"Buffy, what—? Is that what I think that is?"
"Yep. Ted was a robo boy. Explains the super strength," Buffy replied matter-of-factly. "But I showed him he's not the only one who knows his way around a skillet." She pointed to the iron saucepan lying on the floor next to him.
"Oh, thank god." Joyce squeezed her hard. "I was going to get you but he grabbed me. He was planning on hiding me away somewhere."
Buffy returned the hug. "I would have found you, Mom. No worries."
Joyce pulled back and stared in her daughter's face. She didn't want to say this but she wanted everything between herself and Buffy to be all right again. "Honey, I'm sorry I doubted you."
"Hey, you didn't know Ted was doing a Terminator deal. Even I didn't see that one coming. Chalk up a new experience for the Slayer," Buffy smirked.
"No, I mean about killing him. I-I thought it was deliberate, that you hated Ted without reason and wanted to…"
"Oh." Buffy didn't know what to say about that. For several hours, she had doubted herself, horrified at what she'd let herself do. Her friends had supported her but that hadn't made her feel any better. The fact that it had turned out all right in the end wasn't necessarily reassuring. Well, if her mom could be confess-y, so could she. "I-I did hate him. But I think I just hated the idea of him. Part of me—a very itty-bitty part—still wants things back the way they were before: you, me, dad, no slaying. But I've accepted the idea that my life has changed. I just expected you to be part of it that didn't. Guess that was pretty selfish of me, huh?"
"Selfish but human. Kids want stability in their lives and parents are supposed to be it." She tilted up Buffy's chin so her daughter had to look her in the face. "But, Buffy, you have to understand. I'm a person just like anybody else. My sex drive didn't just dry up and die when your father and I got divorced. I mean, look at him, jetting around the world with his secretary…"
Buffy held up her hand. "Okay, stop. That's a little too much truth for me in one day. So not wanting to think about my mom and dad getting groin-y with other people."
Her mother smiled and conceded the point. "Well, don't worry about me. I may not date again for a long time—if ever. So what do we do about…?" Joyce gestured at the scrap pile that had been Ted Buchanan and Buffy considered it for a moment.
"Well, we can't bring in Sunnydale's Finest. There is no way we could explain this. But I know one super brainy redhead who'd be just thrilled to have an oversized Ken doll of her very own to play with." The phone in the hall rang and both women jumped. "I'll get that," Buffy said. "Can you get up by yourself?"
"I think so." Joyce tried to stand and then slumped back as the room swayed alarmingly. "Then again, maybe not." Buffy helped to prop up her weight and she'd never been so grateful for her daughter's Slayer strength. She was deposited in a chair in the living room, out of sight of the hateful robot, and Buffy ran to answer the phone. Joyce rested her head wearily on her arm and hoped Buffy remembered to get the water.
Buffy came walking back in, a full glass in her hand. "Mom, that was Willow. You will never guess what she and Xander found out."
"Is it better than our surprise?" Joyce said wryly, pausing to sip from her glass.
"Not quite but it explains a few things. Seems our Ted here isn't the original."
"You mean there's another version out there?" Joyce asked. The thought that there might be another Tedbot preying on helpless women made her angry and terrified at once. Would it come after her as this one had?
"No, an original as in the human version. He died ages ago. He was sickly and his wife left him. I'm thinking he figured it was 'cause he wasn't good enough. So he must have built himself a better, stronger upgrade: Ted 2.0. After the real Ted Buchanan died, this one decided to get his wife back…only it kept on doing it over and over again."
Joyce took another sip before she spoke again. "Yes, Ted said that I left him but he kept bringing me back. He said a husband and wife is forever."
Buffy screwed her face up. "I guess they weren't big on divorce or desertion in the 1950s when Teddy #1 got hitched. Brings a whole new meaning to 'till death do us part.' "
"Goodness. The 1950s? And this Ted has been doing this since then?"
Buffy nodded. "They found his cozy little love nest—complete with the bodies of his other four wives."
Joyce's mouth went dry again and she took a big gulp of liquid. "How soon can Willow get here so we can get rid of that thing?"
"They're zipping back as we speak. They called from a fast food place. Evidently, they had to stop for Slushies because Xander is suffering from a serious case of dry mouth. Seems the Tedbot was slipping a little something extra into everybody's food to make them his willing zombie slaves. Parchedness is one of the side effects."
"So that's it!" Joyce looked at her nearly empty glass of water and grimaced. "That bastard. Well, that makes me feel a little better for being so blind about him. Not much but a little." She finished the water and set the glass down on the table. "Guess I'd better throw out that lasagna he brought over earlier this week. And the brownies. And the cupcakes. And the noodle surprise."
"Wow, for a man who hated the idea of being bossed around by women, he sure had a joneses for cooking, didn't he?" Buffy commented.
"Well, how else was he going to drug us? But I'm afraid that leaves us with nothing to eat until I'm steadier on my feet."
"That's okay. Just sit back and I'll make us something."
Joyce recalled some of her daughter's previous cooking fiascos and restrained herself from shuddering. "No. You know what? Not really hungry. What say we just sack out on the couch and watch TV? Or maybe we can rent a video?" She stood more carefully this time and was relieved to see the room stayed in one place.
"TV viewage it is. Whaddaya want to see?"
"Nothing with horror. Or romance. Or men," Joyce stated with emphasis.
"That doesn't leave much 'cept maybe cartoons. And Xena Warrior Princess," Buffy added reflectively.
"Girl-on-girl bonding. Even better. Bring on the flying chakrams."
TBC