Author's Note: Hello all! I realize this last chapter took a rather long time in coming- sorry! I wanted to let you all know that I am now having this story beta read by the fantastic Kia, so while chapters might be a bit slower coming out, they will hopefully be of higher quality. We can all hope, right? Now, to respond to issues from reviews- and huge thanks to all who have reviewed!
Cygna-hime - I actually considered making Muerno a Ravenclaw- tried to, in fact, but he insisted that he was a Slytherin, and I wasn't to put him anywhere else. What could I do? *shrugs* I completely agree with you, though- of course Slytherins aren't the only cruel or prejudiced people, and I never intended to make it seem that I thought that.
NightSpear - Thanks for pointing out those mistakes! I'll get around to fixing them eventually, I swear. Peter isn't really meant to be like Neville- I happen to be very fond of Neville, and have trouble writing Peter nicely because I really hate him. I'll be developing his character more in the future.
EloraCooper4 - I'm afraid that Caradoc Dearborn isn't mine, which is a shame, because I really like him. He's actually a future member of the Order of the Phoenix who meets a sad end. Poor guy.
Again, enormous thanks to all of you for reviewing! Please, please continue to do so. The next chapter really should be up in a few days- it's at the beta's right now! The Welsh chapter title today means "Desires". :)
Disclaimer: I don't own MWPP, Hogwarts, Dumbledore, Snape, Hallowe'en, the moon...actually, I own very very little. I don't claim to own any of that good stuff (sigh), and I'm making no money off of this.
Chapter 5. Dymuniad
Remus shivered as he climbed out of bed and his feet hit the stone floor. Hogwarts could be very cold, and now that it was almost November, Remus often found himself wishing for heavier robes. It was October 31st, and he had been living at Hogwarts for almost two full months; he had endured two transformations during his time at school. In fact, his next transformation would be in two days time. Remus shuddered at the thought. He had been transforming every full moon for the past six and a half years, and it never got any easier. He gave a small sigh as he thought about the upcoming full moon; what would he tell his friends this time?
The first full moon had fallen only a few days after he arrived at Hogwarts; with no time to prepare an excuse, he allowed his friends to believe he had just been ill and had to stay in the Hospital Wing. Madam Pomfrey had gladly assisted him in convincing them of the truth of his story. The second full moon, he had told them that his mother had gotten very ill, and that he had to go home to visit her. They were all very sympathetic, in fact, going so far as to send Mrs. Lupin a "Get Well Soon" card by owl the day he left; she had written to Remus about it, quite amused. It had actually been her idea for him to claim she was ill, so he had no fear of her revealing anything to the other boys.
Remus considered. Perhaps he could just claim she was sick again? But how many times would that excuse work? He had no doubt that they would indeed figure out what he was, eventually, and then he would probably have to leave Hogwarts, but he wanted to delay that time for as long as he could. Maybe he would just claim to be ill again; they wouldn't doubt it, as he always got quite tired and feverish before moonrise.
Remus heard James roll over a few beds away; he turned from where he was sitting at his desk, studying his Potions text to look at his friend. James sat up, shoving his hand through his hair, trying to push it out of his eyes as he looked around blearily. His expression lit up as he evidently remembered something.
"It's Hallowe'en!" James said, grinning at Remus. Remus smiled back slightly. James bounded from his bed, and dashed over to wake Sirius. "Hey, Sirius, wake up! It's Hallowe'en!"
James and Sirius had been looking forward to Hallowe'en for as long as they had been at Hogwarts, James' father had apparently told the boys stories of the fabulous feast held every year, and they had decided that the feast would be the ideal opportunity to pull off their first really big prank. Unfortunately, they had no idea what they were going to do. Peter was in favor of setting off a multitude of Dungbombs, but the others felt this plan lacked the complexity and subtlety of a truly good prank. Sirius favored enchanting the Slytherins' food to make them all look like pumpkins, but Remus had been forced to point out that they didn't actually know any spells that would produce the desired result. James had some vague notions of an incredibly complicated prank involving broomsticks, several illegal potions and a couple of Blast-Ended Skrewts. None of the boys had any hope of this plan succeeding, though, so they had decided to lay it aside for a while, until they had more time to plan it thoroughly.
As a result, they had arrived at Hallowe'en without any firm idea of what prank they were going to pull, but James and Sirius were not in the least discouraged by this. They assured Peter and Remus that they would think of something before the feast that night, and so the four proceeded to breakfast unconcernedly.
The group dynamics had been established early on, and seemed now to be set in stone. James and Sirius were definitely the leaders of the little gang of troublemakers; they came up with the ideas and motivations for the pranks the four loved to play. The two of them had already spent more time in detention than all of the other students in their whole year put together. Peter was, to put it bluntly, a bit of a tag along. He had developed a sort of hero-worship complex where James was concerned. He had his uses to be sure- distractions, mostly, but he would also gladly help with research for spells they needed.
Remus was the brains of the group, in a sense; he wasn't smarter than James or Sirius, but he was far more practical, and could spot the flaws in their plans very quickly. Remus conducted most of the research that needed to be done, and it had been firmly established that he was the one who would cover for the group to the teachers. They had discovered after playing their first prank that Remus could lie point blank to almost any adult and get away with it. He just looked so innocent and small and frail and defenseless, as Sirius said, laughing with glee, that no adult could help but melt when he looked up at them with huge guiltless eyes.
There were, of course, several noticeable exceptions to this rule. Professor Muerno was chief among them; he faulted Remus for breathing, and took points off him at any time he could. Professor Baltazor, the Potionsmaster, also seemed to dislike him, although he was much more subtle about it; Remus didn't think his friends had even noticed. Baltazor didn't do much to signal his dislike, but he did allow the Slytherins with whom they shared Potions lessons to get away with anything where Remus was concerned. If any other Gryffindor student was involved, Baltazor was equally strict with members of both houses, but if a Slytherin happened to sabotage Remus' potion, the incident was ignored completely.
All in all, though, Remus was shocked to see how well the staff at Hogwarts had responded to him. He had honestly expected that all of the instructors would hate him for what he was, and that he would be treated as he had been by all adults except his parents ever since he had been bitten- exactly the way Muerno acted around him. True, Professor McGonagall was a bit stiff around him- wary was closer to the mark, but she attempted to act normally, and was perfectly equitable in her treatment of him. Professor Binns had yet to get his name right in class, even though Remus was the only student who did not sleep through his lectures. Professor Berch, the Herbology teacher, was quite nice, and Professor Fiato in Astronomy was always extremely kind. The Charms teacher, little Professor Flitwick, seemed to genuinely like Remus, who responded in kind; Charms was one of his favorite classes.
"So, we've got Defense this morning, and then Potions, then Herbology." Peter said, speaking a bit indistinctly through a mouthful of food. James and Sirius grimaced in dislike, while Remus tried very hard not to. All four boys hated Defense Against the Dark Arts now because of Muerno and his ill-treatment of Remus. Well, Remus wouldn't actually say he hated DADA; true, he dreaded being in the same room with the Professor, but he found the subject fascinating, and always had. Remus was very good at it, too- despite his immense hatred of the little werewolf, Muerno was forced to consistently give Remus exceptional grades in his classwork. Remus secretly delighted in the knowledge that he, a proclaimed Dark Creature, was the top student in the class.
"I'm telling you, Remus, we should set off some Dungbombs under his desk." Sirius said, scowling. "He deserves it, the bloody git."
"That won't help anything, Sirius." Remus said, though he too wished to be able to do something to the unpleasant man in retribution. He would never do it, though- that would be a Very Bad Idea, to be avoided at all costs.
"You're right." James said, grinning brightly. "We need something much worse. We'll think of something eventually, I swear."
"And Hagrid's asked us to tea this afternoon after classes, don't forget!" Peter said.
"Right." Sirius said. 'We've got a full day then, haven't we? And not much time to plan our prank for tonight. Everyone needs to be thinking hard about it." They all agreed, and proceeded in silence, purportedly in deep thought, to Defense class.
The class went well enough; they were beginning a study on Dark Creatures, and discussed Red Caps. Remus was surprised when Muerno announced this; usually Dark Creatures were not studied until third year, but when Muerno's eyes gleamed evilly as he made eye contact with Remus, he understood. They were studying Dark Creatures early because of him; they would reach werewolves near the end of the semester. He swallowed nervously as he thought of what might happen at that time- surely then James and Sirius and Peter would figure him out.
It was his greatest fear, that they would discover his awful secret and hate him for it; they would abandon him, and he would have to leave Hogwarts. Dumbledore had promised that he would use Memory Charms on students to protect Remus' secret, but he had decided that he would not allow his friends' memories to be altered. Too much could go wrong when you were messing with the mind, and he would not risk it. No, better to be expelled, sent home after only one year of schooling; it was more than he had ever expected to be allowed anyway. Remus felt slightly ill, though, as he morosely considered having to leave Hogwarts, go who knows where- and worst of all, he would have lost his friends. That thought was enough to nearly bring him to tears. He had become so close to the other boys, it was as though they were brothers. If- no, when he lost them, it would be like losing the better portion of himself; he could better part with an arm or leg than any of them. It would be his heart he was losing.
Not that he didn't have other things to worry about. He was extremely concerned for his parents. They were on a very dangerous mission, working as Aurors on some top secret project with Dumbledore. Remus knew that the chances of them being killed were quite high; when he said goodbye to them at the Hogwarts Express in September, they all knew very well that they might never see each other again. And of course, having Romulus attending the same school he was in was extremely nerve wracking. He doubted that his brother would be foolish enough to try to harm him under Dumbledore's nose, but he still kept a close lookout for any attack. As for the other thing that he had to worry about- his transformations, one upcoming- they were perhaps what should frighten him most.
It was truly terrible, transforming. The pain he felt was intense, excruciating; he had read somewhere that the only pain rivaling that of a werewolf transformation was that inflicted by the Cruciatus Curse. Remus felt a huge amount of pity for any who had experienced that torture, if that was true; he would never wish that pain on any other living creature. Perhaps worse that the pain, though, was the way his mind was lost to that of the wolf every time. He thought he could have handled the pain, but when he could feel his sanity, his consciousness slipping away from him, he felt a despair beyond his ability to bear. That was what caused him to dread the night of the full moon, beyond anything else.
"Remus? Hey Remus!" Sirius was calling to him, interrupting his thoughts. He saw, with a small start, that Defense class was over, though he was still mechanically copying the last of his notes for the class. He always managed to do that, setting his hand on autopilot while he thought, and finding that he had copied all of the notes he needed without consciously hearing the teacher. It was a useful ability sometimes. He finished his writing, put his notes in his bag, and stood to join his friends, who had been waiting quite patiently.
The four hurried to Potions class. Unfortunately, several students were absent due to a mild epidemic of Dragon Pox that seemed to be going through the school, and Professor Baltazor ended up changing their normal partnering arrangements. James and Sirius he allowed to continue working together as they always did, but Peter was told to work with a sharp faced Slytherin girl whose name Remus did not know.
"Mr. Lupin." Baltazor said, in tones of utmost boredom. "You will work with Mr. Snape."
Severus Snape was an unpleasant, creepy, slimy little Slytherin oddball, according to Sirius and James. James and Snape had hated each other from the moment they met, and Sirius' family apparently knew the Snapes, and they were on friendly terms. Which meant that Sirius hated Snape on principle. It was rather hard not to hate him; he was surly and unpleasant, and had quickly picked up on the fact that Remus was not nearly as good as he himself was at Potions, and that Baltazor would do nothing to stop him if he wished to harass Remus in Potions class. He glared at Remus as he made his way over to Snape's bench.
"Good morning, Severus." Remus said. He did make an effort to be polite to Snape, but it never seemed to do any good. Snape continued to glare at him as he sat, and they began to prepare the ingredients for the morning's potion in an unpleasant silence. They were making a potion that was meant to remove warts. Baltazor warned that if the potions was splashed onto exposed skin, it could cause blisters and extreme discomfort; Remus hoped that Sirius and James would be able to keep an eye on Peter and his partner to assure that their friend came to no harm.
The class was quite quiet for three quarters of an hour while the pairs of students worked to prepare their potions. When their potion was completed, Remus stood to reach for a vial to fill with the liquid, when he saw the gleam in Snape's eyes. Too late, Remus attempted to move away from the cauldron; Snape had already used the ladle to splash the Wart Remover at Remus, hitting his hands and face. Remus stifled a gasp of pain as the solution began to burn at his skin. He tried to wipe at it with the sleeves of his robe, but this did not seem to help. Remus watched resignedly as blisters began to form all over his hands, and he was certain they were on his face as well, though he could not see them. Snape looked delighted, and laughed maliciously.
On the other side of the classroom, James and Sirius looked around to see what was causing their enemy such glee; when they caught sight of Remus, both of their faces darkened with fury. He decided he must look pretty awful for them to look so incensed. Within seconds, they had both left their seats and dashed over to him, looking concerned.
"Remus! What happened?" James asked, his voice low; Baltazor had not noticed, appearing quite occupied helping Peter and his partner with their potion at the front of the classroom.
"An accident, Potter." Snape said, his voice icy.
"Right." Sirius growled. "And I'm a Muggle. You splashed him on purpose, didn't you, you slimy little git?"
"And what if I did?" Snape sneered.
"Professor!" James called, not looking away from Snape; the two were now involved in an intense staring match. Professor Baltazor hurried over to the four.
"Mr. Potter, Mr. Black- why have you left your cauldron?" He inquired, his voice not hostile, merely curious. Remus felt he would have quite liked the man, had he not been so obviously prejudiced against werewolves.
"Snape here splashed Remus with the Wart Remover." Sirius said, his voice furious.
"Is that so?" Baltazor asked calmly, looking at Remus. "Yes, it appears that Mr. Lupin is indeed suffering from the effects of the potion. You may proceed to the Hospital Wing, Lupin."
Remus stood and tried to pick up his bag, but winced in pain as his blistered hands touched it. Sirius took it from his grasp, but looked at Baltazor in confusion.
"Professor, what about Snape? He did it on purpose!" James asked, the same confusion evident in his voice.
"I'm certain it was merely an accident, Mr. Potter." Baltazor said, still calmly and rationally. "Now, why don't you and Mr. Black go back to your own work?"
"We've finished, Professor." Sirius informed him. "May we accompany Remus to the Hospital Wing?"
"Very well." Baltazor turned away, unconcerned, and the three boys left the classroom. As soon as they were out of sight of the classroom, Sirius turned to Remus.
"That was no accident, was it?" Sirius asked, his voice tight. Remus reluctantly shook his head. "Remus!" Sirius said in frustration. "You're doing it again! Letting people get away with bullying you!"
This was a longstanding argument in their group; the other three boys had noticed right away that Remus, while willing to stand up for absolutely anyone else, against any number of bullies, would not stand up for himself. It did not matter what the circumstances were, Remus would calmly and cooly ignore anyone who attempted to bully him, but would do nothing to stop them.
"I've told you before, Sirius. It's not worth it." Remus' voice was as calm and composed as ever. Sirius looked ready to explode at that, and James took over speaking.
"Not worth it? Not worth speaking up to stop that greasy git from getting away with attacking you? Come on, Remus! If he had done that to Peter, wouldn't you have spoken up?"
"Of course."
"So why won't you speak up for yourself?" Sirius wanted to know. Remus merely shrugged; he was not going to tell them his real motivations. Remus knew that he could get in incredible amounts of trouble if anyone ever accused him of attacking another student, physically or verbally, just because of what he was. He was willing to risk it for others, because he hated to see injustice done to anyone, but not for his own sake. He really didn't feel it was worth it.
"It's alright. I'm used to it." Remus felt like hitting himself; that was not what he had meant to say. It was true, however- he had been bullied and picked on since the day he had been bitten. His brother, all the children he met, and of course, their parents, as soon as they discovered his secret. Remus had found long ago that the best way to deal with bullies was just to keep your head down and keep quiet; they would tire and go away, eventually. You didn't react; that was what they wanted. He had tried to explain this to James and Sirius several times before, but they looked at him as though he was crazy.
"You're used to it?" James was saying incredulously. Remus was extremely glad to see that they had reached the Hospital Wing; perhaps James and Sirius would stop asking him questions now. The three boys walked in, and were immediately set upon by Madam Pomfrey.
Remus smiled at her. He was quite fond of the hospital matron; she tended to fuss over him, but had been quite kind after both of his previous transformations, giving him loads of chocolate- he loved chocolate. Remus had told the others that chocolate cured all ills, but he wasn't sure they believed him. It might not really make everything better, but it did help! Now she looked quite concerned, taking in the blisters on his face and hands in a quick glance, then looking at the other two, checking for damage.
"Oh my, what's happened now? Have you boys been fighting?"
"No, Madam Pomfrey" James replied politely. "Remus got splashed with a strong Wart Remover in Potions class, and Professor Baltazor said we could accompany him to see you." Madam Pomfrey clucked her tongue sympathetically before telling Remus to have a seat on a bed and fetching several creams from her large supply of medicines. Within moments, the blisters were fading from Remus' pale skin and the pain had faded to nothing.
Remus thanked her politely, and smiled as she ruffled his hair fondly before sending them all on their way. He was getting better about allowing people to touch him, no longer panicking at the slightest touch; not when he could see it coming, anyway. He was also improving where it came to emotions, now able to smile and laugh fairly normally. He knew when that had changed; it was in their second month at Hogwarts, and the four boys had been discussing Animagi in their dorm room after hearing Professor McGonagall talking about them in class.
"I'd like to do that." Sirius said. "Become an Animagus, I mean. I bet I'd be a dog!" The others had agreed, and began to wonder what they would transform into.
"I'd like to be something fast- maybe something that could fly." James told them. "Like an eagle or-oohh, I know, a hippogriff!" They had all laughed at that.
"I'd like to be a cat." Peter said after a moment of thought. Remus tried to think what to say. He could not imagine himself becoming anything but a wolf, and he shuddered at the thought.
"I- don't know what I would be." Remus said. Sirius looked at him appraisingly.
"I think you'd be a mouse." Sirius said after a moment.
"What?" Remus said, startled by the thought.
"Yeah, a mouse!" Sirius exclaimed again. "I mean, you're quiet and kinda little- I bet you'd make a cool little mouse!"
James and Peter nodded in agreement. And Remus somehow found the idea of himself transforming, not into a ravening monster, but into a calm, quiet little mouse to be the most hilarious thing he had ever heard. He began to laugh hysterically, not even aware that the others were staring at him in shock. None of them had ever heard Remus Lupin laugh, even a little; even getting him to smile had always been a struggle, and now he was laughing fit to burst. He had laughed until tears ran down his cheeks, and then had been a bit surprised to find that the tears were real, and he was crying, just a little, for the idea of being human enough to wish to be an animal. He was just glad that the others hadn't realized the tears were not due to laughter.
"I think," Remus had finally said, "that becoming a mouse would be about the nicest thing ever." Since that day, Remus had somehow found it possible to smile again without an effort, and to laugh like a normal child, if less frequently or uproariously.
James, Sirius and Remus were now headed out to the greenhouses for Herbology class. James and Sirius were still fuming with anger at Snape.
"I'm going to kill him. " Sirius growled.
James sighed in exasperation. "You can't kill him Sirius; they'd throw you in Azkaban. We'll just have to get back at him in a non-lethal way."
"That's it!" Sirius said, his expression changing to one of evil joy. "Snape will be the target of our great grand prank tonight!" James' face also changed, now bearing exactly the same expression as Sirius'; they really did look like brothers, or maybe twins when they did that.
"Sirius, you're a genius. But what can we do that would be good enough? He deserves something really bad after that stunt he pulled today."
"Right." Sirius growled. He fell silent, thinking hard; Remus knew that he would need to be carefully watched for a while, to make sure he didn't do something stupid.
The three met Peter outside the door to Greenhouse One; he was waiting for them with an anxious expression on his face. He brightened when he saw them approaching.
"Remus! Are you alright? What happened?" He asked in concern.
"I'm fine, Peter. " Remus reassured him quietly, as the four ducked inside and took their places. They didn't actually learn very much, though, as they spent most of the lesson whispering, trying to determine what they could do to Severus Snape. Remus had to squash several plans that he was sure would lead to lasting damage to the Slytherin boy; he was insistent that nobody get hurt, no matter what.
Finally, just before the end of class, Remus hit on an idea. "Cheering Charms!" He whispered suddenly, startling the others. "Extra strength Cheering Charms; Severus will be giggling all through the feast!"
Sirius broke into a slow grin. "Excellent! Nice one, mate!"
Peter asked in confusion. "Cheering Charms? What're those? I've never heard of them."
"I read about them in our Charms book. " Remus said. "They're a little advanced- we don't usually cover them until third year, but I think with a little practice we could pull it off."
James mock-scowled at Remus. "What are we going to do with you? Reading ahead in all our books- two years ahead! And would you quit calling Snape 'Severus'?" Remus just smiled as the bell rang, signaling the end of class.
"Right! Tea with Hagrid." Sirius said, leading them all to Hagrid's hut, and knocking on the door. Hagrid answered immediately, and opened the door wide, grinning beneath his thick beard.
"Good ter see yeh! Make yerselves at home." The four boys trooped into the warm little hut, and sat down wherever they could find seats. Within moments, they were all clutching large mugs of tea and politely refusing rock cakes; they had eaten Hagrid's cooking enough by now to know that it wasn't safe to take anything that he hade made. Hagrid asked what they'd been up to, and it was Sirius who answered.
"You won't believe it, Hagrid, but we've been taking Remus to the Hospital Wing. That slimy little git Snape splashed him with a potion this morning that gave him a nasty set of blisters! And Professor Baltazor didn't give him detention or anything!" Hagrid looked at Remus in sympathy, and Remus clutched tighter at his mug, hoping Hagrid wouldn't say anything...
Hagrid had known about Remus from the beginning; all of the faculty had been informed of his condition, and apparently Hagrid had been as well. Hagrid had invited him down to tea as few days after he had arrived at Hogwarts, and Remus had been shocked to discover how much they had in common. Hagrid was part giant, and the giants had to face almost as much prejudice from the wizarding community as did werewolves. Hagrid had told him that he should never listen to anyone who told him he wasn't as good as the rest of the students, just because of what he was. Remus had found this extremely comforting, coming from someone who could sympathize better with him than anyone else he had met. Since then, Remus had counted Hagrid one of his friends, and often visited him for a quiet cup of tea, with his other friends and without them.
Remus trusted Hagrid, of course; he knew the huge man would never tell anyone his secret, not on purpose, but sometimes he let too much slip in conversation. Now, he could see Hagrid feeling bad for him and angry with Baltazor; what if he said something that told the others too much?
Remus needn't have worried; Hagrid clapped a huge hand on his small shoulder, almost sending Remus into his cup of tea, and said loudly, "Never yeh mind them, Remus. Yer worth a dozen of 'em." Remus threw a thankful glance Hagrid's direction, and then the four began discussing in detail their plan for the prank at the feast. They had no fears that Hagrid would tell on them; on the contrary, he was quite helpful, letting them practice Cheering Charms on each other in the privacy of his cabin until it was nearly time for the feast. With huge grins on all their faces, the result of the Charms, the boys ran back to the castle and headed for the Hallowe'en Feast.
The stories James had relayed from his father regarding the Hallowe'en feast had not been exaggerated. The decorations were breathtaking, the food was fantastic- Remus, whose appetite was growing as the full moon approached, had seconds and thirds. Remus felt that if it had not been for the specter of the almost full moon shining ominously at him from the enchanted ceiling, he might have thought himself truly happy.
When the feast was almost over, the four boys rose as inconspicuously as possible from the Gryffindor table, and snuck toward the Slytherins. James, Remus and Sirius pulled out their wands; Peter pulled out his camera. Being Muggleborn, he had been surprised and delighted to learn that pictures in the wizarding world moved. He had written to his mother, telling her this, and she had sent him a Muggle camera, with instructions to take many pictures. He was now determined to do so, and they all thought that a grinning, cheerful Snape was a photo opportunity not to be missed.
In all the noise and confusion of the feast, the Gryffindor boys were able to get quite close to Snape without being seen. Acting in concert, James, Remus and Sirius all pointed their wands at Snape and whispered the incantation they had practiced; the results were hilarious. None of them would ever forget the sight of Severus Snape, grinning widely, whistling cheerfully and joking with his housemates. Remus highly doubted that they would ever forget either, from the looks on their faces. Peter quickly snapped a few pictures, and they all began to creep back towards Gryffindor table, when they saw Professor Muerno approaching Snape, clearly concerned with the boy's odd behavior.
"Run." Sirius whispered, and they all did, hoping they had not been spotted. They broke free from the crowds now forming at the entrance to the Great Hall as students headed back toward their Common Rooms, the feast now over. Within a few moments, they found themselves in a deserted corridor a safe distance from the rest of the crowd, and they finally broke down laughing. "That," Sirius said, wiping away tears, "was classic. Did you see how angry he looked? In a happy, cheerful way? He's never going to be able to look his friends in the face again- not Mr. Sour Snape!" James was still laughing too hard to speak, but he nodded agreement through his hilarity.
When they had all sobered up sufficiently to walk straight, they began to wander the hallways, trying to find their way back to Gryffindor Tower. They had learned their way around Hogwarts fairly well in the past two months, but none of them had been paying attention to where they were going as they dashed from the Great Hall, and they found themselves quite lost now, going down a corridor none of them recognized. James was leading the way, but he was as lost as the rest of them.
"Listen!" Remus said suddenly, causing them all to stop dead. "Someone's coming- I think it's Peeves! Don't you hear him?" He realized a second too late that there was no way any of the others would have heard. His senses were always keener than those of normal children, and they got sharper with the waxing moon. Now, with only two days until the moon was full, Remus' hearing was far sharper than that of a human. The others did not hear anything, but they trusted him anyway, and with a quick shove from Sirius, they all piled into the closest room they could find, and Sirius swung the door shut silently. Remus knew that Peeves was some distance away, and they were probably safe in this room; he let out a sigh of relief. The four looked around them at what appeared to be an old, unused classroom. All of the surfaces were covered in a layer of dust, and looked perfectly normal- all except the mirror that stood in the far corner.
They all gathered around to inspect the mirror. It had an elaborate golden frame, around the edge of which was carved the inscription 'Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi'. Remus looked at this in confusion, but was interrupted in his thoughts by the gasp of surprise Peter had just let out. Remus turned to look at his friend.
Peter was standing directly in front of the mirror, gazing at his reflection in wonder. His eyes were wide and bright, and a look of pride was on his face.
"What is it, Pete?" Sirius asked curiously.
"I- it's me! Only it's not- I mean, I'm different! I'm older, it looks like- and I'm Head Boy! And everyone is looking at me like- like they respect me!" Peter's voice sounded incredulous. "Like I'm somebody!"
"Wow!" James said, sounding fascinated. "Here, lemme look!"
Peter moved out of the way, with one last glance at his reflection, and James took his place. His face quickly changed, and he looked surprised and quite pleased.
"Look at me!" James breathed in wonder. "I'm a Quidditch player- I'm Chaser! I must be really good- look, I've got loads of fans! Wow...Hey, you know what? Maybe this mirror shows the future!"
"Ooh, let me see!" Sirius said, having waited very patiently the whole time. James reluctantly moved aside to let him look. Sirius looked, and his face suddenly set immovably; Remus thought it looked like someone disappearing behind a mask.
"I don't think it shows the future, mate." Sirius said after a moment. His voice caught as he spoke, and tears glittered in his eyes, unshed.
"Why? What d'you see?" James asked.
"It's my family." Sirius said, still in the same tones. "They're good, you know? And- and they're proud of me." James moved to Sirius' side and clapped a hand on his shoulder. All of the boys knew about Sirius' family; the Blacks were unpleasant people, and considered Sirius a disgrace for being a Gryffindor, among other offences. The boys had discussed their families at some length early in the semester, Remus being very careful not to give more information than he had to. Remus wondered what this mirror was, and why it was showing Sirius something so far removed from the truth. Sirius finally shook himself, and dashed the tears from his eyes with the back of his hand. He moved away from the mirror, and told Remus, "Your turn, mate."
Remus moved uncertainly in front of the mirror, feeling that he might not want to see what this mirror showed him. But when he looked, he just saw himself, standing there in the middle of this old room, looking exactly as he always did. Same hair, same eyes; the room was the same- but no, it wasn't! There was a window reflected in the mirror just over Remus' left shoulder, and through it shone the full moon. Remus could tell at a glance that the moon in the mirror was indeed full, and yet there he stood, human as any of the others.
Remus looked over his shoulder, to where the window would be if the mirror reflected accurately; there was no window at all. Again he turned to the mirror, and stepped closer, staring intently at it. He reached his hand out until it touched the glass, touching the reflected moon as if he might feel something there; his reflection still stood, smiling a little, eyes calm and rational. Beneath the full moon. Human.
To his horror, Remus felt his eyes fill with tears as he stood, one hand resting on the glass. A second later, the tears began to fall, and he was crying. Remus always took a small amount of pride in not crying in front of anyone, no matter how much he might hurt; now here he was, in front of his three friends, sobbing uncontrollably.
"Remus?" Sirius asked, concerned.
"You alright there, mate?" James queried; Peter didn't speak, but his eyes were wide with concern. Remus couldn't speak, struggled to get control of himself, but his reflection still stood there, human. There was no way he could have put into words the extent and depth of his longing to be what he saw there in the mirror; normal, human, unmarked by the moon. He felt an ache inside that was unlike any he had felt before. The lack of what he saw reflected there seemed to be eating him alive, hollowing out an empty place inside of him that he now recognized had always been there; he had just never realized that the knot of misery deep inside him was for lack of this.
"Hey, Remus," Sirius was speaking again, and now Remus tore his gaze from the mirror to look at his friends, who were all staring at him. "Remus, are you all right?"
"It's lying." He didn't recognise the voice as his own for a second; it sounded so old and tired, so resigned and sad- that couldn't be him speaking, could it? But it was, and he continued, "Nothing it showed is true. It's lying!" He sounded bitter, and now he was; he would never be what the mirror showed, never again.
"It is not lying, Remus." The old, gentle voice could only belong to one man, and sure enough, in the doorway stood Dumbledore, looking sadly at Remus. He understood, Remus could tell.
"It is!" Remus protested, still bitter, still heartbroken. "It's not true- I'm not-" He broke off, his voice choked by the tears that threatened again. Dumbledore moved forward, his face kind, his voice sympathetic.
"It's not lying, Remus. What it shows may not be true, or even possible, but what you see are not lies. Have any of you figured out what it is showing?" His eyes turned from one to the other of them. Remus thought he knew now, and when Dumbledore looked at him in turn, he spoke, controlling his voice as best he could.
"It shows us what we most want, doesn't it?" His eyes fell again on the inscription, and suddenly he understood. "Erised- desire- heart's desire. It shows us our heart's desire." His voice was quiet now, broken. He would never have his heart's desire. It was not possible. The other three were nodding in comprehension.
"That is correct." Dumbledore said gently. "Peter, you saw yourself as respected and powerful, yes? Wouldn't you say that is what you most want?" Peter nodded. "And James, you saw yourself as a Quidditch star? Admired and looked up to?" James nodded as well, looking a bit eager again. Dumbledore turned to Sirius, who was avoiding his gaze. "Sirius, you saw your family as you wish they were- good and loving, and proud of you?" Sirius nodded, now looking defiantly at Dumbledore, who merely smiled at him; Sirius seemed to deflate a bit, and looked again at the mirror, even though he could not see his reflection from where he stood.
"Remus." Dumbledore said, and Remus heard the sadness in his voice. He knows what I saw, and he's sad for me, Remus thought. All Dumbledore said was, "I am sorry."
And then there was nothing more to say. The four boys made their way to the door and out, and found that they did indeed know where they were; it didn't take long to get to Gryffindor Tower. Not a word was spoken as they all got ready for bed and settled in to sleep. Remus did remember to put up the Silencing Charms that he now used around his bed for the few nights before and after the full moon. He had forgotten to put them up one night just before the first full moon at Hogwarts, and the other boys had heard him when he was having a nightmare. He usually suffered from terrible dreams around the full moon, memories of when he was bitten, dreams of transformations; flashes from when he was the wolf and completely out of control, tearing at himself in his fury at being caged. His parents had taught him to use Silencing Charms around his bed before he left home, even though that was supposed to be fifth year magic; he was very grateful for it, though, as it had kept him from waking any of the others again.
Remus fell asleep rather quickly; he was always tired before the full moons, and it had been a very long day. He did indeed suffer from a horrible nightmare, the worst he had experienced in years, and was shocked to be shaken out of it. Blinking sleepily, he saw James' face above him, looking worried. James tried to speak, but his voice was inaudible, thanks to the Silencing Charm. Remus moved out of his bed and climbed into the window sill as he always did after a bad dream; staring at the sky was calming, even when it was dominated by the face of the moon, shining so malevolently at him.
James crawled up into the window next to him, and for a moment they sat in silence, James clearly not knowing what to say, Remus glad for the silence. Then James spoke in a hushed voice,
"Are you OK? I mean, it looked like you were having a really bad dream again, and then that whole thing with the mirror..." His voice trailed off.
"I'm fine." Remus lied. Of course he wasn't fine, he was never fine, and right now he was about as far from fine as he had ever been, and still the moon grew fuller; two days. "The mirror upset me, which is why I had the dream, I guess." Remus hated himself for lying, as he always did; but the longer he knew his friends, the more he would have to lie to them. He had no choice.
"You had a spell on your bed- I couldn't hear you at all." James said after a moment.
"Yes, that's a Silencing Charm."
"Remus, those are really advanced magic, aren't they? How did you learn that?"
"They usually teach them in fifth year, yes, but my parents taught me before I came." Remus explained, glad for something he didn't have to lie about.
"Ah." James said, and silence fell again. Remus was perfectly willing to sit in the window and watch the sky until morning came, but he knew James was not. He wasn't used to it, and needed to sleep.
"Thank you for waking me up, but you should be sleeping now." Remus used his best "Professor Voice" as the other boys called it, the one that always made them see reason and listen; it was a good weapon in a debate.
"So should you." James retorted.
"I'm not going to be sleeping, James." Remus replied. In fact he suddenly had an idea, somewhere he wanted to go, but he had to get James to leave him alone. "Go back to bed, please?"
It looked like James was going to argue, but a yawn stopped him from speaking, and he nodded in agreement, but didn't leave without a few words more, "You want to take better care of yourself, mate. If you don't sleep, you're going to fall apart- you don't look so good, to tell you the truth. 'Night, Remus."
"Goodnight." Remus replied. Of course he looked rotten; the full moon was approaching. He always looked ill before he transformed, and felt bad along with it. He waited until James had settled in his bed and stopped moving before creeping from the window, grabbing his bathrobe and walking quietly from the room. It wasn't hard now to find the room where the mirror was located, and in only a few minutes he stood in front of it, looking with deepest longing at the sight in front of him.
The full moon really was beautiful, he though. He hadn't seen it since he had been bitten; he was always locked up when he transformed, and even if the wolf had seen it, Remus would not have remembered. He never remembered more than vague flashes from when he was transformed; enough to give him nightmares that woke him, screaming, from his sleep, but no more. He was completely caught up in the image the mirror showed. This is what he could have been, had he never been bitten. He would have been human.
"Remus." The voice was so unexpected that Remus jumped and spun around to see who was speaking. It was James, standing there in bare feet, looking worried. Remus wiped quickly at his eyes- he was crying again.
"What do you see, Remus? What makes you cry, but also brings you back here?" James' voice was gentle and kind, but curious. Remus just shook his head. He couldn't tell James, but he did not want to lie to him. James went on. "Look, Remus, Dumbledore says it's not lying. Maybe- maybe whatever it is you want will just happen."
Remus laughed, although it wasn't funny. It was about the least funny thing he had ever heard. "No, James. It will never happen. It can't happen."
James drew a deep breath and looked sternly at Remus. "Well then, wandering down here in the middle of the night isn't going to help you at all, is it? Just looking at a picture of what you want won't do any good. I refuse to believe that anything is impossible, Remus. If this is something you really want, tell me- I'm sure we'll be able to do something to help you."
Remus was overwhelmed suddenly with the desire to tell James everything- his secret, what he saw, what had happened all those years ago, why he had to lie- but that was stupid. He couldn't tell anyone- not even James and Sirius. "I - I can't, James. I'm sorry." James looked disappointed, but walked over and clapped a kind hand on Remus' shoulder.
"Alright then. You don't have to. But I am not going to let you stand here crying your eyes out in a dark room in the middle of the night all alone. Let's go back to Gryffindor Tower." Remus only nodded in agreement. James was right; it didn't do any good to stand there and stare at a dream. James was watching him. "Look, Remus, I realize that you must be seeing something you want really badly in there, but I don't think it's a good idea for you to come back and look at it anymore. I've heard about magical things like this- they can really mess you up if you stay too long around them. Don't, OK?"
Remus looked one more time in the mirror. There he stood still human, and Remus felt a sudden surge of jealousy toward James. He hadn't any clue what Remus saw and felt when he looked in the mirror! When James looked at himself, he saw fame, glory, Quidditch stardom. How could he understand how very desperately Remus wanted what the mirror showed him? And worse - James was very likely to get his wish. Remus hated this jealous feeling, because he really was thrilled for James, that he would probably receive his heart's desire; he wanted nothing less for his friends. But still - what he wouldn't give to have a little, rather unimportant desire like that! If that was what James' heart most desired, he must be very happy with his life, to want nothing more.
Then the jealousy suddenly burned away, and Remus just felt guilty for having been jealous of his friend in the first place. James was right, of course.
"I won't come back." Remus said firmly, tearing his gaze away from the mirror for the last time.