Hallo all! I realise that I seem to be consistently making you all wait much longer than I ought to, but I really have almost no free time now, and working on this story has to come in little bits and pieces every now and then, which doesn't lead to much getting done. However, I see that this story now seems to have reached over 50,000 words, which is rather amazing to me. Thanks ever so much to my dear reviewers- you are all fantastic! I don't know when I'll be able to update next- hopefully soon, but I think it better if I don't make promises I might not be able to keep. We'll see what happens, shall we? Today's Welsh Word- Cyfrin, meaning Secret. Enjoy, and review!
Chapter 12- Cyfrin
Remus loved the fact that his second year at Hogwarts was very like his first. He had the same friends and the same classes he had had previously; his schedule was somewhat different, true, and the classes were more difficult, but other than that, everything was almost the same. He had become extremely fond of things exactly the way they were in first year, and had no desire for any of it to change. Well, with the notable exception of his lycanthropy, but that wasn't about to change, and it was useless wishing for it to do so. Remus remembered the wish he made on every falling star he saw- I want to be normal. I just want to be like everyone else. Every streak of light he saw tearing across the sky heard the same forlorn wish; he had finally accepted that some things would never change, and his regrettable condition was one of those things. And since there was nothing he could do to change the situation, it was pointless to think about it. So he ought to stop thinking about it. And since he had accepted that there would be no change, it was ridiculous for him to be sitting on the roof above Gryffindor tower, staring at the stars with a lump in his throat. He was not about to cry. After all, didn't he have far more than he would ever have imagined possible little over a year ago? A place at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, good marks, a reputation as nothing more than "Quiet Remus Lupin," and more than anything, the best friends anyone could ever wish for. He didn't deserve them, he was sure, but they had accepted him, and he was as grateful as anyone had ever been. And so, for all of those reasons, he oughtn't to be sitting alone trying not to cry. After all, wasn't he happier than he had ever been in his life? He wasn't lonely anymore...
But that was the problem, wasn't it? He was still lonely, even surrounded by friends. No matter how fantastic his friends were, they weren't like him- he still wasn't like everyone else. The fact hit home sharply as the clouds above him shifted, allowing a sliver of the newly-waning moon to shine, showering him in silver moonlight. With care, Remus kept himself from flinching at the light, and scowled up at the bright-faced moon, so cold and beautiful. No, Remus was not like his friends; but they didn't know that, and they never would. Remus was bound and determined not to let them ever learn of his condition. Now that he had friends, he was not about to lose them because of a condition he could do nothing to get rid of. If it was a matter of desire, Remus wanted more than anyone else could ever know to be free of the curse of lycanthropy. If it were up to him, he would be normal in an instant.
Remus' thoughts were becoming circular; he was very tired from the last full moon, only two nights past. He had prudently gotten ahead on his class work so that it did not overwhelm him while he was unwell, but he was still very tired and sore, and did not want to do any work. With a soft groan, he climbed carefully down until he could climb in the dormitory window. It was still early in the evening, so the room was quite empty; Remus changed into his pajamas and climbed into his bed, enjoying the simple feeling of being able to lie down. He lay quietly, waiting for sleep to come; he had been lying there for about fifteen minutes and was beginning to feel quite sleepy when a disturbance near the door woke him from his daze. James and Sirius came in rather noisily, but quieted suddenly as they caught sight of Remus in bed, apparently asleep.
"Awfully early to be sleeping." Sirius said, a bit disapprovingly.
"Come on, Sirius, you know he looked like he needed it- I though he was going to collapse in classes today, he looked so tired!"
Remus lay quite still- it wouldn't do for them to know that he was actually awake and listening to everything they said about him.
"So what d'you suppose is up with him?" Sirius asked in a hushed tone; to Remus' keen ears, it was quite loud.
"I don't know." James said, sounding a bit - sad? "I'm worried about him, Sirius, really I am. He gets sick all the time, and every time he leaves, he comes back looking worse than when he left. And the fact that he won't or can't tell us what's really going on has me a bit scared, to tell you the truth."
"Too right." Sirius agreed forcefully. "I mean, Remus is a great friend, and I just wish we could help him out somehow. But if he won't tell us what's wrong, how can we do that?"
"Don't you ever wonder why he won't say anything?" James asked. "I mean, we've been through a lot together, haven't we? I would tell any of you chaps anything- unless it was really horribly bad."
"Like what?" Sirius asked. "What could be so bad that you wouldn't say a word about it? I can't think of anything that bad, Jamie."
Remus lay frozen and tried to remember to breathe. James and Sirius were far more suspicious than he had thought, and for the first time, he felt that his secret was in real danger.
"Well, what if he's being blackmailed or something? Or someone's poisoning him and will kill him if he says anything? Or someone else might be in danger if he said anything- you know Remus, he'd never put anyone else in danger, no matter how bad things were for him."
But I am, Remus said silently, felling awful. I'm putting all of you in danger just being here, and by not telling you, I'm making it worse.
Sirius was thinking deeply. "Maybe he's got some kind of illness that he doesn't want people know about?" He suggested. "Something that makes him really sick, obviously, but maybe he's afraid that people wouldn't like him if they knew."
"Could be." James said thoughtfully. "But surely he knows by now that we wouldn't dislike him just for a little thing like that? Even if nobody else understood, we would- he could tell us."
I wish that were true. Remus thought sadly. But even you wouldn't like me if you knew the truth, James.
"Well, whatever it is, I don't like it." Sirius announced firmly. "We're going to have to do something about it, Jamie."
"Right..." James said, thinking. "Well, first we do have to figure out what's going on."
"Right!" Sirius said, obviously glad to have a plan of action, and he dashed over the Remus' bed. "Remus! Remus, wake up!" Sirius shook Remus, not roughly, but enough to have woken him had he been asleep.
"What is it, Sirius?" Remus asked, trying hard to keep from sounding as terrified as he was. They're your friends, you don't have to be afraid of them!
"Why are you so weird, Rem?" Sirius asked bluntly.
"I- I'm sorry?" Remus asked weakly, thrown off by the question.
"What Sirius means to say," James broke in firmly, "is why do you get sick so much? And why do you have to leave all the time?"
"And why won't you tell us the truth?" Sirius asked, looking hurt.
Remus gripped at the covers on top of him, wishing at the moment that he could be miles away. What on earth was he going to tell them?
"I- I just get sick a lot." Remus said, trying not to stammer. "And my mum does too- you know that, that's why I have to go home so many times. Why don't you believe me?"
"Rem, nobody gets sick that much without keeling over dead." Siris said confidently.
"And your mum looked quite healthy when I met her."
"And the whole time I visited with you at Christmas!" Sirius added.
"Look, Rem, we know something's going on, and we want to help you. Can't you trust us?" James said quietly.
"It's not that!" Remus said desperately. "I do trust you, all of you, it's just-"
"Just what, Rem?" Sirius asked in a tone that was gentle, for Sirius.
"Please believe me." Remus said quietly. "I would tell you if I could. But I can't. You have to believe me."
James and Sirius both looked disappointed.
"Then there is something going on." James said after a short moment. "Remus, we do understand, but we're your friends. We're not about to stop trying to figure out what's going on, and we're going to find out." Sirius nodded.
"You can't!" Remus said vehemently, sitting upright. "It's nothing to do with you- and if you figure it out, everything's over." Now he was almost crying, and trying desperately to keep from doing so. "Please just drop it."
And with that, he turned around and dropped his head into his pillow, hiding his face. James and Sirius were silent for a moment before walking out quietly, and Remus lay still, wondering how long he had before his so close to perfect life came falling apart around him.
The next morning, Remus woke somewhat late, and found that the dormitory was empty. He hurried to get ready for the day, and grabbing his back, rushed down to try to eat breakfast before the food was gone. He arrived in the Great Hall with some time to spare, and James, Sirius and Peter caught sight of him right away. Remus froze where he stood; after the conversation he had had with James and Sirius the night before, how would they act toward him? He hoped desperately that they wouldn't treat him any differently than they always had, but the fact that they knew for certain that he was hiding something from them- would they possibly still trust him?
"Remus!" Peter call cheerfully, waving at him. "C'mon, you're going to miss breakfast if you don't hurry up!" Remus made himself smile and join his friends at the table. Sirius gave him a strange look, but to Remus' relief, none of the boys said anything out of the ordinary. After a few minutes of normal conversation, Remus managed to relax; it seemed that everything would be all right after all.
The Gryffindors had Potions with the Slytherins that morning, and James and Sirius were certainly in the mood for it. Remus counted no fewer than sixteen separate pranks being played on Slytherin students during the class period. Thankfully, the professor managed to not notice any of them, and the Slytherins were too proud to admit that they were being harassed by childish pranks. By the time they left class, James and Sirius were laughing so hard they could barely walk straight, and Remus, not half as amused, had to keep them from walking into the walls as they giggled. Peter was in an even worse state than the others; James' jokes in particular always impressed Peter. He was wiping away tears of laughter, laughing so hard he could hardly breathe. Remus tried not to roll his eyes; he did not find any of the pranks the others had played particularly funny, but he did not want to offend his friends.
"That was fantastic!" Sirius said, grinning madly.
"Yeah- did you see Snape's expression?" James crowed. "Brilliant, Sirius, changing his powdered asphodel for powdered bicorn horn! His potion was bright pink!"
"Ha! Serves him right, getting an awful mark for it, after all the times he's messed up our plans!" Peter said gleefully.
Remus said nothing, but smiled weakly when the others looked at him, curious about his silence. They did not have much time to wonder, though, as they had reached the History of Magic classroom, and joined the class, falling quickly into the mindless stupor that Binns' lectures tended to produce. Even Remus did not pay much attention; he was still very tired, and preoccupied by worries about his friends all too inconvenient concern for him. Besides, Remus though in self defense, he's only talking about the Goblin Rebellions. Again. Remus thought he already had enough notes written on the subject to fully paper the boys dormitory. So, for once, Remus allowed himself to zone out just like the rest of the class, and was surprised to see how much faster the time seemed to pass.
That evening over their homework, Sirius put his quill down and looked thoughtful.
"What do all of you want to do when you grow up? When we get out of here, I mean?"
"Play Quidditch." James said unhesitatingly. "I want to be a professional player. Although..." James voice trailed off, and he looked uncertain.
"What?" Peter asked.
"Well, it's just that things seem to be getting up a bit dangerous, you know, in the world out there. By the time we're out of here, there may be a need for people to do more important jobs than play Quidditch." James' face looked uncharacteristically solemn, and he turned away a bit, staring into the fire.
"I don't know." Peter said after a moment of thought. "Maybe go into magical foods- you know, like the people who develop the new flavours for Bertie Botts Every Flavoured Beans. That would be fun."
"I want to be an Auror." Sirius said firmly. The others looked at him a bit curiously- Sirius being serious was never something to be laughed at. He flushed a bit, but was determined. "It's my family, you see- they're so wrapped up in their pure blood mania and blind support for the Dark Arts that I feel like I ought to be doing something to oppose them, and people like them. They're dead set on having purity, you know- if they were given half a chance, they would get rid of everyone who's not a 'pureblood,' according to their standards. So I want to be an Auror, and fight them, and everyone who thinks the way they do." James and Remus both nodded in agreement, while Peter looked somewhat frightened at the idea of opposing Sirius' family.
Everyone turned and looked expectantly at Remus, who was still working on homework, although he was listening to everything his friends said.
"What?" He asked, noticing their interest.
"What are you going to be when you grow up, Rem?" Sirius asked. "Grow up more, I mean- I think sometimes that you were born already grown up!"
"I - don't know." Remus said softly. In truth, there were many things Remus wished he could do when he reached adulthood. He wanted to be an Auror, he would like to be involved in research regarding magical creatures, and he knew that he would love most of all being a teacher. Unfortunately for him, none of those careers were really viable options; no-one would ever want to hire a werewolf, whether he had a Hogwarts education or not. As a matter of fact, Remus had no idea what he was going to do when he was done with school, because of his condition and the prejudice surrounding it; that scared him sometimes, but he was determined not to show it.
"There's just so much out there that would be amazing to do- I'm not ready to choose anything yet." Remus told his friends They nodded, and all four went back to their homework.
Remus did not know, but James and Sirius began that night to make careful notes about his behavior, taking note of anything they found unusual. They were determined to figure out their mysterious friend's secret "if it kills us," as Sirius melodramatically put it.