Couple's Therapy
Pointless tales of paring off
Standard Issue Disclaimer:
Ranma 1/2 is not mine to do with as I please. It belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and some other people whose names I don't recall. Please don't sue me!
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CASE 2: Ukyo Kuonji and Ryoga Hibiki, OR The Honorable Thing
Ukyo Kuonji was, to say the least, a worried young woman as she searched the grounds of Furinkan High for Ranma.
Ranma had been acting rather odd this morning. All through class today Ukyo had seem him stealing dopey looks at Akane. What's worse, she also saw Akane returning the looks. This was a dangerous precedent. Ukyo had always understood that Akane was her most serious competition for Ranma. Anyone with an eye and three brain cells could tell that the pair had a thing for each other. Fortunately though, this hadn't seemed to include either Ranma or Akane.
However, it seemed that something had changed. Ukyo recognized lovesick eyes when she saw them.
"Damnit!" she groused as she searched for Ranma. "If those two managed to sort themselves out then I've got a lot of work to do." Of course Ukyo could never believe that Ranma actually LOVED Akane. It just didn't fit in her world view, but she did acknowledge the idea of teenage infatuation, which right now was just as bad.
She learned just how bad when she rounded a tree and found Ranma and Akane in a secluded part of the grounds.
"Cut it out Akane!" Ranma pleaded as Akane pawed him with cheerful abandon. "We're still in school! What if someone sees us?"
"Awe, come on Ranma!" Akane said in a playful, hungry... erotic tone that Ukyo hadn't thought she was capable of. "It's lunchtime, nobody's around, and I'm hungry!"
"That hussy!" Ukyo hissed to herself as she ducked behind the tree to keep from being seen.
"Geeze Akane!" Ranma pleaded, "I thought you said you weren't gonna do this no more!"
"No more?!?!" Ukyo fumed to herself. "Just who does she think she is?"
Whatever had come over Akane hadn't defused her quicksilver anger. "Oh sure!" she snapped. "You were more than happy to have your way with me last night when I was all drugged up!"
Ukyo grabbed a low hanging tree branch, snapping it off in her shock, anger and betrayal. "HE WHAT!"
"Now hold on a minute Akane!" Ranma demanded, having not noticed Ukyo's shout, "You ain't pinning that on me! You were the one who jumped me, got that?"
"Oh, sure Ranma!" Akane said. "Like you were fighting real hard to get away!"
Ukyo was currently approaching levels of rage that not even Akane would visit. The squabling couple didn't particularly notice.
"That's different!" Ranma insisted.
"Oh is it?!" Akane demanded.
"YEAH!" Ranma shouted back.
Akane's anger seemed to vanish, replaced with a predatory grin. "I get it," she said. "You're scared!"
"Ex...excuse me?" Ranma stammered.
"You're scared!" Akane repeated. "I bet you wouldn't even have the guts to kiss me!"
"IS THAT SO!" Ranma shot back.
"YEAH!" Akane returned.
"YOU JUST WATCH ME!" And with that Ranma kissed her.
Something seemed to snap within Ukyo as she watched Ranma and Akane share a very passionate kiss. She just stood there like a rock as the couple fell to the grass, still trading kisses.
"Akane... we... we shouldn't..." Ranma's words weren't very coherent, but he got the point across.
Akane was in the meanwhile working on the buttons of Ranma's shirt. "Shut up Ranma," she said.
"Okay."
Something else seemed to snap within Ukyo, and she realized that she could do something about this. She drew her spatula. "I...WILL...KILL...THEM..." she raged, clearly ready to carry out the deed.
Somewhere in the tangle of kisses and heavy petting, Ranma managed to tell Akane he loved her. Though Akane missed it (engrossed as she was in Ranma's body rather than his words), Ukyo didn't. This had an imediate affect on her. Her anger vanished in an instant, replaced by deep, deep sadness. A single tear slid (dramatically) down her cheek.
"See you around, Ranchan," she said, turning and walking away without ever being seen. Ranma and Akane had each other. Who was she to interfere?
She wasn't sure how long she wandered around after that, but eventually she ran into Kuno. The kendoist seemed downright angry.
"Ukyo Kuonji," he said. "Hast thou spied the despicable Ranma Saotome?"
Ukyo was imediately on her guard. "Why do you want to know?"
"I have heard of his apalling deeds from the lips of Nabiki Tendo," Kuno said, increasingly livid. "The vile Saotome has destroyed the purity of the beauteous Akane Tendo and the Pig Tailed Girl. For this crime I will destroy him! Now, tell me quick woman, wither Saotome?"
Ukyo was about to say she didn't know, but then something crept into her mind. It was that little spark. The one that would make her hunt down someone for wrongs comitted a decade before by someone else. The one that would compel her to bring exploding food to a wedding. In a flash, Ukyo Kuonji rediscovered her vindictiveness. Screw not interfering, she wanted her revenge!
"He's that way sugar," she said, pointing out the proper direction for Kuno. "We'd better hurry. He and Akane are alone together and he's got that look about him."
Kuno's eyes flashed with rage. "Saotome... today your evil ends!"
They started running.
*****
Akane snuggled in Ranma's arms after they were... umm... done.
It simply amazed Ranma. Most of the time if they were saying anything they were bickering, fighting, or shouting about something. Even when they were... ahem... imersed in the act, they were at each other's throats (Ranma had the bruises and scratches to prove it). However, as they basked in the afterglow of what they shared, everything seemed to change. As Akane snuggled up to him, sighing contentedly, Ranma almost couldn't believe that this sweet, beautiful girl in his arms was the same violent tomboy he knew so well. He could sit here forever, running his fingers through her soft bl...
Wait a minute. "Akane?"
Akane turned her head and gazed into Ranma's eyes with a loving look. "Yes?"
"What color is your hair?"
The look Akane now gave Ranma seemed to indicate she was expecting him to say something entirely else. "What?"
"Your hair is black, right?"
"Yes Ranma," Akane said, quite frustrated. She was looking for romance and he asks about her hair color? Talk about a mood killer! "It's black, it's always been black. Why is that so important?"
"Well, Cologne said the powder that... umm... that made you... you know... when we..." Even here, with Akane in his arms after a bout of hot sweaty jungle sex he couldn't actually bring himself to say it.
"What about the powder," Akane said impatiently.
"Well, she said it only had that affect on vio... err... on japanese girls with blue hair. So..."
Akane's frustration quickly switched to anger as she shot to her feet. "So what?" she demanded. "Are you trying to tell me that I wasn't under the influence of that powder? ARE YOU CALLING ME SOME KIND OF PERVERT?!"
"That ain't it Akane!" Ranma protested. "You ain't no pervert! I just thought it was kinda wierd, that's all."
Akane seemed to calm down, but she was still simmering when she lay back down and cuddled next to Ranma again. "Probably the stupid gaijin that made it," she complained. "He probably couldn't tell the difference between blue hair and black..."
A stupid gaijin with thick glasses and a black fedora walked past, giving them a thumbs up.
"Yo," he said cheerfully like some kind of mental patient before disapearing behind a tree.
"Who was that?" Ranma asked, confused. Part of him thought he should be alarmed that someone had seen them together like this, but for some reason he knew this guy didn't count.
"I have no idea," Akane said.
"SAOTOME!" Another figure stepped out from behind a tree.
Ranma had no trouble recognizing this one. "Kuno..." he said nervously, "Umm... something wrong?"
Ukyo likewise stepped out from behind the tree. "Hey Ranchan," she said, her voice friendly and yet distinctly NOT friendly, her spatula already out. "Whoah, done already eh? Kinda quick on the draw, aren't you?"
Ranma and Akane suddenly realized that they were still in each other's arms and quickly separated, each blushing furiously.
"Hold it!" Ranma said. "It ain't what it seems..."
"Save it Ranchan," Ukyo said. "I saw the opening act."
Ranma and Akane each found previously unknown shades of red.
"Well...umm..." Ranma babbled, "that was just... well..."
"Saotome..." Kuno hissed. "You enemy of women, you despoiler of virtue, today you breath your LAST!"
"Sorry honey," Ukyo said, "it's the principle of the thing."
Then they both attacked.
But that's a story for another time.
*****
Is it a cliche to say Ryoga Hibiki was lost?
Well, he was.
"Where am I now?" he wondered as he walked along a strangely familiar shopping district. "I've been traveling for so long, I wonder what Akane's doing right now."
"The Tendo school of everything goes sensual arts matress pole ride?" a helpful and cheerful voice offered.
"Good one Kasumi!" a wizened dirty old voice said. "I always knew I liked you the best."
"Why thank you grandfather Happosai," Kasumi replied.
Ryoga was sutably stunned. This can't be! Did... did he just hear Kasumi say THAT? He began to slowly turn around.
Kasumi smiled vacantly for him, Happosai standing next to her (Kasumi was his chaperone so he wouldn't bug Ranma and Akane). "Why hello Ryoga," she said. "It is so nice to see you again."
"What..." Ryoga sputtered, "what did... did... did you just say about Akane?"
Happosai took on a very knowing, wise look. "My son," he said...
"Screwing people raw," "As does the phone company," "So shall Akane."
"Oh my," Kasumi said. "That was very poetic, though I don't think the sylable count will work in Japanese."
The heavens prepared a lightning bolt for Kasumi, then realized they didn't have the heart to zap her and let it pass.
Ryoga in the meanwhile seemed to have been turned to stone.
"Hmm," Happosai said. "I was trying to let the lad down easily."
"What..." Ryoga began to say again. "What... did you... say?"
"Oh dear," Kasumi said. "I don't think he's getting it." She decided to try again. "Akane has booked a permanent pass on Ranma's log ride."
Ryoga twitched a little.
"With free slurpys with every ride," Kasumi added.
Ryoga twitched again.
"And a hot dog to chew on whenever she wants it," Happosai offered.
Another twitch.
Happosai got a look of pure frustration. "RANMA AND AKANE ARE HAVING SEX!"
That did it.
Ryoga fell to his knees and cried out to the heavens.
"NO, I WON'T BELIEVE IT! IT CAN'T BE TRUE!"
The heavens hit Ryoga with the lightning bolt originally meant for Kasumi. Waste not want not.
"Believe it, kid," Happosai said. "We wouldn't make this stuff up."
"Oh yes," Kasumi said. "The family even decided to stay in a hotel for a few days to give them some privacy while they get all hot, wet, and nasty."
Now that was just plain too much for ole Ryoga. He ran away screaming.
"Oh dear oh dear," Kasumi said. "It may take the poor fellow a while to come to grips with this."
*****
Ryoga didn't know where he was running(of course, that was normal for him). He was just running.
"This is a dream!" he kept telling himself over and over again. "Just an awful terrible dream!"
Of course he was too busy not watching where he was running to notice the garbage can before he tripped over it, which sent him rolling through the door of the building across the street.
"Hey you!" A girl's voice slurred. "No custom...customerrsunless they..." hic! "...they can...can walkin."
Ryoga got back on his feet and got a good look at the proprietor of this establishment. "Ukyo?!"
"Thassrite honey," Ukyo said. She'd been getting good and loaded ever since getting home from school. Suffice it to say her confrontation with Ranma and Akane did NOT go well. "You..." hic! "...you know me. Goodolereliable Ucchan. Happy to be of service... or beserviced... or somethin like that. Who needssomestupid old fiance..."
"Are you..." Ryoga asked cautiously, "Are you drunk?"
"Youbetcha!" Ukyo said. This seemed to strike her as exceedingly funny, and she began to chuckle manicaly. This quickly turned into sobbing.
"Where did you get the alcohol?" Ryoga wanted to know. Ukyo was only sixteen years old. She couldn't just buy alcohol.
"From...fromthatguy," Ukyo just barely managed to point out the guy in the black fedora and thick glasses that was just getting up to leave.
"Yo," the guy said, giving Ukyo and Ryoga a thumbs up as he left.
[NOTE FROM THE EDITORS: The staff here wants it to be known that we do not encourage underage drinking, and the actions taken by the mysterious man in the black fedora should not be taken as the policy of the editorial staff (me) or the writers (also me). On behalf of all of me, drinking is bad kids! Thank you.]
"Who's that guy?" Ryoga asked.
"Whocares?" Ukyo slurred, then started sobbing again.
"What's the matter?" Ryoga wanted to know.
"Stupid, stupid Ranma!" she wailed. "I..." hic! "...caught him!"
In a flash everything Kasumi and Happosai had told him came back to Ryoga. "Oh no..."
"Shewas all overim," Ukyo continued, "like an octopus or somethin... heee...he couldafought her off...hesbeated... beated... lossastrongguys and stuff...buthe didnwana."
"Oh no..." Ryoga pleaded, "please no..."
"Ilosthim to atomboythatcantcook!" Ukyo wailed.
There was a distinct sound of glass shattering as Ryoga slumped over the counter, lost in absolute misery.
"I'm in hell!" he wailed.
Ukyo seemed to snap out of her anguish. "Hey...youneed a..." hic! "...a drink."
She pulled out a container that might have been a very big glass, or just a big vase, and began filling it with sake.
"Yossgot some catchinup," she said.
Lost in misery, Ryoga decided it couldn't hurt. He started drinking.
"Yourekina...cute," Ukyo said. "Youknowthat?"
*****
The next morning Ukyo awoke with a splitting headache.
"Oh wow!" she said as she sat up. "Just how much did I drink last night?"
Something didn't feel right, actually something was horribly wrong, but in her hung over state she wasn't sure what.
She looked down at herself. "Okay, where are my cloths?" she wondered. She wasn't in the habit of sleeping in the nude. That was wierd, but that wasn't it.
"What am I doing on this side of the bed?" she wondered next. She didn't usually make a habit of sleeping on one side or the other of the bed either, prefering to sprawl out in the middle. That wasn't it, but she had a feeling that she was getting warmer.
She looked over to the other side of the bed to see Ryoga's naked form starting to wake up.
That was it.
"Oh god."
Ryoga awoke and looked up. His eyes widdened.
"What... What are you doing here!" he uttered in terror.
"This is my bed, you jackass!" Ukyo shot back. "The question is what are you doing here?"
Ryoga's eyes slowly lowered, moving from looking at her face to fearfully glimpsing her exposed breasts.
"You're naked!" he said incredulously.
"Watch the eyes, pig boy!" Ukyo shouted as she pulled the covers up with one hand and slapped Ryoga good with the other.
Ryoga wisely averted his eyes. "Did... did we..."
"NO!" Ukyo shouted. "Listen up Ryoga, this never happened! It's beyond pathetic, I am not that desperate, and it never happened. You got that? We never speak of this again!"
"O... okay," Ryoga said, still trying to process what had "never happened".
"Now get out of here," Ukyo ordered.
Ryoga quickly gathered up his scattered cloths and fled. Only then did Ukyo relax.
"What was I thinking?" she wondered. "At least its over."
Maybe she should have gotten a second opinion...
*****
Nine months later...
"Mr. Hibiki?" the nurse said. "Your wife is ready to see you."
Ryoga recieved a supporting pat on the back from Ranma (both he and Akane had come along with Ryoga, partially to make sure he got there in time for the blessed event) before following the nurse.
He was led into the delivery room, where his wife, Ukyo Hibiki, held their new son. Seeing mother holding son like that just brought all kinds of warm and fuzzy feelings to Ryoga's heart, and it was almost enough to make him hope that perhaps their marriage could become a little more... meaningful.
Okay, sure he had originally proposed only because it was the honorable thing to do. And sure she had only accepted because she couldn't hope to take care of a child and support herself on her own. Sure there was no warmth or affection from Ukyo at all, and sure she still never really gave up on Ranma. Sure she told Ryoga practically every day that she hated his guts for what he did to her... But maybe this would change that. Maybe Ukyo would see it in her heart to forgive him for one night that was as much her fault as his (maybe more, she WAS the one passing out the sake). Maybe she could find it in her heart to... love him like he loved her...
"Ryoga, dear," Ukyo said softly. "C'mere."
Ryoga leaned in to hear what his wife had to say. "Yes honey?"
"As soon as our son is old enough to take care of himself," Ukyo said with that sort of sugary acid voice she did so well (sweet yet corrosive), "I'm going to kill you."
Ryoga winced. "Yes dear."
Or maybe not.
FIN.
Author's notes:
1) Well how did you expect me to get them together? I'm sorry, I'm just not a fan of the classic romantic Ryoga/Ukyo matchup. I think Ryoga can easily fall in love with practically anything in a skirt, but I just don't see it from Ukyo's end. Besides, it sounds like the joining of the loosers. Two people who couldn't get who they wanted so they settled for each other.
2) No I don't think of Akane as a perverted superfreak. However everything she does is with great vigor. She fights with great vigor, she gets angry with great vigor, she cooks, not well, but with great vigor. It makes sense that once she figured out the joy of boinking Ranma she would do that too with... well with great vigor.
3) In reference to a comment I recieved concerning the last chapter: After recent veiwing of the first hundred and twenty odd episodes of the TV series (including a day long viewing of the season three boxed set a couple days ago), I can say definitively that Akane Tendo's hair is colored dark blue. HOWEVER, I vaguely recall hearing somewhere that the dark blue coloring is frequently used to represent black in Anime. I do not know how reliable that claim is, as I simply cannot recall where it came from or why it would be so. On the other hand, the few bits of Manga I have seen indicate that Akane has black hair in the manga. What does this mean? For the purposes of this story Akane will have black or blue hair depending on my whims (expect it to change from chapter to chapter).
4) Don't let this rather quick update fool you. I have no real clue when I'll get more ideas for this. (Though I suppose I should work on it, seeing as how I included a nice little cliffhanger in this chapter...)
5) Credit where credit is due... The phrase "Hot Steamy Jungle Sex" is not my own. I remember hearing it (or something like it) on an episode of Fraiser and it just seemed to fit.
Pointless tales of paring off
Standard Issue Disclaimer:
Ranma 1/2 is not mine to do with as I please. It belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and some other people whose names I don't recall. Please don't sue me!
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CASE 2: Ukyo Kuonji and Ryoga Hibiki, OR The Honorable Thing
Ukyo Kuonji was, to say the least, a worried young woman as she searched the grounds of Furinkan High for Ranma.
Ranma had been acting rather odd this morning. All through class today Ukyo had seem him stealing dopey looks at Akane. What's worse, she also saw Akane returning the looks. This was a dangerous precedent. Ukyo had always understood that Akane was her most serious competition for Ranma. Anyone with an eye and three brain cells could tell that the pair had a thing for each other. Fortunately though, this hadn't seemed to include either Ranma or Akane.
However, it seemed that something had changed. Ukyo recognized lovesick eyes when she saw them.
"Damnit!" she groused as she searched for Ranma. "If those two managed to sort themselves out then I've got a lot of work to do." Of course Ukyo could never believe that Ranma actually LOVED Akane. It just didn't fit in her world view, but she did acknowledge the idea of teenage infatuation, which right now was just as bad.
She learned just how bad when she rounded a tree and found Ranma and Akane in a secluded part of the grounds.
"Cut it out Akane!" Ranma pleaded as Akane pawed him with cheerful abandon. "We're still in school! What if someone sees us?"
"Awe, come on Ranma!" Akane said in a playful, hungry... erotic tone that Ukyo hadn't thought she was capable of. "It's lunchtime, nobody's around, and I'm hungry!"
"That hussy!" Ukyo hissed to herself as she ducked behind the tree to keep from being seen.
"Geeze Akane!" Ranma pleaded, "I thought you said you weren't gonna do this no more!"
"No more?!?!" Ukyo fumed to herself. "Just who does she think she is?"
Whatever had come over Akane hadn't defused her quicksilver anger. "Oh sure!" she snapped. "You were more than happy to have your way with me last night when I was all drugged up!"
Ukyo grabbed a low hanging tree branch, snapping it off in her shock, anger and betrayal. "HE WHAT!"
"Now hold on a minute Akane!" Ranma demanded, having not noticed Ukyo's shout, "You ain't pinning that on me! You were the one who jumped me, got that?"
"Oh, sure Ranma!" Akane said. "Like you were fighting real hard to get away!"
Ukyo was currently approaching levels of rage that not even Akane would visit. The squabling couple didn't particularly notice.
"That's different!" Ranma insisted.
"Oh is it?!" Akane demanded.
"YEAH!" Ranma shouted back.
Akane's anger seemed to vanish, replaced with a predatory grin. "I get it," she said. "You're scared!"
"Ex...excuse me?" Ranma stammered.
"You're scared!" Akane repeated. "I bet you wouldn't even have the guts to kiss me!"
"IS THAT SO!" Ranma shot back.
"YEAH!" Akane returned.
"YOU JUST WATCH ME!" And with that Ranma kissed her.
Something seemed to snap within Ukyo as she watched Ranma and Akane share a very passionate kiss. She just stood there like a rock as the couple fell to the grass, still trading kisses.
"Akane... we... we shouldn't..." Ranma's words weren't very coherent, but he got the point across.
Akane was in the meanwhile working on the buttons of Ranma's shirt. "Shut up Ranma," she said.
"Okay."
Something else seemed to snap within Ukyo, and she realized that she could do something about this. She drew her spatula. "I...WILL...KILL...THEM..." she raged, clearly ready to carry out the deed.
Somewhere in the tangle of kisses and heavy petting, Ranma managed to tell Akane he loved her. Though Akane missed it (engrossed as she was in Ranma's body rather than his words), Ukyo didn't. This had an imediate affect on her. Her anger vanished in an instant, replaced by deep, deep sadness. A single tear slid (dramatically) down her cheek.
"See you around, Ranchan," she said, turning and walking away without ever being seen. Ranma and Akane had each other. Who was she to interfere?
She wasn't sure how long she wandered around after that, but eventually she ran into Kuno. The kendoist seemed downright angry.
"Ukyo Kuonji," he said. "Hast thou spied the despicable Ranma Saotome?"
Ukyo was imediately on her guard. "Why do you want to know?"
"I have heard of his apalling deeds from the lips of Nabiki Tendo," Kuno said, increasingly livid. "The vile Saotome has destroyed the purity of the beauteous Akane Tendo and the Pig Tailed Girl. For this crime I will destroy him! Now, tell me quick woman, wither Saotome?"
Ukyo was about to say she didn't know, but then something crept into her mind. It was that little spark. The one that would make her hunt down someone for wrongs comitted a decade before by someone else. The one that would compel her to bring exploding food to a wedding. In a flash, Ukyo Kuonji rediscovered her vindictiveness. Screw not interfering, she wanted her revenge!
"He's that way sugar," she said, pointing out the proper direction for Kuno. "We'd better hurry. He and Akane are alone together and he's got that look about him."
Kuno's eyes flashed with rage. "Saotome... today your evil ends!"
They started running.
*****
Akane snuggled in Ranma's arms after they were... umm... done.
It simply amazed Ranma. Most of the time if they were saying anything they were bickering, fighting, or shouting about something. Even when they were... ahem... imersed in the act, they were at each other's throats (Ranma had the bruises and scratches to prove it). However, as they basked in the afterglow of what they shared, everything seemed to change. As Akane snuggled up to him, sighing contentedly, Ranma almost couldn't believe that this sweet, beautiful girl in his arms was the same violent tomboy he knew so well. He could sit here forever, running his fingers through her soft bl...
Wait a minute. "Akane?"
Akane turned her head and gazed into Ranma's eyes with a loving look. "Yes?"
"What color is your hair?"
The look Akane now gave Ranma seemed to indicate she was expecting him to say something entirely else. "What?"
"Your hair is black, right?"
"Yes Ranma," Akane said, quite frustrated. She was looking for romance and he asks about her hair color? Talk about a mood killer! "It's black, it's always been black. Why is that so important?"
"Well, Cologne said the powder that... umm... that made you... you know... when we..." Even here, with Akane in his arms after a bout of hot sweaty jungle sex he couldn't actually bring himself to say it.
"What about the powder," Akane said impatiently.
"Well, she said it only had that affect on vio... err... on japanese girls with blue hair. So..."
Akane's frustration quickly switched to anger as she shot to her feet. "So what?" she demanded. "Are you trying to tell me that I wasn't under the influence of that powder? ARE YOU CALLING ME SOME KIND OF PERVERT?!"
"That ain't it Akane!" Ranma protested. "You ain't no pervert! I just thought it was kinda wierd, that's all."
Akane seemed to calm down, but she was still simmering when she lay back down and cuddled next to Ranma again. "Probably the stupid gaijin that made it," she complained. "He probably couldn't tell the difference between blue hair and black..."
A stupid gaijin with thick glasses and a black fedora walked past, giving them a thumbs up.
"Yo," he said cheerfully like some kind of mental patient before disapearing behind a tree.
"Who was that?" Ranma asked, confused. Part of him thought he should be alarmed that someone had seen them together like this, but for some reason he knew this guy didn't count.
"I have no idea," Akane said.
"SAOTOME!" Another figure stepped out from behind a tree.
Ranma had no trouble recognizing this one. "Kuno..." he said nervously, "Umm... something wrong?"
Ukyo likewise stepped out from behind the tree. "Hey Ranchan," she said, her voice friendly and yet distinctly NOT friendly, her spatula already out. "Whoah, done already eh? Kinda quick on the draw, aren't you?"
Ranma and Akane suddenly realized that they were still in each other's arms and quickly separated, each blushing furiously.
"Hold it!" Ranma said. "It ain't what it seems..."
"Save it Ranchan," Ukyo said. "I saw the opening act."
Ranma and Akane each found previously unknown shades of red.
"Well...umm..." Ranma babbled, "that was just... well..."
"Saotome..." Kuno hissed. "You enemy of women, you despoiler of virtue, today you breath your LAST!"
"Sorry honey," Ukyo said, "it's the principle of the thing."
Then they both attacked.
But that's a story for another time.
*****
Is it a cliche to say Ryoga Hibiki was lost?
Well, he was.
"Where am I now?" he wondered as he walked along a strangely familiar shopping district. "I've been traveling for so long, I wonder what Akane's doing right now."
"The Tendo school of everything goes sensual arts matress pole ride?" a helpful and cheerful voice offered.
"Good one Kasumi!" a wizened dirty old voice said. "I always knew I liked you the best."
"Why thank you grandfather Happosai," Kasumi replied.
Ryoga was sutably stunned. This can't be! Did... did he just hear Kasumi say THAT? He began to slowly turn around.
Kasumi smiled vacantly for him, Happosai standing next to her (Kasumi was his chaperone so he wouldn't bug Ranma and Akane). "Why hello Ryoga," she said. "It is so nice to see you again."
"What..." Ryoga sputtered, "what did... did... did you just say about Akane?"
Happosai took on a very knowing, wise look. "My son," he said...
"Screwing people raw," "As does the phone company," "So shall Akane."
"Oh my," Kasumi said. "That was very poetic, though I don't think the sylable count will work in Japanese."
The heavens prepared a lightning bolt for Kasumi, then realized they didn't have the heart to zap her and let it pass.
Ryoga in the meanwhile seemed to have been turned to stone.
"Hmm," Happosai said. "I was trying to let the lad down easily."
"What..." Ryoga began to say again. "What... did you... say?"
"Oh dear," Kasumi said. "I don't think he's getting it." She decided to try again. "Akane has booked a permanent pass on Ranma's log ride."
Ryoga twitched a little.
"With free slurpys with every ride," Kasumi added.
Ryoga twitched again.
"And a hot dog to chew on whenever she wants it," Happosai offered.
Another twitch.
Happosai got a look of pure frustration. "RANMA AND AKANE ARE HAVING SEX!"
That did it.
Ryoga fell to his knees and cried out to the heavens.
"NO, I WON'T BELIEVE IT! IT CAN'T BE TRUE!"
The heavens hit Ryoga with the lightning bolt originally meant for Kasumi. Waste not want not.
"Believe it, kid," Happosai said. "We wouldn't make this stuff up."
"Oh yes," Kasumi said. "The family even decided to stay in a hotel for a few days to give them some privacy while they get all hot, wet, and nasty."
Now that was just plain too much for ole Ryoga. He ran away screaming.
"Oh dear oh dear," Kasumi said. "It may take the poor fellow a while to come to grips with this."
*****
Ryoga didn't know where he was running(of course, that was normal for him). He was just running.
"This is a dream!" he kept telling himself over and over again. "Just an awful terrible dream!"
Of course he was too busy not watching where he was running to notice the garbage can before he tripped over it, which sent him rolling through the door of the building across the street.
"Hey you!" A girl's voice slurred. "No custom...customerrsunless they..." hic! "...they can...can walkin."
Ryoga got back on his feet and got a good look at the proprietor of this establishment. "Ukyo?!"
"Thassrite honey," Ukyo said. She'd been getting good and loaded ever since getting home from school. Suffice it to say her confrontation with Ranma and Akane did NOT go well. "You..." hic! "...you know me. Goodolereliable Ucchan. Happy to be of service... or beserviced... or somethin like that. Who needssomestupid old fiance..."
"Are you..." Ryoga asked cautiously, "Are you drunk?"
"Youbetcha!" Ukyo said. This seemed to strike her as exceedingly funny, and she began to chuckle manicaly. This quickly turned into sobbing.
"Where did you get the alcohol?" Ryoga wanted to know. Ukyo was only sixteen years old. She couldn't just buy alcohol.
"From...fromthatguy," Ukyo just barely managed to point out the guy in the black fedora and thick glasses that was just getting up to leave.
"Yo," the guy said, giving Ukyo and Ryoga a thumbs up as he left.
[NOTE FROM THE EDITORS: The staff here wants it to be known that we do not encourage underage drinking, and the actions taken by the mysterious man in the black fedora should not be taken as the policy of the editorial staff (me) or the writers (also me). On behalf of all of me, drinking is bad kids! Thank you.]
"Who's that guy?" Ryoga asked.
"Whocares?" Ukyo slurred, then started sobbing again.
"What's the matter?" Ryoga wanted to know.
"Stupid, stupid Ranma!" she wailed. "I..." hic! "...caught him!"
In a flash everything Kasumi and Happosai had told him came back to Ryoga. "Oh no..."
"Shewas all overim," Ukyo continued, "like an octopus or somethin... heee...he couldafought her off...hesbeated... beated... lossastrongguys and stuff...buthe didnwana."
"Oh no..." Ryoga pleaded, "please no..."
"Ilosthim to atomboythatcantcook!" Ukyo wailed.
There was a distinct sound of glass shattering as Ryoga slumped over the counter, lost in absolute misery.
"I'm in hell!" he wailed.
Ukyo seemed to snap out of her anguish. "Hey...youneed a..." hic! "...a drink."
She pulled out a container that might have been a very big glass, or just a big vase, and began filling it with sake.
"Yossgot some catchinup," she said.
Lost in misery, Ryoga decided it couldn't hurt. He started drinking.
"Yourekina...cute," Ukyo said. "Youknowthat?"
*****
The next morning Ukyo awoke with a splitting headache.
"Oh wow!" she said as she sat up. "Just how much did I drink last night?"
Something didn't feel right, actually something was horribly wrong, but in her hung over state she wasn't sure what.
She looked down at herself. "Okay, where are my cloths?" she wondered. She wasn't in the habit of sleeping in the nude. That was wierd, but that wasn't it.
"What am I doing on this side of the bed?" she wondered next. She didn't usually make a habit of sleeping on one side or the other of the bed either, prefering to sprawl out in the middle. That wasn't it, but she had a feeling that she was getting warmer.
She looked over to the other side of the bed to see Ryoga's naked form starting to wake up.
That was it.
"Oh god."
Ryoga awoke and looked up. His eyes widdened.
"What... What are you doing here!" he uttered in terror.
"This is my bed, you jackass!" Ukyo shot back. "The question is what are you doing here?"
Ryoga's eyes slowly lowered, moving from looking at her face to fearfully glimpsing her exposed breasts.
"You're naked!" he said incredulously.
"Watch the eyes, pig boy!" Ukyo shouted as she pulled the covers up with one hand and slapped Ryoga good with the other.
Ryoga wisely averted his eyes. "Did... did we..."
"NO!" Ukyo shouted. "Listen up Ryoga, this never happened! It's beyond pathetic, I am not that desperate, and it never happened. You got that? We never speak of this again!"
"O... okay," Ryoga said, still trying to process what had "never happened".
"Now get out of here," Ukyo ordered.
Ryoga quickly gathered up his scattered cloths and fled. Only then did Ukyo relax.
"What was I thinking?" she wondered. "At least its over."
Maybe she should have gotten a second opinion...
*****
Nine months later...
"Mr. Hibiki?" the nurse said. "Your wife is ready to see you."
Ryoga recieved a supporting pat on the back from Ranma (both he and Akane had come along with Ryoga, partially to make sure he got there in time for the blessed event) before following the nurse.
He was led into the delivery room, where his wife, Ukyo Hibiki, held their new son. Seeing mother holding son like that just brought all kinds of warm and fuzzy feelings to Ryoga's heart, and it was almost enough to make him hope that perhaps their marriage could become a little more... meaningful.
Okay, sure he had originally proposed only because it was the honorable thing to do. And sure she had only accepted because she couldn't hope to take care of a child and support herself on her own. Sure there was no warmth or affection from Ukyo at all, and sure she still never really gave up on Ranma. Sure she told Ryoga practically every day that she hated his guts for what he did to her... But maybe this would change that. Maybe Ukyo would see it in her heart to forgive him for one night that was as much her fault as his (maybe more, she WAS the one passing out the sake). Maybe she could find it in her heart to... love him like he loved her...
"Ryoga, dear," Ukyo said softly. "C'mere."
Ryoga leaned in to hear what his wife had to say. "Yes honey?"
"As soon as our son is old enough to take care of himself," Ukyo said with that sort of sugary acid voice she did so well (sweet yet corrosive), "I'm going to kill you."
Ryoga winced. "Yes dear."
Or maybe not.
FIN.
Author's notes:
1) Well how did you expect me to get them together? I'm sorry, I'm just not a fan of the classic romantic Ryoga/Ukyo matchup. I think Ryoga can easily fall in love with practically anything in a skirt, but I just don't see it from Ukyo's end. Besides, it sounds like the joining of the loosers. Two people who couldn't get who they wanted so they settled for each other.
2) No I don't think of Akane as a perverted superfreak. However everything she does is with great vigor. She fights with great vigor, she gets angry with great vigor, she cooks, not well, but with great vigor. It makes sense that once she figured out the joy of boinking Ranma she would do that too with... well with great vigor.
3) In reference to a comment I recieved concerning the last chapter: After recent veiwing of the first hundred and twenty odd episodes of the TV series (including a day long viewing of the season three boxed set a couple days ago), I can say definitively that Akane Tendo's hair is colored dark blue. HOWEVER, I vaguely recall hearing somewhere that the dark blue coloring is frequently used to represent black in Anime. I do not know how reliable that claim is, as I simply cannot recall where it came from or why it would be so. On the other hand, the few bits of Manga I have seen indicate that Akane has black hair in the manga. What does this mean? For the purposes of this story Akane will have black or blue hair depending on my whims (expect it to change from chapter to chapter).
4) Don't let this rather quick update fool you. I have no real clue when I'll get more ideas for this. (Though I suppose I should work on it, seeing as how I included a nice little cliffhanger in this chapter...)
5) Credit where credit is due... The phrase "Hot Steamy Jungle Sex" is not my own. I remember hearing it (or something like it) on an episode of Fraiser and it just seemed to fit.