Couple's Therapy
Pointless tales of pairing off
Standard Issue Disclaimer:
Ranma 1/2 is not mine to do with as I please. It belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and some other people whose names I don't recall. Please don't sue me!
--------------------
CASE 5: Kasumi Tendo and Tofu Ono, OR Imminent Coitus
Part 1: What Betty Saw
"OH...GOD...RANMA...!"
Kasumi Tendo's eyes popped open as she lay in bed. Without even looking at her clock she knew it was far to late (or rather early) for those two to still be at it. Yet the noises, the cries of ecstasy (from two female throats, Kasumi noticed), the blood curdling screams (also from two female throats, Kasumi had never imagined how adventurous Akane could be), the rhythmic pounding, were still echoing through the house.
"Oh dear," she said tranquilly, "however do they expect anyone to sleep with that racket going on?"
Of course, this was hardly unexpected, Kasumi decided. Akane had beaten Shampoo thanks to Ranma's training and the couple had finally set a date for their wedding (a little more than two weeks from now). That was certainly something they would want to celebrate.
But they could certainly be more considerate of others, couldn't they?
A good night's sleep was important to Kasumi. She took care of this family, prepared their meals, did the laundry, the cleaning... If she didn't get a good night's sleep, what would this mean for her work? Would her tiredness lead to sloppy cooking, lax cleaning, or even worse, surliness?
Of course, she had a remedy for this particular problem...
It was a remedy developed over three hundred years of history by the Catherine the Great school of anything goes insomnia relief, an art first perfected by the Empress of Russia herself, an acute insomniac (among... other things). Though most techniques of that famous art required multiple participants, this particular one required only a lone individual.
A lone individual and a certain apparatus.
Kasumi slipped out of bed and headed over to the closet, hoping Akane hadn't borrowed the item in question. She was still waiting for her younger sister to return her handcuffs.
Fortunately she needn't have worried. She opened the closet and was happy to see the wooden box was still there. She quietly opened said box.
There, sitting in its velvet lined container, was the apparatus she wanted. Stenciled on the side of the device was the name Mr. Happy.
This sort of apparatus was first developed long ago for those practitioners of the Catherine the Great school (and schools like it) who, for whatever reason, lacked the necessary assistants to practice traditional techniques. Over the years the basic design evolved greatly from the classic manually driven models to the modern electrically powered ones like Mr. Happy. This particular device had been Kasumi's dear companion for some time now and had helped her get through many an otherwise sleepless night.
But... Kasumi hesitated as she reached for the apparatus. Lately Mr. Happy seemed to have lost its effectiveness. Perhaps her system was simply desensitized to the technique, but she just couldn't find the same... relief that she used to. As it stood now, Mr. Happy might not be up to the job any more.
And if Mr. Happy couldn't lull her off to a proper... umm... blissful slumber, then what would this mean for the family that depended on her?
No, it was time for a more drastic solution. She needed the use of more formidable techniques of the Catherine the Great school, techniques that would require a partner. Only with those techniques would she finally be able to get the sleep she so desperately needed.
Kasumi smiled as she climbed back into bed, leaving Mr. Happy behind in the closet. She already had a partner in mind, a man of medicine who would certainly be willing to help her with this most dire of needs.
She would begin tomorrow.
*****
She stepped into Doctor Tofu's office bright and early and completely unannounced the next morning.
"Ka... Kasumi!" Tofu uttered as his glasses fogged up. "How... how surprising to see you... here of... of all places..."
Fortunately, there were no patients present at this time, therefore there was little damage Tofu could do.
"Doctor," Kasumi said sweetly (much like she always spoke), "I was wondering if you could help me. You see, I've been having trouble sleeping."
"Well... umm... Kasumi," Tofu babbled, "you should probably see a doctor about that..."
Kasumi laughed cheerfully. "But you are a doctor," she pointed out.
"Oh... yeah... of course," Tofu began laughing like an idiot.
Kasumi laughed a little bit more. "I have something of a remedy for insomnia, but I need your help before I can use it."
"My... my help?" Tofu babbled some more. "Sure... sure Kasumi... whatever you need."
Kasumi's smile somehow seemed to become even more sunny and cheerful. "Thank you, doctor Tofu," she said.
"So... what do you need me to do, Kasumi?" Tofu asked.
Kasumi suddenly (somehow) found herself at a loss for words. It was inexplicable, but she'd never felt this embarrassed in her life. "Oh my, this is embarrassing, but, well... I need you to... well..."
A lightbulb suddenly seemed to switch on above her head. She had it!
Kasumi reached into a pocket and took out a donut, a nice, soft plain cake donut like you could get in any good Winchells (though admittedly probably not in Japan).
Why did she have a donut in her pocket? Just in case.
She looked at the donut, then looked at Tofu.
She then reached into another pocket and pulled out a carrot.
She looked at the carrot, then once again looked at Tofu.
She then began thrusting the carrot through the donut's hole, over and over again.
Tofu passed out.
"Oh dear," Kasumi said. "Dr. Tofu, are you all right?"
*****
Kasumi was patiently waiting when Dr. Tofu regained consciousness.
"You really must be more careful, Doctor," She admonished gently. "You could have hurt yourself falling like that."
Tofu babbled incoherently.
"So," Kasumi asked, still feeling strangely nervous, "when are we going to start the..."
She took a pencil and thrust it into a pencil sharpener, wearing it down to the eraser as she furiously worked it in and out of the device.
Tofu twitched a little and Kasumi decided he just wasn't getting it.
"Well, you see doctor," she said. "What I need is for you to... well... pierce the veil, give me a stout oak to play on, plumb the damp depths of my nether-realm, whip out your snake and unclog my drain..."
Tofu twitched a little more.
Frustrated, Kasumi took out a copy of the Kama Sutra (which, once again she had on hand just in case) and began pointing out positions, demonstrating them with a Barbie and Ken doll.
Tofu collapsed again.
"Oh dear," Kasumi said. "I haven't even demonstrated the rest of the techniques yet."
Tofu shot to his feet, babbled incoherently some more, then shot out of the office like a very confused and terrified rocket.
"Oh my," Kasumi said. "Perhaps he needs some time to think about it."
*****
Three weeks passed, and Kasumi got no word from Tofu. In fact, nobody had seen him in all that time.
Meanwhile everything was peaceful at the Tendo household.
Well, except for Ranma running away the night before his wedding to Akane, leaving only a short message behind for her, saying simply "I'm sorry".
And except for Akane, who, while in a state of supreme grief and anger, completely leveled the Cat Cafe, convinced that Shampoo somehow had something to do with Ranma's disappearance.
Then there was all that time Akane spent crying now that she had realized that Ranma had left entirely on his own free will and not because any of the fiancees tricked, drugged, ensorcelled, or blackmailed him.
And we of course can't forget the unfortunate traffic accident, which resulted in the death of Genma and that poor Mousse fellow.
Aside from all that, however, things were peaceful.
However, Kasumi was still having trouble sleeping, though now it was Akane's pathetic wails of misery rather than her wails of carnal ecstasy that were keeping her oldest sister up at night.
And still Kasumi got no word from the good doctor. This was quite distressing. If Kasumi did not get a solid night's sleep soon, she might very well begin to slip up on her housekeeping duties.
Perhaps it was time for her to seek the aid of a professional.
*****
Happosai heard a knock on the door to his room.
"What do you want?" he demanded, still ironing some of his recent acquisitions. With Ranma gone and Akane a basket case, the girl's locker room of Furinkan high was now his to roam with virtual impunity, and he had found himself with a veritable bounty of wonderful undies to peruse. "I'm a busy man here!"
"Grandfather Happosai?" Kasumi said as she slid the door open, "I hope I'm not interrupting anything."
"Why Kasumi," Happosai said cheerfully. He'd always had a special affection for the eldest Tendo daughter, "come in, I always have time for you."
"Why thank you, grandfather Happosai," Kasumi said. "I was wondering if you could help me with a rather sticky problem. You see, there's this medical condition that I have that I would like to get eliminated."
"And what would that be, Kasumi?"
"My virginity."
Happosai's brain very nearly went into emergency shutdown, and for once, he found himself at a loss for words. "You... you mean it?"
"Why yes," Kasumi said. "You see, I am a student of the Catherine the Great school and I've decided that it was time to perfect some of the more potent techniques of the school."
The Catherine the Great school! Happosai had always kind of suspected Kasumi's understanding of that infamous Russian art, but to hear his suspicions confirmed... and furthermore to be chosen to assist... why this was the greatest day of his life.
"Why Kasumi... I'm... I'm touched..." Or at least he was going to be he thought. Touched by an angel...
"Unfortunately," Kasumi said, "Dr. Tofu appears to have vanished before we could begin practicing, and I was wondering if you could help me find him."
Elation turned to despair in an instant. Happosai fell, crushed, to the floor.
"You... you mean you just want me to find him..." he said despondently. "You don't want me to be your partner..."
"Oh dear me," Kasumi said. "I'm afraid in your case that there might not be enough drill bit for the mine shaft."
Happosai slumped over defeated.
"Oh Kasumi!" he wailed. "How can you be so cruel!"
*****
TO BE CONTINUED...
Author's Notes:
1) Yes, I know part five was supposed to be about Shampoo and Mousse. However, That chapter has proven to be a lot tougher to write than I thought it would be. It's just not easy to figure out a way to get them two kids together. Fortunately, exactly how they get together isn't important to the overal story plan, meaning I can set their story aside for as long as I need to.
2) That's right. This is only part one of Kasumi and Tofu's story. Expect their story to span three chapters, complete with special guest stars, lots of subtle and not so subtle plot points, and plenty of everyone's favorite homemaker in action.
3) Genma and Mousse are dead and Ranma skipped out on his wedding? How the hell did this happen?!?! Patience Grasshopper. All shall be revealed in time.
4) Special apologies to Mr. Randal Bills, for parodying the title of one of his books for my own dark purposes. May all the fellow classic battletech players that read this trainwreck forgive me my trespasses.
5) Special thanks to someone who would most likely prefer to remain nameless, for his suggestions and input. I lay all the blame on his shoulders, even that which is solely my own.
6) Additional special thanks to someone else who would likewise probably want to remain nameless, for first devised the carrot and donut routine.
7) You didn't really think I'd have Kasumi and Happosai go at it, did you? EWWWW!
Pointless tales of pairing off
Standard Issue Disclaimer:
Ranma 1/2 is not mine to do with as I please. It belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and some other people whose names I don't recall. Please don't sue me!
--------------------
CASE 5: Kasumi Tendo and Tofu Ono, OR Imminent Coitus
Part 1: What Betty Saw
"OH...GOD...RANMA...!"
Kasumi Tendo's eyes popped open as she lay in bed. Without even looking at her clock she knew it was far to late (or rather early) for those two to still be at it. Yet the noises, the cries of ecstasy (from two female throats, Kasumi noticed), the blood curdling screams (also from two female throats, Kasumi had never imagined how adventurous Akane could be), the rhythmic pounding, were still echoing through the house.
"Oh dear," she said tranquilly, "however do they expect anyone to sleep with that racket going on?"
Of course, this was hardly unexpected, Kasumi decided. Akane had beaten Shampoo thanks to Ranma's training and the couple had finally set a date for their wedding (a little more than two weeks from now). That was certainly something they would want to celebrate.
But they could certainly be more considerate of others, couldn't they?
A good night's sleep was important to Kasumi. She took care of this family, prepared their meals, did the laundry, the cleaning... If she didn't get a good night's sleep, what would this mean for her work? Would her tiredness lead to sloppy cooking, lax cleaning, or even worse, surliness?
Of course, she had a remedy for this particular problem...
It was a remedy developed over three hundred years of history by the Catherine the Great school of anything goes insomnia relief, an art first perfected by the Empress of Russia herself, an acute insomniac (among... other things). Though most techniques of that famous art required multiple participants, this particular one required only a lone individual.
A lone individual and a certain apparatus.
Kasumi slipped out of bed and headed over to the closet, hoping Akane hadn't borrowed the item in question. She was still waiting for her younger sister to return her handcuffs.
Fortunately she needn't have worried. She opened the closet and was happy to see the wooden box was still there. She quietly opened said box.
There, sitting in its velvet lined container, was the apparatus she wanted. Stenciled on the side of the device was the name Mr. Happy.
This sort of apparatus was first developed long ago for those practitioners of the Catherine the Great school (and schools like it) who, for whatever reason, lacked the necessary assistants to practice traditional techniques. Over the years the basic design evolved greatly from the classic manually driven models to the modern electrically powered ones like Mr. Happy. This particular device had been Kasumi's dear companion for some time now and had helped her get through many an otherwise sleepless night.
But... Kasumi hesitated as she reached for the apparatus. Lately Mr. Happy seemed to have lost its effectiveness. Perhaps her system was simply desensitized to the technique, but she just couldn't find the same... relief that she used to. As it stood now, Mr. Happy might not be up to the job any more.
And if Mr. Happy couldn't lull her off to a proper... umm... blissful slumber, then what would this mean for the family that depended on her?
No, it was time for a more drastic solution. She needed the use of more formidable techniques of the Catherine the Great school, techniques that would require a partner. Only with those techniques would she finally be able to get the sleep she so desperately needed.
Kasumi smiled as she climbed back into bed, leaving Mr. Happy behind in the closet. She already had a partner in mind, a man of medicine who would certainly be willing to help her with this most dire of needs.
She would begin tomorrow.
*****
She stepped into Doctor Tofu's office bright and early and completely unannounced the next morning.
"Ka... Kasumi!" Tofu uttered as his glasses fogged up. "How... how surprising to see you... here of... of all places..."
Fortunately, there were no patients present at this time, therefore there was little damage Tofu could do.
"Doctor," Kasumi said sweetly (much like she always spoke), "I was wondering if you could help me. You see, I've been having trouble sleeping."
"Well... umm... Kasumi," Tofu babbled, "you should probably see a doctor about that..."
Kasumi laughed cheerfully. "But you are a doctor," she pointed out.
"Oh... yeah... of course," Tofu began laughing like an idiot.
Kasumi laughed a little bit more. "I have something of a remedy for insomnia, but I need your help before I can use it."
"My... my help?" Tofu babbled some more. "Sure... sure Kasumi... whatever you need."
Kasumi's smile somehow seemed to become even more sunny and cheerful. "Thank you, doctor Tofu," she said.
"So... what do you need me to do, Kasumi?" Tofu asked.
Kasumi suddenly (somehow) found herself at a loss for words. It was inexplicable, but she'd never felt this embarrassed in her life. "Oh my, this is embarrassing, but, well... I need you to... well..."
A lightbulb suddenly seemed to switch on above her head. She had it!
Kasumi reached into a pocket and took out a donut, a nice, soft plain cake donut like you could get in any good Winchells (though admittedly probably not in Japan).
Why did she have a donut in her pocket? Just in case.
She looked at the donut, then looked at Tofu.
She then reached into another pocket and pulled out a carrot.
She looked at the carrot, then once again looked at Tofu.
She then began thrusting the carrot through the donut's hole, over and over again.
Tofu passed out.
"Oh dear," Kasumi said. "Dr. Tofu, are you all right?"
*****
Kasumi was patiently waiting when Dr. Tofu regained consciousness.
"You really must be more careful, Doctor," She admonished gently. "You could have hurt yourself falling like that."
Tofu babbled incoherently.
"So," Kasumi asked, still feeling strangely nervous, "when are we going to start the..."
She took a pencil and thrust it into a pencil sharpener, wearing it down to the eraser as she furiously worked it in and out of the device.
Tofu twitched a little and Kasumi decided he just wasn't getting it.
"Well, you see doctor," she said. "What I need is for you to... well... pierce the veil, give me a stout oak to play on, plumb the damp depths of my nether-realm, whip out your snake and unclog my drain..."
Tofu twitched a little more.
Frustrated, Kasumi took out a copy of the Kama Sutra (which, once again she had on hand just in case) and began pointing out positions, demonstrating them with a Barbie and Ken doll.
Tofu collapsed again.
"Oh dear," Kasumi said. "I haven't even demonstrated the rest of the techniques yet."
Tofu shot to his feet, babbled incoherently some more, then shot out of the office like a very confused and terrified rocket.
"Oh my," Kasumi said. "Perhaps he needs some time to think about it."
*****
Three weeks passed, and Kasumi got no word from Tofu. In fact, nobody had seen him in all that time.
Meanwhile everything was peaceful at the Tendo household.
Well, except for Ranma running away the night before his wedding to Akane, leaving only a short message behind for her, saying simply "I'm sorry".
And except for Akane, who, while in a state of supreme grief and anger, completely leveled the Cat Cafe, convinced that Shampoo somehow had something to do with Ranma's disappearance.
Then there was all that time Akane spent crying now that she had realized that Ranma had left entirely on his own free will and not because any of the fiancees tricked, drugged, ensorcelled, or blackmailed him.
And we of course can't forget the unfortunate traffic accident, which resulted in the death of Genma and that poor Mousse fellow.
Aside from all that, however, things were peaceful.
However, Kasumi was still having trouble sleeping, though now it was Akane's pathetic wails of misery rather than her wails of carnal ecstasy that were keeping her oldest sister up at night.
And still Kasumi got no word from the good doctor. This was quite distressing. If Kasumi did not get a solid night's sleep soon, she might very well begin to slip up on her housekeeping duties.
Perhaps it was time for her to seek the aid of a professional.
*****
Happosai heard a knock on the door to his room.
"What do you want?" he demanded, still ironing some of his recent acquisitions. With Ranma gone and Akane a basket case, the girl's locker room of Furinkan high was now his to roam with virtual impunity, and he had found himself with a veritable bounty of wonderful undies to peruse. "I'm a busy man here!"
"Grandfather Happosai?" Kasumi said as she slid the door open, "I hope I'm not interrupting anything."
"Why Kasumi," Happosai said cheerfully. He'd always had a special affection for the eldest Tendo daughter, "come in, I always have time for you."
"Why thank you, grandfather Happosai," Kasumi said. "I was wondering if you could help me with a rather sticky problem. You see, there's this medical condition that I have that I would like to get eliminated."
"And what would that be, Kasumi?"
"My virginity."
Happosai's brain very nearly went into emergency shutdown, and for once, he found himself at a loss for words. "You... you mean it?"
"Why yes," Kasumi said. "You see, I am a student of the Catherine the Great school and I've decided that it was time to perfect some of the more potent techniques of the school."
The Catherine the Great school! Happosai had always kind of suspected Kasumi's understanding of that infamous Russian art, but to hear his suspicions confirmed... and furthermore to be chosen to assist... why this was the greatest day of his life.
"Why Kasumi... I'm... I'm touched..." Or at least he was going to be he thought. Touched by an angel...
"Unfortunately," Kasumi said, "Dr. Tofu appears to have vanished before we could begin practicing, and I was wondering if you could help me find him."
Elation turned to despair in an instant. Happosai fell, crushed, to the floor.
"You... you mean you just want me to find him..." he said despondently. "You don't want me to be your partner..."
"Oh dear me," Kasumi said. "I'm afraid in your case that there might not be enough drill bit for the mine shaft."
Happosai slumped over defeated.
"Oh Kasumi!" he wailed. "How can you be so cruel!"
*****
TO BE CONTINUED...
Author's Notes:
1) Yes, I know part five was supposed to be about Shampoo and Mousse. However, That chapter has proven to be a lot tougher to write than I thought it would be. It's just not easy to figure out a way to get them two kids together. Fortunately, exactly how they get together isn't important to the overal story plan, meaning I can set their story aside for as long as I need to.
2) That's right. This is only part one of Kasumi and Tofu's story. Expect their story to span three chapters, complete with special guest stars, lots of subtle and not so subtle plot points, and plenty of everyone's favorite homemaker in action.
3) Genma and Mousse are dead and Ranma skipped out on his wedding? How the hell did this happen?!?! Patience Grasshopper. All shall be revealed in time.
4) Special apologies to Mr. Randal Bills, for parodying the title of one of his books for my own dark purposes. May all the fellow classic battletech players that read this trainwreck forgive me my trespasses.
5) Special thanks to someone who would most likely prefer to remain nameless, for his suggestions and input. I lay all the blame on his shoulders, even that which is solely my own.
6) Additional special thanks to someone else who would likewise probably want to remain nameless, for first devised the carrot and donut routine.
7) You didn't really think I'd have Kasumi and Happosai go at it, did you? EWWWW!