Couple's Therapy
Pointless tales of pairing off
Disclaimer:
All non original concepts are not mine to do with as I please. they belongs to their respective owners. Please don't sue me!
This one might get a little weird in spots. I really shouldn't try typing at three or four a.m.!
--------------------
CASE 9: Various, OR Wars of the Heart
Part Three: The Others
--------------------
And the evening and the morning were the second day.
(or something like that)
Furinkan high school was once again abuzz with gossip as Ukyo entered the grounds.
Ranma had returned to Furinkan yesterday, and, suffice it to say things were eventful. As she heard the gossip about monsters, flying mitsubishis, and poisonous spiders, Ukyo almost regretted missing it, having had a doctor's appointment.
She felt resistance on the chain she held in her hand, and she tugged on it in frustration. "Move it, pig slave," she said. "You're not making me late for class."
"Yes Ukyo," Ryoga said, feeling uncomfortable and shamed with the heavy metal collar Ukyo had fastened to his neck, not to mention the leash he was now on. "Are you sure this is necessary?"
"Stop asking stupid questions," Ukyo said sharply. She'd come up with the leash after Ryoga had managed to disappear for a full day. The pig boy wasn't going to get away that easily. If it shamed and humiliated him to be on a leash in public like a dog, all the better. It was only what he deserved for what he did to her...
Besides, it wasn't like she could leave him home. Konatsu, her crossdressing ninja waiter, didn't exactly get along with Ryoga all that well since the engagement. If Ukyo left the pig boy home, she might come home one day and find him dead in the trash. She couldn't have that, oh no...
She wasn't done making him suffer.
"What are those things?" Ryoga said, pointing at one of the trees.
Ukyo looked and saw what Ryoga meant. There was a small straw doll complete with a little pigtail nailed to the tree.
Actually, to every tree.
"I guess Gosunkugi knows what's going on," Ukyo said. "I wonder what he's going to do about it."
The first bell rang. "Well, let's go, pig boy," Ukyo said, tugging Ryoga along.
Odd, she didn't see either Ranma or Akane anywhere. That was probably a good thing. She didn't know if she could face them just yet.
*****
Ranma and Akane showed up about a minute late to class and looking... well... quite the fright.
Ms. Hinako was unsympathetic. "Stand in the hall."
Ukyo studied their disheveled appearance. Their messed up hair, the way Ranma's shirt wasn't quite buttoned properly, that sort of transcended look he had in his eyes... It seemed that they had overslept...
The implication hit her right in the heart like a sharp blade.
"I guess they've worked out their differences," Ryoga, who was sitting on the floor next to her seat, said softly. "That's... that's wonderful..."
And to illustrate how wonderful he found it, Ryoga started weeping.
"What's so wonderful about it!" Ukyo snapped.
"You can join Mr. Saotome and Ms. Tendo in the hall, Ms. Kuonji," Ms Hinako said.
*****
It was, to be sure, a quiet bit of punishment. The four of them stood there, Ryoga holding Ukyo's water buckets (that's what pig-slaves do), a stony silence reigning among them.
Ukyo finally decided to break that silence. "You two had a long night I see," she said bitterly.
Both Ranma and Akane blushed furiously, which confirmed Ukyo's preconceived assumptions.
"It's not like that!" Akane blurted out.
"Like what?" Ukyo asked innocently.
"Nothing," Akane replied sheepishly.
Ukyo sighed. "Listen Ranma," she said. "I... it hurts, but I don't hold what you and Akane did against you. We all have our little indiscretions, and I'm sure you regret what happened as much as I regret letting Ryoga take advantage of me..."
"Regret what happened!" Akane snapped angrily.
"Taking advantage of you!" Ryoga barked an instant later (pig slave though he was now, he still had his pride. Ukyo was the one who got him drunk after all).
"We can still work things out," Ukyo continued. "We can just put it all behind us."
Ranma, by the way, was feeling exceedingly nervous. NOTHING good would come from this, no sir.
"Just what do you mean?" he asked.
"Ranma!" Akane cried, taking his statement to mean he was considering Ukyo's words.
Ukyo looked at Ranma with a look of absolute, agonizing love. She was going for broke here.
"I want you to marry me and help me raise my child," she said, her eyes dewy and sparkling. "He could be our child."
Ranma gulped.
Akane fumed.
Ryoga said nothing. He just sighed a little sigh.
"Well, umm, I'm sorry Ukyo," Ranma stumbled. "I... that is... I'm not ready to be gettin married right now."
"Not right now?" Ukyo said, seizing on his wishy washy attempt not to hurt her feelings. "But in time...? Are you saying you want to marry me one day?"
Akane positively glowed with anger. "I'd like to know what you meant by that too," she said sternly.
Ranma glanced at Akane, then at Ukyo, then back to Akane, then back to Ukyo. Then he just threw his head back in exasperation.
"Ranma-honey?" Ukyo said sweetly.
"Well Ranma?" Akane demanded.
Fortunately, he would be spared having to give an answer just yet.
"RANMA SAOTOME, PREPARE TO DIE!"
Kuno came charging down the hall with bokken upraised.
"Lowely wretch!" he cried. "For what you have done to Akane and the pig tailed girl there can be no forgiveness!"
"Oh man," Ranma said. "I'm not sticking around for this!" He started running, first tossing his water bucket at Kuno in order to slow him down a little.
"Get back here Ranma!" Akane yelled as she followed. "You're not worming your way out of this one!"
"Ranma-honey," Ukyo pled as she too went on the chase, "if I don't have a husband, my entire family name will be shamed! You can't leave me with Ryoga!"
"Ow, ow, leggo!" Ryoga pled as he was dragged along by his leash.
"Incubus!" Kuno spat as he followed the rest. "You will not escape the wrath of the Blue Thunder!"
The classroom window slid open and Hiroshi and Daisuke leaned out to watch the quickly receding mob.
"The more things change," Hiroshi said.
"The more they stay the same," Daisuke finished.
*****
"That fool Saotome, he won't escape me."
Hikaru Gosunkugi had found a quiet corner of the school grounds to conduct his work. The ink he was mixing reeked noxiously, and he didn't dare let anyone, especially Saotome, know what he was planning until it was too late.
"I've just been toying with you before, Saotome. Now I start to get serious."
He took a brush and started sketching on a sheet of paper.
Like everyone else, he'd heard about Ranma and Akane's love affair early on. Unlike most everyone else, he went catatonic for a couple of days afterwards.
But he was better now. And weeks of research had finally given him the tool he needed to eliminate Saotome once and for all.
The ink he had mixed was an ancient recipe first devised during Japan's Sengoku era, the recipe called for old fashioned charcoal ink mixed with blood and liver of humans, as well as a sacred jewel dissolved in the concoction.
Of course, he had to improvise a little. Pig's blood and liver from the local butcher replaced the human element, but it would work just as well, right? The sacred jewel was fairly genuine, or at least that was what the old shrine priest that had sold it to him had claimed.
"Soon Saotome will cower at the power of my new magic," he said giddily as he kept sketching.
"Is that so?" another voice asked, making Gosunkugi jump. He turned to see Nabiki Tendo standing over him. "So, what you got there?"
Gosunkugi frantically tried to cover his work, "it's nothing, nothing at all!" he claimed.
"Interesting little doodle," Nabiki said.
On the paper, said doodle started to move.
"Well, look at that," Nabiki said, obviously impressed.
Gosunkugi looked back to the paper, and he felt an insane smile spread across his face. "It's working!" he cried. "Ahahahahaha! Saotome, now you will feel my vengeance!"
The doodle in the meanwhile had pulled itself off of the paper. The Hell Demon was free to bring terror to the hated Saotome!
"Fear me!" it demanded in a tiny little voice as it shambled towards Nabiki's shoe.
Gosunkugi felt his hopes collapse. His demon of hell had manifested, but...
"Blood, liver, truffles," it growled as it started gnawing ineffectually on Nabiki's shoe.
It was so small!
Slightly annoyed (it was scuffing her shoe), Nabiki lifted her foot and brought it down on the hell demon. The hellspawned creature expired in a small splash of ink.
"I sure hope you didn't need him," Nabiki said in a rough approximation of an appologetic voice.
Gosunkugi reached into his pocket and took out the keychain his sacred jewel had been attached to. It read "sunset shrine".
"Curse you you old fraud!" he raged impotently. He tossed the keychain to the ground and took out his hammer and nail. "Selling me a worthless jewel!"
He began driving the nail into the keychain (which actually didn't work all that well). After a few moments of impotently trying to drive metal into metal, he gave up and threw his tools to the ground.
"What am I going to do?" he wailed. "How can I defeat Saotome?"
"Why don't you forget about that?" Nabiki asked. "Listen, I've been looking for someone to come work for me, and I think you'd be perfect for the job."
Gosunkugi was certainly surprised. "You want me to work for you, Ms Tendo?" he asked. It was like a light at the end of the long dark tunnel! Working for Nabiki Tendo would let him be close to Akane!
"That's right," Nabiki said. "You'll do certain odd jobs for me. It'll pay pretty well."
Gosunkugi was still caught up in the euphoria of possibly being close to Akane on a regular basis, but... "What do you mean, odd jobs?"
Nabiki didn't respond at once, and Sasuke's arrival forestalled any further explanations.
"Mistress Nabiki," he said. "There you are. Master Kuno was worried that you seemed to be absent. If I may ask, is anything the matter?"
Gosunkugi just stood there, as though turned to stone, just staring at the little ninja.
"Everything is fine, Sasuke," Nabiki said. "Why don't you run along now?"
"Certainly there is something I can help you with..."
"No," Nabiki said shortly, as though her patience was wearing thin. "I'll be along soon."
"Very well, Mistress Nabiki," Sasuke said. He departed in a flash, though Nabiki suspected he would remain close by to keep an eye on her.
Gosunkugi finally found a voice. All thoughts about defeating Ranma or being close to Akane were gone. Now all his thoughts were on that little ninja. It was unreal, unnatural, unexplainable, senseless, but it was true! It was like it was kismet, fate, destiny that they should meet and he should feel what he was feeling now...
It was... hate at first sight.
Deep, dark, fiery passionate hatred.
"I don't like him," he said. He couldn't explain it, but this... Sasuke was now his enemy. He knew that, to borrow the old cliche, this world wasn't big enough for the two of them.
"He'll be your first assignment," Nabiki said. "Deal with him however you would like. Just keep him out of the way for a while."
Gosunkugi nodded. "I'll do it."
*****
"Come back here Ranma!"
"Ranma-honey, wait!"
"Leggo, come on, leggo!"
"Saotome, stand and fight you coward!"
Needless to say, the chase was still ongoing, having moved from the halls of the school to the fields outside. Ranma had never thought he'd want to actually thank Kuno for something, but getting him out of that little situation back there...
Then again he'd kind of whimsically hoped that, seeing as how he and Akane were... umm... well... closer than before, the others would back down and leave them alone.
Boy was that wishful thinking! In some cases it had only seemed to make things worse. Kodachi... damn her! ...had tried to murder Akane, and Ranma was pretty sure that her brother was looking to do the same thing to him right now.
He had to find a way to stop all of this. It couldn't go on anymore. Not if he ever wanted a normal life for him and his future family...
He stumbled and fell when he realized what he had just thought. Family? FAMILY?!
He looked back to the small mob pursuing him, or more specifically to one angry uncute member of that mob. He'd been trying hard not to think about it for so long, but it had just popped into his head! He wanted a... he was having trouble wrapping his mind around it... a family.
Whoah, too much to grasp at once.
Okay, start small. He... loved Akane.
Got it. Let's work up from there.
People in love spend their lives together.
Okay. Little unsettling, but not too bad anymore.
They get married.
Tremble of fear there.
Married couples have... children...
Stark terror.
Akane wanted children. He remembered that distinctly. Not right away, but she wanted a big fam... family. She wanted to get married and bear his children...
...and he... he wanted that too...
Oh man was he in over his head!
By the way, while he was lost trying to sort this out, the mob had closed in on him. Kuno leapt into the air, bokken upraised for the killing stroke.
"Ranma!" Akane cried, realizing that Ranma was about to die because for some reason he wasn't paying attention.
Fortunately, Ranma would be saved as a new arrival leapt into the fray, knocking Kuno down with a flying kick.
"I'm afraid I can't let you hurt the boy," the pretty, mysterious teenage girl said as she landed with remarkable grace and took up a combat stance. The mysterious fighter had long blue hair and wore cutoffs and a white tee- shirt (which was tight in all the right places) with the phrase Bad Girl in kanji on the front. Nobody recognized her.
Kuno fell to the ground with a resounding thump, but quickly recovered and got back to his feet. "And who are you?" he demanded. "Why do you defend this vile despoiler?"
Ranma finally remembered where he was. He looked at the girl that had just come to his aid. Somehow, somewhere, he knew, he KNEW that he had seen her before...
"That is no concern of yours," the girl said. Then she went on the attack with frightening speed. Kuno did his best to ward her off, but his bokken suddenly exploded into a cloud of splinters with a flurry of light strikes of the girl's finger.
"The breaking point?" Ryoga uttered, stunned. "No, it isn't... but I've seen this before..."
Kuno didn't have time to be stunned, however, as the girl followed up with hundreds of punches in a matter of a second. He fell to the ground once again, unconscious.
"I'd almost forgotten how much fun this was," the girl said as she turned to face Ryoga and Ukyo. "I'm afraid I can't let you have him either," she said. "I've got my own business with the boy."
"Trying to steal Ranma, are you?" Ukyo asked, reaching for her spatula. "You won't get away with it!"
Ryoga stepped forward to block Ukyo's way. "Wait, Ukyo," he said.
"What do you think you're doing?" Ukyo demanded.
"You can't fight in your condition," Ryoga said. "She's an amazon, a powerful one." That conclusion was inescapable. The chestnut fist, that technique he'd seen Cologne once use to split logs into toothpicks... "Let me take care of her."
Ukyo hated the implication, but Ryoga was right. "Don't screw this up, pig boy," she said as she disconnected his leash.
"What did you do this time, Ranma?" Ryoga demanded before stepping forward to face his opponent.
"Don't ask me what's going on," Ranma protested. "I don't know what she wants!"
"Are you sure Ranma?" Akane asked with an edge in her voice. "You didn't go and get engaged again, did you?"
The girl laughed. "Are we going to fight or not?" she asked. "I'm in a hurry."
Ryoga laughed as well, though his has a much more grim tone. "You shouldn't be so anxious to fight me right now," he said. "It's been a lousy couple of months."
"Oh?" the girl asked inquisitively.
Ryoga crossed his arms and concentrated on his depression.
"Shishi hokodan!"
Ryoga's blast missed the girl entirely, blasting a tree to splinters.
"Is that it?" the girl asked. "Seems like you're holding back."
"That was just a warning shot," Ryoga said. It wasn't like he actually wanted to fight a girl. If he could get her to back down without actually fighting... "I'm sure you know how powerful that technique could be..."
The girl didn't give him a chance to finish that statement, she charged forward. In an eyeblink she had slipped behind him and tapped a pressure point on the back of his neck, sending him into slumber.
"I do hate it when they just talk rather than fight," the girl said.
"Did I say you could go to sleep?" Ukyo yelled at Ryoga. "Wake up and beat her up you jackass!"
"Save your breath, dear," the girl said. "He'll be out for a while. Besides, he doesn't really want to fight me at all." She turned her attention to Ranma. "So, son-in-law, shall we get to the business at hand?"
Ranma was overcome with stunned shock. Son-in-law?! This girl just called him son-in-law? All the sudden it came to him, he knew where he had met this girl before! Happosai's magic mirror, time traveling to the distant past, and meeting... "Old ghoul?!"
The girl laughed. "Don't look so surprised son-in-law," she said. "It's simply amazing what you can do with the right mushroom nowadays. It feels so good to be sixteen again."
"You mean, this..." Ukyo said, trying to get a grasp on the situation, "...this is Shampoo's great grandmother?"
Akane seemed to be the only one who understood. "So you got ahold of some of those magic mushrooms?"
"That's right, dear," Cologne acknowledged. "I was thinking of selling them. You have no idea how much some people will pay to have their youth back."
Ranma shuddered as he recalled his own experiences with the mushrooms in question. Being a toddler all over again was not something he wanted to remember. "So what do you want..." he stalled for a moment trying to think of something to call her. Old ghoul didn't quite apply anymore. After a moment he just gave up. "Ma'am."
"I was just wondering when you would want the wedding to take place," Cologne said.
Ranma felt a chill. "Wed...wedding?"
"That's right," Cologne said. "You didn't think I wouldn't find out, did you?"
"What is she talking about, Ranma?" Akane demanded.
"I don't know," Ranma protested. "You'd better start making sense!" he demanded of Cologne.
"Shampoo is pregnant, son-in-law," Cologne said with a smile. "You aren't going to leave her an unwed mother, are you?"
Ranma and both his fiancees were paralyzed with shock.
Colonge decided to up the ante. "It seems she conceived at about the time she went to go looking for you," she said.
Ranma knew exactly how that sounded. "Whoa, wait, I had nothing to..."
"YOU JERK!" Akane screamed, slapping him with all her strength. Ranma was flung face first into the ground.
"Hey," he protested as he rolled over to face her, "I'm telling you I had nothing..." he stopped when he saw her face. Tears were streaming down Akane's cheeks. She had a look of absolute anguish, as though the world was ending.
"Is that why you wouldn't tell me what happened?" she asked softly.
"Nothing happened," Ranma said weakly.
"YOU LIAR!" Akane screamed. "I HATE YOU!"
Then she started running, and Ranma knew there was nothing he could say to bring her back.
"OLD GHOUL!" he raged, turning on the once ancient Amazon Matriarch, grabbing her roughly by the shirt. "You know I had nothing to do with Shampoo being pregnant, don't you!"
"Of course I do," Cologne said. "Shampoo told me the whole sad story."
"THEN TELL IT TO AKANE!"
"I'm afraid I can't do that, Ranma," Cologne replied. Ranma didn't catch her subtle change of adress.
Ranma looked to Ukyo. "Ucchan," he said. "You can tell Akane what she just said."
"She's not going to do that, Ranma," Cologne said. "This could be her big chance." She looked to Ukyo. "I'm going to make him forget this whole thing ever happened, and Akane. If you want an even chance, keep what was said here to yourself. All right, Ukyo?"
Ukyo looked positively stricken. If she just went along with it, Cologne would... she would give her the best chance she could ever have... But... could she forgive herself?
"I... I'm sorry Ranma," she said softly, "but I... I can't. I can't help you."
"Why are you doing this!" Ranma demanded.
"Because there are some fates too terrible to comprehend," Cologne said, "and I'm running out of time."
Ranma didn't understand, he couldn't understand. And he would get no explanation either, as Cologne's suddenly wandering hands left him frozen in stark terror and shock.
"Wo da ailen," she said with a predatory grin.
*****
TO BE CONTINUED!
*****
Author's notes:
1) A now sixteen year old Cologne in cutoffs and a bad girl tee shirt. I think that speaks for itself, don't you?
2) Special bonus points if you can guess where that ink recipe Gosunkugi was using came from.
3) Why does Gosunkugi hate Sasuke? Well there's a whole speech about dual continuity, many universes, the Copenhagen interpretation, and reality paradoxes I could go into, but instead I'll just say he doesn't like his eyes ;)
Pointless tales of pairing off
Disclaimer:
All non original concepts are not mine to do with as I please. they belongs to their respective owners. Please don't sue me!
This one might get a little weird in spots. I really shouldn't try typing at three or four a.m.!
--------------------
CASE 9: Various, OR Wars of the Heart
Part Three: The Others
--------------------
And the evening and the morning were the second day.
(or something like that)
Furinkan high school was once again abuzz with gossip as Ukyo entered the grounds.
Ranma had returned to Furinkan yesterday, and, suffice it to say things were eventful. As she heard the gossip about monsters, flying mitsubishis, and poisonous spiders, Ukyo almost regretted missing it, having had a doctor's appointment.
She felt resistance on the chain she held in her hand, and she tugged on it in frustration. "Move it, pig slave," she said. "You're not making me late for class."
"Yes Ukyo," Ryoga said, feeling uncomfortable and shamed with the heavy metal collar Ukyo had fastened to his neck, not to mention the leash he was now on. "Are you sure this is necessary?"
"Stop asking stupid questions," Ukyo said sharply. She'd come up with the leash after Ryoga had managed to disappear for a full day. The pig boy wasn't going to get away that easily. If it shamed and humiliated him to be on a leash in public like a dog, all the better. It was only what he deserved for what he did to her...
Besides, it wasn't like she could leave him home. Konatsu, her crossdressing ninja waiter, didn't exactly get along with Ryoga all that well since the engagement. If Ukyo left the pig boy home, she might come home one day and find him dead in the trash. She couldn't have that, oh no...
She wasn't done making him suffer.
"What are those things?" Ryoga said, pointing at one of the trees.
Ukyo looked and saw what Ryoga meant. There was a small straw doll complete with a little pigtail nailed to the tree.
Actually, to every tree.
"I guess Gosunkugi knows what's going on," Ukyo said. "I wonder what he's going to do about it."
The first bell rang. "Well, let's go, pig boy," Ukyo said, tugging Ryoga along.
Odd, she didn't see either Ranma or Akane anywhere. That was probably a good thing. She didn't know if she could face them just yet.
*****
Ranma and Akane showed up about a minute late to class and looking... well... quite the fright.
Ms. Hinako was unsympathetic. "Stand in the hall."
Ukyo studied their disheveled appearance. Their messed up hair, the way Ranma's shirt wasn't quite buttoned properly, that sort of transcended look he had in his eyes... It seemed that they had overslept...
The implication hit her right in the heart like a sharp blade.
"I guess they've worked out their differences," Ryoga, who was sitting on the floor next to her seat, said softly. "That's... that's wonderful..."
And to illustrate how wonderful he found it, Ryoga started weeping.
"What's so wonderful about it!" Ukyo snapped.
"You can join Mr. Saotome and Ms. Tendo in the hall, Ms. Kuonji," Ms Hinako said.
*****
It was, to be sure, a quiet bit of punishment. The four of them stood there, Ryoga holding Ukyo's water buckets (that's what pig-slaves do), a stony silence reigning among them.
Ukyo finally decided to break that silence. "You two had a long night I see," she said bitterly.
Both Ranma and Akane blushed furiously, which confirmed Ukyo's preconceived assumptions.
"It's not like that!" Akane blurted out.
"Like what?" Ukyo asked innocently.
"Nothing," Akane replied sheepishly.
Ukyo sighed. "Listen Ranma," she said. "I... it hurts, but I don't hold what you and Akane did against you. We all have our little indiscretions, and I'm sure you regret what happened as much as I regret letting Ryoga take advantage of me..."
"Regret what happened!" Akane snapped angrily.
"Taking advantage of you!" Ryoga barked an instant later (pig slave though he was now, he still had his pride. Ukyo was the one who got him drunk after all).
"We can still work things out," Ukyo continued. "We can just put it all behind us."
Ranma, by the way, was feeling exceedingly nervous. NOTHING good would come from this, no sir.
"Just what do you mean?" he asked.
"Ranma!" Akane cried, taking his statement to mean he was considering Ukyo's words.
Ukyo looked at Ranma with a look of absolute, agonizing love. She was going for broke here.
"I want you to marry me and help me raise my child," she said, her eyes dewy and sparkling. "He could be our child."
Ranma gulped.
Akane fumed.
Ryoga said nothing. He just sighed a little sigh.
"Well, umm, I'm sorry Ukyo," Ranma stumbled. "I... that is... I'm not ready to be gettin married right now."
"Not right now?" Ukyo said, seizing on his wishy washy attempt not to hurt her feelings. "But in time...? Are you saying you want to marry me one day?"
Akane positively glowed with anger. "I'd like to know what you meant by that too," she said sternly.
Ranma glanced at Akane, then at Ukyo, then back to Akane, then back to Ukyo. Then he just threw his head back in exasperation.
"Ranma-honey?" Ukyo said sweetly.
"Well Ranma?" Akane demanded.
Fortunately, he would be spared having to give an answer just yet.
"RANMA SAOTOME, PREPARE TO DIE!"
Kuno came charging down the hall with bokken upraised.
"Lowely wretch!" he cried. "For what you have done to Akane and the pig tailed girl there can be no forgiveness!"
"Oh man," Ranma said. "I'm not sticking around for this!" He started running, first tossing his water bucket at Kuno in order to slow him down a little.
"Get back here Ranma!" Akane yelled as she followed. "You're not worming your way out of this one!"
"Ranma-honey," Ukyo pled as she too went on the chase, "if I don't have a husband, my entire family name will be shamed! You can't leave me with Ryoga!"
"Ow, ow, leggo!" Ryoga pled as he was dragged along by his leash.
"Incubus!" Kuno spat as he followed the rest. "You will not escape the wrath of the Blue Thunder!"
The classroom window slid open and Hiroshi and Daisuke leaned out to watch the quickly receding mob.
"The more things change," Hiroshi said.
"The more they stay the same," Daisuke finished.
*****
"That fool Saotome, he won't escape me."
Hikaru Gosunkugi had found a quiet corner of the school grounds to conduct his work. The ink he was mixing reeked noxiously, and he didn't dare let anyone, especially Saotome, know what he was planning until it was too late.
"I've just been toying with you before, Saotome. Now I start to get serious."
He took a brush and started sketching on a sheet of paper.
Like everyone else, he'd heard about Ranma and Akane's love affair early on. Unlike most everyone else, he went catatonic for a couple of days afterwards.
But he was better now. And weeks of research had finally given him the tool he needed to eliminate Saotome once and for all.
The ink he had mixed was an ancient recipe first devised during Japan's Sengoku era, the recipe called for old fashioned charcoal ink mixed with blood and liver of humans, as well as a sacred jewel dissolved in the concoction.
Of course, he had to improvise a little. Pig's blood and liver from the local butcher replaced the human element, but it would work just as well, right? The sacred jewel was fairly genuine, or at least that was what the old shrine priest that had sold it to him had claimed.
"Soon Saotome will cower at the power of my new magic," he said giddily as he kept sketching.
"Is that so?" another voice asked, making Gosunkugi jump. He turned to see Nabiki Tendo standing over him. "So, what you got there?"
Gosunkugi frantically tried to cover his work, "it's nothing, nothing at all!" he claimed.
"Interesting little doodle," Nabiki said.
On the paper, said doodle started to move.
"Well, look at that," Nabiki said, obviously impressed.
Gosunkugi looked back to the paper, and he felt an insane smile spread across his face. "It's working!" he cried. "Ahahahahaha! Saotome, now you will feel my vengeance!"
The doodle in the meanwhile had pulled itself off of the paper. The Hell Demon was free to bring terror to the hated Saotome!
"Fear me!" it demanded in a tiny little voice as it shambled towards Nabiki's shoe.
Gosunkugi felt his hopes collapse. His demon of hell had manifested, but...
"Blood, liver, truffles," it growled as it started gnawing ineffectually on Nabiki's shoe.
It was so small!
Slightly annoyed (it was scuffing her shoe), Nabiki lifted her foot and brought it down on the hell demon. The hellspawned creature expired in a small splash of ink.
"I sure hope you didn't need him," Nabiki said in a rough approximation of an appologetic voice.
Gosunkugi reached into his pocket and took out the keychain his sacred jewel had been attached to. It read "sunset shrine".
"Curse you you old fraud!" he raged impotently. He tossed the keychain to the ground and took out his hammer and nail. "Selling me a worthless jewel!"
He began driving the nail into the keychain (which actually didn't work all that well). After a few moments of impotently trying to drive metal into metal, he gave up and threw his tools to the ground.
"What am I going to do?" he wailed. "How can I defeat Saotome?"
"Why don't you forget about that?" Nabiki asked. "Listen, I've been looking for someone to come work for me, and I think you'd be perfect for the job."
Gosunkugi was certainly surprised. "You want me to work for you, Ms Tendo?" he asked. It was like a light at the end of the long dark tunnel! Working for Nabiki Tendo would let him be close to Akane!
"That's right," Nabiki said. "You'll do certain odd jobs for me. It'll pay pretty well."
Gosunkugi was still caught up in the euphoria of possibly being close to Akane on a regular basis, but... "What do you mean, odd jobs?"
Nabiki didn't respond at once, and Sasuke's arrival forestalled any further explanations.
"Mistress Nabiki," he said. "There you are. Master Kuno was worried that you seemed to be absent. If I may ask, is anything the matter?"
Gosunkugi just stood there, as though turned to stone, just staring at the little ninja.
"Everything is fine, Sasuke," Nabiki said. "Why don't you run along now?"
"Certainly there is something I can help you with..."
"No," Nabiki said shortly, as though her patience was wearing thin. "I'll be along soon."
"Very well, Mistress Nabiki," Sasuke said. He departed in a flash, though Nabiki suspected he would remain close by to keep an eye on her.
Gosunkugi finally found a voice. All thoughts about defeating Ranma or being close to Akane were gone. Now all his thoughts were on that little ninja. It was unreal, unnatural, unexplainable, senseless, but it was true! It was like it was kismet, fate, destiny that they should meet and he should feel what he was feeling now...
It was... hate at first sight.
Deep, dark, fiery passionate hatred.
"I don't like him," he said. He couldn't explain it, but this... Sasuke was now his enemy. He knew that, to borrow the old cliche, this world wasn't big enough for the two of them.
"He'll be your first assignment," Nabiki said. "Deal with him however you would like. Just keep him out of the way for a while."
Gosunkugi nodded. "I'll do it."
*****
"Come back here Ranma!"
"Ranma-honey, wait!"
"Leggo, come on, leggo!"
"Saotome, stand and fight you coward!"
Needless to say, the chase was still ongoing, having moved from the halls of the school to the fields outside. Ranma had never thought he'd want to actually thank Kuno for something, but getting him out of that little situation back there...
Then again he'd kind of whimsically hoped that, seeing as how he and Akane were... umm... well... closer than before, the others would back down and leave them alone.
Boy was that wishful thinking! In some cases it had only seemed to make things worse. Kodachi... damn her! ...had tried to murder Akane, and Ranma was pretty sure that her brother was looking to do the same thing to him right now.
He had to find a way to stop all of this. It couldn't go on anymore. Not if he ever wanted a normal life for him and his future family...
He stumbled and fell when he realized what he had just thought. Family? FAMILY?!
He looked back to the small mob pursuing him, or more specifically to one angry uncute member of that mob. He'd been trying hard not to think about it for so long, but it had just popped into his head! He wanted a... he was having trouble wrapping his mind around it... a family.
Whoah, too much to grasp at once.
Okay, start small. He... loved Akane.
Got it. Let's work up from there.
People in love spend their lives together.
Okay. Little unsettling, but not too bad anymore.
They get married.
Tremble of fear there.
Married couples have... children...
Stark terror.
Akane wanted children. He remembered that distinctly. Not right away, but she wanted a big fam... family. She wanted to get married and bear his children...
...and he... he wanted that too...
Oh man was he in over his head!
By the way, while he was lost trying to sort this out, the mob had closed in on him. Kuno leapt into the air, bokken upraised for the killing stroke.
"Ranma!" Akane cried, realizing that Ranma was about to die because for some reason he wasn't paying attention.
Fortunately, Ranma would be saved as a new arrival leapt into the fray, knocking Kuno down with a flying kick.
"I'm afraid I can't let you hurt the boy," the pretty, mysterious teenage girl said as she landed with remarkable grace and took up a combat stance. The mysterious fighter had long blue hair and wore cutoffs and a white tee- shirt (which was tight in all the right places) with the phrase Bad Girl in kanji on the front. Nobody recognized her.
Kuno fell to the ground with a resounding thump, but quickly recovered and got back to his feet. "And who are you?" he demanded. "Why do you defend this vile despoiler?"
Ranma finally remembered where he was. He looked at the girl that had just come to his aid. Somehow, somewhere, he knew, he KNEW that he had seen her before...
"That is no concern of yours," the girl said. Then she went on the attack with frightening speed. Kuno did his best to ward her off, but his bokken suddenly exploded into a cloud of splinters with a flurry of light strikes of the girl's finger.
"The breaking point?" Ryoga uttered, stunned. "No, it isn't... but I've seen this before..."
Kuno didn't have time to be stunned, however, as the girl followed up with hundreds of punches in a matter of a second. He fell to the ground once again, unconscious.
"I'd almost forgotten how much fun this was," the girl said as she turned to face Ryoga and Ukyo. "I'm afraid I can't let you have him either," she said. "I've got my own business with the boy."
"Trying to steal Ranma, are you?" Ukyo asked, reaching for her spatula. "You won't get away with it!"
Ryoga stepped forward to block Ukyo's way. "Wait, Ukyo," he said.
"What do you think you're doing?" Ukyo demanded.
"You can't fight in your condition," Ryoga said. "She's an amazon, a powerful one." That conclusion was inescapable. The chestnut fist, that technique he'd seen Cologne once use to split logs into toothpicks... "Let me take care of her."
Ukyo hated the implication, but Ryoga was right. "Don't screw this up, pig boy," she said as she disconnected his leash.
"What did you do this time, Ranma?" Ryoga demanded before stepping forward to face his opponent.
"Don't ask me what's going on," Ranma protested. "I don't know what she wants!"
"Are you sure Ranma?" Akane asked with an edge in her voice. "You didn't go and get engaged again, did you?"
The girl laughed. "Are we going to fight or not?" she asked. "I'm in a hurry."
Ryoga laughed as well, though his has a much more grim tone. "You shouldn't be so anxious to fight me right now," he said. "It's been a lousy couple of months."
"Oh?" the girl asked inquisitively.
Ryoga crossed his arms and concentrated on his depression.
"Shishi hokodan!"
Ryoga's blast missed the girl entirely, blasting a tree to splinters.
"Is that it?" the girl asked. "Seems like you're holding back."
"That was just a warning shot," Ryoga said. It wasn't like he actually wanted to fight a girl. If he could get her to back down without actually fighting... "I'm sure you know how powerful that technique could be..."
The girl didn't give him a chance to finish that statement, she charged forward. In an eyeblink she had slipped behind him and tapped a pressure point on the back of his neck, sending him into slumber.
"I do hate it when they just talk rather than fight," the girl said.
"Did I say you could go to sleep?" Ukyo yelled at Ryoga. "Wake up and beat her up you jackass!"
"Save your breath, dear," the girl said. "He'll be out for a while. Besides, he doesn't really want to fight me at all." She turned her attention to Ranma. "So, son-in-law, shall we get to the business at hand?"
Ranma was overcome with stunned shock. Son-in-law?! This girl just called him son-in-law? All the sudden it came to him, he knew where he had met this girl before! Happosai's magic mirror, time traveling to the distant past, and meeting... "Old ghoul?!"
The girl laughed. "Don't look so surprised son-in-law," she said. "It's simply amazing what you can do with the right mushroom nowadays. It feels so good to be sixteen again."
"You mean, this..." Ukyo said, trying to get a grasp on the situation, "...this is Shampoo's great grandmother?"
Akane seemed to be the only one who understood. "So you got ahold of some of those magic mushrooms?"
"That's right, dear," Cologne acknowledged. "I was thinking of selling them. You have no idea how much some people will pay to have their youth back."
Ranma shuddered as he recalled his own experiences with the mushrooms in question. Being a toddler all over again was not something he wanted to remember. "So what do you want..." he stalled for a moment trying to think of something to call her. Old ghoul didn't quite apply anymore. After a moment he just gave up. "Ma'am."
"I was just wondering when you would want the wedding to take place," Cologne said.
Ranma felt a chill. "Wed...wedding?"
"That's right," Cologne said. "You didn't think I wouldn't find out, did you?"
"What is she talking about, Ranma?" Akane demanded.
"I don't know," Ranma protested. "You'd better start making sense!" he demanded of Cologne.
"Shampoo is pregnant, son-in-law," Cologne said with a smile. "You aren't going to leave her an unwed mother, are you?"
Ranma and both his fiancees were paralyzed with shock.
Colonge decided to up the ante. "It seems she conceived at about the time she went to go looking for you," she said.
Ranma knew exactly how that sounded. "Whoa, wait, I had nothing to..."
"YOU JERK!" Akane screamed, slapping him with all her strength. Ranma was flung face first into the ground.
"Hey," he protested as he rolled over to face her, "I'm telling you I had nothing..." he stopped when he saw her face. Tears were streaming down Akane's cheeks. She had a look of absolute anguish, as though the world was ending.
"Is that why you wouldn't tell me what happened?" she asked softly.
"Nothing happened," Ranma said weakly.
"YOU LIAR!" Akane screamed. "I HATE YOU!"
Then she started running, and Ranma knew there was nothing he could say to bring her back.
"OLD GHOUL!" he raged, turning on the once ancient Amazon Matriarch, grabbing her roughly by the shirt. "You know I had nothing to do with Shampoo being pregnant, don't you!"
"Of course I do," Cologne said. "Shampoo told me the whole sad story."
"THEN TELL IT TO AKANE!"
"I'm afraid I can't do that, Ranma," Cologne replied. Ranma didn't catch her subtle change of adress.
Ranma looked to Ukyo. "Ucchan," he said. "You can tell Akane what she just said."
"She's not going to do that, Ranma," Cologne said. "This could be her big chance." She looked to Ukyo. "I'm going to make him forget this whole thing ever happened, and Akane. If you want an even chance, keep what was said here to yourself. All right, Ukyo?"
Ukyo looked positively stricken. If she just went along with it, Cologne would... she would give her the best chance she could ever have... But... could she forgive herself?
"I... I'm sorry Ranma," she said softly, "but I... I can't. I can't help you."
"Why are you doing this!" Ranma demanded.
"Because there are some fates too terrible to comprehend," Cologne said, "and I'm running out of time."
Ranma didn't understand, he couldn't understand. And he would get no explanation either, as Cologne's suddenly wandering hands left him frozen in stark terror and shock.
"Wo da ailen," she said with a predatory grin.
*****
TO BE CONTINUED!
*****
Author's notes:
1) A now sixteen year old Cologne in cutoffs and a bad girl tee shirt. I think that speaks for itself, don't you?
2) Special bonus points if you can guess where that ink recipe Gosunkugi was using came from.
3) Why does Gosunkugi hate Sasuke? Well there's a whole speech about dual continuity, many universes, the Copenhagen interpretation, and reality paradoxes I could go into, but instead I'll just say he doesn't like his eyes ;)