The Sacred Night, Chapter 22
I sat still with Kaoru lying on my lap. I knew I would have to feed when Megumi came back, and that that moment was drawing nearer all the time. If I was lucky, I thought, maybe she would come home after I was already asleep. It was getting close to daylight. I wanted to open the window and see how close it was, and possibly even fall asleep more quickly if the sun was already starting to come out, but I didn't want to disturb Kaoru by getting up. I wished she would wake up so I could do that, or leave, or something other than face Megumi, or even so I could talk to her, but I also knew she needed the rest and I wasn't going to take it from her.
I heard footsteps outside, and then a door opening downstairs. I heard footsteps come up the stairs, began to feel the doctor's ki, and eventually heard the door to our apartment open. She put a few things away and came into the bedroom. I watched her take Kaoru's pulse and a few other vital signs, but then she looked at me, and there was no avoiding it any longer.
I didn't need prompting, and I followed her to the living room, where Tsubame sat. Megumi whispered something to her and she left politely, not even seeming upset. It was amazing how women could understand each other without saying much. It was like they read each others' minds, even the humans. She sat down, assuming the position I had chosen before was still my preference, and I followed suit. I leaned toward her exposed neck again, hungrier this time since I had gone longer without feeding.
"I'm sorry, Megumi-dono," I apologized for my complete inability to comply with the doctor's orders.
"Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable with this? A certain position, or something of that nature?" She asked, always the professional.
"Well, my wife and I always lie down on our bed, but we can't do that, Megumi-dono,"
"We could lie down right here," she offered.
"Megumi-dono, I really don't think that would be appropriate, that I don't,"
"Why not? It's not as if we're going to make love, for the sake of all kami. You need to feed in order to live. I can help you, and your wife can't right now. There's nothing wrong with that," she explained calmly. "She even told you to do this, didn't she?"
"Yes, she did," I surrendered.
We lay down. It was the only way I could handle it, and for some reason it did help, but I felt the most familiar sensation in the world wash over me the entire time: guilt. I made sure not to touch her in any way that wasn't necessary, and I came away feeling full, but like I had stolen everything I had consumed. It was almost as if I had killed her to take the life energy that she deserved to have and I didn't. She hadn't minded in the least, however, and while I was sure Kaoru was more bothered by it than she told me, I knew I hated myself more than either of them hated me. I went immediately to my spot under the window, falling asleep only because the sun forced me to do so. If I had been human, it would have been a sleepless twenty four hours.
Fortunately, in the wake of our procuring the cure for the humans' illness, things began to return to normal, as humans got better at different rates and one by one, vampires got their normal amounts of nourishment from donors brought in from other areas. The reckless killing stopped, and as yet no vampires had died of starvation, because even if they didn't want to harm humans, many couldn't control themselves. We weren't a species known for our restraint.
Tsubame eventually went home, but expressed a desire to keep contact with us, to which we agreed. Misao still came to my house and yelled about hating Aoshi every time he had to leave for any reason, because he refused to leave her alone. As much as she hated him when he brought her, she always seemed to adore him again when he came to take her home. I surmised that she was irritated and bored out of her mind because she had to stay home all the time when se wasn't with me. I didn't really go out much, either, because I wanted to be there whenever Kaoru happened to awake. Sano came and visited her sometimes, too, but after he woke her up so many times with his booming voice, he had to be told when she was awake so he could come then.
Almost any time I wasn't feeding or doing laundry, I was with Kaoru. Even when she was asleep, I stayed with her, and more often than not, became her pillow in some way or another. I would open the window and we would look out on the new, modern Tokyo we loved almost as much as the old one. She loved the stars and the fireflies, and told me how she loved the sun, though I never saw her in it. She couldn't leave the room, or the bed, for that matter, yet, so the window provided the only scenery she really saw other than her visitors.
She was curled up with her head on my lap at about four AM one night, telling me about the fireflies near a particular lake near where she'd lived before I met her and we had lived together until the wooden walls and tatami floors had gotten beyond repair, or at least beyond more modern builders' abilities to repair, and we'd had to move on with the times. There were flowers and trees, she told me, and in the summer, fireflies lit it up and made everything green.
"I wish I had shown you then, Kenshin. It was beautiful, but it's probably not there anymore,"
"It sounds beautiful, Kaoru-dono," I answered, but at that moment, the person I least wanted to see in the world came in. It didn't matter that she was a wonderful, nice, intelligent woman or that my stomach looked forward to her presence even if my mind didn't. I didn't want to leave Kaoru and I didn't want to feed on another person, but I was fairly used to it, so I went without complaint or hesitation. I told myself for the fiftieth time that I needed to do this to ensure Kaoru's safety, which was true, but it sounded a lot less convincing coming from my own mind. I went with Megumi to the living room and fed as usual, but this time when I finished, she let her eyes stay closed and didn't get up right away.
"Megumi-dono, are you all right?" I asked, hoping I hadn't taken too much and made her pass out.
"Mmmm?" She purred sleepily, turning to look at me.
"I thought you fainted," I explained.
"Mm, no, just… lingering,"
"Lingering?"
"You picked the perfect image tonight,"
"Did I? Kaoru-dono was just telling me about a place that looked like that when she was a teenager,"
"Please don't talk about her,"
"Why not, Megumi-dono? Is something wrong?"
"This is practically the only time she's not around. Do you have to bring her into everything?"
"I don't understand, Megumi-dono,"
She closed her eyes and sighed. "Never mind. You're a vampire. Figure it out," she sat up and waited impatiently for me to figure it out. All right, I would do as she asked. I moved straight through the boundaries of her mind, which were completely unguarded, as I had expected them to be.
Ken-san… you're so beautiful.
I'm very flattered, Megumi-dono, but…
I mean you're a beautiful, person, Ken-san…so dedicated to her and so genuinely sorry for everything.
Everything?
Yes, I know who you are, Ken-san. I've known since the night you told Tsubame, and that's why I wanted you to feed on me.
You wanted me to… because… I… that's disgusting!
No, Ken-san. I don't admire you for what you did then. I admire you for how you've changed. I know I can't have you like she can, but I can understand you better.
Megumi-dono, I have known my wife one hundred twenty-six years-
I know that. You know each other very well, but she could never understand, could she? Not really.
I can't blame her for that, Megumi-dono. I would not wish such experiences on her.
But it would be nice to know someone else understood, wouldn't it?
That would never happen. I hope no one else has done all those things… I know no one else has been as bad.
That's not true, Ken-san. You feel as if you're the lowest, most vile sinner ever born. You don't think you deserve to live. You don't think you can ever become clean again. You see yourself and every wrongdoing you've ever committed when you close your eyes. You don't think you have the right to be happy, even in dreams, so you don't dream.
Vampires don't dream.
You don't. Others do.
Aoshi doesn't. Tsubame-dono doesn't. Sano doesn't.
Misao does.
Misao?
You don't dream because you refuse to dream, Ken-san. Everything else I said was true, too, wasn't it?
Well, I… yes. It was. How did you know?
I have secrets, too.
At that moment, I felt the tiny guards she kept going back up. I could have stayed and extorted more information from her, but I didn't want to pry if she didn't want to tell me. My mind felt very… full. Even though she had denied physical attraction was the cause of her behavior, I could tell it was there. Now I understood why she hadn't wanted me to talk about Kaoru. I didn't think I should continue feeding on hr if she felt that way about it, but who else was there? I supposed a donor could be brought, but would Megumi be offended if I didn't want to feed on her anymore? It wasn't fair to allow it to continue, because then how would she feel when Kaoru got better and I went back to feeding on her? I had to stop this before she got too attached, and she would get attached, no matter how professional she tried to be.
I knew I should be a friend to her, since she obviously had a painful past as well and she felt I could empathize, which I probably could. Perhaps she could even sympathize with my feelings, but I told myself that was impossible. Megumi was a wonderful woman. She was a doctor, the gods' sakes. She couldn't have done anything as bad as what I had. No one could.
I went back to Kaoru still confused about exactly what I should do, and felt worse in her presence. She was so beautiful, sleeping like she didn't have a care in the world, probably dreaming. She even had a smile on her face. She was the picture of innocence, just like the lake she said was so beautiful with fireflies in the summer. Did she have secrets, too, just like Megumi? I had revealed everything to her, and she had still accepted me with open arms, saying she wanted me as I was at that moment and the past didn't matter.
I loved her more than I ever had at that moment. Perhaps Megumi had been correct when she said it would be nice to know someone who understood, but I didn't need Kaoru to understand. She understood that it was painful for me, and it was probably painful to her, too. That was enough. It was even nice to know that she didn't understand. I didn't have to see the knowledge of it reflected in her eyes to remind me. I didn't have to face her scorn at the full horror of my nature, because she would never see it, no matter how much I told her.
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remember, people, no chapter Saturday, so don't beat me up for not posting!
PraiseDivineMercy: I suppose it could be called a love triangle, but since Kenshin is not actually attracted to Megumi, I'm not sure it qualifies. I wasn't planning on detailing how they met, but I did mention it briefly in the chapter where enishi has been defeated and they are waiting for a boat to leave the island. Basically, they met the same way as in the manga.
Kenshin's My Man: oh PLEASE. If you know Kenshin like I do, you know there is no way he will not beat himself up if he has the opportunity. I have already discussed Kaoru's feelings, though not at length. It makes her sad, but she knows it's important and urges him to go ahead. Cute nameJ.
Yuhi-thedoerofevildeeds: did you not like it? What was the matter?
Invader Zim: I love your long reviews full of questions! There is no review I like better than a good, long one. The issue of men and laundry is an old standby with humor in Kenshin fics, and I just had to stick it in there at least once. Besides, I find it interesting that by and large, throughout RK the men don't have jobs and the women do. "bruja sangre" is Spanish for "witch blood." I realize a vamp is not a witch, but when vampire lore was at its height, all legions of the devil (lol) ie. Witches, demons, vamps, etc. were lumped together. What it boils down to is that when I was making up the name, I decided "bruja" is a prettier word and more mysterious than "vampiro." Yes, Kenshin has found someone, but he's kicking and screaming…